Dear Maggie
by Jenny0719
Summary: A heart leads Bella back home to Forks... and to the brother of the woman who donated it.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own anything Twilight; I'm just playing with what Stephenie Meyer gave us.**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work.**

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><p>Chapter 1<p>

Bella

_The City of Forks Welcomes You_

I wasn't entirely sure how I felt at the sight of that sign. It was hard to believe I was actually here, actually doing this, and yet I got strangest sense of belonging as soon as I'd arrived. Like everything that had happened to me was for a reason and that I'd been called back to this place. It was a weighty feeling to have, and it almost made wish that I'd never made that call to Charlie… never driven the seven hundred miles to Amarillo.

_Almost._

I swallowed thickly and let my eyes dart around the town, reacquainting myself with sights long forgotten, such as the diner my father had taken me to every Friday as a child, the turn off that led you to La Push, and the ocean just beyond the trees. There were a few new buildings and shops around as well, and I quickly noticed that while everything held a familiarity about it, it was all so... different to me now. Maybe it was because this summer, I actually had a purpose for being here, rather than just wasting it away with my dad as I'd always done before.

I reached up and felt the long, pink puckered scar that divided my chest, my constant reminder of why I was here and how things could change in just the blink of an eye. One day, you're lamenting over things like history reports and gym class, and the next, you're lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by wires and tubes while a doctor broke the news that your heart was dying, that you'd been born with this... _defect_ that had been overlooked for years; one that slowly ate away at you while you wandered through life thinking that every fall and every strange shift in your equilibrium was because of some genetic flaw of clumsiness your mother passed down to you, when it was really one that ran so much deeper and created more problems, more pain—both physical and emotional—than you'd ever thought you could bear.

I glanced over at the file folder sitting beside me and had the sudden urge to snatch it up and cradle it to my chest. It held so much information about the girl whose life had ended so mine could finally begin. She'd given me a second chance, and it was hard to reconcile the immense gratitude and happiness I felt for being alive with the guilt and sadness I felt over her life being cut so short and so suddenly.

Those who knew Maggie Carr loved her dearly, and while I knew I had a few people who would have missed me if I'd actually died, I didn't create joy and light in everyone's lives like she did. She was smart and outgoing, compassionate and good, whereas I'd just always floated through life, unsure of both myself and where I was going. I had no real ambitions other than to survive high school and attend college. But Maggie… she had promise.

I sighed heavily and leaned against the door as I stopped at the lone stoplight in town. It seemed like such a waste to me sometimes, a feeling I had, unfortunately, become intensely familiar with over the last few months.

And I had no idea how to shake it.

I made it through town and to my father's house, pulling into the gravel drive behind his cruiser and cutting the engine immediately. I didn't get out, though. I simply sat and stared at the tiny, white house. It was the first summer I'd spent in Forks in seven years, and I had no idea what to expect.

I was set to attend—albeit a year late—the University of Washington in the fall, much to my mother's dismay and fierce objection. I knew how hurt she was when I announced my move and that it was because of my refusal to explain to her why Arizona State no longer appealed to me; why I no longer wanted to live with her. It was hard, but I kept my reasoning a closely guarded secret, knowing that she'd never understand the compulsion I had to learn about my donor and her family, much less spontaneously applying for UDub and packing my bags for Forks.

Even I didn't understand it. I just knew that this—he—was what I was here for.

Charlie opened the door and started down the sidewalk as soon as he realized I was here. His curly, dark brown hair ruffled in the breeze, and he smoothed his mustache down nervously. He'd been alone for so many years now; I couldn't imagine how much of an adjustment me living here was going to be for him.

Lines that hadn't been noticeable three years ago formed around his dark brown eyes as he smiled, and I opened the door and slid out of the truck to greet him. He stiffly wrapped his arms around me briefly, and then stepped back with a flush.

"You made it," he said simply.

"Yeah. I made it. You didn't think I could," I answered teasingly.

He shrugged. "Feeling all right?"

I gave him a look that told him exactly what I thought about that and nodded.

He chuckled, "Old habits die hard. Where's your suitcase?"

"Over on the other side."

He went to the passenger's side of the truck and pulled out my suitcase, handed me the coveted file, and then shut the door behind him on his way back up to the house.

I dutifully followed him through the front door, up the steps, and into the room I'd spent so much time in as a child. Pictures I'd drawn when I was little were still taped to the pale blue walls, and faded, yellow lace curtains still hung on the windows. It was like I'd been flashed back to a time when things weren't so complicated again.

If only it were so easy.

He sat the suitcase down and glanced around, running his hand over his mustache again. My lips twitched with a smile. It was a tic it seemed he'd picked up recently.

"It's not much…" he started awkwardly.

"It's fine, Dad. I promise," I answered with a smile.

"I got you a new bed so you didn't have to sleep on that lumpy, old mattress. The salesgirl picked out your bedding. If you don't like it, we can take it back. I think I have the receipt somewhere."

"Stop rambling; it's good." I glanced over at the deep purple linens. "I might even take it to Seattle with me."

He was visibly surprised. "Oh. All right. I'll let you… do whatever then. I'll be downstairs."

I waited until I heard the door click behind him, and then collapsed on the bed. If there was one thing I loved the most about Charlie, it was the fact that he didn't hover like Renee did.

For the first time in years, there was nothing but silence greeting me.

I was tired from the days of travel, yet too wound up to even think about resting for a couple hours like I knew I should. There was just too much to process. Before, it'd been a vague idea that had eventually snowballed into a plan. And now, now that I was here and actually doing this… It was almost overwhelming.

I dug out the simple, leather bound journal that I'd bought to help sort through all these conflicting emotions and sifted through the pages and pages of letters I'd written to Maggie as the weeks in recovery had dragged on. I found an empty page and started writing what was likely the first of many letters during my stay in Forks to the girl who'd never have the chance to read them.

_Dear Maggie,_

_He's here. I can feel it. It scares me how connected I feel to him already. I don't even know his name, but I know that I'm supposed to meet him. I just wish I knew why. Telling him about you is the only thing I can think of, but it still seems wrong. Like there's more to it, and I'm just not seeing it. _

_I sound crazy, right? Sometimes, I think maybe I am. Like the psych eval I had to go under to make sure I could handle this was wrong or altered so I could have the surgery regardless of my mental state. I wouldn't put it past Renee to use the last of her savings and pay off some unsuspecting shrink to save me. After all, I am writing another letter to a dead girl. Just like I have been for months... _

_I'm just confused, as usual. I'll probably spend the rest of my life (however long it actually turns out being) confused. I hate being like this all the time. And while I know there'll never be a simple solution to this, I just wish that it were a little easier. I just want… I don't know what I want. To live, I guess. Since I was faced with the alternative, my life is so much more precious to me than it was before. _

_I have you to thank for that. Along with everything else._

I closed the journal and set it on the nightstand, along with my pen. I set the alarm on my phone, and then rolled over and buried my face in my pillow in hopes that I could shut of all these thoughts and fall asleep for a while. Sleep was my only reprieve these days, and I often wondered if maybe I should have refused the surgery, because as much as I loved being alive, a life where your emotions were in a constant state of chaos and your mind couldn't seem to accept this blessing you'd been given was no life at all.

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><p>I dragged myself groggily down the stairs and found Charlie in the kitchen frying eggs for a sandwich. He heard me shuffle over to the sink to get some water from the tap and turned around with a smile.<p>

"Hungry? You missed lunch."

"Not really."

He turned back around to attend to his eggs. "So… you uh, you take a nap or something? I didn't hear you moving around…"

"Yeah. I didn't think I could, but I managed to fall asleep."

He nodded, his head bent down over the pan. "When's your appointment?"

"At four," I answered, taking a deep pull of water from my glass.

"Dr. Cullen's a good doctor. You'll like him."

"Mom thinks I should go ahead and get a specialist in Seattle," I replied.

I could hear his smile in his answer. "And what do you think?"

"I think I'm tired of specialists."

He carefully folded his eggs on one slice of bread and headed over to the table. "Yeah, I figured as much. You know you need a cardiologist, though, Bella."

"I know," I said, sitting in the seat across from him, "but my cardiologist back in Phoenix assured me that Dr. Cullen is capable of monitoring me this summer. Apparently, they've conversed."

He snickered at my description. "So your mother's just worrying like usual."

"Yes."

"You need to call her. She's already called the house twice. I let the machine get it."

I groaned and flopped my head down on the table. "God, why can't she just stop babying me already? I'm a grown woman, for shit's sake."

"Bella." His attempt at scolding was in vain. Laughter tinged his gruff voice, and he cleared his throat trying to cover it up. "You're not that grown. And you've been through a lot. Give her a break."

I groaned again but knew he was right. "I'll call her when I get back later, okay? I kind of need a little bit of time to prepare. She's… insane."

"Insane. Boy, I hope you don't talk about me like that when I'm not around."

I threw him a winning smile and stood up. "Nope. I like to refer to you as robotic."

He rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what was coming next.

"You know, because you're completely void of emotion with the exception of a few small laughs and a smile hidden behind that mustache of yours?" I continued.

"I'm better." _Since he had to see me wasting away in a hospital bed for months while I waited on a donor match._

The unspoken words hung between us for a moment. Determined not to dwell on how awful my past was, I quickly shook it away and squeezed his shoulder on my way back up to my room. "You are. You gave me a hug when I got here."

"Yeah," he said, shoving his sandwich into his mouth so he didn't have to talk any more about it.

"I'm going to unpack before I leave," I called out to him.

Satisfied with the grunt of approval he gave me, I hurried back up the steps, tripping a little on my way up (even with the new heart, I am still my mother's daughter) and started working on organizing my room.

I didn't have much, but then again, I didn't really need anything more than I'd packed until I left for Seattle. Then, I'd need to figure out how to buy winter clothes. Meaning: I needed to find a summer job. With all the expenses from my numerous hospital stays and the surgery, we didn't have money for things like that, even with the different financial aid programs available for patients like me. In fact, I was seriously debating just buying some sort of parka and trying to make it through the winter without anything else. I had jeans; I had a couple long sleeved shirts. I could probably do it…

If I kept the dorm's heater on high.

It wasn't long before I had my drawers partially filled, the desk set up the way I wanted it, with my laptop plugged in and waiting for me, and clothes hung to cover the expanse of only half the tiny closet.

It was kind of pathetic how little a person can acquire when you practically set up residence in a nearby hospital.

I changed out of the clothes I'd traveled in and into a clean pair of jeans and a shirt that matched the dark purple of my new bedding, hoping that Charlie would understand the meaning behind my choice. He didn't have to scrape up the money to buy me a bed. He didn't have to risk his job or use his connections as Fork's police chief and do all the research on Maggie and her family I'd so desperately wanted. But most of all, he didn't have to let me live here with him while I tried to maneuver my way through this… aftermath. "Appreciative" did not do what I felt justice.

I grabbed my gym bag and shoved a random pair of shorts and tank top inside then found my black Nikes and did the same with those. Charlie had told me about a gym near the hospital, and I wanted to check it out before I came back home. After weeks of required physical therapy—and the fact that this whole experience had been eye opening, to say the least—it had become part of my routine, as weird as that still sometimes felt. I still dreaded stepping foot on the treadmill, afraid that I would trip and fall in front of everyone in the gym, but the alternative—not busting my ass in the gym—was unacceptable. I had to take care of myself now and be more aware of my body's reactions to certain things, especially with the possibility of rejection always looming over me.

I went back downstairs and found Charlie in the living room watching a ball game. I cleared my throat to get his attention and grinned when his head snapped up guiltily.

"I'm heading out. I think I'll go check out that gym you were telling me about before I come back home. Want me to run by the store after I'm done and pick up something for dinner?"

"Uh… you don't have to cook, Bells," he replied, letting his eyes drift back to the TV.

I shrugged. "I need to eat too, you know."

He chuckled and took a pull of his beer, not bothering to say anything more.

"Okay," I murmured to myself slowly. "Looks like he's getting whatever I feel like making then."

I giggled on my way out the door. Maybe having to eat a piece of grilled fish, brown rice, and steamed broccoli would make him a little more vocal.

It was worth a shot.

I found the hospital easily and parked as far away from the building as I could, another habit I'd picked up after the surgery. Walking was a huge part of my recovery. I'd taken more flights of steps than I could count and had made it a point to walk as often as I could until I felt up to doing a little more. Parking in the back row and walking to the door was an easy way to get in a little extra those first few weeks out of the hospital without feeling like my chest was going to split open in the process.

I slipped my purse over my shoulder and slammed my hand over the lock inside my truck before I shut the door and started toward the building. I took one step away from my truck, and then suddenly pressed myself up against the grill as a shiny, silver Volvo whizzed right by me, stealing my breath.

I gasped and threw my hand to my chest as adrenaline rushed through my body. My heart reacted slightly; kicking up a little before settling to its normal, steady thrum. It was kind of odd not having the typical reactions that I once did. This heart beat faster when I was resting and slower when I exercised. It didn't have the same nerve connections as my old one did, something my doctor had referred to as a "denervated heart".

I watched the car whip out into traffic in an effort to curb that train of thought. I tried to stay away from all the technical terms. It wasn't necessarily confusing. I understood what they explained to me just fine. It simply made me feel anxious, knowing what could possibly go wrong with me. It was as everyone always said: ignorance is bliss.

"Fucking asshole," I grumbled and adjusted my purse back on my shoulder. "Learn to drive."

I eventually made it into the hospital and found Dr. Cullen's office. I slipped inside the waiting room and signed in. After waiting for a few minutes, I gave them my insurance information, and then found myself following an exhausted looking nurse back to a room.

After she took my vitals, she gave me a paper gown to change into, and then left the room.

I didn't have to wait long—one of the perks I assumed came with being in a small town—before Dr. Cullen was lightly knocking on the door and letting himself inside.

His smile was blinding and warm; his eyes were a beautiful shade of blue. He was hot for an older guy… Really hot, actually. I could feel myself flush as he came toward me, thinking how wrong it was to be checking out this man, and averted my eyes to the white wall. The wall was plain and safe. Dr. Cullen was not.

"Hello, Isabella," he greeted, his voice laced with kindness.

"Bella," I corrected. "It's, um, it's Bella."

"I'm sorry. No one made a note in your chart."

"It's fine. I'd normally not even say anything, but I figure I'll be here a lot, so…"

"We should be well acquainted," he finished for me.

"Something like that."

"Well, in that case, call me Carlisle," he responded, flashing me that blinding smile again. I could see it out of my peripheral.

"Okay, I'll try. Can't promise much, though. Politeness was sort of ingrained into me from birth. You can thank my mother."

He laughed under his breath as he sat on the stool in front of me and opened the massive stack of papers that was my chart. I fidgeted nervously as he flipped through the pages, silently chewing on my lip as I waited for him to say something about abuse or whatever else all these doctors in the past had always assumed.

"You've got quite a history, Bella," he commented lightly.

I watched him drag his hand through his blonde hair to keep it back as he continued to study my chart then immediately dropped my eyes to my hands. "Yeah. I was in an out of the hospital a lot before the surgery."

"So I see. And no one diagnosed you with HCM until you were sixteen?"

I shook my head, feeling a little more comfortable with the good-looking doctor. He felt… I couldn't explain it, really. Familiar, like a lot of things in this town seemed to.

"I come from a clumsy family. We'd always just assumed I had a more… _severe_ form since every time I was up and running around, I fell." Not one doctor had connected the dots, the dots being that my _only_ symptom was one of the few symptoms of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy: lightheadedness and fainting during physical exertion.

He smiled a little with that. "Are you still clumsy?"

I blushed again. "I still trip and forget where the doorways are, yeah."

"Nothing serious, though, right?" He glanced up at me, expectantly awaiting an answer.

"No. No stitches or broken bones since the surgery."

He nodded. "Taking your meds?"

"Every dose."

"Excellent. Any issues, any signs of rejection?"

I knew the symptoms. Shortness of breath, fever, fatigue, fluid retention… They were always in the forefront of my mind. "No. Whatever cocktail I'm on seems to be working."

"Are you sexually active?"

"No," I answered quickly, unable to look at him.

"Good. If that changes, you need to let me know immediately. I'll want to alter your prescriptions, whether you're on birth control or not. Okay?"

I blew out a breath. I already knew all of this. I was well versed in the after care of a heart transplant patient. Those immunosuppressant drugs that kept me alive? Some of them carried huge, potential risks to an unborn baby. And while a baby was not in my near future, if ever, I knew accidents happened, no matter how precautious you thought you were.

"I will," I promised, even though my vow was hollow. I'd never even kissed a boy, much less come close to falling into bed with one. A heart condition tended to wreak havoc on your social life that way.

Carlisle set my chart down on the counter beside him and stood up so that he could examine me. He started with a normal physical then shifted so that his fingers pressed on my lymph nodes. He then moved my gown away just enough so he could see the scar that ran down the length of my chest.

"It looks good," he murmured, slipping the stethoscope in his ears. "Everything looks good. Take a deep breath for me."

I did as instructed, letting it back out slowly.

He pulled his stethoscope away from his ears, and then backed away from me. After a few words about a urine and blood sample before I left, he scribbled a few things down on my chart and then started toward the door so I could get dressed again.

He reached for the handle and turned around. "Charlie says you'll probably want a job while you're here?"

"Um," I shifted on the table, careful to keep the gown closed, "yeah. I'm a typical, broke college student."

A frown flickered over his face, like he knew there was more to it, but was gone so fast I thought I might've imagined it. "My son could actually use some help in his garage."

"A garage?" I asked skeptically. I knew nothing about cars.

He nodded and pulled out his wallet, rifling through it for something. He pulled out a white business card and handed it to me. "Office work. Invoicing, filing, answering phone calls… Things like that."

I glanced down at the card and felt a wave of relief. "Oh, okay. Thanks."

He smiled brightly. "I'll have someone give you a call when we get your labs back, but I don't anticipate anything unusual with them."

I nodded.

"Take care, Bella."

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><p>After the gym, I stopped by the store and grabbed everything I'd need to make dinner at Charlie's. I'd intended to go straight home, but as I passed the garage Dr. Cullen had told me about, I noticed the lights still burning brightly inside. I pulled into the parking lot and let the engine idle as I checked out the building. Tan sheet metal made up the walls and framed the tall, white doors of the bays. A cheery little garden surrounded the white sign just as you walked inside, and even though the garage itself was surprisingly clean by any outsider's standards, its perfection seemed a little out of place.<p>

Which made me realize that I was definitely_ not_ so clean after working out for an hour. I flipped the rearview mirror down and stared at my reflection. My face was still flushed from all the time I'd put in on the elliptical and my hair was plastered against my head from sweat. I quickly yanked my ponytail out and combed through my hair with my fingers, deciding that wearing it down would be better. Down would help camouflage how truly disgusting I was.

Maybe.

No matter how much I knew that I should just start the truck back up and go home, come back in the morning after I'd slept and showered, I couldn't seem to move. I needed to go in there. It was like a cable was reeling me in, pulling me to whatever was inside. It was the same feeling I'd had since I'd first started this whole… journey, if you will.

Of course, I didn't ignore it.

I got out of the truck and walked over to the black lacquered door, shivering as a cool breeze rushed over my hot skin. This odd feeling bubbled up in my chest, but I quickly shoved it down, intent on looking as calm and collected as I could when I went inside. I needed this job.

I slipped through the door and glanced around quickly. Another door that led to the office was on my right, and a cavernous expanse of auto equipment and tools were to my left. The sound of angry, heavy rock music streamed from a stereo in the corner. I let go of the door and started toward the direction of the music, only to jump in place when the door made a popping sound and slammed shut behind me.

"Fucking Christ, Emmett!" a deep, agitated voice called out. "Are you ever going to fix that piece of shit door?"

My eyes followed the sound of the man's voice and found him under the chassis of an older, maroon Malibu. Nothing but a pair of jeans and black work boots stuck out, both marred with grease and oil and… God only knew what else.

I cleared my throat pointedly and watched his body tense under the car. He threw some sort of tool down, creating a clanking sound as it skittered across the cement floor, and pushed himself out from under the car in a smooth, practiced movement.

He stood up and stretched, his lean muscles flexing and exposing his stomach and the dark trail of hair that led… I swallowed hard and focused on his face. He pinned me with a hard stare, causing a blush to creep up into my cheeks. His jaw was strong and tense, and his eyes were as green as the trees and the moss that clung to their trunks outside, burning with such intensity that I lost my breath.

He was, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

He grabbed a faded red rag off the hood of the car and wiped some of the black off of his hands, wordlessly smudging it across his perfect, pale skin before dragging one hand through his messy copper hair roughly.

"We're closed," he said, digging into his pocket for something.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, tipping the pack enough so he could pull one out. He lit it and took a deep drag; smoke curled in the air around him, fading as it rose toward the ceiling. I watched the smoke hypnotically plume from his mouth, unable to think as I saw the way every part of his body relaxed almost instantly. My hand unconsciously came up to rub at my chest, and he lazily followed the movement, letting his tongue roll over his lips once. My chest burned, ached with longing, and then all of the sudden my brain kicked back into gear and I jerked myself as far away from him as I could get.

He looked… pissed, for lack of a better word, but his voice was smooth and calm. Uncaring. "Don't like smokers?"

I didn't know how to answer that question. It'd never bothered me before, but now, I didn't want to breathe it in, knowing that its toxins were going straight into my bloodstream… this heart.

My silence was answer enough for him. "Then leave."

I shook my head and focused on finding my voice again. "I um, I… Are you…? Dr. Cullen said you were hiring," I stuttered, immediately flushing in embarrassment again.

His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized my face for some reason. "You want Emmett. He'll be back tomorrow morning." He blew a stream of smoke my way and raised his brow, almost as if he was daring me to say something to him about it.

I backed up a little further. "Stop it, would you? I can't be around it."

He shot me a patronizing look. "Allergic?"

"No, the heart… I mean, _my_ heart…" I shook my head, deciding not to bother with an explanation. He wouldn't have cared, and even if he had, I didn't want his pity. I'd had enough of that in my life. "Never mind."

He shrugged and turned away to dig in the massive toolbox behind him, leaving me to stand there stupidly. My jaw dropped at his blatant disregard for manners, and anger pounded through me.

"What a fucking prick," I muttered, spinning around to leave.

I was almost to the door when another loud clattering cut through the air behind me, stopping me dead in my tracks. I craned my neck slowly around to see him, catching him as he dragged his gaze over my ass. Heat bloomed inside me so strong that for the second time in the span of only a few minutes, I lost the capability to breathe again.

"What?" I eventually snapped, still fuming through my haze. "Like what you see? Expect me to just bend over and let you do me here?"

A tic worked in his jaw, and he threw the cigarette butt down on the floor and stamped it out angrily. "Not in the fucking least," he retorted, wrenching the volume level up to blaring and dropping down under the car before I could say anything else.

I exhaled sharply and stormed out of the garage, determined to get out to the truck before I let any angry tears fall. All I could think about was making it home so I could start searching through the classifieds while I cooked dinner. There was no way I would ever work around someone so disrespectful.

I knew I wasn't much to look at. I'd always considered myself to be awkward, gangly, and plain. My hair fell limp around my face and was—to me—the most boring shade of brown known to mankind. My eyes were no different. I'd longed for something other than the flat brown I'd been born with. I was thin, but soft. I hadn't been blessed with curves and had no muscle definition of any kind, no matter how many hours I'd spent in the gym lately. To have it just announced like that, though…

Charlie knew something was wrong as soon as I stomped my way through the living room with the bag of groceries in my hand, but wisely stayed away. I slammed pots and pans around and tossed silverware haphazardly in the sink as everything cooked, still boiling with anger and quite frankly, self-loathing.

I raced back out of the kitchen and snatched the paper off the coffee table, shocking Charlie. I searched through the pages and found the classifieds, feeling an odd sense of disappointment when I was flooded with all the "help wanted" ads.

I wanted to slam my head against the table in frustration. "What is wrong with you?" I moaned to myself.

Charlie's footsteps echoed behind me, and I could hear the chair squeak as he sat down next to me. "Want to tell me what's going on?"

I shook my head vehemently because I didn't _know_ what was going on. I wanted to get as far away from the man in the garage as possible, yet the thought sent the strangest pang racing through my chest, almost as if this heart was pleading to get closer to him.

"If it's about your appointment, Bella, you can-"

"It's not," I breathed, feeling incredibly guilty to have caused just the tiniest bit of worry for Charlie. "Everything checked out fine. I promise."

"Oh."

He looked at a loss for words, so I got up and checked the broiling fish, happy that it was done so I had an excuse to busy myself with the mindless task of plating the food before I broke down and cried.

I sat Charlie's plate down in front of him and watched him stop as soon as he realized what was on it. He eyed the broccoli suspiciously while his hand was suspended in mid-air. He exhaled loudly, and then finally picked up his fork.

"Looks good," he commented, feigning nonchalance. He was almost as bad of a liar as I was.

I suppressed a laugh. "Thanks. I didn't know what you wanted, so I made what I usually eat. Worked out, too, because you have all that fish in the freezer."

He grunted and took a bite, his eyes widening in surprise. "It's good, Bella. Really good."

"You thought it wouldn't be?" I asked, a hint of a challenge in my voice.

He flushed. "No, I… Hell, I thought it was going to taste like rubber," he admitted sheepishly.

I giggled. "No. Not rubber, Dad."

We ate silently for a while; Charlie cleaned up what was on his plate and went back to get seconds, grabbing a beer out of the fridge on his way by.

"So… You liked Dr. Cullen?"

"Yeah. Seems like a good guy."

"You'd like his wife too," he said, spearing a piece of broccoli.

"How, um, how old is he?" I asked awkwardly.

"Early forties," Charlie answered with a frown. "Esme—his wife—is a little younger."

"And they have a son who owns a garage?" I asked in surprise.

"Emmett, yeah," he said with a nod. "They were all adopted."

"All?"

"Uh-huh. As teenagers. All three of them. People still think the Cullens are nuts for doing that." Charlie suddenly got extremely uncomfortable, alarming me.

After a few excruciatingly long seconds, I couldn't stand the anxious burn in my chest any longer. "Dad?"

"Are you sure about why you're here?" he blurted out.

"I'm pretty sure, yeah. Why?"

"It's just…" He paused and stared at his plate for a moment. "I found the name of your donor's brother today."

I was suddenly giddy with anticipation, all thoughts of the red-headed asshole from earlier forgotten. "Really? Who is he? Does he live in Forks like we thought?"

"Yeah, he lives here. For now, anyway," Charlie answered reluctantly. He pulled out a slip of paper from his pocket and pushed it my way.

I reached out to take it from him, my hand shaking nervously as I did. I stared at the script on the paper in disbelief unsure if I was reading it correctly or if it was some crazy figment of my imagination.

_Edward Cullen._

The name sent a jolt of electricity through me, and I knew that trying to stay away from the garage and the irritating man inside was no longer an option. I wanted to scream, but it seemed almost like too much work at this point. I was merely a puppet being dragged behind… whatever the hell this obsession of mine was by its strings.

"Cullen?" I managed to eventually croak out. "As in Dr. Cullen?"

Charlie nodded somberly. "His youngest, actually."

"What's he uh… what's he look like?"

"Tall, funny colored hair. Kind of red, I guess you'd-"

I held up my hands to stop him; I couldn't hear any more. I squeezed my eyes closed and focused on breathing calmly. It was like a nightmare slowly unraveling before me. "He works at the garage?"

Charlie scowled. "I think he helps out from time to time. Why?"

I pushed my plate away, suddenly not hungry. "No reason. I think I'm going to take a shower and crash. I'll clean all this up later," I said numbly.

"Bella, what's going on? You look… green."

"I'm fine, Dad. Just tired," I said, giving him a reassuring smile.

I managed to escape and fled to my room. I flipped open my journal and feverishly started writing on the first empty page I found until my hand cramped and I couldn't write anything more.

I had his name. All the comfort I thought that would come with it was nowhere to be found; instead, I was wrapped up in fear and apprehension for when the words finally left my mouth, and just as abruptly as my decision to come to Forks in the first place, I was second guessing every last one of those reasons I had for coming.

* * *

><p><strong>The song Edward was listening to in the garage was TOOL's "Forty Six &amp; 2". Mainly because of these lyrics here:<strong>

_**My shadow.  
>Change is coming through my shadow.<br>My shadow's shedding skin  
>I've been picking<br>My scabs again**_

_**I've been crawling on my belly  
>Clearing out what could've been.<br>I've been wallowing in my own chaotic  
>And insecure delusions.<strong>_

_**I wanna feel the change consume me,**_  
><em><strong>Feel the outside turning in.<strong>_  
><em><strong>I wanna feel the metamorphosis and<strong>_  
><em><strong>Cleansing I've endured within<strong>_

**However, the entire fucking song is appropriate. So Google the lyrics if you don't know them ;)**

**A/N **

**I hate these things...**

**Yep, angst. It's been a while for me. I've had a lot of RL issues going these last few months, so it's great to be posting something again.**

**WYWG readers: It's coming. I promise. I was blocked for like, three months. Sorry!**

**The fic is supposed to be mysterious, so if you have questions, as always, you're free to ask. I just can't guarantee that I'll ever answer them. They will all be attended to eventually.**

**New Twitter account, because of all those RL issues I might've mentioned. Follow at your own risk... (at)JT040708**

**EPOV up next. The update is scheduled for 7/27**

**Thanks for reading :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you everyone for the reviews and adds for just that first chapter. If I didn't respond to your review, it was because I thought you deserved more than a generic "Thank you" and couldn't come up with anything better to say. I am lame.**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, as usual.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 2<p>

**Edward**

From the second I left the garage, all I could see when I closed my eyes was yoga pants. Not just any fucking yoga pants: Tight, royal blue yoga pants that framed the perfect, swaying ass of the girl who'd come into the garage earlier; yoga pants that made every cell in my long deadened body fire like a piston, sparking life back into me again.

The irony of that thought, given my summer "job", was not lost on me.

When I wasn't picturing those yoga pants plastered over her ass, I envisioned all that long, dark, shining hair cascading down around me as she writhed on top of me, those huge doe eyes searing right through me. Plump, unpainted lips being wetted by a flick of her tongue. Gorgeous, creamy skin. I was attracted to her from the second I saw her. It was the first time I'd been attracted to anyone since…

I ground my teeth together and squeezed my eyes closed, willing the sudden wave of nausea to pass. As soon as I knew I could hop up without puking all over my parent's expensive, Brazilian cherry wood floor, I shot out of the bed and made a fucking mad dash to the adjoining bathroom, flipping on the shower, and then bracing myself on the tile wall until I could breathe again.

And I'd been doing so goddamned well.

As soon as the shower had warmed, I stripped and stepped into the stream, reaching for the soap as soon as I got inside. I scrubbed my body until my skin was reddened and practically raw, needing to keep at it—even when the water started to run cold—until I'd wiped myself clean of the memory. I could never stand the way I felt after it came to surface. Dirty, lost, broken, weak, just to name a few. It never mattered how much time passed; it always crippled me.

I eventually regained my sanity and remembered that all the soap in the world couldn't wash it away, so I got out and wrapped a towel around my waist before I went back to bed. I flopped down on top of the covers without bothering to really dry off, and then glanced over at the clock. I only had another hour to go before I could go downstairs without causing any alarm.

After all these years, I'd become a master at hiding things from my family. No one knew exactly what I'd been through. No one knew how black I was inside, how soulless I sometimes felt. I kept up the façade; I appeared the so-called norm. My adoptive parents thought they'd saved me from a life that was bound to find me not simply homeless, but dead in one of those dark alleyways I tried to forget. I supposed that in a way, they did.

They just didn't know that it still haunted me; that I spent every night lying awake so that I didn't see the monsters of my past or that I'd trained myself to stop screaming when I woke up from the nightmares they induced on the nights I finally _did_ succumb to exhaustion. They had no idea that I was already broken when they'd found me and that the thousands of dollars of therapy they'd spent on me had only helped me to cope with the aftereffects of that life.

There were some things even the best psychiatrist couldn't fix.

And I planned to keep all those dark secrets of mine just that: secret. I'd never be able to stand seeing Esme's face crumple when she found out or the shame, the pity that would shine in Carlisle's usually kind and understanding blue eyes.

Fuck that.

The girl would be back today, and knowing my brother, Emmett, she'd have the job as soon as she said the words, "Dr. Cullen told me about the job opening", which was not what I had in mind. That girl… She had an attitude that threatened to put me right back in my fucking place, had I actually stood there for a second longer and let her. No woman spoke to me like that, and I found it… unsettling at how relieved I was to hear a woman get angry with me instead of trying to weasel her way into my pants or my heart. Or my wallet.

All of which were off limits.

Then again, so was she.

She was innocent underneath all that fire, and I was… I was fucking toxic. I'd destroy her, though I honestly didn't want to. And when I left Forks to go back to Seattle for med school, I'd leave nothing but a pile of ruin in my wake.

I wasn't sure how, but I knew she deserved so much more than that. I needed her to stay away from me. Because fantasies of yoga pants or not, I was no good for her.

The hour ticked by slowly. I stared at the navy blue walls of my bedroom here in Forks and tried to keep the past _in_ the past. But it kept creeping up on me today, relentlessly battering at my defenses until I finally gave in.

_Elizabeth had navy walls,_ I thought to myself. Pitted and cracked walls that had been haphazardly painted this very color, albeit a cheap knock-off version, one night in a drug-induced frenzy. To keep _them_ out, whomever _they_ actually were. I'd hidden in the closet, eating the saltines I'd squirreled away after one of the few times she remembered to buy food for me. God, I'd been so hungry for so long that I'd grown accustomed to it. It seemed normal. After I'd moved into Carlisle and Esme's house, I'd finally gotten a taste of what it felt like to truly be full. It took me months to let go of the need to hoard food somewhere. My drawers were filled with small bags of chips, Snowballs, and other Little Debbie-type snacks, but Esme never said a word. She just let me adjust at my own pace.

To this day, I thanked her for that.

I could still picture Elizabeth passed out on the couch with paint splattering her once beautiful face and the brush resting on her chest. Her breathing was shallow, and that terrified me even more than her mania. She was all I had in that God forsaken world and at the time, I still had no idea what she was truly capable of. She had her problems, but she was mine. She was the _only_ real, tangible thing I had then. I hadn't had a lot of toys or belongings, nor did I ever know who my sperm donor was. Although, I knew now that I was supposedly his namesake.

Not like I was ever going to bother checking that little fact out, though.

A light knock at my door was my salvation from where I was headed with that, and I took a deep breath to steady myself before making a move to answer it. I threw on a pair of basketball shorts as I went to open it. Esme stood in the hall, bundled in her pale pink robe like it was twelve degrees outside and not a balmy seventy. Her caramel hair was piled high on her head, and her brown eyes were heavy with sleep. The knock wasn't my salvation at all. She was. She had been since the moment she saw me lying in that hospital bed, and maybe always would be.

"Hey," I murmured, glancing down the hall to see if Carlisle was awake. The rest of the house was quiet, so I knew he and Jasper were still passed out blissfully in their beds.

"I saw your light on," she whispered. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Woke up early and figured if I fell back asleep, I'd be tired all day," I lied. "So I just went ahead and got up."

"Oh. Want some breakfast?"

I shook my head. "You don't have to cook for me."

"I want to," she argued. "I miss it. You're only here for the summer. As soon as you start med school, I'll hardly ever see you."

I couldn't remember the last time I'd denied her something. She always phrased what she wanted in such a way that I hadn't the first clue how. "Fine," I grumbled, watching her face light up when I gave in.

She reached out to touch me, but then changed her mind and let her arm drop back to her side. I scowled. She could always read me so well, knowing exactly when I could stand the touch and when I preferred her to stay away. Everyone else touched me at will, and I found my body freezing in diluted panic almost every time. The instinct to run was still strong, even though I wasn't that small kid anymore and I knew, realistically, that no one would hurt me again.

Reminding myself of that just never seemed to make a difference.

I silently followed her to the kitchen, bypassing her as I made my way out back for a quick smoke break on the deck. Carlisle hated this nasty little habit of mine, so I tended to only do it when he wasn't around, not wanting to see the disappointment on his face when I took that first drag. Besides, if I didn't feed my addiction now, I wouldn't have the chance again until I left the house.

I went back inside and sat at the table just as Esme got all the ingredients out to make strawberry pancakes, something that she was making for Jasper just as much as she was for me. Carlisle came down as she started to pour the batter out onto the griddle, giving me a sleepy wave as he headed over to Esme. He greeted her with a kiss as he stretched his arm around her and took hold of the coffee pot. Watching my parents together still seemed so foreign to me. I knew that this was the way relationships were supposed to be, but I never could quite get a handle on it. Didn't matter, though. It wasn't something I was interested in. Having it still feel foreign after all this time just solidified that. Not only was I unworthy of it, I couldn't even understand it. If that wasn't a sure sign of how irrevocably damaged I was...

It only served to steel my resolve further. This was not in my future. Keeping everyone at arm's length only helped preserve what little humanity I had left inside.

For some reason, I thought of the girl and frowned again. And then was slapped on the back of my head by my idiot brother as he went to the fridge.

Mild panic ensued.

I worked to calm myself before anyone noticed, watching him closely as he yanked out the milk and started gulping it straight from the jug.

"God damn it, Emmett, there are other people in this house who will use that too," I complained when I finally could speak again.

He shrugged and flashed me a dimpled smile. He was always like this. It wasn't like he was so self-involved that he disregarded everyone else, he just genuinely didn't see that what he did could potentially cause a problem. He was loud and crass, but he was kind hearted—despite what he'd been through. I had no idea how he was so well adjusted. His life was much like mine, and yet, he was… happy.

He put the milk back in the fridge and came to sit beside me. His massive body swallowed the chair, and I had to wonder how the fucker managed to sit in the same one each time he came over and not break it.

"Why are you here, anyway? Shouldn't you be at home with Rose?" I asked.

"Free breakfast," he answered, his cobalt blue eyes flashing over at Esme and back again at me. "Rose doesn't cook."

"Ah," I said with a nod. Whatever.

"You coming in later?"

I'd intended to say no in order to stay away from the girl who'd be coming back to talk to Emmett today, but what came out of my mouth was the exact opposite. "Yeah, after breakfast."

_What the fuck?_

"Good. We could use you. The new guy already called in sick, and we're booked solid till five."

"What's on the schedule?"

"Mainly oil changes and shit, but there's a sixty-eight 'Vette coming in for a new tranny. God, I cannot wait to get my hands on her. You'll probably have to do the majority of the work on it, though. I'm sure I'll be buried knee deep in fucking paperwork later." He ran his hands through his short, dark brown hair, a trait every one of us had picked up from Carlisle. His wedding ring caught my eye, and I followed the silver band on his finger all the way back down to the table. "I need a new administrative chick. Like now."

I glanced away.

"You might have one," Carlisle interjected.

_Shit._

"Really?" Emmett asked anxiously. "How?"

"I gave a new patient of mine your card and told her that you were hiring. It's the chief's daughter, Bella, actually. You'd like her," he responded.

Bella. Beautiful. Go fucking figure.

"She seemed interested," he continued. "Maybe she'll stop by."

"She already did," I muttered, surprising them both. "Last night. Told her to come back today."

Where were the fucking pancakes? Talking about this girl made me want to start fidgeting like a middle-schooler with his first crush. I could feel my family's eyes boring into me, but I kept focus on my hands, picking at the calloused skin of my palms until someone cleared their throat.

I glanced up and saw Emmett study me for a moment longer before saying something. "Don't want her there, bro? I can keep looking. Hell, she might be a complete waste of my time."

"She's the chief's daughter, Emmett," Carlisle said. "She's not a waste of time."

"But maybe she lacks… computer skills," he said, grasping for some reason not to hire her.

"Nah." I shrugged and met his gaze, struggling for nonchalance. "She seems fine. Perfectly competent with plenty of computer skills." Saying anything else would have caused more scrutiny, and there was no need.

Because I wasn't going to have anything to do with the girl.

I'd lied well enough, because Emmett's face broke out into a wide grin and he clapped his hands together in anticipation. "Sweet. I'll have Rosie interview her then."

Esme turned around with a hesitant expression. "Sweetheart, as much as I love Rosalie, do you really think that's a good idea?"

When Emmett didn't respond, she elaborated, "It's just… Rosalie has such high expectations of people and she tends to come off a little…"

"Bitchy," Jasper finished for her as he walked through the door.

"I was going to say 'tough'," Esme said with a hard look in his direction. "Rosalie's not bitchy at all."

Jasper's dark blonde hair stood up on his head and he wiped the sleep from his gray eyes. He was wearing a long sleeved, white thermal shirt with Emmett's garage's logo on the front and a pair of black plaid pajama pants. It didn't matter how hot it was outside, he wore long sleeves and pants to hide his scars. Scars that marred the entire right side of his body and even stretched up to his chin, where the flames had licked at my brother's face before he was finally pulled away from them.

"Or maybe scary is more appropriate," he amended. "What are we talking about anyway?"

Emmett answered him as he gave Esme a quick peck on the cheek in greeting. "New hire at the garage."

"If your goal is to scare the girl—I'm assuming it's a girl—away, then go right ahead. If, however, you actually want to stop working on all that paperwork and get your hands on a car again, then you might want to have someone else do it, instead."

Emmett eyes landed on me.

"No," I said fiercely.

Jasper laughed.

"Come on! Please," Emmett pleaded. He looked so stupid as he stuck out his lower lip. "I need her."

"Then you need to be the judge on how much you 'need' her."

He shook his head obstinately. "Two words: Corvette. Tranny."

I glanced up to make sure neither of our parents were paying attention, and then snarled, "Two words: Fuck. You."

Emmett huffed, but knew me well enough not to argue. "Fine, I'll do it. You treat that 'Vette like it's one of those bodies you'll be studying this fall. Got it?"

I rolled my eyes, but was more than relieved that I didn't have to speak to this Bella person again. "I got it. Don't worry. Your precious baby is safe with me."

"It'd better be."

* * *

><p>"Holy shit."<p>

We were hovering next to Emmett's coveted 'Vette while we waited for the transmission fluid to finish draining when Sam Uley uttered that curse. I didn't even have to move my stare from the Quileute to know who'd walked in the door that moment. Somehow, I already knew that Bella was here.

"That her?" Emmett asked me before I could analyze that too much. "Please, say that's her."

I glanced up and saw Bella walking toward us hesitantly, dressed in a pair of slim black pants and a cream, sleeveless sweater that exposed only her collarbone and unbelievably, was still hot as fuck. Her hair was straight today, falling over her shoulders until it came to rest at her chest. When she pulled her lower lip in between her teeth and scanned the room, I had to look away.

I wasn't exactly sure why, though.

"It's her," I finally answered.

"Thank you, Jesus." He laughed triumphantly and strode away from us. Bella looked terrified of him until he smiled—which was completely normal; Emmett was so big, he scared most people—and then she did something that made my chest ache. She smiled back. It was warm and friendly and made her look absolutely stunning.

I scrubbed at my hair, suddenly and irrationally angry that she was here, when all I wanted was for her to disappear from my life and my mind.

"I need a smoke. Don't touch anything till I get back," I barked at Sam.

He cocked his brow, but said nothing in return.

I brushed past Emmett and Bella on my way out back, not bothering to glance over at them, though I wanted to. Desperately. And I had no idea what that was about.

Seemed to be the theme for the day.

I stopped just outside the back door and fumbled through my pockets for the appropriate paraphernalia. The second I had the cigarette lit, I took a deep drag and relaxed as the smoke burned through my lungs. The familiar feeling was soothing. It was the one thing I'd brought from my old life into this new one, even though I was well aware how contradictory it was to be a wannabe surgeon smoking like a fucking chimney in the middle of January. I just really didn't give enough of a shit about myself to quit.

I watched the rain splatter on the roof of my Volvo as I stood under the awning of the building and inhaled again. That silver car was the first thing I'd ever bought on my own, and it was a reminder of how far I'd come from being that scrawny boy that lived on the streets of Chicago. I'd refused to let Carlisle and Esme buy me anything when I got my license. I spent two years saving up enough money to buy it with what little money I worked my ass off earning and only—just barely—stopped being such a stubborn prick to let Carlisle cosign for the loan.

I'd probably never get rid of it for that reason alone.

The door swung open beside me, and Rosalie stepped out in the rain, giving me a peculiar look as she tied her long, blonde hair off her face. The gray coveralls she insisted on wearing were hanging from her waist, leaving only a stark white tank top behind, and I was betting there was no bra covering those perky tits of hers. I knew how lucky everyone thought my brother was for marrying her. She was without a doubt one of the most gorgeous women most of them had ever seen. And I supposed if I was like everyone else, I might've thought the same thing. But I didn't. To me, she was just another extended family member I got when I was adopted; a piece of the norm I hadn't known existed until then.

"Since when do you smoke outside instead of going out of your way to pollute my airspace?" she asked, pursing her dark red lips.

"Figured I'd be doing a public service by stepping outside. What do you want?"

She rolled her eyes. "Emmett told me to check on you. You've been out here for a while."

I glanced down at my cigarette and noticed that it'd gone out from lack of use, thanks to the fire safe paper it was rolled with.

"Huh," was all I said back. I really wasn't interested in the cigarette anymore, so I dumped it in the nearby trashcan, shoved my hands down in my pockets, and stared up at the dreary, gray sky. The one thing I missed about Chicago was the sun shining down on my face. I'd always loved that feeling as a kid.

"She's got a scar," Rosalie said after a while.

"What?" I asked, glancing over at her in confusion.

"The girl in there. The potential new secretary," she responded. "She bent over to get her ID out of her purse and I caught a glimpse of it. This much, maybe?" She held up her hands and measured the distance between her fingers; it was only half an inch. "It's vertical and pink, like she's had some kind of recent surgery."

Explained why she sought my dad out immediately after moving here.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, regardless of the fact that my mind was currently busy ticking off the numerous cardiothoracic operations that resulted in a pink, vertical scar on one's chest. The list was long and progressively worsened, so I quickly curbed my curiosity before I piqued Rosalie's.

"Just thought you might be interested. That's all," she said nonchalantly.

"We all have scars, Rosalie." Mine were just as deep on the inside as they were on the outside, and I imagined that Bella's were too. There was no way someone so young could have gone through something so serious and come out unscathed.

But why the fuck did I care?

"Yeah," she breathed. Her violet eyes turned down to the sidewalk. "Some just aren't visible like others."

I assumed that she was referring to Emmett, but when she stared back up at me, I saw an understanding flash in her eyes that shocked the hell out of me.

"So are you finished drooling over your car?" she asked, changing the subject.

I swallowed the sudden lump in the back of my throat down so I could speak. "Nope. I've probably got a few more hours of salivating to do."

She laughed. "Well, finish up. Sam's itching to get back to work on the 'Vette."

"I'll be there in a minute, damn it. Tell him if I so much as find one of those pretty black hairs of his on her, he's fired."

"Do you always have to be such an ass to people?"

"Do you always have to look like a slut?" I shot back.

"You make it really fucking hard not to slap you sometimes," she hissed as she stormed off.

I stayed outside for a little while longer before going back inside, trying to wrap my mind around what was going on with me. I'd always been pretty fucked up, but it was like all my skeletons were jumping out of my closet today. With every breath some memory resurfaced, and I had to shove it back down in the crypt and lock it away again. It was infuriating.

I was almost past the office and in the clear, when Emmett called out for me.

I stopped and squeezed my eyes closed, working to quell my anger. It wasn't his fault his brother was a half-crazed freak. "Yeah?" I croaked.

"Stay here with Bella for a sec, dude. I gotta take this call."

"What?"

"Keep her company." He glanced between us. "Here, I'll introduce you to make it less awkward or whatever. Edward, this is Bella Swan. Bella, my idiot brother, Edward. Ignore him if you want. I don't really care. Just do… something."

He pushed me over toward Bella hard, taking me by surprise. I stumbled and nearly slammed into the poor girl, catching myself on the side of the desk just before we collided.

"Fuck, Emmett," I snapped, "watch where you're throwing people."

He waved me off in his rush outside.

"I'm sorry," I said, stepping as far away from her as I could. "He was raised by bears. Our parents found him up on the mountain and brought him home. You might've seen documentaries about the feral kid the Cullen's took in. No? Well, you're not missing anything. It was pretty damn boring."

_What the fuck was that?_

Bella giggled, and so the nonsense just kept spewing out of my mouth.

"I'm dead serious. It's the only explanation I have for his behavior," I continued. I bit down on my tongue to stop it from flapping around stupidly.

"Your brother's sweet," she said softly.

I didn't answer that. I was certain that a laugh or smile was what I was supposed to do in return, but I wasn't really sure. "Socially inept" did not even begin to describe me.

I ran my hands through my hair and looked out to the garage. Every single man in this place was staring at us. More specifically, Bella. I snapped my teeth together as rage bubbled up inside me again, along with a strange feeling I couldn't seem to shake. I didn't know what it was; I just knew that I didn't like the thought of anyone looking at her like that. Like she was some sort of…

But was it really any different than what I'd done earlier? Fantasizing about her like that? She was beautiful. Any hot-blooded male in their right mind would want to be with her. Not to mention, I didn't have claim on her. I'd _never_ have claim on her.

So it shouldn't matter.

"They're all staring at you," I growled lowly.

She blinked. "What?"

When I pointed out toward the garage, everyone instantly dropped their heads and went back to what they'd been doing before.

"Oh. I'm sure they're just trying to figure out if I'll be working here or not," she answered flippantly.

I watched a blush creep up into her cheeks and felt my dick pop up at attention, just like it had last night.

Which pissed me off more than anything else. Sex was the last thing I needed to be thinking about. Especially with someone so much better than me.

"You are, aren't you?"

"I am what?"

"Taking the job."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah. Of course you are," I groaned angrily, shoving my hands through my hair.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, putting one hand on her hip and glowering over at me.

"It means that I would really rather you didn't. That's all."

Her mouth sprung open in surprise from my honesty. "God, you're rude, you know that?"

I shrugged, causing her to let out a little screech of frustration.

"You really don't care?"

"Not really."

She huffed. "Look, I want this job. _Need_ this job. So as much as it pains me to say it, I figure if we're going to work together, I should at least try to be nice to you. But let me make something clear. If it were any other circumstance, I would introduce my kneecap to your balls right now."

My brows shot up. What was with these girls and physical violence today?

"You have that affect on me," she continued, trailing her fingers along the edge of the desk. "I just want to… hurt you when you talk to me like that."

If she was looking for an apology then she'd be waiting forever. I needed her to hate me. The more she hated me, the less I had to worry about her coming near me.

"Keep your knees away from my balls. I'm fairly attached to them," I replied instead.

Another little giggle burst free from her lips and she relaxed. "I'm sure you are. Boys are strangely attached to their… bits."

"And you're not?"

"Not like that. Of course, I don't really have anything of note, so it doesn't matter."

Oh, she had a warped view of herself, this one.

I flopped down into one of the chairs sitting against the wall and looked for something to do, because talking was not my forte. Another cigarette would be fucking sublime right about now, but I got the impression that Miss Swan here didn't like smokers. And while I'm usually the first one to blow smoke in someone's face just to get a rise out of them, I couldn't bring myself to pull out my pack and light up in front of her.

I ran my hands over my face. Christ, I was in trouble if I was already ignoring a craving for some random chick I didn't even know. Worse was that my body was still demanding to shut the blinds and bend her over the desk so I could touch every inch of her smooth skin and watch her body accept mine. I could feel it crackle in the air around me, and every breath—every step—Bella took pulled me closer and closer to the ledge. Her sweet scent filled the room, and the way her clothes clung to her every move… I was nearly ready to launch myself at her when she finally spoke again.

"So my dad tells me that you and your brothers were adopted," Bella said roughly, almost as if she felt it too.

Impossible.

I jerked myself out of the haze to answer her. "Yup."

"How old were you?"

I gritted my teeth so I didn't scream the answer. I hated people probing into my past. "Fourteen."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "I thought you'd be younger."

"Nope. I got the full experience of a shitty life in Chicago."

Her thin, dark brows furrowed with my words, but she didn't bother saying any more. It was like she could sense not to push me. And because she didn't, I suddenly wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to spill my secrets and feel the weight of them disintegrate from my shoulders. I wanted to tell her about my biological mother, my _fucked up_ mother who needed a quick ticket out of town and threw her son to the wolves to get the money for her escape.

Surely if I told her, though, I'd watch her run away, screaming in the night. I was tainted. It was inevitable.

Emmett came back in the room and glanced between us. "You were nice to her, right?" he asked suspiciously.

Bella laughed. "He was fine. Well, as nice as he can be, I guess."

My brow quirked. "Are you calling me a dick?"

She smiled a slow, sexy smile that made my stomach do this unnecessary little flip. "If the shoe fits…"

"I'm almost inclined to take that as a compliment," I retorted with a sneer. "Almost."

This made her grin even wider.

Emmett's mouth dropped open in disbelief. He stared at me long enough to make me uncomfortable, and that was a feeling I'd just about had enough of recently.

"What is up your ass, dude?" I muttered. I scrambled for a cigarette, regardless of what I'd been thinking just a few minutes ago because of years of habitual behavior. The second I saw Bella drop back and cover her pretty little mouth with her hand, I held off on lighting it.

_"Stop it, would you? I can't be around it."_

Her words from last night tumbled through my brain, and I quickly understood that dislike wasn't the problem at all. Nor did it have anything to do with a simple allergy, most people's excuse, and everything to do with that scar that ran down the center of her chest.

Now the curiosity was unbearable.

"I'm going back out," I told them, not bothering to wait for Emmett to protest.

I rushed back over to where Sam was idly tapping his fingers on the fender of the 'Vette and lit my cigarette. This time, I was going to finish the damn thing, just to spite that ridiculous feeling of chivalry I had.

* * *

><p><strong>Since I'm a little bit of a pessimist and don't necessarily believe this nice lull in my RL will last, I'm going to pace myself a little slower on this fic. An update every other week for now, instead of once a week like I typically do, because the last thing I want to do is make anyone wait for an update, like with WYWG. That not only sucks for you guys, but it sucks for me too.<strong>

**And now I will run and hide. See you on 8/10 :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed and alerted this fic since the last update. I didn't get a chance to respond to as many of the reviews as I'd have liked to (school starting and work made things crazy around here), but I read and appreciated them all.**

**Thank you to my beta dude, Stratan, as always.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 3<p>

**Bella**

"You'd better hurry it up, or you'll be late," Charlie called from at the bottom of the stairs.

"I know!" I rushed around my room and started shoving things into my gym bag. I stopped and made sure I had everything before I hitched the bag over my shoulder and raced down the stairs.

I couldn't be late for my first day at work. Just _couldn't_. This was my one shot to not look like the inexperienced nineteen-year-old I was, and someone who actually deserved this job. I still couldn't even begin to understand why Emmett Cullen had hired me, but I wasn't going to question it. I needed this job too badly.

I wasn't sure how I was going to manage working in such close proximity to Edward. Not only was I harboring a huge secret about his biological family, but he was a total asshole. A total asshole that made me… I wasn't sure how to describe it, really. He made me nervous, but not in a bad way. More like giddy, I'd suppose, although, I wasn't really familiar with that feeling so I couldn't be sure. Butterflies turned to giant birds flapping around in my stomach when he was near. The chemistry between us was so palpable, it frazzled my mind and caused my libido to go into hyperdrive. All I'd wanted him to do when we stood in the office together was close the distance between us and kiss me. It was all I'd been able to think about _still_—a week later—and I'd never really wanted that until now, even with the few crushes I'd had before.

It was startling.

He was unknowingly funny, even though he tended to keep that locked away and was broody instead. But that moment he'd let his defenses down and let me see into his personality—that split second in the office that stunned his own brother silent—I could see how amazing he was under all that angry armor, and I couldn't help but wonder what he looked like when he smiled.

I'd bet he was breathtaking.

I just needed to know why he protected himself so much. I needed to know more about his life before the Cullens, though I didn't know why. I just knew that it was the answer to why he was so closed off to everyone now. And maybe, I thought stupidly, this was the reason why I felt so connected to him already. Maybe I was here to help him.

I brushed past Charlie and sat down at the table to put on my shoes. He went over to the stove for something, and then practically threw a plate of eggs, turkey bacon, and wheat toast at me when I went to get up.

He pointed at the plate. "Eat. I bought that awful turkey bacon just so you'd have something to eat in the morning."

"I was going to pick something up on my way."

"Eat," he repeated.

"Dad, I don't have time," I argued.

"If you'd stop arguing you would."

My lips twitched, and I made a show of taking a bite. "Happy?"

He nodded and buttered a piece of toast on his own plate. "Shouldn't you be more… dressed up?" he asked awkwardly.

I finally let myself smile. "No. I work in a garage. I was specifically instructed by both Emmett and his wife not to wear anything nice unless I wanted it ruined. Chances are between my clumsiness and the general chaos in the garage, I'll come home dirty a lot."

He grunted and took a bite of the bacon. "Not bad, actually."

"See? Being healthy doesn't have to suck."

"So far."

I laughed and crammed the last of my eggs into my mouth then quickly chewed before I spoke again. "Okay, I'm done. I need to go before I'm really late. Can we have something beside eggs in the morning, though?"

He gave me an odd look.

I started popping open my pill bottles and dumping my medication out into my palm. "I like them, I do. I just getting sick of eating them every single day."

"It's all I know how to cook," he admitted.

"How about oatmeal? Or cereal? Even yogurt would work."

He grimaced. "I'm not eating yogurt."

_Baby steps,_ I reminded myself. "Okay, you don't have to. But I might. And maybe we could make the eggs with the whites only?"

I could see his jaw clench in annoyance but he didn't complain. "Make a list. I'll buy whatever you want when I finish my shift."

I hopped up and kissed him on the cheek, making him blush. "How about I just meet you at the store instead?"

"Yeah, okay. That'll work."

I smiled and picked up my glass of juice, dumping the pills in my mouth and chugging them down as fast as I could. "I'll call you when I leave."

With Forks being as small of a town as it was, I was parking my rusty truck next to a shining, ridiculously clean car in the back lot of the garage in no time at all. I got out of the truck and looked over at the other car in the lot. Silver. Small. Volvo with tinted windows. Exactly like the one that'd whizzed by me at the hospital.

I got the strangest feeling that I already knew the owner.

I grabbed my purse and locked the truck up before heading inside, leaving my coveted journal in its usual spot on the passenger's side of the cab. It was starting to sprinkle, and for a fleeting moment, I missed the Phoenix weather and my overbearing mother—even my stepfather, Phil.

I glanced at my watch as I strode through the door and figured I was early enough that I could send them a quick e-mail while I waited on Emmett and Rosalie to get here. There wasn't much to learn about the job, but I needed to get an idea of the system that they and the rest of the employees used throughout the day, so I was going to be training all this week with the other Cullen brother since Emmett would be preoccupied with some… major restorative work on some old ass car. I had no idea; my eyes had glazed over when he was talking about it.

God help me.

I hurried inside and looked around the quiet, cavernous area. There were a couple of cars up on lifts and the lights flickered overhead, but other than that, it was completely empty. It felt like a different place than it had the last time I was here without all the activity and the high-pitched whir of the impact drills.

I heard the sound of paper rustling together coming from the corner and wheeled around to see Edward bent over a magazine, concentrating solely on the article with the exception of one cursory glance toward me. Sure enough, he was my Volvo owner.

"Hey," I whispered in greeting. "I didn't see you there."

He shrugged a shoulder and went back to his reading, as if he was studiously ignoring me. I stood there for a split second, trying to figure out what to say next. There was so much swimming in my head that I wanted to get out, but I had no idea where to begin. I didn't want to tell him everything—like the weird connection I felt with him already—because I was pretty sure it'd freak him out, but I wanted to be honest and upfront. But how could I say, "Your biological sister is dead. I have her heart"? Nothing I could think of sounded appropriate.

We were alone. Now was just as good of a time as any to spill my secret, yet I couldn't force the words from my tongue. I just stood there with my mouth opening and closing like a goldfish trapped in a glass bowl until I simply couldn't anymore.

I panicked.

I bolted for the office, shutting the door behind me and throwing myself into the chair. I let my head fall against the cool wooden surface and groaned. This was so much harder than I'd anticipated, and I quickly realized that I'd been incredibly naïve to come here and think it was necessary to insert myself into his life. He didn't need me. He was…

I lifted my head and stared back across the distance to where he stood and scrutinized his face. He wasn't happy, not in the least. Not with this job, not with his life… And so my determination grew. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but I knew I had to tell him before I left for UW in August. It was inexplicable and went against every conscious thought I was having.

But I just couldn't turn away from him.

My hand came up to rest over my heart the second he lifted his head and stared at me. His eyes snapped to my hand then back up to my face questioningly. And almost as if he was irritated with himself for wondering, his eyes narrowed and his amazing mouth—the one I was positive I'd be dreaming about later tonight—made a little snarl just before he grabbed his magazine and stormed out the door.

I sat there frozen and stared blankly at the empty place where his body once stood.

Before I had a chance to even come to terms with his abrupt departure, the door to the office opened and Rosalie walked inside.

"What crawled up his ass this morning?"

"Me," I answered weakly.

She cocked her head to the side as she thought about it. Her expression darkened for a moment, and then she snapped out of it, allowing a smile to cross her beautiful face. The way she seemed to be able to bury her feelings was a little… disconcerting. "He's moody. You'll get used to it."

"Moody?" I asked, blinking in surprise.

"Oh, yeah. One second he's fine and the next he's throwing tools around and letting curses fly. He's like that at home, too. I can't tell you how much shit he's broken since he came to live with Emmett's parents."

"Oh."

"You have to understand," she said hesitantly, shutting the door behind her as she walked toward me. "He's had a rough life. None of us really know what happened to him before Carlisle and Esme adopted him because he won't talk about it."

"He said he had a shitty life in Chicago," I agreed.

She looked shocked that he would even tell me something _that_ vague. "He said that?"

"Yeah, yesterday. Why?"

She shook her head. "Did he tell you anything else?"

"No."

"Just… be careful with him," she said softly. "He's damaged goods, Bella. He likes to pretend that he's normal, but he's not."

"He needs more practice," I said dryly, expounding that comment when she gave me a funny look. "On his pretending. I think we can all see right through him. I mean, I just met him and I already know it's bullshit."

"I think it's more for himself than it is for us, Bella," she answered gently. "Whether we know it to be false or not isn't really the issue. As long as he thinks he's got us all fooled, he's all right. If not…"

"What?" I asked, sitting on the edge of my seat. "What if he knew we all saw through it?"

"I don't really know, to be honest."

I chewed on my lip and stared back out at the garage, hoping that he'd come back through the door. I had no idea what Rosalie meant, but now I felt even more grounded to this place.

"So," she said, clearing her throat, "ready to get an idea of this madness my husband thinks is a decent billing system?"

I laughed a little. "Sure."

"Okay. I'll help you with it until Jasper gets here."

"Jasper's the other brother, right?"

She nodded and took a seat on the desk beside me. "The oldest. Emmett's next, then there's Edward. Jasper is Emmett's silent partner and Edward just helps out during the summer."

"How come?" The question was out of my mouth before I could think about it, and I immediately slapped my hand over it before I could say anything else.

Rosalie just laughed.

I moved my hand aside to speak. "I'm sorry. That was rude and invasive. You don't have to answer that."

"It's fine." She waved me off. "You should know who you're working for. Jasper and Edward are both in school."

"Really? I thought they were older than me."

"They are," she answered distractedly while she booted up the computer. "They're both in med school. Well, Edward starts this fall. Jasper will eventually work with burn victims and Edward plans to be a surgeon. Cardiothoracic, to be exact."

My eyes widened with this revelation and my hand immediately rubbed the place over my heart again. "Wh- Why?" I stuttered.

"Their pasts." She spotted someone walking through the door and smiled. "There's our boy now."

I didn't get to ask what she was talking about because a tall, lanky guy with dirty blonde hair came strolling through the door. He gave us both a lazy grin as he walked into the office and brushed his hair off his forehead, something I'd seen every single Cullen man do at least once since I'd gotten to Forks. He was gorgeous, but then again, all of the Cullen men were in one way or another. I was a little confused by his clothes—charcoal track pants and a long sleeved black tee—since it was pretty warm outside and everyone else was wearing short sleeves but I kept quiet. It wasn't any of my business.

"Bella, right?" he asked, his smoky gray eyes sparkling with curiosity.

"Yeah."

"Jasper. Nice to meet you. Emmett's raved about you already."

I giggled and glanced over at Rosalie, who simply shrugged. "He was happy to have someone take over this part of the business, that's for sure. And you just fell right in his lap."

Jasper threw me a little smirk with her comment, and my eyes widened slightly. If I didn't know any better, I'd have said he was flirting with me. "I'll just bet he loved that."

Rosalie left us alone to get acquainted and start our day. He showed me where all the forms and supplies were, and then moved to the computer programs as the day progressed and we had invoices to enter into the system. It was mindless work, really, and Jasper kept me company in my little hole. He was sweet, kind, and had this innate calm about him; he was the complete opposite of Edward, who always seemed so turbulent under the faux exterior.

_Stop thinking about him._

But I couldn't. My eyes kept lifting to where he was bent over the vehicle he was working on, watching his muscles move as he fought with something hidden behind the fender, watching his brows knit when he tried to figure out what move to make next, watching him bark orders at the poor, dark haired man beside him…

The very little time I wasn't staring at him, I could feel his eyes on me. Shit, I wanted him. For the first time in my life, I wanted someone. But I knew that I shouldn't. Rosalie had made it perfectly clear that he was damaged, and I had no idea how he'd react when I finally told him why I'd come to live with my father.

Even if he felt a fraction of what I did for him, Edward simply wasn't an option, as disheartening as it was.

"We're just about out of forms out here," Rosalie called from her spot next to a blue SUV. She looked like a pinup model leaning against the gleaming fender with her gray coveralls, wavy platinum hair, curvy body, and bright red lipstick.

I made a mental note to never stand next to her when someone had a camera.

Jasper and I both reached for the drawer at the same time. My bracelet caught his watch and snagged, locking us together. He chuckled and reached over to disentangle us, allowing me a peek at the skin on his right arm that had been hidden behind the sleeve of his shirt all morning long. His clothing and choice in career now made perfect sense to me.

I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. There were patches of dark stubble missing on the right side his neck where the hair just didn't grow anymore and I could almost guarantee that whatever he kept hidden under that shirt was a much more dramatic version of the sneak peak I was getting.

He'd been burned. Badly.

He jerked his hand back and looked away, leaving me to work on unwinding my bracelet from the clasp of his watch on my own. The second I was done he jumped out of his seat and scrambled toward the door.

"Wait a minute," I called out to him. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he answered gruffly, not bothering to glance back at me.

"Why do you think I care?"

He slowly turned around and eyed me warily. "Everyone cares. I look like a monster."

"You don't," I said emphatically. "No more than I do."

He looked taken aback.

"You want to know why I'm wearing a shirt that comes all the way up to my throat? Why you'll never see me wearing a v-neck?"

He swallowed and nodded reluctantly.

"I spent the majority of my teenage years in and out of the hospital having surgery after surgery before I ended up just having to wait on a heart. A few months back, I finally got one. My chest looks like a carved turkey now and there's nothing I can do about it. But that doesn't mean I want to broadcast it to everyone."

He smiled a little with my description.

"So are we okay? I don't want to work here and have it be awkward…"

"We're good. We're definitely good." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry I reacted that way."

"It's fine. Honestly.

"I'm going to grab some lunch. Want something?"

"Yeah, that would be great, thanks."

"It's diner food," he warned.

I cringed. "Okay, just this once. I don't eat that kind of crap anymore."

"Heart?"

"Yeah. It's stupid since I'm allowed to have it in moderation, but I can't help it." I paused and bit down on my lip. "Listen, can you keep the transplant thing to yourself? I don't want people looking at me differently."

"Your secret's safe with me."

And I knew it was.

* * *

><p>"Hey," I greeted Charlie as I rushed to the door of Fork's very own Thriftway. "How was work?"<p>

"I was just going to ask you the same thing," he answered with a grin.

"Good. I worked with Emmett's brother, Jasper, all day. He's nice."

Charlie's mood shifted, and he scowled. "He's a little old."

"I'm not dating him," I laughed. "I'm training with him. There's a huge difference."

He pulled out a cart from one of the rows without answering.

"How old is 'old', anyway?"

"Just turned twenty six."

"So he's on his last year of med school," I deduced.

"Yep."

"What about Emmett and Edward?"

"You can't ask them?"

"I guess I could," I conceded.

He sighed. "Emmett's twenty-five and Edward's twenty-two. Birthday's in a few weeks, though."

"How do you know all of this?"

"It's my job," he replied with a jerky shrug. "I know most there is about the people here."

That had huge potential to be horribly frightening. "So what kind of fruit do you like?" I asked, changing to subject as I walked over to a display sitting in the middle of the produce section. "Apples?"

"Eh."

"Dad, come on. I want to get stuff we'll both eat."

He pursed his lips under that mustache and glanced around. "I don't mind bananas."

"Bananas. Okay," I said slowly. "What else?"

It took me a little while, but I eventually got Charlie to open up and tell me what he liked and didn't like. Most fruit, it turned out, he didn't mind. But he was incredibly picky when it came to vegetables.

"What about these?" I asked, holding up a cucumber. "Like in salads?"

"No."

I huffed in frustration and put it back. "You're driving me crazy here, you know."

"Get what you want. Don't let me stop you."

"But you are," I shot back. "If I want to cook something that I know you don't like, I'll have to make you something else instead. I don't have time for that."

"What am I, a child?"

My face scrunched up. "You know what I mean."

We eventually made it out of the produce department with more than I'd expected, only to fight over the Vitamin R he insisted on filling the cart with when we hit the liquor aisle. I was sure he didn't really drink all that beer himself, and was trying to figure out how much money we'd spent already when he threw yet another one of the cases on the bottom of our cart.

"You do not need that many," I told him, shoving the thing back and grabbing one of the six packs instead.

"What if someone comes over?"

"Then they can BYOB."

"We're not completely broke, Bella," he said firmly. "I still have a little bit left in savings."

My mouth flew open. "How… how did you-?"

"I could see your mouth moving as you added up what we had in our cart so far."

Well, damn. I thought I'd been much more covert than that.

"You're nineteen," he whispered. "Stop worrying so much. It can't be good on that heart of yours."

It probably wasn't. But I had no idea how to _stop _worrying. I'd put both of my parents under huge financial strain with my health issues. It was just one more thing that was listed under the "Bella shouldn't have gotten the transplant" list.

I immediately stopped that thought dead in its tracks. I deserved to be alive. I just had to keep remembering that just because I didn't have the most exciting and productive life didn't make that statement any less true.

I grabbed the case and hefted it back onto the bottom of the cart. "Okay, I get it. Here's your beer," I relented.

I started away from Charlie but turned around when I didn't hear the rolling of the cart's wheels following me. He was still in the same spot talking to a dirty looking older man that looked like he'd just come off the river after an entire day of fishing.

Bet he smelled like it too.

"This is Waylon Forge," Charlie introduced to me as I walked back over to him. "Waylon, this is my daughter, Bella."

He smiled warmly, revealing a row of surprisingly perfect teeth. "Nice to meet you, Bella."

"You too." Oh, God, he smelled like stale liquor and then some. I glanced over at Charlie and knew that he was going to be working to get this man away from the alcohol and back to his house. And it was going to take him awhile.

"I'll just meet you up front." I gave Waylon one last look and amended that, "Or maybe at home."

I took the cart from my dad and got a grateful nod in return. "Here, Bells, take some money to the register."

My dad dug out his wallet and handed me a few twenties. "Thanks."

"You tell me if it's not enough," he instructed sternly.

I smiled. "Got it. See ya."

Money in hand, I turned the corner, going over everything in the cart again to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I was so preoccupied with the mental list I was checking off, I didn't even see anyone coming toward me.

Not until I slammed my cart headfirst into their thighs.

"I'm sorry," I offered in a rush. "Really."

"It's fine," the voice answered tersely.

Edward.

My body instantly reacted, and I twisted my now damp palms on the cart handle before chancing a look at him. He looked pissed, which was something I was quickly learning was normal for him. I hadn't seen him look even so much as relaxed since I'd gotten here. His guard was firmly in place, and I knew that there was no way I was going to get under it. Not today.

"You following me or something?" I asked, trying to make light of the situation, but failing miserably.

His eyes flashed darkly. "You sure like to fucking flatter yourself, don't you?"

_Moody,_ I reminded myself. Jesus, was he ever.

I took that one descriptive word that Rosalie had given me of him today and used it to compose myself. I had no idea how, but when I spoke to him, my voice was calm and somehow didn't shake with the effort it took to keep it that way.

Which was the exact opposite of what I felt. Every cell in my body felt ravaged and deflated, and my heart literally ached, but I didn't know why. He'd been decent to me when I'd had my interview, and now he was treating me like I was shit.

"No," I replied honestly. "It was just a joke. You know… those things you tell people when they want to relieve tension?"

He scoffed.

"Cause, buddy, you have got some serious anxiety issues going."

A crease formed between his brows. "Whatever."

"No, it's not 'whatever'," I mocked, causing his expression to tighten further. "I work for your brother. You don't have to like me—you don't even have to talk to me—but I deserve some fucking respect when you do. Capiche?"

I could have sworn by the startled, pleased look on his face that he was going to smile, but no. He just stood there silently, shifting the flour in his hands and refusing to talk to me anymore.

But he hadn't walked away…

"You bake?" I asked dryly.

"It's for Esme," he muttered. "My… mom." His cheeks flushed with color, ridding me of all my anger. God, he was cute when he was embarrassed.

_Stop it, Bella._

"Just a little tip since I've spent so much time with them: Being a good surgeon means having good people skills. You'd better study up on that, Edward, because yours suck."

His incredible green eyes flashed with curiosity, but I ignored it. I wasn't about to tell him anything in the middle of a grocery store. I started to maneuver the cart around him but froze the moment he started speaking again.

"How do you do that?" he almost whispered. "How do you always manage to… _disarm_ me?

"What?" I murmured, drawn in by his hypnotic gaze. He was abruptly more relaxed and open, and I stared up at him and finally, truly, saw his pain. I started to reach out to him without thinking, but jerked my hand back the moment his body tensed in anticipation.

It was unwelcome.

"Just…" he finally ground out. The wall was back in place again, pushing me away. "Nothing. Forget it."

"I don't know. I just say what's on my mind," I replied sadly, wishing he'd have given me just a little more time before regrouping his defenses.

He snorted. I figured it was as close to a laugh as I was ever going to get and made me even sadder. "Obviously. I'll see you later."

I checked out and glanced back one last time for Charlie before heading out to my truck. I could smell rain in the air again tonight, so I hurriedly unpacked the contents of my cart into my truck cab and squeezed in beside them before the clouds decided to open up on me. I put the keys in the ignition and flicked my wrist, but there was no familiar, vibrating rumble as the engine turned over. I tried again and barely got a cough out of it. Once more, and it was completely silent.

I beat my head against the steering wheel in frustration for a moment. Then, I reached for my phone to call Charlie.

A sharp rap on my window had me jumping in my seat so high that the phone tumbled out of my hands and down to the floorboard. I glanced over and was stunned to find Edward staring back at me.

His eyes were bright with fire and his face was gorgeously contorted with anger as he wrenched my door open. "I don't give a shit about where you came from and how safe you feel in this small town, you don't fucking sit in a dimly lit parking lot with unlocked doors! By yourself! Jesus, Bella. Are you that stupid? Do you want to get raped or something?"

I stared at him in bewildered silence. He was close enough that I could feel his breath ghost across my skin and heat roll off his body, slamming into me and doing the most… wicked of things. His scent circled around me, leaving me lightheaded and drooling as I finally caught that bold, spicy flavor that matched the intensity of the man it belonged to. A hint of the sweet smell of tobacco was underneath it all, and I wanted to close my eyes and just… savor it.

Or maybe huff would've been the more appropriate term. He made me unable to think, breathe… _function_. I wanted to dive headfirst and explore it all, have him teach me everything about what it meant to crave someone like this.

"Well?" he snarled. "Do you?"

"NO!" I shouted, finally getting my wits back about me. "My truck won't start, you asshole!"

He backed up immediately and ran his hands through his already chaotic hair. "I'm going to pop the hood."

I blinked. "What?"

"I'm. Going. To. Pop. The. Hood," he growled.

"Fine," I growled back, jumping out of my truck the second he spun away from me.

I followed him over to the front of the truck and waited as he expertly found the lever and opened the hood. He peered inside, cursing at how low the light was, and then raced over to his own car. The second he spun away from me, Maggie's heart finally kicked up speed as it registered all of the adrenaline pumping through my veins from when Edward had scared me shitless. When I was exercising, it typically didn't bother me because I knew what to expect. This, though… I was beginning to see how much of a nuisance getting used to this heart's reactions would be.

He came back with a flashlight in one hand and a small bag of tools in the other. He motioned for me to get behind the wheel, which I grudgingly agreed to, although, I honestly had no clue why. He was _such_ a jerk. Cute or not.

"My dad's inside," I yelled at him through the hood. "He can take me home and we can just have it towed to the shop tomorrow."

"Shut up and turn the ignition," was the answer I got back.

A quick little punch at the steering wheel and I was able to speak without screaming at the top of my lungs. "All right," I responded, doing as instructed. Nothing.

We repeated the process something like five times before he finally shouted at me to stop.

I sat there and chewed on my lip while he did something else. Suddenly, his head popped over to the side and he waved me over.

"See that?" he asked when I was near. He pointed at something I couldn't see.

I stood up on the bumper and nodded.

"Your battery connections were corroded," he murmured huskily, risking a glance at me. I could barely make out his expression in the darkness, but it was full of apprehension.

I couldn't even begin to fathom why.

"It's normal for an old truck like this, so I tried to clean them a little to see if that would take care of it, but it seems it's more than just that. Your alternator's shot."

"Okay… How much is that going to cost me?" I asked, unconsciously licking my lips.

His eyes darted down to them and lingered. "Nothing. The garage will pick it up."

"No, I can't let you-"

"Employee perk," he interrupted harshly.

I narrowed my eyes. "Really? For everyone?"

"For everyone," he confirmed, seemingly even closer to me.

"Oh."

I could see his hands grip onto the grill as he stared over at me. Heat swelled in the air around us the instant our eyes connected. I felt like I couldn't breathe, as if I would happily drown in whatever magic Edward possessed over me. Like the fool I was, I thought he might kiss me with the way his breathing sped and his mossy eyes darkened as he inched closer and closer to me. Just as I anticipated his touch or the feel of his warm lips melding to mine, he jerked his head back with low, forced grunt.

He yanked his phone out of his pocket and stepped away from me, clearing his throat and rolling his shoulders as he punched in a number with his thumb.

"Jazz, I need you to get the truck," he instructed without so much as a greeting. "Bella's here at the Thriftway with a bad alternator."

He listened for a second before murmuring something I couldn't hear then hanging up.

"Your dad's inside, you said?"

"Uh-huh." I quickly glanced around the parking lot for his cruiser but saw it nowhere. "Maybe not. He had some drunken guy to take care of. That's why I went ahead and came out alone. He might've already left…"

"Fuck," he muttered. "Okay, let's get your shit in my car. I'll take you home."

"I can wait-"

"Jasper will be a while," he said, cutting me off again.

"You could at least let me finish a sentence," I snapped. "That's the second time you've interrupted me."

He didn't answer. He simply pushed past me and started retrieving grocery bags out of the cab.

I followed his lead until we had all of my belongings and purchases in his trunk and I was sitting in the passenger seat of his Volvo, my journal sitting awkwardly in my lap like the giant pink elephant it was. The car's black leather was buttery against the back of my arms and smelled like heaven; a mix between Edward's glorious scent and that new car smell people did everything possible to keep.

"Buckle up," he barked as he slid into the driver's seat.

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, exaggeratedly doing as I was told.

He glared at me and started the car.

The quiet sound of classical music filtered through the speakers, and I couldn't stop my head from whipping in Edward's direction as he shifted the car in reverse.

"What?" he demanded.

"I thought you were more a 'heavy metal-slash-rock-with-a-little-bit-of-alternative-splashed-in-there' kind of guy," I admitted.

"I like music. All music." He gave me a cursory look before elaborating. "Classical keeps my… road rage down."

I filed that away for future reference. It could come in handy one day. "I see. Does it keep you from committing major traffic violations, too?" I asked, grabbing for the armrest on the door. "Because you're a really scary driver."

"I am not," he argued indignantly.

"Um, yes, you are. What are we going, like eighty in a thirty?" I swallowed hard. "I have put way too much effort into living to die at your hands. Slow the hell down."

He looked a little stricken by my comment, but grumbled obscenities and obeyed. "Happy?"

"It's better." I released my grip on the armrest and flexed my hand. "How exactly do you know where I live?"

"Everyone knows where the chief lives," he retorted almost defensively.

"Mmm," I agreed, "I suppose they do. Goody for me."

He didn't bother saying anything back. Yet again.

The atmosphere was charged and heavy as we drove the rest of the way to Charlie's house. I throbbed; I squirmed the entire ride, thankful for once that Forks was so small. I wanted him to touch me, to pull over on the side of the road and take me however he pleased. It seemed like every second we were alone together, it just got harder and harder to stay away from him.

I was in big trouble.

A strange sound abruptly came out of the back of his throat. It almost sounded like he was choking.

"You okay, there?" I asked, crossing my arms and scooting further away from him. It was the exact opposite of what my body wanted to do, but being so close to Edward was making me hot, and breathless, and all sorts of things I was still wholly unready for.

_Don't forget that he doesn't know you huge secret, either, Bella._

Yeah. Definitely not ready.

"Great," he managed, gripping the steering wheel harder.

"Good," I breathed.

The second he parked the car I unbuckled my seatbelt and bolted out of the door. I ran for the house, intent on unlocking the door so I could race back and bring everything inside in as few trips as possible, but wound up tripping on a tree root buried in the thick green grass of the yard.

I sprawled out on the damp grass and just… laughed. There was nothing else to do but just laugh at how absurd this whole night was: Awkward shopping with my father followed by awkward run in with donor's brother. Truck not starting. And last, but certainly not least, sexually charged car ride home with said awkward run-in at the Thriftway.

I couldn't have made this shit up if I'd tried.

"What the fuck was that?" Edward asked with a sneer, carting bags around his arms.

"Tree root," I gasped between giggles. "Clumsy."

"No shit. Get the door open for me. I got all of it but the beer."

That sobered me up, no pun intended. "Thanks."

He strained to point toward the door.

"I said _thanks_," I said as I stood and dusted myself off. Not that it helped. "The appropriate response is 'you're welcome'."

"I know."

"Then say it," I challenged.

"Why?"

"Because you're not a complete douche bag?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

"Was that so hard?" I asked over my shoulder as I started back toward the house.

"Nope."

"Then _why_ are you so rude?" I realized after I spoke that I was repeating myself. I'd told him he was rude once already.

"Just part of my charm."

I opened the door and let him inside. "It's not charming. At all. So you should stop."

"I'll keep that in mind," he said wryly, setting everything down on the counter and disentangling his arms from the bags.

He stood there and stared at me, pinning me with that same hard look that he had in the garage that first night I'd spent in Forks. Only this time, something lingered underneath. It was the fire of desire, it was an innate curiosity; it was the determination not to act on either of those emotions. He was, without a doubt, a paradox to me.

All at once, the connection was broke. He drew in a breath and looked like he was about to pull his hair right out of his head as he dragged his hands through it. He glanced around the room, moving slowly away from me until he slammed into the cheery yellow cabinets and uttered a sound of pain as the corner of the countertop dug into his hip.

"Right." His voice was thick and raspy. Delicious. "Okay, I'll put the beer on the stoop before I go. Later."

Surely I hadn't heard that right. Leave it on my front stoop? Who did that?

"_What_?"

Nothing. Not one word in response. He simply darted out of the room, leaving me absolutely speechless from his erratic behavior. The door slammed behind him as he fled, causing me to flinch a little. At that moment, I finally knew what rejection felt like. How it burned through your body and ate away at what little confidence you might have had, and how tears pricked your eyes and a lump formed in your throat because of it. It was one of the worst feelings I'd ever known, and I had to force myself to focus on something else before I burst into tears.

When I was calmer, I glanced around at the empty room and fell into the nearby chair, not knowing what else to do. The compulsion to write was strong and I clutched the journal tightly in my hands, knowing that I'd feverishly recount everything that had happened tonight in order to try to find some perspective. Only I knew, realistically, that I'd never be able to supply a reason for anything that involved Edward on my own.

If I wanted to understand even the littlest thing about him, I'd have to hear it straight from the mouth of the lion himself.

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><p><strong>This fic was featured on a new blog, The Newbie Reviews, recently. So a huge thank you to them again! It was such a nice surprise!<strong>

**www(dot) fanficnewbies (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Early (err, earlier than planned) update because I just got the chapter back and don't know how to wait to do anything. *sigh***

**So... Can I just say how incredibly blown away I am by the response these two are getting? Thank you so much for all the reviews and interest in it!**

**Huge thanks to Stratan for the beta work. Flove him :)**

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

**Edward**

I launched my beer bottle into the black night sky and waited for the satisfying smashing of glass as it landed on the Sol Doc riverbank. The satisfaction never came when the sound finally reached my ears, so I reached for another beer and popped open the top. I was determined to drown my sorrows in a sea of alcohol—even though I knew I probably shouldn't open up _that _fucking can of worms—like nearly every other person on this planet. Something mundane and normal was what I needed right now, when I was swimming in my abnormality and dredging up my past.

I couldn't even handle being alone with Bella without wanting to rip her clothes off her body and just… _fuck her_, if I was being totally honest with myself. Being closed in with her like that was stupid. So goddamned stupid, given how totally wrong I was for her. I was fairly positive my fuck up went to a molecular level. I mean, how could it not, given my heritage? My DNA… My DNA was warped, at best. That was all there was to it.

But if being alone with her tonight did anything positive, it made me realize that I couldn't put myself in that kind of position again. Watching her squirm and chew on her lower lip the entire car ride, seeing her skin illuminated by the streetlamps as we passed under them nearly broke me.

So I'd run. No explanation, no warning. Just dropped the beer she'd bought for Chief Swan on the concrete stoop and left as quickly as my feet and car would let me.

I was such a fucking coward.

I scrubbed my face with my free hand and plopped down on the wet grass. I'd let her crawl under my skin already. A week of knowing she simply existed, and I was already beginning to feel a shift within me. An aching, a longing, that just wouldn't go away no matter how hard I pushed at it or how destructive I was with her. Because the destruction never lasted. I always found myself trying to get back into her good graces again. Like I couldn't keep her from hating me and staying clear from me. It was a constant battle between this sudden desire I had to attempt the norm and the knowledge that I was destined to be alone.

And it was all over the chief's daughter, someone who likely knew every facet of my past and present. Hell, the man might even know my future; he was that intuitive. He probably hated me for all the things I'd done back in Chicago when I'd been trying to survive. There was no way he would let me be with his daughter, even if there was some way I could.

"Christ, you're even more fucked up than you thought," I muttered, taking a deep pull from my beer and swallowing hard. Pining over a girl I could never have…

Nor wanted, I reminded myself firmly. I didn't want it at all.

"Why do you think you're fucked up now?" Jasper asked, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.

"Who does that?" I groaned, settling back into my spot. "Who fucking sneaks up on someone when it's pitch dark and scares the hell out of them like that?"

"Me," he laughed, sitting beside me. "Care to share?"

"They're mine," I growled. "Go back up to the house and get your own."

He snatched a beer out of the case anyway and twisted off the cap. "A whole case," he mused, staring down at the barely visible label. "You must've done something pretty bad."

"Not exactly."

His eyes snapped up to mine. "No?"

"No."

"Then what?"

I didn't answer.

"Ah, okay, you're going to give me the silent treatment." He paused dramatically. "Edward, I'm so, so sorry for walking in my own backyard and scaring you. Will you tell me what crawled up your ass now?'

"Fuck off," I retorted.

"Well, I tried." He took a drink of his beer and made a face. "I never liked this stuff."

I tried to snatch the beer out of his hand, but he managed to be faster than me and held onto it. "Then why steal it?"

He shrugged. "Just to annoy you."

"Consider it done."

"You're in a pissier mood than usual." He laughed to himself for a few seconds before going silent. He fidgeted with his bottle, working at the corner of the label until he'd peeled it off, and then ran his thumb over it absently as he stared up at the sky.

"I miss the stars," he said quietly. "I think that's really the only thing I miss about Texas. We hardly ever see them here."

"I miss the heat of the sun in the summer, but what are you gonna do?"

He chuckled. "Live in Hawaii or something, I guess? The Texas heat is shit."

"Nah. This is… home."

"Yeah," he whispered. "They gave us that didn't they?"

"You had a home." It was better than what mine had been by a long shot. His, at least, had been clean.

"Not like this one." He gave me a level look. "Nothing in my old life could compare to this. Not even on my worst day as a Cullen. My father was a PTSD-suffering wife beater and a drunk, and my mother didn't give a shit enough about me _or_ herself to get the fuck out. Or get him help. So I got the pleasure of watching them both destroy each other."

I didn't look at him. I couldn't. It was the first time he'd really talked to me about his life before the Cullens, and the agonizing way he did so reflected a little too closely in all my own history for comfort.

"I mean, you think I'd have been able to go into that warehouse if I had actual _parents_," he said the word with disdain, "because if I'd have lived here, Esme would have caught and then _beat _my ass for sneaking out. But not Janet Whitlock. Oh, no. She didn't even bother to look up from the goddamned TV when I opened the door. She should have just lit the match herself."

The details were sketchy; neither he nor our parents would ever tell the entire story. Jasper tended to talk about the events leading up to the fire and nothing more, and my parents firmly respected his need for privacy. But I had pieced together enough of happened that night to know that what was originally intended to be a prank by a group of snotty rich kids had quickly spiraled out of control. The kids had fled the scene and Jasper was left to burn. After deciding to adopt Jasper, Esme had sued everyone involved, including the multi-million dollar corporation that had left that old warehouse to rot. Because in my mother's mind, and apparently the Texas judge presiding over their case, turning off every security camera and alarm since they were such cheap bastards was just as negligent as the Whitlocks had been. They all sealed my brother's fate in one way or another.

The conversation was really getting too fucking heavy for me, so I quickly, and not so smoothly, changed the subject. "Get Bella's truck to the shop?"

"Yeah," he murmured, still lost in thought. "Emmett's heading down there now to work on it."

I fumbled to pull my cell phone out of my pocket to check the time. "At nine at night?"

"He wanted to make sure it was ready for her tomorrow before her lunch break in case she wanted to go pick up something to eat. You know how he is."

I cursed and dragged my hand through my hair as I stood up. I swayed a little and glared down at the beers. I was half lit already. "Take me there? I uh, I can't-"

He held up a hand to stop my rambling. I pitched both beers into the river—with a little bit of a guilty conscience afterward because hell, I was wasting good beer—and bent down to pick up the case before silently following him the long way back up to the house.

I studied it as we approached, thinking of how different is was from the run down apartment buildings and roach-infested motels I lived in for the most part of my childhood. The house was huge, modern, and completely out of place in the middle of the woods like this. But it was what Esme wanted. She wanted light, air, and space to counteract how claustrophobic the dense, dark forests around us could sometimes make you feel. Each of the three floors was made of mostly glass, and every room—with the exception of our bedrooms—was painted a creamy white. Walls were only placed in the most necessary of places, and the ceilings were tall and vaulted, probably costing our parents an absolute fortune in gas and electric.

Not that it mattered to them, though. I'd never once seen Carlisle or Esme Cullen worry about money, something that had been completely confounding when I first came to live with them. I couldn't understand how one _didn't _worry about it. It had been the bane of my existence since I could remember—still was, actually. But after a few months of being a Cullen, I'd figured it out. Esme had sold her Seattle architectural firm just after she and Carlisle had adopted Jasper, wanting to be able to dedicate as much time to him as humanly possible. They'd taken the profits from their Seattle condo and the firm and built a life for us here in Forks.

Jasper was the first. Had Carlisle and Esme not been in Dallas for a conference and found him lying in that hospital bed when they did, causing the domino effect that it did, Emmett and I might have never have escaped our prisons. We'd have likely died there.

Fate was a tricky, tricky thing.

"Hey, you okay there?" Jasper asked, glancing over at me with a puzzled look.

I cleared my throat. "I'm drunk as shit. So yeah, I'm good."

He took the case of beer from me and nodded over to the black Ford sitting just to our left. "Get in. I'll put this back in the fridge."

I silently did as I was told and sat in the passenger's seat of my brother's brand new pickup. Money was something Jasper didn't need to worry about either. Not since his accident.

But having all that cash at his disposal did nothing to change him, and it was just quite possible that he was more generous because of it. He'd given Emmett every cent needed to start his garage and never asked for nor expected anything in return. Of course, this was unacceptable to Emmett, so he'd made Jasper a silent partner in the company, giving him a share of the profits as a sort of payback for the ability to start his business.

It tended to make me feel like the bad seed of the family. The entire Cullen family was selfless, excluding me. My life revolved around myself. It always had because of necessity. I didn't know how to pretend otherwise.

The ride to the garage seemed short, thanks to Jasper's willingness to let me choose the music we listened to on the way there. Not that driving the distance really took that long to begin with. We all tended to speed a little.

I blamed Carlisle. He was the one, after all, who taught each of his sons how to drive.

I followed Jasper into the garage. My eyes fell to the dark office at the far side of the building—where Bella spent most of her time—and I knew that the damn thing probably still smelled like her. Like flowers just after the rain.

I was staying as far away from that office as humanly possible tonight or else I might just find myself in Bella's front yard holding a boombox over my head like Lloyd Dobler. Because fuck if I didn't have the words either.

I nearly groaned at that. Waxing poetic over a girl's perfume—through music or otherwise—was not okay. I refused to be _that guy_.

Emmett's head snapped up from Bella's engine as soon as he heard us approach. "Hey," he grunted, working to loosen the alternator. "Who built this engine?"

"Uh…" Jasper glanced over at me.

"Why the hell would I know?" I snapped, realizing that Emmett was starting back at me too. "I don't know anything about her. Jasper's talked to her more than I have. Ask him."

Jasper seemed to suddenly find the tools in the box on his left incredibly fascinating.

"Yeah, but…" Emmett trailed off awkwardly as he glanced between the two of us. "Well, it's totally stock. Whoever it was put in a lot of fucking time searching for parts."

I'd noticed that too, but had been a little preoccupied by Bella's mouth to really focus on it earlier. The way her tongue snuck out to wet her lips, the way they parted just slightly as my body was instinctively drawn to hers… Her breathing had been shaky; her body was still with anticipation... or rigid with disgust. I didn't know which. So what had I done?

Freaked the fuck out.

"Did she happen to mention anything about it, Jazz?" Emmett continued, staring back down into the engine again.

Jasper shook his head forcefully then realized Emmett wasn't paying attention to see it. "No. We didn't talk about that. I'll go and um, grab another alternator out of the parts room," he said as he shoved his hands into his pockets and practically ran away.

Strange.

As soon as Jasper was out of sight, Emmett spoke again.

"She's really pretty, huh?" Emmett said casually, grinning triumphantly as he hefted the thing out of the truck.

I bristled. For no good reason that I could think of. "Excuse me?"

"Rosie said she'll be a nice buffer between us and the pissed off customers, not that we have many. Just the douche bag city guys that expect me to have Mercedes parts on hand. She's polite, witty, easy on the eyes…"

"Just stop right there," I barked, stomping over to him and snatching the alternator out of his hand. "No one is looking at her, much less thinking about her, so long as..."

Emmett's brows shot up just before a slow, 'gotcha' smile graced his lips.

"I mean, she's an employee," I backtracked. My face grew flushed as the words left my mouth. "You stupid fucker. You know what I mean."

The smile was still there. I wanted to punch it off his face. "I think I definitely do. You don't think I've seen the way you two steal glances at each other?"

"She doesn't steal glances at me," I argued, not bothering to deny my part in that. He'd just ride my ass about it if I did.

"Wanna bet?"

I huffed. "You didn't talk about the last chick that worked in the office like that."

"Dude. She looked like she'd been hit with the proverbial ugly stick. Multiple times. That's why."

She really had. I suppressed a shudder.

"Stop trying to change the subject," he laughed.

"I'm not."

"You are, but whatever. Ask her out or something."

"Isn't employee fraternization against company policy?" I asked, pacing around. Emmett wasn't known to be very observant, so his notice meant that I was doing a real bang up job at hiding what this girl was doing to me.

"You're not technically an employee."

I bit down on the inside of my cheek so I didn't say something I'd regret later. My temper was beginning to get the best of me, directed mostly toward myself for being so ridiculously into some… some… _teenager._

"Just try," he said calmly. "You won't know unless you try."

"She's too young," I finally ground out.

"She's three years younger than you," he countered.

"I can't… I just… I'm not…" I stammered.

"Ed." His blue eyes held mine in understanding. "I get it. I really do. Believe me, when I first met Rose I was torn up like you were. I'm just some kid from the shit part of LA, you know? And there she was… this… Anyway, it's worth it. If you can just get past it all, it's worth it."

"How can something I can't even picture be worth it?" I asked incredulously.

He shrugged and took the alternator back out of my hands to be scrapped. "One of these days you will, bro. You can deny it all you want, but you really weren't wired to be alone."

I just stared at him blankly, making him laugh.

"Believe it or not, I can be a serious fuck when need be. Anyway, want to work on her yourself? I can take Jazz home and you can drive his truck back when you're done."

I was still reeling from his earlier comment, so cognizance wasn't exactly my strong point at that very second. "The truck?"

More laughter. "Yes, the truck. She's _your_ girl."

"She's not my fucking girl," I hissed, pushing past him to get to Bella's truck.

"And yet you can't wait to do something for her," he murmured. "Yep, totally not your girl at all."

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><p>I arrived at the garage early, looking over Bella's truck on my way by. I'd had the bright idea to detail the shit out of it after I'd exchanged the bum alternator for a new one, chalking it up to wasting time before I went home. It'd been a distraction, I suppose, from going home and examining my pitiful life some more. Emmett's words had replayed themselves over and over in my mind, even though I kept refuting them. My reasons still stood. Emmett might have known me well, but he didn't know everything.<p>

No one did.

If that truck hadn't been in such need of some serious bodywork, it would have sparkled. As it was, it was just a cleaned up, rusted version of the sandy, grimy truck that had originally driven to Forks recently.

I idly wondered if she'd let me do the bodywork for her. I needed something to busy myself with; Bella's truck was in desperate need of attention. It was a win-win situation.

Or at least, it was, until my thoughts started veering off into lecherous territory, and I was doing the bodywork _on_ her rather than _for_ her.

Furious with myself, I grabbed the closest thing—ironically enough, an auto body saw—and threw it across the room with a curse. I knew it wouldn't make me feel any better, and it didn't, really, but I'd done it anyway. I always did shit like that, though it was inexplicable why I ever felt the need to. It wasn't like I enjoyed destroying things or was sadistic and violent, on my way to being some mass murderer, to begin with. I was just at a loss at how to release any pent up frustration. I refused to burden anyone with my bullshit, I was no longer in therapy, and it wasn't like sex was in the picture for me…

"You're paying for that," Rosalie said from behind me.

I glared at her as she passed by. "Yeah. I know."

"Just making sure..."

I flipped her off.

For some reason, I was extremely nervous to see Bella's reaction to her truck. I spent the entire morning impatiently waiting for her to walk through the door. My heart just… wouldn't stop leaping up into my throat, and my palms were annoyingly damp, making it hard to not only focus on my work, but keep a hold of any tools I happened to need to do the damned job. I ended up relying on Sam to help me out, which in turn pulled him away from his own projects.

And that was a little infuriating, to be this helpless.

"I need you to um," I ran my hand over the back of my neck and then pointed to the radiator on the Jeep I was currently working on, "to… Oh, for God's sake, this is ridiculous. I can't even get the fucking screen out of the car."

Sam grinned, further darkening my mood. "I've got it."

He reached inside the hood and did exactly what my sweating palms wouldn't let me, which managed to piss me off even more.

I nearly pushed Sam out of my way to reach inside the cowl. I felt around the seal and noticed a hole at the top. "Needs a replacement."

"We have that in the back?"

"Should."

I worked on removing the seal while Sam went back to the parts room and retrieved a new one, glancing around for Bella the entire time.

"God damn it," I muttered.

I needed a fucking cigarette, a long jog through the woods, _anything_ to calm me down, actually. But I couldn't force myself to walk out the door. As much as I tried to convince myself that it was any reason I could think of, and not this one specific thing, I knew it was all bullshit. The_ only_ reason my feet stayed firmly planted where they were was because I didn't want to miss seeing her when she came in.

I should have been relaxed, thankful, when she wasn't around because there was no temptation to try to thwart. Only instead, I spent every waking hour thinking about her, whether she was in my line of vision or not. I couldn't understand it. Nor did I want to. I just wanted her to go back where she came from and leave me to my miserable existence. At least I'd made peace with my shitty life before she'd come to Forks. Hope was never originally in my vocabulary. When you come from my world, hope only managed to find a way to kill you. Now… now I knew that it was partly hope that I was feeling. Some idiot piece of me hoped that being a lonely doctor for the rest of my days wasn't all there was left for me; that maybe there was more, though I still couldn't see how. That seed of hope did nothing to change the facts. It simply worked to drive me insane.

Sam came back with the new seal, and we went to work putting the radiator back together. The same question kept bubbling up on my tongue the entire time we were working, but I couldn't even begin to tell you why I thought Sam would have the answer. So I kept shoving it down until finally, when I was so frustrated that I could barely function, I blurted it out.

"Who restored Bella Swan's truck?"

Sam turned his black eyes toward me warily. "Jacob Black."

I nodded, thinking my curiosity would be sated.

Only it wasn't.

"Who's Jacob Black?"

Sam burst out in laughter, shocking the hell out of me. It was the loudest sound I'd ever heard from him.

"Why?"

"Why not? That truck is a beauty. Can't I know who put all that time into her?" I asked, feigning nonchalance. Inside I was dying, though, but it was different than my usual, fucked up way. It was killing me to know nothing about Bella Swan. Hypocritical, given how secretive I was about myself, but there it was.

"Yeah, I guess," he said on a shrug. "Billy Black is the chief's best friend. Jacob's his son. Jake and his dad started on her as a project before the accident."

I stared at him stupidly.

"I forget you're not a native," he sighed.

_Because I fit right the fuck in,_ I thought sarcastically.

"Billy's in a wheelchair," he said in explanation. It didn't explain shit, and I found myself clenching my teeth together so I didn't say that little fact out loud. "Jake finished the truck, thinking he'd be driving it when he got his license. Only they needed the money for some bills, so the chief bought it from them."

I didn't know why, but I was insanely jealous of this Jacob Black character. Possibly because he had history with Bella, and all I had was… nothing. Nothing at all, which was exactly what I'd wanted all along—to keep her at a distance. For her own good.

So why did that make my chest feel as though it suddenly weighed a ton?

"Does she um… does she know Jacob?" I focused on my shoes so that I didn't give my intentions away. They were as black as my heart; I had no business having intentions of any kind when it came to Bella.

"She probably played with him as a kid, but I don't think she'd remember it. She stopped coming to Forks after…"

He trailed off the second the door opened. I desperately wanted to know what it was that kept her from coming back, but I couldn't force the words out. It seemed wrong to hear about Bella's past from anyone else but her.

Which was just as well since Bella was the one walking through the door. She breezed in with a smile and a little red dress on. I grunted against the sudden demand to close the distance between us and let my hands play over the ivory flesh exposed to me, causing Sam to glance up questioningly. Chief Swan was hot on her heels, scanning the room for both her truck and Emmett, and purposefully striding through the garage as soon as he spotted them both. He shot me a hard look of warning the second he walked past, like he already knew all the lascivious thoughts I'd been having about his daughter these last few days.

Great. Just what I needed.

I glanced back over toward Bella and found her staring at me. The second her eyes landed on mine, her smile wavered and a hot blush crept up into her cheeks. She pulled at the neckline of her dress, finally revealing a hint of the scar—pink and puckered and still so fresh—that Rosalie had told me about. Damn it. That need to know all about her, what she'd been through and if she was healthy, came hurtling back at me again. I needed to know if the reason she'd been cut open was cured or if it was chronic and something she would be forced to live with for the rest of her life.

I just had a sinking feeling it was the latter.

"There's the Liberty Bell!" Emmett shouted, waving Bella over and snapping her out of whatever thoughts she'd been having. "Check it out! You're all set!"

Her brow knit together for a split second before she smiled warmly at him. "Liberty Bell? Did you give me a nickname or something?"

"Well…" He glanced over at me, and then shook his head as he caught my baffled expression. It was the first I'd heard of liberty anything. "Never mind."

"Come on," she pleaded adorably. _Fuck me._ "Tell me. Please?"

"Your voice is like bells. It's pretty. That's all," he said lamely.

"Well, thank you, but why not just call me 'Bell', or 'Bells' like everyone else does?" she asked confusedly.

"Uh… They call you that?"

"Emmett. What's the Liberty Bell reference for?"

"It was the first bell that came to mind." The liar cleared his throat and went to greet Chief Swan. Bella looked extremely disappointed, but let it go. I, on the other hand, wasn't going to. I'd pry it out of him eventually. "How are you, sir?"

"I'm fine. Care to tell me what the damage is?" he responded.

"No damage."

Chief Swan's eyes practically popped out of his skull. "What?"

"Employee perk. I can't afford to give them very good health benefits being a small business and all, but I can at least give them this." He jerked his shoulders in embarrassment.

"That's very kind of you," Chief Swan stated. "I bought this truck off Billy a few years ago and never really expected it to fail on Bella. It's solid."

Emmett nodded. I kind of maneuvered myself a little closer to the conversation.

"We were just talking about that, actually," Sam chimed in softly.

I glared over in his direction. What. The. Fuck.

"You were?" Bella gasped, her eyes flickering over to me. Was that… _hope_ I saw there?

Always with the hope today.

Sam looked even more uncertain of himself now that I was watching him, but stayed focused on Chief Swan. "I don't talk to Jacob much, but I can remember all the work he put into her. He thought he'd get to have her."

"The truck?" I asked between my teeth, needing the clarification that it was not Bella that some Quileute guy thought he'd get when it was all said and done and just the vehicle.

"Uh-huh. But after the accident… Well, I knew he sold it to you, but I wasn't sure what happened to it after that. I just assumed you'd sold it to someone else to pay for…"

I could have sworn I'd just witnessed Sam blush for the first time.

"Sorry, I wasn't supposed to say I knew."

"It's fine," Chief Swan answered smoothly. "I gave it to Bella to drive when she got her license."

Fuck, I wanted them to keep talking, to find out what the hell had happened to her, from the lips of the angel herself. Instead, Chief Swan gave Bella a strange look and changed the subject.

Bella fiddled with her nails.

"Got any paperwork you need me to sign?" he asked Emmett.

"That'd be your daughter's area of expertise."

Bella snorted. How was it that I found that adorable too?

"I'd hardly consider myself an expert, Em. I'm nineteen, for God's sake. I just managed to get this job because you were desperate."

"Still. Your domain for now. Not mine."

"Until I head off to school, right?" she asked with a smirk.

"New rule: no talking about you leaving me to deal with all that paperwork again in August. So scurry off and do your job now."

She shook her head, her lips twitching with a smile. "Fine. Dad, follow me. I'll get you a receipt."

I watched them walk over to the office together, struggling not to glance at her amazing ass the entire way, before I forced myself to focus back on the Jeep in front of me. And not some girl that I couldn't have. Or who wouldn't have me.

Either way, it was the same. I needed to simply work on what was attainable. Not what wasn't.

I sent Sam back over to his own job as I began putting the Jeep back together. I was so engrossed on what I was doing that I hadn't heard the telltale footsteps of anyone approaching me. I didn't realize I was no longer alone until I felt her. My whole being seemed to just light up when she was near.

It scared the shit out of me.

I slowly looked over to see her biting her lip nervously. She shifted on her feet a couple of times and then spoke.

"Don't think I didn't notice," she said cryptically. "It was the first thing I saw when I got here."

"What's that?" I croaked, hanging on to the side of the Jeep for dear life.

"How clean the truck is. I drove it all the way from Phoenix-"

"Wait, you drove from fucking Phoenix?" I asked in disbelief. "Why?"

"Why not?"

"Why didn't you just take a plane?"

"Because I moved here," she answered simply.

"Yeah, but…" I stopped myself before I could give away how much I wanted to learn everything about her.

She read my like an open book. "I just needed the time away. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah."

"Anyway, Emmett told me it was your idea," she told me. "So thank you."

"Sure."

She lingered beside me for a little while longer, watching me tighten bolts and check the hoses. Normally, this would have bothered me. I despised people staring at me. But with Bella… it felt okay. Not exactly comfortable, but that was because of my issues. Not her.

Never her.

"Why'd you run?" she eventually whispered. "Last night. Why'd you run?"

My grip on the ratchet faltered, and it spiraled through the twists and turns of the engine and all of its components before finally hitting the floor with an echoing clank.

"You scare me," I answered lowly, reiterating the very thing I'd been thinking.

Her brow furrowed. "I do?"

"More than you could possibly imagine," I said dryly. "For reasons you couldn't imagine."

"If you had any idea what I've been through, you might disagree with that statement," she protested.

"So you think your baggage can come anywhere close to matching mine?"

She exhaled sharply. "No. But I think I could understand you more than you want me to. And more than anyone else ever could."

I didn't have an answer to that. I ached to tell her that she was probably right, but obstinacy kept me from it. It was my secret to bear. No one else's.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, you scare me too. Not because I'm physically scared of you, but because…" She chewed on her lip and stared back toward her office. "I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing here."

I got the distinct impression those words went deeper than she was letting on.

I turned slowly to face her and saw exactly how scared she was as she stared back at me. She looked to be nearly as terrified as I'd felt all morning long, and I hated that. A part of me knew it was for the best. I needed to embrace the fact that I'd managed to frighten her with my odd behavior, but I couldn't. Seeing her usually sunny disposition gone because of me caused yet another emotion to bob up to the surface. Something I couldn't really identify.

"So I'll see you later. I've got to get to work now."

My breathing was shaky, so I could only nod in response. She hurried back to her office and shut the door, immediately disappearing behind it.

I didn't see her again for the rest of the week.

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><p><strong>OK, more thanks below:<strong>

**PAWsPeaches made an amazing banner for Dear Maggie. One version is red (on The Lemonade Stand's tumblr) and the other is black (on the sidebar on my blog - jenny0719 dot blogspot dot com). Either way, they rock ;)**

**The Lemonade Stand really pushed this fic last week. It was featured on the TLS Nursery since it's a newbie and the original oneshot was featured on their Lemon Drops page. So THANK YOU SFM for that! www (dot) tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com**

**WYWG readers: There's a huge section of ch 16 with SBD right now, and I'll finish it up as soon as I've been given the go-ahead. I'm second guessing myself left and right. Again. Sorries.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for all the recent buzz over this fic and all the reviews so far! Thankies to Stratan for the beta work.**

** I think some people will probably want to shoot me for the lack of E/B-ness in this chapter, but I swear, chapters 6, 7, & 8 make up for it.  
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><p>Chapter 5<p>

**Bella**

**3 months ago**

I wasn't sure how long I sat in my truck and stared at the immaculate, red brick ranch perched on top of the hill in front of me. The drive from Phoenix to Amarillo had been a blur, which I had spontaneously decided to make the second I found out how close Maggie's parents actually were to me. I was just starting to get back to my life again and was achy all over from my most recent session in the gym, but I'd pushed through it and come anyway. I had to, even though I knew this trip was probably a mistake. I needed to meet the couple that lost their daughter and chose to honor her wishes by donating her organs. I needed tangible evidence to show that her life had mattered and see that their reaction to my existence meant that I wasn't just a waste of space. I needed something to prove to me that fate had chosen me for a reason, even if I left this town still not knowing the whys.

I just needed some sense of purpose again.

I couldn't pinpoint when exactly all this self-doubt started to appear. It seemed like one day shortly after the transplant something inside me shifted. Maybe it was because I was feeling more like myself again. Strange, considering I was missing a vital piece of the anatomy I'd originally been born with now, but I'd stopped being me the day my condition finally made itself known. From the second I blacked out and collapsed on the gymnasium floor, everything I was before was tossed away. The focus was no longer on inconsequential things like bad hair days, zits and boys. It was on surviving.

Funny how trying to stay alive made you feel as if you were already dead.

I'd resigned myself to die the day they put me on the transplant list, though I'd never really stopped fighting to live; I was stubborn that way. I was simply pragmatic about the whole situation. By being at such an advanced state when I finally learned what hypertrophic cardiomyopathy was, the odds were stacked high against me. I'd been mostly asymptomatic all my life. When symptoms finally started to appear, I was misdiagnosed with everything from athletically induced asthma to anxiety attacks, though I'd vehemently refused to believe that one, and all were cloaking the real reason why I was so clumsy. My heart was slowly failing on me. Every fall, every strange dizzy spell had been an ignored cry for help, so I was never really sure I'd make it long enough to get to the top of that list.

Acceptance was key. I didn't want to be afraid if I did, in fact, die before I was matched with a donor.

I wanted to be ready.

I tried to stay positive, though. If not for me, then at least for my parents. I tried to keep focused on school so that I'd actually have a future if I ever made it back out into the real world. The day I got Maggie's heart, I honestly believed that I'd wake up from the surgery, do my time healing, and then walk out a new person. I never thought that all the residual issues from my previous life would be able to take root and bloom. It'd taken me a long time to reconcile this new life with my old, countless therapy sessions, and even then, I always got hung up on one part.

Maggie.

Every day, I thought about the girl whose heart now beat in my chest. Every day, I wondered what had happened to her. Every day, I wondered what she looked like and how her family was coping. Until one day, I finally understood that I wouldn't be satisfied until I _knew_ her, as well as anyone could know the deceased, that is.

I sighed when I heard the phone ring on the seat next to me. I didn't even have to look at it to know who it was. Only one person would be calling me right now; everyone else knew exactly what I was doing and where I was.

I didn't bother answering it. I was sure I'd catch hell for it when I got back to Phoenix, but placating my mother's need to fawn over me was not high on my list of priorities.

I still needed to force myself to the door.

I was starting to look like a creeper, so I stiffly made my way out of my truck and toward the house. I clutched the file folder in my hand, knowing it was the only proof I had to support my claim. I was going to look like a raving lunatic no matter how I spun it, but at least I knew I wouldn't be hauled off to the local county jail cell before I could say my piece.

God, I was terrified. I could barely raise my hand up enough to knock on the solid oak door. I was on the brink of discovering everything I'd longed to find, but had this sudden urge to turn around and head back the way I came. I had no idea how these people would react or if finding out about Maggie's life would make things even harder for me. Once heard, I could never undo the knowledge.

Maybe now I'd finally know what an anxiety attack _truly_ felt like.

The door opened, and an older woman with beautiful, ivory skin and glossy black hair welcomed me with a smile. Recognition flashed in her deep blue eyes; her smile faltered and her brows knit. With a blink, her eyes welled with tears just as a mangled sob came bursting out of my chest. She knew who I was without a single word being said between us. I didn't care how or why, because it only showed that I wasn't insane. That I was _supposed_ to have come.

"I'm so sorry," I cried. "So, so sorry."

She shook her head and wiped at her eyes, her hand shaking visibly as she did. "There's nothing to be sorry for, sweetie. Seeing you here on my porch would have made her happier than you can imagine."

This only made me sob harder. My free hand came up to cover my mouth, like it could stifle the horrifying sounds I was making. With every scenario I'd pictured on the drive here, I never imagined I'd have such an intense, emotional reaction when I saw Mrs. Carr for the first time.

She patiently gave me a few moments to compose myself. When she was sure I wasn't going to break down again, she stared down at the file I was holding in my hand and deduced, "I take it you know my name."

I nodded. "Siobhan Carr. Your husband's name is Liam."

"That's right." She smiled sadly. "You're Isabella Swan."

"Bella," I sniffled and hiccupped softly, "I go by Bella."

"You want to know about Maggie?"

"Yes. Please," I whispered.

The smile widened slightly. "Well, come in, Bella Swan. I've got plenty of things to tell you about our girl."

xxxxx

**Present Day**

My laptop chimed from the desk in the corner, alerting me to a new email. I decided to get up and stop wasting my entire Saturday morning reminiscing like I was, but as I sat the journal down on my bed, the pages flipped back to the entry I'd written that day and caused emotions to crash over me and practically suffocate me. That entry… It was the first time I'd ever written in this journal. I'd left their house, stopped at the store just up the road, and unthinkingly pulled the first one I saw off the shelf. After I bought it, I sat in the parking lot and jotted it all down, not wanting to forget a single moment of that day, or everything I'd thought and felt since leaving the hospital. Seeing how full it was with my musings and letters now was amazing to me. I hadn't even realized that I'd written that much. Not until today.

Maggie's parents had been so gracious about it all, which I always assumed was because they'd wanted to know just as much about me as I did about them. They'd given me pictures and newspaper clippings, and eventually sent me copies of Maggie's adoption paperwork and her high school yearbooks, feeding into the frenetic drive I had to follow up on every scrap of information that came my way.

My persistence paid off, eventually, and led me here.

I hopped up from the bed and went over to my computer, grinning as I saw whom the email was from.

Alice.

She was my best friend—my only friend, actually—since I'd known her. Her parents divorced when we were fourteen, and her mother had moved her to Scottsdale before the ink was even dry on the paperwork. She'd come into my life when I needed it the most, when I was nearly drowning in my loneliness. My own mother moved us from place to place for as long as I could remember, and because of this, I learned at a very young age not to get attached. Ever.

But Alice, with her cheerfulness and her boundless energy, hadn't given me the choice of disassociation. From the very first time I stepped foot on the Chaparral campus, she'd been right there to make me feel… less like the outcast I was and more like someone who had grown up here. It was odd how we'd just connected from the beginning. We were such polar opposites. But she was just… Alice.

_Go tomorrow—no rain. Take this and your cell with you (because I think it may work up there if I did my research right). And don't call me trying to weasel your way out of it. I'll just hang up the phone, take the first flight out of Phoenix, and come up there and bug you. Actually, maybe you should. I need an excuse to see your pretty face before school starts, anyway._

_So yeah. Call me tonight. Pretend like you don't want to go hiking tomorrow so I can make flight arrangements. I miss you._

_Ali_

I opened the attachment and clicked to print it, laughing as the first section of a topographical map of Forks came inching its way out of my printer. When all the pieces had finished printing, I laid them out on my desk to see what exactly it was I was supposed to do with it. A red line was drawn from where I assumed I would begin, connecting the trailhead to a part of the forest that coincided with a stream. A waterfall. Alice wanted me to hike to one of the many waterfalls around here.

I took the map with me and rushed downstairs. I didn't want to weasel my way out of it. I _wanted_ to go, but I was sure now that she knew I would. Alice and I tended to always be in sync. She would have never suggested—well, demanded, really—I go if she didn't think I could benefit from it in some way. On the good days, when I was out of the hospital, there were so many times I'd have a sudden craving for ice cream and take a pint over to Alice's house, finding her sad and sniffling over some boy when she answered the door. And Alice was just as intuitive about my needs, maybe even more so given my circumstances. She knew exactly what I needed—a link to reality—every time I'd been stuck in that hospital bed. She kept me informed on all the latest gossip and had held our own little, pathetic senior prom for two in that room since I'd been too weak to attend Chaparral's; she even dropped every plan for her future she'd ever had in order to come to UDub with me this fall. She was more than just a friend to me, staying with me when everyone else, other than my parents, had all but forgotten me.

And there was no way, no matter how many ways I tried, that I could ever repay her for that.

I stopped at the foot of the stairs as I saw two black figures looming at the door. The light streaming in from outside made it impossible to see their faces or any other detail, but I could see their silhouettes just fine.

One of them was in a wheelchair.

The door shut behind them, and I could finally see the smile on the man's face as he stared up at me. It was Billy Black, my father's best friend and one time fishing partner. I hadn't seen him since the accident, too busy with my pre-teenage life to come to the funeral or the hospital or…

I was such a shit, I suddenly realized. Even if I hadn't known Billy that well, or could barely remember either of his daughters, I could have at least come to support my father. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if Alice had gone through something like that. Losing the one you love, your ability to walk…

"I'd have never guess that was your Bella," he said, twisting his head to stare at Charlie.

I tried to summon a memory of him from my childhood, but all I could see was a tall man with long black hair and a blurry face calling out to his daughters on the swing set in his backyard while I… God, I couldn't even remember what I'd been doing that day. Getting into trouble, I'd guess. I was good at that before my health had started to deteriorate. Climbing trees, swimming in streams, getting ridiculously dirty and making my mother mad, or disappearing for hours as I explored the woods and scaring Charlie to death were just the few things I could think of right then. There was no telling what else I'd forgotten about since moving to Phoenix.

"Yeah," Charlie answered gruffly as he pushed Billy further inside. "Don't remind me."

Billy laughed, a low, deep sound that warmed me. "She's pretty."

Now I warmed all over, embarrassed slightly from the compliment.

"Like I said," Charlie shook his head, "don't remind me."

"It's good to see you well," Billy said with a dip of his chin.

"Thanks. Same to you."

"Jake, you remember Bella?" Billy called out to seemingly no one.

"Nope. Not a bit," I heard from the kitchen. A couple of shuffles and the sound of heavy footsteps later, I was staring up at a russet skinned, widely smiling giant.

He towered over me, so I took a step back to get a better look at him. Broad shouldered with gorgeous eyes so dark they almost looked black staring down at me, he was like the rest of the town, feeling so familiar in a way. And yet I didn't know him at all.

He tucked a piece of long black hair behind his ear, the smile never wavering. "Hope you don't mind, but I raided your fridge. You keep way better food in there than Charlie ever did."

"Oh." I blinked a couple times and then focused on the sandwich in his other hand. Roasted chicken and avocado, with a couple slices of turkey bacon left over from the breakfast Charlie made earlier in the week. Exactly what I'd had for lunch earlier. "Uh, thanks. You put ranch on it, right? It's no good without the ranch."

How could that smile get any bigger? It seemed impossible. But now, it was blinding, showcasing all these perfect, white teeth.

"Of course. Except it's that light shit."

"So?"

"It's no good without the fat," he said, tossing my words back at me.

"Then maybe I _don't_ keep such good food in the house."

He barked out a laugh, making me smile. "Looks like I've been proved wrong."

I liked this guy.

"You remember Jacob?" Charlie asked me. "You guys played in the mud a lot when you were little. Your mother hated that."

I almost laughed. That was probably the exact moment I was struggling to remember just a few seconds ago, playing in the mud with Jacob, instead of swinging and keeping clean with his sisters, Rachel and Rebecca.

"Can't say I do," I answered. I stole a glance at Jacob again and shook my head.

He was still smiling.

"I _do_ know you rebuilt my truck, though," I continued, "and I hear you did a fantastic job."

I hadn't allowed myself to think of my interaction with Edward the other day or put any meaning into the fact that _he_ had been the one to fix my truck _and_ detail it. I knew that once I started speculating, I'd never be able to stop. I'd scrutinize every moment, every facial expression or glance away, and hear more in his words or the intonation of his voice than necessary. I'd wonder constantly what it was about me that scared him and why, and I'd drive myself crazy—crazier than I was, that is—in the process.

The fact of the matter was that Edward Cullen, no matter how privileged he seemed or beautiful on the outside he was, was broken. Maybe beyond repair. In all likelihood, getting attached to him would, ironically, shatter my own heart.

On cue, pain flared in my chest. Rational thought seemed to have absolutely no bearing on what I felt. My choice had been made for me. Walking away from him still wasn't an option.

It'd never be an option.

"Hear?"

I blinked a couple times to focus on the word Jacob had said. "I wouldn't actually know since I don't know anything about cars," I explained.

"Who'd you hear it from?"

"The Cullens. I… Thank you for putting so much work into it. I love that old truck."

A flash of pink colored his cheeks but he was nonchalant when he answered. "It's what I do."

"Then why don't you work in Emmett's garage?"

His brows shot up in surprise. "Why should I?"

"Why_ shouldn't_ you?" I countered.

Jacob shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich, chewing for just a second before answering around his food. "It's kind of far away."

"It's not. It takes like fifteen minutes or something."

"Okay, let me put it this way: it is when you don't have a vehicle."

"Oh." My face dropped. I felt like such an idiot. If I understood everything that had been said between Charlie and Sam the other day,_ I_ had his vehicle. "Sorry. I didn't know."

"It is what it is."

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I cleared my throat and focused on Charlie. "Alice recommended a trail for me to hike on tomorrow. Know where I can get a pair of boots?"

"Um, Newton's up the road. You're going alone?"

"Yeah." I expected him to argue like Renee always did, so I quickly barreled ahead. "I'll have my phone in case it has signal up there, I'll leave a copy of the map with the trail I plan to take highlighted on the kitchen table, and I'll make sure you know what time I expect to be back so you can send the search party out if I don't show. Okay?"

He ran his hand over his mustache and grinned as he waited for me to shut up.

"I'm used to Mom," I mumbled. I could hear Jacob snickering beside me but ignored it.

"I trust you, Bella. You tell me where you'll be, like you just did, and I won't have a problem with you hiking alone."

"Seriously?" I asked dubiously.

He nodded. "Just have fun this summer. Responsible fun. That's all I ask."

"Thanks." I stood there for a second, debating on whether or not to ask Jacob along before finally blowing caution to the wind. "Wanna come, Jake?"

He looked surprised by my question, but managed a nod. "Sure. I could use a trip into town."

I ignored my father's massive grin and darted out the door, Jacob right behind me. We each took to the appropriate side of the truck and got in, not speaking again until I'd backed out of the driveway and put the truck into first gear.

"She shifts a little rough," Jacob murmured, staring down at my feet.

"I like it. It makes me try harder." I pressed down on the clutch and shifted to second. "See? Not so bad."

"I guess not. I could check it out sometime if you want," he replied.

For some reason, the thought of anyone's hands on my truck other than Edward Cullen's or my own displeased me.

"If it gets worse, I'll let you know," I hedged.

"No, you won't," he laughed.

"What? I… Why wouldn't I?" I sputtered in shock. I couldn't understand how he'd managed to figure me out so quickly.

He shrugged and stared out the window. "Doesn't matter. But if something happens and you need a good mechanic, I'm sure you'll be able to find me."

"At Billy's."

"At Billy's," he said, turning back around to look at me. "Because I am just _that_ awesome."

"Well, I live with my dad too," I replied.

"It's not the same. You're going to college. You're not stuck like I am."

"You're not stuck."

"Who'd take care of him, huh, Bella?" he retorted. "My sisters sure as hell aren't going to come back for him. And I can only dream of the cash required to hire someone."

"You're not stuck," I repeated firmly. "If you want out bad enough, you'll get out. Be free, Jake. Go fly with the birds or whatever."

A quiet laugh rumbled in his chest. "Like you?"

"I would hardly consider myself free," I answered honestly.

He gave me a funny look.

"It's… It's a long story. Let's just leave it at that."

"Suit yourself."

Soon after, I pulled into the parking lot at Newton's and stepped out of the truck.

"So… are you coming in or going elsewhere?" I asked Jacob.

He glanced over his shoulder before answering me. "I'll meet you inside. Give me ten minutes?"

"Okay."

I walked into the store and went directly to the shoe department in the back. I picked up boot after boot, putting every last one of them back as I examined the price tags. Boots had been such a bad idea. I really couldn't afford any of them, which meant my hiking trip was probably canceled, at least until I got my first paycheck from Emmett. There was no way my Nikes would hold up in all that shit, and I didn't know how long it would take for me to save up the money to replace them if I ended up wearing and ruining them, anyway.

Like pretty much everything in my life so far, it'd just have to wait.

"Bella?"

I was so busy trying to decide if they'd be worth the cost of eating Ramen for the first few weeks at UDub that the sound of the familiar voice startled me. I whirled around, causing Dr. Cullen to give me a quizzical smile in return.

"Dr. Cullen!" I pressed my lips together as I realized my slip. "I mean, Carlisle. Hi."

"Hello." His smile brightened. "I didn't mean to surprise you."

"It's okay," I stared over at the display of camping gear behind him. Looking at him was… Well, no need to repeat that. "I was just thinking. Sorry."

"So we noticed," he said pleasantly. "Going hiking?"

He had his arm wrapped around the waist of a caramel haired woman. My God, the whole family was beautiful. Her skin was dewy and smattered with freckles and her eyes were the prettiest color brown I'd ever seen on a person, flecked with honey and amber and were so much nicer than my own. As I stood there staring at her, I realized she was waiting expectantly for a response. Just like I assumed Dr. Cullen would be if I were to look over at him again.

Only I had none. This was Edward's mother. They were Edward's _parents_. And they had no idea why I'd come to Forks.

I fumbled for something appropriate to say as I stuck the boot I had in my hand back on the shelf. The need to divulge my secret weight heavily on my tongue, and my stomach twisted in knots just thinking of what their reaction would be when they found out who I really was.

Not everyone was as understanding as Maggie's parents had been.

"Um, I wanted to…" I finally answered, rubbing at my chest hard.

The movement didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Cullen. "But?" he prompted, watching me closely.

"I kind of have to wait for my first paycheck." My cheeks flamed with the admission. "Thank you for the job, by the way. Emmett's great. They all are, actually."

"Edward's being nice to you?" the woman said suddenly, as if the thought of Edward being rude to anyone was appalling to her. And I supposed if I were his mother, I'd be appalled with his behavior too. "You be honest with me. Don't lie for that boy."

"He's… getting used to me," I said with an awkward laugh.

She smiled warmly. "Good enough. I'm Esme, by the way. The mom."

"So I gathered. It's very nice to meet you," I told her. And it was. Despite it all, I was glad to meet the other person who pulled Edward out of whatever shitty life he'd been living in Chicago.

"You too, Bella. You like those?" she questioned, grabbing the boot I'd just been holding and examining it.

"Uh, yeah."

"They're great." She flipped them over to see the price on the sole and frowned. "Ooh, maybe not."

I let out a little laugh. "That was my first thought."

"You wear a seven, right?"

I pursed my lips a little. "How'd you guess?"

Dr. Cullen laughed, gazing over at his wife with so much emotion, my throat constricted. I'd never seen anything like it before. "She has a knack for that kind of thing. Comes with being an architect, I suppose. She's very observant."

I spotted Jacob coming through the door, his black head barely visible above the shelves between us and offered the Cullens a small smile.

"My friend just got back. I should go."

Carlilse nodded. "Quick question, Bella."

"Yeah?" I asked, allowing myself to fully gaze at him. Yep, still just as pretty as the last time.

"Where were you planning to hike to?"

"Oh," I glanced down at my feet, a little taken aback by his question, "my best friend is kind of a know-it-all. She'd been researching the area and found a spot accessible just off the highway. Third Beach trail, I think? There's a pretty decent-sized waterfall not too far from the trailhead, I guess. It sounded nice, so I thought I'd try to go before the weather turns again."

Something flashed in Carlisle's eyes. Not pity but something… "Well, I hope you get to go soon. I know the spot, and your friend was right to direct you to it. It's beautiful this time of year."

"Really? Maybe next weekend then," I answered, hiding my dejection as best as I could. "Anyway, it was nice meeting you, Mrs. Cullen-"

"Esme," she interrupted, exchanging some kind of look with her husband.

"Esme," I corrected myself. "I'll see you guys later."

It took everything I had not to flee the scene and walk over to where Jacob was. I was so humiliated, all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and not come out until I was certain that the Cullens had forgotten about the pathetic transplant recipient who couldn't even afford to buy the cheapest hiking boots in the store, much less a pair that would actually hold up and be worth her while.

"Find something?" Jacob asked before he looked my way. He frowned. "Stupid question, I guess."

"They didn't have my size," I lied. "I'm not feeling so hot. I'm going back out to the truck."

"You…" His eyes shifted to my chest. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired. It's been a long couple of weeks. Moving, new job and all…"

He nodded in understanding. "I'll be out in a sec."

The ride back to the house was filled with plenty of jokes from Jacob and giggling from me. I knew what he was doing, and I was just selfish enough to let him. Having him distract me with some of the most ridiculous jokes I'd ever heard was a wonderful change from the normal, angsty thoughts I'd been having lately.

But even if he hadn't been trying to get me to laugh, I was sure a smile would have been on my face from just his presence. It was exceedingly hard to keep a straight face around this guy. His energy was just so… infectious.

He reminded me of Alice. Maybe that was why I felt so at ease with him.

Jacob and his father didn't stick around long after we got back, so I spent the majority of my late afternoon in the kitchen cooking. Homemade lasagna, to be exact. Once it was assembled and put in the oven, I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and scrolled down until I found Alice's number.

My face lit up when she answered.

"Bella!" she nearly squealed. "You got my email!"

"I did," I started pulling the ingredients out of the refrigerator to make a salad later, "and I've been dying to call you ever since."

This time, she actually did squeal. "I'm so glad you did. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too. I haven't gone this long without seeing you since…"

"Summer before our junior year when my mom planned that horrible fucking vacation in Mexico," she finished for me. "God, the size of those flies… And I swear they were all wasted on tequila. Her boyfriend could just reach his hand out and catch them."

I put my hand over my mouth to cover up my giggles. I could only imagine Alice's face or the shudder that ran through her as she talked about it. "Prissy" might definitely be the best word to describe her at times.

"So anyway," she said excitedly, "have you met the brother yet?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

"And?"

"And… I… Alice, he looks nothing like her," I said as I clung to the phone.

"No?"

"No," I confirmed. "I had no idea it was him until Charlie told me."

"But it's him? For sure?"

I made a little sound of agreement. "It's so weird, though. I mean, I know not all siblings have to resemble each other. But I thought I'd have some kind of recognition when I saw him. All I could think about was how much of a dick he is."

Alice giggled, a high-pitched tinkling sound that made me long to see her again. "Well, how different is different?" she asked. "Maggie was blonde, right?"

"With freckles," I said.

"Let me guess. The brother has none?"

"Not a single one."

She huffed. "It wouldn't kill you to be a little more forthcoming, Bells."

"I'm sorry," I laughed. "I'm just tired."

"It's fine. So the brother's not blonde either, huh?"

"No. Edward…" I said, wanting her to stop referring to him as 'he brother'. "His hair is so dark and has this funny red hue to it."

"Well, blonde and red-headed siblings aren't too strange," she said gently.

"I know, but…" I didn't know how to explain it. "I just thought I'd instantly recognize him. I've gone off of my gut this entire time, and-"

I instantly thought of the strange pull I'd felt outside the garage.

"What?"

"I'm lying," I replied. "I knew he was there. I just didn't know that the asshole inside was him until I came home that night."

"But you knew you were supposed to be there."

"Yeah."

"Freaky," she teased.

"Shut up!" I shot back with a laugh.

Alice was silent for a few moments. "Bella," she said hesitantly. "Physically speaking, do they have anything in common at all? I just… I don't want you to think it's him and it wind up being the wrong guy. I know your dad did the research and all, but what if those people at the adoption agency Maggie's parents used mixed up the files or something crazy?"

I closed my eyes and conjured up the images of all the photos I'd seen scattered around the Carr's home and had in my file upstairs. "Their eyes," I eventually answered. "They have the same green eyes." _Not the same_, I amended in my head. Because hers weren't as hypnotic or deep in color as his.

"Have you told him?"

"I've tried. I just can't get the words out. It's like they stick to my throat," I confessed.

"Hmm." Silence stretched out between us again.

"Have you told him anything about yourself?"

"Some stuff."

"Does he know your condition? That you had a heart transplant because of it?"

"No."

"You like him."

"Alice. He's a dick," I reminded her.

"But you have a soft spot for him," she said knowingly.

I started to deny it, but abruptly stopped myself. She was absolutely right. No matter how rude or weird Edward Cullen acted toward me, I always managed to somehow look past it.

"I'm a moron," I said as my answer.

She laughed loudly. "You're not. At all."

"Well, if I'm not stupid, then I guess that means I'm pretty fucked up. Or a masochist. Either of them is a pretty good description at the moment."

"Maybe," she agreed. "So I want pictures when you go on that hike tomorrow."

"Alice, I'm not-"

The sound of the doorbell cut me off.

"Who the hell could that be?" I wondered as I hurried into the living room.

Charlie swung the door open as I stepped into the room, revealing a guy not much older, if any, than me. His blonde hair was gelled into spikes, he was unnaturally tan for this area of the country—regardless of the fact that it was summer—and he work a pair of khaki cargo pants with a green polo shirt with the Newton's logo on it.

Weird.

"Hey, Chief Swan," he greeted pleasantly. He held up a package between them. "This is for your daughter. It's…"

I waved with my free hand, ignoring Alice's curious rambling in my ear. "I'm the daughter."

"Oh." He looked around awkwardly. "I'm Mike Newton. My parents own-"

"Yeah, Newton's," I interrupted. "I didn't buy anything today, though."

"I know, it's just…" He thrust the package at Charlie. "I was told to bring this here when I got off."

I scowled and closed the distance between us, taking the box from Charlie as soon as I was near. I fiddled with the edge of the packing tape, and then pulled in back, revealing a shoe box…

"No," I gasped. "No fucking way."

"Bella, watch your mouth," Charlie scolded.

I couldn't even open the box to see the boots inside. I just shook my head and pushed the box back at the boy on our front stoop. "I can't accept these."

"Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Don't you dare send it back!"

Charlie laughed as Alice's screeches rang out through the room. I cringed.

He thanked the Newton kid and eased the door closed as I stared down at the box in my hands.

"Alice, you don't even know what it is."

"Then tell me."

"Boots," I said softly. "Hiking boots for tomorrow."

She was quiet just long enough to process that. "You weren't going to go."

"I was, but not tomorrow. I was hoping for next weekend, though," I admitted.

"Who're they from?" Charlie asked me.

"Yeah, what he said," Alice chimed in. "Who the hell sent you hiking boots?"

"I have no idea." I glanced up at Charlie. "Dad, what should I do?"

"You keep them!" Alice screeched again.

"Okay, I love you, but the screeching has got to stop," I snapped. "Or else I'm hanging up."

"Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just… Holy shit, someone bought you a gift. A really, really good gift. Bella, you can't return them. You need to figure out who it was and thank them. Ooh, maybe it was the brother."

I snorted. "Yeah, right. Edward would never…"

Then it hit me. Edward might not have bought me the boots, but I was betting that one of the Cullens did.

And I had a pretty good guess which one it was.

"Alice, I'll call you back."

"What? Bella-"

I didn't let her finish her sentence before ending the call. "Dad, I'll be back in a little bit. Take the lasagna out in twenty minutes and eat without me. I don't know how long I'll be."

"Where are you running off to?" he asked confusedly.

I grabbed my keys off the table next to the door, tucked the box under my arm, and started out the door.

"The Cullen's!" I called over my shoulder. "It's south, right?"

"Yeah. Right off the S curve. Why?"

"I think Esme gave me these."

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><p><strong>I just want to give a huge thanks to the girls over at IndieFicPimp for featuring Dear Maggie as the new fic of the week (822). SO THANK YOU, IT WAS AMAZING! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Surprised? I have a reason... It's in the A/N below.**

**Thanks to everyone who's recently added this fic, reviewed, or just talked about it lately. I'm more appreciative than a few words up here can say.**

**Thanks to the beta dude, Stratan, for being well, him.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 6<p>

**Edward**

My heart slammed into my throat and my stomach rolled, jerking me out of the nightmare I'd been having. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, feeling my skin break out into a cold sweat as I struggled to rein in the need to hyperventilate. I could still feel the searing pain as the first bullet tore through my chest, then again as the second ripped through my torso and sent me sprawling out on the pavement. I could feel the sense of weightlessness that came with the blood loss and my heartbeat slowly decreasing as each second passed. I could hear feet stomping beside me, the shriek of a neighboring woman when she found me, and the sound of sirens screeching as they made their way to where the shooting had taken place.

This was exactly why I didn't sleep. When I did, my subconscious frequently dredged up old memories and replayed them over and over again until I was physically ill. I couldn't believe I'd actually fallen asleep as quickly as I did. "Nap", "sleep", "rest", or any other synonym of that kind, was not in my vocabulary. Usually. This week, apparently, was a different fucking story. My eyes seemed to slip close regardless of how much caffeine or energy drinks I consumed during the day or what I did in an effort to stay awake when I holed up in my room each night. And it all started on the night Bella started working for Emmett.

I ran my hands over my face and decided that for once, I couldn't pretend that I was all right. I had to get up and move around, do something to distract myself from the scene that I had just awoken to.

Because it still hurt like fucking hell.

I threw on a pair of jeans and an old, ratty gray t-shirt before heading downstairs. The clock ticking was the only sound in the house, and I had a sudden, fervent moment of wishful thinking as I grabbed my keys and walked out the door. I wanted to be able to sleep easy at night, like all the other people in this house. I wanted one night that I could sleep a solid eight hours and not picture everything that had happened to me in the past. I wanted to look in the mirror and not see dark shadows sitting under my eyes and hollowed out cheekbones. I wanted to be a decent fucking human, but I had no idea how to even try for that.

Then again, I didn't have a reason to, either.

"Maybe you should get back into therapy," I mumbled as I slid into the driver's seat of the Volvo. It made sense. Before, I could deal. Now, with everything suddenly finding its way back into my life again, I wasn't sure I could. Case in point: I was practically sneaking out of my parent's house to go… who knew where. I hadn't done this since I'd first been adopted.

Reverting back to the way I was before wasn't an option. I'd worked too hard to have at least a little resemblance of normal before now.

I drove the short distance toward town, only to abruptly turn off to go to First Beach. The sun would rise soon, so I wanted to watch the ocean light up as the sun came up over the forest behind me.

"Since when did you turn into such a girl?" I scoffed, maneuvering a turn quickly.

I pressed a button on my stereo, turning off the classical music I typically drove to, and then cranked up the heavy metal on the radio to drown out said sudden girlishness. It was getting fucking ridiculous.

I drove through La Push, thankful that the engine in my Volvo was a quiet purr, rather than the low rumble of most of the engines that came into Emmett's shop. The last thing I needed to deal with was a bunch of locals coming out of their doors to see what the fuck I was up to at five in the morning.

When I got to the beach, I pulled onto the side of the road behind an old, beat up Chevy pickup that looked like it had seen better days. It reminded me of Bella's, and I suddenly ached to see her behind the wheel of it, smiling over at me in such a way that my heart skipped a beat.

I exhaled sharply and pushed the thought out of my mind, which was typically the only action I was doing against thoughts like that. It was avoidance, plain and simple. Locking it away to be dealt with at another time.

But I would lose my mind if I didn't begin to deal with this soon. Coming face to face with all my demons again was not something I was looking forward to. I was… terrified, just like I'd told Bella. Of her. Of the feelings she evoked in me. Of why I could no longer pretend that the past hadn't happened at all and why my subconscious was so hell-bent to deal with it.

Fuck, I didn't know if I could go back there again, to that exact moment in time when my entire world had gone wrong.

It was still dark as hell, so I pulled a huge, charcoal flashlight out from under my seat and turned it on, locking my car as I started toward the sound of the ocean in the distance.

The pebbles crunched under my feet, and the wind suctioned my t-shirt to my body. It was chilly, but I didn't care. I welcomed it. The cold awakened me, and it burned through my lungs, providing me with a much needed distraction from the blurry images that still flickered in my mind.

I sat down on the ground and leaned back against a large piece of driftwood, just willing for some kind of… clarity. Everything was so muddled these days, my past mixing with my present, how I felt when I was around Bella. I just needed one moment of peace, although, honestly, that probably wasn't happening any time soon. I hadn't had peace in such a long time I'd forgotten what it felt like.

I was letting one girl affect me more than necessary, and I had no idea how to go about fixing that.

I lit a cigarette and willed for my body to go numb as I watched the waves crash onto the shore. I let it all fade away until I was relaxed enough to compartmentalize everything again. It was the only way I was going to cope, by dealing with one specific issue at a time.

Dealing with Bella was the first thing on my list.

Going to back to Seattle and the apartment I shared with Jasper during the school year was an option, but every time I considered it, I felt hollow—more so than before. If I thought leaving Forks and my family every fall was hard before, leaving Bella would be infinitely harder. As much as I hated to admit it, in just a few short days, I'd gotten used to seeing her on the phone or concentrating on the computer screen as she typed in some kind of information for Emmett every day.

I grabbed a handful of rock and threw it out at the water, furious with my indecisiveness. I couldn't keep warring with myself every day. I needed to make a decision and stick to it. But I was still torn between wanting to give into this urge to _try_ to be with Bella and fleeing the fucking country so that she could forget she'd ever met the green-eyed monster from Forks.

It was absolutely, without a doubt, the best possible scenario: Bella forgetting that I'd ever existed. Because let's just say that—hypothetically speaking— if I was able to give her something of myself, friendship or more, I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't hurt her eventually. I could _never_ guarantee that I wouldn't hurt her.

The pebbles disappeared in the water, lost in the current somewhere. Bella moved like that. Like water. Sinuous and graceful until all at once, it was like something had been thrown into the water, disturbing its seemingly calm surface. She'd lose focus and trip, spilling out onto the floor or knocking a mountain of paperwork off the desk in her wake.

I'd never seen anything like it. And it hit me that if I left, maybe I never would again.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there and watched the ocean, but I realized the beach was full of people when I came out of my stupor. Some were milling around on the beach, looking for sea glass, shells, and everything else they could find, and others were taking advantage of the weather and surfing further off the coast. The sun was high in the sky somewhere behind the clouds now, so I finally got up from my spot and headed back toward the car. But I didn't go home. I drove aimlessly around trying to decompress before I faced my family again. I didn't want them to see what I was hiding, that the reason I'd left in the first place was because of weakness.

I was growing tired of being weak, and so my idle thought of getting back into therapy became more of a resolution. I wanted to be, not resemble, normal for once, as normal as someone in my station could ever be and in whatever capacity that word meant. At almost twenty-three, and with the help of countless therapists and counselors, I still didn't know.

I parked in my usual spot inside the garage when I got home. The smell of dinner cooking hung heavy in the air when I stepped inside, so I immediately went to the kitchen to let Esme know I was back. I'd probably worried her enough for one day.

She didn't hear me come in, too busy stirring something in a pot and listening to the music blasting in her ears from her iPod. I stood there for a moment, trying to decide the best way to approach her. I didn't want to walk over and touch her—I never initiated contact with anyone at any time—but standing here wasn't doing any good. She'd yet to notice me.

I gave up and crossed the room, lightly putting my hand on her shoulder as soon as I was near. The second she glanced over at me, I drew my hand back and shoved it in my pocket to match what my other hand was doing. Today was not the day to let my touch linger on someone. With everything running through my mind, I had a feeling it would be pushing too much too soon.

She jerked her ear buds out of her ear and took a furious step back. "Where've you been?" she demanded.

"Out."

"Out?" Her face hardened. "I realize you're a grown man, but 'out'? Really, Edward?"

"I went to La Push," I replied, hoping to close the subject. "It smells good in here. What is it?"

"Food," was all I got back. I _had_ worried her.

I frowned. "Sorry."

Esme's shoulders fell forward, but she kept her eyes on the bubbling concoction in the pan. "I know something's going on with you," she said quietly. "I won't ask, but… don't keep it all bottled up, okay? You know what-"

"I'm not," I interjected. I didn't think I _could _bottle it up anymore. "I think I'm going to get back into therapy. I'm going to ask Dad for a reference later." I was hoping someone with a fresh look on everything could patch me up better than all of the other doctors I'd already been to. "Maybe someone in Seattle, in case I still want to go when I head back to school."

I could see all those questions she refused to ask in her eyes as she stared back at me. She knew me well enough to know that I didn't have answers for them. Or wouldn't answer them.

I loved her more for that.

"I'm okay, Mom. I just… need to get back into it, that's all."

"You're sure?"

I simply nodded.

"All right." She took a deep breath. "I love you, Edward. We all do. Just remember that."

"I know."

The doorbell chimed throughout the house, and I cocked my brow at Esme expectantly. "Dinner guests you forgot to warn me about?"

"Actually, no," she admitted with a laugh. "Go see who it is, would you?"

I dutifully wound my way through the house and to the front door. The second I opened it, I reared back in shock and dragged my hands through my hair in frustration. I just could not catch a break these days.

"What the fuck?" tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Bella's eyes shot up to mine, hurt flashing in their chocolate depths before she locked it down. Damn it, I'd managed to hurt her already. _Exactly_ what I wanted to avoid.

"Nice to see you too," she snarked. "Your mom around?"

"Why?"

She sighed. "This is why."

She opened up a box to reveal a pair of hiking boots, likely from Newton's. "So you have a pair of boots," I said sarcastically. "Big deal. I don't see what my mother has to do with it."

"Edward, I'm not doing this with you tonight," she snapped. "Get out of the way."

I stood there stubbornly. Then again, so did she. She wasn't planning to leave until she'd spoken to Esme. I could see the determination written all over her face.

I scrubbed my face and stepped aside. "Ah, Christ," I relented. "She's in the kitchen. I need a smoke, anyway."

"Stay far away from me when you do it." She searched my face for something before adding, "Please."

"I'll shut the door behind me, princess," I bit back.

I heard her growl a little under her breath as she walked inside, but paid it no mind. I knew I was being an asshole. I just couldn't stop myself. It was a defense mechanism. I didn't have any kind of clue of what I was going to do about the girl. Staying away from her seemed to be unfeasible thanks to circumstance or whatever the hell it was that kept throwing us together. This was the only way I knew how to keep her out. If she was pissed off at me, she couldn't get under my skin again.

So I hoped.

The fucking cigarette wasn't the least bit satisfying knowing that Bella was in there talking to my mother. I ended up only smoking half of it before stubbing it out and flicking it into the yard somewhere. Then, I rushed back inside, wiping my hands on my clothes like it was going to rid me of the toxins I'd just put all over them. Bella would breathe it in, no matter how far away I was from her when I actually smoked. And with that scar…

I was such a goddamned dick.

"Mrs. Cullen-"

"I already told you, Bella. It's Esme."

"_Esme_," I could hear the annoyance in Bella's voice, "I can't keep these."

"Why not? Give me one good reason," Esme requested.

"Because… I… I know what you're doing here," she laughed. "And I'm not one of your charity cases."

I chose that moment to step into the kitchen, wanting very much to see my mother's reaction to that. Not just hear it. Esme Cullen did not do charity. She did what she wanted when she wanted.

End of story.

"Bella Swan, I have never been compelled to do anything for a person because I felt sorry for them or because of some strange sense of self-satisfaction like a lot of rich women out there. You needed boots to go hiking to the waterfall tomorrow; I provided you with them because _I can_. That's all there is to it."

The pause my mother gave had me tensing. She had an ulterior motive.

"Well, not exactly. I want the two of you to go up there together," she finished.

"What?" I shouted, almost startling Bella right out of her seat.

Used to my outbursts, Esme just shrugged. "You heard me."

"But… but why?" I sputtered. "I don't even know her!"

"Because there is no one else in this town—not even a park ranger—who knows that area better than you or your father. Carlisle is busy tomorrow, but you're free. I don't want Bella roaming the woods alone," Esme explained. "Not this first time, at least."

"Charlie was fine with it," Bella protested. "He knows I wouldn't-"

"It's not up for debate. Think of it as a 'thank you' for your job. I'm sure you've been thinking of ways since you started," she said gently, patting her leg and giving her a soft smile.

And there it was. She went right in for the kill, phrasing her demand so that_ Bella_ couldn't say no. And, in turn, neither could I.

I narrowed my eyes, on the verge of exploding at Esme for the first time since I'd been adopted. This was absolute bullshit.

She aimed her smile up at me. "What do you say, sweetie? Show Bella Falls Creek?"

I ground my teeth together so I didn't yell my answer at her. "Fine."

"Are you two serious?" Bella gasped in shock.

"Of course I am," Esme answered innocently.

"Be at the Third Beach trailhead at seven. If you're so much as five seconds late, I'll leave."

"Your point?" Bella snarled at me. "I don't _need_ a tour guide. I'm perfectly capable of going alone."

"You don't go with me then you'll have to look for another way to repay Carlisle. As you can see," I motioned grandly to the huge, state-of-the-art kitchen we were in, "he's kind of hard to buy for. So good luck with that."

She visibly paled. I'd struck a nerve.

Shit.

"See you in the morning," I yelled at her as I left the room. I fled not out of cowardice this time, but because if I was going to do this—and who was I kidding, I was—I needed to mentally prepare myself. I needed the time alone to figure out how the hell I was going to be able to stand being around Bella without either being a total fucking asshole to her or rip all of her clothes off and fuck her next to the creek below the falls.

Which, if I was being truly honest with myself, was an incredibly enticing thought…

No one bothered me the entire evening, not even Esme or Carlisle in an attempt to get me to eat anything. I couldn't have if I'd tried, though. I was too keyed up, scared shitless and unable to calm down. Perfect for staying awake; hell for my brain.

By the time dawn came, I'd geared myself up for battle. This was a way that I could start to face all those demons I had buried so deep, whether I was ready for it or not. After all, what better way was there to do so than by spending an entire day alone with the girl who tempted them to come out and play?

Bella was fire, and I was probably going to get burned, but I didn't stop myself; didn't even consider it as I drove to the trailhead and parked behind her awaiting truck. I'd chosen to meet here so that I didn't have to deal with Chief Swan's warning looks as well as being alone with Bella this morning. I could only take so much.

I grabbed the two coffees and breakfast I'd picked up on my way and headed toward her truck. Bella must've been waiting for me, because before I could even come around to her side of the truck, she flung her door open and stared up at me nervously. Her eyes shifted to the food in my hands as she slid out of the seat, and her mouth made a little round 'o' of surprise, causing images to flash through my mind of how it would look wrapped around my-

God damn it.

I shifted awkwardly and took in a steadying breath. "Peace offering," I mumbled.

"You came," she breathed. She stepped away from the truck but held the door. "Do you want to sit in here and eat or…?"

"Uh…" Remembering the last time I'd been alone with her in a confined space and everything that had gone with it, I took a step back and shook my head. "Out here's fine."

Her lips twitched a little as she shut the door behind her. "Scared again?"

I turned around and sat down on the edge of the road, placing the coffee and food next to me. Honesty, I reminded myself, even though I wanted to get defensive. No more bullshit. If I wanted to figure out how to let everything go, I probably needed to let someone in. Bella was just as good as any other.

But I knew that was a lie. Bella was _better_ than any other for some odd reason.

"Yeah." I took a sip of coffee and handed hers to her, watching her closely as she sat beside me. "I don't um, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't talk to people much."

"I think I remember saying something similar the other day." She took the cup and gave me a small smile. "Thank you for breakfast."

I stared at her blankly for a moment, and then realized what she was waiting for. "You're welcome."

"Not so hard, is it?" she joked.

Actually, it was, but I didn't tell her that. She… she rattled my bones, this girl.

We ate in silence; the chirping of birds and the rustling of the paper around our croissants were the only sounds until we were through. Well, except for my annoying, rapidly thumping heart. That could probably be heard from a mile away.

She moved to get up, the back of her jeans scraping against the asphalt as she did, and dusted her ass off. My eyes wandered up, and then quickly found the ground again. She had rhinestones making a pretty little fucking pattern on her ass.

Holy. Shit.

"My backpack's on the other side. I've got some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we can bring if you need me to."

I swallowed thickly, willing my dick to go soft again. No luck. "No. Esme made a bunch of shit last night and stuck it in a cooler in the car. I'm not packing the fucker, though. We can take just what we think we'll use there."

"How come?"

"It's over seven miles back."

Her face twisted up as she thought about it. "The waterfall's seven miles away from here?"

I nodded.

"Oh." Her cheeks went pink from something she was thinking, and I wanted to groan with it. I'd be forced to look at it all day with no reprieve in sight. "I guess we should get going, then."

"Guess so."

We checked to make sure we had everything before heading out. The walk up to the falls was slow going and full of tension. I had nothing suitable to say to break the ice, and Bella was too busy staring at… Well, at fucking everything. If she wasn't just looking at it, she was examining it, feeling things like the moss growing over the fallen trees, the leaves that hung down over the path; mushrooms on the damp ground and pebbles—like the ones I'd thrown into the ocean yesterday—on the beach. I tried to be as patient as possible, but at the rate we were going, it'd be dark before we even made it there.

I exhaled sharply in frustration, catching myself and stealing a glance at Bella.

She looked pissed.

"Am I bothering you?" she asked angrily.

"I…" I ran my hands through my hair. "Well, if you'd stop _touching_ everything and pick up the fucking pace we might actually make it to that damned waterfall this century."

She stopped abruptly and crossed her arms over her chest. "You know what? When you've spent the last three years in a hospital bed, thinking that you'll never do anything like this again, you tend to want to savor it the first time out. So forgive me, because that's exactly what I'm doing. If you don't like it, you're free to go on up."

I opened my mouth to respond, but I had nothing to say back. Instead, my eyes found their way to her chest, covered up by the lightweight, button up shirt she had on.

We stayed locked like that for a moment until she started moving up the trail. Curiosity burned in my veins, but I couldn't get the words to form on my tongue. I just moved with her for a while and watched her touch everything again.

"You can ask about it," she whispered, running her fingers along the soft leaves of a fern. She looked my way and practically stole my breath. She looked incredible out here surrounded by all of this. She… she fucking belonged out here.

"What, um…" I cleared my throat. "What do you have?"

The color of her face deepened as she said, "Well, I guess you could say that I don't have it anymore since they literally took out the problem the last time they opened me up… But it's hypertrophic cardiomyopathy?"

"Anymore?" I repeated, giving her a funny look. You didn't just miraculously heal from something like that. It was something you were born with, something you couldn't escape. Doctors merely cured its symptoms. I had no idea what she'd meant, unless… "Oh, fuck."

Heart transplant.

She wouldn't look at me now.

"I…" I didn't know how to respond to that. Sorry, maybe? So I tried it. "I'm so-"

"Don't you dare say it, Edward," she groaned. "Just… don't."

I opened my mouth to say something else, and then slammed it shut again when I realized that I could identify with her. I'd been on the brink of death once myself. It was the precise memory I'd fled from yesterday morning, and it seemed to be the first of many memories I'd hidden away to want to make itself known.

If sorry wasn't the appropriate response, I figured I'd try to tell her why that wasn't just a word to me.

"Bella, I was… I _know_…" But the words just wouldn't come. I'd never tried to tell anyone outside the many therapists I'd had what it was like lying there on the ground dying. What it was like before Carlisle and Esme found me. How terrified I'd been that the hospital administrators would send me out on the street before I was healed because I was some piece of shit kid who couldn't—or wouldn't, depending on who they were asking for—tell them where his parents were. Who had no way to pay.

Looking at Bella was like locking them in the vault of my brain somewhere. I couldn't formulate a way to say it.

She sighed and started to move again, this time a little faster. "How much further?" she questioned quietly.

She did it again, the fucking mind reader. She knew not to push me.

I glanced around to get my bearings. "Thirty more minutes," I guessed.

She nodded.

As we walked by the creek, light would occasionally filter through the trees, causing everything to brighten as we made our way through the dense forest. Bella's steps were now hurried, and a smile played at her lips the closer we got to the waterfall. We could hear the sound of it now, gradually getting louder and louder until the creek curved and we could see it and the area surrounding it clearly.

The sound of water gliding across the rock echoed around us. The sun was out, giving Bella the perfect opportunity to see the plants and flowers that grew here in all their glory, and it cast rainbows over dark stone.

But I saw none of it. All I could see was Bella and the stunned, ecstatic way her face lit up as she took it all in. Her hand came up to cover her gaping mouth as her eyes darted around, a gust of wind coming up from the ocean and whipping her hair around her face. Her hand moved down to her chest, grabbing at the fabric over her heart as she whispered something undecipherable.

It almost looked like a silent 'thank you'.

"I just… Shit, Edward, this is incredible!" she eventually shouted over at me.

"Yeah?" I moved toward her, pulled in by her blinding smile. "It's not bad."

"Not bad?" She shook her head and laughed. A warm feeling came over me as the sound spread out around us. "You're jaded. It's… I didn't know anything like this was here."

"I-" I stopped my argument because I had no reason to argue. She was right. I _was_ jaded to this. But maybe Bella would whittle away at that, and I'd see it through fresh eyes again someday.

Then I remembered who I was and where I came from. I'd never have the purity she did. Not with everything I'd done before.

"I was shot," I said instead. Bella's eyes snapped to mine, large and uncertain, and I questioned my timing. I'd never shared anything this heavy in my life. I didn't have the slightest idea where to start.

"What did you just say?"

I glanced away, unable to watch her face as I told her this part of my past. "There was a point that I was homeless. Not because Elizabeth hadn't been able to afford a place to live. Because I ran away after…"

I gritted my teeth against the sick feeling that settled in my stomach. I would _not_ lose my breakfast in front of her.

"I refused to do any more for them, so they found me and shot me. Left me to die."

She gasped, but I didn't dare look at her. Not yet. "Edward, who?"

I shook my head. I couldn't go that far into it. "Someone found me before I bled out and called an ambulance. I was…" I was only giving her pieces of the story. I couldn't seem to find any sort of flow, so I just stopped.

"I almost died. So when I tried to tell you I was sorry, it wasn't because of some bullshit 'this is what you say in situations like these' response. It was because I am."

"Okay." Her voice quaked, and my eyes involuntarily darted to hers. They were brimming with unshed tears.

"Why are you crying?" I asked in panic.

"For the boy." She shrugged. "He didn't deserve it."

"What the-?" I broke off, suddenly angry. "You don't have any fucking idea what I deserve."

She stood tall, giving me a fierce look. "You don't know what you do."

I pulled at my hair before I started to pull the pack off my shoulders. "Don't feel sorry for me, Bella."

"If you think for one second I feel sorry for you, you weren't paying any attention to the conversation we just had. I don't pity anyone. Ever. I know what it's like on the receiving end, and I'm too… too fucking proud to do that to someone else."

"Well, it all worked out," I said, not acknowledging how listening to her curse made my blood boil with need. "Carlisle and Esme found me in that hospital. My surgeon was an old med school buddy of his. So I got out. I never had to go back to that shithole life of mine."

"Good."

"Yeah."

We didn't speak much after that. Bella laid out a blanket over a fallen tree. She leaned against one of the branches, resting her head on her arms behind her head and closing her eyes each and every time the sun peeked out from the clouds. She eventually motioned for me to sit beside her, and as fucking awkward as it made me feel, I didn't resist. Feeling her body heat beside me was…

Indescribable.

"Why'd you come with me today?" she asked quietly, and then she giggled at herself. "I'm always asking you questions like these, aren't I? Why'd you do this? Why'd you do that? God, I must be so annoying."

"No. Never," I protested. I blinked a little at the earnestness behind that. I'd been convinced that I hated her somehow, but I was quickly realizing it wasn't Bella at all. It was hatred toward myself and everything this girl made me face.

She turned her head to the side and gave me a good, long look to see if I was lying. Satisfied that I wasn't, she said, "So then answer me."

"Esme…" I struggled with the words. "Well, she doesn't take no for an answer. It's how my brothers and I came into her family. It's… it's one of my favorite things about her. She has this innate way of phrasing something so that she gets her way. She knows just what buttons to push for everyone. So it would have been pointless to say no."

"What's your button?" she asked, pulling her lower lip in between her teeth as she waited for my answer.

"I don't really know," I admitted. "I guess I don't really know enough about myself to figure it out. Esme seems to, though."

"Well, she's your mom," Bella returned. "It's a mom's job to know that kind of shit."

"Not all moms," I said darkly.

"Your biological mom, Elizabeth?" She paused, and I knew she was waiting for confirmation. But something in her eyes told me she really didn't need it.

It was strange, but I nodded regardless.

"She doesn't count. I don't know anything about your situation before you met Carlisle and Esme—other than the shooting, of course—but I know enough to be able to say that she wasn't your mom. Not in the slightest. Esme is. And I'm sorry for that."

I gazed at her and saw no judgment in her eyes. Just honesty.

I was even more at a loss for words.

We went silent again until all at once, Bella shot up from her spot and started rifling through my nearby backpack.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I growled, reaching for the damn thing. There wasn't anything important in there, but I still had a little bit of self-respect. I wasn't about to let some random girl start digging through my shit.

"You haven't smoked… all day," she murmured, yanking whatever she could grab out of the pack.

"Ah…"

She caught the discomfort in my voice and stopped her motions. "Edward?"

"I knew um, that your scar… I mean, I'd caught a glimpse of it… Fuck," I muttered. Now I was really wising for one of those cigarettes. "Carlisle's been on my ass to quit for… for fucking ever, and gave me some of those stupid patches to wear. I didn't want to smoke around you, so… I-"

I yanked up the sleeve of my shirt to expose the clear patch I'd haphazardly put on this morning before walking out the door. "I probably need another by now…" No, not probably. I sure as fuck did.

She watched me rub at the plastic sticker for a second before timidly reaching out to touch my hand with hers. It wasn't much, just a quick squeeze, but my body didn't care. Like a fire had been started, heat flooded my veins with the simple gesture, cycling through my body until the inferno worked its way to rage in my chest.

"Thank you," she said softly.

For the first time in my adult life, I hadn't panicked from the spontaneous touch of another. I realized that I'd wanted it. Craved it, even.

Which would quite possibly, eventually, have me panicking for a wholly different reason, but at that specific moment, I hadn't been able to process any of the doubts or rebuttals that I normally would during that one, brief moment where her skin brushed over mine.

I simply marveled it.

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><p><strong>So Dear Maggie is up for Fic of the Week on The Lemonade Stand. Go vote for up to four of your favorites (possibly this? Lol) listed there. It'd be much appreciated ;) www(dot) tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com... Anyone else wish FFn would quick blocking links? Sheesh.<strong>

**Next update going to be on schedule. Sorry. I've been sick and haven't really been able to get this story out the way I normally can, so I've gotta pace myself again. Two weeks from tomorrow...**

**xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**First and foremost, thank you to the beta dude for making sure this is legible. Thanks for all the recent alert adds and reviews, as usual. I'm still shocked by everyone's interest in this.**

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><p>Chapter 7<p>

**Bella**

The feeling of my hand folding over Edward's flashed through my mind as we headed up to the top of the falls together. I swallowed hard, thinking of how amazing his skin felt against mine, how…_ right_. I hadn't planned it. I'd known from our brief interaction that he didn't appreciate having his personal space invaded like that. But I hadn't been able to stop myself. It was like I'd been possessed. Terrifying since I had no way of knowing what his reaction would be.

But it had been worth it to see the look on his face, the silent wonder that followed...

_Holy shit_ was it worth it.

I was beginning to notice my thighs burn from the effort it had taken to get up the steep cliff. A light sheen of sweat covered my skin, and my lungs pulled in heavy, exerted breaths with every step I took on the stones surrounding the waterfall. Birds continued to chirp around us, and the sun—shining brightly now for a change—filtered through the canopy of the forest and made everything seem impossibly green… dreamy, even.

I loved it all.

All day, I'd purposely ignored the watch on my wrist or the clock on my phone. The hike to the waterfall was my time to admire the place my father called home. The time I spent lying on the tree beside the stream had been spent getting to know Edward a little better, although, it'd been incredibly hard and I hadn't learned much. But what he had told me meant more to me than he'd ever know. If I understood Rosalie correctly, it meant that I was the first outsider he'd ever shared anything with, even if getting shot was likely public record in Chicago.

I thought this would have made me happy. It had been exactly what I'd been hoping for, to learn about Edward's past and figure out what the hell I was doing here. But given the circumstances of my arrival to Forks, my guilt over it was thick and strong in my chest, slowly squeezing the air out of my lungs as I thought about it.

So I didn't. There would be plenty of time to think of ways to tell Edward about Maggie. I just wanted... I wanted him comfortable with me first. It seemed wrong to just blurt it out like I'd originally planned. Especially now that I knew him better. It led me to believe that he wouldn't take it particularly well.

But I needed to keep watch of my time. I may still have had the rest of the summer before I left for college, but time, in general, had a tendency to quickly spin out of control. Before you knew it, you'd lost your grip on it.

And I couldn't lose hold of it.

I also needed to do a little more research on their mother, the Elizabeth Masen I'd read about in Maggie's adoption paperwork, before I said anything. She seemed... Well, telling Edward that she wasn't his mother at all was the least insulting thing I could say about the woman. I felt oddly protective over him, and highly pissed off that she had kept Edward involved in her… mess. Whatever had happened to Edward made it clear that this woman was in no position to raise any child at all... and that Maggie, however it had happened, had gotten lucky.

"Oh, my God. My legs are killing me."

"You were the one who wanted to come up here..."

"I know." I drew in a quick breath. "I still do. I'm just tired and bitchy, that's all."

Edward turned around, his eyebrow cocked challengingly. "If you want to take a break-"

"You won't finish that sentence if you don't want me to push you off this hill," I interrupted.

His lips twitched a little and he shook his head. His guard was down today, so I stupidly prayed for him to smile, chanting it over and over again in my head until he turned back and started climbing again.

So close.

"Then don't be such a fucking baby," he shot back.

"All right, now I _am_ going to push you," I shouted playfully, hurrying up the cliff after him.

This man needed to let loose and have some fun for a change.

I made it three steps before my leftover clumsiness kicked in and I slipped on a loose rock, tumbling forward and uttering a little screech of fear. Surprisingly enough, my heart let out one solid thump as I fell, and I scrambled to get a hold of something—anything—before I plummeted to the hard ground below.

But I didn't need to. Edward jerked me up by my arm and threw me against the solid base of the cliff like I weighed absolutely nothing.

"You stupid fucking-" He broke off and groaned, dropping his head down so it almost touched my shoulder. His body pinned mine against the wall of rock, and if I hadn't been so full of fear, I would have groaned myself. For a completely different reason.

Edward Cullen felt fantastic against me.

"Why? Why would you do that?" he asked me angrily.

I trembled against him, unable to really speak. The weight of his chest moving steadily with his sharp breaths echoed my own, and I twisted a little to see him clearly, shocked that his reaction was so close to mine.

We were both terrified.

"I wasn't... I mean, I..." My let my eyes drift to the stream below us, looking at all the boulders underneath the clear surface of the water, and my stomach rolled. "I don't-"

I stopped trying to explain.

"I'm sorry," I managed to croak instead.

His head snapped up and his eyes blazed down at me. They were wild, filled with emotions I couldn't understand, and my heart started to race with it.

Or from the recognition of adrenaline in my veins. I didn't know which.

"You _should_ be." He backed away, only to collapse beside me. "Fuck."

I slid down the rock to join him on the ground. "So I guess we're going back down now, huh?" I asked lamely.

He let his head fall back against the rock and closed his eyes. "I don't even have the balls to let you move right now. Forget actually climbing, Bella."

I laughed once.

"I should've known," he mumbled to himself. "She's so goddamned clumsy."

"Hey," I said indignantly. "I can't help it."

"Trust me. I know."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It just means I watch you, that's all," he answered harshly. "We all do. It's impossible not to."

"Wait a minute, what did I do to you now?"

"You... It's..." His hands went into fists on the top of his knees, rubbing across the fabric of his jeans in frustration. "I cannot imagine _not_ having you around."

I blinked. "And?"

"And that pisses me off."

"Really?" I whispered dubiously.

He shifted so that his whole body was facing me. "Did you know that every time I was an asshole to you was some ridiculous attempt to push you away? But I could never follow through, could I? Because I always end up letting you see some part of me that no one else does or do something... like taking you on this stupid hike or fixing your truck."

I was well aware of how unpredictable he was.

"You're a dick," I agreed. "I told my friend, Alice, that, by the way. Just you know... head's up or whatever."

"Oh, Jesus," he groaned. "See that is why I can't imagine not having you around. You're so... You just... You're the only person I've thought about trying to be with. Ever."

"You like me?" I asked, stunned.

"I think that's what this shit is."

"Think?" My chest started to ache, only instead of it being that strange pull I always felt whenever Edward was near, it was anxiety. I knew how I felt about him, how he was always on my mind and in this heart. I'd wanted him to touch me from the first glimmer of his personality he'd let me see. And despite my guilty conscience, I couldn't wait for him to kiss me.

I was an awful, horrible human being. But right then, I didn't care. I just wanted him to feel the same.

"Yeah, I fucking like you," he spat. "But it doesn't mean a thing."

Now I was confused. "Why not? I like you too."

His beautiful face crumpled in pain. "Don't say that. Please..."

"Then explain to me why the hell not," I bit out.

"I'm no good for you," he said so low I had to strain to hear him over the water. "I'm fucked up... I'll... I'll hurt you. I can't-"

"Whoa, stop." I moved to my knees so that I was eye-level with him. "Why would you ever think you're no good for me?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter, Edward." My chest burned so much I pressed my hand up against it in hopes of stopping it. His eyes followed the movement, watching it intensely... longingly. "I'm not really all that great myself-"

"Don't do that," he said between his teeth, his eyes never leaving the place my hand sat. "Please don't."

"Like you _don't_?" I countered.

He huffed in agitation and pushed away from me, closing himself off from the world again. I could see each brick being laid; they blocked any access I might've once had to him as each second ticked by. It was infuriating to see him do this, but I had no idea how to stop it. I didn't know enough about him to begin to even try. So I just sat there with him, waiting until we were both calm enough to attempt the climb down toward the beach and our belongings.

By the time we made it back to solid ground, I'd decided I hated Elizabeth Masen for destroying this amazing man.

"Ready to go home?" he asked as he started packing everything back up. He sounded so... defeated.

Much like I did at the moment.

"Whatever, Edward," I sighed.

I told myself again that he was ruined. It wasn't like it was a surprise; I'd known it all along. But that did nothing to ease the pressure in my chest. I had no idea what a broken heart felt like, but I was guessing it was fairly similar to what I felt now. And it hurt more than I could have ever thought possible.

His eyes flashed to mine, holding them for a brief moment before dropping them back down again, almost as if he was ashamed of seeing me hurt this way. "It's... it's for the best," he mumbled.

My mouth fell open. For the best?

"You do not get to tell me what's best for me," I growled, stomping away from him. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and headed down the trail.

Without Edward.

I knew he was behind me the whole time, though. He somehow managed to keep a safe distance away from me without ever letting me out of his sight. I could feel him and hear his footfalls on the ground behind me. I knew when his eyes bore into me, but I refused to turn around. He seemed to be letting me walk off my anger... or maybe he just didn't want to deal with me anymore. I had no idea which one it was, and I wasn't going to attempt to figure it out. He was much too complicated for my simple mind.

And I was still pissed off. So it didn't matter.

The sky was purple with twilight when we got back to our vehicles. I hurried over to my truck and threw my backpack inside. I debated leaving without a goodbye, but I couldn't do it. I could never just leave Edward in the dust.

Resigned, I spun around and came face to face with him, watching as his lips contorted into that snarl I loved so much as soon as our eyes connected.

"You're fucking mad at me..." He paused, raking me with a derisive look. "You're fucking pissed off because I was honest with you and told you I was no good for you? What kind of shit is-?"

"No, I'm _fucking pissed off _because you're telling me what I can and cannot do with my life, what's 'for the best'," I mocked. "I spent my entire life having my mother do it, and then have had to deal with the same shit coming from every doctor that has ever examined me. I'm not doing it with anyone else ever again, Edward. Not even you. No matter how much I might want to be with you."

"God," hand through the hair again, "fuck!" he screamed. "Do you know how badly I want to tell you to just fuck off? That I don't care if you're pissed at me?"

"Then do it," I challenged. But my body belied my words and sagged against the seat.

He growled. "Why is this so hard? Why can't I just let you stay mad at me?"

I stood there quietly and let him yell it all out. Curses and groans flew from his lips, and he looked like he wanted to throw something... or_ himself _at the something. But not a single word was aimed at me. I was witnessing some sort of break down, and as much as I wanted to spit the words about Maggie's heart out at him and leave him here with his demons alone, it wasn't fair.

None of this was fair.

After a while, the turmoil inside him died down. He cautiously approached me, stopping so that he was just in front of me. My body reacted like it always did around him. Sweating palms, heavy breaths, flutters in my stomach. I wanted him to close the few inches between us and feel his lips on mine, but he didn't.

He didn't move for what felt like an eternity.

"Slow," he eventually said. "I can't... Not unless it's slow."

The way his green eyes burned with this sort of pleading sincerity made me want to take him in my arms, but if I did, I'd freak him out and make him flee. So I simply let my lips curve into a smile and replied with, "Crawling."

He exhaled in relief and nodded. I could see his jaw work as he chewed on his cheek and stared at me. I wanted desperately to know what he was thinking, because I just couldn't tell. As always, his face and his eyes displayed so many emotions I couldn't get a handle on them. But like the patient girl I was pretending to be, I waited for him to tell me.

"I... Let me try something," he whispered.

"Okay."

His fingers shook as they brushed over my cheek, down toward my jaw. He pulled his hand back for a split second before some kind of steel resolve came over him, and then touched me again. His hand was steadier now, moving down my neck until it came to the first, fastened button of my shirt. He expertly flicked it open, revealing the top of my scar, and then dragged his fingers down slowly... so fucking slowly—like he was reiterating his earlier words further—to feel the new flesh at the incision site.

Every inch of me yearned for more. More pressure, more of his fingers moving over my body, more of this... feeling he was giving me. My heart sped up the closer he got to it, startling me. My eyes widened and darted up to his, and then a soft moan came pouring out of my mouth when I got a good look of the desperation on his face.

The sound had been enough to break the spell, and with a quick jerk of his hand, he was no longer near me, standing two feet in front of me and looking absolutely torn.

"What was... um...?" I cleared my throat and tried to find my voice, my breath... anything. "What was that about?"

"I don't usually touch people," he said softly. "I normally don't like it."

"But I've seen people touch you."

"_They _touch _me_."

"Oh," I breathed in realization. Another first.

"I'll understand if you can't stomach the thought of me putting my hands on you. I feel like... like maybe I'm tarnishing you when I do."

"Absolutely not." Unthinkingly, I took a step toward him, causing his whole body to tense in panic. "I want you to touch me."

He visibly relaxed when he saw that I wasn't going to fling myself at him. "Really?" he asked skeptically.

"_Fuck yes_," I replied emphatically.

A broken laugh rumbled in his chest, and I thought I might keel over with the sound. 'Incredible' did not even begin to describe it.

"Was that a... a laugh?" I asked.

"I'm not the most experienced with this sort of shit, but yes; I think they call that a 'chuckle', Bella," he deadpanned.

"He's funny too," I teased. "Who'd have thought with all that bad boy bullshit he has going on?"

He ignored my jab.

"I like touching you," he murmured. "So fucking much it scares me."

"Everything about you—this—scares me," I admitted. It was the most truthful thing I could have ever said at that moment. I was afraid of it all; his temper, the way he made me feel, our pasts, any hope of a future with him dying when he finally learned what I held inside me.

"Yeah."

We'd stood there long enough that it was nearly dark outside now. The woods were black against the darkened sky, and I could barely make Edward out in the fading light, even though he stood just in front of me.

"I should go. I don't want Charlie to worry," I said reluctantly.

"Bella, I..." He glanced away and ran his hand over the back of his neck nervously. "I want to see you."

"You will. We work together, remember?"

"No, I mean like, fuck, I don't know... Outside of work."

"Like a date?" I questioned, clamping down on the giddy feeling that arose within me. I didn't need to scare the man away. We obviously had enough fear lurking around us as it was.

"No... Uh, maybe. I'm not ready to go back to the way it was before. You... Having you around is oddly therapeutic."

I blinked up at him, and surprisingly enough, he managed to see it despite the dark.

"Damn it, that sounded awful. I..." He muttered something under his breath. "You force me to deal with my shit. But not only that, I enjoy being with you. When I'm not being a defensive jackass, that is."

"Well," I dragged out the word, unable to keep the smile off my face, "how about we do something with your family? No pressure or anything. Slow."

_Like you wanted,_ I finished to myself. Even though I was thinking again that I could dive headfirst into this. But at least I had the sense to put the brakes on that kind of behavior. I couldn't dive headfirst into anything until I'd told him about Maggie. Or until we were ready.

And we were far from ready.

He rocked on his heels and let his hand go up to mess with his hair. "You really want to deal with Emmett?"

"I like Emmett."

He looked at me like I was nuts. "All right."

"Okay." I bit down on my lip as we awkwardly stood there together. "So... I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Early."

"Early," I confirmed. Staying away from him now that I'd fully seen what was under that façade of his was going to kill me. I just knew it.

He reached out and brushed my hair over my shoulder, hovering just long enough for me to expel all the air from my lungs before he let his hand slide down my arm.

He squeezed my hand and whispered, "Drive carefully," just before turning away.

I wasn't exactly sure how I made it home. Dazed, I'd stood there until his Volvo whizzed by me, and then the next thing I knew, I was inside my room with my journal in my hand and a full-page letter to Maggie written inside. Edward seemed to always have that affect on me.

Realizing how late it was, I dropped it on the bed and hurried downstairs to make dinner for Charlie. I was silent as we ate, but I wasn't sure why. I was ecstatic when I was listening to Edward tell me that he wanted to see me more, and now I was… strangely morose.

"Did something happen today, Bella?" Charlie finally asked, breaking the silence.

"No. Nothing bad. Why?"

"You're quiet."

I stared at my food. "Oh."

A few beats of time went by before Charlie cleared his throat and tried again. "Have fun today out there by yourself?"

"I wasn't alone," I responded, not even thinking about it. "I was with Edward."

The sound of Charlie's fork clattering against the porcelain plate had my eyes snapping up to his. "Cullen?"

"Is there another Edward in this town I don't know about?"

He glowered at me.

"Yes, Cullen," I answered. "Esme was adamant he go with me. Didn't want me to get lost or whatever. What was with the weird reaction?"

"I don't know." He flushed. "He keeps to himself, that's all. I'm shocked he agreed to go."

"Neither of us had a choice, Dad. Esme's kind of… stubborn."

"Sounds like the two of you would get along well," he muttered dryly.

"Probably," I said with a laugh. "Edward's great, though, Dad. Once you get him to open up a little, anyway. I like him."

"You want to get close to your donor's brother before he even knows he has a sister or that she's _gone_?" Charlie nearly shouted. It was the most emotion I could remember ever coming from him outside of the hospital. "Are you crazy?"

Maybe.

"He's… he's had a hard life. I can't spring it on him like I thought I could. It won't work like that. He'll just use it as another way to hate himself. I know it."

Charlie leaned back and sighed, watching me steadily for a moment. "You know the kid better than I do. There really wasn't anything of substance in his file."

"Huh."

I'd never actually seen Edward's file. Anything I knew of his biological relation to Maggie was straight out of what Charlie had originally given me when I first started this madness and later, from the information the Carrs also supplied me with. As far as knowing anything of Edward's identity, I'd only seen his name scratched on a piece of paper. Charlie had neither offered any other information on him, nor did I ask for it. It felt oddly intrusive to look at anything of Edward's, like I was invading his privacy.

Though, that was exactly what I'd done with Maggie, now hadn't I? Only I hadn't been able to stop myself. But Edward was flesh; he was able to stand before me and tell me. Maggie didn't have that option anymore.

And I hated that still.

"Yeah. It's all just vague facts about his adoption and biological parents. The kid supposedly never got into trouble those couple of years he lived on the streets. I find that very hard to believe, though."

I didn't comment on that. I knew Edward well enough to know that he was inherently good. Anything he might've done in his past was likely out of self-defense. Not to mention at this point, Charlie was just speculating.

After we ate, I cleaned up the kitchen and did some laundry. Folding clothes wasn't exactly my idea of a fun-filled Sunday night, but it looked like Charlie wasn't going to touch the wash. I'd only been in Forks for two weeks, but I was beginning to wonder how anything got done around here at all…

When I was finished, I took a shower, and then I shut myself in my bedroom and lied down on the bed. Now that I was alone without anything to distract me, the weight of what I was doing to Edward started to settle on me. I was lying by omission. I was selfishly trying to keep him for myself, too afraid to think of the possibility of him looking at me in disgust when he knew whose heart I had. A sister's, a link to a past he desperately tried to forget.

It made me sick just thinking about it.

I jumped at the screeching sound at my window, letting my eyes move over to it as fear skittered up my spine. I gasped at what I saw, and then jumped up and raced over to throw the window open and get closer to him.

It crossed my mind as I did that maybe I'd always be itching to get closer to him.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed at Edward, though my face broke out into a massive grin as I did. "It's late. Shouldn't you be like, asleep or something?"

He gazed at me with the most adorable, sheepish expression I'd ever seen. And so I melted at his feet.

"I don't sleep much and I…" He took a steadying breath. "I wanted to see you. I always fucking want to see you."

Birds in my stomach again.

"Let me guess, it pisses you off?"

He moved closer to the window, precariously balancing on the tree limb just outside. "I might be getting accustomed to it after today," he breathed. "Can I come in?"

The way his tongue came out to wet his lips as he stared at my mouth drove me insane with need. "Yes," I practically squeaked.

I turned around and went back toward my bed, lightly sitting on it and gazing up at Edward questioningly. "So… I guess you can sit?"

His eyes went from the bed to me, and back again, before finding the old, wooden rocking chair in the corner of the small room. "I uh, I think I'll just sit there."

I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed thickly and made his way across my tiny room and to my chair. I nearly burst out laughing as soon as he sat down. He looked ridiculous sitting there. But I kept it inside. I didn't want to freak him out any worse than he already seemed to be. His entire being radiated tension, his muscles were tight, his spin rigid. He nearly shook as he sat there and checked everything out, his knee bouncing rapidly as he did.

"Nice room."

"No, it's not," I scoffed. "Are you okay?"

"Not sure," he said honestly. "You… confined space… me… I don't, I mean, I'm not sure it's such a great idea."

Another quick shot of lust went through me, and it was my turn to swallow hard. "I know what you mean."

He looked amazed by my confession.

"Don't be so surprised. You're really hot." My voice grew weaker with every word and my face flushed. "In a weird, unattainable, broody sort of way."

I didn't get a response for longer than was comfortable, and squirmed on the bed nervously. I couldn't look at him, too afraid to see whatever mask or sickened expression that was currently there.

"I'm in love with your ass," he finally said. I shot a look down to check out my waist, like I could really ever see my ass clearly. Or in this case, not at all since I was sitting on the thing. "You can… what's that stupid saying? Bounce quarters off of it."

"Shut up. It's horrible."

"You have no idea how gorgeous you are, do you?" he whispered. "You… you make me ache in ways I never thought possible."

I blushed all the way to my chest with that, and I could have sworn I heard a low groan come from Edward's direction. "Thanks."

He nodded.

"So you uh, you don't sleep?" I asked, trying to get the subject off of anything remotely sexual before I exploded.

"No. Not unless I have to."

It explained the dark circles rooted under his eyes. "How come?"

"Nightmares." I waited for him to elaborate. Unwillingly, he did. "Mostly about my past. The shooting, the weeks in the hospital, all that time I spent in an alley somewhere."

Something unpleasant flickered through his mind, and he went green with the thought.

"Edward? Are you okay?" I asked worriedly. "We can talk about something else."

"Uh…" He scratched at his skin, as if he was trying to scrape away the memory from his very essence, and then ran his hands all over his body as he worked to compose himself. "Yeah, that'd be good. I don't think I can-"

"What do you want to do with your family when we go out? I mean, where do you want to go? I kind of limit the options since I'm underage."

His eyes shone with gratitude. "I hadn't thought about it. Whatever you want to do, I guess, is fine with me."

"I don't know what I want to do," I answered. "I don't know Forks that well still."

"We can have Rosalie pick the place then. Maybe go to Port Angeles?"

"Sure."

His eyes flashed over to the journal sitting on the edge of the bed, and I immediately cursed inwardly for not having put it away.

"You keep a diary?"

"Sort of," I hedged.

He just gave me a level, no-nonsense look.

"I didn't start it until after the transplant," I said on a sigh. "I had a lot of things to deal with."

"As do most people in your situation."

"No," I breathed. "Not like me."

"Bella…" He exhaled sharply through his nose, agitated again for some reason. "There's nothing wrong with you. You're alive because you're supposed to be. You can't think otherwise. If you weren't here… It's just like I said on that fucking cliff. I can't imagine you not around."

I stared at him, speechless from his passion.

"A lot of people feel that way. And some of them, including me, hardly know you. You don't give yourself enough credit." A bitter sound came out of him. "I guess we're a great fucking pair."

"It's just… Someone died, Edward," I said vaguely.

"Yeah, it's shitty. But that girl who donated her organs wanted to make sure someone could benefit from her death. It's not like you stole the heart from her, damn it," he replied tersely. "So enough with the guilt."

But she was stolen from you… her parents…

"I'm trying."

"I know. And you're doing a much better job than my fucked up ass could ever dream of doing. I barely function," he said dryly, "much less live."

I had no idea how to respond to that.

We sat there quietly for a while, neither of us wanting to talk. There was no discomfort, no sexually charged tension, though, like there usually was during the few times that we'd been alone together. It simply was.

Until I yawned.

"I should let you sleep," Edward said hurriedly, fidgeting nervously. "I shouldn't have done this. I'm such a fucking idiot."

I couldn't let him keep berating himself like he was. "Stay?"

"Wh- What?" Large eyes stared back at me in disbelief.

"Stay," I repeated, gathering all of my courage to elaborate. "I don't want you to go. Not yet."

"Okay. Right here, though. I'm just sitting here," he said firmly, glancing over at the bed like it was a shark getting ready to attack.

Again, he was adorable.

"Then I'll go brush my teeth. No trying to escape while I'm gone." I narrowed my eyes jokingly at him.

He rolled his.

I ran through my nightly routine, quickly brushing and flossing my teeth before I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I hadn't expected company so late. I had no make up on, my hair was in a ratty ponytail at the top of my head, and my pajamas… Well, I'd wished I'd have worn a better pair. But there was no use dwelling on it now. Edward had already seen me.

And hadn't really seemed to mind.

I rushed back to my room and peeked over at the rocking chair as I quietly shut the door behind me. He hadn't moved and inch, still sitting there like some stone statue in the corner of my room. I was afraid that if I blinked, he'd disappear.

All of a sudden, I got shy. Edward Cullen was in my room, and I didn't know how exactly to act or what to say… So I got into bed and pulled the covers over me without a word. I reached over and turned the light out, and then released a breath when I heard the rocking chair creak as he shifted his weight.

Footsteps sounded across the room, and then I could feel him standing next to me, gazing down at me in the dark.

I reached out for him, hoping like hell that he didn't run when I touched him. My hand found his and my fingers wound through his, squeezing back encouragingly.

"I think… I think I might want to lie down. Is… Is that okay?"

I didn't speak. I just pulled him down to me and reveled in the way his body felt next to mine. When he was settled on top of the covers, I curled up next to him and closed my eyes, listening to the way his breathing slowly evened out until I was sound asleep, feeling more peaceful than I had since…

Since I'd ever known what hypertrophic cardiomyopathy was.

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><p><strong>Thank you to everyone who voted for Dear Maggie for TLS's Fic of the Week and put it in the top four. The review was amazing, and I'm honored to have something of mine featured with girls like PeppahLouie, Awesomesauce76, SheViking, and Cosmogirl7481 (whom we should all be reading, yes?).<br>**

**www (dot) tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com **

**I'd give you the exact link, but it's really fkn long and no one wants to deal with the shit it takes to make it work. Srsly.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for all the reviews and adds this week. I might have used them to justify an early update. Just so you know ;)**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, and thankies to stephk0525 for prereading everything I've written so far. She's amazingness. I heart her.  
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**Uh, I always forget to include this, because I'm kind of a hermit. I'm on Twitter if you want in. (at)JT040708  
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**Ok, onto some more progress...  
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><p>Chapter 8<p>

**Edward**

Bella shifted next to me, rolling over so that she faced me, and slowly opened her eyes. I'd watched her sleep all night, strangely unable to stop myself from listening to every sigh and sound that had escaped her mouth. She was a talker it seemed, and I'd hung on every word spoken in the night, hoping that something discernible would come out or that I'd get some insight into the girl that I couldn't stay away from.

Infuriatingly, it had been nothing but gibberish. Talk of that girl named Alice and something about missing _pizza_, of all fucking things, was all I could seem to decipher, and it had me plotting to stalk her in the night just to learn everything I could about her.

After all, asking was just entirely too fucking easy.

A smile crossed her face as soon as she blinked me into focus. She was rumpled from sleep and absolutely breathtaking. I had to move back toward the edge of the bed so that I didn't take her and just… rip off her clothes. Drive into her until we both fell into mindless oblivion. Catch my breath.

Repeat the process all over again.

It was nerve-wracking how much my body reacted to just the thought of hers. Every second we were alone was torture, and I wondered idly if I'd always feel this way… if I were even _supposed_ to. It wouldn't surprise me if I were addicted to her. Addiction was, after all, deeply rooted in my family tree.

Which would be the reason why I was currently about to sell my left fucking kidney for a smoke.

"Hi," she whispered, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth, looking embarrassed for some reason.

And then it hit me. She was trying to cover up any morning breath she might have had.

I had the strange urge to laugh again with that, but I just pulled her hand away. "Hi."

She twisted her hand around in mine in a futile effort to get it back up to her lips. "It's bad," she warned. "Like knock you on your ass bad."

"Right." I rolled my eyes.

"It is," she insisted.

"Then why don't you turn your head that way so I don't suffocate?" I said, pointing toward the wall behind her.

She pushed at me a little, her eyes widening as soon as she realized what she'd done. I couldn't have her worrying all of the time; oddly enough, I knew right then that I wanted her to feel comfortable around me. She was the only one I wanted that with, other than the members of my family, and even they weren't able to touch me at will. So I grabbed for her arms and tugged her closer to me, fighting every instinct I had to either run or stake my claim on her.

Because fuck if she didn't look edible in the morning.

"I thought maybe I was dreaming and that you really hadn't snuck into my bedroom last night. Or that maybe yesterday didn't happen at all."

"It happened," I assured her, and I had no fucking clue how it did. One second I was sitting on the shore of First Beach trying to come up with a way to escape this town, these feelings and this girl, and the next I was lying next to her in her room, while her father slept obliviously down the hall, and telling her things I'd never told another soul outside the medical profession. She was so nonjudgmental; nothing I said had fazed her yet, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for that split second when I finally told her a piece of my past and watched as her self-preservation kicked in and she left me to face it all on my own.

Or drive it away again. It made no difference because no matter which I chose, I knew it would hurt to watch her go. And that terrified me even more than all the strange, unknown feelings that had coursed through me these last few weeks. Because opening up to someone, only to have them reject you, would be...

I wasn't exactly sure. Hell, I presumed.

She shifted and sighed, and I had to grit my teeth against the sudden need to skim my fingers over her jaw and through her hair. This view was so new to me, and something I still couldn't imagine seeing every day for as long as I lived, like my parents did. But somewhere down deep I thought that maybe I wanted it, regardless of how I hadn't the slightest idea of how to start living that particular fantasy. Or if it was even possible. I was still the same Edward Cullen that had poison running through his veins.

Maybe Emmett was right. Maybe I wasn't destined to be alone after all. But merging this newfound desire with who I was before seemed impossible. I was so set in my ways, so fucking contaminated…

She reached out and ran her thumb over the frown line that formed between my brows. "Whatever it is you're thinking, stop."

I sighed. "I don't know how to do this."

"You keep saying that," she responded, her annoyance clear, "so why don't you quit trying to figure it out and just take it one day at a time? I'm not any more experienced than you, Edward."

I stared at her in confusion. "What?"

"I've never had a boy…" Blood pooled in her cheeks, and she quickly tried to cover up what she'd started to say. "I mean-"

"Boyfriend," I interjected. "I know what you meant."

I didn't know if that's what I could be considered at this point, but I wasn't about to get hung up on a label. I had enough of that shit on my own.

"Yeah, well, I didn't even have one of those lame kind in kindergarten. I've never kissed anyone or held hands or-"

"What the fuck?" Bella flinched at my harsh tone. "How have you never…? I don't get it, Bella. You're so... so... Why weren't any of those fuckers in Phoenix chasing you down?"

She glanced down to where her hands sat in between us. "I don't know. I was never interesting before, I guess. When I finally got the notice of a boy I liked in high school, I was diagnosed. So…"

I reached up and shoved my hair off of my forehead, searching for the appropriate words to say back to that. But I came up empty.

Jesus, I was a fucking moron sometimes.

"What about you? How inexperienced are you?"

"Uh…" My gut twisted at the one memory I refused to so much as acknowledge, much less confess, and I took a deep breath, hoping for flippancy when I answered. "Same. I've never done the whole girlfriend thing."

She searched my face before she rolled over, knowing how full of shit I was and not to press for more information. Every time she did that, my chest ached with more than simple gratitude. It was inconceivable that I'd met someone else who innately knew me like Esme did.

But here she was, lying beside me with her brown hair in tangles and her t-shirt bunched at her waist, exposing her creamy, smooth stomach...

I jumped off of the bed and retook my post in the rocking chair, running my hands over my hair, my face, my arms... everything I could reach. I shouldn't have been here with her, touching her. With every touch I marred her more, until everything I despised in myself would seep right into her and destroy the things I enjoyed most about her.

I couldn't do it to her.

"I can't... I have to..." I abruptly stood up and strode for the window.

She managed to beat me to it.

"No." She gave me a fierce look. "Stop running from everything, Edward. You will never have any kind of life if you don't."

I blinked rapidly. "What?"

"You will be stuck in this... this _limbo…_ you've forced yourself into forever," she clarified. "If not with me then the next girl. Then the next after that and the next after that..."

I didn't like her talking about the "next girl". I wanted to scream at her to stop, but I couldn't pinpoint why.

So I kept silent and listened to the rest of her speech, the one that had me pegged as a coward and a liar. There wasn't a single day that I didn't lie to someone—to _myself_—about something, a single day that I didn't run away from my past.

"...Over and over again until you're old and senile. And _alone_. You'll be that poor bastard with no one mourning him at his funeral because he pushed them all away."

I gazed at her warily, feeling those words resound in me. Whatever was happening was bigger than either of us could manage alone, and it was completely pointless to keep fighting it. I'd denied the attraction she held for me for too long and was going to find myself sitting in a padded cell soon if I didn't stop. I didn't know why she enticed me the way she did, but I no longer wanted to think about it. Something about this girl made me want to try my hand at living again. Fleeing now would bring me right back to where I was before she stepped into my life. She was helping me find all the scattered pieces of my soul and pasting them back together again... _with _me.

I didn't want to be this broken, defeated, pathetic excuse for a human being anymore.

So I tried to explain why I was so fucked up, hoping that maybe it would settle the current raging inside me. I needed her to know why I was always pushing and pulling at her. I needed her to know all the doubt I had. But most importantly, I needed her to understand me _and_ my life. What it was before and what it is was now. Maybe what it would always be.

"Addiction runs in my family," I started, telling her the very thing I'd been thinking earlier. "It chokes the life out of all of us and every one who cares about us. I can't have that for you. I don't know when it might come or what my addiction will be-"

She took a step closer, stopping my words. "Addiction," she repeated. "That's what this is about?"

_Party. Mostly. Not at all. _

I didn't say any of that aloud, though.

"My biological grandfather was an alcoholic… My supposed _mother_... She was addicted to everything. If she could get her hands on it, she used it. She..." Oh, fuck, I wasn't sure how to explain it without telling her the one thing I'd kept hidden away for so long. "I was hungry a lot of the time because she was too fucking strung out to remember I was around."

Tears welled in her eyes, and her hand came up to rub her chest, something I'd seen her do a few times since she'd arrived. I didn't think she even realized she did it half the time, and it made me wonder what it was about her surgery that had her making that unconscious movement.

And with that, I had a sudden urge to read that brown, leather bound journal sitting on her desk. I wanted it so bad, in fact, my hand twitched at my side, desperate to touch it.

"What the fuck are the tears for?" I questioned, ignoring it. I would never invade Bella's privacy like that. If I could never find it in me to give her what she deserved, I could at least give her this.

Respect.

"Because... I don't... Why didn't she give you up?" she cried softly. "Why didn't the state come and take you away from that? How was it that you were left behind like that?"

I didn't understand her words. They were cryptic somehow, like she knew so much more than what those simple words said. It made no sense to me. She knew nothing about me, because I hadn't let her in before now.

But I tried to answer her anyway.

"She… she was a master at hiding things from people," I sighed, thinking of how I inherited that very same trait. Those who knew me well knew that I was fucked up. They just didn't know the reasons why. "No one knew anything was wrong until it was too late."

"Oh."

"But I mean, she wasn't always like that," I continued. "I don't really remember it, but I remember finding pictures of her before... with whom she always said was my father. She was so beautiful, Bella. Not like the Elizabeth I knew."

It was a pageantry kind of beautiful, perfection that belonged on stage. Her hair was the same strange color of red as mine, and her eyes were this unbelievable shade of green… A green that went dull and glassy as time went on. She was thin with a body most women would die for, and at one time, had the complexion to match.

Then there was her smile. Her smile could light up the room. If I let myself, I could remember feeling so warm and safe and _happy_ when she smiled at me. Bella's smile gave me that same feeling only it was amplified in some way, more intense. Bella was warm and beautiful and happy, just like Elizabeth had been.

Until she discovered how it felt to get high, that is. Then the warmth faded and the smile died. And I was left with a shadow of that woman for my mother.

"What happened to him, your father?"

"I don't know," I replied. I was so ready to shut down again and keep her from digging anything else of my past up, but I forced myself to continue. I wouldn't keep being so hypocritical with her, ferreting out all the information I could about her life while giving nothing up of my own. "Elizabeth didn't tell me, and I never fucking asked. He left me... to rot... with her. He's not worth my time."

"I'm sorry."

"So you see? I can't do that to you, Bella. I can't make you suffer like that."

"You won't," she said emphatically. "You could never hurt anyone like that."

"You don't know-"

"And neither do you."

"But it's in me... I smoke, I drink, I've tried it all, Bella. I tried everything I could to take this pain away," I said, giving her a moment to process my meaning.

When she did, she simply cocked her brow for me to continue. I couldn't think of many other people that would possibly be as accepting as her. It was unbelievable.

"I want..." I shook my head. "No,_ crave_ you already. I feel it all the time, taunting me. You don't know what I am, what I've done..."

"Then tell me," she breathed.

But I couldn't. The words, no matter how much I wanted them to, simply wouldn't come.

Involuntarily, I inched closer to her. I searched for something to hang on to and save me from this magnetism that kept forcing us together. But there was nothing to grab, nothing to ground myself to. Nothing but Bella standing before me... watching, waiting.

Hoping.

And then suddenly my mouth was on hers. Her lips were plump and ripe and melded perfectly to mine. My blood spiked the second my tongue slid over hers. My heart raced when she clung to my shirt and pulled me closer, silently begging for more. She tasted like sunlight and smelled like coconut, of all things. She made every inch of me come alive.

She made me forget who I was, who I am, my name... my flaws. I lost myself in her every time I touched her, looked at her. She pulled me in; she numbed the ache, yet somehow made me feel again, so much more than I was ready for.

I pressed her against the wall, making sure every line of my body touched every curve of hers. Her hands were in my hair, grabbing at it and trying to get me even closer to her. She shifted against me in the most incredible way, and a low groan bubbled up in my chest. Fuck, I wanted her naked and wrapped around me. I wanted to make her scream out a thousand obscenities as she came. I wanted to feel her pliant and clinging to me afterward, burrowing her head against my chest as she slept. I wanted to fall asleep with her and not be woken up by nightmare after nightmare, memory after memory. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be loved.

But it was more than that now. I just wanted _her_.

With a jerk of my head, I broke away from her, panting and staring down at her in shock. I hadn't planned to do anything that... _significant _with her anytime in the foreseeable future—if ever. Yet I did. And I had no idea how it'd happened. It just the few short hours that I'd been with her, I'd managed to give up trying to stay away from Bella Swan and doing the complete opposite.

I'd attacked her. I'd overstepped my bounds and given into that craving I had for her, practically devouring-

Her smile stopped my internal rambling. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were swollen from how hard I'd kissed her. She didn't say anything for a while, likely trying to get her bearings as I was. And when she did, my heart stopped.

"Wow," she rasped. "That was just... huh. Hands down, best first kiss ever."

Dazed. That's what she was. I'd done that to her, but I didn't know if I should be pleased or not; I'd never been in this situation before.

Something swelled up inside me, anyway.

"I have to go," I murmured. "The chief will be up soon, and you have work."

A pout formed on her lips, and I suddenly found myself hurriedly trying to make it go away.

"I'll pick you up, though," I offered. "We can have lunch later too?"

It worked. She broke out into a gorgeous grin, and I nearly bent down to kiss her again. Stunned with myself, I stepped further away from her.

"That'd be nice. See you soon?"

"Yeah," I answered, hopping up on the window ledge to get out of here before I did something stupid. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

* * *

><p>I was nervous as fucking hell as I waited outside the car for Bella. I fidgeted with my t-shirt until I realized how stupid I looked and then shoved them down in my pockets instead. I couldn't stop wishing like mad for a smoke. It'd been over twenty-six hours since I'd had one. Twenty-six hours, eleven minutes, and… fifty-five seconds.<p>

Not that I was counting or anything.

But I wasn't just anxious because I was going through nicotine withdrawals, despite the fact that I was wearing one of those stupid fucking patches on my arms. Now that I was here, in public, I was realizing how much I didn't deserve to be walking beside Bella, having her smile at me, or holding my hand, even, as we walked through the doors. It was wrong for her to want it, wrong for me to let her. Damn it, I wanted to just push her back into my Volvo and head up the trail again, or maybe spend all day sitting in her room. At least there I felt more like her equal and not the street trash I was. Here in reality, it was all magnified and staring right at me.

I was, without a doubt, wholly unworthy of her.

"Where do you want to go for lunch?" Bella asked cheerfully, carefully shutting the car door behind her.

"Um, I uh..." I ran my hand through my hair and waited for my heart to beat out of my chest and onto the asphalt as she neared. I'd had the same reaction when she'd rushed out of Chief Swan's house earlier with her gauzy, cream colored dress billowing behind her with the wind, and I swallowed thickly as I tried to get a handle on it.

She giggled at my inability to communicate, causing my eyes to narrow a little defensively. I had to make a conscious effort not to lash out at her, forcing myself to remember that this was normal interaction between two people and that I'd seen it nearly every day with my parents or Emmett and Rosalie. She giggled not out of malice, but because the idiotic stuttering I did somehow made her happy.

Though I really couldn't see how.

"You look good," I muttered.

"Why, thank you." She did a little twirl, and I felt a smile pull at my lips. She was so damned joyful this morning.

I wondered if maybe I had something to do with it.

She abruptly stopped and stared up at me. "Oh, was that a smile?" she breathed in awe.

"Not quite." At least, I didn't think it was.

"Ah, shit." She did that pout again, the one that made my chest tighten uncomfortably. "What do I have to do to get you to smile?"

"I'm… I don't really know," I admitted honestly. "I don't usually have a reason to. You're the only thing that makes me even remotely happy these days."

"That's sad, Edward. Really, really sad."

Tell me about it.

"So anyway, back to lunch. How about that sandwich shop up the road? I hear they have good salads."

"Yeah, fine. Whatever." I was going to be so worried about trying not to snap at her that I doubted I'd be eating much of anything. So it really didn't matter where we went later.

"Go smoke," she said knowingly.

"What?"

"Go..." She glanced around the parking lot. "Go by the sign and smoke. Then we can go in. You look like you're about to combust. It's kind of funny, but I think that maybe if I laugh, you might bite my head off."

I gave her an annoyed look, locking my teeth together so I didn't, in fact, bite her head off.

"Go," she repeated. "You'll feel better afterwards."

"No, I..." I scrubbed at my scalp angrily. "I really should quit."

"So why haven't you?"

"Didn't give enough a shit about what it was doing to my body to?"

"And you do now?"

"I... I'm not sure yet," I responded.

She sighed and took a step closer to me, her fingers grazing over mine. "Last one, then. It can be like some sort of freaky cleansing ritual."

One I highly doubted would work, but if she insisted I do it, I knew I would. Something in me wanted to please her all of the time.

I didn't think I necessarily liked it. Or maybe I did, and I just wasn't aware of it yet.

Fucking hell, this was confusing.

I hurried away from Bella and over to the shop's sign at the road before I could think about that any more. I had a feeling if I made any kind of attempt to figure it out, I'd be shoving her away out of frustration again. And that was the last thing I wanted, to push her away. I may have had moments of anxiousness or discomfort with her, but it was because I didn't have any idea how to act around people, and I was finding that I constantly second guessed every word said between us. It had nothing to do with Bella herself. I wanted her with me.

I knew it with everything I was now.

The cigarette seemed to be gone before I could blink. I flicked the stub out onto the road and turned back toward Bella, feeling more relaxed than I had in days. I wasn't sure if it was the nicotine that was now in my system or if that ridiculous cleansing ritual Bella had referred to actually worked. Whatever it was, I went with it, rushing back to where that beautiful girl stood and took her hand in mine, interlacing our fingers together and leading her inside.

_Like ripping off a Band-Aid…_

Bella stopped us as soon as we reached the door. "Are you sure?" she asked, chewing on her lips as she stared down at our joined hands.

No, but it didn't matter. For some reason, I needed to prove to myself that I was good enough to have Bella on my arm, in spite of every kind of fucked up mutation my DNA had.

With a deep breath, I nodded and pulled open the door. The second Bella came through it slammed behind us, alerting everyone to the fact that we were here.

But it wasn't as big of a deal as I'd made it out to be. We weren't exactly the center of attention; most of the guys didn't even glance away from the vehicles they were working on. There were a few double takes as we walked further inside, a few sets of eyes darting to where I held Bella's hand in mine, but mostly, no one was surprised to see us together.

Not even my brother.

He smirked behind the hood of an old Chevelle, and I knew he was watching us, even though I could never seem to catch his gaze. I walked with Bella to her office, gave her hand a quick squeeze before releasing it, and then made my way over to grab the next clipboard on the wall.

I found the matching set of keys hanging beside it, and headed out to the parking lot to get the first job of the day, fully expecting some asinine remark to come from Emmett's mouth now that I was alone. But there was nothing.

I eventually got the car up on the lift and an oil pan set under the chassis. I went to drain the oil, and finally couldn't fucking take it anymore.

"Just say it, Emmett."

He flashed me a grin, a triumphant, cocky grin that had my hands balling up into fists at my sides. "I fucking knew it when Mom told Rosie you'd gone hiking with her. I knew it."

"There's nothing to know. I like her, but I'm just…"

"Lost."

"Yeah," I sighed.

"So how was it, the hike?"

"Fine." He waited for me to elaborate. "It was good. I… She's… I don't know. She gets me, I guess. Enough that I ended up sneaking back to her house and climbing through her window to be with her some more."

Emmett laughed once. "And Chief Swan didn't catch you?"

"No."

"Well, you have bigger fucking balls than I thought you did. Either that, or your suicidal."

I shook my head at him.

"Next time, though, you might want to try knocking on the door like every other boyfriend on the planet."

"I'm not her boyfriend," I argued stupidly.

He gave me a long, sideways glance that told me otherwise.

"I only did it because I wanted to be alone with her. I didn't think Chief Swan would really want that."

Judging from the looks he'd given me recently, anyway.

"No, why would he? You're only trying to fuck his only daughter," he said sarcastically.

"Emmett," I warned.

"And you're only both adults…"

I huffed because I realized how much of an inexperienced douche I really was.

"… Who, if I remember correctly, will be going to the same school this fall. Why would he ever try to cockblock you?"

"Wait a second, Bella's going to UDub?"

"Yes," he said slowly.

_Huh. _

Running to Seattle would have been completely useless. Knowing my luck, I'd have slammed into her on the first fucking day.

"Listen, I told her I wanted to do something with her, but I don't think… I mean, I don't know… She suggested that you guys come with us. And I think that's probably wise."

Especially after this morning. I didn't think I'd be able to keep my hands off her anymore.

"Oh?" Emmett's smile widened. "It's totally understandable that you'd want to fuck her brains out. Like I said before: she's hot."

I cocked my head to the side and gave him a baleful look. "Keep talking about her like that."

He gave me a little shrug of concession. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Port Angeles, maybe? I thought Rosie could plan something."

"I'll ask her later. Maybe we can get Jasper to come with, so it's not exactly like a double date."

Date. I almost threw up with the word.

"Friday night cool with you?"

I swallowed down my nerves and nodded before heading back over to start changing the miscellaneous filters and filling the reservoir up with fresh oil. My eyes flickered over to Bella's office, just as she'd looked in my direction. She gave me a warm smile and went back to work, leaving me here to try to calm my fears on my own.

But I knew, rationally, that there was reason to be anxious like I was.

No reason at all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you for the reviews, adds, and well wishes this week! My kiddo is much, much better :)**

**Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing this, and to stephk0525 for prereading. I love you both.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 9<p>

**Bella**

"_Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to you..."_

"Son of a fucking bitch," Edward snarled, giving Emmett an angered look. "I hate you."

Jesus, was he hot like that.

I blinked out of my lustful haze as Emmett laughed with glee. He carried the large, chocolate frosted cake over to where Edward stood. "You don't. At all."

More obscenities came pouring out of Edward's mouth, making my own drop a little, before Emmett finally placed the cake on the hood of the car Edward had been toying with.

"Make a wish, Edward."

"It's not my birthday, you cocksucker."

"So I'm off a few days," Emmett said with a shrug. "Makes for a better surprise."

Edward fumed, clenching his jaw as he glared at his brother. A few beats went by, and then Edward relented, leaning forward and blowing out the two candles on the cake.

That hard stare never left Emmett's face.

"Party in the staff lounge," Emmett announced as he picked the cake back up. "Mom made a shitton of food and brought it over before she went to Seattle this morning. The girls get to go first, though. Otherwise, Rosie says she won't get any. Then neither will I, and we can't have that."

Rosalie stood up on her toes to kiss Emmett's cheek. "Thank you," she said cheerfully. "Come on, Bella. Esme is an amazing cook."

"Um, I uh..." My eyes darted around the room before settling on Edward, needing the confirmation that this was, in fact, what he was doing. He stared back at me unemotionally for a split second, and then turned away to file through the door with everyone else.

"I'm coming," I finally said, only when Rosalie had disappeared behind the door that led to the staff lounge, I turned to head back to my office. I didn't want to contribute any to Edward's discomfort.

Jasper was standing there with a smirk on his face, and I had this sudden urge to beat my head against the wall.

"What?"

"Don't like cake?" he returned, the smirk never leaving his lips.

I'd seen Jasper nearly every day since I started working here. He'd never offered me any more information about himself, and I hadn't asked. Our conversations typically tended to be meaningless and full of surface nonsense; at least, they had since that first outburst of mine when I saw his burns. The narcissistic part of me would have liked to say that all of this time spent around me was because he couldn't get enough of the girl who'd just moved to town, but I knew it wasn't that at all.

We were connected because we each knew something about the other that we wanted kept quiet. Circumstance had made us this way.

"I'm a girl," I answered. "Of course I'm into cake. Chocolate, especially."

"So that means that cake should give you the mother of all orgasms, right?" His brow cocked playfully.

"Definitely." At least, I was assuming so. I hadn't really had that mind-blowing orgasm yet. Something told me that my hand just wasn't as good as the real thing, and I'd always been too chickenshit to go buy a toy. Of course, my eyes involuntarily shifted to the door just to my left... where Edward was.

Pushing that from my mind, I tried to move past Jasper and into the office, but he quickly took a step so that he was in my way.

"It's mandatory that you deal with the idiocy of the other employees here. Goes with the territory of being one of us now." He flashed me that perfect smile of his.

"Maybe I don't want to be one of you," I joked, but deep down, I knew I did. I wanted to fit in, but I wasn't sure if I should yet. I might have gotten along with everyone in the Cullen family famously, but there was always that niggling sense of guilt when I spoke to them. I was masquerading around like a normal teenage girl—well, one who'd had a heart transplant, that is. None of them knew what my true intentions were when it came to Edward.

Then there was Edward himself. "Unpredictable" was not really the proper word to describe him. He was warm and friendly one day, and closed off and bitter the next. He confused me, and I knew more about him than I probably should have.

I was beginning to think there would never be any figuring him out.

"Liar. Come on. Rosalie wasn't kidding when she said my mom was an awesome cook." He held out his hand, hoping to convince me to come with him. "Please?"

"I don't know, Jasper," I said, chewing on my lips and twisting around to glance back at the door. "He was so pissed..."

"Well, yeah," he said, like it was the stupidest comment ever.

"Then why do you guys do it?"

"Because Emmett wants to. He knows Edward hates it, but it's like..." He exhaled sharply. "He keeps hoping that maybe one year, Edward will _want_ to celebrate it."

My chest tightened with the thought. Even I let everyone celebrate my birthday, and I hated being made over like that. But it was more for them than it was for myself, especially now after living through the nightmare that was the transplant list. I couldn't imagine being so miserable that I didn't even want them to be happy on that day. Seeing my family's faces light up always had been a quick way to brighten my mood.

"Man, you really like him," he commented, assessing my mood perfectly.

Startled, I didn't really know how to respond. So I said the first thing that popped into my head. "Uh, what?"

"Edward," he elaborated. "You really like him, don't you? It's not just bullshit."

I blushed hard. "I like him as well as I can, I guess. I still don't really know him."

"None of us do, Bella. That's another thing that goes with the territory."

"How can you all be so blasé about the whole thing?"

"All?"

"Rosalie said something similar on my first day," I replied.

"I see."

"Don't you worry about him?"

The playful smile faded, replaced by a grave look. "Of course we do. Every day we do. But we live with him. You don't."

"But-"

He cut off my protest, "It's like this: we know when to push him and when not to. If you try to force him into doing something big he... he blows up. Only my mother has ever been able to sweet talk her way into getting what she wants with him. And I think it's just because he has a soft spot for her."

"A soft spot," I repeated.

"Yeah. She was the one who found him in the hospital."

I scowled. "Why exactly are you telling me this?"

"Because you're making him a better person."

I scoffed. "You're nuts."

"We all see it, Bella. Every one of us but you. He detailed your truck, for God's sake."

"So?"

"You know he's never offered to do anything for anyone before?"

"Seriously?"

He nodded his confirmation. "You're the only person on this planet I've ever known him to reach out to. He tends to be oblivious to anyone else's needs."

"So he's selfish," I responded, although, it wasn't really a surprise. It was no secret that Edward got lost in his head sometimes.

"He doesn't know any other way."

He wiggled his fingers, bringing my attention to his hand again, and gave me that same, perfect smile. The subject was closed now, and I understood why. Edward was his brother, whom he loved dearly. He couldn't betray him by giving me the sordid details of his life.

Which was just as well; I would have rather learned it all on my own.

"Come _on_, Bella. I'm hungry."

"Fine," I grumbled, placing my hand in Jasper's. It was nothing like when Edward held my hand, clasped over mine in a friendly way, rather than intertwined and making my stomach flutter. It felt off, but I let Jasper drag me to the lounge, anyway, and found that everyone was gathered around a rectangular table covered in food. My brows crept up to my hairline, shocked that Esme had enough time to do all of this. When I was done gawking at the food, I glanced around the room and found Edward staring at me again. Or more specifically, my hand.

I instantly yanked it free from Jasper's and dropped it to my side. My entire body flushed for reasons I couldn't place. I wasn't doing anything wrong, exactly, but I still felt guilty for letting it happen. And Jasper... Jasper had just been trying to get me to be a little more social, making sure I really did fit in around here.

Right?

Doubt crept over me, and my eyes instantly shifted over to Jasper in panic. But he was no longer paying attention to me, too busy locking his stare with his brother's from across the room.

Edward looked like he was ready to kill him.

"I'm going to um," I coughed nervously, "grab some food before I get my ass kicked for holding up the line."

I hurried past Jasper and to the table, unable to look at either Edward or him as I did. I filled my plate up with miscellaneous pasta dishes and appetizers, and then ran to the chair in the corner, hoping to escape.

No luck.

Before I knew it, Edward had somehow been shoved into a seat next to me.

Shit.

"Happy birthday?" I said awkwardly, hoping what I was giving him resembled a smile.

He searched his pockets for his cigarettes, pulling them out and setting them down on the table with a blue BIC between us. I idly wondered why he still had them, if it was because he wanted to smoke one and simply wouldn't with me around, but I kept my mouth shut. He was in a foul enough mood as it was.

"What the fuck ever."

I huffed and stared down at my hands, willing for some sort of calm to come over me. I thought that we'd gotten past all this; that spending an entire afternoon, and subsequently the night afterward, together had changed things between us. I thought that he would just _talk_ to me.

"Edward…"

"Bella…" he mocked.

It felt like we were back at square one again. And right then, I realized how disappointed I was that he was still the same dick I'd had the displeasure of knowing. Nothing had changed at all. That openness, the honesty that had poured out of his mouth, had been just a fluke.

"Stop it," I sighed unhappily.

He didn't seem to breathe for a moment, and then forced all of the air out of his lungs at once. "You uh, you like my brother or something?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, despising myself for the way his voice sounded, so rough... sad. "No," I whispered.

"Didn't look that way."

"Edward, he was just dragging me to your party," I replied, hoping that my voice wasn't a squawk of panic. "He caught me sneaking to my office. I didn't want to contribute to your discomfort."

"Uh-huh."

"Why are you making such a big deal about this? It's Jasper, for crying out loud. I've been around him for weeks now."

"I'm not," he said with a sneer. "Just trying to figure out if the new girl wants to sink her claws into me or my brother."

"My claws?"

"Yeah, claws," he said unapologetically. "Most girls do because of who our parents are."

Money. Edward was referring to the Cullen's money.

Thoroughly insulted, I picked up my plate and shot up out of my chair. "What makes you think you can just waltz up to me and say shit like that? You think that since you have 'baggage' that makes you entitled to be a dick somehow?"

He looked stunned by my outburst. Hell, I was too, to be quite honest. I was probably making a scene, but I didn't care. I could not keep getting on this spinning wheel with him.

"Because it doesn't," I seethed. "You know me well enough to know that I don't give a shit about your money, Edward. You're just looking for an excuse to push me away."

I dumped my plate in the trash as I fled the room, not stopping until I threw myself into my chair at my desk. God, I wanted to pack my things and go, head up to Seattle a couple of months early and forget that I'd ever had this harebrained scheme.

But no matter how enticing it was, I couldn't force myself to move.

I could hear the door squeak as it was pulled back a little, and I didn't have to look over to know whom it was. I knew it was Edward from the tugging sensation in my chest.

"Come back to insult me some more?" I asked bitingly.

His sigh had me finally letting my eyes shift to his. So much sorrow was held in them, I had to pull in a deep breath with how badly my chest ached at seeing it. I always felt something for Edward, no matter how rude he was.

"I don't like being the center of attention," he murmured, coming to sit in the chair Jasper had sat in during my training. He fell in it unceremoniously and waited anxiously for me to respond.

"Same here."

"Yeah?"

"God, yes," I admitted on a sigh of my own.

The tension in his body eased slightly as he shifted and leaned in a little closer to me. "How so?"

"My mother has always fawned over me, for as long as I can remember. And then after I was admitted into the hospital that first time..." My throat constricted against the words for some reason, and I ended up just giving him a small smile instead. "Well, I don't like it. It makes me feel claustrophobic."

He pondered that for a minute. "Don't let my bullshit ruin your day."

"Bullshit? Birthday bullshit or me bullshit?" He might have given up trying to keep clear of me, but there was something that lingered under it all, almost as if he was harboring his own secret. And because of that, we could never really simply be together. There was always this undercurrent of deceit tainting everything we did or said.

Or maybe I was just projecting.

Surprise flickered over his features at my bluntness. "Both."

"Hmm. You know, if you've changed your mind, you don't have to talk to me at all. I thought I made that point perfectly clear the day my truck broke down."

"You did… I…" He dragged his hands through his hair, sending it up on its ends.

"I'm a big girl," I said evenly, but really, I wanted to cling to him and tell him otherwise. "I can take it."

"I didn't change my mind," he breathed. "I just… I don't like seeing you with anyone else. I don't know how to react to this…"

"Possessiveness?" I supplied.

"I guess so." He paused. "So Jasper says you like chocolate cake?"

I answered his question with one of my own. "If you were so pissed off, why were you talking to Jasper about me?"

"I have no fucking clue," he muttered. "I need a smoke, Bella."

A giggle bubbled up out of my chest with his randomness. "I figured as much in the lounge. Do you want me to tell you no?"

He shook his head. "I want you to tell me it's fine as long as I'm not anywhere near you."

"It's not. I would like to see you live long enough to be that badass surgeon you're going to school for."

"You know about that?"

"Of course. This is Forks, Edward."

He let out a dry sound with that. "So that's a no on the cigarette, then."

"That'd be a no," I confirmed.

He grumbled under his breath. "Shit. You're going to kill me."

"No, I'm not. I'm going to save you."

An emotion flashed in his eyes, gone so quickly, I didn't have time to think about it. "Okay, I'll just go out to the car and put on another goddamned patch."

"Thank you."

"Go get some of that cake, yeah? Rosie's pestering the hell out of me to get you back in there. Says she's tired of being the only girl around here or some shit."

"All right."

"And don't fucking touch anyone else." His face softened as he reached out to cup my face. "You only touch me."

I fought back a shiver uselessly and nodded. "Mm-kay."

"And I only touch you," he murmured.

"Yeah?" I whispered, searching his face. I wanted to kiss him, to feel him give that part of himself that he'd given only me. I'd longed for his lips to find mine again all week long.

A photo of Maggie flashed in my mind, and I instantly felt guilty. But it wasn't enough to stop me from wanting him, needing him.

I didn't think anything would.

"Yes. Bella..." His voice was utterly delicious with desire, but he never attempted to close the distance between us. He licked his lips and let his eyes drop down to my mouth, leaning forward ever so slowly…

We broke away from each other when a throat cleared at my door, both of us glancing over with completely different expressions. Mine was full of embarrassment, clear from the heat in my cheeks, and Edward's was full of annoyance and venom for being interrupted.

"Uh..." Emmett ran his hand through his short, dark curls. "That's going to take some getting used to."

"What the hell do you want?" Edward spat. His hands dropped to my waist, squeezing at my hips as he stared up at his brother.

It was the only thing keeping me firmly in place. My body still hummed from our almost-kiss, and it was all I could do to keep the ounce of integrity I had left and not jump in his lap to make out with him, Emmett's presence be damned.

"I know you're pissed…"

"Fuck off," was all Edward said in return.

"Edward," I said softly. His eyes snapped to mine. "Come on."

I could see his jaw clench angrily as he stared back at me. But he never said a word.

Emmett took that as his opportunity to speak. "Look, I threw the party because I figured that if I waited until your birthday, you'd be even more pissed off. At least this way, everyone here will have already made over you and will leave you alone on the actual day. You can go… pretend like it doesn't exist or whatever."

He turned around and abruptly left the room before Edward could say anything. I sat there and chewed on my cheek, watching as Edward turned Emmett's words over in his head.

"He's right, you know. I'd be even more pissed off if he'd have waited until my actual birthday."

"Why?"

"There were some years that I simply hated it because it represented the day that I was brought into this world. If it didn't exist then neither would I. Now…" He shrugged, his eyes burning into mine. "Wishing I'd never existed, no matter how shitty my life was at the time, would mean that I'd never meet my family… or you."

The last word was spoken so quietly, I wondered if maybe I'd just imagined it.

"Anyway," he said, clearing his throat and releasing me from his grasp. "Go. I need to get that other patch, and then I'll be right there."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure, Bella. Just go."

* * *

><p>"Try this one," Rosalie suggested, throwing a hot pink bunch of fabric in my direction.<p>

I managed to catch it just before it hit the ground, and then held it out, a scowl forming on my face as I tried to figure out where the hell the tank top came from.

"Where'd you get it? I didn't think I owned anything this color."

"You don't," she answered, checking her cherry red lipstick out in the small compact mirror she'd pulled out of her purse. "It's mine."

I turned it around and saw how low the neckline dropped in the front. There was no way I was wearing it, because there would be no hiding my scar if I did. "Rose, no. I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it'll show my-"

"Tits?" she finished, smiling at me innocently. But the look in her eyes dared me to challenge her, like she knew exactly what I was attempting to hide.

My mind raced as I tried to figure out how she would have known, who would have told her. All I could think of was Edward or Jasper... But I knew instantly that I was being ridiculous. Never in a million years would either of them say anything.

Not with all their history.

"How'd you know?" I asked warily.

"Saw the scar when you went to get your ID out of your purse at your interview," she said nonchalantly.

"Oh."

She adjusted her own tits in the sling she liked to call a shirt and gave me a sidelong glance. "So what's it from?"

"Surgery," I answered evasively.

"Well, thank you, Captain Fucking Obvious," she snickered. "Care to be specific about it?"

"No. Not really."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like to talk about it," I replied.

"Not even with Edward?"

"Umm..."

"So he knows," she deduced.

"Yes."

She laughed, a sound that reminded me of Emmett's loud guffaw. "Oh, boy. How'd he take it?"

"He..." I shook my head, deciding not to tell her anything of our hike together. It wasn't anyone's business, really, not even Edward's family's. "Let's just say he reciprocated."

"Holy shit, are you serious? Like... he told you things about himself?" she asked, a stunned look on her face.

I nodded.

"That's all you're going to tell me, isn't it?"

"Yep."

She looked at me incredulously before sighing. "Fine. If you're not going to talk to me about anything, then at least put the damned shirt on, you tease."

I giggled under my breath and started for the door, intent on changing in the bathroom like I always did. Only I stopped after just a couple of steps. Rosalie already knew about my scar, so there was no use hiding it from her. I'd changed in front of Alice thousands of times. And like Alice, I knew Rosalie was a friend; this situation was no different.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. With Alice, there would never be any of the awkward self-doubt like there would be if I stripped down to my bra and panties in front of Rosalie. Alice was beautiful in her own way, yes, but Rosalie was blindingly gorgeous.

And Alice was... home.

I finally said 'to hell with it' and ripped off my t-shirt, hurriedly replacing it with the hot pink top Rosalie had loaned me before she had a chance to really examine my scar while it was in plain sight. I fidgeted with the shirt as I stared in the mirror, not realizing I was shaking my head vehemently until Rosalie came up behind me and nodded hers.

Her violet eyes were trained on my face when she spoke, not the portion of my scar the shirt revealed. "Own it, Bella," she murmured, toying with a lock of my hair.

"I can't do it," I gasped, nearly seized with panic. To have everyone staring at me... "I-"

"Has Edward seen it?" she asked calmly.

I blinked once, surprised by her question. "Yeah."

"And does he care?" When I didn't answer, she rephrased her question. "Has he given you any reason to think that anyone—or he—would be disgusted by it?"

"Well... No." It'd seemed like quite the opposite, actually. Edward had seemed... mesmerized by it.

"Then why does it matter?"

"Because I feel like a freak," I whispered.

"We're all freaks in some way," she said as she backed away from me. "But you're wearing that shirt."

"Rose-"

She suddenly beamed, her eyes sparkling excitedly. "I just heard a car pull up. It seems like Edward's just as anxious as you."

"Wh- What?" I stammered, nerves fluttering in my stomach again. I checked my appearance in the mirror, pulling at the top in a futile attempt to cover my scar.

"You look fine. Stop worrying so damned much."

Said the woman who looked like she could have stepped right out of a magazine.

I didn't have a chance to respond, because she was thrusting my purse at me, and then practically dragging me toward the bedroom door.

"What are we doing, anyway?" I sighed as we started down the steps.

She grinned. "We're hitting the batting cages. So grab your Nikes on the way out."

"Batting cages as in baseball?" My face scrunched up. "I don't know how to play."

Her smile turned calculating. "We'll see."

Charlie rushed in from the kitchen to answer the door, stopping just as he spotted us descending the stairs. His mouth dropped open slightly, shocked with my appearance, and then he found his wits again smiled warmly at our guest.

"Hi, Rosalie. I didn't realize you were here."

"Hi, Chief Swan," Rosalie said pleasantly. "I'm just picking Bella up. We're taking her out tonight."

My dad's eyebrow quirked and his gaze found mine. "Oh, really? Where to?"

"We're going to the batting cages," I muttered petulantly. I was going to look ridiculous in front of each and every Cullen tonight. I couldn't even remember hitting a ball... ever... in my lifetime.

"In Port Angeles," Rosalie added, bending over to grab my shoes and tossing them over to me. "After dinner."

"Good luck with that," he laughed.

Rosalie pulled the door open, bypassing Edward in order to go greet Emmett, who was leaning against her red M3. I was pretty sure my dad was watching everything closely, but I never saw it.

All I saw was Edward. His hair. His eyes. The way his jeans sat low on his hips, and the way his Exies shirt clung to the muscles in his long, lean body.

My face broke out into a delighted smile as his gaze dragged over me, darkening ever so slowly as he caught sight of my breasts peeking out of the top of my shirt. His lips twitched with some unknown thought, and he shook his head, taking a moment to run both of his hands through his hair and concentrate on my father.

"Hello, Chief Swan," he said smoothly.

"Edward," Charlie answered uncomfortably.

Charlie shot me a look of disapproval as I took a step out the door, and I was only able to mouth, 'I know' back before Edward was capturing my attention again.

"Ready?" Edward whispered.

"Sure."

We were off the front stoop and far from my father's prying ears before I spoke again.

"The Exies, huh?" I asked with another smile.

"All music," he said in explanation.

"So I see. But tell me, are you ugly, Edward?" I teased. "Really?"

His steps faltered, and he glanced over at me with wide eyes. I had a feeling I'd finally pushed it too far until one side of his lips lifted in what could only be described as an attempt at a smile.

"She's an Exies fan," he mumbled incredulously.

"Sort of."

He huffed. "I shouldn't be letting you do this, Bella."

"Do what, exactly?"

"Get close to me."

I reached out and touched his arm, waiting until he relaxed a little before I let go. "When did I ever give the impression that you could_ let_ me do anything?"

He didn't reply back to that.

Edward walked to the passenger's side of his Volvo with me and opened the door, surprising me a little with his chivalry; I didn't think he had it in him.

"I see Rosalie got a hold of you," he said lowly, his eyes flipping up to make sure my father wasn't watching us. Satisfied with what he saw, his fingers came up to trace over the line of my scar, his green gaze now directed so that he could see every second his skin connected with mine.

"Yeah," I breathed shakily. His hand suddenly fell to his side, so I slipped inside, only to notice that no one was in the car with me. My eyes darted up to where Rosalie's car was once parked. They'd already gone too.

It was just the two of us.

I swallowed audibly. "Where's uh... where's everyone at?"

"They all crammed into Rosie's car," he said tightly.

"I-" Oh, shit. "Are you sure about this?"

"Not really."

He shut the door and started around to the driver's side before I could say anything else. The second he dropped down in his seat and closed us in together, Edward's scent flooded my nose, making it so I couldn't move. Not that I'd want to anyway. This fire he started in me when we were alone was... divine. Sinfully divine, as much of an oxymoron as that was. But I had no other words for it. I shouldn't want to feel this, and yet I did. It was... addictive.

No wonder Edward was terrified of it.

I held onto the base of my seat the entire way to Port Angeles, pretty sure that if I let go, I'd find myself in Edward's lap doing... things that would cause us to wreck. And I was worried enough about that already.

Edward's driving was maniacal.

The tires screeched as he slid into a parking space outside a small building in downtown Port Angeles. I pried my fingers off the seat and reached for the door handle only to find that Edward's mouth was suddenly on me... _he_ was all over me. His hands roamed my body, grazing over my breasts as they moved down to my hips. He grabbed me tightly and pulled me closer to him, but not close enough so that our bodies could connect like I so desperately wanted. It was almost as if he was using my body to ground himself. Like he was trying not to lose control.

Oh, how I wanted him to lose control.

I moaned a little in his mouth, trying to get a few words out but finding it absolutely useless. So I threw my arms around his neck, literally wrenching myself out of his grasp to get closer to him. I didn't know what I expected to happen here in plain sight—in the car—but I just couldn't stop. I suddenly needed so much more than he was willing to give me.

The second my chest pushed against his, he growled warningly, "Bella, fuck... Stop. Now."

"I- I can't," I stuttered against his lips.

"Shit."

Jasper's fist pounded at the roof of Edward's car, causing us each to leap away from each other. I touched my lips, now completely numb. Nothing could describe the complexity of the way it felt when he kissed me. He made me ache. He made me content. He made me feel safe.

He made me feel horrible.

I glanced over at Edward and found that hard mask was back, the fury in his eyes searing into mine. He'd set up every last one of his defenses again, and then some.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella. What the fuck was that?" he ground out, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

"I don't know. What were you doing?"

"Fucking trying to ward of an attack. What'd you think I was doing?"

"You attacked me first, jackass!"

That was met with a glare.

"Okay. You find me so revolting? I'll ride home with Rosalie, then," I shot back nastily.

I could see his jaw slacken slightly, but I didn't care. I kept my eyes forward, ignoring everyone inside and outside the car.

His hand reached over to grab mine, and my eyes involuntarily snuck over to his. Damn it, I hated how much of a hold he had over me. It made it impossible to stay angry with him.

"I was surprised," he said slowly. "I'm not used to..."

"What?"

He swallowed hard, like he was determined to get the words out. "I'm not used to feeling this way about someone."

"Feeling how?" I pressed.

His tongue flicked out to wet his lips. "Like I want to fuck you."

Well, that was unexpected.

"Sex is..." he continued as he pulled at his hair, "I don't... I haven't... Fuck. Forget it."

"I know the name of my donor," I blurted out, immediately slapping my hand over my mouth.

"What?" Edward turned so that his entire body was facing me. "How? They're anonymous."

"I made Charlie look her up."

"That's probably one of the stupidest fucking things someone like you could do," he replied harshly.

"I know," I acknowledged, clamping down on the need to say any more.

We didn't say anything for a while, both of us listening to Emmett's muffled whine about eating without us if we didn't hurry the fuck up.

"What's her name?" Edward eventually whispered.

My heart slammed against my ribcage, either in response from his question or from our earlier kiss. I couldn't tell. I reached up to feel it, memorizing the way it thrummed through my skin since I so rarely got to feel it like this these days.

Edward's hand slid under mine, his eyes trained on the spot.

Another couple of seconds of silence.

"Her name?" he prompted again.

I took a deep breath. "Maggie."

I waited for something—anything—a flash of recognition as I finally let go of the one word I'd been holding onto all this time, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong.

Only there was nothing, not a single spark, confirming what I'd assumed to be right from everything I'd been told about Maggie.

Edward didn't know that she had ever existed.

* * *

><p><strong>So I'm going to hide for a while, but first I just wanna say...<strong>

**Dear Maggie was rec'd on Fictionators this week. Huge thanks go out to Kassiah, Caren, and nicekittyrawr for the amazing review. www (dot) fictionators (dot) com/ rec/ dear-maggie-by-jenny0719/**

**Dear Maggie was also rec'd on TwiBetween. Thank you for that too! www (dot) twibetween(dot) com/ 2011/ 10/ fan-fiction-recommendation- 10511(dot) html**

**I heart you all :)**

**Also, I always feel like I should answer/say more about this fic, but I'm afraid if I do, I'll give something away. But here's a couple of things I wanted to clarify:**

**1) Bella's denervated heart. Here's a quick run down of it. The nerves don't always grow back the way they were before a transplant, which means that the donor heart will beat faster than a typical adult's when resting, and also will be slower than average during exercise. But not all denervated hearts respond to exercise (adrenaline) and will beat steadily all the patient's life. I wanted Bella's to react, though, because I wanted her heart to respond to Edward. More specifically, the adrenaline pumping in her veins when he kisses her, etc. And also because there is always that one anomaly in medicine. No one is ever the same.**

**2) Most states aren't going to separate siblings willingly during an adoption. But whoever said anything about the state breaking them up? **

**Exies reference is to their song "Ugly", and some of the lyrics remind me of what Edward's character tends to think of himself. And just because I love the song. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey, all. Sorry about the delay. Things have... yeah. I suck.**

**Thanks to Stratan for being the best beta ever, and for hanging out with me last week, even though it was tough as shit for him to get there. ILY, dude, and miss you already :)**

**Thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading and giving me all their knee-jerk reactions. I loves you guys, too. SFM.**

**Thanks for everyone who recs and adds and reviews this fic. OMG, you all amaze me and I bow to you.**

**Ok, so don't kill me...**

* * *

><p>Chapter 10<p>

**Edward**

"God damn it, Bella, just hit the motherfucker so we can go!" I shouted at her from behind the fence.

She spun around to face me, severely annoyed with my impatience. "I would, except for the teensy little fact that I don't know what I'm doing."

"Yeah, that's pretty fucking apparent."

She ignored me and just spun back around.

She held the bat awkwardly and watched the machine again. She'd been at it for... Well, I'd lost track of how fucking long I'd stood here watching her. Each time she swung, she caught nothing but air. I was ready to go back home, but I couldn't seem to get the stubborn girl to move.

Now we were the only ones left. Everyone else had abandoned us in order to watch something less... painful.

Not that I could blame them.

I groaned when the ball flew into the fence in front of me and finally decided that I was going to have to do something to help her, as much as I didn't want to. I'd managed to stay clear of Bella the whole night. I'd sat across from her at the restaurant and kept to the opposite side of the small bookstore we'd snuck inside, even though I wanted to see her skim over each book she picked up and find out which passages moved her; what it was about the book she'd left with that had urged her to buy it. Because I'd been so fucking determined to prevent a repeat of what happened in the car, I'd missed nearly our entire night together. This was the first time since we'd arrived in Port Angeles that we'd really interacted with one another.

Which was exactly why I didn't want to try any of this shit in the first place. I didn't know how to be some average college student on a date. I didn't know what balance was... always bouncing around from such opposite sides of the spectrum.

And I had no idea how Bella could stand to be around me when I could hardly stand to be around myself...

Another ball came flying at me, hitting the fence with a loud clanging noise before finally falling to the ground. I was going to have to do something further to help her, instead of standing here and shouting instructions at her.

Especially if I was going to be able to get her back home at a decent hour and keep on Chief Swan's good side. If he had one, that is.

I waited until another ball had flown out of the machine before opening the gate and coming up behind her. I put my hands on her shoulders, ignoring the shaky breath that fell from her lips as I did, and pulled her body back toward me so that her stance was right. Then I pushed her feet out a little with mine, redistributed her weight, and stood back to watch.

Swing.

Miss.

I readjusted her again, careful to keep my dick away from her ass. That was the last thing I needed right now.

And pretty much the only thing I could think of.

Another ball flew toward us.

Nothing. She couldn't even tip it.

I growled, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I give up," she said, sounding like she was ready to cry. "I don't know why I agreed to do this. I don't play sports. I've never played sports. So let's just go. I know you're pissed off about standing here for so long, anyway."

I hated how her voice sounded and was suddenly ready to stand here as long as it took for her to hit the damn ball. Just so she'd be happy. "No. I... Try hitting with your left."

"But I'm right handed," she argued, pushing at the black helmet on her head. She turned to face me and I realized how oddly cute she was in the oversized thing. "Emmett said this side is where I'm supposed to stand."

"Humor me, Bella."

She didn't move.

"Just once."

She grumbled something under her breath and hurried over to the other side of the plate. She chewed on her lip and got ready, her hands gripping onto the bat tightly.

"Like this?" she asked nervously.

"Yeah."

The ball shot out of the machine, the crack of the bat hitting it high into the air following just after. I blinked rapidly, staring at an equally stupefied Bella, and then suddenly found myself wrapped up in a squealing heap of limbs and had soft, coconut scented hair plastered against my nose.

For the first time in years, I laughed. And it felt _good._

Bella froze in my arms, slowly bringing her head back to look at me fully as her body slid down mine. She stood there molded against me with an awed, beaming smile on her face.

I abruptly discovered that I'd laugh for all eternity to see that smile. The thought was like being dunked in a tub of ice cold water, chilling me to the bone.

I was in way over my head with this girl.

"Do it again," she murmured, her eyes darting to my lips.

I cleared my throat and tried for nonchalance. "I think you should do _that _again," I returned.

Thankfully, she was still too high off her success to notice how uncomfortable I was. "Oh, trust me. I'm going to. Over and over again until they kick us out."

I think I managed to grin a little with that.

She made another squealing sound, one I found fascinating. "Holy fuck, I won the lottery."

I rolled my eyes. "Please. Get your ass back up to the plate."

She reached out to put her hand on my jaw. "Your smile is amazing, Edward. Why don't you ever let people see you for what you truly are?"

"Fucked up?" I retorted.

She shook her head obstinately. "Beautiful."

I backed away from her, staring down at the ground. I couldn't keep deceiving her like I was. She deserved to know the truth about me before her opinion of me got even higher or before she...

I couldn't even think it.

But no matter how much I wanted to list off every single horrific thing that had happened to me, give her the thousands of reasons why I was such a shitty person, I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing her, the one person I'd ever let see my darkened soul.

So I shoved my hands in my pockets and rushed over to the small section of seating just outside the cage. I sat down and habitually reached for a smoke, remembering too fucking late that I didn't do that shit anymore.

Because of her. All of it was because of her.

I watched her hit the ball over and over again, driving them high and to the left each and every time. She was a natural at bat, and I had to wonder how the fuck this clumsy girl managed to find such grace here. And if she was just as talented fielding a ball as she was at hitting it.

Eventually, she stopped hitting and hurried out of the cage. She shut the machine down and threw off the helmet, still grinning, before finally working her way to me.

"Get bored?" I asked as she approached.

"Nope. Just feel like my arms are going to fall off."

I noticed then that her breathing was a little rough and her skin was dewy with sweat. "How's the heart?" I murmured, reaching out to feel it like I always did.

Its steadiness reassured me for some reason, and feeling it pulse beneath her skin reminded me of how easily life could slip away from you. I'd always been so careless with my own mortality, but thinking of how this Maggie person gave Bella life brought new meaning to my own. I'd navigated hell to get to where I was today, and maybe one day in some distant form of my future, I'd manage to change someone's life the way that Bella's surgeon had changed hers.

"It's fine."

There was a lull of silence, and with it came this inexplicable drive to know about Maggie. I hadn't given myself the opportunity to dwell on Bella's earlier words, too preoccupied with keeping clear of her and the sexual chemistry we seemed to share. Now that this heart of hers was literally staring me in the face, I had to know something about the girl... anything at all. It was fucking weird, but it just felt like... like I was supposed to.

But I didn't know how to ask.

"What do you know about her?" I managed to rasp.

"Know about who?"

"Maggie." Saying her name out loud cause some strange sensation to arise within me. I had no idea what to think of it.

"Oh. Uh, well..." She fidgeted nervously, looking over at my car as she chewed on her lip. "She was um... Um..."

"Spit it out, Bella."

"I uh... I mean..."

She was holding back for some reason, probably because she was seeing how unworthy I really was of this knowledge.

Well, fuck if I was going to stand here while she waited to figure out how to let me down easy.

"Never mind," I snapped at her.

It was a dick move, but I wrenched the baseball bat out of her hand and stalked off toward my Volvo, leaving her there to sputter behind me. I was so fucking pissed off, I could barely see straight as I made it over to my car, though I really didn't know why. It wasn't like I didn't already know I was shit, not like I hadn't expected it. It was inevitable. I'd waited for this moment since the day I met her.

But it didn't do anything to erase the sting.

I threw the bat as hard as I could out into the empty parking lot, watching it skitter across the expanse of the pavement before rolling to a stop at the edge of the grass.

Didn't feel a damn bit better.

"Edward!" Bella yelled from behind me. I could hear her steps coming closer, but refused to look at her. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Don't fucking worry with it."

"No. I will worry with it." She grabbed at my arm, jerking it so hard that she shocked me, and was able to twist me around to face her. "Stop being such a prick all the time and just talk to me!"

I huffed, unable to look at her. My blood boiled with rejection. I fucking despised it. "Get it the car. We're going home."

"Not until you tell me what the problem is."

I clenched my jaw, knowing the girl would literally stand here all night waiting for me to talk to her. Rain was supposed to move in later, and she'd get soaked. Then she'd get sick.

Son of a bitch.

"You don't want to tell me," I answered bitingly. "I get it. I wouldn't tell me either."

She laughed in disbelief. "You're joking, right?"

I kept silent, staring down at our feet.

"I want to tell you, Edward. Do you know how long I've wanted to tell you about her?"

"Then why don't you?" I seethed.

"Because I don't want you to hate me!" she shouted, and my eyes immediately shot to hers. "You're the first good thing that's ever happened to me, and I think—no, I know—if I tell you, then you'll hate me forever."

"I can't hate you, Bella. You're the_ only_ good thing that's ever happened to me." Not even my family, who I knew I loved without a shadow of a doubt, could compare to her.

She stumbled backward with my confession and hunched over, bracing herself with her hands on her thighs. "Don't say that," she breathed. "You don't know…"

"Why? It's fucking true. Can't you tell? You're the only thing I think about anymore!"

I couldn't see her face through the curtain of hair that fell around her, but I could see her back shake silently as she cried.

"Shit. I... I didn't mean to make you cry."

Christ, I had no clue what I was doing. Every time I turned around, I was doing something to upset her.

I should have just walked away right then.

"You didn't. It's me." She inhaled sharply. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have..."

I didn't know what it was that she shouldn't have done, because she never finished the sentence.

Nor did I ever make her. I simply stood there with her in the parking lot, berating myself for being such a goddamned idiot all of the time. This was still all so raw for Bella. Yet here I was, acting like a spoiled, petulant child demanding answers; answers she wasn't ready to give me yet. I was irrefutably the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had her in my arms. Something struck me as I pulled her against me. This girl made me strive to be a better person. No attempt at patching up those old wounds of mine had accomplished a fraction of what she had in just a month's time. And she hadn't even realized she was doing it; that was the most amazing part of it.

She simply was.

I led her to the car and sat her inside, murmuring shit I'd heard Carlisle say to Esme when she was upset about something. It seemed to help some; her sobs quieted down enough that I was comfortable with shutting the door and driving her home.

Nothing else was said as I drove back to Forks, and the chemistry between us that was always so fucking mind-bending seemed to have, thankfully, taken the night off. I wasn't sure I could handle that part of this whole fucked up relationship of ours too.

When we arrived back to town, I parked in the chief's driveway and leaned my head back against the seat, closing my eyes. I was so fucking tired all of a sudden. Staying awake tonight would prove to be challenging.

"I'm sorry," she eventually whispered, apparently running on fucking replay. "Maggie is... Was..."

She still couldn't find the words.

"Whatever it is can wait," I said sleepily. "I'm too… Fuck, I can't think straight right now."

She was quiet for a while, debating whether or not to do as I said. "Okay."

"Go inside and make sure your dad knows I got you home at a decent hour."

She giggled some, but it sounded so hollow. "Trying to impress him?"

"Fuck yes."

"Will you... Will you come back?"

"No. Yes. I-" I dragged my hands through my hair. "Let me think about it."

She nodded and put her hand on the door handle. "I had fun, Edward. Thank you."

She slipped out the door before I had a chance to realize how glad I was for that.

And was inside the house before I could tell her.

* * *

><p>Long after I'd left Bella's, I found myself staring up at my ceiling in an effort to keep my eyes open. I slapped at my face the moment I felt my eyes start crossing with exhaustion. Pinched my arm when I got too relaxed. Splashed my face with cold water, played a video game for an hour, and listened to a few select songs on my iPod at eardrum-bursting levels.<p>

Nothing was working.

I was going to fall asleep at some point tonight. Anxiety ripped through me with the thought, and I decided that if I wasn't going to be able to stop it then I didn't want to be alone. Maybe the warm body next to me would help dull some of those nightmares.

That was the theory, anyway.

I huffed and threw the covers off of my body, giving myself a second to make sure that what I was getting ready to do was actually what I _wanted _before I made my way to my closet and threw on something to wear.

I hurried downstairs and wrote Esme a bullshit note in case she were to wake up and notice I was gone, sliding it up under a magnet on the refrigerator and then making my way to my car.

The drive was short, not really giving me enough time to gather my thoughts or plan my words. I parked a few houses down and got out and manually locked the car so that the sound of the horn didn't wake the neighbors like it would if I'd have used the fob. I shoved my hands in my pockets along with my keys and started toward the tree that would take me to her.

The window was black against the white-sided house telling me that, _unlike me_, Bella was asleep. But I slithered up the tree regardless, my conscience screaming at me to turn away and leave.

Like I ever listened to the fucker.

The window was unlocked, exactly as I'd expected it to be. I crawled inside and landed on the balls of my feet, careful not to wake the sleeping girl in the bed before me. I went to her side and crouched down, grinding my teeth together so I didn't reach out and touch her. Wake her. Hear her voice. I didn't merely want this girl around me anymore. There was something that made me need her now, coming to life the second she broke down in front of me. I just knew I didn't deserve her. Not yet.

But I wanted to.

I gave in to the need to feel her skin against mine, not wanting to be the creepy fuck that watched some girl sleep without her knowing of his presence. Bella was a lighter sleeper than I'd anticipated, jumping awake the moment I cupped her face. She bolted upright and scrambled away from me, her eyes wild with fear.

"Damn it," I hissed, annoyed with myself.

She relaxed when she laid her eyes on me, letting out a gust of air as she sank back against the wooden headboard.

"I didn't think you were coming," she breathed.

I shrugged, staring down at the purple comforter that concealed her from me. Probably a good thing since I had a feeling that more than just the usual sliver of skin was exposed underneath it.

"Purple?" I finally asked. I'd wondered about it since the first time I'd been here.

Bella didn't seem the purple type.

"Charlie."

"Ah."

I fumbled with the edge of it for a while, not knowing exactly where to begin. Eventually, her hand grabbed at mine, halting my movements, and causing me to glance up at her nervously.

Her smile was warm... amused. Normally, it would have pissed me off, but with Bella... I just wanted to laugh at my absurdity.

"Fuck it," I muttered. "Here it is: I'm going back to therapy."

"Oh," she said, surprised by my admission. "Are you... okay?"

"No. I tell everyone I'm okay, but lately I've found that to be the farthest fucking thing from the truth possible."

Her fingers wound through mine.

"It happened when you got here," I continued.

"Am I supposed to apologize?" she asked, cocking her brow at me.

"No. I told you I'm fucked up."

She sighed and scooted a little closer to me. "You're you. I wouldn't want to spend so much time with you if you were someone else."

I scoffed.

"I thought that maybe it was... _something _else. And I guess at first it was. But now that I know you... I'd have wanted to be with you anyway."

I stopped breathing for a moment, memorizing the feeling of elation that pulsed through me.

"Do you have a specific place you want to go? I mean, I can't imagine Forks having many psychologists," she said uncertainly.

"Yeah. I've been thinking about going back for a while. It's in Seattle, where I want to go. Carlisle's found a decent shrink for me up there, and I figured that since I'll be heading to college there this fall-"

"I think it's a great idea, Edward. Really."

"Okay." I swallowed hard, forcing myself to continue. "I'm going for you."

"Me?" She blinked a few times. "Edward, why?"

"I want to deserve this," I answered quietly.

"You do," she said emphatically. "You so do."

I didn't want to waste my time arguing with her, so I changed the subject. "I have a um, a sort of proposition for you."

She laughed. "What's that?"

"The garage does this bullshit softball league every summer. Do it with us?"

"I don't know..."

"You'd be great at it, Bella. Rosalie's on it."

"And that would be why she dragged me to those batting cages in the first place. Sneaky bitch. She probably left thinking what a lost cause I was."

"Little does she know..."

"I might be able to hit, but I don't know the rules or anything," she admitted.

"We'll teach you."

She pursed her lips as she thought about it, and then finally nodded her head. "Yeah, okay. I can try."

I crouched there awkwardly beside her for a moment, not exactly sure how to tell her the real reason I'd come over.

"Edward."

I groaned. "I hate it when you do that shit, Bella."

"Do what?" she asked innocently.

"Read my mind."

She giggled sleepily, lying back and patting the side next to her. "You didn't come here just to ask me two things that could have waited until Monday."

I exhaled sharply.

"Get in and shut up."

I stood up and scowled as soon as I realized I'd be sleeping in jeans. I hadn't exactly thought this plan through when I'd left the house, which just showed how fucking tired I really was. I would have never let this shit slide if I'd been fully coherent.

"What now?" she mumbled.

"Nothing. It's nothing," I said, chewing on my cheek as I pulled back the covers. "Maybe I should just go over-"

"Edward," she said again. "Stop second guessing it. Just get in."

I grumbled obscenities under my breath but obeyed, actually getting the fucking nerve to climb under the covers with Bella this time.

She sighed and scooted down under the covers some more, closing her eyes with a hint of a smile. I gripped my side of the pillow, feeling her body heat radiate against me even more without the barrier of the purple quilt between us.

I swore all the blood left my extremities to gather in one, specific place...

She opened one eye to peek at me. "You okay?"

"Think I might have to get on top of the comforter again," I said tightly.

"I would really rather you didn't, because then I couldn't do this..."

She moved closer to me, laying her arm over my torso and placing her head on my shoulder. I froze beneath her, panic bubbling up in my chest. I was hard, and she was right next to me. One small shift of our bodies and she'd know. She'd feel exactly what she did to me, without even trying.

Oh. Holy. God.

My breaths grew sharper, and I squeezed my eyes closed in hopes of moving past it. This was Bella. She'd touched me countless times in the last few weeks, and I'd kissed her twice. She was just as affected by me as I was by her. This was nothing different. Not in the least.

Like hell it wasn't. This was the most intimate thing she'd ever done with me. It was casual, warm, trusting…

"What um… What book did you buy tonight?" I finally squeaked out, sounding just like a thirteen year old again.

Fuck.

"So now you want to know?" she asked on a yawn.

I growled a little in frustration; I'd already apologized.

"You get worked up so easily," she giggled. "I bought a compilation of Jane Austen works. I probably shouldn't have spent the money, but I wanted to read Pride and Prejudice again. I left my copy at my mom's in Phoenix."

"Austen," I repeated flatly. Never would have guessed that one.

"Mm-hmm. I love Mr. Darcy. You kind of remind me of him, actually."

My eyes shot down to the top of her head. In no fucking alternate universe did I resemble some pompous ass in breeches.

"You're nothing like I thought you'd be when I first met you. That first impression…" She trailed off, leaving me ready to beg to know the rest. "Well, I hated you. I hated everything about you."

The feeling was mutual.

She didn't say any more, which was just as well since I was getting sleepier by the second. My eyes grew heavy, and fear wormed its way inside me. I didn't know what I'd dream about this time… what memory would resurface and make me feel like that lost kid again. Fuck, I didn't want to sleep… Wanted to keep fighting it…

xxxx

I woke up to the sound of a door closing heavily. I pried my eyes open and looked around, letting them rest on the clock on Bella's bedside table. Four hours. I'd managed to sleep four hours dream free.

"Holy shit," I murmured. I moved so that I could see Bella and brought my hand up to push some of her hair off her face. I couldn't remember when the last time I'd managed to sleep and wake up to something other than the sickening feel of my memories, done something... normal.

Only I hadn't, really. Something had woken me up. Something in the hall...

I sucked in a startled breath just as my eyes darted over to the door, realizing Bella's father was out there. A thump sounded from the hallway, and if I had to guess, I'd say Chief Swan had tripped over something in the dark. And that the noise came from somewhere close to Bella's room.

He was coming this way.

"Fuck," I hissed, reaching up to Bella's shoulder to shake her awake. "Bella…"

I was answered with a groggy, "huh".

"Your dad. Bella, get up."

"Charlie's in his room," she muttered. "Asleep."

"No, he's not. Charlie's up," I returned. "And right outside the door."

She bolted upright and practically shoved me out the bed. "Go hide. Now."

I glanced around incredulously, trying to see any space in her tiny fucking room that I would fit in. "Where?"

"I don't know," she whispered harshly. "The closet?"

"Jesus fucking Christ. That cracker box?"

"You see someplace better?"

_No._

I raked my hands through my hair and scurried across the room, opening her closet door and crouching down on the floor inside. As soon as I was out of sight, Bella's door squeaked, and a gasp came out of her mouth. I could hear the sound of the covers rustling, followed by Bella's frantic footsteps. A slight pause was followed by a grunt from Charlie.

"Daddy? Daddy, what's wrong?" Bella cried.

"Feel kind of… funny," he managed. "Dizzy."

There was another strange thump, this time I was able to deduce that it was the chief falling against the wall.

"Edward!"

The sound of Bella's terrified voice had me jumping out of the closet and racing to her in no time. Chief Swan's eyes grew huge, and his lips curled just as he slid down the wall.

"It's not what you think," I told him, kneeling down next to him.

"Sure. That's what they all say." He groaned a little. "Can't breathe."

"It's not," Bella swore. "I promise. And even if it were you wouldn't get to say anything about it. I'm nineteen."

"My house," he countered.

"Dad, stop talking. We can argue over it later."

He threw his head back against the wall. He was pale and sweaty, and I would bet my worthless life he was nauseated and had a racing pulse.

But I couldn't bring myself to touch him to find out.

Bella's hands ran over her father's body frantically. She sniffled once, and then looked over at me.

Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"Edward, what do I do?"

"Got any aspirin?"

She nodded as she wiped at her nose.

"Get it," I said calmly. "Now."

She nodded again and ran out of the room, leaving me to the chief on my own. I yanked my phone out of my pocket and dialed for an ambulance, remembering all the time I'd spent shadowing Carlisle my senior year in high school. This is what I wanted to do. Fix someone just like Charlie. Save them. Make them like new again.

It was exhilarating having the knowledge to tell the dispatcher exactly what was going on beneath the skin. Finally doing something worthwhile. For someone worthwhile.

Now if I could just fucking examine him like an actual doctor...

"Ever seen someone have a heart attack?" I asked the chief as I hung up the phone.

"Yeah. After they went unconscious."

"Well, this is what it looks like before. You feel like you had heartburn earlier this evening?"

His eyes widened. "I thought it was... Shit."

_Shit _was right.

"I missed all the signs. Signs I studied every day Bella was in that hospital in Phoenix. They had posters... everywhere."

"Most people do," I told him.

Bella practically fell into the room with the bottle of aspirin. She shoved it at me with a shaking hand, her eyes darting over to Charlie again.

I got out one of the small, white pills and handed it to Chief Swan. "Chew it. Slowly."

He did as instructed, his face scrunching up as the bitter taste of the pill hit his tongue.

"Ambulance is on its way," I murmured, risking a glance over at Bella.

The look on her face was like taking a knife to the chest.

"What?" Bella shrieked.

"He's having a heart attack." A broken sob came pouring out of her mouth just as the faint sound of sirens found my ears. "He's okay, Bella. He'll be fine. You need to pack some things, though... your meds."

She nodded once, her hand covering her mouth and tears streaming down her face.

"Go greet the paramedics at the door."

She didn't budge.

"Bella!" I shouted, causing her eyes to whip over to me. "Paramedics. Let them in."

"Oh!" she gasped. "Right. Okay."

I could hear her feet pound at the stairs as she rushed to meet them, but stared at Chief Swan the whole time.

"What are you doing with her?" he asked roughly.

"No idea," I answered honestly. "None at all."

He grunted once. "Wrong answer, kid."

I wasn't going to try to deny that.

"I'll really be all right?" he whispered, his brown eyes fearful.

"You're not one of those poor, unconscious bastards, are you?" I retorted.

His lips twitched behind his mustache, and I couldn't help but think that maybe he didn't dislike me as much as I'd thought.

Although, I certainly hadn't won any fucking points by sneaking into Bella's room to begin with.

"No," he answered slowly. "I'm definitely not."

"You're definitely not," I agreed. "You'll be fine, sir."

There was a flurry of activity as the paramedics came barreling through the house. They got Chief Swan packaged on the stretcher and loaded him up into the ambulance. Bella was… Well, she was panicked. Understandably so. And I had no idea what to do for her.

Actually, that wasn't exactly true.

I grabbed my phone and punched in the number I was so familiar with, waiting impatiently for my father to pick the damned thing up.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked in greeting. "It's four in the morning. Where are you?"

"Bella's."

Silence.

"I'll explain later. The chief… Shit, Dad, he had an MI."

I could hear movement on the other side of the line. "What? How bad?"

"He's… He's okay," I managed. "I think. I need… I mean, I need you to…"

"I'm getting dressed now. I'll contact the cardiologist on call and explain the situation. I'm sure I'll have no problems getting into that OR."

I exhaled in relief. "Thanks. Bella's… important to me. So by extension…"

"So is Charlie," he finished for me.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing," he said soothingly. "Just take care of Bella."

"I can do that."

Carlisle chuckled. "I'll see you soon."

I shoved my pocket and started looking around for Bella, finding her shoving giant orange prescription bottles into a small, black bag. She was muttering something strange… sounding a bit like-

"I fucking hate irony," she spat as she zipped up her bag. Her eyes were fierce when they found mine, no trace of the panicked girl that I'd seen earlier.

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. She dragged in a shaky breath and started toward the door.

"He has to be okay, Edward. He just has to," she said, letting the door slam shut in my face as she walked outside.

I hurriedly opened it and ran over to her. I grabbed the bag from her and took her arm, leading her over to where she'd parked her truck earlier.

"Keys," I requested, putting out my hand.

"What?"

"You're not driving like this." I tried to make some kind of comforting motion or expression or… something. I was pretty sure I failed. "I'll take you."

"Thank you," she whispered, a tear streaking down her face.

The cool metal hit my palm, and I smiled a little with how easy my words came when before they'd been so hard to say. "You're welcome. Now let's go. I want to make sure you're in the right place when Carlisle comes to talk to you."

"Carlisle?" she asked in surprise. "Your dad, Dr. Cullen, Carlisle?"

"I called him earlier. I didn't know what else to-"

My words were stopped by the way she enveloped me in her arms, clinging to me and cutting off my circulation and the air in my lungs…

She didn't speak for a while, and when she did, her voice was thick and rough with tears. "I don't know what I'd have done without you here."

"Yes, you do. You'd have done everything I did."

"No, I- Maybe." She inhaled deeply, readying herself to go. "Drive how you want. I'll close my eyes. Just get me there as quick as you can."

Like I'd have done anything else.

* * *

><p><strong>Next week's update is beta'd and ready to go. So I reiterate: don't kill me ;)<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**So... I'm all excited about some personal stuff and couldn't stand to wait until tomorrow to update. My gain equals... err, your gain.**

**As always, thanks so much for reviews, adds, pimps, and everything else you all do for me. I keep wishing I could do something lame like invade your personal space with a hug or something :)**

**Thanks to Stratan for being my super dude, and thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading. **

**I've been told that this chapter should come with a tissue warning. So there it is.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Chapter 11<p>

**Bella**

**10 months ago – Transplant Day**

"Dad?"

My voice was barely a whisper, and I wondered if he'd managed to hear it. He stood so still in front of the window, watching the bustle outside the hospital walls, something I hadn't really been a part of in months. When he turned, I knew he'd heard me, but was just giving himself a moment to regroup before facing me.

I was so sorry for that.

"We need to talk… before…" I glanced over at the door pointedly.

"Yeah? What about?"

I waited until he was beside me and sitting in the chair he'd claimed as his own in these last few months. I shifted in the bed some, but even that was hard to do these days. I was so weak, lifeless.

But I wouldn't be for much longer. A girl had died early this morning in a car accident. A girl whose heart would soon replace my own. I wondered what she looked like, how old she was… What it was that made her decide to be a donor in the first place. I wondered how long I'd be cooped up inside these walls before I could go back home, how long it would take before I could run again... how long my new heart would last.

But that was only if I made it through the surgery, or if the donor heart wasn't deemed unfit for transplant. There was a huge chance that my parents would be out the money they'd had set aside in a mutual fund for so long, along with all of the hospital expenses I'd accrued and would _still _accrue, because I could die of rejection in the weeks that followed. So many risks… and I was tired of hearing them.

A squeeze to my arm brought Charlie back into focus. I stared over at my IV, watching the blood thinner drip into the line. "Oh, um…" I took a steadying breath. Never in a million years did I think I'd need to have this conversation with my father, yet here I was about to say what few nineteen year olds had to. "Don't let Mom have some big, over the top funeral for me."

"Bella," he snapped, "you'll be fine. Stop talking like that. You'll wake up and be better than ever."

I continued like I hadn't heard him. "She can do whatever she wants for the wake; she can have a parade downtown for all I care. But I don't want to look like some morbid circus freak lying there in that casket."

"Damn it," he growled.

"Dad." I let my eyes finally latch on to his. They were wide with terror, brimming with tears. I'd never seen my father cry before. Not when I was diagnosed. Not when I was wheeled into the OR for my first surgery. Not when I had exhausted all treatment options and was put on the transplant list.

My breathing stopped and the words caught in my throat.

I would not cry.

So I pulled in another steadying breath. "There's this green satin dress Alice bought for me in the closet at Mom's. I've never gotten a chance to wear it. Have them put me in it?"

He stared at me for a second, seeing how unwavering I was, and nodded. "I think Alice would like that."

"Me too." Being buried in some specific dress seemed ridiculous and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but I knew Alice would get it. She always did. "And no funny makeup. That kind of goes with the whole circus freak in a casket thing I'm trying to avoid."

He let out a brittle laugh. "Okay."

"I want bright colored flowers. Everywhere. I don't want that room to smell like death."

A tear slipped down his cheek, and I nearly stopped the conversation. Only, realistically, I couldn't. I may never have a chance to speak to him again.

"I don't want a white casket. Everyone knows how much of a child I still am. No need for another reminder."

He nodded again.

"I don't want any kind of music about where I'm going and that we'll see each other again. Classical, maybe. But none of that cliché crap."

"I don't really think you need to worry with this, but all right. I'll make sure your mom knows."

"And I want my hair down. I think that's it." I pursed my lips as I thought about it some more. "No, I want you to be happy. Please."

"I am happy."

"You're a liar," I argued weakly. "When was the last time you went out on a date? Mom?"

"No…" He shook his head and moved his hand down to mine. "But it might as well have been. I think you were five the last time someone was interested me."

"That's pretty pathetic," I joked.

His lips quirked behind his mustache.

The click of the door opening broke up the moment, and we both glanced over to see a nurse pop her head in the room. "Bella, you have five minutes. No more."

"Can you find my mom and Alice?"

She smiled. "Sure, honey."

I turned back to my father and gripped his hand tighter, memorizing the feel of it on top of mine. "I love you, you know."

"What am I going to do if you don't make it?" he asked gruffly. "I still think of you as that baby your mother and I brought home with no idea of how to take care of. I can't imagine-"

He cut himself off and ducked his head down so I couldn't see his face.

I used my other hand to swipe away the tears that had fallen, and answered him the only way I could. "Daddy, you'll live. For me."

xxxxx

**Present Day**

Pacing was soothing; it was a way to burn off all of this excess energy I seemed to have. It helped me to think, kept my head clear. It kept my heart rate down and my head from pounding with stress. It kept me from having a panic attack. It kept me from crying...

So I kept telling myself. Along with the reminder that I was going to have to stop thinking in terms of the word "kept", because I was beginning to sound like a broken record.

Again.

Reality was a stark contrast. I was nauseated, literally sick with worry, and pacing was only a distraction from the ache in my head. Panic swam inside me, and the oddest things would make my chin tremble with those tears I refused to cry. They'd routed Charlie straight to surgery as soon as his condition had been properly assessed, which included dozens of wires and tests, x-rays and...

And all I could do was wait.

If one good thing came out of Charlie's heart attack it was this: I had to tell Edward why I came to Forks in the first place now, before it was too late. Something could happen to either of us in a blink, and then this wonderful man would never know how equally wonderful his sister was. He'd never know of her existence, and that would be my fault. As much as I wanted to watch every scrap of information about Maggie go up in flames and pretend that I knew nothing of his connection to her, I just couldn't. I couldn't keep living this lie. My resolve was steady, unwavering. This was why I was here. Pretending otherwise was childish, selfish, mean… and it was cheating Edward out of knowing his sister.

I paced some more and chanced a look over at Edward. He was calm, cool, the mask firmly in place again, only it was for me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking as he was bent over the magazine he'd picked up, and that was okay because he was being solid... for _me_.

Edward's gaze found mine, and I gripped the journal in my arms a little tighter, trying to hold myself together... for just a little while longer. I memorized the warmth his eyes held for me, knowing I'd probably never seem them like that again. And then I had to glance away, unable to bear that green gaze boring into me for a single second longer.

"Will you sit the fuck down," Edward said stoically. "You're driving me nuts."

I shook my head once. "Can't. Might cry."

Over Charlie, even though I knew Carlisle was working to make him better. Over the man likely staring at me in confusion. Over the friends I'd made since I got here. Over… _everything_.

"You cry a lot," he said casually. There was no hatred in the comment. It just was. I wanted to fall apart with that. We'd come such a long way from our beginning.

"I didn't always use to," I replied. "Just since..."

"Your surgery?"

I still couldn't look at him, because I was going to lie to him again. I'd cried some after the surgery, but not like I had since I'd come to live with Charlie. Guilt manifested itself in so many different ways.

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

I had a feeling that he wanted to say something more, but was interrupted by his family bursting through the doors. They rushed over to me, each one of them talking a mile a minute and reaching out to touch me... hug me... something.

Oh, God.

My heart broke a little right then and there.

I stared up at Edward questioningly, prompting him to drag a hand through his hair with a sheepish expression. Then he shrugged. "I called them when you were looking for a vending machine earlier."

And there it was again. The guilt wrapped up in the urge to cry. These people had no idea who I really was, how... awful I was.

But I couldn't really expect myself to have any other kind of reaction, given the circumstances. Deceit, in any form, was not in my blood. I'd naively thought I would just come to Forks, drop the information on Maggie's brother, and be done. I never once thought that _this_ was waiting for me.

And I was going to ruin it all.

"Thank you," I mouthed.

I wasn't sure what my face looked like, maybe sincere and absolute gratitude since that's what I felt toward him at that very second, but it made Edward blink a few times before he was finally able to nod back.

"What is it with you Swans and hearts?" Jasper murmured.

My head whipped around just in time to catch the smirk on his face, instantly breaking up my somber mood.

I put my hand up to my mouth in an effort to stifle my giggles. It didn't necessarily go as planned.

"Not sure, really," I managed in between laughs, not having the wits to come back with anything better.

Esme shot Jasper a look, and I grazed my hand over her forearm, smiling at her. Her brown eyes searched my face before she nodded, silently understanding that I'd needed that ridiculous comment to remind myself that it wasn't all really as bleak as my mind was trying to make it out to be. This was nothing compared to what my family had already been through.

We gathered in the corner of the room, all of the Cullens wanting to know exactly what had happened to Charlie... and how Edward ended up being at my house in the first place. I watched Edward tense in his seat, his jaw clenched anxiously, and searched for a lie. I had a feeling his family didn't know anything about his sleeping habits.

"I um... I called and asked him to come back." I blushed with the insinuation that would cause them to have.

Edward made a strangled sound next to me and shook his head forcefully. "Not like that. Jesus, Bella, give everyone the wrong fucking impression."

"Well, I didn't know what to say..." I trailed off with a meaningful look.

The entire family looked bewildered.

"I fell asleep," he said to them. "It was just one of those things."

"Right place, right time," I murmured in agreement.

"I don't know about that," he objected.

"I do. You saved-"

His hand coming up to cover my mouth muffled the rest of the sentence I'd been trying to say. His green eyes were hard, filled with anger. "If you know what's good for you, you'll shut up, Bella. I'm not telling you again: I didn't do anything you wouldn't have already done without me there."

I blinked once and tried to figure out why he was adamant about it all. I hadn't been able to think straight when Charlie came stumbling through the door. My ability to act quickly without Edward around seemed... nonexistent. I wasn't sure that I would have been able to do anything except flap my arms around and cry, so I sat there defiantly, thinking very seriously about licking the palm of his hand so he'd let me go. Might as well keep up with this childish behavior and all.

Esme cleared her throat, prompting Edward to drop his hand. "So how long does your father say the surgery will take?"

I turned around to focus on something else. I'd already heard everything from Carlisle earlier, and wasn't interested in repeating the torture of listening to all the things going on inside Charlie's body right now, the torture of knowing exactly how my parents felt each and every time I went under the knife. I was anxious and scared with something Carlisle swore was mild and easily taken care of. I couldn't imagine how Charlie, Renee, Phil, and Alice all felt when I'd gone into the OR for my transplant, unsure if Maggie's heart would take or not and wondering if the last time I'd spoken to them before I was put under would truly be the last time ever.

I suddenly needed to call my mother.

I quietly excused myself, ignoring Edward's curious eyes and made my way to a little conference room down the hall to talk in private... break down in private.

And idly wondered how many people had been told they'd lost someone in this room. If Maggie's parents had been dragged into a place like this or just told right in the hall for everyone to see...

"Bella!" Renee exclaimed, yanking me from that horrible train of thought. "How are you, baby?"

I nearly choked on hot, thick tears with the sound of her voice. My mother may have driven me crazy at times, but there was no denying how much I missed her now. I'd been so busy with Edward and this insane plan of mine that I had barely spoken a word to her since I'd left Phoenix, giving her just a vague description of my life through e-mails with the thought that it was sufficient contact. Only it wasn't. Not in the least.

Add _horrible daughter_ to the list of things Bella Swan was these days.

"Dad had a heart attack," I said through my sobs.

Silence.

"Mom?"

And then a sniffle. "Is he...? Is he...?"

"He's in surgery," I said, wiping at my face. "Dr. Cullen-"

"Your Dr. Cullen?"

"Yeah. He's operating on him now. He says he'll be fine."

"What... How did this happen?"

"Single life? Diner food? I don't know," I answered meekly. The truth was that Charlie was young and still in decent shape. There was no heart disease in the Swan family, other than my fluke of genetics. He might have eaten out a lot, but there was no specific reason that we could blame this on.

Except maybe as a way for fate to punish my lying ass. Karma's a bitch, as they say.

"No, I mean, what happened?" she clarified. "And what are they going to do to fix it?"

"Oh. Um... stints. Two." There was no need to explain further. Not with my family's cardio wing experience. "And he's going to have to start living like me... But I was already trying to get him to."

"How was that going?"

"With martyrdom," I replied, letting a wry smile curve my lips.

She let out a laugh with that. "Do you need Phil and me there for anything? I know you have this big idea of finding independence up there and everything, but..."

I almost laughed. She thought I came here to find independence. If only she knew of Edward and Maggie's connection... Or how he made me feel.

She'd never understand.

"No, I think I can handle it," I answered. "I want to."

She sighed. "Well, the offer still stands. I miss you, Bella. It's so quiet around here."

"Like I was ever there to make noise in the first place," I shot back teasingly.

"That's not what I mean. I literally have nothing to do anymore."

"Go travel with Phil," I suggested, abruptly thinking of a way to tie my mother's love for travel in with my stepfather's love for baseball. "Take him to as many different baseball games in as many different stadiums as possible. You guys would have fun."

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," she mused.

I let her think on it for a little bit before speaking again. "I need to go... wait. I'll keep you posted, though."

"Call me when he wakes up."

"Okay. And Mom? Tell Phil I now know why he likes that sport so much."

"What, baseball?"

"Yeah. The owner of the garage I work for and his family took me out to some batting cages last night. It was awesome."

"Did you manage to hit one?"

"Multiple balls, Mom. I hit multiple ones."

"Oh, I wish I could have seen that," she said wistfully.

"Me too." Her overenthusiasm would have been... hilarious, at best.

I told her goodbye and slipped the phone into my pocket. I ran my hands over my cheeks to get rid of the lingering dampness there, but I knew my puffy eyes would still give away what happened inside this room. I did it regardless.

I opened the door, staring down at the floor and nearly running into Edward in the process. He fumbled with his hands for a moment, and then dropped them down to his side, like he didn't know what to do with me.

I took one of his hands and stared at it, seeing the grease buried under his nails and in his cuticles, and traced over the calluses on his palm. I loved his hands. They'd seen so much. I tucked the journal against me and, one arm at a time, brought them up to wrap around my waist. He gripped onto the fabric of my shirt as I pressed my ear against his chest, and with a sigh, I closed my eyes when I heard the erratic beat of his heart.

"Why are you nervous?" I mumbled.

"This is… I mean… Fuck, I don't know what to do for you."

"I know," I said, comforted by his stumbled words. It meant he was trying. "This is enough."

We were quiet for a while.

"Your family is amazing," I told him, moving so that I could stare up at him.

He swallowed hard. "Yeah."

_You're amazing_, I thought to myself. But I didn't dare speak the words.

He held me tighter against him.

We went back out to the waiting room to sit with Edward's family again. It was late enough in the morning now that I could start calling some of Charlie's friends and let them know what happened, although, waiting for the appropriate hour had just been an excuse. I'd been dreading these conversations.

Billy was first, and with it came a promise that he and Jake would be up as soon as possible to see him. Charlie's fishing buddy, Harry Clearwater, was next, followed by the other families on the reservation I knew my father was close with. Then came the station and the diner, and with those I decided I was done. News traveled fast in small towns, and it was just a matter of hours before everyone knew of the chief's surgery.

I wanted to climb back in bed and close my eyes, escape in the darkness of sleep. But that wasn't happening any time soon. I was all Charlie had here in this town. If I hadn't been there, Edward wouldn't have been there. And then…

I rubbed at my chest, trying to push away the pain. Fate brought me here. For reasons that were so much bigger than just Maggie's existence.

A warm hand came up to cover my own. I glanced up to see Rosalie's concerned face.

"You okay?" she asked softly.

"No, I…" I trailed off, not knowing where to begin. "Rosalie, I…"

I was so close to telling her about Edward's connection to Maggie, if for nothing more than to have it out there in the open and not imprisoned inside me anymore, but Carlisle came sweeping into the room, pulling his cap off of his head and running his hand through his hair to tame it slightly. He scanned the room for us and let a wide smile cross his face as soon as he found us all hovered together.

Edward was at my side immediately, and so was a wave of guilt to go with it.

I was so tired of feeling guilty.

"Charlie did great," Carlisle said, walking over to where Esme stood and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. "He'll be awake in no time."

My breath came out in a rush of relief. "Oh, thank God. When can I see him?"

"You can go in now, if you'd like. I just want to run over everything with you first."

"Okay."

I didn't tune out any part of what Carlisle told me like I did when it came to my own health. I wanted to know everything that happened with Charlie and what we could do to prevent it from happening again, especially after I went to school in the fall. I planned to come back as frequently as possible, but I was realistic enough to know that "as possible" did not always mean anything other than during holiday breaks.

But that was just the concern I let rise to the surface. The truth was that it went deeper than that. I was probably going to lose one person I cared about soon.

And I couldn't afford to lose any more.

* * *

><p>"You need to get out."<p>

I blinked up at Rosalie in confusion, wondering when she'd gotten here. I'd been so engrossed in my book that I hadn't realized anyone else walked in the room. Then again, I was kind of blocking everyone out…

"What?"

"Out. Of here. This room. This hospital," she elaborated. "Come on. We're doing that whole softball thing in an hour. Let's get you changed and head over there."

"I don't think I should…"

She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. "Oh, really? You think Charlie will miss you for a few hours when he has all of these other people to keep him company?"

I glanced around the room, realizing I'd kind of been shoved in the corner as the visitors swarmed in. I couldn't even see Charlie with all the people hovered around him.

"Probably not," I muttered.

"Edward's already there with Emmett." She grinned as if she knew this would entice me.

I rolled my eyes. "Let me just tell my dad where I'll be."

She nodded and slipped out into the hall.

I explained what was going on to Charlie and was met with a very satisfied grin. Apparently, getting involved in some kind of sport was just another way that proved Charlie right; my life _was_ better after the transplant. Getting on a ball field and attempting to even stand in the outfield wouldn't have been an option before. Now I could play.

I hoped I could, anyway.

I didn't say much to Rosalie on the way to my house, mostly because I was just too tired to really come up with any kind of icebreaker. Not that we really needed it. It was nice to have someone other than Alice to simply sit with. Another friend.

One who'd also probably hate me in the near future, but I'd take what I could get now. Not like I really had a choice…

"You look like you're thinking awfully hard there, Bella," she laughed as she pulled into the driveway.

"Oh, um, yeah. Just realizing that I have friends here," I said with a blush.

She gave me an odd look. "Of course you do. Why the hell wouldn't you?"

"Uh… I never really did before." The blush got hotter.

"Really? I'm shocked. You're… you're really easy to get along with."

"Thanks. You too. But yeah, no friends back in Phoenix except for Alice. With everything going on, I never really got a chance to have a social life."

"No boyfriends?"

"Nope. None."

"Not even some lame prom date?"

"Alice was my prom date," I answered. "In the hospital."

She looked horrified. "I'm so sorry."

I giggled, oddly reassured by her reaction. Maybe I hadn't been such a freak. More like a victim of circumstance. "It's okay. Really. Alice made the night fun."

"I think I'd like to meet Alice."

"I'm sure you will. She's coming to school up here." Rosalie's brow quirked. "She didn't want me to be alone."

"Except you're not anymore, are you?"

"No… I guess I'm not," I said awkwardly.

I hurried to get out of the car so that I didn't have to say any more on the subject. I unlocked the door and let Rosalie inside, following just behind her. It was the first time I'd been home since Charlie's attack, and everything was incredibly silent. No noise coming from the television. No clattering in the kitchen. No whistling from Charlie as he cleaned his gun or worked on a few fishing lures.

I'd grown accustomed to seeing all of Charlie's little idiosyncrasies. And couldn't wait to have him back home doing them again.

I threw on a pair of black yoga pants, a tank top, and my Nikes, and then grabbed a long sleeved shirt out of my closet just as I rushed back down to where Rosalie was waiting for me. Just in case. I wasn't exactly used to the mild weather in Forks yet.

"I don't have a glove," I muttered.

She smiled. "It's okay. We have extras. Edward says you bat left-handed?"

"Yeah. I don't know about catching or throwing, though."

"Well, we'll let you practice both. See what feels better."

I nodded once.

Sam Uley and the three Cullen boys were already out on the field by the time Rosalie and I got there, throwing a ball between the four of them in some sort of well-rehearsed pattern. Jasper threw the ball at Edward, waving his glove at us in greeting as the ball was thrown over to Emmett.

Edward turned to face me, his jaw dropping slightly before he snapped his teeth together and glanced away. I had no idea what to think of that.

"Bella," Emmett called out. "Catch!"

He hurled a glove at me, fully expecting me to be able to catch it without a second thought, like everyone else around here. I took a few steps and put out my hands, fumbling with it before finally grasping it against my chest.

"A little warning would be nice," I yelled at him.

He grinned widely. "Then we wouldn't know what you're made of."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Get over here, you two," Jasper drawled. "We're losing daylight."

I waited for Rosalie's cue, and then followed her out to the outfield where the guys were all gathered. They silently paired up, leaving Edward to stand there with me on the outskirts of the group.

"Yoga pants," he growled. "How the hell am I going to concentrate when she's wearing yoga pants?"

I barked out a dubious laugh. "You like yoga pants?"

He practically glowered at me. "Yeah. I like them. Thank fuck you didn't wear the blue ones again."

My eyes widened comically. "Are you… Are you being serious right now?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" he returned.

"You just… The last time I wore those you were an asshole," I said. "I assumed…"

"What?"

"I assumed you thought I was ugly."

He tensed. "Never. Not in a million years. I'm pretty sure I've already covered all of this with you, Bella, and I'm not interested in repeating it."

I knew better than to assume anything from Edward's actions now. So it was a moot point. "All right, I hear you. I'm being stupid. Now throw. Let's see how shitty I am at this."

I pulled the glove up my hand a little further, and then flexed, unsure if I had the damned thing on right or not.

"Wait, is this right?"

Edward chuckled a little, and it made me want to keep acting like a total moron just to hear it again. "Yeah. It's right. Ready?"

"No."

More laughter. Without even trying. I felt like preening right there in front of everyone. I made Edward Cullen laugh. _Again._

"I'm throwing it anyway," he warned.

"Okay…"

It wasn't exactly a throw at all, more like a toss. It was slow and arced up into the air gracefully. I kept my eyes trained on it, really not interested in looking like the klutz I'd always been known to be in front of this man. And miraculously, it landed right in the center of my glove…

I narrowed my eyes. "You did that on purpose."

He gave me an innocent look, one I found entirely too adorable. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't bullshit me," I snapped. "Throw it like you mean it."

His lips twitched a little, and he relented. "All right, all right. Throw it here. I won't baby you again."

"I can't believe you did that," I complained as I launched the ball at him.

"Neither can I," he admitted. He seemed a little perplexed with himself.

He caught the ball effortlessly, and with a quick snap of his wrist, threw it right back at me. I missed it and cursed as I chased after it. I returned it to him, this time making sure I was ready for the fast ball that was bound to come back to me. It hit my glove, and then bounced right out onto the ground.

"Shit," I muttered, feeling a blush creep up into my face.

"Bella," Edward taunted, opening and shutting his gloved hand. "You're supposed to hold onto it."

"Fuck you."

His brow arched up with that.

"You're in a really good mood," I stated, throwing the ball at him again.

He shrugged. "I like to play."

"So anytime I want to see a smile on your face, I just bring you out here to play?"

"No… not really." He shot the ball back at me. This time I caught it.

"Ha!" I cried triumphantly.

"I think it's just you," he said, watching me wriggle my ass around in glee. I immediately stilled when his eyes darkened, every inch of me longing for his touch. They shot up to mine, and it was like no one else was around.

I was pretty sure a little whimper came out of me.

He swallowed thickly before continuing. "I like being here with you. Watching you learn is… fascinating."

I inhaled. Tried to get my bearings. Wiped the sweat from my palm onto my thigh. "Oh."

"I don't mean in a bad way. It's just… I don't know. Being a part of some new experience for you is… I can't fucking explain it. But I felt it at the waterfall, too."

So I didn't try to make him.

We were quiet for a while, the ball being thrown between us the only sound coming from our area. The others were laughing and talking while they warmed up, but Edward and I were content to simply be.

He cleared his throat and chewed on his cheek, a habit I was learning to mean he was nervous about something. So I continued to watch him, waiting for him to finally say what was on his mind.

"I think… I mean, this is where I'm supposed to ask you how you and your dad are doing."

Not a question, a statement. I smiled. "You're being coached?"

"No. Well, yes. Esme wanted to make sure that I didn't fuck up, I guess," he mumbled.

"Trust me. You're not fucking up."

He glanced up from his hands, surprise written all over his features. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You were… perfect at the hospital."

He scoffed.

"I'm serious. Having you there was an excellent distraction." Not to mention completely sobering. I'd come as far I as I could with him, at least, until I told Edward about Maggie. After that, it was left to chance.

My heart hurt thinking about it again.

He froze and gave me a strange look. "What the fuck just happened?"

I cleared my throat and tried to rearrange my expression into a smile. He relaxed a little, so obviously it was soothing enough. "I'm just tired."

"I can…" He ran his hand through his hair. "I can take you to the chief if you're worried…"

"No, no. It's nothing like that." More smiling. "Just throw. I'm fine"

He continued to give me a skeptical look, but relented. He shot the ball at me, and even in my distracted state, I managed to catch it.

Score for Bella.

As I paid closer attention to the way we interacted with each other now, I knew he'd listen to me when I told him. He'd hate me, but he'd hear me out. I just needed to figure out the best way to do it.

I cast a look over at Rosalie's car, where my journal sat inside the bag in the front seat, and thought that maybe I already knew how. Talking had never really been my strong point.

But _writing_ about everything...

Well, it might be my best shot at keeping him in my life.


	12. Chapter 12

**I love you all for the reviews, adds, and all the crazy talk/rec's. I was serious last update when I said I wanted to do something inappropriate like grabbing and hugging each and every one of you. JS**

**Thank you to my awesome beta, Stratan, for being your usual awesome self and making me feel ok about this chapter (without even knowing you did it). I was really fucking nervous about it, dude. You have no idea.**

**Thank you to stephk0525 and claireoth for pre-reading. I miss you guys. Stupid RL...**

* * *

><p>Chapter 12<p>

**Edward**

"There's... There's this girl," I started, bringing up a hand to pull at my hair. I'd looked out the window for over thirty minutes, just trying to figure out where to begin; there was so damned much to sort through.

Seattle was dreary and unseasonably cool today. Fog hung heavy in the air and limited the visibility from the high rise my new therapist's office was in. Not that I'd expected anything more, really. God forbid the weather be nice for my trip here. Instead, it matched my mood perfectly. Gray and surly and plain pissed off. I fucking hated that I was here, that I needed this. But I wasn't stupid enough to ditch the appointment and stay back home in Forks. I couldn't keep up with everything on my own. Not anymore.

And Bella… There was a reason why I was so relaxed around her, why I was happy with her when no one else—other than my family, and even that was limited—had ever managed to make me feel that way. I'd pushed girls away for so long now, uninterested in any of them, until Bella. With Bella, there was no indifference, no disgust with myself when I touched her. I wanted her... needed her.

So it seemed fitting that she was where I would begin.

"Oh?" I heard Dr. Banner's pen scratching against the paper and closed my eyes. I hated that sound, too, and how it typically meant someone was analyzing my every word and movement. "How long have you known her?"

"A month."

Silence. He wanted me to elaborate on my own.

"She moved back in with her father, and is going to UW in the fall."

Rustling of paper. "That's where you go, isn't it? You start med school in August?"

I swallowed hard. "Yeah. I'd eventually like to be a cardiothoracic surgeon."

"So tell me about this girl," he instructed, getting back to the original topic. Which was good since I wasn't entirely ready to talk about my stay in the hospital. It was too closely connected to the reason I was homeless and shot to begin with.

"Uh…" I cleared my throat. "At first, I wanted to hate her. I _did_ hate her."

"What for?"

"Nothing... Everything. The second I met her, I started-" I broke off before I forced myself to keep going. I wasn't going to be anything at all if I couldn't work past this. "I started dreaming more, thinking more."

"Of your past."

I tore my eyes away from the cars driving on the street below and glanced at him. "Yeah. About my biological mother, stuff I did or was made to do when- I don't know if it's because of her..." I shook my head. "No, it is. She makes me feel... That's just it. I didn't realize it until now, but I've been dead for such a long time. She makes me feel again."

His dark eyes brightened with curiosity at my little epiphany.

Well, join the motherfucking club.

"Things I haven't felt in a long time, some I've never felt before. I don't know what it is about her, but... she makes me want to try to fix all my bullshit. And I'm scared that I can't. That I'll always be this..." I waved my hands around in an effort to find the words. When I couldn't I dropped them to my side. "I don't know."

"You only want to be better for her?"

"I didn't care enough before her," I hedged.

"That's not exactly healthy, Edward," he said mildly.

I glared at him. His eyes never left mine, calm and nonchalant, almost as if he knew what I was doing. And fuck, of course he did. He was a highly recommended colleague of my father's, and probably knew every way I would try to deflect certain questions.

I needed a goddamned cigarette. Or maybe Bella. This kind of shit made me feel uncomfortable, at best. Nervous. Angry. Fucking pathetic.

"You don't think I know that?" I snapped at him. "I want to deserve her, what she gives me. I want... She's the first girl I've really ever kissed without... The first girl I've genuinely been attracted to since I was learning firsthand what a fucking hard on was."

Unaffected by my reaction, he reached up and adjusted his red tie. "And?"

"And... Fuck, I don't know," I said again. "I'm going to fuck her up. Just like everyone in my family fucks the people they love up." Myself included.

He flipped through my file and mumbled some sort of unintelligible acknowledgement. "You aren't them."

"That's what she says."

"Well, maybe you should listen to her."

"Maybe."

I walked over to the bookshelf and perused the titles. Jesus, they looked boring as fuck. It was official: psych was definitely not my field of interest. Although, I was in no position to tell anyone how to live their lives anyway. Could you imagine? The man who couldn't stand to touch people trying to advise clients on how to deal with their shit?

Comical, really.

"I keep thinking that if I let her in and see more of me-"

"More?"

"She knows things even my family doesn't. It's like I can't stop myself from telling her shit sometimes."

"Telling her things about yourself doesn't change how she thinks of you," he commented knowingly.

Fucker.

"No, she accepts it all." _So far._

"So then back to what you were saying before. If you give her more of yourself..."

"One day she'll see how worthless I really am."

More scribbling.

"You're not worthless," he murmured. "You have a lot to offer someone."

"On paper," I scoffed.

"Not only on paper. You have a lot of great attributes, Edward. You're loyal, protective, kind, caring, intelligent… We just need to get you to realize it."

I didn't reply. I couldn't. The desire to argue that point was too strong. Even if I were any of those things, the bad parts of me far outweighed the good. So I simply gritted my teeth together and stood there.

Because I refused to sit in that fucking chair.

"She sees them, doesn't she?" he asked after a while.

"What?"

"The girl... What's her name, by the way?"

"Bella," I sighed, watching him make note of it. "And yes, she's beautiful, just like her name suggests. My dick has severe behavioral issues around her."

That earned a chuckle. I blinked in surprise. This guy... He didn't treat me like all of the others did, like a science project. He prodded me, yes, but it wasn't like he demanded I answer him. I probably could have stood here the entire session, and he wouldn't have uttered a complaint. It was weird. Kind of nice.

Maybe weekly sessions with him wouldn't be so bad.

"Is that so?"

"Unfortunately."

"Bella sees the good in you, doesn't she?"

"Well, she's not running away screaming in the night," I mumbled dryly. "I mean, it's the opposite, really. I treat her like shit, but she always forgives me. I don't get it."

He wrote that down. I wasn't sure why. "Maybe she forgives you because she understands that this is new for you, and that you're learning. I suspect she's learning some, too."

I dragged my hands through my hair again and snorted. "To say the least."

"How do you mean?"

"She uh, she has health issues," I answered vaguely. I wasn't about to share Bella's past with this man. "She didn't get out much."

"I see. Do you love her? Or think that maybe she loves you?"

My eyes went wide. _Holy-_

"I told you, it's only been a month, damn it."

"It's been known to happen in less time for some people."

"I uh, I mean… I don't… I um…" I couldn't form a sentence anymore, couldn't breathe.

Love wasn't meant for people like me. I'd done nothing in my life to deserve it, and had no idea how to reciprocate that emotion fully. I couldn't stand thinking that Bella would fall for some piece of shit like me, when there were so many other normal guys out there for her instead.

But I couldn't stand the thought of her with anyone else, either. Trying to envision her walking through the streets of Forks with some faceless man… _hurt_. I wanted to be the one walking with her. Always. And I didn't know exactly what that meant.

"Let me rephrase that," he said, seeing my obvious distress at his question. "Do you think you _could _love her?"

"No, I mean... I don't know how. I look at my parents and get fucking confused. No matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my head around some of the shit they do and why. And I… I shouldn't. I'm not… I don't- Fuck, what I mean is-" My hands involuntarily ran over my arms, fingers scratched at my jaw.

Dr. Banner watched my reaction closely for a moment, and then held his hand up to gain my attention again. "So what do you want to get out of these sessions?"

I exhaled loudly. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I was a little sweaty. Christ, I'd panicked. Allowing myself to think of Bella feeling that way toward me had me instinctively wanting to drive her away again.

But that contradicted the fact that I wanted to be with her.

Yeah, I was definitely fucked up.

"Uh, normality?" I answered, cocking my brow at the dumbass. "To not act like this?"

"That's unattainable."

What the fuck? "Why's that?"

"Normal is purely subjective."

I grumbled a little.

"It's whatever you feel healthiest at," he continued. "And I think that, with time, we can get you there."

"What makes you so sure?" I shot back skeptically.

"You're willing now. Before, you weren't."

I merely nodded. There was no denying the truth in that.

"I'm going to need you to tell me every reason why you think you're 'fucked up'. Details. Recounts. Everything, Edward."

My stomach lurched. There was no way I was saying some of this out loud to a stranger. Not yet. "Look it up in my file," I said through my teeth.

He shook his head. "No. I need you to admit it." He reached over and pulled an empty pad of paper and a pen off of his desk. "If you can't say it, write it."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," he confirmed, glancing up at the clock. "Writing can be therapeutic."

I thought of the journal Bella kept plastered against her chest. How happy she was, for the most part. She sure as hell was in a better place than I was.

Maybe Dr. Banner was on to something.

"You have fifteen minutes before your session ends. I suggest you get to it."

I grudgingly fell into the chair and took the pen and paper from him. I nearly put the pen in my mouth to chew on it anxiously while I gathered my thoughts, and then I remembered that it wasn't my pen and I didn't know how many other people had put their hands on it.

My lip curled in disgust.

So I simply took a steadying breath and started listing off everything in my life that made me less than desirable to the opposite sex. The list was long, and my hand shook as I ticked off things about my absent father, Elizabeth and my life with her: her drug use, the neglect, the…

I swallowed down the bile that rose in my throat. I had nothing left to share but one thing, the one thing I'd blocked out for so long.

The day Elizabeth Masen had sent me to work for Aro Grayson to pay off a debt, changing the locks on me as soon as I was out of sight. The reason I was shot those few months later. The things I did, what I kept from Bella—from everyone—because it was… I was…

"Edward, you're hyperventilating. Calm down."

I gasped for breath, and blindly wrote it all on that sheet of paper. The second I was finished, I threw the notebook at Dr. Banner and stood up to pace the room.

The room seemed fucking tiny, like it was closing in on me with every pass across the floor I made. I felt trapped, surrounded by memories of everything I'd buried down so deep and refused to deal with.

I was going to be sick. I could feel it churning in the pit of my stomach. I tried to remind myself of where I was now, who I was now. I wasn't that naïve kid anymore. I didn't stare out a broken window wondering when Elizabeth would finally come save me. I wasn't forced to push drugs. To find ways to survive. To… to…

"Bathroom," I ground out.

"Down the hall and to the right."

I gave Dr. Banner a terse nod and darted out of the room, shoving past the receptionist and barreling into the bathroom just a few steps away. I stood there and stared down at the toilet, wanting to grip onto its bowl so tightly that my knuckles turned white, that it hurt. Physical pain would be a distraction from-

_Breathe._

I closed my eyes and tried to do just that. In. Out. In. Out. Over and over again until I could open my eyes and focus on my surroundings again. My vision was blurry, and I swayed a little as I went to the sink. I splashed cold water on my face, unable to look at my reflection in the mirror for fear of_ truly_ getting sick, and then scrubbed my hands clean before I stumbled my way back out of the bathroom. It was all I could do. I couldn't erase a thing. Not with a shower, not with all the soap in the world. This was me, infected with filth. Broken from others' cruelty.

I was a fool to think I could ever be anything more for Bella.

Dr. Banner was waiting in the hall for me. "Edward, I didn't realize you weren't-"

"I didn't throw up. An improvement," I mumbled. I shoved my hands through my hair and drew in a loud breath. "I'm going to go home now."

"I think you should stick around for a while. I'm not sure you should drive like this," he argued.

"No, I need to go the fuck home," I said angrily. I needed the reassurance of my family, to see their faces and know that I wasn't stuck in that nightmare anymore.

He held up his hands in surrender with the look on my face. "Okay. If you think it's best. Just drive safely. You have my number if you need it."

"Yeah." I strode toward the door, very nearly ready to beat through the fucker to get some fresh air. "Same time next week?" I called out over my shoulder.

His jaw slackened slightly. "Uh, yeah. Yes, that would be good. I'll have Karen put you on the schedule."

I nodded once and pushed open the door.

I was more determined to get over this shit than I ever was before. If it was the last thing I did I would not let that bastard affect me anymore. I'd learn to be a decent human being for Carlisle. Esme. Jasper. Rose. Emmett…

And maybe, finally, even myself.

* * *

><p>"What the hell kind of pizza is that?" Emmett questioned, looking down at the small pizza Bella had ordered for herself as the waitress placed it in front of her.<p>

"What I ordered… Veggie on thin crust." Emmett gave her a look. "What? I like it. It's good."

"It's... a cracker," he replied, horrified. "A cracker with _cheese_."

"It is not," she argued, rolling her eyes. "Besides, it's better than all that grease you have on yours." She snatched a napkin out of the dispenser and blotted a piece of Emmett's pizza, holding it up with a triumphant grin when an orange circle formed on it. "See?"

"Really?" He cocked his brow in challenge. "That tasteless cardboard is better than this?"

She looked like she wanted to object, but let out a little pout instead. Jesus, the sound went straight to my-

"No," she said longingly. "I miss regular pizza. So fucking much..."

I almost spit out my water with that. It sounded exactly like it had when she'd dreamed it.

She gave me a strange look. "What's with you?"

"Nothing. It's nothing." I coughed and cleared my throat. "You can technically still have pizza, Bella."

"Yeah, in moderation, I know," she answered. "I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want anything... I can't risk..."

"Hey, I get it." She looked at me hopefully. "You of all people should know why I fucking get it."

She smiled and nodded.

Emmett grabbed the pitcher of beer and poured a glass for Rosalie and himself, glancing over at Bella. "I'd offer you some, but you're still just a baby."

She laughed. "I don't think I'd like it anyway. Not if its smell is any indication."

"You have no idea what you're saying," he said, flashing Bella a dimpled grin. "So stop talking, Liberty."

She dropped her pizza on her plate with a huff. "There's that Liberty Bell reference again. Are you ever going to tell me what it's about?"

The slice of pizza Emmett had in his hands stopped mid-air, and his eyes shifted to mine. I arched my brow at him and waited, even though it practically killed me.

_Come on, fucker. Tell me why you keep calling her that._

He lowered the hand holding the pizza and nodded once. "Fine, fine. It's because of him."

I realized abruptly he was pointing at me. "What the fuck? Me? Why?"

"Don't act so surprised. You think we don't all see the change in you since she got here? You're... shit, man, you're slowly starting to enjoy yourself a little. Letting yourself out of that damned prison of yours. Hence 'Liberty'. 'Bell' just because she's Bella, and it's the name of a national monument, so it already sounds good."

Bella and I sat there completely speechless, neither of us able to look at anything other than Emmett. I had no idea what was going through Bella's head, and I didn't think I wanted to. I could almost guarantee she was blushing next to me, and that made me...

Hard. Fuck. What was wrong with me today?

I knew everyone was aware that I liked her, but I was sure I hadn't let anyone see how she was... _changing_ me. Only they'd all seen it from the very beginning. Every last one of them. Even my mother.

I felt like a fucking dumbass now for even trying.

"It's stupid, I know," he continued, oblivious to what was going through my head. "But whatever. It slipped out and now you know why. I can't help but think of her that way."

"I like it," Jasper said through a mouthful of pizza. "It describes what I was trying to tell her a couple of weeks ago."

Motherfucker... I fought back the urge to drive my fist through his mouth. "Why the fuck are you talking to Bella like that?" I demanded loud enough that Bella flinched.

Jasper stopped chewing. "Because you're my brother," he said slowly, "and you like her. That right there means I have to try to get to know her. Even if I didn't like her. Which I do."

I sat there stupidly again.

"She's awesome. You have great taste. Yada, yada, yada... Can we move on now?" he asked, his lips quirking.

"Ah..." Another throat clear. Jasper approved. They all approved. It made the fact that I was sort of _with _Bella so much... realer.

Holy shit.

"Yeah," I croaked.

"Here. You look like you could use this," Emmett laughed and poured beer into the last empty glass.

I stared down at it and shook my head. "No, it's... I-" I'd had enough beer when Bella first arrived to last me years. And with everything going through my mind right now... It wasn't worth it. "I have water."

But fuck, it sounded good. Pizza and beer... I glanced around the room and saw a lot of other people eating and drinking just that. It was one more piece of normal I'd never have, and I fucking despised Elizabeth a little more for it.

"Edward, it's just a beer," Bella reminded me gently. "It doesn't mean anything unless you let it."

I glared at her. "You know I hate it when you do that," I growled. But I wasn't really angry. Not this time. To be honest, I was beginning to realize how much I enjoyed the fact that she could read me that way.

"You'll get over it," she teased. "Now drink."

She leaned forward and stared at me expectantly. She wasn't letting it go until I _actually_ took a drink.

I huffed, "All right, fine. I will drink this beer if you eat a piece of Emmett's greasy pizza."

She pushed away from me slightly. "What?"

"You heard me, Bella. Pizza for beer. Deal?"

She pursed her lips unhappily. "I didn't think that through, did I?"

"Not at all."

"Damn."

"You want me to get over my shit then you're going to have to get over yours too." I grabbed the beer and held it up. "Ready when you are."

She grumbled and picked up a slice, glowering at me the entire time. "Happy?"

I shrugged. I actually was, because it meant I didn't have to take the plunge alone.

Not that I'd tell any of them that.

She looked at the slice for a while before finally sliding the pizza in her mouth and taking a large bite. "Holy fuck, this is good," she moaned, her eyes rolling back as she chewed.

Unthinkingly, I let one side of my lips curve up with her reaction, and then took a sip of my beer. If I hadn't trained myself to keep my emotions in check, I might've done the same thing. It was cold and smooth, tasting completely different without all the negative emotions affecting it.

I'd been missing out. For so long.

"There, see!" Emmett bellowed. A few people at the tables surrounding us jumped in surprise. "Exactly what we were talking about."

I took another pull from my glass and swallowed hastily. "What is?"

I didn't get an answer.

My eyes darted back over to my family, catching every last one of their smirks, and a flush crept up into my cheeks.

My smile. Busted.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, feeling my face heat further.

"Look how cute he is when he's embarrassed." Emmett reached out and pinched my cheek just to deliberately annoy me some more.

I immediately shoved his hand away with a growl, expecting that residual panic to swell inside me at any given second. "Get off me, you ass."

Only it didn't. And I never had time to think about it because I was too busy listening to my siblings give me hell.

Rosalie leaned forward, grinning widely. "You're cute when you smile. No wonder Bella likes you."

Jasper was next, waggling his eyebrows and making some kind of comment under his breath to Bella.

She giggled, the traitor.

"Fuck you," I snarled, pushing my plate away from me and very nearly toppling my chair over as I got up. "All of you."

"Well, it was good while it lasted," Jasper sighed.

I turned to head outside, only to stop when Bella's small hand was suddenly clasped around my wrist.

I glanced down at her with a scowl.

"Don't make me call you out in front of all these people."

I stiffened and glared down at her, thinking seriously about yanking my arm away from her. But I didn't want to hurt her, so I stayed still.

"You're being ridiculous." She pulled at my arm. "Sit down and get over yourself. They're just teasing you."

I opened my mouth to argue with her, but abruptly stopped myself and plopped back into the chair with an exhale that showed just how annoyed I was. She was probably right. She was always right.

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared down at the wooden table. I was being a petulant son of a bitch, but I didn't care.

Jasper leaned back in his chair and stretched. "So, Bella, when's Charlie going home?"

Bella reached over again, this time letting her hand rest on my forearm, not looking at me... not saying a word.

I managed to relax a little because of it.

"Tomorrow. I um..." She looked so uncomfortable all of a sudden. "I may need some time to-"

Emmett stopped her. "Take whatever you need. Maybe come in for a couple hours every day just to make sure the place doesn't fall apart while you're gone again, but spend most of your time getting Charlie settled."

"Really?" She asked, her eyes wide. "I mean, you're sure?"

"Yeah. Eddie can help out in your absence."

I growled under my breath. No way was I getting roped into all that paperwork.

"Nah, I've got it," Jasper said before I could protest. "I'm not doing much next week anyway."

Bella seemed close to tears. Shit, I could not stand it when she cried. It made my chest tighten uncomfortably, and I had no fucking idea how to make the situation better for either of us.

Another reason I should just let her go.

"Thank you, guys. Really. I don't... I need... Shit," she laughed. "I can't talk."

"She's all choked up," Rosalie joked. "How sweet."

Bella flipped her off, making the whole table laugh. Except for me. I watched everything from the outside in confusion, wondering when it was exactly that this girl had managed to become one of us.

We all eventually finished eating and headed out in different directions. Emmett and Rosalie went to their apartment, Jasper had planned to run a few errands in Port Angeles before coming home, and I was taking Bella back to the hospital before going to the house myself.

The second Bella and I got into my Volvo, the air thickened. Bella shifted; the edge of her shirt rolled up to reveal a tiny sliver of skin, and my body instantly reacted. It took every ounce of self-control I had to keep my eyes on the road so that I didn't drive us straight into a building along the way.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I jumped a little with the sensation and hurriedly wrenched it out. I read the text message and sighed, glancing over at Bella a little reluctantly.

"I have to run home and get something for my dad. He um," I coughed ridiculously, like clearing the shit out of my throat would ever really help the situation in my jeans, "he needs a journal he left in his office."

She nodded once and stared out the window, squirming as some thought passed through her mind.

Fuck me.

Wrong choice of words. That only made me think harder about getting into this girl, which was then further perverted by my desperate mind. I wondered if this could be considered a form of torture, payback for all the shit I'd done as a teenager. I ached. I burned. I was suffocating in my need for her. Slowly dying by way of abstinence, because God help us if I actually laid my hands on her.

How fucked up was that.

The drive was brutally long, and I inwardly cursed my parents for needing so much land out in the middle of bum-fucked-nowhere Washington. By the time I pulled the Volvo into the garage, I was ready to run as far away as I could get, as fast as humanly possible. I was so out of sorts and rushed that I didn't see Bella get out and come with me into the house, didn't see how close she was when I remembered her presence and turned around to be somewhat hospitable.

So it was only expected that I slam into her and send her Diet Coke spraying out all over us and the kitchen floor.

I didn't say a word. I simply closed my eyes, inhaled deeply so I didn't scream obscenities at her, and started grabbing what I needed to clean it up. I spun around, Windex in hand, and was stopped by the look on Bella's face. She was entertained with me. Incredibly so. She was also soaked, distracting me from the anger that flared inside me. Brown liquid had drenched pieces of her hair and seeped into the fabric of her gray top, making it cling to her in a way that had me kissing her again. It always happened so quickly and unexpectedly. One second I was standing in front of her, pissed off over something I didn't understand, and the next my mouth was on hers. There was never any conscious thought of wanting it. I was simply driven to do it. Knowing I probably wouldn't see her much in the next couple of weeks thanks to the chief's heart attack didn't help matters either.

My hands found their way under her wet shirt—not to cop a feel, although, that was a huge part of what was going through my mind at that moment—to feel the line of her scar again. Nothing compared to that feeling, to know that she'd survived something so heavy. She was the personification of that hope I felt at times and was slowly giving me a reason to believe in it again.

And that eventually, I'd find my own acceptance.

She shivered against me, bringing me back to reality. "Let me get you something to change in," I murmured.

"But I'm not cold," she argued softly.

I blinked down at her as I turned that over in my head. It'd been me that had made her shiver. Not half a can of soda on her tits. My touch. My kiss.

Fuck, I liked that.

"I'm still getting something dry for you."

She rolled her eyes, but a smile played on her lips. I wiped up our mess, and then led her to my bedroom. Trepidation lanced through me as we walked through the door. I'd never had a girl in my bedroom before. The fact that it was Bella made things even more difficult. My eyes kept drifting over to the bed, envisioning scenes where she was spread out for me. Naked. Panting. Wet. Wanting.

A shirt, I reminded myself, rushing over to the chest of drawers. Seeing her in my clothes probably wasn't going to help much today, but it was the lesser of the evils.

And I'd take everything I could get right now.

I turned around to see her examining the wall of CDs and records I'd collected since I'd come to live with Carlisle and Esme. Her fingers dragged over their edges lightly as she walked closer to me.

"You weren't kidding about the music," she said lowly. Her eyes found mine, and the air left my lungs.

I sucked in a loud breath and ran my hand over my hair. "Uh, no. I- Here," I said, thrusting the t-shirt at her. "Bathroom's right there."

"Thanks." She made no attempt to change, and I thought I'd go mad trying not to openly stare at her chest.

"Do you play anything?"

"Not well…"

Her responding stare was disbelieving. "What exactly is it that you don't play well, Edward?"

I shifted awkwardly. "I picked up guitar a while back…But I play the piano, mostly."

Something flashed in her eyes. She looked a little sick with it. But before I could say anything, she had glanced back at the records. "So do you _have_ a piano?"

"Downstairs, yeah." I paused, debating on whether or not I should continue. "I… I actually used to go into random music stores in Chicago and fiddle with the baby grands on the showroom floors. I taught myself how to play that way… I didn't think I'd ever own one."

"And now you do," she said thickly.

Something was off. "Bella-"

"The Beatles?" she asked suddenly.

I nodded. Then remembered she wasn't looking directly at me. I went to say something but caught her humming "I Am the Walrus" and stopped short. Her voice was beautiful.

"I like all the psychedelic stuff the best," she said, stopping the tune just long enough to speak.

"Oh, really?" I squeaked.

She smiled over at me and kept humming.

"Favorite album?" she finally asked.

"Uh, I'm… It's…" I shook my head. "It's fucking cliché."

"The White Album," she answered knowingly.

"Yeah."

"Don't worry. It's mine, too." She pulled it out and carefully ran her fingers over the cover. "I always wondered what getting high with that guru guy of theirs in India was like."

I coughed in surprise. How the hell did this girl know so much about… well, everything?

She answered my unspoken question, "I read a lot in the hospital. Anything I could get my hands on interested me. Even boring medical textbooks. I could probably recite my heart transplant step-by-step."

"Really?"

"But I don't want to. It makes everything…" She sighed heavily. "Anyway, I was always too chickenshit to try anything like that. And now I can't, so it doesn't really matter, does it?"

"You're not missing out on anything. Trust me," I muttered. I may have already admitted this to her, but I was still uncomfortable as hell talking about it.

She eyed me carefully, and then nodded, slipping the album back in place. "I'll go change."

She reached the bathroom door and spun around, opening her mouth a couple of times before finally getting the courage to say, "Your room… It… suits you."

She darted through the door and closed it gently behind her before I could say anything back. I looked around my room now that she was gone and realized just how empty it felt without her in it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for everyone's amazing reviews, and the adds, of course. I hug you all. No more threats. I'm just going to do it now.**

**Thanks to Stratan for being the best beta in the world, and thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading this chapter. I am so nervous about it because um... Well, you'll see. They helped kick my anxious ass into shape.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 13<p>

**Bella**

I studied my reflection in the massive mirror that hung over the sink in Edward's bathroom. The Diet Coke was rinsed out of my hair. The soaked shirt I'd been wearing now lying over the edge of his tub. I still looked the same, albeit tired and a little weathered from all the emotions I had running through me lately. I felt so much differently, though. Like I'd changed in the short time I'd been in Forks, and I knew it had something to do with Edward. He was making me… I didn't know what he was molding me into. I just knew that I liked the girl I had started to become; that I felt whole again.

And like everything, it seemed, it scared me. I had so much going through my mind, so much I wanted to say, but I couldn't seem to figure out how, exactly, to say it. Maybe it was fear of the unknown that kept the words bottled up inside. Fear of what people would think of me after they found out. Fear of Edward's reaction. Because even with all that I knew about him, I wasn't entirely sure how he'd react. He was so volatile. I had no doubt that he meant what he said: that he couldn't be without me. But that was before Maggie. Before I shoved his past down his throat.

With a deep breath, I turned and went back out into his bedroom, expecting Edward to be pacing, chewing on the inside of his cheek, running his hands through his hair awkwardly or something else that was equally comforting to me. To my surprise, he was nowhere to be found. The door had been left open, and I briefly wondered if after our kiss in the kitchen, he'd finally had all he could take and fled, but as I moved down the hall and toward the stairs, I heard music filter through the air. He was doing the exact opposite of running away.

He was letting me see another piece of himself.

Tears sprung to my eyes, and I took a steadying breath as I climbed down the steps, willing for them to stop before I walked into that room. But when I finally found my way through the house and saw him at the large, black baby grand piano…

They came faster.

His hands moved with impossible quickness. His long fingers splayed out over the keys, the stains from his work in the garage contrasting against the perfect ivory. His body swayed as he got lost in the music he created. Clips of the home videos the Carrs had shown me of Maggie playing at their home, at recitals and concerts, flickered in my mind. Until now, I hadn't seen anything other than the color of their eyes that definitively showed they were related. And it turned out that all I needed was to get Edward by the piano. Because they were identical when it came to this one thing.

It broke my heart to know they'd never get to enjoy it together.

The music stopped, and Edward glanced over at me nervously.

I cleared my throat and tried for a smile. "That was pretty. I've never heard it before."

"It's um… That's because I wrote it."

I bit down on my bottom lip hard to distract myself from the need to cry some more. Maggie composed too.

"Bella?"

I went to speak, but the words caught in my throat. All I could think was that if Edward had been given the same opportunities Maggie had been given, he might have chosen a different path. He might not have been interested in becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon, because being shot in that alley in Chicago wouldn't have been a part of his past. He might have let his passion guide him, just like Maggie had. He might've won awards and gotten the prestige—the thrill—Maggie did by performing for so many different people.

But then he'd never be the man standing in front of me, either.

"Play something else," I whispered, crossing the room to sit next to him.

He stared at me for a while, unmoving, before finally letting his hands drift into one of the sweetest melodies I'd ever heard. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, realizing that this was it. I couldn't hold it inside anymore. To do so would not only hurt myself but him as well. This was my opportunity, and if I let it slip away...

Guilt would eat me alive, and then any possibility—however slim—of being with Edward would be destroyed right along with me. I was so attached to this prickly, stubborn, socially awkward, and beautiful man now.

And if I lost him because of this...

I didn't move for a while. I was well aware that the song had ended long ago and that Edward was fidgeting nervously beside me. But I had to gather my strength and steel myself against the harsh words that were bound to come when I finally said...

"Maggie played like this."

His arm tensed beneath my forehead, and so I reluctantly moved away to gauge his reaction.

"How do you know that?" he asked lowly. The look he gave me was wary.

"That's the thing..." My voice wavered, so I took a deep breath to compose myself. I hadn't even uttered the words yet, and already, I was having a hard time dealing with the thought of him going back on every word he said to me.

Because how could he still want to be with the liar, the girl who harbored a piece of his past inside her?

"What thing?" he demanded, scooting further away from me.

"I not only found out Maggie's name, but I... I did research on her. Met her parents."

"You what?" he shouted incredulously. "Why?"

I shrugged because I honestly had no answer for him. I'd simply been driven to. "The Carrs adopted her when she was little. Five. She had blonde hair, green eyes, perfect, creamy skin..."

"Why are you telling me this?"

When I didn't answer, he got mad.

"Bella," he snapped. "What the hell is with you?"

"I... Take me home?"

He let out a sharp breath and looked at the medical journal sitting off to the side. "I need to get that over to Carlisle."

"I know. I need to get back to Charlie. But I-" God, I couldn't form a sentence anymore. "There's something I want you to see."

More skepticism. Not that I could blame him. I was acting strange, even by my standards. I'd always been upfront with him, and now…

Edward's driving was worse when he was agitated, but I was only barely able to register the way he took a turn too sharply or watch the scenery blur as he sped down the narrow road to Charlie's. I was too busy trying to stop my thoughts from jumbling together and come up with a plan. This was not how I'd pictured this happening. I wanted to make copies of everything for him to keep, spend more time working on that letter I'd come home and started after our night on the baseball field together. I still hadn't found the time to learn more about Elizabeth and the terms of Maggie's adoption… how it was that Edward didn't know she existed when a six year old should be more than aware of his sister's sudden disappearance from his life, or why they separated the two of them in the first place.

But I'd have to make do without it.

Edward put the car in park and turned to face me, his face contorted worriedly. "You're… you're fucking freaking me out here, Bella," he said harshly.

I sighed. I was botching this completely. "I know I'm acting weird. And I'm sorry. I need to show you something, though. I promise you'll understand when you see it."

Among other things.

"Okay," he said slowly.

"It's inside."

I silently got out of the car, not bothering to look back at Edward as I made my way to the front door. I was surprisingly able to unlock the door on the first try despite my nerves, and I quickly made my way to my room to grab the file on Maggie, my journal, and all the photos and newspaper clippings I had stashed away, and then bring them back out to the front stoop where Edward was sitting… waiting.

He took in everything I held in my hands with an odd look.

"I- We need to talk," I croaked. "About everything."

He abruptly stood up and took a few steps further away from me. "I see," he said coldly.

"No," I laughed, on the verge of hysteria, "you don't. Nothing you're thinking can even come close to the reality."

"Jesus fucking Christ, just explain it then," he replied, glaring at me.

I thrust the information at him, not knowing what else to do. "I need you to take this and read it. All of it. Everything you need to know is there."

He reluctantly took it out of my hand, gazing at me anxiously. "Why?"

_Jump._

"Because… because Maggie's your sister."

He stiffened, narrowed his eyes. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"She's…" I hiccupped, and a tear escaped my eye. "She's your… your sister."

Another step back. "That shit's not fucking funny, Bella," he snarled.

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

One hand flew up to his hair, sending it all over the place. "What the fuck?" he screamed. The sound bounced off the house, startling me. "You… You're telling me your donor is my sister?"

I could only nod.

"That's impossible. I don't have a fucking sister."

"That's not what her adoption paperwork says," I mumbled, wiping at my eyes.

His face went ashen. "What?" he breathed.

"Edward and Elizabeth Masen were listed as her biological parents."

He let out a strangled sound. I didn't even try to understand the emotion behind it, because there was no way I could ever imagine processing this kind of information if I were him. Not with his past.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I didn't… I couldn't…"

"How long have you known?" he asked, his jaw clenched tightly, his fingers nearly digging into the thick brown leather of the journal.

I didn't answer immediately.

I was such a coward.

"Bella, I swear to fucking God if you don't tell me-"

"I knew she had a brother here. Charlie had to dig to get your name since you were also adopted. I-"

"HOW LONG?" he roared.

I closed my eyes, unable to see his hatred of me when I said the words. "Since the day I got here."

Silence. And I still couldn't look at him.

"I should have known," he said lowly.

My eyes snapped open; the pain in his voice was almost too much for me to stand.

"I should have known you were too good to be true," he continued. "I didn't deserve any of this. I didn't-"

He choked on his words, and I instinctively took a step forward.

"Don't fucking come near me, Bella," he seethed, retreating some more.

I sobbed once. "Edward-"

He held up his hand and shook his head. "_No_," he said fiercely.

He spun around and stomped off toward the car, miraculously still holding on to all the information I'd given him.

And I blindly followed.

"Edward," I tried again. "Wait."

But he didn't acknowledge me.

I halfway expected to see him throw everything I'd given him on the ground as he raced to his car, but instead, he merely opened the driver's side door, got in then slammed it so hard behind him that the entire car shook from the force of it. Or maybe it was me. I stood there trembling, unable to tear my eyes away from its darkened windows with the hope that maybe Edward would take a second to thumb through it all, and then get out and talk to me, let me explain. Only that didn't happen at all. The sound of an engine broke me free from all that... _hope,_ and had me racing over to the passenger's side.

I flung the door open and bent down to see him.

The look on his face tore me apart.

"Shut the goddamned door," he growled.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything at all. Only no sound came out.

"I'm not fucking kidding, Bella. Shut. The. Goddamned. Door." Pause. "_Now."_

I somehow got enough wits about me to obey and shut the door, knowing that he needed time._ I_ needed time. He didn't even bother letting the door close all the way before he had wrenched the car in gear and was backing out of the drive way. The tires squealed loudly as he peeled out on the street, speeding away from me as fast as the engine allowed. My knees buckled as soon as he was out of sight, and I let myself collapse onto the wet ground, because I was so…

Numb.

Stupid.

Naive...

_Me._

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><p>I wasn't sure how long I sat there on the grass before I left to see Charlie at the hospital. I searched the parking lot for Edward's car, but I didn't see it. Not that I thought I would. Just hoping to. I couldn't seem to let that hope go, regardless of his reaction earlier.<p>

Which was the reason I was clinging to my phone like a lifeline.

It took Charlie all of two seconds to realize something was wrong with me. He seemed almost ready to jump out of bed, but thankfully, he thought better of it and straightened up instead.

"What happened?" he asked, his eyes searching me for some kind of reassurance, I was sure.

"Nothing. It's nothing," I responded. "How are you feeling?"

He jerked a shoulder up. "Tired."

I didn't need to say anything back to that. He knew I understood completely. "So what do you want to do when you get out?"

"Eat something other than hospital food," he answered.

"As long as it's not diner food," I countered.

"Bella," he groaned unhappily.

"Dad, I can't... No. It's not happening."

He took in the pleading way I stared at him and nodded once.

"You scared me," I admitted quietly. It was the first time I'd said it in the days that had passed. "If Edward hadn't been there..."

"You would have called the ambulance yourself," he said roughly.

"So people keep telling me," I muttered. But I still didn't believe it.

"Where is Edward, anyway? I haven't seen him in a while."

"Around," I answered petulantly. I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about what had just happened yet.

"Isabella Marie." My eyes snapped up to his in shock; he never used my full name. "I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked him the other night."

I practically gulped. "Which is?"

"What are you doing with him?"

The normal curiosity I would have had about Edward's answer was immensely overshadowed by my panic. I wasn't doing _anything_ with him. Not anymore. "I don't... I'm not-"

Another annoyed groan stopped any more words I might have been trying to say. "Damn it, Bella. The kid cares for you. And he doesn't know what you have inside you."

I couldn't look at him now. "Uh-"

He mistook my hesitance for something else, and plowed on.

"I've always been so proud of you," he murmured thoughtfully. "You've handled everything that's been thrown at you with such... maturity. Until now. Now... Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in you.

I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat. Charlie had been disappointed in me. Knowing that was so much worse than finding out what anyone else would think of the situation. I realized he was the only person in Forks whose opinion truly mattered to me. With everyone else, I'd deal. Charlie, though…

"I thought when you first started this, it would be what you needed to move on and accept what you'd been given. Maybe finally get a chance to live your life. You were so hell-bent on learning everything about Maggie and her family, so it's not like I would have been able to change your mind or anything. We're alike that way, you know."

"I know," I whispered.

"And then when you found out that her brother lived here… Well, I thought it would be a way to give you what you needed while getting to see you every single morning before you went off to college. But now I… I see what it's doing to you. And I'm trying to let you do it your way, because I know you're capable of getting through this without me. You've never needed me to baby you.

"But you're miserable. You've been miserable since you started getting closer to Edward. And as your parent, all I want for you is to be happy."

"Why are you giving me this speech now, Dad? Why not before I had any kind of relationship with Edward?"

"Because I'm trying here," he said gruffly. "You of all people should understand why."

It seemed like everyone was saying things like that to me these days.

But he was right. I did. There was something about near death experiences that made you want to right all your wrongs. It was partially the reason why I'd entertained the idea of finding out who my donor was in the first place. Maybe if Maggie had any wrongs, I could help set them right. If only I'd realized then that the only wrong in Maggie's life was that she didn't know of Edward's existence.

I might've bailed before I had a chance to get wrapped up in the task.

_Too late now._

"Anyway, as I was saying, falling in love with your donor's brother is only going to end up in disaster."

I scoffed, "I don't love him."

I was met with a long, hard look of disbelief.

"I don't even know him," I continued. "Not really."

"Bella, you think not knowing something trivial like what city someone was born in or how they butter their toast in the morning makes any difference at all? You love the person for what those facts and details about their life made them become. Not the facts themselves."

I opened my mouth a few times, and then finally snapped it closed. Charlie was right. This was the reason why I felt so different now, why I felt whole when before, I'd been missing... _something._ That something was Edward. I just hadn't known it yet.

So I shook my head mutely, afraid that if I said anything at all, I'd confess the truth.

I was in love with Edward Cullen. I loved his laugh, his smile, his anger, the pieces of his story he'd let me see... I loved how he made me feel, how lost I was when he kissed me, and how he stole my breath with just a glance. He'd helped my father without even trying, simply because it was a part of who he is and because I was somehow important to him.

I was insanely lucky to have been important to him, even if it ended up being only for that brief amount of time.

"It doesn't matter now," I said softly, looking down at my hands at my lap.

"What? Why not?"

"Because I just told him."

"About Maggie?"

I nodded, my chin trembling with the urge to cry. No more tears, though, I promised myself. I could get through this. Just like I got through everything.

He didn't say anything for a while, and I thought it was probably because there was nothing for him _to _say.

Then he surprised me and laughed.

"What is so funny?" I asked angrily. I went to get up off the bed, but was pulled back down by my father's hand.

"You let me go into this huge speech about telling him, when you already did. It's just…" He laughed more and shook his head.

"Yeah, well, you sounded like you'd practiced it a lot. Figured I might as well let you get it out," I muttered.

"You're right," he chuckled. "I rehearsed it all day long."

"Could you stop laughing now?" I glowered at him, causing him to smartly school his expression.

"Okay, okay," he relented. "What happened to make you tell him now?"

"He was playing the piano…" I saw the knowing look flicker across Charlie's face and nodded again. "So I made him take me home and gave him everything I had on Maggie. It was ridiculous, really. But how are you supposed to say something like that?"

"How'd he take it?"

I shook my head in response.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, baby."

With that one term of endearment, I couldn't take trying to be strong anymore. I broke down and sobbed, almost flinging myself at my poor, unsuspecting father.

And he simply let me. I'd never been more thankful for him than I was at that very moment.

Eventually, I drew in a shuddering breath and tried to wipe some of the snot off of my face. I was sure I looked pathetic. "What did I do?"

"The best you could," he replied. "Did he take everything you gave him?"

"Yeah," I sniffled. "I was shocked. I figured with as mad as he was he'd have thrown it in a puddle or something."

Then it crossed my mind that maybe he was so angry he didn't realize he still had it all in his hand.

My stomach dropped. I didn't want to lose all of that too.

Turns out, I wasn't a coward at all. I was a selfish bitch.

"Give him time. He… just needs to process it."

I nodded and buried my face against his chest wanting so badly to believe him.

But I couldn't.

Something deep in my gut told me that it could never be that easy.

xx

Hours drifted by.

I sat in that hospital room with Charlie, my eyes roaming to the door instead of staying focused on the TV in front of us. I shifted and looked out the window, thinking that maybe I'd see his Volvo pull into the lot somewhere. I even got my hopes up a few times as a glimpse of silver caught my eyes. But the cars were always wrong. Wrong make. Wrong model. Wrong driver.

I glanced down at my phone again.

Nothing.

Still.

But I couldn't let go of it. Not yet. I'd held onto my phone all day long.

Just in case.

Hoped for some kind of… _acknowledgment _from Edward, praying that I still had a chance.

"Bella?"

I stopped bouncing long enough to look at Charlie. "Hmm?"

"It's only been a few hours. Give the kid a break."

"But I-"

"_Hours_," he repeated. "Go home. Get some sleep."

I tried to argue again.

He cut me off before I could.

"I'll see you in the morning."

xx

I was startled awake by the sound of my window creaking open. I shot up into a sitting position and blinked, pulling in a shaky breath at the figure coming through it. At first, I wondered how I'd managed to fall asleep at all. It seemed like once I lied down, my anxiousness grew. I tossed, tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach and the burn in my chest. I tried to shut off my brain, but I just kept imagining different scenarios, over and over, loop after loop.

And then I snapped out of it.

"Hey," I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

I was met with silence.

I reached over and flipped on the light, fighting tears as soon as I saw Edward's face. So much rage and sadness was in his eyes, but his face was the perfect mask of indifference I'd seen when I first arrived.

The message was clear.

He'd shut me out entirely.

I'd screwed up any chance I might've had with him.

And now he wanted nothing to do with me.

I glanced down at my hands, watching my fingers twist nervously. I couldn't help myself. To look at him would make me truly break down and cry.

I'd made such a mess of everything.

"You're quitting your job," he gritted out. "Effective immediately."

"What? No, I can't quit my job!" I argued. "I need the money. Especially now, after…"

He glanced away. "Tell someone who gives a fuck. I don't want you around me or my family. So you're not coming back."

As much as his words hurt, it didn't escape me that he couldn't look at me when he said it, and I knew him too well now to fall for it.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't give a fuck," I returned.

His furious eyes found mine at once. "I don't give a fuck," he said, enunciating every word to get his point across.

"Liar."

"Takes one to know one, doesn't it?" he sneered.

"I never lied to you," I replied. "Ever. And you know it."

"Oh, so then I was just some game to you. Fuck with the donor's pathetic brother to get your kicks?"

"No, Edward… Everything I have ever said to you… Every stupid smile—kiss—was because I wanted it. I want you. I'll _always_ want you."

"Yeah, well, I don't want you."

I couldn't stop the tears with that.

"Why?" I asked. "Because I couldn't figure out how to tell you? Because I didn't want," I gestured between us, "this to happen? Because I knew how you'd react and I was terrified of it? Did you even bother reading anything I gave you?"

"No. I'm not interested in anything you give me, Bella," he seethed. And then he did something unexpected.

He sat down at the foot of my bed.

"You represent everything I hate about myself. You… To look at you is going to-" He stopped, and I almost thought I heard him let out a sob. "_Break_ me."

"So would you rather I have died?" I asked flatly. "Then you wouldn't have to literally come face to face with your past that way, right?"

His entire body whipped around toward me, his eyes glassy. "No," he breathed.

"Then I don't understand," I cried. "It's not just me who wanted this."

"I can't fucking do it. You've dragged every fucking memory I have of that place out and I feel like… like I'm drowning in it. I don't want… I can't…"

He shook his head and abruptly stood.

"You didn't think about what this was like for me once today, did you?" I asked stupidly, immediately regretting how horrible it sounded the second it came out of my mouth.

"The fuck?" he shouted. "Think about you, the girl who lied to me all this time?"

"We already went over this," I ground out. "I did not lie to you."

"Fine, whatever. You didn't lie." He paused as his thoughts took another turn. "I told you shit, Bella. I fucking- God damn it, and now you tell me I should have thought about you on the day the bottom fell out on me? My... mother turned out to be even more of a-"

He didn't finish. Instead, he grabbed a little, white figurine that had sat on my nightstand collecting dust since I was a child and launched it at the wall with a feral sound. It shattered against the wall, dust and pieces sprinkling the carpet as it fell apart. I was almost sure it had been something I'd been given by my grandmother. But staring over at it, I couldn't seem to find the will to care that it was gone.

"I know you think I'm the lowest form of shit right now, Edward," I whispered.

"You've got that fucking right," he growled.

I didn't let his interruption deter me. "But do you have any idea how hard this has been for me? That maybe, just maybe, I didn't want any of this? You think I wanted to have this fucking heart condition and then get a transplant? That I wanted to meet you…? To… to…"

"To what, Bella?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"To fall in love with you, damn it."

_Oh, shit._

Something primal flashed in his eyes with my words, and before I knew it, he was in my face, looming over me. His breathing was ragged; his eyes bore into mine, seeking truth. His fist pounded on the headboard, shaking the entire bed, and I let out a little squeak of fear at the flash of movement, knowing I was trapped… that I'd caused his temper to finally flare out of control.

But I knew he wouldn't hurt me, no matter how angry he was at that second.

"Fuck," he shouted before dropping his head with a groan. He shuddered and closed his eyes, his hands gripping the headboard so tightly it made a groaning sound, and I could tell he was working to calm himself and think about what I'd just admitted.

So I let him. At this point, there was only his rejection standing in the way. And I was fairly sure I was going to get that no matter what I said.

"You can't-" he eventually said. "I'm such... shit."

"I do," I whispered. I took a chance and shifted beneath him to put my hands on his chest, over his pounding heart. He flinched hard, but never moved, causing me to realize that whatever was going on with him was bigger than Maggie, me. Something else kept holding him back.

"I do," I repeated. "Because you're not shit. You're a fucking hypocrite."

"How the fuck am I a hypocrite, Bella?" he asked sharply, pulling in a heavy breath.

"Because you can't give me all of yourself, when I've risked losing you to give you the only thing I've ever held back: this stupid fucking muscle in my chest. I've told you all my secrets, yet you still hold something inside. Why?"

We sat there like that, silent, for what felt like hours, neither of us moving, talking... breathing.

And then his eyes found mine, softened ever so slightly, and my breath caught in my throat. "I hate that you're so perceptive."

"You don't. But whatever."

He rasped out something barely passable for a laugh and changed positions, settling onto the bed next to me.

More silence.

And then a sigh. I didn't know which one of us it came from.

"It wasn't bullshit when I said I couldn't look at you the same way."

"I know."

"I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm too…"

"I know," I said again.

He nodded.

"So where does that leave us?" I whispered, even though I already knew. Nothing I did or said would make a difference to Edward right now. He needed more than just me. More than what I knew to give him. And I didn't have the slightest clue how to help him find it.

"Nowhere, Bella. It leaves us fucking nowhere."

* * *

><p><strong>Uh... yeah. It's probably not what a lot of you had in mind. I don't know. I'm just going to go hang out in my hidey hole with some turkey day food and stuff my face.<strong>

**Have a Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it on Thursday. **


	14. Chapter 14

**So... Ok, I think I'll come out of hiding long enough to post. Thank you for the reviews, adds, and all the Thanksgiving Day wishes. **

**Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing, and thanks to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading.**

**Oh, I almost forgot. To everyone who asked: Yes, this is HEA. I swear. :)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 14<p>

**Edward**

I rubbed my thumb over my lighter, staring at the stack of shit Bella had given me sitting in the passenger's seat. No way was I looking at it. No way was I reliving the fucking nightmare that had been my life in Chicago. No way was I seeing how my _sister_ managed to live a life after her escape, while I was forced into one that would forever change me.

Ruin me.

I grabbed a cigarette out of the pack I'd bought before heading over to the garage. It was such a simple thing, really, but it held more meaning than anyone could imagine. Did I light it, smoke it, and go back to the way I was before? Or did I stay this... this... human-esque man that Bella Swan had created.

Loved.

"Fuck," I mumbled, slipping the cigarette between my lips so that I could drag my hands through my hair in frustration.

She loved me. She did what no one else ever had. She saw me for who I was, even when my guard was standing strong against her. Her words wrecked me, completed me, and thrilled me all at once. They caused more emotion than I was able to bear, and I thought I might... Well, I thought my pussy ass might just cry with her admission.

Because never in my life did I think I'd hear it from someone outside my family.

But she was a liar, a fake, so the sentiment meant nothing now. The Bella Swan I knew was a myth, something I desperately sought out when my memories tormented me because she soothed the ache and provided a distraction. She'd fooled me into thinking that I could make something of myself, us. Except every word that had come from her mouth wasn't real. _She_ wasn't real.

If only that were true.

The truth was that _Bella_ wasn't the issue at all. It was me, and all my bullshit. As always, she'd seen me for what I really was, and known that there was so much more of my past that I wasn't letting go. She was never a liar. That descriptor was reserved for me and me alone. She was simply... Fuck, every strange interaction, every moment I questioned something she did or said, made perfect sense now. Every time she mentioned something about a someone else in the future, the next girl, made sense. She'd always known that I wouldn't be able to look at her the same way again.

And yet she'd gotten close to me anyway.

She was quite possibly the bravest girl I'd ever known.

Or the stupidest. I hadn't decided yet.

She was here because of a girl whose mere existence hurt me. The heart I'd once revered because it kept _my_ amazing girl alive was now something I despised. I couldn't even think about it without feeling resentment and anger pounding through me. Maggie had a good life. Maggie was special.

Maggie was everything I had been denied.

Maggie was _normal_.

So that was that, then. I'd found someone who meant something to me, who - unbelievably - wanted me back, yet I couldn't stand to be with her anymore. Touch her.

Fate fucking hated me. So I decided to tell fate, and Bella, "fuck you" in my own, personal way...

I reached up to light the cigarette, unconcerned with the fact that this would be the first time I ever smoked in my car, and stopped when the back door of the garage was flung open.

Emmett came storming out, and if I had one guess as to why he was suddenly so pissed off at me, I'd guarantee it had something to do with Bella. Because my selfishness knew no bounds. I was putting Emmett in a bind by taking away one of his employees.

The guilt stung. But not enough to take back those words I'd said to her last night.

There was no way I could handle being trapped in the same building with her day after day. What I'd felt before, the anxiety and apprehension, couldn't compare to how I felt now. I knew how wonderful Bella Swan was. I'd shared a part of myself that I'd never shared with anyone else before with her... felt what it was like to have that connection with someone. I knew what it felt like to touch her, taste her... hold her.

And now I knew what it was like to have it all taken away.

He yanked my car door open forcefully, causing me to arch my brow and stare up at him in annoyance.

"Rip it off the hinges during this little hissy fit, and I'll kick your ass before I make you fix it," I said evenly, hiding all the turmoil inside me.

"What the fu-?" Emmett's blue eyes widened when he saw the cigarette between my lips. He crushed it as he jerked it out of my mouth and threw it on the ground. "What the fuck did you do?"

"Don't know what you mean."

"Bella just fucking quit!" he yelled. "No notice, nothing. She just quit! And you're out here smoking. So I repeat: What the fuck did you do?"

"Ah," I said bitterly. "It's not what _I_ did, Em. It's what _she_ did. Of course, she had us all fooled into thinking she was this wide-eyed, innocent girl. So I suppose I shouldn't blame you for taking her side over mine. If I didn't know the truth, I might have done the same."

I was surprised that the blasphemy flowed from my lips so easily.

Too bad Emmett didn't buy into it.

"Bullshit," he growled. "That's fucking bullshit and you know it."

"Is it?" I asked blandly. "You know her heart? The one she got oh... What was it? Ten months ago?"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"It was my sister's."

His mouth dropped in shock. "That's... impossible."

"She says it's not. And before you ask; yes, she knew the whole time."

His brows knit as he thought about that. "You don't know for sure, though?"

"Know what?" Jesus, I had way too much going on in my head. I couldn't even follow a simple conversation.

"That the um, the donor is your sister? Wouldn't Mom and Dad have all that kind of stuff and told you about it?"

"You'd think," I muttered. That was something else I was going to have to find out. If Carlisle and Esme hid this for me for any amount of time... I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to forgive them.

I stopped thinking about it because it only pissed me off, and made me want to destroy anything I could get my hands on. My Volvo was the closest thing to me, and even though I had no earlier qualms about smoking in it, I at least had the fucking wits not to _ruin _something that important... or expensive.

But all that anger was on the surface. I had no idea what this other feeling that lingered beneath it was, something that hadn't quite come to fruition since I didn't have all the facts yet.

"Supposedly, the paperwork's all there." I pointed to the stack of books and files with a snarl. "I just have to read it."

"So read it," he answered simply.

"No." I paused, a sudden thought crossing my mind. "In fact, I think I'll burn it. All of it."

He reached over me and snatched it all up before I could even think about grabbing it for myself. "The fuck you will. It's not your shit. If you're not going to give her enough credit to read it, then you're going to at least give it back to her."

I simply glared up at him. "Credit, Emmett? What the hell for?"

"For being Liberty," he answered. "For getting under your skin and changing you into someone we can all stand to be around now. Who cares about the reasons she had for coming here in the first place. You waited your whole life for her. And you're going to just let her walk away like this?"

I refused to listen to that. I didn't wait my whole life for Bella. I didn't _need _Bella. Not before she came to Forks, and certainly not now.

"We're done here," I said, getting up out of the car and pushing past him.

He grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back, throwing me up against the Volvo. I winced, but stared back at him defiantly.

"Why? Because it's true?"

"No, because..." I huffed and shoved him away from me. Surprisingly, he let me go, and silently watched me pace the asphalt beside him.

"What, Edward?" The way his voice wavered had my eyes darting up to meet his. "Talk to me. I'm so fucking tired of you shutting me out. We all are."

Shit, I'd never seen Emmett so... exposed before.

"All?" I croaked.

He nodded. I didn't have to ask him who "all" entailed. I already knew.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping that by not looking at him, I could find the words to explain the way I felt.

"I... I don't know if I can do it, Em. Get over it, I mean. She fucking... I loved that scar on her chest. _Loved_ it," I repeated. "It represented everything she'd gone through and how strong she was. And it was a... Fucking hell, it was a physical reminder of the fact that she needed me. No one's ever needed me like that before. Not even you and Jazz, with all your shit."

When he didn't speak, I took a chance and kept going. I wanted to climb back into the Volvo and retreat into myself again, but if Bella had taught me anything, it was to not shy away from things like I had before. Because saying the words out loud weren't really all that different from the knowledge to begin with.

I blinked with that, and wondered if maybe...

"She was the first person I thought really understood me," I told him, ignoring it, "other than Mom. And now... Now all I can think of when I see that scar is of how jealous I am. That Maggie might not be here anymore, but she was happy while she was. She got out. Our fucking bullshit parents kept me in that hell and gave her a life, and the fucked up state of Illinois just _let _them. So now I keep asking myself: why didn't I deserve the same thing?"

He thrust Bella's journal at me. "You don't know if any of that is true because you won't look at this."

"Emmett-"

"What are you afraid of?" he asked. "You just said that she was happy and had the life you didn't. That she was adopted... When?"

"When she was five," I mumbled, glancing over at the pack of cigarettes in my car. Christ, I needed one just to have something to do with myself.

"Ok, so she was adopted when she was five, and got all the perks that came with it. Before you. So what's the difference between knowing it and reading it? Are the specifics really going to change the way you feel about it?"

"I-"

"Furthermore," he said, flashing his dimples with my dumbfounded expression.

"Furthermore?" I interrupted. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I am. It sounds good, though, yeah?"

I almost laughed. Almost.

"So anyway, as I was saying, the only thing that could really change is your opinion of Bella."

"How... Why's that?"

"Because if you read this, you will see every waking thought Bella has ever had about this situation. You'll see her for who she really is. But I think you already do..." He trailed off with a shrug.

As much as I wanted to punch him for being Bella Swan's advocate, he was, unfortunately, also being the voice of reason. When it came to Bella, my emotions were all over the place, distorted and confusing. Magnified. They blinded me, and I was never really going to know what Bella's true intentions were unless I spoke to her - which was highly fucking unlikely since I couldn't even stand the sight of her right now - or read all the information she'd given me.

But no matter how hard I stared at what sat in Emmett's hands, I couldn't force myself to reach over and take anything from him.

"Do you know how much I hate you sometimes?" I finally sighed. I bent over and grabbed the pack of cigarettes, pitching it toward the trashcan by the door. There was no way I could light up a smoke, thanks to Bella. And that... that pissed me off even more, because before her, it had been my one vice; the one thing I let myself do in the midst of all the anxiety over my family's history. Because who really cared if I had a measly nicotine addiction when I was able to avoid wanting anything else?

And yet even through this betrayal - because I'd finally recognized that feeling brewing inside me - I still wanted to be good. _Good enough._ For her.

"Why, because I'm hot as fuck and have a badass IQ to boot?"

I snorted. "Keep dreaming, jackass."

He tossed all that information past me and back into the car. "Don't be a moron. That's all I'm saying."

"Fine," I huffed. "I'll... I'll try."

"Okay, then." He turned back toward the door. "Hey, Eddie?"

It was all I could do not to roll my eyes at him. "What?"

"Go home. You're not welcome in my garage for a while."

* * *

><p>I drove to the Third Beach trailhead and pulled over to the side of the road. I sat in my Volvo until the sun started to rise. I couldn't sleep. Not because of all the nightmares I dreaded like usual, but because of everything else. Or more simply put, <em>someone<em> else.

The air was thick with morning fog as I walked those seven miles to Falls Creek. This was where Carlisle and I came those first few months after I'd been adopted. He'd tried to let me adjust to my new life while simultaneously forcing me to exercise my weakened body. And I'd hated him for it. Then again, I'd have hated him for anything. I was scared as hell. Scared of the new life they'd given me. Scared of Elizabeth coming to her senses and taking me away from the... _good_ I'd found in the Cullens. Scared of healing. Of high school. Of my adopted brothers. Of everything.

But it wasn't fear I let them see. I pretended to be angry while I adjusted. I distanced myself from everyone new around me wielding my anger as a weapon. I was good at pretending. It'd saved me from being thrown in some disease-infested home back in Chicago. And back then, that had been the most important thing - staying out of the system. No matter how shitty my life had become, I had my independence. That independence was what kept me going after I'd freed myself from Aro. A home would have taken that, and nearly everything else, away from me, and then... I'd have surely died in that hospital, no longer having anything to my name at all.

Carlisle and Esme knew that I needed that independence when they found me, promising to give it to me in ways I never thought possible. Eventually, I saw how cheated I'd been, and I became bitter and resentful toward Elizabeth, my absent fucking father... Toward Aro and every social worker who'd come to my mother's shithole apartment building to check on some other kid and still, somehow, didn't see my life for what it really was.

So the anger became real, and I worked to barricade everyone out, my new family included. Because if I never let them in to begin with, they couldn't hurt me like everyone else had.

Only they'd managed to weasel their way into my bruised heart at some point. And to this day, I couldn't honestly figure out when it'd happened.

It'd taken weeks before that skinny kid was finally healed enough to be able to make it to the falls. I'd instantly loved it, though I was too fucked up and lost in my own head to truly realize it. By the time my vision cleared, I was too used to the green of this environment to really appreciate it for what it was. And I'd never really gotten a chance to see it the way an inexperienced, fourteen year old kid should.

Until Bella.

I shook my head in an effort to stop rehashing the past again, instead focusing on... Well, on not fucking falling and twisting an ankle or some shit on my way up the trail. It didn't take me as long to get to my destination as the last time I'd hiked these woods; I was missing a vital piece of what had made the falls finally come alive for me. Bella was nowhere in sight, likely curled up in bed like everyone else in this town. She would never walk this trail with me again. I'd never see her admire the plants, stumble over a rock. I'd never see her smile as she looked at the falls... Never feel her against me as we climbed to the top.

I came closer to the falls and abruptly stopped, dragging in a loud breath as I gazed around. I shouldn't have come here. It was such a bad fucking idea to come back to where it all really started. I wasn't sure why I thought I could stand next to the creek and not see Bella in every part of these woods, not ache. I wanted to go back and feel her lying against me again, kiss her...

Then I remembered whose heart she had and why I wasn't currently on speaking terms with her, and all that want - that joy - faded away, and I was left feeling much like I had before she'd come into my life: angry and bitter, a shell of the man she'd made me, once more.

I dropped down and put my hands in the creek, cringing as the cold water drifted over them. Ever the one for endured suffering, I splashed the water on my face and shivered convulsively as the chill from it ran through my body. Then repeated the process all over again.

"This place is just as nice as I remembered it. It's a shame I don't get to come here with your father more often."

Startled at my mother's voice, I lost my balance and nearly fell into the creek. I managed to right myself just before I tumbled into the icy water and stood up quickly, glaring back at her.

"Jesus Christ, Mom," I grumbled. "What are you doing here?"

"Emmett called," she explained.

"Fuck," I cursed, dragging my wet hands through my hair.

"Edward," she admonished gently. But I knew she expected no less from me.

"What did he tell you?"

"Just that something was going on with you. But I had already figured that out."

"How? I've hardly seen you guys in the last couple of days."

"Exactly."

I blinked wordlessly.

Then she smiled at me and the delusion of secrecy shattered.

"I'm fine," I growled.

Her brows shot up but she let me step onto a boulder at the edge of the creek without a word, waiting for me to... Hell, I didn't know what she was waiting for, and I was too disoriented to try to figure it out.

My hands fidgeted nervously at my side as I stared down at the water below me and tried to figure out where to begin. We were alone, so I decided now was the time to talk to her about it. Only, I didn't know how to broach the subject of Bella's donor with either of my parents without becoming completely and irrationally enraged, and that was something I was quickly realizing that I didn't want to do anymore. While they were used to my inability to communicate and the sudden outbursts, it didn't change the fact that I was now seeing them for what they truly were. Absurd. Useless. The rantings of a boy who'd bottled up his thoughts and emotions until they spewed out of him like an erupting volcano. Being with Bella had forced me to talk, share, because - unbelievably - I'd _wanted _her to know me. And even though I was no longer with her, I couldn't deny the fact that I'd been happier in the days since telling her a part of my history.

Or it could've just been from the girl herself. A deep seated part of me seemed to long for her, obvious by all the times I'd lamented over not being able to touch her already.

Christ, I was screwed. No matter how angry I was at the situation, I fucking missed her, and it'd only been a couple of days. I wasn't sure how I'd make it my whole life without her.

And then I reminded myself that I hadn't given myself enough time to even attempt it, much less live it. But I still I hated having that knee-jerk reaction. To have it meant that I was undecided, that my feelings were clouding my reasoning; that my fucking heart still wanted to be with her, no matter how much my brain refused it.

And I was so goddamned sick of being torn up about life.

Esme's fingers wrapped around my arm, stopping my ridiculous movements. I held my breath, bracing for the panic that always came from an outsider's touch. But it didn't come, of course. This was Esme; she was one of the two people in this world who knew it wouldn't bother me at that moment.

And so my thoughts drifted to Bella again.

"Honey," she said softly, "you seem... off."

I nodded. It was all I could come up with as a response. Although, _off _was definitely not the right word to describe me.

Miserable, maybe, did what I felt more justice.

"Because of Bella," she deduced.

I merely nodded again.

"Did you two break up?"

I scoffed. "We weren't exactly dating in the first place."

"Weren't you?"

"I-" I snapped my mouth shut, deciding not to answer that. I'd never really considered what we looked like on the outside. We'd never labeled ourselves or promised each other anything. We simply were. Saying that aloud seemed... stupid, though.

"Can I... Can I ask you something?" I said instead.

"You can ask me anything. You know that."

I nodded. Fuck, I was like a bobblehead today or something. "Did you... Did you ever see that journal Bella wrote in?"

"No," Esme said slowly. I glanced up at her just in time to see her give me a quick, wary look.

At that second, I was betting she hated her ability to read me so well.

"I have it."

Silence.

"In the car," I continued. "With a bunch of other stuff she gave me. I'm not sure what it all is, really."

She still didn't speak, waiting patiently for me to be the one to talk.

So I forced myself to. It didn't escape me that I was getting better at it, but I saved the analysis for later. I could figure it out some other day. Maybe discuss it with Dr. Banner or something.

Because I was still going to therapy, apparently.

"Bella wants me to... She wants me to read it."

"That's something awfully personal for her to share," she baited.

A bitter sound rose out of me. "No shit."

She gave me a sharp look, silently reprimanding me. Seemed I only got one pass when it came to my language today.

"Sorry." I inhaled sharply. "I don't know why I'm even asking. It's not like you're going to tell me-"

"Don't presume to know what I would and wouldn't tell you," Esme interrupted harshly. My eyes shot up to hers, and I instantly realized how annoyed she was with my behavior. Not that I could blame her. Getting better at talking didn't really mean much. I still had trouble finding the words.

Old habits die hard and all that shit.

"You're my son," she said emphatically. "I'll tell you anything. Always. Same with your father."

I nearly laughed. "Right. Because Carlisle can definitely disregard HIPAA laws."

Large, confused brown eyes stared back at me. But as pretty as my mother's eyes were, they didn't have the same effect that Bella's eyes did.

No one's would, of that I was sure.

Fuck.

"What is this about?" Esme finally demanded. "Why would your father need to give you any kind of information about his patients?"

I didn't answer, and Esme's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Or should I be asking what it is that your father could tell you about Bella?"

"Because..." I dragged my hands through my hair and gazed over at the waterfall. "Ah, fuck. Bella's heart donor is my biological sister. Maggie... something. I don't know what her last name is; I didn't bother looking."

"What?" she gasped. "How would Bella know something like that?"

"She made the chief look her up because... God, I don't even know why. I guess... I guess I just need to know if you two knew."

She seemed speechless, so I repeated myself.

"If ever, at any time in my life, did you or Dad know I had a sister?" I asked, locking my eyes with hers.

And it was then that _I _knew. She'd had no idea about any of it. Neither of them did.

"How the fuck did this happen then?" I demanded. "How did Bella find this out if I didn't know...? If I don't have any...?"

Shit, I couldn't breathe. I stumbled back to the shore and collapsed on the ground, staring up at the canopy of trees above us and pushing myself back into the past. Surely, I could remember a blonde haired little sister tagging along behind me just once. Or maybe she'd been older...

Only I couldn't remember anyone other than me living in that apartment with Elizabeth. Nor could I ever remember Elizabeth having photos of Maggie anywhere in the little black lacquered box that held those of my father.

It was like her life as a Masen never fucking existed.

"You know you're going to have to just talk to her," she said, reading me perfectly. "It's on your record somewhere, because Charlie Swan found it."

"Why didn't you find it?"

"Because Elizabeth never said anything. And we weren't looking. We just wanted you, Edward," she said softly, "before you were released from hospital care and without a home again."

"It doesn't matter."

"Are you saying that you wouldn't have wanted to know about her?"

I shook my head.

"You still don't want to know about her?" she pressed.

I honestly didn't know anymore. I shied away from the thought of anything to do with Maggie, but at the same time...

Something drew me to her. Maybe that had been part of the reason I could never stay away from Bella. Because of-

Shit, I didn't like that theory one bit. So I immediately discounted it. Bella was Bella. I didn't like her because of some creepy connection with a dead sister.

It was innate curiosity. Anyone would feel it.

Except, it still wasn't enough to go back to the chief's and take her in my arms again.

"I can't talk to Bella about it. I can't even..." I trailed off, hearing how my voice cracked and scowled.

"Edward, I love you. But you're entirely too stubborn for your own good. At least I know how to choose my battles."

I glowered over at her, and then squeezed my eyes closed. She was so fucking right. It was pride that kept me from looking at Bella's journal. Pride that kept me from pushing everything aside, taking her in my arms, and striving to make something of myself with her. Curious or not, I didn't have to know anything about Maggie. Ever. If requested, Bella would never utter her name in my presence. She'd do anything I asked of her...

Because she loved me.

And still, I couldn't swallow it down.

"God damn it," I nearly shouted, feeling a sudden urge to pound at the ground with my fists.

Esme was at my side in an instant, staying just far away from me that she didn't physically touch me. "Come on. We need to get back. I invited your brother and Rosalie over for dinner. We could use a family dinner, I think."

I huffed and went to stand, careful not to knock her down in the process. Dinner with my brother was probably not the best idea given his request for me to stay away for a while, but I kept that to myself. It wasn't like it would do any good; you couldn't expect to argue with my mother and win. She was right. She chose her battles well.

Besides, I was a shit, like I'd said a thousand times before. I'd take whatever abuse he gave out.

"So why'd you let me come all the way out here in the first place?"

She shrugged. "You looked like you needed to unwind."

Fuck if that wasn't an understatement.

As soon as we got off the trail, I headed over to my Volvo, my heart pounding harder with every step I took. Esme's white Mercedes was parked just behind it, so I hurried and opened the passenger's side door and grabbed what Bella had given me before she reached her own car.

Before I lost my nerve.

"Take it and tell me what you think," I rushed. "Please."

Esme gingerly took the items from my hand, shuffling them around, and then handing me back the leather bound journal.

"Um... Mom?"

"I want nothing to do with that," she answered, opening the file folder. "I have a feeling there are things in there that would embarrass Bella. And as much as you might hate her right now, I still like her."

I growled, "The fuck? Isn't your loyalty supposed to be to your son?"

"Don't be so dramatic," she said, pinning me with a level stare. "She's a sweet girl, and she makes you smile. Anyone capable of that kind of miracle deserves... Gosh, I don't know. Nothing I can think of seems sufficient."

"Was I really that fucking bad?" I asked, completely disgusted by this conversation.

Esme buried her nose in the file, choosing not to answer me.

But it was answer enough.

Silence stretched on as she studied up on Maggie. Her lips moved with the occasional sentence she read, and she smiled at what looked like pictures stuck to a page. I moved back some so I couldn't accidentally-on-purpose see any of it, and started rocking on my heels anxiously.

She took fucking forever.

"Carr," she eventually stated, holding everything back out to me. "Maggie's last name was Carr."

I reluctantly took the file and photo album from her, biting down on the inside of my cheek as I stared down at it.

"Her whole life's in there," Esme continued. "She was really... something. You should be proud."

Maggie's information abruptly slipped from my fingers.

I didn't bother picking it up. Because how in the hell did Esme expect me to be _proud _of _her?_

Esme sighed and bent over to retrieve it for me. "Take your time with this, Edward. Make sure what you decide is right for you."

I blinked once, and then let my eyes slide back up to hers.

"And no matter what that decision is, we'll all understand. Even Bella."


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks so much for all the reviews and adds. I lol'd at some of them, like the ones requesting that Edward get his head out of his ass ;)**

**Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing and um, dealing with me in general. You know why. Hee.**

**Thanks to claireoth and stephk0525 for prereading. ILY guys!**

* * *

><p>Chapter 15<p>

**Bella**

It seemed like time flew by those first few days Charlie was out of the hospital. Floral arrangements and gifts filled up every free surface in our home. I made sure each and every one of them were on display, comforted by the fact that Charlie was never really alone while I was in Phoenix. Nor would he be alone again when I left for college in August, now just a few short weeks away.

Life as I'd come to know it in Forks no longer existed. I barely left the house, only going outside long enough to run to Thriftway or the bank or... whatever errand I was helping my dad with that specific day. Teaching Charlie how to cook healthily and getting him to exercise again was my main priority, although, it wasn't like I had anything else to do. I was jobless, boyfriend-less - if that's what Edward had been- friendless, with the exception of Alice again...

Focusing on my dad, even if I'd have done it anyway, was pretty much the only thing that kept me going. I hadn't heard from Edward or anyone in his family, and the information on Maggie never found its way back to my hands. I had hoped that maybe, eventually, he'd still read it all. Then again, he could have destroyed it. As much as I hated the thought, I couldn't deny the possibility of it. Edward's temper had always tended to get the best of him. I'd known it from the beginning, so I was feeling somewhat resigned to never seeing my journal or, more importantly, Edward's smile again. Which was more than I'd expected of myself. Those first twenty-four hours of waiting and wondering had been brutal. I'd been almost sure that with as much as I hurt, I'd spend weeks lying in bed in a deep depression before Charlie would have to come kick some sense into me.

But I'd always prepared for this. While I'd wanted Edward to see me for who I was and that I meant no harm by coming here, my realist side wouldn't allow all of that optimism to actually take shape and form some sort of impossible pipe dream. Maybe that was the reason I was still sane, actually _capable_ of being here for Charlie.

I spent the limited free time I had either searching for a new job or trying to replace some of the pictures I had of Maggie from my hard drive, simply because... There was no reason anymore, really; I just did it. I wasn't obsessed with the information I'd gotten on her now that it had found its way to its rightful owner. I was just...

Staying busy. Hoping. Trying to do her memory justice by respecting what her life had been. Still trying to meld what was lost in her life with what I'd found in mine.

The only part I hated about Charlie having so many friends in this town was that visitors filled our house constantly. Well, "visitors" wasn't really the best term to describe the people coming to the house. They were all mostly women. _Concerned_ women, many of whom I didn't recognize. It seemed like my father was, unknowingly, a hot commodity in this town. Which, when I thought about it, made sense. He never remarried - or dated much, for that matter - after he and my mother divorced. He didn't go out drinking every night. He was quiet and charming, successful... decent looking.

Even I had to admit my dad was something of a catch.

I hated having my house invaded, but I kept quiet. It wasn't technically my house, so who was I to say anything? It was like a revolving door of women vying for a spot in Charlie's life, in and out, over and over again. I endured it all as quietly as possible, only giving Alice any idea of my frustration with it with vague and random texts as the days stretched on.

And then, Charlie finally spoke up.

"Get me out of here, Bella, before someone else shows up," he growled, slamming the door shut behind the woman who'd just gotten into her car. "And toss this, will you? I can't stand meatloaf."

I giggled at his surly mood, the first time I'd laughed about something since Edward had crawled out of my bedroom window after we'd reached our... stalemate. "It's not exactly the meatloaf you're thinking of, Dad. It's made with turkey. No beef yet, remember?"

He blanched.

"Oh, come on. She was being..." I debated on being facetious, but decided against it. Charlie probably wouldn't catch on if I did. "_Thoughtful._"

"They all are," he sighed, "but they act like I almost died."

My God, the man truly was oblivious to what was happening.

"Well, you kind of did."

He shook his head.

I put the meatloaf on the table to cool and took my father's arm, leading him back over to the door. "Let's take a walk. See how far you get today?"

"Yeah. Sure," he grunted.

The main part of town wasn't too far from Charlie's house. Within fifteen minutes, we'd rounded the corner and were headed toward the station. I was hoping to get him there before we had to turn around and head back home. That was today's goal, anyway. It seemed like Charlie was going to handle it all right until he stopped just outside of Newton's Outfitters.

"What's up?" I asked, lifting my chin to give him a questioning look.

He pointed to a sign in the door and smiled. "Look, they're hiring."

"Newton's?" For some reason, I hated this idea. "Yeah, but you-"

"I'm fine," he insisted. "Besides, it could do you some good to get out of the house."

"But I don't want to leave you there in case-"

"Heard anything from Edward?" he interrupted again, this time with a meaningful look.

I glanced away. "Uh... no."

"Then you need to get out of the house." He gave me a nudge toward the door, and I stumbled, surprised that he had so much strength back already.

"You've been faking all this time," I accused.

He shrugged. "So I wanted to make sure you were okay. Sue me."

I shook my head and tried to hide my grin.

"Go on. Don't make me go in there and get an application for you."

"Yes, because that's exactly what every nineteen-year-old girl looking for a job needs: her daddy going in and getting her job app for her."

"In case you've forgotten, I _do_ have some pull in this town..."

I rolled my eyes and moved to open the door. "Trust me, Dad, sharing your last name will be pull enough."

He flashed a grin beneath his mustache. "Good."

As soon as I was inside, I made my way over to the checkout counter where the boy who'd delivered my boots was standing. He was reading an article in some kind of muscle magazine, unaware of everything going on around him. Including me. I had to clear my throat to get his attention.

His blue eyes shot up from the pages of the magazine, and he smiled warmly at me. I instantly wanted to cry with that smile. He was part of the reason I'd gotten close to Edward in the first place. If he hadn't listened to Esme and delivered those boots to me, I wouldn't have found myself sitting next to a creek with Edward, watching as he slowly let himself unravel before me.

Yet I couldn't even remember the guy's name.

My eyes darted down to his badge, and I blinked away tears as I read it.

_Mike._ Of course. The Newton's son.

I swallowed and tried to smile. "Hi, I'm not sure if you remember me, but-"

"You're Chief Swan's daughter, Bella," he said excitedly. "I remember who you are."

"Oh." I shifted on my feet awkwardly. "I need um... I saw the sign..." I pointed back toward the sign in hopes to visually show him what I wanted.

"You want to apply for the cashier's position?" he asked, his brow furrowing deeply. "I thought you worked at Cullen's..."

"I did," I answered, reining in the need to cry again. There was no way in hell this stranger was getting any detail into what happened and why I was no longer working at Emmett's. "But things changed. Can I have an application or not?"

"Uh... sure."

He produced the application and handed it to me, still looking confused as ever. I politely thanked him and hurried out the door to find Charlie, stopping just short of slamming into a person getting ready to walk into the store. He was tall, lean, and had long sleeves and jeans on despite the day's heat.

Jasper.

Cullen.

_Oh, shit._

He let his gray eyes drift over me once before shaking his head. "You look like shit, Bella," he sighed unhappily.

Half laughing, half sobbing, I suddenly found myself in his arms pouring every ounce of my soul into a garbled apology at his chest. I wasn't sure what I said, but I knew I meant every word that came out of my mouth. I never wanted anyone to get hurt by this, and yet I'd let myself get close to each one of the Cullens before telling them the truth.

"I'm awful," I finally said coherently. "You all must hate me."

He chuckled and gave me a quick squeeze before forcing me back enough that he could see my face. "No one hates you. We're more... shocked, I guess you could say."

"Edward hates me," I muttered.

He didn't answer immediately, so I went to distract myself by adjusting my Zeppelin t-shirt, wiping my face, and sweeping my hair back up into a less messy version of the ponytail it'd been in before.

"You know what? It's okay. I get it. You can't talk to me about your brother."

"No, it's just..." He dragged his hands through his hair. "I don't know what Edward's feeling. He hasn't really talked about it."

More tears came, causing a stricken look to cross Jasper's face. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," he mumbled. He quickly scanned the area, and then took my hand. "Come on, let's get something to eat. You look like you need to fucking _eat,_ B."

"But my dad-" I glanced around and didn't see Charlie anywhere.

Weird.

"Send him a text," he said with a shrug, still dragging me to the coffee shop down the road. Although, I still wasn't sure why they called it a coffee shop in the first place. It had a full service menu.

I snorted loudly at the thought of sending my father a text. "He wouldn't even try to figure out how to read it."

He smiled with that. "You'd think the chief of police could work a smart phone. Lots of information on those suckers."

"Uh, no. He just has his deputies do it. He calls it 'delegating responsibility', but really, it's just him being a stubborn ass."

Jasper laughed.

I sent the text to Charlie anyway. He could have one of the deputies pull it up for him if needed. Or maybe, finally, he could start living in the twenty-first century with the rest of us.

Time would tell.

After that, Jasper and I were silent until we got in line to order. I glanced up at the menu board behind the counter and started chewing on my lip indecisively. Nothing sounded good.

"See anything that sounds good?" Jasper asked, voicing my thoughts for me.

"Not yet," I answered honestly.

His eyes roamed my backside, causing mine to hurriedly swing the other side of the room. No way was he checking me out. This was Jasper... Edward's brother...

I made myself look back at him and saw him staring at my ass, an indecipherable look on his face.

Traitorous blood immediately pooled in my cheeks.

I spun around so he couldn't see it anymore. "Um, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Edward is going to be pissed if he sees you like this," he murmured, gazing back up at the menu.

"Excuse me?"

"He likes your ass a lot," he answered. "And it's kind of...

I waited for him to finish that sentence, but he didn't.

"I think I know what I want," he said suddenly.

I blinked. "What the-?"

"Do you?"

"Just order... whatever," I mumbled.

He nodded, and then flashed the woman behind the counter his trademark perfect smile. "Two Cubans with fries and Coke."

"J- Jasper!" I sputtered in protest.

"Okay, make that one Coke and one Diet," he amended, catching the look I gave him. "What?"

"You know I can't eat that!"

"It's just one sandwich," he chuckled.

"But did you have to order the most fattening one they have?"

"I think the Reuben might be just as bad. I could order that instead," he joked.

"No," I snapped. "You will not."

He smirked, waiting for me to say something about nutrition and my heart.

So I went to surprise him.

"Cause I don't like sauerkraut," I finished.

He laughed once and handed the cashier a twenty. When he had his change, he motioned for me to follow him to a table. We stopped on the way to get napkins, ketchup, and straws then finally made our way to the corner table, where no one would bother us.

There was suddenly a knot in my stomach that hadn't been there before.

He put the little plastic sign with our order number down on the center of the table, and then ever the Southern gentleman, pulled out my chair for me.

As soon as we were seated, the interrogation began.

"Have you even _been_ eating, Bella?" he asked, his brow arching.

"When I take my meds," I responded evasively. It was the truth... I had to eat with my meds, whether I felt like it or not.

He cursed under his breath.

"I've been busy with Charlie and people coming around all the time to see him. I haven't... I mean, it's not like..."

"You lost your appetite because you're pining over Edward?" he supplied.

I started to pout. "No."

He exhaled sharply and threw me a glare that showed me just how much he didn't buy my excuses, only keeping silent because the waitress chose to bring us our food at that exact moment.

"How did they press these things so fast?" I wondered aloud.

The smirk was back. "I'm a Cullen."

"That's not saying your guys are spoiled or anything."

"Blame my dad. I do."

I rolled my eyes and took a bite of my sandwich, moaning appreciatively as the grease hit my tongue. That was the only reason, though. Under normal circumstances, I'd have been in heaven. Today, my heaven on bread just tasted like cardboard.

"So I've got to ask... Why'd you do it?"

I put my sandwich down and wiped off my hands, trying to figure out how to answer him. I wasn't sure what his question meant, though. Did he mean my search for my donor's identity back in Phoenix, coming to find Edward, waiting to tell him, or just simply wanting to tell him?

"Christ, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm thinking over it so hard."

"The answer is that I don't know, smart ass. It started out being something that I thought might help me get over it."

"The girl dying in the first place?"

"Yeah. I'd hear a piano play and wonder what she was like, which I find extremely crazy now, because Maggie played piano. Like concert piano. She was planning to get a Masters in music. She was amazing."

"It's a well known phenomenon with transplant patients," he said, taking a sip of his Coke.

"See, I didn't remember hearing about it. Or maybe I just missed it in all the information thrown at me. I'm not sure."

"That's definitely possible," he agreed. "Funny about it being the piano, though; Edward's got a knack for it too."

"He really does, doesn't he?" I popped a fry in my mouth before continuing. "Anyway, I had Dad look her up. The more he found out about her, the more I... The more _obsessed _I was. I had this insane need to know everything about her."

"That shit Edward threw in his room has it all in there."

I forced myself to nod through the sudden surge of hope rushing through me. He hadn't destroyed it.

Jasper whistled softly. "Damn."

I smiled shakily. "When I found out that she was adopted, I wondered if she had any siblings. It wasn't like I was trying to search for Edward initially. I just thought that if one day, someone from her biological family came looking for her, they might want to know what happened to the organs donated. I don't know, maybe have the reassurance that it did some good or whatever. So I told the Carrs that."

"Her parents? You'd already met them?"

"Yeah. I kind of..." I laughed nervously. "I kind of showed up at their door one day."

His brows shot up.

"I know. I figured I'd be arrested, only Siobhan, her mom, already knew who I was. I... I remember thinking when I left how everything in my life after the transplant had led me to that point. And if I was supposed to go that far with it then maybe getting Maggie's biological information was important too."

"Maggie's mom had it?" I gave him a funny look, and he elaborated. "Edward's biological information. Sorry. This is kind of... bizarre, Bella."

_Nothing I didn't already know there, Jas._

"Yeah, they had it," I breathed. "She said Maggie knew of a brother, but that only had been found out recently when Maggie got on some kind of genealogy kick."

"Fuck," Jasper said lowly. "No way."

"She was planning to try to get in contact with that brother once she found out who he was. She hadn't gotten his name yet. With his adoption, she had to try to get access to a bunch of sealed records, and from my understanding, wasn't having much luck."

He didn't move a muscle as he processed that.

"Our parents made sure our identities and location after our adoptions were hidden," he muttered after a few minutes. "They didn't want anyone from our old lives coming and wrecking the new, you know?"

I nodded.

"Plus with the trash Edward's mom dealt with..." He stopped and changed gears. "It would have taken... Well, it would have taken someone either with a badge or a lot of cash to track us down, thanks to my parent's lawyer."

"Your parents are some of the most incredible people I've ever met," I said emphatically.

"Thanks, Bella. We got lucky."

Jasper took a couple bites before speaking again. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking of Edward long enough to focus on anything in front of me. Which made me realize just how right Jasper was. I'd lost my appetite recently, thanks to my incessant worry over the situation. I simply hadn't noticed it with as busy as I'd been with Charlie and his recovery.

I was going to have to take better care of myself.

"So back to Maggie. She died before she knew her brother was our Edward," he said, his eyes finding mine for confirmation.

"Yep. So you see why I had to come? My father lives in Forks, the very same place Maggie's brother lives. I couldn't-" I took a deep breath. "I couldn't seem to get here fast enough."

"Edward should have let you explain," he said in return.

I shook my head. "I never thought he would. Hoped, maybe, but never actually believed it."

"Still."

"Jasper, come on. You know how he is. He wouldn't have listened if I'd said something the day we met, so I waited, and... I held back just a little too long. I should have told him the day I blurted out her name."

"You what?"

"That night we went to Port Angeles? I blurted out her name in the car when we got there. And then he asked me about her later, and I... I didn't know how to tell him. No, that's not exactly right. It was more like I chickened out."

"He got to you." Just that simple statement sent me reeling.

So I came clean.

"I love him."

He nodded, trying to keep his smile from growing too large. Something was up. "Would you care if I snuck in his room and read up on Maggie?"

"Uh... and read my journal too?"

His face scrunched up. "No. Fuck, no. Just the stuff on his sister."

"Oh, sure, I guess-"

"Well, all right," he drawled. "Let me see what Em and I can do."

"I'm sorry?"

"Emmett. You know, the other brother."

"I know who you're talking about," I snapped. "I'm trying to figure out what the hell you're doing."

For the second time today.

"Nothin'," he replied, a grin eating up his face.

"No. No, don't get involved. He's your brother, and you should-"

"Shut up already, would ya? We all know how good you are." He complemented his words by drawing an imaginary halo over his head with his finger.

I scowled.

"There's a game tonight, and it's been hell trying to play without you. So... I want you to come play like you were originally supposed to. You in?"

"Am I what?" I asked incredulously. "Are you fucking around with me?"

"Nope. We want you there. Well, Rosie wants to kick your ass, but we'll work on her."

"I can't-"

He moved to stand, cutting me off. "I'm gonna get a box for this. I'll pick you up at six. Be ready."

"Jasper!"

He threw me that perfect smile again. "Make sure you eat that."

And then he walked off, leaving me no room to argue.

I obeyed and tried to eat as much of that stupid sandwich as possible before finally giving up and making a quick phone call to Charlie as I walked out the door. I turned and headed toward the station as I waited for my father's gruff voice to come across the line. When I'd verified that he was, in fact, at the station, I shoved my phone in my pocket and picked up my pace, not wanting to run into any one else while I was alone today.

The second I was at my father's office door, I pounced. "So what was with the disappearing act? I didn't take but five minutes inside Newton's."

"I uh..." He coughed nervously and glanced over at one of his deputies. He must've been new, because I didn't recognize him.

"Dad," I warned.

"I saw Jasper coming and thought you two could use some time to talk about his brother."

"Why would I need to talk to him about Edward? He made his choice. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me, not that I blame him."

Now he was warning me. "Bella..."

"Fine. You people are going to have to stop meddling in my business with Edward, though. This is ridiculous."

"Who else is meddling?" he asked curiously. "Was Jasper meddling?"

I opened my mouth a couple of times before managing a meek, "No."

"Interesting."

I sighed. "I'll be outside waiting."

It didn't take Charlie long to join me. We walked back home in silence, not because I didn't have anything to say to my father, but because I needed to figure out how I was going to handle being around Edward later. _If _I was going to be around later. I was giving serious consideration to locking myself up in my room and pretending to be sick just to get out of it.

I cleaned when I got home, having nothing better to do to pass the time. I transferred some of the food Charlie'd been given from the refrigerator to the freezer and folded a load of laundry before deciding my sheets needed to be washed and going upstairs to rip them off the bed.

When I was done, I still had an hour to kill.

So I took a shower and proceeded to put make up on and flat iron my hair. For a softball game, where I was likely to sweat.

I was pathetic. And nervous. And scared...

"Bad idea," I mumbled, adjusting my white tank top and trying not to shake as I did so. "Bad, bad idea."

Charlie walked back into the living room, an apple in hand. "What is?"

"This." Being around the Cullens. Seeing Edward after he'd specifically told me to stay away. Having the top portion of my scar in plain sight.

Good Lord, I was dumber than I realized.

His brow knit, but I didn't explain any more since the doorbell was ringing.

Jasper was early.

And now, I was near panic.

I took a deep breath and managed to cross the room to answer the door. Instead of playing hookie, I was ready to admit to Jasper that I couldn't make it, couldn't see Edward. But then I realized that I had to get the first sight out of the way eventually. If not now, it'd be later. And at least tonight, I could try to psych myself up for it, plan things I wanted to say as we drove to the diamond. It'd be better this way. Not... unexpected like it would be if we'd met up in town somewhere.

I almost had myself convinced of that when I put my hand on the door handle.

Almost, but not quite. There was a niggling part of me that knew I'd never be able to see Edward without an attempted second breakdown.

Brushing that aside, I swung open the door and tried to seem normal. A joke might help with that, I thought, so I tried it.

"You said six," I complained. "I still have five more minutes to freak out. And Jasper, I'm definitely freaking out."

"Yeah, I'm not Jasper," Rosalie bit out.

My hand flew up to my mouth, my eyes wide. I had to resist shrinking back from the weight of her violet gaze as she stood at the other side of the door. She looked so... cold. Not at all like the girl I'd become friends with.

God help Emmett when he pissed her off.

Then she huffed, and it was like the ice suddenly melted.

"You look like shit," she murmured.

"Everyone keeps saying that," I said with a little, annoyed huff of my own, and tucked a stray piece of hair back behind my ear self-consciously. "Is it really that bad?"

"I didn't believe Jasper until you opened the door just now," she answered with a shrug. "If that tells you anything."

"Great."

Awkward silence filled the air, only interrupted by the sound of the tree frogs and cicadas in the woods behind the house. I needed to come up with an apology of some sort, but I had a feeling nothing I said would really make a difference.

I tried anyway.

Seemed to be my motto for the last few days.

"Rose-"

"He's my family, Bella," she started, her gorgeous face contorting in pain. I hated myself a little more with seeing it. Shocking, because I didn't think it was possible. "And you-"

"I know," I whispered. "Believe me, I know."

I stared down at our feet, unable to look at her. Or breathe, for that matter. I felt nauseated. I was quickly learning that fear - and anxiety - would do that to you.

"But I miss you."

My eyes shot up to hers, wide and disbelieving. "What? How?"

"I don't know. It's always just been the boys and me until you moved in with Charlie. It was nice having another girl around. Someone to go shopping with if that's what I wanted. And I like you, Bella. We all do. Our little group... The garage... It feels weird without you there."

"Even though all I did was sit in the office all day?"

"Even though," she agreed.

More silence between us. Except this time, it wasn't so awkward. I simply didn't know where to begin. But I wanted to make this better. Needed to. Because I missed Rosalie too.

"How's Edward?" I chanced, immediately regretting it when I saw her eyes flash angrily.

Another huff followed by a reluctant answer, "Pissed off."

"Oh," I mouthed.

"Hurt. Confused... Those are just what he's let us see. He's been holed up in his room a lot lately, doesn't talk."

Funny, I'd just considered the same thing.

My vision blurred. "Rose, I swear I never-"

"I know," she said, a small smile gracing her lips. "I really do. I promise. It's just..."

"He's family," I finished.

"Yeah." She cleared her throat and glanced over my shoulder. "Hey, Chief. Ticker doing all right?"

"Hi, Rosalie. It's good, thanks," Charlie answered carefully. "Bells, what's going on?"

"I'm going to play softball," I answered weakly.

"Emmett's team?"

I nodded.

"Well, you'd better get going if you don't want to be late."

I expelled the air from my lungs loudly. "I'll be home after dinner. There's chicken-"

"I've got it. Have fun," he said, pushing me out the door. "It'll be good for you."

But meddling father or not, his eyes were full of worry.

I thought I'd have some kind of idea of what I'd say to Edward when I saw him, but by the time Rosalie parked in a spot just to the left of the baseball diamond, it had all flown out the window and into the thousands of acres of woods we'd passed on our way. With each mile, every second I grew closer to him, I shook harder and harder, until I was trembling so severely that Rosalie had to come around and open the passenger's side door for me. I couldn't get my fingers to cooperate long enough to do it myself.

"Hey," she said, her eyes roaming over me in confusion. "What is going on with you?"

"I can't. I just can't," I nearly sobbed. "It's not fair for him to have to do this. He doesn't want to be near me, and we're... we're forcing him-"

"Took you that long to catch on?"

"Wh- What?" I stuttered, caught off guard. "But Jasper said he-"

"He said what?" she prompted, her lips twitching slightly.

"He said if you push Edward too hard, he'll... he'll blow up," I said hotly, my anxiety slowly giving way to anger. "Why would you do that to him?"

"We think you might be the exception to that rule," she said calmly.

My jaw dropped. "So we're like some kind of experiment?"

"No," she said, the iciness slowly creeping back into her voice. "You love him, right? Jasper's not bullshitting us?"

"Yes." Her eyes flashed. "Damn it, Rose. I mean, yes, I love him. No, I'm not bullshitting you."

"Then I don't see the problem. We all get what we want this way."

What the hell would they all want?

I shook my head adamantly. I didn't care, because I wasn't doing it. "No. Take me back home before he sees me. I've done enough damage to the man to last a lifetime. I'm not doing any more."

"Bella, I can take you home, but it's not going to matter."

"Why?"

She sighed and pointed to something in the outfield, too far away for my peripheral vision to catch.

"Because he's already seen you."


	16. Chapter 16

**So I appreciate the fact that after posting that last chapter I'm still alive. Sorry for the weird, evil cliffie, but I hope this chapter makes up for it. It's a pretty big chapter. Actually, the next three EPOV chapters are. Just um, FYI and all ;)**

**Thanks to everyone for the reviews and adds this week, as always. I hate that I didn't get to reply to any, but life is nuts with the holidays coming up and a whole slew of other personal shit.**

**Thanks to Stratan for being my super dude, and to stephk0525 and claireoth for taking time out of their lives to preread and tell me that I'm being my usual overly obsessive moronic self or when something plain sucks.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 16<p>

**Edward**

I blinked.

Repeatedly.

Because surely Bella Swan wasn't standing next to Rose's fucking M3 arguing with her. She was just some strange illusion, that desire I had to go back to the days before I learned the truth causing me to see things that weren't actually happening. Like, daydreaming or some shit; although, I could never remember myself daydreaming about anything, unless it had to do with food. I sure as fuck wished for that a lot as a kid.

So I blinked again just to be certain.

_Mother. Fucker._

I tore off across the field in their direction, ignoring Jasper's shouts against it. I shrugged Emmett off as I made my way past third base and threw open the chain link gate, my mind void of anything except getting Bella out of my sight.

"Take her the fuck home, Rosalie," I demanded. "Now!"

I could have sworn I heard Bella suck in a startled breath, but by the time I forced myself to look at her, she'd steadied herself, glaring over at Rose.

And was tapping her foot against the pavement.

It was cute, but I'd be damned if I ever admitted it.

"I told you to stay away from my family, damn it," I shouted at her. "And for good fucking reason! You... You-"

I was suddenly so blind with rage I couldn't think... speak. Before I knew what I'd done I had Bella pinned against the side of the BMW, our breathing ragged with... Fuck, I didn't know what Bella was feeling. She shook against me and stared off in the distance, like she was ashamed to look me in the eye, and it crossed my fucking mind that I was glad for her guilt, glad that everything she said really was true. And touching her... Having her pressed against me... God, touching her was...

_No._

"They wanted me here," she said on a sob. Something in my chest hurt with hearing it. "I told them-"

I pounded my fist against the door, directly next to her hip, making her flinch. I was too keyed up to feel any potential damage to my hand, but it wasn't as if I really cared. "I don't give a fuck what they wanted. You knew what _I _wanted. Yet here I am... looking at you anyway."

And she looked so-

Emmett's hands were suddenly wrapped around my biceps, and I was ripped away from Bella on a curse.

"Touch her and so help me, I'll have you in the hospital faster than you can blink," he snarled in my ear.

"What kind of piece of shit do you take me for?" I growled back, too furious to feel any kind of panic from his hold on me. "You think I'd really hit her?"

"I don't know what you'd do," he replied, pissing me off even more.

"Fuck you," I spat. I struggled against his hold, only to have him grip me tighter.

"Calm down, dude. You're scaring her."

I stopped thrashing around long enough to glance back at Bella, who was wrapped safely in Jasper's arms. I wasn't sure whether to be grateful for Jasper's protectiveness of her or jealous that he was holding her and I was...

I shook my head against that.

I stood there and tried to calm down. Jesus, my heart was pounding against my ribs, I was sweating like hell, and I could barely breathe now that I was still. But more than that, I ached. Every last part of me ached because of this girl. It was practically unbearable.

The worst part of it was that I was pretty fucking sure the terrified expression on Bella's face was going to stay with me forever. I was my own worst enemy at that very moment, giving into everything I despised in myself, my past...

"I'm fine," I told him, trying to extricate myself out of his arms once again. Shockingly enough, he let me.

Which led to my immediate pacing because there was no way I was going to be able to stand still without doing something incredibly stupid again.

"This is what I warned you about," I said lowly, unable to meet Bella's stare. "I told you I was-"

"You're mad at me," she interrupted harshly. "Deservedly so."

"Yeah, but what I did... Pushing you like that... Fuck, Bella, it's unforgivable."

"You didn't push me, Edward."

Maybe. I couldn't really remember. It made no difference, though. "I did exactly-"

"Don't you dare say this has anything to do with your genetics or past or any of that other shit," she snapped out at me. I ground my teeth together because she'd read me flawlessly again. "It doesn't make you who you are. You decide that for yourself. You control yourself. And you weren't going to hurt me. I know it. I know _you_, whether you want me to or not."

Now I couldn't help but stare over at her, because she was fucking infuriating. I wanted to hate her, forget her, but hearing those words made me want to figure out a way to get past this instead. Be with her.

I swallowed hard and truly studied her. She was the same girl as before, the same one who understood me... loved me. Her gypsy eyes were beseeching. Her long, dark hair ruffled in the breeze, and I wanted to touch it, inhale its coconut scent while tasting her again. She looked so fucking frail, though, and it killed me to see her like that.

So I reminded myself that she deserved it. She deserved the pain she felt by keeping something so important buried inside her for so long, for - however hypocritical it was - deceiving me. She deserved to feel like I did.

Like utter shit.

Her chest heaved with a breath, and my eyes fell downward... zeroing in on the pale line of her scar exposed to us all.

I recoiled instantly.

A moan came out of me as I backed further away from her, and my hands trembled at my side. I stared off toward the road, loathing myself for what I was thinking. I wanted to rip that heart out and burn it. Watch it turn black like mine. Torture it, like our mother had done mine.

And for a fleeting moment, I wished Bella had never gotten that heart.

But then she wouldn't be standing here in front of me, and if I knew anything at all, it was that a world without Bella Swan in it was... absolutely useless, regardless of how much I wanted to take my anger out on the muscle pulsing in her chest, getting revenge in the only way I knew how.

Through destruction.

"You two should talk," Jasper said quietly.

"No." My voice rang out clear, bringing Jasper up short. "I'm not talking to Bella about it. I'm not talking to anyone about it. It is what it is. Let it fucking die like she did."

Bella made a choking sound beside us.

"You're not even going to let her explain?" he asked incredulously. "You should at least read-"

"I said _no_," I returned sharply.

"Why?"

"Because I can't." I shoved my hands through my hair. "I just... can't."

I took a peek at the girl, wishing as soon as I registered the tears streaking down her cheeks that I hadn't. I let out a grunt against the surge of emotion that came with the sound of Bella's cries, and then forced myself to walk away toward my car. I never cast another glance in her direction, because what would be the point? I'd just proven to myself exactly how I would react each and every time I saw her incision. The resentment was too deeply rooted in me to ever get past it, despite how much I missed Bella's warmth, laughter... light.

Maybe that was for the best. Our pairing had been doomed from the start. She'd come to know me because of some kind of fucked up paranormal... It was so far-fetched, my brain rejected it. And I was just as equally fucked up, too scarred from my past to be with her like I should.

As soon as I got into my Volvo, I rushed to leave it all behind. Escape was the only thing I could think of at that moment, and I found myself driving to the hospital, where I knew Carlisle would still be, going through this week's patient charts to make sure all the appropriate information was noted correctly.

I didn't expect to see him hunched over, tablet in hand, trying to figure out whatever program he'd called up.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me?" he asked, never once looking up.

"Stand here," I shot back, earning a humored twist of lips.

"What can I do for you?" he asked. And then he shook his head, almost as if he already knew. "Sit down. You can help me figure out where this patient's information went."

I obeyed and sat in one of the chairs on the opposite side of his desk. "Where it went?"

"Patient chart conversion. We've been forced to join the twenty-first century," he sighed.

I watched him throw the tablet down in annoyance and wanted to laugh. "It can't be that bad. The patients enter their information into an online spreadsheet and you download it into their files."

"Except the program has one fatal flaw."

I waited for him to continue.

"It doesn't fucking work." His blue eyes darted to mine. "Don't you dare tell your mother I said that."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

He nodded.

"Get IT on it."

"Yeah. They're 'on it', all right. As soon as they can _get_ to it. Which will be next month, more than likely." He dragged his hand through his hair and gave me a weary smile. "So how's Bella? I'm assuming you're here because you just saw her."

I tensed. He really did know what was bothering me. "She looks like hell."

"Do I need to make a phone call to the chief's to request an examination?"

I shook my head once, not really wanting to talk much more about the situation. I lived it every day; thought about it constantly...

"I think I'll call anyway," he said, jotting it down on his calendar. "Stress isn't good for her..."

_Heart, _I finished silently. The dull ache in my hand was the only thing stopping me from punching at the desk with inescapability of the situation.

"Can I shadow you again?" I blurted out. "Just till the end of summer."

He sat back, a look of surprise on his face. "I don't have anything else I could teach you, Edward. Not without a hand's on approach, which is what you're going to med school for."

"I won't really have my hands on anything until my internship," I returned. If I could manage it by then.

Shit, I needed to figure out how to manage it by then.

He studied me closely. "I don't know what your reasons are, but you're not using me to gain access to Bella's records."

"I don't want her fucking records," I bit out. "I- Emmett's... Fuck, he doesn't want me in the garage, and after today, he probably doesn't want to see me at all. I need something to do with my time so I don't... I just-"

He held up a hand, abruptly stopping me. "Then you can come during normal office hours, starting Monday."

"I have therapy on Mondays."

"Then Tuesday."

I exhaled in relief. "Okay."

"How's that going, anyway?"

"Hard," I said with a shrug.

"But you're..."

"Christ, Dad," I snapped, "can you stop with the prying now?"

"You came to me," he reminded me. "Not the other way around."

"I know." Fucking hell, did I know. And I was beginning to regret it.

A few beats of time slipped by before Carlisle spoke again. "Well, let's get the appropriate paperwork signed so you can show me what I'm doing wrong, huh?"

I nodded slowly. "Thanks."

He waved me off. "Don't thank me, Edward. You haven't seen this disaster of a program yet."

I helped Carlisle most of the evening, even though I couldn't really concentrate. My brothers were likely treating the team to dinner, regardless of whether they won or lost the game; Bella would be included in the group. They were watching her smile, hearing her laugh... They'd been the ones to guide her during her first night as an official Cullen Garage softball team member.

And as much as I'd originally wanted to, I couldn't stand to be there to watch any of it.

I didn't say much to Esme when I got home, but really, I hadn't said much to anyone since the last time I'd gone to the falls, using this as an excuse to shut down again. It was the easy way out. And while I was a little ashamed to admit that was what I was doing, I hadn't tried to stop myself.

I ate the sandwich she'd passed to me when I walked through the door, and then headed upstairs to my bedroom. I took a shower. Decided to watch some TV. Except when I finally tuned into a show that would normally capture my interest, the only thing I could fucking focus on was Bella's journal, her words. My mind kept picturing the pages inside and what secrets they held-

"Well, you look peaceful," Jasper said wryly from the door.

I hadn't even realized that I'd left it open. "The fucker's taunting me," I fumed.

"So open it."

I shook my head.

"What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid, asshole," I nearly yelled back. "I'm furious that she... she... played me."

He threw me a penetrating look. "If you really believe that then you don't deserve her."

"I didn't deserve her anyway," I retorted.

"I thought you did. Now I'm not so sure."

"Why do you all have such a vested interest in the two of us being together?" I asked, glowering over at him. And then my expression changed, because the bastard was wearing a short sleeved shirt.

I'd _never _seen him without being completely covered up.

"What the- What the fuck, Jazz?" I sputtered.

"It's hot in here," he replied nonchalantly.

I couldn't even begin to tell you what my fucking face looked like. Or how Jasper managed not to laugh at me.

"Evolution's a funny thing, isn't it?" he murmured, coming further into the room. "We adapt to survive. For the most part, it works. But every once in a while... that adaptation is what will kill us in the end."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "What's with the prophecy-Buddhist shit?"

"You tried with her," he answered. "She was the only one you couldn't shut your feelings off for."

Yeah. "So?"

"You believe in that paranormal shit?" he asked suddenly, his gray eyes boring into mine.

"Not at all."

"Say you did," he suggested. "You ever think that maybe it's... You ever think that maybe Bella was _led_ to you? That you're supposed to be with her?"

I didn't know how to answer him.

"Because I do. I think that at some point in your lives, your paths would have crossed anyway. This Maggie factor just sped it up a little or made it possible to begin with. Or maybe it's forcing you into it by making you deal with all your hang-ups. I don't know yet. The third option makes a lot of sense if you think about your reaction," he mused. "It's definitely a characteristic Edward Cullen reaction."

"That's bullshit. None of us knows that."

"Just think about it a little before you completely disregard it," he chuckled, moving to leave my room. "You know, if you'd stop being such a selfish, narrow-minded prick, you might see things differently."

"Fuck you."

"You've said that a lot today."

I glared over at him.

"Well, you have," he laughed. "Just pointing out the facts."

He shut the door before I could say anything more, leaving me trapped with the thoughts his words had provoked. Maybe he was on to something. But with everything racing through my mind, all the possibility and fucking hope again, there was one problem.

I still didn't know how to get past the fact that my sister's heart beat in Bella Swan's chest.

* * *

><p>I hadn't said a word since I stepped foot into Dr. Banner's office. This session, though - unlike my first with him - wasn't because I was fucking agitated and resentful over being in therapy. It was because of Bella. Because I hadn't said anything about her or my past since finding out about Maggie, focusing only on surface bullshit to pass the hours required here.<p>

And the most fucked up part? Dr. Banner had just let me.

Until today.

"Edward, I can sit here for months letting you rack up bill after bill for no progress at all. But I think we both know that's not what you want."

Fuck. "No."

"So why don't you tell me what's really going on? Why you brought that with you," he said, pointing over to the place Bella's journal sat on his desk.

I swallowed hard.

"The girl..."

"Bella."

"Yeah, she uh... You know how I mentioned that she didn't really get out much?"

"Uh-huh. Health problems, right?"

"Uh... yeah, it's complicated. I-" I dragged my hands through my hair nervously. "She had a heart transplant."

I stopped, waiting for him to speak.

He didn't.

I huffed a little in frustration. "She told me the heart was from my sister."

Oh, the pen moved furiously with that one.

"Why don't you just get a fucking tape recorder?" I asked angrily. "Do you know how irritating it is to listen to that shit every time I talk?"

"Did you know that every time I write something down it helps me to remember it? I record all my patients' sessions, too, if you've forgotten; it was in the paperwork you signed when I took you on as a patient."

"Oh," I said lamely.

"It's fine for reference, but writing notes during sessions helps imprint what was said to memory. So when I need a quick recall of something important we discussed..." He tapped his temple, prompting me to roll my eyes. "I don't have to dig through audio to find it. I just think back to what was said."

"Fuck, fine. Whatever."

"You were saying something about a sister?" he murmured.

"Yeah. Apparently, I had a sister at some point in my life. Who fucking knew?"

"You don't remember her?"

"Nope. Maybe I blocked it out or some shit." I jerked a shoulder up. "I don't really care."

"If you don't care then why did you bring that journal in?"

"Because it's Bella's."

More scribbling.

"And she wants me to read it."

"Why's that?"

"She... Fuck, she said she loved me. I guess she wants me to understand her more. Why she sought me out."

"She knew you were the donor's brother?"

I nodded once. "Her dad's a cop. Connect the dots."

"I see. Well, that could certainly bring up some trust issues-"

"That's just it," I said, interrupting whatever bullshit diagnosis he was about to give me. "I know she didn't intentionally lie to me. It's not... That shit's just not Bella's thing. What I can't get past is the fact that somewhere out there, this sister of mine existed and had an amazing life while I..." I choked on my words and stared down at the floor.

"You care about her. Bella," he guessed.

"I still fucking _miss_ her," I returned. The admission was more for myself than Dr. Banner, and it made my stomach roll. Being alone was what I'd wanted for so long, and now... Damn it, now I couldn't stop thinking about one specific girl and how she made me feel when she was by my side. I couldn't get this ache to fade away, no matter how much time went by.

Dr. Banner should have just had me committed. It'd solve all our problems.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you this once: you honestly don't care about how you and your sister were separated or how she died or why you don't remember anything about her at all? You don't want to know what she looked like, what her favorite foods were... Nothing?"

I thought hard about that before answering. The truth was that I didn't know anymore. At first, I honestly assumed that while I was curious about her, I didn't really give a fuck what kind of person she was. Now that time had worn on, I was realizing that wasn't exactly the case. I may hate this... this dead girl for having everything I didn't. But I wanted to know her, as pissed off and resentful about everything I still was.

I thought that maybe, if I deserved only one thing, it was an explanation.

"I don't want to care," I finally said lowly.

Because somewhere deep inside me, I knew I did.

Where the _fuck _did that come from?

"Well," he said with a smile, "that changes a few things doesn't it?"

_Unfortunately._

"And Bella?"

I gazed at him warily. "What about her?"

"You wouldn't possibly be using this as an excuse to keep her at a distance, would you? It seems to me the only issue you have is the direct impact your life had on you, not the sister herself, because let's face it, Edward... How could she have ever known what was going on in Chicago since she was completely removed from the situation? Don't you think your resentment is a bit misplaced?"

I didn't move, waiting for him to continue.

"And you've openly admitted that you know Bella didn't purposely lie to you, and that you miss her. So what's holding you back from trying to work through it all _with _her? She could be extremely helpful in finding out the whys of the situation."

Well, fuck me. The insightful bastard had me pegged.

"Pride," I admitted. "Stubborn, foolish fucking pride."

"Now that..." His grin widened. "That's what you would claim as normal."

xx

Days dragged on. I'd stayed away from Bella the entire time, not because I couldn't exactly stomach being around her anymore. I thought I could, though, I knew it would be hard to do so when and if I did. Especially if her scar was plainly visible like the last time I'd seen her. It was because I needed to figure out what I wanted before speaking to her again.

If there was anything to say at all.

During my time off from the hospital, I'd started working heavily with Dr. Banner in an effort to sort through it all, certain bits - the less damaging part, anyway - of my past included. Each week, he had a list of things he wanted me to try, Bella's journal always being one of them. I listened to every suggestion - Jesus fuck, did I listen - because I wanted to be so much more than I was now. It was odd how I was beginning to feel that way. I was so fucking stubborn when it came to what I thought my value was. But things... things were starting to become clearer. Thanks to Bella Swan coming into my life, I was beginning to see I could be more. I could be who I wanted, if I'd just learn to let some shit go.

As fucking frightening as it was to admit, I had a feeling that Maggie was the key.

I'd worked on the lists as often as possible, with the exception of that one part. I couldn't force myself to open anything Bella had given me. I'd touch the journal, and then move away and occupy my time with something mundane, unimportant. I'd flip through the pages, letting them fall from my fingers too quick to really catch anything more than her perfect handwriting and a handful of drawings.

It turned out that Bella was fairly talented with a pencil.

And so I missed her more, because I couldn't call her up and talk to her about it, turn up at her door and request that she sketch something for me. I couldn't ask her if it ran in the family or if it was something she'd picked up while sitting in a hospital room, if she was simply as good as she was because of all the time she'd spent practicing.

Well, that wasn't true. It wasn't as if I was physically unable to find out that information. I just couldn't bring myself to do it yet.

But I was working on it.

xx

"You've still not looked at that journal?"

I glanced up from my book to see Rosalie smirking over at me.

"How would you know that?" I asked in return.

"Because I'm pretty sure if you had, you wouldn't be moping right now. You'd be with Bella."

"I'm not moping," I argued.

But fuck, the argument was weak, because I was, in fact, moping. I'd been moping since the day Bella told me about Maggie.

"Yeah, okay." She crossed the distance between us and flopped down on the couch. I went rigid waiting for some kind of contact as she settled beside me.

"Relax, would you? I'm not going to touch you. I know you can't stand it."

My jaw slackened. "What?"

"You think you're so slick," she laughed, "but you're not. We all know half of what you do and say is crap. Especially lately."

"Lately?"

"Over things involving Bella. You want her. You might even want to learn a little about Maggie. But you won't do it, because you're an idiot."

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," I seethed, slamming my book shut.

"See, that's the thing... I do." She grabbed my arm, causing panic to build inside me. A slow, satisfied smile crossed her face with the way my breathing came just a little sharper, how I worked to hide it from her.

"I know exactly how that feels, Edward." She let my arm go before continuing. "How you cringe when someone's hand accidentally grazes over yours, how you flinch when a body bumps into yours in a crowded room. Our situations may not be identical, but the root of the problem is still there. I know what it feels like to be touched by a man you can't-"

I jumped off the couch, furious. "No one's ever fucking done anything I didn't want them to."

"Bullshit." Her violet eyes blazed with determination. "You might have let them, but you didn't want it. Not once."

I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to push away every image her words conjured up. But I couldn't. I could see their hands, their unknowing smiles... feel myself falling deeper into a world I'd tried to escape from with each time, becoming like _him_... hardened, black, soulless...

"That's where you're wrong, Rose. I _did _want it."

I raced toward my room, trying to stop the revolt of my stomach. Rosalie was hot on my heels, not even giving me enough breadth to close the door all the way before she was rushing into the bathroom after me.

I stood there, struggling for air while Rosalie waited for me to say something. This was never how I'd pictured the way I'd finally talk about it, but in reality, whatever was? Besides, it was better to tell Rosalie than to let Bella know.

Bella could never know what I'd done to survive.

"Sex was everywhere when I was kid. I can remember hearing Elizabeth and whatever random fucker she'd brought home in her bed at night. And when I was at... When I was..." I took a deep breath and fought against the fresh wave on nausea that hit me. "It was in the halls, on the kitchen counter, in the bathrooms... I was so fucking skinny and weak and scared that they'd finally make good on their threats and force me to..."

I didn't bother looking at Rosalie. No need to see the fucking horrified expression on her face.

"But after a while, it changed. Hormones and shit, you know? I started watching and responding to it. I wanted to know what it felt like, and I was only twelve. That's when I knew I had to get out because I thought I was... I was turning into them."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I told you I wanted it."

"I'm calling bullshit again, Edward."

"But it's not," I replied. "Fuck... I... I ran off and had to hide because I knew so many of their secrets. At first I got sick a lot, starved. Then I had an idea. Girls crawled all over me when I let them; I mean, I didn't exactly look thirteen. So I went with it. I needed a shower? I fucked a girl in hers. I needed something to eat? I fucked another girl and raided her fridge afterwards. I needed a place to get away from a Chicago winter? Same thing, different girl. And I... I enjoyed it, Rosalie. Every single time."

"There's nothing wrong with enjoying sex, Edward."

"But to be so... I don't know. To be so opportunistic about it all?" I had to turn away from Rosalie again. "Not one of those girls knew how young I was. They didn't know a thing about me, where I lived... or didn't live, as it turned out. They all thought that the... football captain or whatever bullshit story I fed them was real, and they'd found some kind of Prince fucking Charming."

"How old were they?"

"Sixteen, seventeen, usually. They'd sneak me into Daddy's house and we'd... I can't even remember half of their names." I cleared my throat. There. The piece of shit I was, was finally out in the open. "Bella can never know."

"You're not like any of those people, Edward. You might have died if you hadn't-"

"Please, Rose," I begged. "She can't know."

"She won't look at you any differently."

"Whose fucking side are you on, anyway?" I growled.

"Yours. But come on. As angry as I am at Bella for keeping the Maggie issue from you, we both know how amazing she is. I'm kind of jealous of her, if I'm being honest."

I didn't say anything back; I was just as jealous of Bella as she was. Bella's innate ability to take everything in stride...

"She won't look at you any differently," she repeated.

"And just how would you know?"

"Because I do."

"Nice," I said snidely. "Real nice. I tell you all that shit and you give me 'because I do'."

She groaned. "You should talk to your brother about it, okay?"

I nodded once, letting it drop. I of all people knew how it felt to be pushed into talking about something you weren't necessarily ready for.

I'd done it for years with the previous therapists I'd had.

And it hadn't made any difference in my life at all.

"I know you want to read it," she said, referring to that damn journal again. "What I can't understand is why you won't."

"Because..." Fuck, was I going to finally say this? That I thought that maybe I could actually _love _someone? "Because I... I have a feeling that I'm not going to be able to learn about Maggie without loving her. And what fucking good is it to love someone who no longer exists?"

Rosalie took a step toward me, trying hard not to smile at my little admission. "But you can love the person she gave you. You can love Bella."


	17. Chapter 17

**Holy shit, the response to last chapter was overwhelming. So... Thank you for all of it; thank you to my spectacular corrector of grammar, Strat, and thank you to stephk0525 and claireoth for being such awesome prereaders.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 17<p>

**Bella**

"May I help you?"

"Um..." I glanced around the seating area before turning back to the receptionist to answer her. "Is Dr. Cullen in?"

She pursed her lips and gave me a funny look. "You have an appointment, sweetie?"

I shook my head. "But-"

"Then he can't see you," she said, glancing back down at the stack of paperwork on her desk, like that was the end of the conversation.

"I think if you just-"

"You'll need to make an appointment," she interrupted, smiling sweetly up at me. "I can do that now if you'd like."

If she wasn't being so damned nice about everything, I might have bit her head off for interrupting me. Twice.

"What's your name again?"

"Bella-"

"Swan," Carlisle's familiar voice came from behind me. "She's my favorite patient, Anna. Stop giving her such grief."

My lips twitched with a smile at Anna's giggly schoolgirl reaction. "Funny, Dr. Cullen."

"I thought so, Isabella."

Shit. I forgot about the name thing.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, and I was forced to look at the man. The moment my eyes met his, my chest started to ache with the knowledge that he saw Edward every single day, while I...

"Bella?"

"Oh, um, do you have a minute?" I asked, feeling a flush creep into my cheeks.

Carlisle caught it, and his brows knit worriedly. "Sure. Charlie feeling all right?"

"Um-hmm," I answered with a falsely bright smile.

"Ah... Okay, Anna, I'll just be a few minutes," he said lowly. "Bella, follow me to my office?"

I nodded my head and walked behind Carlisle through a maze of hallways, knowing I was going to have to have him show me the way back out when I left.

On different meds.

The heat in my face grew stronger.

"Sit," he said, closing the door behind me, "and tell me what's going on before I have my own heart problems."

I laughed a little with his joke. "It's nothing serious," I began. "It's just that... Do you remember when I first came here and you said that if anything in my personal life changed to let you know?"

I watched him turn over my words, his bright blue eyes flashing in remembrance after a few moments. "Bella, are you...?" He trailed off and ran his hands through his hair. "Are you seeing someone?"

"Oh-"

"It's completely understandable if you are. Edward's not exactly been the easiest person to like, but he's trying. He's in therapy, and he-"

"He's still going?" I breathed.

Carlisle smiled. "Yes, you didn't know? He goes every Monday. In fact, if you'd had waited until tomorrow, you two might have run into each other and ended this... madness."

"He would have been here," I said in shock.

"He's been helping me out around the office recently."

My stomach dropped. I missed the chance to see him, if only just with a passing in the hallways. And oh, how I'd wanted to catch a glimpse of him, no matter how masochistic and stupid it was.

"I haven't seen anyone outside of softball games in a while," I finally answered, somehow reining in the need to cry. "And I tend to use that time to just have fun with everyone. Laugh a little, watch some of them get drunk-"

"Mainly Emmett," he chuckled, coming to sit on the edge of the desk.

"Yeah. So we don't really talk about it much. It's... I don't want to make it awkward for anyone... How are his sessions going?"

"He's improving some," he said proudly. "He doesn't see it, but I do."

"Good," I said, glancing down at my wringing hands. God, I really did want to cry. I was missing it all. "I'm really glad."

"So you're dating?" he prompted.

Deep breath. "No. And before you give me that 'it's okay if you are' crap again, I just want to point out that it's not. I probably won't date for a long time." If ever.

He looked like he was bursting at the seams with what he was thinking. "So why the change in meds?"

"Just in case. I'm going to college in a couple weeks and I'd just feel better if we changed them before I made that transition in case something goes wrong. Because I'll do what I promised my mom and get a specialist, but I'd rather come back here for my checkups. If that's okay?"

"Of course it's okay," he replied. "I can always give the cardiologist in Seattle you choose a report. That's no problem."

"So if you continue to be my doctor in Forks, and I'm living in Seattle... it would be highly inconvenient to come here for an appointment if and when sex comes to the table."

"Not to mention suck the spontaneity right out of it."

"Exactly."

"I know it's not my place to say anything, but..." He trailed off and gazed over at the wall. "This is a big decision. One I'm not so sure you're completely decided on."

I stifled a nervous giggle and nearly rolled my eyes at myself. I was no better than the receptionist out there. "I'm _not _sure, Carlisle. But now that I know I'm not defective, the possibility is um, there to um..." I was so flustered I couldn't finish that sentence.

"I'm sorry, did you just say you thought you were defective?"

"Um... yeah?"

"Bella, that's absurd."

"Well, no one ever showed interest in me before my diagnosis, and then after, I'd never had a chance to... Until Edward, anyway."

"Jesus," he mumbled, his hand going through his hair again.

"And speaking of Edward, there might be a part of me that still hopes he'll come around. It's stupid, I know, but I can't help myself. I think about him all the time, and I..." I stopped the confession, completely embarrassed. "Never mind. He's your son. I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"I'm glad you are," he said kindly, causing my eyes to widen in surprise. "I think he's being an ass about the whole thing. Like you have anything to do with his... issues."

My mouth opened a few times before I managed to squeak out, "You know of his issues?"

"Not really. I can only assume you know more about them than I do, and I'm all right with that. Edward's never talked to us about his past; why start now?"

"Oh."

"Let me run over your most recent labs and go through your chart so I can see what might be the best fit for you. I'll give you a call say... tomorrow to discuss it further?"

"I'm scheduled to work tomorrow. Can you maybe call me there?"

"Sure. Newton's, right?"

_Don't remind me._ "Yeah."

"You don't seem all that thrilled about it."

I shrugged. "It's not Emmett's... and Mike... Well, he kind of gets on my nerves. He's like a lost puppy sometimes."

"He likes you."

"I kind of figured," I muttered, making Carlisle laugh. "I don't know how to tell him the feeling's not mutual without actually coming out and saying it. He doesn't seem to get my hints."

"Bella, I'm going to let you in on a little secret."

"What's that?"

"You're a pretty girl. You might as well get used to the attention, because I don't think it's likely to go away."

I blinked. "Thanks."

He nodded and moved to walk me back out. I followed him, somehow managing to stay quiet, even though my mind was racing with questions I wanted to ask him. I'd never really thought I was all that great to look at, but Carlisle's casual comment made it seem otherwise. Edward had always made it seem otherwise, too. So maybe I was blind because it was such a familiar sight. Too hard on myself? Simply inexperienced?

I wasn't really sure.

When we were through the maze of hallways and back out at the reception desk, Carlisle finally spoke again, making me start a little since I was so wrapped up in my thoughts.

"Don't give up on Edward yet."

I cleared my throat and looked away; I felt ridiculous for admitting that I was hung up on a man who wouldn't give me the time of day. "I won't."

"Good." He let out a sigh of relief. "Esme would not be happy if I'd come home and said the opposite."

I laughed softly, hiding how sad it made me to know that everyone wanted us to be together.

Everyone but Edward, that is.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," he said, grinning back at me.

"Thanks."

I left Carlisle's office and started out to the spot I'd parked my truck in, only to stop when I caught sight of Jacob strolling over toward me.

Just like the few times I'd seen him since coming to Forks, he managed to make me forget how miserable I was.

"Jake! Hi! I haven't seen you in a few days," I said cheerfully.

"Yeah, Dad's been kind of sick. We're seeing his doctor now."

My face fell, and I searched the parking lot for Billy. No sign of him. "He's okay?"

"Just a stomach bug," he responded dismissively. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting with Carlisle about rejection meds."

"Sounds fun."

"Oh, it's just another day in the life of a transplant patient," I teased, earning a smile in reply. "Hey, listen. I only have another couple of weeks before I head up to Seattle. Maybe we could hang out before I go?"

Please say yes, I begged silently to myself. He had no idea how much I needed a night of nothing but laughter.

His face tightened as he thought about it. "I don't know. Dad's..."

I took to begging out loud, "Come on. With everything going on, I haven't gotten to hang out with you once this summer."

"Ah... Okay. How about we go surfing?"

"Surfing?"

"At First Beach. I can probably have one of the elders come sit with Dad while we go."

"I've never been surfing," I admitted, unable to keep from grinning with excitement.

He smirked. "Not surprising."

I smacked him lightly on the arm. "So guess who gets to teach me, smart ass?"

A deep chuckle rumbled in his chest. "Can't wait. Want to try for Saturday?"

"Saturday sounds perfect."

"It's a date."

"Uh..."

"Joke, Bella. Chill," he said, rolling his eyes. "I know you carry a torch for Cullen."

"Oh. Sorry. Dr. Cullen just said something earlier that has me..." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling other than unsure of myself, in a completely different way than ever before. "It made me stop and think, I guess."

He smiled warmly. "No problem. I get it. You're new to this whole life thing."

"Sort of, yeah."

Jacob had five minutes to spare, so we quickly planned the day, both of us agreeing that it would be best to check the water conditions Saturday morning before I made any attempt at surfing. We both knew how much time I'd invested into _not _dying to carelessly ride a wave that was entirely too strong for my first time out.

I might have been stupid when it came to certain men, but I definitely wasn't when it came to my life.

Not now.

I stopped by Thriftway to grab a few groceries for Charlie before heading home. As I drove up the street, a flash of yellow caught my eye up on the right; then again as I got a little closer to the house.

"No way," I said in awe, a smile creeping onto my face.

The grin widened as I pulled into Charlie's driveway, directly behind my best friend's prized canary yellow Porsche. I had just managed to park the truck before I hopped out of the cab, groceries long forgotten, and raced into the house.

"Alice Brandon, what are you doing here?" I shouted, my eyes darting throughout the house.

A chair scraped the floor of the kitchen, and I was rushing to greet her. I wrapped my arms around her slender body and held on tight, unsure if I wanted to laugh or cry with her presence.

Tears won.

Everything seemed to culminate with her embrace, and I couldn't fight them off. I hadn't truly cried over Edward since seeing him for the first time after I'd told him about Maggie, and I was realizing just how much of the ache I hadn't allowed myself to feel yet.

She squirmed her way out of my grasp, her hazel eyes gazing at me questioningly as I sobbed in front of her.

And then she was hugging me again. "I'm so sorry I haven't been here," she murmured.

I shook my head and stepped away from her. "Don't be. I was the one who screwed it all up..."

"But..." She caught my expression and changed the subject. "So it looks like I need a place to stay until we start school. Know of anything?"

"We can get you one of those blow up mattresses from Newton's and you can sleep on my floor," I said in a hurry.

She laughed at my sudden enthusiasm.

"Oh, my God, you cut your hair!" I touched one of the short pieces that framed her face. She looked amazing. "I love it. It's really cute."

She reached up and started fidgeting with it self-consciously. "You're sure? I kind of let the girl do whatever she wanted, but I don't know if I like it yet. It's just... different."

"It's a good different," I assured her. "I promise."

She lit up with the compliment. "Show me your room? Charlie let me in, and then disappeared upstairs for a nap. I didn't want to just roam around your house by myself or I'd have already seen it."

"Okay."

"Then show me where you've been living all summer. I want to see everything before it starts pissing and pouring all over me again."

I moved further away from her, finally catching her outfit, and burst into a fit of giggles. She was perfectly put together, as always - that wasn't what I was laughing so hard about. What looked like brand new, bubblegum pink stilettos were caked with mud, covering the heels and parts of her feet.

She brushed imaginary lint off her thighs. "What? Skinny jeans are still in."

I shook my head and tried to speak. "Your shoes." More laughter, followed by wheezing. "What were you thinking wearing those up here?"

Her glossy lips made a pout. "I bought a pair of Hunters. I just didn't think I needed them when it wasn't actually raining."

"I don't know what those are."

"Rain boots, Bella. Jesus, did I teach you nothing?"

"Guess not." I flashed her a playful grin. "You should stick to flats."

She gave me a sour look.

"It's not like you're hiding how short you really are when you wear four inch heels," I joked. "And flats are _in_ too..."

She flipped me off. "Show me around, bitch, before I go back home."

"Wow, you're bossy now." A glare. I had to stifle another grin. "Anyway, my room's upstairs. You can see it when we get back."

"Back?"

"We're going to Newton's, and then heading up to Olympia to get you some bedding and whatever else you might need. I don't have anything like that here."

"Shopping?" she squealed. "You're taking me shopping?"

I smiled. "Yep. Just remember that we're not in Phoenix anymore."

"Yes, Dorothy," she answered primly.

I snorted with laughter. It was so good to have her here.

* * *

><p>"Bella, you're supposed to ride the waves, not sleep on them," Alice taunted from beside me.<p>

"Shh," I whispered, not bothering to open my eyes. My board swayed with the current, and the sun warmed my face. "It's sunny today. I'm going to lie here on my board and soak it in. You can go ride the waves if you want. Jacob will watch and make sure you don't kill yourself."

Water splashed over my face, making me sputter and grin like a loon. "I'm not _you,_" she shot back.

"You're not a west coast girl, either," I retorted.

A huff. "So what's the story with Jacob?"

"Not sure. I've known him since I was a kid, but I don't actually know him. Does that make sense?"

"Yes. But you must know something about him..."

I peeked over at her. She was staring back toward the shore where Jacob was talking with a friend of his. Quil, if I remembered right. "You interested in him?"

"Well, I am a nineteen year old girl who's transferred schools for her best friend. I don't know anyone else but you and the hot Indian dude up here."

"So make friends."

"I don't want friends," she snarked. "Unless they're of the male variety."

"Have you always been so boy crazy?" I asked, trying to remember what it was like before I got sick. I couldn't come up with anything this... extreme.

"Unlike you, Nun Swan, I have a healthy libido."

I laughed some more. "Stop making fun of me and go talk to him. You _are _the one with the insane sex drive, apparently."

She shrugged. "There's no point. We leave in two weeks."

"Then stop your whining!"

"Fine. But only if you tell me something about him."

I pursed my lips and thought about it. "His dad's in a wheelchair."

"And?"

She wanted more? Jeez... "_And _he thinks it means he's stuck here after he graduates."

"You mean to tell me he's all muscle and no brain?" She shook her head. "Damn. I was hoping he was an exception."

"No, I mean to tell you that his family doesn't have much money and his sisters took off with scholarships the second they could. He has a duty to his father, and as it seems, not much hope on the scholarship end. So maybe he is all muscle and no brain."

I frowned because that statement didn't ring true. Judging from what I'd seen, Jacob was far from stupid.

Alice read the look on my face. "Maybe he hasn't tried."

"Maybe," I agreed. "But that still doesn't solve who would take care of his father if he left."

"You should help him."

"What would I do?" I laughed. "You're the money bags in this situation."

"Edward has money."

"Edward's also not currently speaking to me."

"He's a dumbass." She shielded her eyes from the sun so she could see Jacob better. "Such a waste."

I sighed, "Yeah." Then I was struck with a sudden idea. "Hey, stop worrying with Jacob. He's not your type."

"Oh?"

"No. I know who is, though."

Her eyebrow shot up. "And he would be...?"

"Jasper."

"Wait, the brother you talk about all the time?"

"Yep. The one and only. You already know he goes to UW. He's charming, good looking, funny as hell-"

"Bella, I can't date Edward's brother," she interrupted.

"Why not? He's perfect."

"And what would it do to you?" she asked. "Let's say that it works out. I date the guy for more than a nanosecond. How would you feel knowing we were in his apartment - it is an apartment, right? - with his brother?"

"I... I..."

"Could you, maybe, one day see him with someone else at a party we all attended?" she continued. "Because I don't think you could. Not anytime soon, anyway."

I rubbed at my chest with the thought of Edward being with someone else. "Point taken," I whispered.

"That being said, I don't think that'll be the case. But we have to prepare for every scenario."

"What?"

"I think you two will end up together. I just don't know when yet."

I reached over and patted her arm. "You're full of shit, but I love you for that anyway."

"I'm serious. If what you've told me is even remotely true, your Edward isn't spending all his time hating you right now."

"Um... Alice, what else would he be doing?"

She smiled. "No idea. But trust me, hating you is probably the last thing that guy can do."

After a while, Jacob came out to join us, insisting that I at least learn enough to stand on the board for a few seconds without toppling over.

Which I quickly found out was easier said than done.

I fell every time, banging numerous body parts on the surfboard as I tumbled toward the water. But when I resurfaced I was giggling, sometimes so hard that I had to hang onto the board so that I didn't drown. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun being clumsy. Maybe I never had.

"Bella, I think you should take a break," Jacob said, eyeing the place my scar sat beneath the wetsuit.

My hand involuntarily snuck up to cover it up. It had taken every ounce of courage I could muster this morning to put on a bikini and board shorts then strip my shirt off and replace it with a wetsuit when we got to the beach. I didn't need anyone, even Jacob, staring at it to remind me of how I looked without any clothes on.

I did enough of that on my own.

"No, no. I'm good," I replied, pulling in a lung full of air.

He didn't move.

"I swear. I'm okay. A little out of breath from laughing so much, but I'm okay."

"He's right, Bella," Alice chimed in worriedly. "You should take a few minutes before trying it again."

"You guys, stop. This doesn't feel any different from all the times I've spent in the gym."

"I don't know..." Alice trailed off and bit her lip. "I'd feel better if you sat still for a while. I don't see you when you work out."

I rolled my eyes and hopped back up on the board. "Fine. I'm sitting. Happy?"

"Yes," they answered in unison.

It turned out that I wasn't much of a surfer, and by mid-afternoon, I was exhausted and starved. We threw on our clothes back on and headed to Forks to grab a bite to eat. I slid out of my truck, laughing at the way Alice and Jacob kept pestering each other the entire walk to the restaurant, not really noticing who was around.

Until it was too late.

I froze mid-step, causing Alice to slam into my back.

"Ow, Bella. What the hell?" she griped, rubbing the spot on her shoulder where we collided.

"Hi," I breathed, ignoring her completely.

Edward took in my face and tensed, reaching into his pockets for the cigarettes that were no longer there before realizing his mistake and grabbing at his hair instead.

His eyes darted between us, and then he muttered, "I'll go back-"

"No," I objected. "Don't."

He didn't say anything. But he didn't walk away, either.

"This is Alice," I said, trying somehow to fill the void on his end. "I told you about her. I don't know if you remember..."

He nodded. "I remember."

"That's um..." I coughed awkwardly. "This is Edward," I said to Alice.

She pinched the back of my arm in response, nudging me forward a little. "He's cute," she giggled in my ear.

I elbowed her back, hoping she'd get my hint of 'shut up' before Edward caught on. Though, she was right. He did look cute. Beautiful, even.

A car drove by. I watched it pass, unable to think of anything worth saying without begging and pleading for him to give me a second chance. But that wasn't happening. I may not have had a lot, but I still had some amount of dignity. Besides, I wanted him to choose to be with me. Not be with me because I wasn't giving him any other option.

"You look like you've been having fun," he finally said, casting a glare over at Jacob.

Jacob rolled his eyes and separated himself from us. Was Edward... jealous? Of _Jake_?

"Surfing. Yeah. I suck."

His lips twitched.

"So maybe it's not all that fun. I have bruises everywhere, and I guarantee that I won't be able to walk down the steps in the morning," I rambled, clamping my mouth shut before I could say anything more.

"No?" he questioned, his green gaze boring into mine.

"No," I croaked, trying hard not to close the distance between us and touch him, kiss him... _something._ "I... It would have been better if... What I mean is that..." I stopped and took a breath. "I miss you."

His eyes widened dramatically and he took a step back. "Yeah."

Hope swelled up inside me. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I... Fuck, I don't feel like I should after everything..." He saw the look on my face and continued. "I still have your journal. I should probably give it back, but-"

Deflated. Defeated. Hurt. "Keep it," I managed, feeling a tear streak down my cheek. "What use do I have with it now?"

I hurried to wipe it away and started to move past him.

"Don't cry," he pleaded, tentatively reaching out to me. His hand brushed over my arm, and my entire body lit up, the skin beneath his fingertips tingling. I'd forgotten how every part of me quickened, how good it felt to be under his spell. How warm and understanding he was under his hard exterior, what it was like when his temper wasn't flaring out of control.

_This_ was the man I loved.

"Please. Shit, I can't stand it when you cry."

"How come?" I wondered aloud.

He hesitated. "I don't know."

I needed more of the connection, more of _him_. I twisted so that I could rest my forehead on his chest, trying to simply breathe normally. But with each intake of air, the urge to cry grew stronger. Alice was right. There was no way I'd ever be able to see him with another girl. I could barely stand to see him alone. I'd rather die than see him with anyone but me.

"Hey," he whispered, bringing my wet, stringy hair back off of my shoulders. Of course I would run into him when I looked like hell. "Come on. Stop."

The movement elicited a sob from me, and his arms were abruptly wrapped around my waist, pulling me tight against him.

"I can't."

"Bella, please," he murmured. "I don't- I feel so helpless when you do this."

"I wish... I wish you'd read..."

"Jesus, this is so fucked up," he said bitterly. "I tried, but I can't even... I'm just not ready."

More hope with his words. "But maybe one day you'll be ready?"

"I... Maybe."

Maybe was good enough for me.

"Carlisle told me you were still in therapy. Do you know how proud I am of you for that?"

He groaned; his fingers dug into my hips. "God... Why the fuck do you love me, Bella?"

"Because I just do," I cried.

"But _why_? I'm no good for you. I'm no good for anyone."

"Why does there have to be a reason?"

He didn't answer, and before I had a chance to say more, he'd extricated himself out of my grasp and distanced himself from me. I felt so... empty again.

His face was expressionless. I couldn't read him. "My lunch break is almost over, and Carlisle's..."

"Oh. Okay."

He finally gave Alice attention, giving her a quick once over before speaking to her. "It was nice meeting you. I'm sorry I... Fucking hell, I mean- Never mind."

She eyed him speculatively for a moment. "Sure. You too, I guess."

"I've gotta go."

I couldn't talk, so I simply nodded and watched him walk over to his car. The second his Volvo was out of sight, Alice had her arm around my waist.

"Told you so," she whispered smugly.

"That means nothing," I argued, wiping at my face and trying to compose myself before we went inside the building.

"She's right, Bella," Jacob interjected. "He's a mess."

"He's always a mess."

He gave me a pointed look, and my stomach fluttered with nerves. "No, Bella, that's not it. It's more than that now. He's a mess because of you."


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey all! I'm going to be real quick up here because I'm currently in FL on vacation. *hears waves crash in the background and grins*... Thank you for all the reviews and adds again this week. You're seriously amazing.**

**Thanks to my beta, Stratan, and to stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading. **

**Hopefully, this chapter makes up for all of Edward's um... selfishness? Stupidity? Yeah, it's whatever you want it to be, and I hope it's enough. Eep!  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Chapter 18<p>

**Edward**

I opened the door to the silent, dark apartment and stepped inside. This was the place that Jasper and I called home during the school year. This was where I thought I wanted to be, alone. But when I flipped on the light and glanced around, I quickly realized that being trapped inside this apartment wasn't going to fucking help anything.

Because now there was nothing to save me from myself.

Seeing Bella's tears, hearing her plea, feeling her breathe against me, cling to me... It was like a sucker punch to the gut. I was what kept us apart. Not Maggie, not Bella's hesitance to tell me...

I was the only one who could fix this.

And I didn't know how.

I wanted to hit something again. I was twenty-fucking-three. I should know all the different ways to make things right with a girl. It should be instinctual, second nature. Instead, I floundered. I got confused, scared.

I was fucking hopeless at this love shit.

Panic lanced through me with the word. _Love._ It was the first time I'd ever used that term to describe what I felt for Bella. And I didn't know what it meant yet. Whether it was real or not.

Whether it was enough.

"You look a little sick, dude."

Startled, I jumped, my eyes narrowing when I saw the smile on my brother's face. "What the fuck, Jazz? You couldn't bother to let me know you were back there at some point?"

"Nah. It's too much fun to get you all riled up."

I growled in frustration. "Why are you following me?"

"Seemed like a good idea."

"You stupid-"

"Oh, get your panties out of your crack," he laughed, pushing past me so that he could sit his own luggage just inside the door. "I have school up here, too."

"In two weeks," I said between my teeth.

"Well, I have things to prepare for. Advisor meetings to attend..."

"Bullshit."

"Maybe." He grinned at my reaction. "It's fucking dark in here, Edward. Ever notice that?"

I took another look around, knowing exactly what he meant. Everything inside the apartment was some shade of gray. Charcoal walls, black furniture, stainless appliances... There was hardly any light coming from anywhere but the windows. I used to like it, because it matched the way I felt.

Now, though...

"It's depressing. We should fix that," I murmured, running my hand over the back of my neck while I waited for his response.

"Yes, we should." He walked over and plopped down on the couch, the sleeve of his t-shirt bunching up at his shoulder. I still wasn't used to seeing him in actual summer clothes. "Got anything in mind?"

"Not really."

"Yeah. Me either." He paused. "We need Mom."

I snorted.

He leaned back against the arm of the couch, pinning me with those fucking steel eyes of his. "So what brings you up here, anyway?"

"I needed space," I replied vaguely.

The bastard saw right through me. "Sure you did."

"I did."

"Because?"

"I..." I chewed on the inside of me cheek, debating on whether I should answer him or not. Finally, I did. "I saw Bella yesterday."

And effectively ran.

"Oh?" he asked, smiling over at me.

"She cried."

That wiped the smile off his face.

"I can't... I, fuck, Jasper, I can't run into her knowing she's going to react like that. Knowing that it's because... I mean... Goddamn it, she's crying because of me and I-"

He waved at me to stop. "Deep breaths, Edward."

I did as instructed, breathing in and out, over and over again until my chest didn't feel so tight.

"You don't like making her cry," he stated after I'd calmed down.

"You think?" I shot back snidely.

"What are you going to do about it then?"

"That's just it. I don't know." I pointed over to my bags. "I did pack the journal and shit, though."

The smile was back. "Well, now, that's a start."

"We'll see. I haven't been able to bring myself to read any of it yet."

"You will," was all he said in return.

I grabbed my luggage and took it to my bedroom, intent on unpacking. But when I opened the suitcase, all I could do is stare at the brown leather journal sitting atop my clothes and wonder how much of the puzzle I was missing. Which parts of Bella's story I wouldn't let her explain. My hand ran over the smooth cover, and I snatched it back when my fingers touched the edge. Every day I was closer to reading it, closer to caving.

The room suddenly felt tiny. My head swam.

I needed air.

I bolted for the door and grabbed my laptop on my way through the living room. Jasper was busy unpacking his own belongings, so my escape went unnoticed. Thank fucking Christ. The last thing I needed was to try to explain to someone else what was going on when I couldn't really even explain it to myself.

There was a coffee shop on the corner where Jasper and I had always gone to study when we needed out of the apartment. It was closer than the UW campus libraries, and if you timed it well, just as quiet. I had nothing to study, but I could figure something to do out. Make sure everything was set up for classes, surf the web... Hell, anything would do to pass the time.

I checked my email, scanning through the new messages until I came upon one from Emmett with an attachment. I clicked the image and was suddenly looking at Bella's smiling face, taken just after their most recent game, and damn it if my chest didn't start to ache.

"Fucker," I muttered, staring hard at the photo.

"You look really pissed off about something."

I glanced up and fought back a grimace. "Tanya," I replied coolly, hoping she'd understand that I wasn't in the mood for company and go.

She sat down instead.

Her curly, blonde hair fell against my shoulder, and I had to repress a shudder before scooting my chair a little further away from her.

"You're back early."

"Yep."

"How come?"

"What's it fucking matter?" I returned.

She still wasn't deterred by my rudeness. "It doesn't. Just making conversation."

I grunted.

"Ready for class?"

I jerked one shoulder up. "I guess."

Her blue eyes brightened excitedly. "I'm dying to start. It means I'm just one step closer to being an actual doctor."

"Yeah. Can't fucking wait," I responded dryly.

"Why the sarcasm?" she asked, genuinely trying to reach past the attitude to learn more about me.

Like I was going to fucking let her.

"Listen, I'm kind of busy here," I said, giving her a glare, "so you should go sit somewhere else."

"You say that like I'm not welcome."

"You're still sitting here like you are."

She huffed but, thankfully, started to stand. Until she caught sight of the picture of Bella.

_Fuck._

"Who's that?"

"No one." I quickly shut the laptop before she could see any more. For some reason, I didn't want this girl looking at Bella. It was almost like I was protecting her from Tanya, which was stupid. Tanya was annoying as hell, but that was it.

So maybe I just wanted to keep Bella to myself.

But why?

"She's pretty. You know her?"

I clenched my teeth together so I didn't yell in the middle of the coffee shop, my nostrils flaring with each breath I took to calm myself.

"Edward..."

"She's none of your business."

Her eyes met mine. She smirked. "Oh, how hard the mighty do fall."

"Jesus, Tanya, would you just go away?" I groaned.

"Sure." She got up and wiggled her fingers, the smirk never leaving her face. "See you in class."

I waited until Tanya was out of the coffee shop before opening my laptop and calling the picture of Bella back up. She seemed happy, but I'd had enough experience with pretending to see that Bella was doing just that. She looked tired, like she wasn't getting enough sleep. She was still slightly thinner than she had been before... The smile on her face was bright, maybe even one of laughter. But it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Emmett had known exactly what he was doing when he sent me this. He knew I'd study her, and then feel this fucking guilt eat away at me for being the reason behind it all. Because I wasn't really mad at Bella anymore. I was just...

Fucking lost.

I typed a quick email back to the piece of shit before grabbing my stuff, leaving the coffee shop, and heading back home. Escaping the apartment - getting away from Bella's journal - hadn't helped at all, because now all my thoughts were on her anyway. I wondered what she was doing. If she was readying herself for the move here, laughing with Alice, or spending more time with Jacob Black. Learning to surf. Falling off her board and having Jacob help her back on. I nearly fucking snarled with the thought of him putting his hands on her, platonically speaking or not.

I shoved my hands through my hair and tried to focus on something else. I had no right to feel this way, because I had no claim on Bella. I gave up any claim I might have had on her the day I-

Fuck, one of these days the thought of having just Jacob's hands on her wasn't going to be my only problem. It could be an amorous touch. It could happen with some college fucker she meets at a party. The potential to actually _witness _it would be there. And I could do nothing to stop it.

I wanted to puke with that.

"I fucking give up," I said as I stomped through the door.

"You what?" Jasper called back, poking his head into the hallway.

"I fucking give up. I just keep thinking about that goddamned journal and what she said and everything I'm missing." I kicked Jasper's suitcase out of the way as I stormed past him in the hall. "It's driving me nuts. I can't _do_ this shit anymore."

"Do what, exactly?"

I dragged in a shaky breath, feeling like I was about to explode from everything I'd been thinking. "Hurt her."

"Then don't," he replied calmly.

"Yeah fucking right. That's all I've done since I've met her. It's what I'm good at."

"That's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard. You're not usually one to repeat your mistakes."

"Yeah, but..." My hands tugged at my hair; my eyes went to the suitcase sitting on my bed. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be what she needs."

"_How_ do you know? You never really gave yourself a chance to see what you could be to her."

"I just do. My whole biological family is-"

"Don't even say fucked up," Jasper growled. "Because that girl in there... _Maggie_... is proof that your logic is faulty as hell."

I didn't move for what felt like an eternity, soaking up his words. Because he - they all - were right. Maggie defied my logic. She destroyed my defense. She was the girl who seemed to have accomplished so much because she worked at it, wanted it. Maybe not knowing her past had something to do with it, yes, but my theory of it being something genetic that molded me into this... Fuck, I was wrong. I'd been wrong all this time. Because it wasn't genetics at all; at least, not in my case it wasn't. I couldn't discredit years of addiction research that claimed it was somehow linked to genetics in certain instances. It was the environment I'd been living in, the shit I was forced to deal with at such a young age.

And I'd just fucking let it. I'd let it turn me into something I despised. Bitter, angry, scared, confused...

Before I knew it I'd crossed the room and snatched up the journal. I dug through the suitcase for the other shit Bella gave me, and then I went over to the black desk in the corner, stupidly feeling as though I was sprinting to get there. I wasn't rushing because of anticipation, excitement, or anxiety over what I'd find in my hands. I was terrified that if I gave myself even a second to think about what I was doing, I'd change my mind.

And Bella would continue to suffer at my hand.

The journal was still covered in a little dust from where it had sat still in my room in Forks for so long. I gently wiped it clean before sitting it down on the desk with a deep, steadying breath.

Then I did what I never thought I'd have the courage to do.

I opened it.

A page fell out, something that looked as though it had been stuffed in the front in a hurry, and fluttered to the floor. I went to retrieve it, recognizing Bella's beautiful, looped handwriting the moment I picked it up.

"Oh, fuck," I breathed, feeling something bubble up in my chest as I scanned the page. She'd written me a letter... One that was messy and incomplete, because she hadn't planned on telling me like she did. She'd wanted...

Hell, I didn't know what she had wanted.

And I was quickly learning that her motives didn't matter anymore.

Another deep breath, and I was bracing myself for what was there. Because no way could I look at it and not read it now... Now, I had to know what it was I'd never given her the chance to say.

xx

_Dear Edward,_

_It feels strange writing that. Every other time I've written to someone specific in this journal of mine, it was to your sister, Maggie. But that's also pretty strange, isn't it? I don't really know what I expected to get out of writing letters to a dead person, and have wondered so many times if maybe I should have been denied the heart to begin with. For so many reasons, really, most of which are written down somewhere in here. But the most recent reason, the one I haven't had the chance to write about, is because of you. And... No, I don't..._

_God, this is going to need a lot of editing._

_I should probably start from the beginning. Right? You'd want to know about that, wouldn't you? Of course you would. Anyone would want to know why the crazy heart transplant patient was stalking her donor's brother. You can never tell with people these days. Well, so I'm told. Not that I would really know. Hospital bed and all._

_OK, here it goes._

_I woke up after my surgery with a melody in my head. I'd never been one to listen to classical music, so I didn't think much about it. I had other things to worry about, like healing. I'd hear a piano play and it would come back to me, along with questions about who my donor was. I guess at the time I thought I was trying to just... I don't know, really. Find peace? Someone had died and I had lived. I needed a reason why, because I'd never really gotten a chance to do much in my life. And every piece of information I learned about her just made me feel worse about myself. Undeserving of the gift I'd been given._

_We're a lot alike in that way, huh?_

_It snowballed from there. I found out all the information I could about Maggie, met her parents and shed some tears... But it still wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed to find you._

_Shit, I'd rather tell him all of this in person._

_I got to see you for who you really are when no one else really could. You are giving something back to me, something I hadn't known I'd lost. You're giving me a purpose. Because now I know that my life can be amazing if I want it to be. I have to thank Maggie for it, of course, because I wouldn't be here without her, never would have known you even existed. But I have to thank you too. For opening my eyes in the last few weeks. For helping me come to terms with everything. I owe you so much more than you will ever know, and the thought of hurting you..._

_I don't know how I'm going to tell you. I'm so scared I'll lose you and I've just found you. You make me feel... I can't describe it. Alive. You make me feel alive, Edward. Sometimes I think maybe I have the same effect on you, but I'm sure it's just my heart wanting you to feel the same. And that's another thing. "My heart". I always used to refer to it as "this" or "her heart". At some point, I accepted it as my own. I think it's because of you. _

_Jesus, this is confusing as hell and I know the entire story. I should stop talking. Think of something else. Although, at my rate, I'm never going to tell him anyway. _

_OK, so I'm scrapping this one. Maggie, if you would help me out here I'd appreciate it. I'm totally screwing this up. I don't know how to tell him, how he'll react. Please don't let him hate me. I couldn't stand it. I-_

_Claire de Lune! That's the song! Maybe I should add that somewhere. Maybe it means something to him too._

_Does it? Does it mean anything to you?_

xx

I put the letter down with shaking hands and tried to push my hair away from my forehead. I wanted to laugh because the letter was so inherently _Bella_. Scattered, pieced together and unsure, but still somehow able to say more with just a few sentences than most people could in an entire page. Movement caught my eye, and I looked over to see Jasper still hovering in the doorway. He hadn't let me read it alone. Just in case.

"Claire de Lune," I muttered unthinkingly.

"The song?"

"It's what Bella heard when she came out of anesthesia. It's what my mother played for me before she-"

I swallowed and pushed the thought out of my mind. Before drugs became the center of Elizabeth's world, I was. Only those kind of memories were muddled, overshadowed by all the bad.

"Do you remember something? Maggie?" he asked, his eyes wide and fully of worry.

"No," I whispered. I stared back at him for a moment, dumbfounded. "How is that possible?"

He didn't have an answer for me.

I studied the first page of the journal until the words blurred together. She'd written the entry just after seeing Maggie's adoptive parents for the first time. Tears stained the paper.

I skimmed a drop with the tip of my finger, and then turned the page.

Heartbreak. Confusion. Maybe even a little... mania? Each entry was colored with some new feeling as it was written, letting me see into Bella's soul, connect with her on some level I hadn't know existed.

"I'm fucking stupid." So goddamned stupid because I could have spent these last few weeks with her, learning every square inch of her, and instead I'd been blinded by anger, too wrapped up in myself to know what I'd been missing.

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head. "Christ, Jasper. I'm lost."

Lost in a completely new way. Lost to her.

Because I'd finally come to realize I couldn't fight the inevitable.

xx

_If I am killed, I can die but once; but to live in constant dread of it, is to die over and over again._

xx

"You're obsessed."

"Seems to go with the territory," I muttered, stretching and feeling my bones crack as I did. "Shit, what time is it?"

"Ten." Jasper plopped down on the couch beside me. "You've been reading that thing all day."

I shut the journal and glanced over at him. "Want food?"

"Yeah. Pizza?"

"Yeah." I threw the phone at him. "You're buying."

"Dick."

I smirked as he dialed the pizza place a couple blocks over. "You seen any of this?" I asked, gesturing down to the journal.

He held up a finger and finished the order before telling me, "Hell no. That's Bella's diary. No way am I looking at that thing."

"There's..." I flipped through the pages and found what I was referring to, a sketch of an anatomically correct heart. "Look. Here."

"Well, hell. Look at that. B has talent," he said with a grin. "She even put the coronary arteries in the right spots."

"They're all over the place. It's... She quotes something one day, writes a letter to Maggie the next, draws something she's seen a week later. There are sketches of Olympic everywhere."

"Huh. Even from before she moved?"

"Yeah. She was drawing from memory, I guess. I don't fucking know."

"Go. Ask. Her."

I pushed him away. "No. I can't."

"Pussy."

xx

_Dear Maggie,_

_Your brother is an asshole. He's rude, he's obnoxious; he does everything he can to keep people away. And yet here I am, watching him sleep in what looks like the most uncomfortable chair ever, which is something I don't think he allows himself to do much. I can't stay away from him. I'm physically drawn to him, his taste, his touch... There's something incredible about the way he looks at me, and when he lets me see him for what he really is, I melt. He's a weakness I didn't know I had. A drug I can't get enough of. _

_Ironic, isn't it, given his past? Your mom?_

_My biggest fear, though, is him shutting me out. With or without knowing about you. Because he tries. Every single day, he tries. _

_And I don't know why.  
><em>

* * *

><p>"This is her," I said, flashing the picture of Maggie to Dr. Banner. "Margaret Grace Carr. They called her Maggie. Or maybe my parents did, and the Carrs kept it. I don't know."<p>

"And?"

"Fuck, I just told you: I don't know."

He chuckled. "Well, what do you feel when you look at her?"

I turned the picture around and studied it closely, trying to name what it was I felt when I stared at her. I hadn't allowed myself to dig too deeply into Maggie's information yet. Bella's journal, I'd devoured. This, though... This was harder, even though I didn't want it to be. There was a part of me that wouldn't let go of the past still. But at least I was getting better. Before, I couldn't open the photo album, much less look at a picture of a girl who looked nothing like me at first glance.

A picture of my fucking sister.

She had blonde, wavy hair that was cut off to her collarbone in the picture. Pale green eyes shaped like mine. Her mouth even twisted up further on one side than the other, much like Bella had always claimed mine did. She was so full of life... happiness.

Son of a bitch.

"Hope," I finally admitted. "I feel fucking hope."

"For?" he pressed.

"Myself. Bella. Everything. I see her and wonder if maybe I can find a way out of this bullshit life that I've made for myself. I have adoptive parents like she did. I have the means for school and nearly everything else I want like she did. It's just I...

"There's something Bella wrote in her journal. A quote. 'Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future'. I was already starting to think along those lines, but when I read it..."

He shifted the pad of paper in his lap slightly and waited.

"I wondered how much of my future I've already missed because I can't _let go_. And I- It's all a fucking lot to process," I finally sighed.

"Which you seem to be doing."

I shrugged and tried not to fidget in the chair.

"Any resentment toward her?"

"I... I keep reminding myself that it wasn't her fault. Not any more than it was mine. But I- What I mean is that- I'm..." I exhaled loudly and shook my head.

"You know what they say, Edward."

I gave him a funny look, because I _didn't _know what they said. Not in this situation, anyway.

"Rome wasn't built in a day."

"Oh. Fuck, yeah. I get it. I do. It's just... I want to be someone Bella deserves. And I want to be that now."

Dr. Banner stared at my legs for a few seconds. I glanced down and noticed they were bouncing anxiously.

I stilled immediately.

"You are."

"No, not yet. There's so much running through my mind," I told him earnestly. "And I think... No, there's no fucking thinking about it. Impossible as it seems, I love the girl." My heart thrilled with the admission, like the fucker was thankful my brain had finally gotten with the program. "I want her back. But I don't want it to be like before."

"How was it before?" he asked curiously.

"Like everything else in my life. Completely fucked. It was built on lies. None intentional, but..." I trailed off with an irritated noise at myself.

"So tell me something that happened in your past. Something you might have hidden from Bella before."

"No. Not-" I choked on my words and pushed through it. "Fuck me, fine. What would you like to know?"

"Why were you shot?"

"I wanted to get high."

His brows shot up, and as much as I didn't want to, I knew I had to give him the full story. I just hoped that I could get through it all without wanting to retch into the wastebasket behind me.

"I was a stupid kid. I used... everything. Heroin, mostly, though. It was lightning fast and left you soaring, you know?" I cleared my throat, because apparently, I was still pretty stupid. "Never mind. You probably wouldn't fucking know. Sometimes I just wanted to get away from everything. See what it was Elizabeth was so fascinated with."

"How exactly did you do it?"

"Uh... I never mainlined. Scared the fucking piss out of me. I had a death wish, but not like that. Fuck, I'd seen too many OD's when I was at Grayson's and never wanted to be one of those seizing corpses."

"Grayson."

I tensed, realizing I'd spoken aloud about the fucker. I hadn't said his name willingly in... Fuck, nine years? He thought I was dead. Saying his name was like broadcasting that I was still here, that I still knew. It was risking my life, my family's... Bella's...

And there it was, triggered by her name alone.

Panic. Seizing me, owning me... I couldn't breathe. Because Bella's safety from my past was never something I'd really ever thought about until now. I'd only seen the immediate danger, what I could do to hurt her. What I'd _been_ doing to hurt her. Now there was a whole new threat. If any of them found out who I really was and came for me...

"Edward? You okay?"

I gritted my teeth together, and then I managed to clarify with, "Aro Grayson is the bastard who shot me."

Another raise of the brows.

Silence stretched between us until I was able to keep going with the story.

"So uh," I pulled at my hair, "anyway, I think I was after an eightball. I wanted coke with it for some unknown reason that day. And I was a cocky fuck when I thought no one was watching. I didn't know the shithead selling it to me was one of Aro's new guys. James, I think his name was. So I just waltzed into the alley and made the buy."

"Then what happened?"

"I heard the sound before I felt the pain. Delayed reaction, shock. Whatever. I didn't die with the first shot. So he fired again. I couldn't keep on my feet and I... I remember lying there feeling the blood pool around me and thinking that I was going to drown in the stuff. When I was thinking, that is. I wasn't too fond of consciousness at that particular moment."

"Why'd he shoot you?"

"Why the hell wouldn't he? Do you know how much shit I knew about those fuckers? I knew where they hid out, which clubs they frequented, where they kept their product. There was prostitution and rape and murder and God fucking knows what else going on inside that complex. I could have given the cops everything they needed to lock all of them up for an eternity."

"So why didn't you?"

"Because I was terrified of them," I said simply.

No need to delve into all the threats and innuendos I'd received on a daily basis in that hell hole. Not a day went by that I didn't think I'd be...

"Edward?" Dr. Banner asked. "Where did you go?"

I blinked a few times. Took a few breaths too, in hopes of settling my stomach. Didn't exactly work. "What?" I wheezed.

"You got lost in your head a bit."

"Right. Yeah." I swallowed hard. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure. We can talk about whatever you want." Pause. "But we will eventually talk about what just happened."

Of course we would.

I reached over and grabbed the file, opening it and hurrying through the paperwork until I was looking at Maggie's adoption records. She was younger than me by sixteen months, adopted eight years before I was.

"I want to talk more about Maggie. I want to know why it is you think I don't remember her."

* * *

><p><strong>So... yeah. Hidey hole time.<strong>

**Hope everyone had a great holiday and has a Happy New Year!**

**Quotes, because I cannot take credit for them:**

**The quote Edward reads in Bella's journal is from Abraham Lincoln**

**The quote Edward references in his therapy session is from John F. Kennedy**

**Apparently, I like presidential quotes.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Ok, real quick: I'm going to clarify a couple things.**

**1) Edward never has remembered anything about Maggie, which is the reason he asked Dr. Banner why he thought he didn't. At this point, he wants any and every theory available to him.**

**2) Maggie died right before Bella's heart transplant, which was a little over a year ago. That would have made her 21 at the time. She was adopted, however, when she was 5 and Edward was 6.**

**As always, thanks for the reviews and adds last chapter. Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, and stephk0525 and claireoth for prereading. Loves you.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 19<p>

**Bella**

**3 years ago - Diagnosis Day**

Late, I rushed out of my mother's tan stucco house and hitched my black messenger bag over my shoulder. I shouldn't have been running to Renee's SUV, because I knew I'd fall. I _always _fell. So it was no surprise when I lost my balance and went sprawling out onto the small, white rock of the driveway.

I connected with the ground; the jagged edges of the rocks tore through my jeans and into my flesh, causing pain to sear through my palms and knees. A small, involuntary whimper escaped my throat before I rolled over and groaned angrily, spitting the lock of hair that had worked its way into my mouth on the way down. I stared up at the Arizona morning sky and nearly screamed in frustration, the neighbors be damned. This morning was…

_Ugh. No words._

So far, nothing had gone right. Not once. And this day, the day I had to stand up in front of my classmates and nervously stumble through an oral report, was the day that it had chosen to happen. My alarm hadn't gone off; the water heater had gone out so my shower had been cold. My gym uniform was lost in the bottom of the bathroom hamper, instead of clean like I'd anticipated, and the milk for my typical bowl of cereal had gone bad overnight.

And I'd awoken to the strangest sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach.

I shook the feeling away and stared up at the clouds, trying to make little shapes out of them like I'd done every summer with Charlie in Forks. It was juvenile and ridiculous, but it was working to distract me from the throbbing in my legs and hands. I closed my eyes and reveled in the warmth of the sun. This was something I'd never had in all those summers with my father since Forks was so rainy, and it was the one thing—regardless of my miserable, teenage existence—I stayed here for, no matter how much I missed him.

I sat up and dusted my knees off, deciding with a frown that my favorite jeans were now ruined. I could hear footfalls coming from the porch, quickly getting closer as my stepfather hurried over to me. Soon, he was hovering over me, his bulky silhouette obstructing my view of the gorgeous, blue sky.

"What'd you do now?" he asked. From the way his lips twitched, I figured he already knew.

"Fell."

With the confirmation, he laughed, enhancing the lines around his deeply set muted green eyes. "Well, I kind of gathered that."

"Because I do it all the time," I muttered wryly.

"You'll grow out of it."

"You're so full of crap," I shot back playfully. "I'm sixteen. I'm not growing out of it, Phil."

He laughed again and held out a hand to help me up. I chewed on my lip as I debated it for a moment, and then reluctantly accepted it, wincing as his hand tightened around the scraped and bleeding skin of my own. As soon as I was on my feet, I pulled my hand from his and rolled my wrist, sighing heavily as I felt a dull ache starting to form.

He watched the movement with curiosity. "Bell?'

"I think I strained it."

"Need me to call the doc before Renee comes out?"

I shook my head. "Thanks, but no."

"You remember the game's been pushed up to four, right?" Phil asked as he picked my messenger bag off of the ground for me.

I nodded and started back toward the house so I could change. "I remember. Mom made me listen to the message on the machine."

He grinned and adjusted the cap back over his light brown hair. "She can be a little overbearing."

"You think?" I laughed. "I'm not even allowed to stay at home while she goes to all your games. I feel like this bears repeating around here: I'm sixteen, Phil."

"Yeah."

"I can take care of myself for a couple of hours."

Renee crashed through the door, and I immediately realized that she'd seen every second of that fall.

Just what I needed.

Phil simply put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

"Are you okay, baby?" Renee called out to me as she hurriedly closed the distance between us.

Maybe it was a little mean of me, but I knew my mother well enough to know that in her mind, I could never _just_ fall. And so I let images of broken bones and gashes in need of sutures flicker through her mind for a while. I wanted her to panic a little. Served her right for being so damn-

"Bella's fine," Phil answered with a pointed look at me. "Aren't ya?"

"Yep. Just peachy, Mom," I agreed.

Are you su-?"

"I tripped," I interrupted. "You know, the usual."

But Renee wasn't satisfied with my answer and took it upon herself to examine me. I rolled my eyes and waited for it to be over.

"Mom," I tried again, tugging my hand away. "I'm fine."

Renee ignored me and started checking other body parts. I was honestly used to it after sixteen years, and normally, I was tolerant of the way my mother fretted over me. It was simply her way of showing me that she loved me. But lately, it wasn't comforting at all...

It drove me nuts.

"God, get off me," I snarled, startling Renee with my sudden anger. I felt bad, but still stepped out of her reach and headed into the house before she could start touching me again.

I rushed to my bedroom and changed, hoping like hell that I wasn't going to be late. History, and its god-awful report, was my first class. Today was not the day to be strolling in after the bell rang.

When I was dressed again, I threw my jeans in the trash and ran back down the stairs. I found both Renee and Phil waiting for me at the door, and I huffed as I caught the frown flicker across Renee's face, knowing that only an apology would wipe it away.

"Mom, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," Renee relented, fidgeting like she was going to start examining me again. "Good luck with your presentation, Bella. I'll see you at the game later."

She started to walk away, and I was compelled to yank her back and throw my arms around her tiny frame.

"I love you," I whispered against her ear.

Why I felt it was suddenly necessary to share the sentiment, I wasn't sure, but I couldn't leave for the day without saying it; without making sure she _knew_.

xxxxx

**Present Day**

The room was empty, the last box packed. The bed was stripped down to nothing but the mattress and was the only thing left standing in the bedroom. Soon it too would be broken down and hauled off, ready to see me through college and possibly after.

Looking around, I felt a sort of... closure on what had happened during my time in Forks. Edward was never truly mine when we were together, no matter how much I had wanted him to be.

And maybe he never would.

I wanted to phase him out with the rest of what my life had been, possibly use my time at UW as a way to start over again, become someone else.

Unfortunately for me, I wasn't sure I could ever really move on from him. He'd burrowed his way into my soul. He'd made me... _me_ again. Better, actually. I liked the girl I was when I was with Edward.

Without the secrets, of course.

So what did that mean? That I was stuck wanting someone who wouldn't have me for the rest of my life? It wasn't as if I didn't function. I functioned just fine, but in the quiet moments, the moments I was able to sit and think of him, I felt it all come back to me. The pain, the guilt, the loss. Not as severe as it used to be. I could quell a sob before it ever had a chance to form tears now; at least, when he wasn't around I could. I was healed some, though not entirely. Because I still loved him. So much, that thinking of moving on was more for my sanity than from a desire to. And when I envisioned my life in the future, happy in the life I was making for myself, I was alone. The thought of any other man kissing me, sleeping where Edward once had beside me, was just-

_Wrong._

Charlie cleared his throat from behind me, and I turned to give him a small smile.

"You okay, kiddo?"

I shrugged. "Can't decide."

He grunted, clearly displeased with my answer. "Just a head's up for when you leave: Alice is outside bouncing in her car."

"How many cups of coffee did she have?" I asked, cringing.

"Three, I think."

"Shit."

He chuckled and closed the distance between us. "So it's been said that Edward and Jasper are already in Seattle. Have been for a while now."

I gave a noncommittal hum.

"You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you?"

"I haven't seen Edward in two weeks."

"Which, from what I hear, is right around the time he left town."

"You should check your sources," I joked.

He ran his fingers over his mustache and studied me for a moment. "Then I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you're not in here thinking about Edward Cullen, you're thinking about your old man. And how much you'll miss him."

I laughed a little and took the few steps over to hug him. "I was thinking about the day I was diagnosed."

He tensed, unprepared for that.

So I tried to lighten things up a bit. "And maybe a little about Edward. Everything but you. Sorry."

"So the truth comes out," he replied, finally squeezing me back.

"Yeah... Can you believe it's been a year already?"

"I'm thankful for it. It's a year I got to spend with you that I wouldn't have otherwise."

I didn't speak, too lost in memories of coming out of anesthesia confused, of hearing that stupid melody in my head and wondering if it had something to do with the heart I'd received.

"Is that what has you thinking about the day you were diagnosed?" Charlie asked.

I nodded. "I was just remembering that morning. How nothing went right. Should have been my first clue to stay in bed, huh?"

"How were you supposed to know."

"That I'd play volleyball in gym, blackout and collapse? I guess I wasn't supposed to."

"You weren't," he reiterated.

"And you know, with all the thinking about my heart, it's only natural that I think about Edward too, right?"

"Yes."

"Good. Okay. Because I keep trying to convince myself that all it ever was, was first love. But I can't get over it. I don't know if I ever will. So then I ask myself if it was really something more? I'm just... No matter how hard I try not to be, I'm miserable."

"I know, baby," he sighed. "I want to say it's something more and that you two - Edward, mainly - weren't ready, because you... Well, let's just say those first couple of weeks I was out of the hospital were rough for both of us. And not because I'm a horrible patient."

"Which you are," I giggled.

"Hey, watch it. I might just take back that money I deposited in your account today."

I took a step back and stared up at my father with wide eyes. "What?"

"Your mother and I... We've been working for a while to make sure that you have all you need when you go to college. It was kind of a... I don't know. It kept us from having to be committed every time you had to go back into the hospital for some test or surgery or..." He scrubbed at his face. "We kept thinking that you'd get through it all, because it was waiting for you. And our Bella would never let it go to waste."

Tears sprung to my eyes, and I was wrapped in his arms again. "Thank you."

Another grunt, one of discomfort this time. "It might not get everything you and Alice need, but-"

"Alice might not even let me pay for any of it."

He smiled down at me. "I wouldn't put it past her."

"Neither would I."

A horn blared in the driveway.

"I'm going to want to shoot her before we get there, aren't I?"

"You can always take your truck," he returned.

I shook my head and moved away from him again. "I think it'd just sit, Dad. Besides, I can always come back and get it if I need to."

"I'm going to miss you," he sighed. "You were here just long enough for me to get used to it."

I didn't bother telling him how much I'd miss him too, because I knew I'd just end up crying. And I'd done well so far today. I was depressed, but not a single tear had been shed.

I wanted to keep it that way.

I hurried out to Alice's Porsche, opening the passenger's side door, throwing my bag inside, and then turning around to face Charlie.

"I'll see you in the morning?"

"Yep. I've got a whole crew ready to move you two in." He glanced out and the road and shifted on his feet a little. "Sure you don't want to wait till tomorrow?"

I shook my head, feeling horrible that I was saying no. But I was afraid that if I didn't go now, I'd never leave him at all. Which was incredibly ridiculous; Charlie had lived for years alone without me. He didn't need me now, any more than he did then.

Plus, there were all those girls waiting for him to open his eyes and finally see them.

I snorted with the thought, earning an odd look from him.

"Care to let me in on the joke?"

"Just... Date or something."

He blinked, and then let out a loud laugh. "What?"

"You heard me." I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "There are a ton of women around here who are interested in the Chief of Police. Trust me."

He seemed flabbergasted.

I giggled. "I'll see you in the morning. Love you."

"I love you. Drive safe," he shouted at Alice through the windshield. "I don't want to hear about some high speed chase with a yellow Porsche later."

She acted offended. "Who? Me? I would _never_."

He rolled his eyes, waving us off. "Drive safe," he repeated, this time a little sterner.

"I'll call you when we get there."

* * *

><p>The sound of something scraping over the wood floor, followed by my father's strained groan, had me racing out of my bedroom and into the tiny living room of my new apartment.<p>

"Put it down!" I yelled. "Put it down now!"

Charlie sat the end of the futon down and gave me a dirty look. "It's fine, Bella."

"No, it's not. You're not supposed to be doing stuff like that!"

"Well, what am I supposed to do then? Watch you?"

"Let Jacob do it. Please. It's why he offered to help."

Charlie grumbled something incoherent, and then straightened up when Jacob came through the door with a piece of my bed. The headboard, to be specific.

"Where to, Bella?"

"Second door on the right. Um, put it against the far wall?"

He flashed a grin. "Got it. Leah's bringing up the footboard."

I gaped. Leah Clearwater, a girl who was no older and not much bigger than me was carrying part of my bed?

"Seriously? I can't even..."

"It's not heavy. Just awkward for little people like you."

I considered a retort, but decided against it with my father there.

"When is your mom's flight supposed to get here?" Alice asked. She sat a small box down in the corner and made a face. "That looks stupid there. I know we're college kids, but a futon in the living room screams... Ugh, never mind."

I giggled. "Fix it how you want. I don't care which way the coffee table sits or which wall the TV hangs on."

"That one," she said pointing to the wall opposite me. "There's a cable line already there."

"See, you've got this all figured out. At this point, I'd just get in the way. Anyway, flight. She's supposed to be here around five."

"Okay, I want to make dinner for everyone."

"Alice, no one expects-"

She cut me off. "Don't even suggest pizza. This is our first night in our own place and all of the important people will be here. It may never happen again, so I'm cooking."

I held up my hands in surrender, exchanging a look with my father. I'd be supervising Alice's time in the kitchen later, especially if I wanted to actually _have_ an apartment and not a smoldering pile of ash when she was through.

"How about we put the futon in the spare bedroom? You know, in case someone crashes here or whatever," I suggested.

Charlie arched a brow.

"What? Study sessions run late," I defended before getting back to the original topic. "We can buy a couch instead."

"You'll let me buy a couch?"

"Uh, no. I believe I said 'we'." I glanced over at Jacob, now standing silently against the wall. "I said 'we', right?"

He smirked. "Yeah. Pipsqueak there misheard you."

She flipped him the bird.

"_We_," I repeated, staring at her levelly. "No funny ideas."

She opened her mouth to protest, and then snapped it shut with a glare aimed at us all. "Fine."

My bed was nearly assembled when I'd finished unpacking the few things we'd bought for the kitchen and went back into my bedroom. I sat down the bedding Charlie had given me to the side and started unpacking the box that held my clothes to waste time.

Didn't waste much. I still didn't have a lot to my name, but thanks to Charlie's surprise announcement before I left yesterday, I could remedy that.

"Holy shit," I breathed in awe. The problems I'd pictured when I first decided to come to college in Seattle no longer applied. I didn't have to eat Ramen. I could buy a coat and a few sweaters. Rain boots like Alice's - the cheap version, anyway.

"You look like someone who just found buried treasure," Jacob laughed.

I blinked a few times. "Yeah. I guess I kind of do."

His brows knit with my answer, but he didn't pry into it. Instead, he started looking at the stack of paperwork sitting on my dresser. Admission information, to be exact.

"Did you know that I'm here because of a grant?" I asked lightly.

His head snapped in my direction, but his eyes stayed glued to the financial aid statement. "Oh?"

"Yep. It's not much, but it helps."

"I think the counselor said I qualify for something like that."

"I'm sure you do."

"How would I come up with the rest?" he wondered.

"Ah... Well, there's scholarship money, financial aid..."

He snorted. "Forget it. I don't even know why I'm considering it. I can't leave my dad."

"Jacob," I chewed on my lip for a moment, unsure if I should say what I was thinking. "Okay, don't get mad."

"Mad?" He chuckled. "Why would I get mad?"

I stared at him expectantly.

"I won't get mad," he finally said, grinning widely. "Happy?"

"Marginally," I mumbled before taking a steadying breath. "It's not my place to say anything, but... what the fuck are you doing?"

The smile dropped off his face. "Uh..."

"I think you're amazing for not wanting to leave your father to deal with his disability on his own. Really, I do. But come on! I just... I don't understand why you think you can't do both!"

"Both," he said slowly.

"Go to school. Stay with your dad during weekends and summers. You can do both, Jake. You're not abandoning him by going to college."

"Like my sisters," he said on a scowl.

"They had an opportunity and they took it. I'm not saying they went about it the right way, but it's not necessarily wrong, either. I think if Billy knew how much you wanted to go to school, but simply didn't because of him, he'd be..." I couldn't believe I was getting ready to say this. I was going to sound just like Charlie. "Disappointed."

His eyes darted to mine.

"Do the research, Jake. Apply. See where you stand financially. Then go from there to see if it's even feasible. But don't give up before you've even started."

"What would I even major in?"

"Does it matter? You could get your mechanic certification and stay on the reservation, for all I care. Just do _something_," I begged him.

"I don't know..."

"Take it from someone who felt exactly like you at one point. Before I got this heart, I wasn't expected to live to see today. So what business did I have planning for a future that wasn't a possibility? But the thing I figured out real quick, Jacob, is that the future is always changing. So you have to live without regrets. You'll regret this if you don't do it. Because you don't know what the situation will be in two, three years. And then you'll have wasted all that time doing nothing."

"You make it hard to argue, Swan," he said after a while.

"Thanks, I think."

"You sure about your major?

"What, why?"

"Because you'd make an excellent lawyer," he replied.

I blushed hotly. "Oh, uh, no. I don't want to be a lawyer."

I had something infinitely closer to my heart in mind.

* * *

><p>"What'cha studying?" Alice asked, bounding into my bedroom.<p>

She was far, far too excited to be asking that question.

My eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why?"

"Why can't I carry on a simple conversation?" she returned.

"You never carry on a simple conversation. So tell me what's up."

She sighed, "Fine. Jesus, I can never get anything past you."

"Nope."

She ignored the way I smiled saying that. "There's a party tonight."

"Nope," I repeated.

"Come on," she whined. "They invited you."

"They did not."

"Well, they invited me and said I could bring whoever I wanted. So you're invited by extension," she reasoned, "because I picked you."

"I can't. Have to study."

"Study what?"

"Doing research for an essay."

"You have an essay already?" Alice asked in disbelief.

"My professor's an ass," I explained.

"But, Bella..."

"Go. Have fun, Ali."

"Well, I'm not going without you," she said quickly.

"And why is that?"

"It's um... a frat party," she mumbled, no doubt hoping I didn't catch the last part.

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "No way. Find someone else."

She growled and flopped onto the bed beside me. "I guess we'll stay in again."

"I didn't say you had to stay with me."

"Let me rephrase that: I don't _want _to go without you," she said hotly. "I want you to have the full college experience you came here for. And I want to be able to see it."

She was mad.

Which made me feel awful, because she was right. I'd done nothing but hide in my apartment since we'd gotten here, too afraid that I'd run into Edward and have a repeat crying session on his chest. Or worse, have to start healing all over again because of it.

"When's this party start?"

"Ten," she answered, gazing over at my hopefully.

"Go get ready," I groaned. "I'm sure you want to change and everything."

She squealed and popped up off the bed. "Thank you, thank you!"

"You owe me!" I shouted at her.

"I'll help you find everything you need in the databases later, okay?"

That was sufficient enough repayment for me.

The party was already loud; the music seeped through the walls of the frat house and out onto the lawn when we arrived. People milled around, red, plastic Solo cups in hand, laughing and talking with one another. Anxiety burst inside me when we stepped through the door - a part of me wondered if Edward would be here - but it was ruthlessly shoved down by my more logical self before it could ever fully take root and cause me to spin around and run in the opposite direction.

Edward Cullen would never be trapped inside a house full of people like this. His self-preservation wouldn't allow it.

I wormed my way through the crowd and over to the couch, finding a spot on the armrest while Alice searched out the boy who'd invited her. I gnawed on my lip nervously as I glanced around. I knew no one here, didn't even recognize any of the faces around me. I felt as if I stuck out in my jeans and t-shirt, the Forks High School shirt I'd worn home from Edward's and refused to give back. I grabbed at the hem of the shirt self-consciously. The other girls were dressed in heels, tight fitting shirts that showed their cleavage, short, miniscule dresses...

"You look really uncomfortable," a deep voice said from beside me.

My eyes fell down to the blonde guy smiling at me, a line forming between my brows. "What makes you think that?"

He pointed to where I had the shirt bunched up in my hands. I dropped it immediately and scanned the room for Alice.

"Forks?"

"My um, my dad lives there."

"But that's not your dad's shirt," he said slowly.

"No." And that was all the response he was getting. No way was I talking about Edward with him.

"Are you here with anyone?" he chanced.

"My roommate," I said evasively. "You?"

"I'm a Fiji," he said, beaming proudly.

"Of course you are," I muttered.

"Aw, come on," he laughed. "We're not _all _bad."

"I didn't say you were," I objected.

"No, but your tone suggested it." He smiled at me again, a quick flash of perfect teeth.

"I guess it did."

"I'm Garrett Matthews," he said, holding up a hand. "And you are...?"

"Bella Swan." I stared at his hand, unmoving.

"I don't bite."

Was it wrong that I wanted to stomp my foot and whine?

"Nice to meet you," I finally sighed, putting my hand in his.

He didn't let go.

"Ah, listen," I said, continuing my search for Alice, "if you're trying to get laid, you're focusing on the wrong girl."

He laughed again. "Are you always so defensive?"

"No. Just here," I said with a small grin.

"With me."

"With you," I agreed.

He raised his cup to his lips to take a drink and finally let go of my hand. "I need a refill. Want one?"

"No, thanks. I don't drink."

He froze, half standing. "Really?"

"Really."

"Can I ask why?"

"I'm underage."

He didn't buy it. "No, _really_. Why? I don't see that much around here."

"My God, you're nosey," I complained. It was annoying, yet flattering all at once. I wasn't entirely sure what to do with myself.

Which was exactly why I needed Alice.

"Only with pretty girls," he replied playfully.

I rolled my eyes, but found myself laughing anyway. "I have a heart condition. I can't."

His brows shot up. "Is that so? How bad is it?"

"Uh... Bad enough that I had a transplant," I admitted, and then wanted to slap myself. Why was I telling this boy something so personal? All I wanted was to get the hell out of here, not pick up a date.

His brown eyes widened in shock, and then darted down to my chest before coming back up to meet mine again.

"Huh," was all he said. "How 'bout some water?"

I blinked a few times, stunned that I didn't have to answer the usual barrage of questions. "Uh, right. Um... Yeah, water is good," I stammered.

"Take my seat," he instructed. "I'll be back in a minute."

I scrambled off the armrest, poised to follow him. "I'll come with you."

"You'll lose our spots."

"I'll take my chances if it means I don't get drugged," I shot back, smiling to soften the blow.

"Wow. I should be offended, shouldn't I?"

"Cop's daughter," I said by way of explanation. "Chief of Police, to be exact."

"Cop's daughter. Transplant patient. All around gorgeous girl. Intriguing start, Bella Swan."

I leaned in conspiratorially. "Is this the part where I go all giggly and melt at your feet?"

He chuckled. "It would have been nice, yeah."

"Sorry to disappoint."

He held out his hand again. This time, I didn't hesitate taking it. "Come on. Apparently, I have a bottle of water to open in front of you."

Garrett was great; everything a girl could want in a guy. Smart, levelheaded, funny, good-looking. I wanted to be attracted to him, feel something for him other than emptiness when he smiled at me. But I couldn't shake off the sense of guilt, the heaviness in my heart, with every time I laughed at him.

I felt like I was encouraging him. Leading him on.

And after a couple hours of it, I couldn't take any more. I had to go.

He followed me to the door, offering to take me home.

"No, thanks, though."

"Bella, I-" He searched the dark street for something unknown. "I would feel better if you'd let me take you home."

Which was so not happening.

"It's not far. I'll be fine. Cop's daughter, remember?"

"You don't want to wait for your friend?"

"I don't think she's coming home tonight." Not with the way she was all over the guy - Riley, if I remembered it right - who'd invited her to the party in the first place. "Do you?"

"Probably not." He let out a breath. "So can I get your number before you go? Maybe we could-"

"I don't think so," I said quickly.

"Friend, Bella," he laughed. "Something tells me you're not ready to let Mr. Forks go."

"I may never be able to let him go," I answered honestly.

"So then I'll wait."

"You'll _what_?" I asked incredulously.

"Wait. You know, stand on the sidelines until you get over him? I like you a lot."

"I like you too, Garrett, just not like that," I said softly.

"We'll see." He grinned impishly and handed me my phone. I hadn't even noticed he'd taken it, the thief. "I called myself from your phone. Look to hear from me soon."

"I-"

He turned around and went back inside before I could finish the sentence. What was with people doing that to me all the time?

I stomped off toward my apartment, more than a little annoyed. My phone vibrated in my hand, indicating a text from Garrett already.

I was to let him know when I got home.

And that made me realize something...

This guy wasn't going to be easily shaken.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 20 may or may not be posted next week. I'm not sure yet. I'm moving soon, and things are really hectic. If I get time to write, I'll update. If not, I won't. I'll keep ya posted on Twitter. (at) JT040708<strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**Wow, I'm completely fail on review replies thanks to RL. Sorry. I'll just do a quick "THANKS" to everyone who reviewed that I didn't get a chance to say anything back to. I loved them all.**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work; thanks to stephk0525, claireoth, and twilover76 for prereading my shit. Flove you guys.**

**So... ok, enough talk. Read on ;)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 20<p>

**Edward**

The sound of something whizzing by my ear pulled me out of my trance. I glanced over my shoulder to see what it was, only to have something wet and sticky hit my cheek.

"Christ fuck, was that a spitball?" I snarled. I wiped my face and glared down at the messy white ball in my hand.

Jasper laughed.

"Grow up," I said, slamming my textbook closed and biting back a smile.

"My eyes are crossing. I need to call it a day."

I glanced down at my phone and noted the time. I needed to get off campus before Bella arrived for class; before I saw her and spilled my guts... Before I was ready to be an actual boyfriend to her.

"Yeah, same here," I lied.

I grabbed my shit and rushed out the door without waiting for Jasper. I knew Bella's schedule, having pulled a few strings to secretly get it, and was cutting it close today. If I didn't hurry, I'd-

"Fuck me," I muttered, stopping dead in my tracks.

Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and she had a blue bag slung over her shoulder. She laughed at something Alice said, and then turned around to make a comment to the guy behind her.

"Well, you managed to avoid Bella for the first three weeks of classes, man," Jasper said and slapped my shoulder. I went rigid and glowered over at him, really not in the mood to be touched. "Good job."

I turned my attention back to Bella. She looked incredible, happy even, and seemed to fit right in with the group of people surrounding her. My heart raced when she gazed over at some blonde haired kid, speeding up even more when he brushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes.

I lurched forward, and then was stopped by my brother.

"Easy, Edward. Don't do anything to get arrested."

"She's gone," I mumbled. I wanted to reach up and grab at my aching chest, so I clenched my hands at my side.

"No, she's not. Just look at her body language." Jasper pointed her stance out. "She's distancing herself from this guy."

"But he's..."

"So what? You knew this was a possibility"

"I..." I didn't bother trying to come up with anything more, because what was there to say? This was my worst nightmare playing out before me.

And it was my fault.

"Goddamn it, Jasper. I can't watch this."

"All right," he drawled. "Let's go."

But something happened. The group quickly broke away from one another, leaving Bella to walk with the blonde fucker alone. She started to move toward us, and then tripped over a loose brick in the sidewalk.

It was like time ceased to exist as she fell toward the ground, playing out in slow motion. No way would I have been able to catch her, even if I'd wanted to make my presence known. Which I didn't. It wasn't in the plan. The plan was to let Bella live her life in peace while I tried to sort my shit out. And I still wasn't there. There were things in my past that made me...

Dark, wide brown eyes found mine, and I started to take another step forward, only to stop when the guy standing beside her pulled her up to her feet with a laugh. He checked over her legs for bruises, laughing again when she pushed him away.

Her lips moved, and I could have sworn she said my name.

"Bella!"

The fucker beside her broke the connection. She turned her attention to him, giving me just enough time to make my escape. There was so much to talk about, and even if I had been ready for this, the last thing I wanted to do was discuss things in front of an audience. She deserved better than to be made a spectacle in the middle of the fucking UDub campus.

I retreated with Jasper back to our apartment where I went straight to my room and tried to study some more. But I couldn't stop thinking about Bella and the guy she was with. As much as I wanted to wait, I was beginning to see that any kind of resistance was futile. I needed to see her face again, her smile... Crawl back to her and beg forgiveness for everything I ever did or said, for all the things I will regret for the rest of my life.

I just hoped like fuck that it wasn't too late; that I hadn't burned the bridge that was sitting between us with my obstinacy.

I glanced over at the clock; it'd taken me hours to get my head out of my ass, when it had only felt like mere minutes. Bella was already out of class for the weekend, and I had no idea where she was living. I supposed I could search apartment complexes near campus for her, but that seemed like a fucking waste of time.

So I grabbed my cell phone and dialed a number I never thought I'd use.

"Chief Swan?" I asked as soon as the familiar, gruff voice answered.

"Ah... Edward?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry to bother you but I... I need your help."

"Okay," he said slowly. "What with?"

"I need to know how to find Bella."

Silence. And then a suspicious, "Why?"

I bit down on my cheek. Hard. Because I was unsure of what to say.

"Want the truth?" I finally asked back.

"That would be nice, yes."

"I'm a fucking idiot. An idiot who loves your daughter. I ran into her today but left before I could talk to her because we were in public and it seemed like a shitty thing to stop her like that and tell her."

He grunted, so I continued.

"I want her to know how sorry I am and how much I'm working to... to-"

"I know what you've been doing. And I'm just going to tell you now that you don't deserve her."

I swear to fuck, I shook right there.

"You'll never deserve her."

"Uh... Fuck, yeah, I know. I-"

"Now, that being said, I have a few conditions."

"Conditions?" I asked blankly.

"You want to know how to find her or not?"

"Ah, yes?" I squeaked.

His sharp exhale filtered over the line. "Your driving. It's horrible."

"Err..."

"So you either fix it by enrolling in a defensive driving class or let her drive everywhere. She's not to get in a car with you otherwise. Got it?"

Defensive driving? Son of a bitch.

"Yes, sir."

"Your language. Bella gets you, but I don't. I don't want to hear you speaking to her in any way other than with extreme politeness. Reverent, even."

"Reverent," I repeated, dumbfounded. "Okay..."

"You stay in therapy."

That was easy to agree to. "Of course."

"You're not sneaking into my house again. What you two do up in Seattle is your own business; that doesn't mean I have to know about it, you hear me?"

My hand involuntarily snuck up to the neckline of my shirt. Jesus, it was hot as hell in here. "Sure. But in my defense, I've never done anything you'd disapprove of with your daughter. Under your roof or not."

He was quiet again, just long enough that I was sweating bullets. But fuck me, I'd grovel to the man if he'd just tell me where Bella's apartment was.

"All right," he eventually said. "I believe you."

Christ. I slumped over in relief, but wasn't sure what the appropriate response was. Thank you?

"Bella's not at home," he continued, before I could try it.

"She's not?"

"No. She's got an affinity for baseball, thanks to you and your family. Goes to the field down the street from her apartment a lot."

"Baseball," I murmured to myself with a rough laugh.

Only Bella.

"She goes with a guy. Garrett."

I cursed, knowing exactly who Garrett was.

"Sorry. Sorry," I rushed, berating myself for fucking up already.

He simply laughed. "The guy doesn't stand a chance. He just doesn't know it yet."

I perked up a little at that.

"He thinks that if he gives her enough time, she'll get over you. Then he'll get the girl, so to speak." Quick pause. "And do not, under any circumstances, tell her I know all of this. She'd kill me."

So the chief was doing a little recon on his daughter...

There was some rustling on his end. "Now, let me dig up that address, and you can go do whatever it is you're planning."

I opened my mouth to explain to him that I had _no_ plan in mind. The plan I'd originally had was blown out of the water the moment I saw her face.

"Don't tell me," he said abruptly. "I don't want to know. Because then I'd have a moral obligation to warn Bella in case she would want to... _avoid_ you."

My lips twitched with a smile. "Yes, sir."

"And I don't necessarily want her to avoid you," he continued. "For whatever reason, and I don't think I'll ever understand it, you made her happy. I want that back, Edward."

"The happiness?"

"Yeah," he said thickly, "the happiness. Plus, I might owe you a little something for that stunt you pulled when I had my attack."

"Oh, uh... no, you don't," I responded awkwardly, driving a hand through my hair.

He was quiet long enough that I thought he was going to agree that he didn't owe me anything, and then in turn not give me the address.

Shit, I was sweating again.

"Are you going to argue about this with me or get the address of the ball field?" he asked me.

"Field," I mumbled.

"Then get a pen and piece of paper ready, because I'm about to tell you where to find your girl."

* * *

><p>I pulled into a space toward the back of the parking lot beside the baseball field, making sure that Bella couldn't see me before I was prepared for her to. There was a new, black Camaro shining under the bright lights focused on the diamond. The stupid fucker had carelessly parked next to the dugout, not once considering the potential of fly balls raining down on the pristine hood. I searched the lot for Bella's truck and saw it nowhere, realizing with a sinking feeling that she'd ridden here with the blonde douche.<p>

My grip on the steering wheel grew tighter.

And then I forced myself to let go, to get out and make my way over to her; I wouldn't fix anything by hiding out in the car like this. She was at the plate, the guy from earlier at the pitcher's mound throwing some shitty balls at her. The crack of the bat sounded followed by Bella's laugh. It found my ears and worked its way into my chest and around my heart.

I took a deep breath in an attempt to steel my resolve and shake the way the sound affected me. I wanted to turn around before she saw me, but somehow kept my feet going until I had reached the fence behind them.

From there, I watched.

Sweatpants today. A loose, gray t-shirt. Only I knew what lied beneath, and how her ass looked in jeans and the way her yoga pants stretched across it. She shifted enough so that I could see the logo on her t-shirt, and my fingers tightened around the chain link just as a low moan bubbled out of my chest.

My shirt.

My girl.

I pushed off the fence; the clanking sound caused Bella to glance over just as a ball came hurtling through the air beside her.

"Jesus, Bella!" the guy shouted at her. "I could have knocked you out!"

But she didn't answer, intently focused on me and the way I was suddenly pacing like a madman, not knowing what to say or do or-

"Edward?" I stopped moving and risked a glance at her. I could have sworn my knees buckled a little, my lungs deflated. Because after all this time - all this _work _- I still didn't know if I was good enough for her. If I'd ever be. There were so many cracks in my foundation, and no matter how hard I tried, I was unsure if I could ever fully repair the damage. "What are you doing here?'

"I was told I could find you here," was all I said.

Her brows knit. "So that was really you earlier today, wasn't it? I wasn't hallucinating?"

"Ah, yeah, I was-"

"Bella!" the guy tried. I didn't escape me that he refused to look in my direction as I moved inside the fence and onto the field, steps away from where Bella stood in shock. "Come on, I gotta go. I have an exam to study for and-"

"Go ahead, Garrett. I... I'll get a ride with Edward," she shouted back, her eyes shifting to me questioningly.

I nodded a confirmation.

"I can wait," he answered, prompting me to throw a glare in his direction. He needed to leave.

_Now._

"No, it's fine. I'll make him help me retrieve the balls since he interrupted us." Her mouth made this cute little smirk as she turned her attention to me again. "Sorry. He's kind of... persistent."

Rage. Fuck, I hadn't been this angry since-

"Edward?" she asked worriedly. "What is with you?"

"Garrett," I growled, pulling at my hair. "Fucking hell."

"What about him?" she asked, her eyes darting over to where he was shoving shit into his duffle angrily.

"Jasper wasn't wrong, was he? I'm not too late?" I whispered to myself.

Her eyes searched my face. "Too late for what?"

I shook my head in frustration. "You're not... Him?"

She blinked a few times, probably while she translated that botched attempt at a question.

"Me, with Garrett?" She closed the distance between us, stopping so that she was standing right in front of me. "No."

"You. I-" I stopped and let my eyes drift over to where Garrett stood beside the car waiting for Bella. Still. An emotion flashed through me, and then I was taking a step closer to her, my ribs brushing against her chest with every breath I took.

"No," she repeated emphatically. "Garrett's great. But I'm not into him like that."

I relaxed slightly.

"So what are you too late for?"

I dropped my head and squeezed my eyes closed for a second, hating how horrible I was at this shit. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Everything."

She stared up at me, searching, wanting, a flare of hope in her eyes. After all I'd done to her, she still clung to that hope, still stared at me with acceptance and so much feeling that I broke. Fell to her feet. Because never, in any version of my future, would I amount to anything without her in it.

"Your journal..." Her eyes abruptly filled with tears with those two words.

I panicked.

"They're good tears," she whispered as she read my reaction.

I ground my teeth together so I didn't say something fucking ridiculous. Or groan with the way that made me feel. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." There was a beat of awkward silence. "You read it?"

I nodded, and a mangled, relieved sob came bursting out of her. "You let me see... Why?"

"You needed to know," she sniffled. "All of it. Me. I didn't know how to explain it to you. I never really got to, either."

"I didn't need a grammatically correct letter detailing your entire search, Bella."

She swiped away a tear. "No?"

"God, no. I just... I needed time. I-"

"You what?"

"I love you," I groaned, fighting off the urge to move around while I spoke. "I've known it from the second I opened that journal and was reminded of everything you are. Fell in love with you more with every page I read. And I waited so fucking long to tell you because I wanted to get it right. _Be _right for you. I couldn't tell you before, didn't know if it was possible, but now-"

She didn't let me finish - not that I had any more to say, really. Her arms wrapped around my neck; her lips fused with mine. Jesus fucking Christ, I'd never felt something so sublime. Joy welled up inside me so immense that I couldn't breathe and had to tear myself away from her, panting and smiling - genuinely smiling - for the first time in months.

"Don't you ever walk away from me again, Edward Cullen," she reprimanded, but a grin ghosted across her face. "I won't be able to forgive you if you do."

"You forgive me?"

A small nod against my shoulder, and I was kissing her again. Because never did I expect immediate forgiveness for being such a selfish fuck all this time.

But then again, I hadn't factored in the capacity of Bella's heart.

_Her heart._ My hand stretched up under her shirt to feel at the scar just as I heard the Camaro's engine start up. We never parted from one another, not even at the sound of tires squealing on pavement as Garrett drove away.

"Maggie's," I murmured against her lips, a small sense of satisfaction going through me as I spoke the word aloud to her.

A shudder ran through her as my fingertips danced over the line between her breasts. "Maggie's."

"Start over?"

Hands, fisting at my shirt, pulling me closer.

"So much to talk about," she gasped.

I backed her up to the fence, pushed against her with a low groan. "Later," I managed, my hands working over her body as quickly as they could. Her hips rolled into mine. "Ah... Fuck, later."

Urgency now; a blistering hot, all-consuming fire to be inside her. Shoving clothes out of the way and touching each other in ways I'd never allowed before, because I'd never let myself be open to this. To her, to us, to the possibility that my flaws could be fixed, that wounds could heal. Her hips continued to undulate against me; I hitched her leg up to feel more. My shirt came off over my head, and her eyes landed on the scars that peppered my chest.

"Exit wounds," I said hoarsely. "And then, of course, there's where they cut me open to..."

The way her fingers traced over the raised flesh stole my breath again.

"That was the intended kill shot," I told her, referring to the scar near my heart. "Three millimeters to the left, and he'd have done it."

"We match," she breathed.

Self-loathing suddenly came over as I thought about exactly why I was shot, what I'd done those months before it happened. We didn't match at all. She was so good and I was...

I started to back away, but I couldn't because Bella latched onto me, her eyes wild with fear.

"Please don't," she begged.

_Leave me_, filled the silence that followed.

"I'm not... I... You need to know before..."

"Know what?"

"All the girls," I half moaned, unable to watch her reaction.

She was quiet. And then, "The last one was when?"

"In Chicago."

My eyes were pulled from the ground by the feel over her hands on my cheeks. "Were you safe?"

"Always," I ground out.

"Then what's the problem?"

"I... You... Fuck, Bella, I took advantage of them. I did..."

"What you had to do to survive?" she finished for me.

I didn't answer.

"Take me home?"

Surprise shot through me. "What?"

"Home. To your place. I want..." She trailed off with a flush.

Was she fucking serious with this shit?

"Even though-"

She smiled at me, entertained by my uncertainty. "When will you ever get it."

"Get it?" I repeated slowly.

"I love you. All of you. Each piece of yourself that you give me just makes me want you more, Edward. Just like you say each page of my journal did for you. I don't know why that's such a hard concept for you to grasp."

The car was suddenly too fucking far away. I couldn't tear my hands, my body - my _mouth_ - away from her. I nearly dropped us down to the ground to have my way with her, only able to stay upright with the reminder that this was her first time. It needed to be something more than this, somewhere other than where we could be seen under the lights as someone drove by.

As if she'd read my mind, she broke away, breathing heavily as she said, "It's your first time too. It should be what you want just as much as what you want for me."

"Bella, did you not fucking hear a word I said before?"

"None of them count," she sighed. She ran her fingers through my hair, and I thought I might fall right fucking over with how good it felt. "Because now I get what you were trying to tell me in the car that night in Port Angeles."

She remembered.

I must've said that out loud, because she laughed a little. "I remember everything you've said."

"Oh."

"You haven't experienced sex the way it was meant to be."

"God fucking damn it," I chuckled. "I hate it when you do that."

"Keep telling yourself that, Sparky."

"Sparky?" I questioned flatly.

"Your hair," she replied, that flush creeping up to her cheeks once more. "It sparks a kind of copper color in the light."

"Jesus fuck- Don't call me that in public," I snapped, pulling her closer. The way her body molded to mine reminded me just how hard I was, how much I still burned for her.

And that I was standing in the middle of a fucking baseball field half naked.

"My apartment's probably not as close as yours," I said lowly.

"That's okay. What's a little more time after all of these months?"

I rolled my eyes at the dig.

"Besides, we can stop and get anything we might need on the way."

The meaning wasn't lost on me. "I um, I might uh, already... Fuck, I have some."

She jerked her head back so that she could see me clearly. "What's a guy claiming to not have had sex in years doing with condoms?"

"Emmett," I snarled. "He likes to make sure they're around... Just in case or whatever. He even replaces the expired ones with... new."

She burst into a fit of giggles. "Emmett?" A few more laughs at my expense. "Not surprised."

I huffed, really wanting to get angry with her for laughing at my discomfort.

But I couldn't. The feel of hearing her laugh was nothing in comparison for being the reason she did.

Thanks to Chief Swan, the drive back to my apartment was excruciating. I wanted to race down the streets and skid into my usual space at the apartment complex. Get Bella naked on my bed and watch her writhe as I explored her body, tasted that sweet spot between her legs. Make her come until the sheets smelled like sweat and sex and _her._

I beat my hand against the steering wheel, causing Bella to jump slightly in her seat.

But none of that was happening right now, because I was stuck obeying traffic rules and getting caught at every goddamned light instead. I knew Bella wanted to ask about it, but stayed silent for some reason. Maybe she was struggling as I was.

Fuck, that thought didn't help at all.

The second I put the Volvo in park, I unbuckled Bella's seatbelt and pulled her into my lap. The horn made a broken sound as she settled against me, her hands coming up to frame my face as she leaned down and kissed me.

Hot and desperate, I fumbled for the door handle, eventually finding it and shoving the door open with my elbow as I unlatched the fucker. I tumbled out onto pavement with Bella and used my foot to close the door - praying I didn't make a dent - as I carried her up to the apartment.

Her movements never ceased as I blindly climbed the stairs. Hips rolling, hands grabbing, reaching, tugging, ripping... I managed to get us to the steel door, and abruptly realized that I'd left my fucking keys in the ignition.

I cursed, and then banged on the door, my mouth never leaving Bella's.

Jasper opened it after a few seconds, a sound of surprise escaping him.

"Get out," I growled, shoving him out into the hallway.

"What?"

"Take my car and go."

"Go _where_?" he asked incredulously.

"Keys are in the ignition. I don't care where you go, just don't come back until tomorrow morning."

"B, can you talk some sense into him?" Jasper pleaded. "Where the hell am I supposed to stay while you two...?"

"My place?" she breathed. She reached for the door and grinned at him. "Keys are in my bag in the backseat."

"Neither of you could bother to get your keys?"

She ignored him. "Tell Alice where I am, will ya?"

And then slammed the door shut in his face.

A muffled protest followed, "But I don't know where you live!"

Not my problem.

xx

A shirt in the living room.

Jeans in the hallway.

A giggle as my hands brushed over an apparent ticklish area on her body.

A groan as her bra fell to the floor of my bedroom, her hands coming up to her chest subconsciously.

xx

I grabbed Bella and tugged her hands down, shaking my head at her as I backed her toward the bed. "Don't hide from me. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever fucking seen."

Her eyes found mine, dark and unsure. "Habit."

"A habit I intend to break."

I dipped down to kiss her, my lips skimming over the line of her jaw and over her neck, lowering further and further down until I reached her breasts.

A garbled "Fuck" came out of Bella as my mouth closed over her nipple.

God damn, if that wasn't enough to make me come...

I had to concentrate on going slow, on not just ripping those little, red boyshorts off of her and taking her hard. Fast. Because there would be time for that.

So much fucking time.

And then she was naked in my bed, glistening with sweat, worked up and wriggling around as I reached over her and into the drawer for a condom. Her lips traveled over my chest, down my stomach. Her hands grasped my hips as she continued the torture, stopping just before she-

The foil packet made a crinkling noise in my hand as I made a fist.

"Bella-"

"Can I put it on?" she asked tentatively.

"Shit, uh..." I flopped onto my back, unable to deny her anything at this particular moment.

She took the condom out of my hand and opened it, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth as she studied it. She fucking knew so much about _everything_, but on this she was absolutely clueless.

It made her all the more endearing.

"It goes like this." I turned it around and placed it back into her hands, guiding her movements as we rolled it onto my length together.

She crawled up my body and straddled me, still gnawing on her lip.

"Baby, we don't have to do this," I started to ramble. Fuck, apparently, I was just as nervous as she was. "We can just lay here or whatever. You need to want this like I do, and if you don't, that's..." I swallowed hard. "That's okay. I wasn't lying when I said I wanted it to be fucking right, when I said I wanted to start over. If that means we start at the beginning with nothing but some kisses and other… _shit_ then-"

_Shut the fuck up already._

She answered by taking me in her hand and slowly sinking down on me, not stopping until I was all the way inside her.

The feel of her body wrapped around me helped overpower the instinct to pull away, to not defile her with my filth. But it was there, only kept at bay by my determination to not ruin this one fucking thing for her, like I'd done with practically everything else.

I needed to be so, so _good_ for her now…

She sat still on top of me, adjusting. My fingers dug into her flesh as I waited for her, my eyes roamed her face needing confirmation that she wasn't hurting. Because fuck, if I hurt her in any way-

She rolled her hips tentatively, wincing a little, and I nearly came on the spot, immediately not regretting jacking off or something in the bathroom beforehand. It'd been too long, and Bella on top of me - riding me - was a fucking _gorgeous_ sight.

Her eyes snapped to mine. Wide, open, never breaking contact, she moved, explored. She gained confidence, speed, bringing her hands to my shoulders for leverage as she came down on me, rocked and whimpered.

Close, my hips flexed into her motions, causing my name to spill from her lips.

Jesus, the sound was perfect.

I moaned, grabbed her and pulled her into my thrusts. But it still wasn't enough. I needed to be deeper, closer to her, so I flipped us over and pushed her knees back. Not as far as I wanted, but enough that she felt the difference and gasped.

Whether it was one of pain or not, I couldn't tell. Because still, I needed more.

I drove into her harder with each pass, dropping my head to kiss her as the sounds of us coming together filled the room. She arched into me, raised her hips, and groaned.

So fucking close.

I let one of her legs fall, bringing my hand between us to play with her clit instead. Hearts hammering, breathing labored, the world disappeared. Nothing mattered but what was happening between us as her body tightened, coiled, and neared release.

"I think I'm going to come," she managed in shock. "Is that supposed to happen the first time?"

"Fuck." I gulped down air. "I don't know. I've never taken someone's virginity before."

At least, I didn't think I had.

Guilt ate at me again, and my movements faltered. Bella was giving me, of all people, this. Something she could never get back… Something so important and-

She shifted beneath me, oblivious to what was going on inside my fucking mind, and let out a moan.

I momentarily forgot what I was freaking the fuck out over.

"Let me feel it, baby," I said, breathing heavily. "Let me feel what I do to you."

I needed to feel it to stay sane, to know I wasn't a total, advantageous, piece of shit. That I could give her something back, that I-

"_Yes_. Please," she mumbled. "God- Oh, God-"

She cried out as she came around me, gripping me... owning me. Thrusts erratic, I came with her, a guttural groan leaving my mouth as I did. Because never in my life had I experienced something so intense. The horny teenager I was in Chicago had always liked sex in whatever shape or form it came in. He pushed away any and every feeling associated with it, focused on the orgasm alone. This, though… This was so much more. Almost incomprehensible.

It was Bella. It was everything.

As soon as I could move again, I checked to make sure she was all right; that she didn't have bruises from my grasp or wasn't bleeding onto the sheets, needing a distraction from the way each part of me pitched, from the way I was reeling. Her eyes found mine once more, her soft smile and happy sigh destroying what was left of my guard.

There was a heaviness in my chest now, stealing my breath. I screwed my eyes shut and tried to make sense of it. It crossed my mind that I needed to get off of her and let her wash up... rest. But I didn't move, anchored to the girl, a new melody playing in my head for the first time in years.

I realized that I was babbling. "I didn't fucking know. Couldn't fucking possibly..."

Because now I understood what my parents had, Emmett and Rosalie.

I understood it _all_.

* * *

><p><strong>Not over. Not even a little. Just FYI in case you were wondering.<strong>

**See everyone in two weeks, unless by some miracle I can pack boxes, move furniture, work two jobs during tax season, do a Uranus project w/my daughter, and write all at the same time. Then I'd just take to calling myself Super Woman. Fucking seriously.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks so much for the reviews and well wishes. Moving will be finished by tomorrow. You cannot know how happy this makes me...**

**Thanks to the amazing Stratan for the beta work, and thanks to stephk0525, claireoth, and twilover76 for being the best prereaders ever. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 21<p>

**Bella**

Boneless. Bliss. I stretched and yawned, smiling at the ache in my muscles, the tenderness between my thighs. Edward hadn't been able to keep his hands off of me all night, claiming he needed reassurance that I wasn't going to change my mind and walk out on him, because he deserved it for being such a "fucking piece of shit, pig-headed ass". Which had, after using our hands to discover a little more about each other, resulted in another round of sex before he was finally sated enough to let me sleep.

And sleep I did.

I reached out for Edward, fully expecting him to be doing something creepy like watching me, only to find his side empty, the sheets cold.

I frowned and rolled out of bed, taking a step and wincing with how sore I really was. Not that it was surprising. I had been oblivious to anything outside the feel of Edward's hands, his kisses; the overpowering coiling sensation that I'd only been able to catch glimpses of until now, one that had burst with an intensity I'd never imagined. It amazed me how innately tuned he was to my body, making me squirm and pant with each and every touch.

I shifted on my feet uncomfortably, needing him again. It was funny how it'd only taken me one time to feel this way. I'd always wanted him, but before, it'd been an abstract idea of how sex with Edward would be. Now that I'd experienced it for myself, I craved it. Him.

I inhaled deeply and pushed it away, because there was no way I could take him into me right now without tears. And that would only cause disaster since Edward would take the blame upon himself and would never touch me again. At least, the old Edward would. This new Edward, though...

Yeah, he'd do the same. There were too many years of ingrained hatred of himself to change overnight.

I threw on a shirt and hobbled out into the hallway, making a pit stop in the bathroom before continuing my search for him. I found him at the piano in the corner of the living room, erasing something feverishly, and then replacing it with something else. He dropped the pencil, ran his hand through his hair, and played a few notes. There was a tug in my chest with the sound, one I hadn't felt in such a long time now.

My hand snuck up to rub over my heart as I padded across the room and stopped behind him. I snaked my arms over his shoulders, causing him to flinch a little in surprise, and pressed a kiss to his temple.

"Hi."

He grunted, and I laughed.

"What are you doing?"

"I couldn't sleep. I had to get this out."

I trailed lazy kisses along his jaw, ran my hands down his torso, teasing under the waistband of his shorts. Hearing his groan emboldened me, made me feel brazen even though I didn't have a single clue as to what I was doing.

"Keep that shit up and I might bend you over the piano and fuck you out in the open. Right where Jasper could walk in and see..."

Heat flashed through me, and I stifled a moan. "That sounds so good," I murmured.

"Fuck," he hissed. He reached back and cupped my ass. "You think you'd like that, huh?"

"I don't know. I'd like to try it, though," I answered.

Another grunt, this one accompanied with the feel of him gripping me harder.

"Not to be a tease, but I need to eat. I have to take my meds."

He cursed, spinning around in my arms with wide eyes. "You don't have them here."

I pointed to the bag sitting beside the door, one I recognized as Alice's. "Jasper brought it all up."

"That fucker," he snarled. "I told him to stay out of here for the night."

"Oh, stop it." I rolled my eyes. "It's Alice's. She must've packed it and made him drop it off."

He huffed anyway.

"So food... What can I make you?"

"Bella, I don't want you thinking you have to cook for me," he shot back.

"I don't. You seem a little busy, so I offered."

His eyes shifted to the staff paper sitting on the piano. "I... No, I can stop. It's not going anywhere."

I shook my head. "I'd rather not risk you burning something important because you're preoccupied. Like bacon."

"Fuck you," he retorted, one side of his lips flashing in a smile.

"You already did. Twice."

He laughed, and my stomach fluttered. This Edward was different from the one I'd known before, more laid back, yet intense and familiar at the same time. I grinned with the thought, and gave him a quick kiss before heading into the kitchen to make breakfast.

Or brunch, as it would have it.

After spending longer than necessary trying to find everything I needed in Edward's kitchen, I had a batch of waffles cooking in the press - something I assumed Esme had brought and subsequently left in the hope that they'd make use of it one day - when he came into the kitchen and wrapped his arm around my waist. I leaned into him, humming at how good it felt to be here again, and how he'd managed to take all the pain away with three little words.

"You should have told me how sore you were," he muttered, clearly displeased with himself.

"It's not that bad," I protested.

"You're fucking limping, Bella."

"Good Lord, you're dramatic. I am not."

There was a sharp exhale next to my ear. "Well, you're not walking normally," he countered.

I twisted around so that I could see him. "You expected something different?"

"No, but fuck, I shouldn't have- I just missed you so much and couldn't... I couldn't stop."

"Which is why I didn't _make_ you stop. I missed you too."

"I don't like knowing I've hurt you, though. It's all I've fucking done since we met, why I hadn't..."

"Yes, you have." He recoiled a little with my honesty. "But this is a good kind of hurt. Trust me."

He gave me a wary look for a long moment, and then finally conceded. "I see you're making use of Esme's stupid fucking waffle machine."

"Well, someone needed to."

He snorted. "Will you let me help you now?"

"Depends." I snuggled up against him, feeling a bit clingy with the movement. But I'd just gotten him back. I needed reassurance too, it seemed. "Will you let me know what that was about out there?"

He sighed, relenting.

I might've smiled into his chest.

"There was a time when I could sit at a piano, stare at the keys, and have some kind of melody pop into my head. It was all usually shit, but I wrote it down anyway."

"It's not shit. Everything I've heard you play so far has been beautiful."

"Let me talk. I'm willing for a change; don't jinx it."

I pressed my lips together, fighting off another smile. So different.

"Fuck, where was I? So... okay, I could play pretty well after I'd moved here. Esme arranged for lessons, and I learned everything I'd missed teaching myself in Chicago during them, mostly the technical stuff. After I figured out the theory and could actually write music properly, I did. I guess with all the shit that I was adjusting to I had a lot to get out." He cleared his throat. "And then one day it just stopped."

"Why, do you think?"

"Because... because I stopped fucking feeling, Bella. I shut it all off and went through the motions. Until now."

"You should send Dr. Banner a thank you gift," I teased.

"I should give you one, too. I'd have never started going again if you hadn't come to Forks."

"You already did," I replied. "You gave me _you_."

He blinked. I'd surprised him. "You consider someone like me a gift?"

"Of course I do."

He rolled his eyes and changed the subject. "Let's eat. I'm fucking starved and want to know what my girlfriend made me."

I beamed idiotically. _His girlfriend._

"What?"

I shook my head and snapped out of it. "Nothing. It's nothing."

He pressed his body against me. "You are my girlfriend, aren't you?" he asked roughly.

My breath caught with the way he was looking at me, like he wanted to devour _me_, rather than the food.

"Or do I need to further convince you?"

No more words. Just his hands, roaming over my body, down to the hem of the shirt and under, sliding up, up, up...

And then they were gone.

"Too bad you're sore."

I whimpered. "No fair."

My hand was suddenly underneath his, feeling how hard he was through his shorts. "It's no picnic for me here, either. Sex with you is better than anything I dreamed up. It's..."

He didn't finish, instead turning around and setting the table for me. I could see his shoulders tighten, the stress in his eyes. I wasn't sure what exactly had happened, but I wasn't about to let my happy little bubble burst just yet.

So I took action.

I turned off the waffle press and took a deep, calming breath. I crossed the room, standing directly in front of Edward until he stared down at me, his brows knitting as he tried to figure out what I was doing. I kissed him once, and then started downward. I wanted to kiss every scar that littered his body. While I wished he'd have had a different life, I loved them for the simple fact that they molded him into the man he was today. My Edward wouldn't exist without them.

But I didn't. I had a feeling it was too much, too soon.

I dropped to my knees, tugging his shorts down off his hips. A long, low groan came out of Edward, one of agony, desire, and had me shivering as the sound washed over me.

"Fuck, Bella. Get up. I won't have you on your knees for me," he said bitingly.

Ignoring him, I took him in my hand. He was long and thick, twitching as my hand moved over him. "I might suck at this, no pun intended; I've never done it before."

I had a feeling if he wasn't so worked up, he might've laughed. As it was, the hands intended to grab at my shoulders to drag me up off the floor grabbed at the counter instead, keeping him steady as my tongue swept over him.

He was a little salty, and his skin was soft on my lips. I hadn't seen any pornos in my life, but I got the gist of it from some of the reading I'd done in the hospital. Suck, lick, use your hands to stimulate the part you couldn't fit into your mouth. Teeth, if the guy was into it. There was the cupping of balls, a finger trailing back until-

Yeah, no way was I ready to try something like that. Not to mention, I had a feeling the uptight man whose - Dick? Cock? Penis? What the hell did I call it? - my lips were currently wrapped around would kick my ass if I did.

I stopped thinking so clinically about it and just moved, listening to Edward's reactions with each pass. I could tell when he liked something by the grunt that came from his chest, or by the way his head fell back against the cabinet. And pretty soon I was rewarded with his entire body tensing, a tightening that had my eyes snapping up to his as a feeling of power rushed through me._ I _made him feel this way. My lips, my tongue, my hand.

No one else.

"Baby- Baby, move." Panic flashed in his eyes; his chest heaved. "I'm coming. I'm, fuck- I"

And just like that, the power was sucked right out of me, replaced with self-doubt and anxiety.

I didn't know what I'd done wrong.

I released him from my mouth and stroked him, the hot, sticky liquid coating my hand as he came. I didn't stop until he shuddered and sagged against the counter, and then I carefully took my hand off of him and stood to wash up.

"Why'd you make me stop?" I asked, focusing on my hands. I wasn't sure I could look at him when he answered, face that kind of rejection head on.

"Bella... God," he groaned. I could see him grab a dishtowel to wipe himself off out of my peripheral. "It's not what you're thinking."

"How do you know what I'm thinking?"

"You won't look at me."

I looked at him then, fighting back tears. "Then explain it. Because you talk about sex with me, and then act weird. Then when I'm... you panic. Forgive me for feeling a little stupid right now."

He growled under his breath, his hands running through his hair. "If we're going to do this right, you're going to have to realize that it's always, _always_ me. Not you. You can't keep assuming it's something you did, because I guarantee that won't ever be the case."

"I don't think I understand."

"You're fucking... Shit, Bella, you're fucking amazing. At everything. You're smart, funny, beautiful, you give great head..."

My mouth popped open in shock.

"I freaked out because I didn't want that shit inside you. It was a momentary relapse, or whatever."

It all suddenly came together, his words of tarnishing me, being undeserving, the "shit" he thought he was being a part of his DNA... And what other bodily fluid held so much genetic information about a person?

Oh, boy.

"But last night you didn't freak out."

"Yeah, well, there was a condom keeping it all away from you. So I was able to get past it and just... _feel _you."

"But you thought about it."

"Yeah." He gave me a level look. "I thought about it as soon as you put my dick inside you."

"Oh..."

"It's going to be like this, I'm sure. I can't fucking be... I mean, I'm trying, but I don't know how long... And I'm sorry-"

I cut him off. "Don't be sorry. I know who you are. If I didn't think we could do this, I wouldn't have wished for you every day this summer."

"Bella," he whispered, his face crumpling.

I jerked a shoulder up, unwilling to go back there again. "I'm going to reheat the food."

I started past him, but he reached out and took my hand, bringing it to his chest. "I want you. All the time. It's another thing that scares me."

"But it's only been a day."

He shook his head. "I felt it before, but now that I _know_ what it's like to fuck you, I..."

"Me too," I said quietly, understanding.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "It's the newness, I think, you know? It's not addiction or anything else you're worrying over."

He thought about that. "Maybe."

"If you don't believe me then you should ask Dr. Banner about it."

"I... Would you go with me?"

"To a therapy session?"

"It was something I'd talked with him about before. The two of us having sessions together on top of my individual ones."

"When did you do this?"

"When I realized how much I wanted you back. We don't have to if you don't want to-"

"Hey," I said softly. "I'll do whatever you need me to. Always."

* * *

><p>After a long, hot and much needed shower, I flung my bag up on the bed and checked my cell phone for battery life, frowning when I noticed how many missed calls I had.<p>

I scrolled down the call log and saw that voicemails and texts from Alice and Garrett made up the bulk of what was on the screen. And then there was one from my father at... midnight?

Why would Charlie call me so late?

Edward came into the bedroom, a towel sitting low on his hips, and frowned when he saw me.

"Miss something important?"

"Uh... Not sure. Alice called a lot, but we both know she just wanted details."

He nodded once.

"Garrett a few times," I murmured, not liking the enraged expression on Edward's face when I said his name. "Just tell me."

"Tell you what?" he asked tersely.

"What you're thinking. Why you're so angry."

"I'm not angry, Bella," he lied, walking over to his dresser. "I got the girl."

I stood there for a moment, watching Edward get dressed before practically shouting, "You're _jealous_ of him?"

"No," he said calmly. Too calmly. "I can't be jealous of a guy who didn't stand a fucking chance with you."

"Then..."

"What I don't like is that he lingered at the ball field last night. It makes me wonder how much he lingered before, and how long he'll linger after."

"Edward, come on. You're being... ridiculous. Who cares if he likes me? I don't like him."

"That makes two of us."

"You're not going to do something like make me stop hanging out with him, are you?" I asked hotly.

Water splashed the wall behind him as he dragged his hand through his wet hair. "Fuck. No, of course not. But I'm watching him. I don't trust him not to talk shit about me just to try to win you over."

"You're being unreasonable."

"I'm being cautious," he returned. "I just got you back. I'm not doing anything to fuck it up."

Damn it, that answer really snuffed out my anger. "I still need to call him. He's my friend, and I owe him an explanation."

I could see his jaw work as he stared back at me, deliberating his response. "By all means. Explain. Not that you need my permission."

No, but I wanted his approval. Because like him, I knew how delicate our relationship still was and didn't want to destroy it before it even began.

Not over someone like Garrett Matthews.

"Stop being such an asshole and spoiling my good mood," I joked.

He laughed once, a bitter, hollow sound, making my stomach drop. He was still pissed. "Make your call, Bella. I'll be in the living room."

I didn't move until he was out of the room, and then with a heavy sigh, stupidly called Garrett back.

"Hey," he answered.

"Hi."

"So... I guess that was Mr. Forks, huh?"

"Edward, yeah."

"What kind of fucking name is Edward?" he snorted.

"What kind of nickname is Mr. Forks?"

He laughed.

"I'm sorry," I told him, squeezing my eyes shut. "I really am."

"Nah, don't be. You warned me."

"I did. And you ignored it every time."

"It's that stupidity chip you told me about. The one that you claim made me join a fraternity? It also makes me susceptible to unrequited crushes."

"Those are some big words there, frat boy."

"Hey, I go to class. Most of the time."

I giggled.

"Can we still hang out?"

"Uh..."

He took my hesitation as something else. "It's fine. I get it."

"No, I don't think you do. I'd love to hang out with you. But I don't know how much time I'll have."

"Why?"

"Things are complicated with Edward. We have a lot to work through together, and then he has a few things... It's really a long story."

"I've got time."

"Except the story's not all mine to tell."

He was silent for a few seconds. "Oh."

"Listen, meet me after I get out of psych Monday, okay? Edward will be busy with some kind of lab rotation, and I'll have two hours to kill. We can study, talk, eat... whatever you want."

"A lab?"

"Yeah. He's in med school. I don't really get how it works yet. He said the phrase 'cadaver dissection' and I tuned out the rest. That's just... gross."

"Son of a…" he muttered. "I didn't have a shot in hell, did I?"

Not really, but I didn't see the use of saying it out loud.

He sighed. "I'll be there."

I nearly clapped with glee. Because I was just selfish enough to want to keep one of the few friends I had in my life... and have Edward too. "Okay. Bye."

I threw my phone down on the bed, more interested in finding Edward and making sure he was okay than answering the rest of my calls. He was in the living room, flipping through the TV channels absently; his eyes flickering to me and back at the TV as I neared him.

I laid beside him, putting my head in his lap and stared up at him until he huffed a little, sat down the remote, and dropped his gaze to mine.

"I'm sorry. Don't be mad," I whispered.

He sighed heavily. "I'm not mad."

"Don't lie to me, Edward."

He groaned. "Fuck, Bella, I just... I'm mad at myself for creating this goddamned mess."

I chewed on my lip and watched him fidget above me, waiting for him to get his thoughts straight.

"If I..." Another huff, and then he tried again. "I spent so long focusing on myself this summer and how pissed off I was that there was this girl, a sister who didn't have to go through the shit I did. And when I finally stopped hating everyone and realized how much you meant to me, all I could think of was that I needed to make myself worthy of you. Because who I was before... He wasn't_ worth_ this."

"Yes, he was," I protested emphatically. "You _are_."

He shrugged that off. "If I had just gone and talked to you from the beginning, this guy wouldn't have been vying for my fucking place."

"He might have been anyway. And then where would we be? You might be sitting in jail with that temper of yours."

He scoffed, "I wouldn't have..." He caught my look and shook his head. "Okay, maybe I would."

"You're different now. You're... you're you, but calmer, more rational. You've let me touch you in every way I've wanted to without protest or telling me how shitty you are for me... So maybe it was supposed to be this way. You were supposed to figure it out on your own so we could start fresh. Grow from here. Where we were before wasn't-"

"Healthy, I know," he interrupted. "I told Dr. Banner that too."

"See? You wouldn't have admitted it before. You'd have yelled and screamed at me to get as far away from you as I could, and then gone back to bottling everything up and letting it eat you alive."

"_Fuck_," he breathed. "Yeah."

Silence.

"Can I tell you something?" I whispered.

"Anything."

"I love who you are now. Maybe more than I loved you before; I don't know. You're everything I fell in love with and everything I hoped you'd be. I know you have so much work ahead of you, but I just..." My eyes suddenly filled with tears.

"Baby," he moaned. "Don't fucking cry. You know I can't stand that shit."

"I can't help it. I'm happy. I kept trying to get over you, because I didn't think you'd ever be able to look at me the same way. But no matter what I did, there was always this part of me that couldn't let you go. I was miserable."

He dragged me up his body, setting me down so that we were eye to eye, a fierce look on his face. "Never, for one fucking minute, think that I was okay without you."

More tears, because I hadn't known how much I needed to hear that until now.

He kissed me then, shocking my system and making my heart feel as though it were exploding in my chest. I gasped against his lips, never expecting it because of the denervation. And yet, here it was, pounding in my chest.

"Feel," I murmured, bringing his hand to cover my heart.

"It's fucking..." He swallowed. "Jesus, Bella, do you feel all right?"

"Fine," I said on a giggle. "I feel totally fine."

"I think we should call Carlisle anyway."

"Yes, and tell him why it's beating like this while we're at it. That his son does wicked things to my body."

"Uh..." His eyes shifted away from me for a split second. "No, I think I'll just keep you to my fucking self, thanks."

"You have to tell them sometime."

"Just not now. Let's... fuck, let's get ourselves sorted out first, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure where I want to go from here," he replied. "With the whole Maggie thing. I want to know why she was... But I don't think I'm ready. I mean, I-"

"Shh," I soothed, seeing his distress. He was trying so hard. "You'll get there."

"You have so much faith in me," he muttered. "I don't think I'll ever understand it."

I didn't really understand it much either, but I just knew that Edward had potential to be something amazing.

Or maybe I was just biased.

I ended up falling asleep beside him while he did a little studying. When I finally woke up, it was dark outside, and I jerked up, instantly feeling guilty for keeping Alice - and Jasper - waiting for so long.

"Shit, I need to go home," I muttered, wiping at my face.

"No."

I rolled my eyes. "I can't stay here forever. I have my own place, you know."

He let his gaze drift over to me. "No," he repeated. "I'm not ready for you to leave."

"But Jasper-"

"Fuck Jasper."

I sighed and got up anyway. "Then I'll just tell Alice where you live and have her pick me up."

He glared at me.

"Or you could just come home with me. We can hide out in my bedroom."

"You still have the same bed?" he asked, an odd look on his face.

"Yeah. Why?"

He didn't answer, getting up to his feet and making quick work of finding his keys.

"Don't you need to pack a couple of things?" I asked, smiling at his sudden enthusiasm.

"Like what?"

"Change of clothes, toothbrush..."

"Oh. Fuck, yeah. You probably don't have that kind of shit."

"No. I have an old Forks High School t-shirt, and it's currently sitting in your laundry hamper. I want it back, by the way."

"What the fuck for? You've got another shirt of mine on now."

"The other has sentimental value."

"Bella, I love you, but I'm not doing this pansy ass, sappy shit. I like my dick a little too much for that."

I laughed. Loudly.

"And judging from the sounds you made last night, you do too."

"I might. I could use a little more... experimentation to know for sure, though."

His brows shot up. Hell, mine probably did too; I didn't usually say things like that.

"Not now," I hurried. "Later. When I'm not um... limping, like you claim I am."

He smirked with that, dark and full of promise before disappearing down the hall to get a few things together.

And then I was left wondering how the hell I was going to keep my hands off him while I... _recuperated._

The ride to my apartment was surprisingly slow. For the second time in a span of twenty-four hours, I didn't grab a hold of the handle just above the door, lose my breath when Edward braked too hard and the seatbelt locked up, or close my eyes and try to find a happy place when he took a turn too sharp.

It was weird. Nice, but weird.

"Okay, I have to ask: what is with the driving?"

"Is this your street?" he replied.

"Uh... Yes." He took the turn at grandfather-like speed. "What the hell? Edward, I know you've changed, but I don't think you've changed so much that even your driving is different."

"Which apartment?"

"Stop avoiding the question," I snapped.

His jaw worked as he searched for a parking spot, and then he abruptly whipped right into one, throwing me against the door.

"Better?" he asked flatly.

"Well, it's familiar," I conceded. "You're not going to tell me, are you?"

"Does it matter?" he asked, giving me a wary look out of the corner of his eye.

"Not if it makes you uncomfortable, I guess."

"Good."

He was out the door before I could say any more, waiting on the sidewalk with our bags in his hands.

"Okay," I mumbled slowly and exited the car.

I led him to my apartment and dug for my keys as we walked up the steps. I was suddenly self-conscious about it. It was nicer than my house in Forks, but it still couldn't compare to the complex Edward and Jasper lived in. And I just so desperately wanted everything to stay perfect. I knew, rationally, that my apartment wasn't going to change anything between us. But things hung so... precariously in the balance. I was terrified that one small, insignificant detail would tip the scale and cause us to shatter.

With that, I abruptly realized that I was thinking of Edward as a flight risk, already bracing myself for the pain that followed.

Maybe seeing Dr. Banner would be a good thing. For _both _of us now.

There was some muffled shouting, probably from the TV being turned up too loud, as I slid the key into the lock. I opened the door, and the shouting grew louder, the voices familiar.

Jasper's gray eyes darted over to us, his expression smoothing out with relief. "Thank fucking Christ," he yelled. "If I had to spend one more second with her _bitching_-"

"Oh, screw you, Jasper Cullen," Alice sneered from the other side of the room. "And get the hell out of my house."

I blinked.

More arguing. Something about a kiss. Things I couldn't understand since the decibel level had risen dramatically in the last few seconds.

Edward brought his fingers to his mouth, whistling in order to gain their attention. "What the fuck are you two shouting about?" he asked, glowering at both of them.

They started talking at once.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he growled. "If you're not going to talk so I can understand you then don't bother trying. I don't care that much."

"What kiss?" I demanded from Jasper, finally getting my wits about me. "You kissed her?"

"Let's get one thing straight," he growled. "_She_ kissed _me_. And then proceeded to act like a fucking psychopath because I didn't strip her naked and fuck her right then and there."

Oh, God...

"You act like you're God's gift to women," Alice screeched. "Like I should fall at your feet, grateful for your chivalry, when all you really are is an asshole!"

"Do I _look_ like I'm God's gift to women," he retorted, his hands roaming over his body wildly.

"You look like... You look like..." Alice snapped her mouth shut and stomped her foot.

Jasper seemed... stricken. Hurt.

"That's it. I'm calling a cab." He stomped past us and flung open the door, slamming it shut as he went into the hall.

The door opened again, and Jasper reemerged, bending down to kiss my cheek. "I'm glad to see you're back, B."

Then he left for good.

Edward rocked on his feet awkwardly, biting down on the inside of his cheek as he glanced between me and the door.

"Go," I murmured. "Make sure he's okay."

"I'll be back after he leaves."

I nodded and went to sit next to Alice, feeling horrible when she wiped the tears from her cheeks and refused to look at me.

"Al..."

"Don't say it. I know," she sniffled.

"Then why...?"

She shrugged. "I got rejected. That's never happened to me before and I... I didn't know how to react."

"Oh, Alice, he didn't reject you because he's not interested."

She glanced over at me now. "No?"

"No." I reached up and played with her hair. "He's got a lot of body issues."

"But I don't care about all of that," she said quietly. "And even if I did, he's still really hot."

"He doesn't know that, though," I answered. "And I don't know if he ever will be comfortable with himself. I mean, this is the first time I've seen him in short sleeves."

"Really?"

"Yep. And he's what? Twenty-six?"

She was quiet as she thought about that.

"If you want him, you're going to have to back off and not come on so strong. He's not like everyone else."

"Why should I bother."

"Because I think he likes you. A lot, actually. I've never seen him like that before. He's usually very laid back."

A little sob came out of her as she leaned against me.

And then she sighed, "Good, because I really like him too."

I grinned to myself. "I told you, you would."

"Shut up," she grumbled.

"I did."

I'd known all along they'd be a good match for each other.

Now I just had to get them to realize it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks for all the reviews and adds this last week. I didn't get a chance to reply to everyone yet, but I'm still working on it. Things are, as per their usual, hectic.**

**Thanks to the amazing Stratan for beta'ing, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for the prereading. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 22<p>

**Edward**

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, staring up at the ceiling of Bella's bedroom in confusion. It was light outside now; the sun peeked in through the curtains and splashed shadows along the walls. Bella was curled up firmly against me, her head resting on my chest, hand splayed out over my heart.

_Holy fucking shit._

I'd actually done it this time.

I'd fallen asleep.

A smile broke out over my face as I rolled over, snatching Bella up and holding her against me. She moaned a little in protest, her brows knitting as I distributed my weight over her. Fuck, I felt like such a girl, but I needed her to know about it.

Immediately.

"What are you doing?" she asked groggily, squinting as I came into focus.

I smiled wider.

She giggled and reached up to trail her fingers over my jaw, cradling my body with hers. Everything fucking tingled when she touched me, and I knew right at that moment how much I enjoyed lying here with her like this.

Like a couple.

I never thought I'd be one for snuggling since I couldn't stand people getting within a ten foot radius of me until now, but with Bella... everything felt off if I didn't get the chance to touch her. All of that clichéd crap people proclaimed when they were in love made sense now. Life was useless without the one thing that made your heart thunder in your chest, made you smile so hard you thought your face would split in two. Worthless without the one person who was so in tune with you, they could anticipate your needs, understand you without a single word being said.

I got it. Every last sappy bit of it.

I wondered how the hell I managed to think I didn't want it all this time. And how much longer I would need to take that final step so that I could be with her in every way without anxiety mucking it up. No matter how much I wanted to take this mushy fucking moment and use it to my advantage, I knew it would just leave us both aching and pissed off for the rest of the day. There was no way I could touch Bella in all the ways my devious mind was conjuring up right now. She needed time to heal, and I... I needed a few days to get my shit together again. I wanted it all to be... exactly like my fantasies. With nothing - not fear, guilt, nor anything else from my past - hindering it. I had a feeling that if I acted on half of what was circling through my brain, I'd only end up going backward instead of forward. I needed to pace myself, no matter how much my dick objected.

But damn, I needed her. So much, it almost made me want to take Dr. Banner up on his suggestion to fill a prescription for some random anxiety pill he thought would help. Then again, the use of any kind of medication felt like a crutch. Like I wasn't actually getting to the root of the problem, just using it as a Band-Aid so that Bella could have the relationship I thought she deserved. And that defeated the purpose of all the work I'd been pouring into myself lately.

I was stubborn as hell, yes. But it'd been working for me so far.

And I wasn't about to rock the boat so that it tipped right the fuck over and I drowned.

"I slept," I told her, holding back that stupid fucking grin while I waited for her to process that.

Her eyes danced over my face for confirmation, and then a smile burst across her face too, just like it had mine when I'd first realized it.

"Seriously? Edward, I... You didn't wake up at all?"

"Not until just now. I don't expect it to last, but to know it's possible... Goddamn it, baby, I..."

Since I couldn't fuck her into oblivion in thanks, I suddenly thought of something else. I shot up out of the bed and started across the room, intent on grabbing her journal and all the shit that she'd given me with it. Because now - with all this possibility staring me in the face again - seemed like a good time to discuss the future.

I turned around to see her sitting up, her hair wild on top of her head. There was black smudged underneath her eyes, and she had an angry, red spot on her cheek from where she'd lied on my chest for so long. But she was just as beautiful to me like that as she was dressed up with her hair smoothed out and her make up done to perfection.

I was in so fucking deep with her. And this time, the knowledge of it didn't scare the ever-loving piss out of me.

"I thought you might want this back."

Her mouth made that little round 'o' of surprise, and my dick sprang to life once more.

I ignored it.

"And that maybe we could have that talk now," I said, chewing on the inside of my mouth nervously.

"Will I like this talk?"

I shrugged, but my voice belied my nonchalance and came out harder than I'd intended. "It's not going to go like the last 'talk' we had. I meant what I said, Bella."

"I know," she said quietly. Her eyes darted down to the purple comforter, abashed with my words.

"Fuck," I muttered. I was still such a dumbass sometimes.

I went to sit beside her, handing her the journal but keeping the file on Maggie and the scrapbook Bella had made on my lap.

"You need to take this. There's so much of..." I searched for a way to phrase what I was thinking. "Your entire fucking essence is on these pages. Everything that makes you who you are has been written somewhere in here. And it feels wrong for me to keep it since there's still some room left to add more to it. I don't know if you want to or anything, but the option's there."

She shook her head vehemently. "Not in here, no. We're starting over, right?"

I blinked. "Yes?"

"Then I think I should start a new journal too. The things that I went through in there... Everything I thought about... None of it applies now. I don't want all that sadness and confusion I was going through weighing down all the good that came out of it. And besides... It sounds strange, but I think so much of that was written for you to see. Not for my benefit."

I kept quiet for a moment. And then, "Can I keep the rest?"

"You want to...?" Her eyes moved around the room before coming to rest on mine again. "But you said you weren't ready to figure it all out."

"I'm not. I've not really let myself look at this shit yet. I've searched through it for some of the bigger pieces of information, but I never could just... let go."

"Why?"

"I'm... I'm fucking scared," I admitted.

She didn't say anything, and for that I was grateful. Because it gave me some time to regroup before telling her what I'd only ever told Rosalie.

"I think this thing with Maggie and my biological parents is going to unlock a whole lot of unwanted shit for me. I think it's going to be hard as fuck, and I think it's going to, eventually, pay off. I don't know how I know, but-"

"I get it," she said softly. "I really do."

Of course she did. No one else could ever understand what I was feeling like Bella. Not simply because she always fucking understood me; she'd followed her instincts to Forks and found me. She'd experienced this... pull, this terrifying drive to search for something unknown.

And even with all the shit I put her through, I knew she thought the payout was worth it._ I _was worth it, though I still didn't quite see how anyone could be as forgiving as she.

"This girl..." I continued. "She's fucking family. Not the piece of shit trash family I had back in Chicago, but like my family in Forks. She's going to work her way into my heart, and there's not going to be a damn thing I can do about it. I'm going to hate every second of it because I'll never fucking know her like I should. I'll never get to do any of the shit with her that I've taken advantage of with my own family."

She sniffled, catching me by surprise. "You care about her, don't you? Already?"

I swallowed hard as her eyes brimmed with tears. Time to man the fuck up and stop avoiding it all. "Yeah. And Bella, I've been waiting for you to... to help me with some of it, because I don't think I can do it on my own."

"You have something in mind," she deduced.

Deep breaths. I could have sworn my heart was going to vault right out of my chest. Because how the fuck could I consider something like this when I'd buried everything that happened to me there so deeply that I was still struggling with it all these years later?

"I'm going back to Chicago."

Big, brown eyes stared back at me in shock. But her answer was something I'd never expected. "No. No _fucking_ way."

"Excuse me?"

"There's no way I'm letting you go back there. Not when you..." Her chin trembled. "No, Edward. There's nothing back in Chicago for you."

"Elizabeth's there."

She gasped. "You want to... Are you nuts?"

"Maybe," I said dryly. "But I don't know of any other way to get all of the answers. Elizabeth's the quickest fucking route."

"Let Charlie dig around for you," she pleaded. "I was going to have him find out why Maggie was adopted so much earlier than you anyway, but I never got the chance."

"You were?"

She nodded. "I wanted to give you all the information I could when... Please. Don't put yourself through all of this."

I scooped her up and sat her in my lap, brushing her hair over her shoulders. It was funny how I was the strong one in this relationship all of a sudden. And while I was scared out of my mind - scared of what seeing Elizabeth would do to me, scared of the answers, scared of Aro and losing all this progress I had made so far - I _knew_ that I was supposed to do this. That I needed to make peace with all those demons that had come out to torture me when I first met Bella.

"Baby," I groaned, leaning down to press a kiss to her lips. "I'm not going now. Okay? So stop fucking freaking out on me. That's my role in this relationship. Not yours."

She laughed a little with that and buried her face into my neck. "God, I don't want you to do this."

"I know."

"But I'll go with you. Whenever you're ready, I'll go, because I told you I'd do whatever you needed of me, and I meant it."

Panic.

I held it off, stiffening just slightly with the thought of Bella in that place, of Aro getting a hold of her and-

I hadn't meant for her to come. She didn't belong there. She wasn't safe there - no one was. But as I thought about it more, I knew I couldn't go back without her by my side. She was... This girl was my fucking rock. She knew exactly what I needed when I needed it, and I had a feeling I'd lose the parts of myself recently found if I attempted this without her.

So I reminded myself that my fears were unfounded. The operation had likely changed in the last ten years, making all the information I had useless.

Not to mention the most important factor of them all.

Edward Masen no longer existed.

* * *

><p><em>Click.<em>

_Click._

Bella let out a frustrated sigh.

_Click._

Another.

"Fucking Christ, Bella," I laughed, "I'm trying to study for a histology exam over here. Would you shut up already?"

The guilty expression she had nearly killed me. "Sorry. The jobs around here suck, though."

"You're looking for a job?"

"Yeah. My last paycheck from Newton's was a month ago. I have some money now, but I have to make it last. A job's my only option."

She had to be the most responsible fucking nineteen-year-old I'd ever met.

And then what she said sank in.

"You worked at Newton's?" I snapped. "What the fuck, Bella? Why?"

"Because I couldn't work for Emmett anymore," she said, her cheeks heating with the comment.

Now _I _felt guilty. Because I was the reason she had to work with that little prick and his family.

"You don't need another job," I told her.

"I need an income, Edward."

"No, you don't."

Jasper murmured something unintelligible. Probably along the lines of "shut the hell up already" but I was too busy sticking my foot in my mouth to listen.

"Edward Cullen, so help me if you're thinking what I think you're thinking..." Bella trailed off with a menacing glare.

Fuck, it was hot.

Too bad we were in the library or else I'd-

Actually, that idea wasn't so bad, given Bella's reaction to fucking her on the piano the other day.

So, of course, I started thinking of the logistics before I could stop myself. I mean, the idea of Bella up against the wall, my body covering hers while I drove into her, knowing someone could walk up at any given moment while I watched her try to keep her moans under control...

I caught Jasper's smug smirk, and I nearly flipped the fucker off.

But at least he'd gotten me back on track.

"I'm not," I finally answered.

She shot me a disbelieving look, and I huffed.

"Okay, fine," I relented, "I was, but it wasn't meant like you're taking it. I have money. You're with me now. And your fucking class load is nuts. You don't need to stress yourself out any more... It's not good on your heart."

I was reaching with that last line. She was healthier than half these freshman girls running around here since she took such good care of herself.

Well, with the exception of those few first weeks after she'd told me about Maggie. Which made me feel like shit.

_Fuck._

"Yeah, that's never going to happen."

"Bella..." I groaned. "I just want you to be okay."

She glanced over at me, her eyes softening slightly. "I am okay. Just not with you paying for everything."

Goddamn it.

I slammed my book shut and grabbed her laptop out of her hands before she could even think about protesting.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping you job hunt."

"Really?"

_Apparently._

"Why?"

Jesus, did she really have no idea that I'd do anything to make her happy?

"Will it make you feel better if you have a job?" I returned.

She gave me a funny look. "Well... yeah."

"Then there's your answer."

She shifted in the chair next to me so that she was leaning over the armrest and up against me while I checked various websites for her.

Eventually finding nothing other than some kind of shitty drive-thru position at Burger King, I veered to the university's website. Bella sat up a little, curiosity getting the best of her.

A few clicks later, and I was on the School of Social Work's website.

"What if you worked on campus?" I asked her.

"How did you...?" Her eyes darted between me and the computer screen.

"I might've pulled some strings and gotten your schedule," I said flippantly. "Creepy fuck that I am."

She laughed, and a smile tugged at my own lips.

"I was trying to avoid you until I was ready..." I cleared my throat awkwardly because if I hadn't been pushed by Garrett's presence in Bella's life, I may never have admitted to being ready. I knew it. She knew it. Jasper knew it... I had a lot to thank that asshole for.

Not that I'd ever verbally admit it or anything.

"Anyway, why hide your major from me? I've spent every day studying with you this week, and you've not mentioned it once."

"I didn't know how you'd react. It's something you've been directly exposed to, and after everything you said about going back to Chicago, I didn't want to... God, I don't know what I was thinking, to be honest. You're not the same guy you were before."

"I'm sorry for... Fuck, I was such dick about... _everything._ But I... Do you realize how much more this makes me love you?"

Wide, hopeful eyes stared back at me. "Really?"

"Yes," I replied emphatically. "The second I saw it, I knew why you'd chosen it. And that there was still hope for us. So I worked even harder to get my shit together, because you give without any fucking ulterior motive at all, Bella, and I want you to give everything you are to _me_, not because I'm this fucked up guy you happen to be in love with, but because I can give you something back."

"Nice speech," Jasper murmured, his eyes never moving from his laptop.

This time, I did flip him off. I worked damn hard making it so I could talk about what I was thinking without shutting down or stuttering like some moron.

So he could kiss my ass.

"I want to... I don't know. I'm not stupid. I know I'm not going to be able to save every kid from going through what you did. But if I can keep just one from it, that'll be enough for me."

And I knew she would. She'd changed me, and I was a well-established, self-absorbed and self-loathing prick; she could mold some unsuspecting kid into any kind of decent human being that she wanted.

And somehow, I was the one who'd gotten her.

Bella filled out an online application, and then we all packed our shit up and left for class. We made it no more than five steps out the building when we were spotted by Alice... and Garrett.

"Son of a bitch," Jasper muttered, looking like he was ready to run.

"Be nice," Bella hissed.

His eyes snapped to hers, full of shock. "You're kidding me with this shit, B."

"Nope. Sorry, Jas. I'm not."

He dragged his hand through his hair angrily.

"Just give her a chance. She feels awful about the way things happened."

"As she should," he retorted.

She looked to me for help, but I just held my hands up and took a step back. No fucking way did I have anything worth interjecting into this conversation. I was just starting to get my own shit straightened out.

"Look, you are going to have to be a little bit more forgiving, buddy."

"What?" he asked incredulously. "Me, forgiving? What about her?"

"I already talked to her."

His gray eyes glimmered curiously. Oh, he was fucked and didn't even know it. "You did?"

"I know you come with a lot of... baggage, but Alice didn't. She doesn't see you like you see yourself. She wanted to jump you because she thought you were hot. She likes you, you dumbass, and just wanted to be with you."

He said something that was too low for me to catch.

Bella heard it, though. "You're scared of being rejected for what you look like under your clothes. But you did the exact same thing to her out of self-preservation and were a total ass about it. It's no wonder she lashed out at you."

A few beats of silence passed as he thought that over.

Then he blanched.

"Ah, hell," he groaned.

"'Ah, hell' is right," Bella shot back.

"She should have just told me she liked me instead of making me feel like I was some quick fuck."

"Would you have listened?"

He kicked at something on the ground, and I had to bite back a laugh. It was karma. Motherfucking karma. He'd spent months doing the exact same thing to me that Bella was to him now.

And look where it'd gotten him. Wrapped up with some tiny girl who had enough attitude to pull Jasper out of his shell a little.

"No."

"So go fix it, Jasper. She's my best friend, which means you two are going to be spending a lot of time together from now on. What you two do with that time is your own business; just make it so it's not awkward when we do group things, okay?"

His eyes darted over to Alice again, who had yet to make it over to where we stood. It was strangely cute watching the apparent loudmouth act bashful. Because I had a feeling Alice Brandon had no problems getting a guy into bed with her.

Yet there she was. Stalling.

"Jasper, I don't have a way with words like you do, but stop being the dumbass Bella just said you were and go fucking talk to her. She makes you... I don't know what the hell it is. But I've never seen you yell at anyone the way you did the other night."

Bella exchanged a glance with me, and I arched my brow at the scheming look in her eyes.

"You know what; he's right. So you should explore the um... ," she faltered for a second before recovering, "the passion there. It could lead to some pretty hot sex. Alice _is_ very bendy after all."

"What?"

"Mm-hmm," she answered. She bit down on her bottom lip to keep from giggling at Jasper's awestruck expression. "She got into yoga a couple years ago. Bendy, bendy, bendy..."

I simply stood motionless and waited for him to stop picturing a naked Alice contorted into thousands of different positions.

After a while, I cleared my throat to keep things from getting weird.

"Fine," he snarled. "I hate you two."

I snorted. The seed had been planted; there was no way he hated us. "Right."

He turned on his heel, grumbling the entire way, and walked over to Alice. The second he was out of earshot, I grabbed Bella and dragged her into my arms.

"How many goddamned psych classes are you in? That was fucking genius."

"Just the one," she said on a grin. Her hands came up and rested on my chest. "But it doesn't hurt to know that boys always think about sex and use it to my advantage. Then there's the fact that I want them to be together. I want them to be happy. I think they would be if they'd stop being such idiots."

"Well," I murmured, pulling her even tighter against me so I could run my hands over her ass, bring her hips to mine so she would know exactly how much I liked it, "feel free to use sex to your advantage with me any fucking time."

"You uh..." Her eyes took on a glazed quality, and yeah, my ego swelled a little with it. "You liked that?"

"It was hot as fuck, baby," I replied. "You being able to bend him to your will like that? So-"

A throat cleared behind Bella. I held her firmly against me and flicked my eyes to Garrett once - a warning, if you will - before regretfully letting her go.

"Hi, Garrett," she said awkwardly. "You remember Edward?"

"Garrett," I said tightly.

"Edward," he grunted.

Bella rolled her eyes.

As much as I wanted to stake my claim on her in front of the fucker, I didn't. I backed away with a sigh, knowing after that little scene with Jasper she was perfectly capable of holding her own.

Plus, I trusted Bella. Completely. She was the only person outside my family I'd ever felt I could.

"I have class. I'll see you later," I said lowly.

She grabbed my arm to keep me from walking away. She shot a glance over to where Alice and Jasper were in some sort of heated exchange. Apparently, whatever it was going on with them wasn't going to be fixed overnight.

"I wasn't too hard on him, was I?"

"Nah. Jazz isn't like me. He can take it."

She looked relieved. Then shy. "Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you."

I smirked and didn't bother trying to see the look on Garrett's face. The poor bastard never stood a chance. "Love you," I repeated.

I might've had a fucking skip in my step as I walked across campus after that.

* * *

><p>"Bella," Dr. Banner greeted pleasantly. "It's so good to finally meet you. I've heard quite a bit about you in the last few months."<p>

Bella slid a look over at me, pretending to be completely in the dark. "Is that so?"

"Bella, stop fucking with the man," I snapped, immediately regretting how harsh that had come out. I was just wound so fucking tight today. I didn't know what we'd discuss... what Bella's reactions would be to anything mentioned in these sessions. This was... Fuck, I'd never expected to have anyone else here, and was quickly realizing that I'd considered this place a safe haven. As much as I trusted Bella, her mere presence threatened it.

"Hey," she whispered, seeing my angered reaction for what it was. Fear. "I'm not going anywhere. Remember that, okay?"

I nodded once. It was all I could.

"Sit. Please. I think the sooner we do this the better," he said, giving me a meaningful glance.

I got his meaning all right. Rip me to shreds before I could come up with a plan of defense.

I could hardly wait.

We obeyed and sat, Dr. Banner across from us, smiling some at how close I made sure Bella was next to me. Just because I was freaking out a little about her being here didn't mean I wanted to distance her completely.

If there was anything I'd learned, it was that I was good at these kind of mixed reactions. Might as well fucking run with it rather than fight it. It'd make this easier on all of us.

Dr. Banner asked Bella every question he could think of; of her time in the hospital, the time she spent searching for Maggie. Most of it I knew already from either reading her journal or from letting my walls down and talking with her more about... life, recently. But certain things still surprised me. Like the fact that Maggie had been searching for me just before her death and was only unable to get my identity because of all the work Carlisle and Esme had put into sealing my records.

All while Bella spoke to Dr. Banner, I couldn't get that out of my head. Maggie had fucking wanted - _tried -_ to find me. The only reason I hadn't known about her until Bella's arrival in Forks was because some asshole drunk driver had swerved into Maggie's lane and caused her car to flip late one evening.

And didn't that lead to the million dollar fucking question? How different would things be had that man not chosen to visit a bar after work that day? Hadn't left at that precise moment and swerved on _that _specific spot in the road? Maggie might have found me. Bella may not have lived to see today.

I wouldn't be the same person sitting here. In love. Striving to get well. Be something other than broken.

It was wholly too big for me to grasp right then.

If ever.

So I started paying attention to the conversation again in an effort to forget the way it made me feel.

Only to realize that listening to Bella wasn't much better.

"I wish I didn't have all of this doubt," she said quietly. "I see how much he's changed. And how hard he's trying."

"But?" Dr. Banner prompted.

"But..." She trailed over, her eyes darting over to me before focusing on her hands again.

My stomach dropped.

"I keep waiting for him to leave again. For him to decide that it's too much for him to handle or that he doesn't want to... try anymore?"

I tensed beside her, barely able to breathe. "Bella..." My voice cracked. "How could you ever...? Did I do something to make you think that?"

"No, not at all," she admitted. "Now that your here with me, I... I keep thinking that I'll do or say something wrong and you'll disappear again. That's my biggest fear, you know. To not have you in my life."

"You'll never not have me in your life again," I responded, shifting so I was facing her. "I know I fucked up. Repeatedly. And you have every right not to believe me. But I swear to you... God, baby, I can't be without you. I don't _want _to."

Dr. Banner pushed me to go further. "Why?"

"She makes me feel fucking incredible. She gives me strength with her unwavering belief in me. She's... Fuck, Bella, you were made for me. In every goddamned way."

A tear streaked down her cheek. "You really think that?"

"Who else would have the patience to deal with my shit?"

She laughed once. "The old you wouldn't have said that."

"The old me wouldn't have even admitted it to myself, much less be able to say it."

"Fair point," she conceded. "We're starting over. We're... relearning each other. I'm just going to have to keep that in mind."

"Listen to me." I dragged my hands through my hair. "I haven't told you everything I've talked about in these sessions, so you couldn't possibly know this. And maybe it will ease your fears; I don't fucking know. But-"

"You're rambling," she giggled.

I was. Funny since all my life I'd kept things bottled up and _this _would be the response I had to nervousness when she was near.

I exhaled sharply in frustration. "This thing with Maggie... I don't directly link you to it anymore. I mean, you are in a way, because without the circumstances of her death and your disease, I wouldn't have met you. But as for everything with my past? _You _aren't the reason I was so angry. And I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize it and that I hurt you before I did."

"Is he serious?" she mumbled, giving Dr. Banner a wary look. "He really doesn't blame me for anything?"

"No. I don't think he ever did."

She wasn't convinced.

"It was something we worked on a lot over the summer," he continued. "Misplaced anger and resentment."

"It was easier for me to blame you and push you away than deal with my past and the effects it's had on me."

"Wow," she breathed, seemingly flabbergasted. "You're just so..."

Then she smiled at me. Warmly.

"Be nice," I grumbled, trying not to show how that smile made my heart jolt.

"I am. Believe me. I am."

The look in her eyes told me exactly how happy she was with this new version of myself. And while I wasn't naive and knew it would take a long time - years, maybe - to erase all the damage my life in Chicago had done to me, that smile made me strive to be even better.

Because if I could see it every single day for the rest of my life, it'd be worth it. Every moment of frustration and strife during these sessions, all the money and time and effort sunk into it, would be worth it.

Although, I had a feeling I'd end up regretting that particular sentiment at some point in the future.

But I didn't really care.


	23. Chapter 23

**Thank you everyone for the reviews and adds this last week. Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing, and thanks to stephk0525, claireoth, and twilover76 for putting aside time out of their RL to read this nonsense for me ;)**

**This chapter should answer a couple of questions I've gotten recently. Also, in this fic, Edward always doubts himself and the good things (including Bella) that happen to him. Always. It's just who he is and doesn't necessarily mean anything.**

**OK, moving on now. ****Happy Valentine's Day! **

* * *

><p>Chapter 23<p>

**Bella**

I glared down at the textbook sitting in my lap. Studying. It'd been all I'd done lately, since I apparently had every asshole professor on campus this semester. My work load still didn't compare to Edward or Jasper's, but it was close enough that my brain was feeling a little fried.

I needed a break.

I reached over and fumbled with my phone that was sitting on the nightstand. I hadn't had time to really send Charlie anything more than a quick "I'm really busy, I'll call you back as soon as I can" text since getting back together with Edward. And Renee... I couldn't remember the last email I'd sent to her.

So I was making up for that now. Starting with my dad.

"Who're you calling?" Edward asked as he stepped into my room.

"Charlie. Why?" I asked, giving him an odd look when he visibly flinched at my answer. He was usually so unconcerned about my relationships with people, unless the specific person was Garrett.

So I was a little surprised by his reaction.

"Uh..." Hand through the hair. "Can you call him later? You know, after I leave? All we've done is fucking study together, and I have you to myself tonight without any books between us, and... I was kind of thinking I could take you out."

Seemed Edward and I had been thinking along the same wavelength today.

"On a date?"

He nodded and swallowed hard. "Something like that."

"And what exactly are we doing on this date?"

He shrugged. "Dinner and then... a movie? I don't know. I hadn't really gotten that far yet."

"So I'll call him before I get ready."

His eyes darted away, his expression guilty, anxious.

Weird.

"I haven't had time to talk to him lately. And I haven't really spoken to Renee since school started," I continued. "I really should before one of them starts to worry or something. Plus, I've not told them about us... Unless you're still wanting to keep it quiet?"

"No, I... Fuck." He sighed and plopped down on the bed beside me. "Never mind."

He mumbled something under his breath and right then, I knew something was up.

"Why can't I call my dad?" I asked suspiciously.

"No reason."

"Edward."

"Baby, don't ask me. I can't... I promised..."

My eyes narrowed. "Promised what, exactly?"

He shook his head and lay down, not uttering a single sound in explanation.

A thousand things raced through my mind as I whispered, "You're freaking me out a little."

"Shit. Sorry. I just... Ikindofpromisedyourdad..." he finished incoherently.

Surely that didn't sound like what I thought it did...

"Excuse me?"

"Ikindofpromisedyourdad... I um, I called him to see..."

A jolt of realization went through me. "He told you where to find me."

"Yeah," he answered warily.

"How the hell would he know where I was?" I demanded.

"You didn't tell him?"

I glared at him.

"I don't know," he insisted. "I just asked if he knew where your apartment was, and he told me you wouldn't be there. Then he made me agree to... all kinds of shit to get rest of the information."

"Like what?"

"Like... everything I should be doing anyway. So it doesn't matter," he replied.

"It _does_ matter," I protested. "I'm so sick of everyone meddling in my life!"

Edward snorted. "If no one meddled, do you think I'd really be sitting with you right now?"

I blinked.

"Think about it. If Jasper wasn't constantly on my ass about you; if he and the chief didn't always try to get you to wait it out, would we really be sitting here?"

I didn't know how to answer that.

"I'm grateful for their meddling. Because if they hadn't been so involved, I wouldn't have gotten that push I needed to get my shit together. You might have gone on a date with fucking _Garrett_, and no matter how much I hate to admit it, he's better for you than I'll ever be. You could have fallen in love with the fucker, and I'd have no one to blame for it but myself."

_Here we go again..._

"Don't say that," I snapped.

"Why? It's true. I'm lucky I saw you with him when I did. Lucky I had the sense to stop fucking around and tell you how I felt."

"It's not. At all. And you know it. He's Garrett. What can I do to convince you that never, in any parallel universe, would I have feelings for him?"

"If not him, someone else," he responded.

I growled in frustration. "You are the most stubborn man I've ever met. I love _you_. Not anyone else. End of discussion."

He grinned. And I happy as I was that he smiled so freely with me now, at that second, I wanted nothing more than to wipe it right off his face. This argument was getting so unbelievably old.

"Forget it. I'm calling Charlie."

"Don't say anything."

"Only if you promise to tell me what it is he made you agree to."

His jaw worked as he weighed his options. "You'd be making me go back on my word to your father, Bella."

"He'll never know."

"Right. He's the chief of police. He knows everything."

I ignored that - out of pure denial - and dialed my father's number.

"Hey, Dad."

"Well, it's about time you called," he greeted unhappily.

"Sorry. I told you I've been busy."

Rustling on the other end. "I know," he said. "What up there's got you so busy you can't call the old man?"

I almost snorted. Like he didn't know. "School. Finding a job... Edward."

At the sound of his name, Edward's eyes shot up to mine.

He was worried.

I barely resisted reaching out to comfort him.

Only because I was still annoyed with the never-ending Garrett argument.

"Is that..." Charlie cleared his throat nervously. "Is that so?"

"Yep. I got an apology, an 'I love you', and everything."

"That was enough?"

"The fact that he's trying so hard is."

His answering grunt was followed by a lull of silence.

"You're happy, right?" he finally asked.

"Well," I answered, "it hasn't been that long but it's good. I'm happy. Really happy. He's... different. He's the same but... improved?"

"He'd better be," he mumbled.

I sighed. Glanced back up at Edward. He was moving to the other side of the room, his hand cautiously running over Maggie's file. There was no way I was going to be able to talk to Charlie without screaming that I knew about his conversation with Edward. Nor would I be able to pay attention to whatever reason my father had to get involved. Not with Edward skimming through Maggie's information like he was.

_That_ was more important than my father's meddling any day.

"Hey, um, Dad, I hate to cut this short but Edward promised to take me out tonight. So I should probably get ready."

"Let me talk to him."

"Uh, what?"

"You heard me, Bella," he replied quickly. "Let me talk to him."

"Err..."

"I'm not going to scare him. I just want to ask him something."

I crossed the room and handed Edward my phone, shrugging when I was met with his confused look.

"Hello, sir," he said politely.

A pause. And then a noncommittal hum of agreement.

"All of it, yeah."

His eyes found mine again, a soft, soothing smile quirking one side of his lips; I'd been wringing my hands anxiously.

I dropped them to my sides.

"She says she is."

Another pause.

"It's all I want... Yeah..." His fingers wound through my hair; he kissed my forehead. God, I loved who he was now. No one got to see this side of him but me when we were alone. Otherwise, he was quiet... guarded. "Thank you. I will."

He said a goodbye, handed me back the phone, and then turned back toward the documents on my desk.

"You're never going to tell me what all that's about, are you?"

"No... Your father can."

"Like that's ever going to happen," I said, rolling my eyes.

"He just wants to protect you. And make sure you're happy. It's understandable that he's wary of me. Fuck, I'm wary too, and I know how much I want to make it right. I don't know that I'll ever make it right or have the capability... I keep waiting to do something to push you away or that shows what kind of shit I came from again."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"That self-deprecation thing. You've been doing it since you came in my room."

"Oh," he breathed. "I didn't realize I was."

"I know."

He flashed a sheepish grin. "So... Maggie played piano, huh?"

I shoved down the elation that that question elicited in me. He was ready to learn a little more about his sister, the past, even if it was something as superficial as this.

"She was phenomenal," I responded. I searched through the pages of the file and found the newspaper clipping I'd been looking for. "Here. Read it."

He skimmed over the article quickly, his lips moving with each word said. When he was through, he wordlessly handed me back the clipping and rocked on his heels. I couldn't tell if he was just trying to gather his thoughts or if he was gathering his emotions instead, so I opened the file folder with the intention of slipping the article inside...

Only to fumble and have something else fall out and skid across the floor, landing right at his feet.

I stood, frozen in horror, and waited for his reaction. He sucked in a breath and stared down at the composition for a moment - reading it, maybe? - and then he slowly bent down to retrieve it. His hand shook as he picked it up; his eyes found mine, wide and panicked.

"This is... This is..."

I nodded. "What she wrote to get that scholarship you just read about."

He exhaled slowly, "At sixteen."

"Yeah... Are you okay?"

He shook his head and clenched his eyes shut. "I'm okay," he answered. "Seeing this makes it feel fucking real."

"What do you mean?"

"Like..." He shook his head. "I'm not sure. She did all of this in such a short amount of time and I... I've wasted my entire life being pissed off and afraid. Carlisle and Esme would have made sure I had the same opportunities, and I couldn't see past-"

"You did the best you could given the circumstances."

He simply looked at me.

"Hey-"

"Can I keep this?" he asked abruptly.

"Yes?"

"I thought I might play it."

An emotion lanced through me, causing my chest to ache. I'd waited all these months for this.

"You all right?" he asked, his gaze zeroing in on the hand that had snuck up and started rubbing over my heart.

I gave him a smile. "Yeah, I- Yeah. I'm fine."

_More than fine._

* * *

><p>"Edward, come on," I coaxed, grabbing his hand and leading him into the small, downtown brick building in front of us. For whatever reason, I was excited to be here. Maybe it was because it was connected to what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Or maybe because it was a challenge for Edward, and I was a part of it. Finally.<p>

The reason didn't matter, though. Only the man beside me, dragging his feet, did. And I had a sneaking suspicion that if I didn't get him inside soon, he'd turn around and walk away.

So I decided to goad him a little.

"Don't be such a baby."

"I... Damn it, Bella," he grumbled, trepidation written all over him. His eyebrows were knit, his mouth in a thin line. His body was rigid and it was almost like I was pulling dead weight behind me as we crossed the street.

"How are you ever going to be a surgeon touching someone's insides if you can't even hand out food to people less fortunate than you?" I asked.

"I uh... I don't fucking know," he snapped back. "I'll figure it out."

I stepped up to the sidewalk and stopped, turning to face him. "Come on," I said again, this time gentler. "Dr. Banner would love to hear that you made it through this when you see him tomorrow..."

"Fuck. Fine." He started moving with me willingly. "I cannot believe I'm doing this."

"What if I told you I'd make it worth your while we got back?"

That had his interest. "With what?"

"With... I don't know," I said on a shrug. "With whatever you want, I guess."

"I can have anything?"

"Within reason."

"You. On your knees with your ass in the air while I fuck you. That's what I want," he said wickedly.

I pretended to think about it, only to torture him a little. There was no need to think of it at all. It had been an excruciating couple of weeks together. I could barely get him to touch me again, much less act on all the things that vulgar mouth threatened me with. And as much as I wanted to jump him and _make_ him touch me, I knew I couldn't. Edward was working through his problems as best as he could. Me pushing him further - before he was ready - would only cause more.

I was barely able to contain my frustrated sigh.

"Deal."

"Fuck. Yes," he breathed.

We walked a little further before I blurted, "You're really going to do it?"

He stopped momentarily, making me cringe. And then he hung his head. "Shit, I'm fucking this up again."

"You're not. I'm just..."

"No, I am," he argued. Then he huffed and straightened up. "One of these days I'll figure it out. And make good on every fucking word I've ever said."

My lips lifted slightly.

"But, baby, believe me when I say I'm actually following through tonight. I don't think I can stay away from you anymore."

"You don't have to say that," I mumbled.

"I'm not just fucking _saying _anything." His eyes darkened and he closed the distance between us. "I've done nothing today but think of how your legs feel around my waist when I'm fucking you. How soft your skin is, how your whole body flushes when you come. How slick and hot your pretty little-"

"Alright, alright," I interrupted him, swallowing hard. "I get it."

"You're squirming," he said in amusement.

I glared at him. Of course I was squirming. Did he not hear a thing he just said to me?

"Well, yeah," I muttered petulantly.

"I'm sorry." His lips twitched with the urge to laugh.

Now my eyes narrowed.

"Really, I am. Fuck, let's just get in here and do this shit, okay?"

"You'll be fine," I whispered.

He grunted and grabbed my hand.

"You will," I promised. It was just one more hurdle to get past, and none of them were too high. "Because you always are."

"Bella-"

"Stop. I know what you're doing."

His jaw clenched as his eyes darted off to the left.

"You keep saying 'let's go in there' and then changing the subject. You're stalling."

"_Fuck_."

"Mmm, later," I teased lazily.

That earned a tight, somewhat tortured laugh.

But at least it was there.

Edward followed me to the doors, stopping to read a plaque that was embedded into the building's facade.

_You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. Isaiah: Chapter 25, verse 4._

"Church, Bella? I don't do fucking church."

"It's not a church," I argued. "It's a shelter."

He arched his brow.

"You have faith. You have hope. It may not be in the same form as theirs, but it's still there."

"I know," he retorted. And then he bit down on the inside of his cheek to stop the outburst. "Are they going to make me get on my knees and pray?"

"No," I giggled. "You're here to see how the place works and help out with dinner. Stop being so ridiculous and get inside."

He threw the door open and gestured me in. Angrily.

I almost turned around and said forget it. Nothing was worth seeing him worked up like this.

Except I couldn't. He needed this. _We _needed this.

His anger grew as we met the director and were led through the facility and watched some of the residents do their daily chores.

It became palpable as we saw where the temporary families slept at night, when the pastor started speaking to us about their long-term program and drug rehab.

And just when I expected him to explode, he did the opposite.

He shut down. Stood there while I greeted more people than I imagined could fit inside this place. More people than I knew lived like this in Seattle. I'd been so distanced from it all until now. This is who my Edward was in Chicago. Worse, actually. He didn't have the opportunity to come here and sleep, too afraid he'd be discovered by a social worker and ripped away from all he knew... discovered by someone who wanted him dead.

"Edward," I murmured, giving him an encouraging smile.

_Please,_ I pleaded to myself._ Just try._

He focused on a woman across the room for a while, then her son. His face took on a pained look, his hand trembled as he reached across the counter and handed the next person, a man, in line a fork.

His eyes never left the boy.

His fingers brushed against the man's as he passed off the utensil.

He drew in a sharp breath and yanked his hand back.

He shook his head, closed his eyes. "Bella," he whimpered.

Too much. It was too much for him.

"Go," I whispered. "I'll be out as soon as I can."

I watched him bolt out the door, and then searched for the director. As soon as I spotted her, I waved her over and explained the situation.

She gave an understanding nod, but her eyes couldn't hide her surprise.

For the most part, Edward hid his demons well.

I rushed outside and scanned the area for him, finding him pacing on the opposite side of the street. I waited for the traffic to clear, ran over to him, and stopped just shy of reaching him.

I didn't know how to approach him. He was wild in his movements, frightening in the way he cursed to himself.

"We don't have to do that again," I told him.

His eyes shot to mine as he stopped mid-step, full of fire. "The fuck we don't," he snarled.

"Wh- What?"

The pacing resumed. "I'm not letting that shit win, Bella."

I blinked. Over and over again as I tried to figure out if I'd heard him correctly or not.

"You're sure?"

He gave me a hard look.

I took that as a yes.

"It amazes me," I said softly, fighting off a proud smile, "how much you've worked through in the last few months."

The old Edward wouldn't have been so determined to work through it. He would have disappeared for days because of this.

He groaned, stopped again. This time, he grabbed my hand to jerk me against him and kissed me so hard my toes curled inside my shoes. His fingers dug into my flesh as he composed himself, and when his eyes finally met mine, the tender look in them took my breath away.

His hand came up to brush the hair away from my eyes. He inhaled sharply, and then cracked a smile. "Say it again."

"You amaze me, Edward," I answered immediately.

"I don't... Why?"

"Because I love you, dummy," I laughed.

"I will never fucking grow tired of hearing any of that."

"We'll see."

He glowered at me.

"Or not."

"Better."

"So what's the plan?"

"We're going back," he said resolutely. "Tonight and every other fucking Sunday night until I get over it. Or our schedules change. Whichever comes first."

"Okay..." I pressed a kiss to his lips, and then extricated myself out of his grasp so we could go back inside. "Okay."

Not long after we went back, he let go of whatever had been eating away at him. Gone was the awkward, socially inept man I fell in love with, replaced with someone kind, compassionate, generous of heart; although, he was still uneasy with being in such close proximity to everyone. Because of this, his guard was still in place. Not all the details of his past were given out when he shared a few stories. And if I didn't know him so well, I'd have never been able to tell that he was reluctant to even mention anything at all. I stood there, useless, and in awe of his strength, his life, and soaked it all up so that I felt every word linger on my skin.

The love I had for him was overwhelming, staggering.

He reiterated his promise to come back every Sunday to the director, and then led me to his car, pinning me up against the door and moving his hands all over my body. There was desperation along the edges of his kiss, showing me just how shaken he was by whatever memories that place pulled out of his subconscious.

I let him take me as he wanted against the car, let him hitch my leg up and rock his hips into mine. Kiss me until my heart pounded and my breathing grew ragged. I gave him reassurance in the only way I knew how.

Me.

Until someone walking by catcalled.

I broke away from him, my hand fluttering above my heart. He was the only one whose touch could ever make my heart sprint like that.

The only one who would.

The drive to my apartment was quiet, the air thick and heavy between us. He didn't speak when he got out, either. He simply waited for me on the sidewalk and followed me up to my apartment, where he walked right past me and shut himself in the bathroom.

I wanted to cry.

So I did the dishes instead.

"Alice isn't coming home any time soon, is she?"

I yelped with his sudden reappearance before I answered, clutching the plastic cup in my hand. "No..."

"Good."

Before I could question him, Edward was hovering over me, his long, lean body pressed against mine deliciously as he took the cup from me and dropped it back into the sink.

"Thank God that wasn't glass," I mumbled.

No response, just the lifting of the little, blue dress I had on and the ghosting of fingers all over me. A few quick movements, and my panties fell to the floor. I used my feet to flick them aside, which gave him just enough room to toy with me.

Heat raced through me. Desire pooled deep in my belly. My breathing came out in sharp gasps with every pass and my heart started racing again.

I brought his other hand up to my chest. "You do that. You make my heart beat like this when you touch me."

"Fuck," he moaned. "How's that even possible?"

"Because it's yours."

All of it. Every last piece of me.

His hold tightened. And then his finger slipped inside me. Followed by another, still cool from where he'd splashed water on his face just moments ago.

I'd wanted this for so long; him, unbidden, reckless, _willing_.

"You like that, baby?" he growled against my ear. "You like my fingers fucking you?"

My head fell back against his shoulder; my hips flexed into his hand.

I moaned a reply.

"I can tell... Jesus," he grunted.

His thumb made a pass over my clit, just a feather light touch, and then he applied more pressure, circling in time with his fingers' thrusts.

"Oh, God. Oh... God, Edward..."

"Yes," he hissed as my body tightened around him. He held me up, spread my legs just enough so his hand had more freedom.

Soon I was moaning again, begging incoherently for something unknown - _more_ - as I came. Vision blurry and dazed, he spun me around, picked me up, and sat me down on the counter. He pushed my legs apart and settled between them.

"I need you... I need inside you," he groaned. He fought with his jeans briefly before shoving them down his legs and jerking my dress up over my head. He grabbed the cups of my bra and pushed them down so he could kiss, lick, suck... bite.

Another moan, quite possibly the word "shit", but I wasn't sure. I was too far gone to tell. Already, I ached with the need to come again, to feel our bodies joined.

The condom wrapper crinkled in his hands.

The now-covered head of him slid over me; I trembled.

Took to begging.

"Please," I grabbed at his arms, "please, please, please..."

In one thrust, he was fully inside me. I gasped as my entire body lit up, clung to him while he wasted no time setting a pace. Fast. Hard. Relentless. Unrestrained. Better than I'd dreamed, better than the last time. There was just one thing missing: the fact that I couldn't feel _him,_ blocked by a layer of latex instead.

One of these days...

I bounced against him, vaguely aware of his words or his heavy, staccato breaths in my ear.

"Baby," he grunted. "Baby, come. Touch yourself... Fuck, I need you to come."

I followed his instructions and let my hand fall between us. He spread me open further, watching our connection with dark, dark eyes.

_Oh, holy Christ..._

I screwed my eyes shut and - mindful of the neighbors hearing - bit back a scream as I climaxed around him. He stole my breath with a hungry kiss and found his own release, stilling inside me so I could feel every last inch of him.

"Shit," I managed to say against his lips, this time somewhat coherently.

"I fucking love you... so much," he said as he sagged against me, nuzzling into my neck.

I smiled and ran my hands through his hair. I wanted to repeat the words, but they weren't right. Enough.

So I stayed tangled up with him as we came down from our highs.

"I told you I was following through tonight."

I laughed once. "So you did."

"And before you ask, I'm okay. I don't think it'll take me as long to get back to this point. My reaction wasn't as... extreme."

I smiled happily.

"But next time I'm tasting you."

Blink. "Huh?'

"_Tasting_ you," he repeated, trailing kisses over my flushed skin. "Savoring you. Every fucking part of you."

I struggled for a response.

"Would you want that?"

"Yes," I squeaked.

He grinned.

The doorbell rang.

I scrambled away from him and bent down to retrieve my clothes. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," I mumbled before loudly saying, "Be right there!"

Edward gave me an annoyed look.

"I forgot Garrett was coming by."

"He what?" he asked, his voice deceptively calm.

"He wanted my help on some project. Says I'm a Photoshop wiz or something. With the shelter and everything today, I completely forgot."

Edward stood there. Highly pissed.

"Get dressed? Please? And bleach the counter?"

He huffed.

I didn't have time to console him, so I let it go and rushed toward the door.

I made sure my dress was in place, and then opened it, smiling as soon as I saw Garrett's face.

He looked at my hair, the expression on my face... found Edward standing in the kitchen as he pulled his jeans up over his hips and buttoned them.

"You forgot."

I blushed. Fire red. "Sorry."

He shook his head. "I can come back..."

"Why don't you?" Edward chimed in pointedly.

I aimed a glare at him while speaking to Garrett. "No, you're staying. I promised to help, so I am."

I focused on Garrett again. I could hear Edward spraying the counter down as he debated it.

Mor-ti-fied.

He stepped past me and into the apartment.

"You can go ahead and sit down. I'll be right there," I told him.

I waited until he was on the couch before heading over to Edward.

"Make it quick," he said lowly.

My hands went up to my hips, a retort on the tip of my tongue...

"I still have to make good on my promise to fuck you from behind tonight."

"But I thought you..."

"For some reason, I have this need to hear you scream out my name later," he snarked, his eyes moving behind me to rest on Garrett.

"Edward..." I warned, only to trail off because his lips were suddenly latched onto my skin.

And it felt so, so good...

"Shit. You better not give me a hickey," I said, squirming in his arms.

He smirked as he pulled away, eyeing his handy work. "It'll be gone by morning."

"No, it won't! I bruise easily, you asshole!"

He dodged my hand with a laugh. "Go work on the project. The sooner you get him out of here, the sooner I get you back to myself."

"And what will you do?"

His eyes fell to my neck again. "Dig through your closet for a turtleneck, what else?"

"I don't _have_ any turtlenecks, Edward," I answered in exasperation.

"Scarf?"

My lips twitched with his playful mood. "No."

Another beautiful, lopsided grin. "Guess I'll dig through Alice's shit, then."

I cocked my brow.

"What? I need something to distract myself while he's here."

"Don't be like that."

He shrugged. "Can't help it."

His eyes flashed with something as he glanced away.

Insecurity.

I stood on my toes so I could kiss him. "Then come and hang with us."

He scoffed, "Really, Bella? Like that's not bound to be fucking awkward."

"Only if you let it."

He glared at me. "This is me we're talking about here. It's not like I can exactly help that shit."

"Okay, good point. But I don't want you to go."

"I won't be gone, exactly," he returned. "Just in the other room."

I still pouted.

He made a garbled sound of frustration and shoved a hand through his hair. "Jesus, I'm fucking whipped."

I giggled, "It's mutual. I promise."

"Yeah."

I pulled his face down and kissed him. Hard. "You won't regret it. I swear."

He pushed away from me with a light smack on my ass. "We'll see."


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you everyone for the reviews (those who managed to get one in since FFn was on the fritz yet again) and recent adds. **

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work; thanks to stephk0525, claireoth, and twilover76 for prereading. Best team in the world right there.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 24<p>

**Edward**

I jerked awake and scrambled toward Bella's headboard. My pulse pounded in my ears, my breaths loud and wheezing.

My eyes darted around the room. Familiarity, the sound of Bella's deep, undisturbed sleep beside me. It was a nightmare. Another fucking nightmare. Different than any dream I'd had before. In those were memories. Things I hated about myself. What I tried so hard to forget.

This was unrecognizable.

New.

"What the fuck?" I managed out loud.

Bella shifted with the sound of my voice, and then burrowed herself down in the covers as if she were ignoring me.

Not that I blamed her.

I dragged my hands though my hair and made a sound of disgust at how sweaty I was. I gently slid out of the bed, careful not to wake Bella up any more. Sleep wasn't happening for me tonight - I actually hadn't gotten used to it - but there was no reason for Bella to lose any along with me. Which I knew she would. No way would that girl let me stay up alone. It was just her nature to sacrifice something to help me out.

Fuck if I was letting her do that anymore than I had to.

I took a quick shower and practically fucking tiptoed back into her bedroom to snatch Maggie's information off of her desk. I spread it all out on the kitchen table and made a pot of coffee so that I didn't find myself face down, drooling over it all in the morning.

Coffee poured and mug in hand, I went and sat at the table just... looking. Unable to touch any of it for the longest time. I'd been avoiding it for these last few weeks. For this reason exactly. It was fucking overwhelming. All of it. Trying to be better for Bella and not wrecking our relationship before it even got off the ground. Working through all my issues while keeping up with my classes.

Learning more about Maggie and why I didn't remember her, had become the least of my concerns. And that was...

Breaking my promise to Bella, myself. We had so much to talk about - learn about each other - and I'd just skirted around the majority of it lately, too happy with Bella to change it.

_Shit._

I took a sip and scowled when I realized I'd let my coffee go cold. I got up to dump it out and pour myself a new cup when Alice came into the kitchen, squinting against the bright overhead lights.

"What are you doing?" she whisper-yelled. "It's three in the morning!"

"Did I wake you?"

"No."

"Then don't worry about it."

"Fine, crabby pants, I won't."

My lips quirked a little at her name calling.

"Are you okay, though?" she asked. "Because Bella would kick my ass if I l went back to bed and let you have some sort of breakdown."

"Christ." I nearly rolled my eyes. "I'm not having some sort of fucking breakdown, Alice."

She pursed her lips and studied me. Apparently content with what she saw, she nodded and went to the fridge. The girl barely came up to the freezer door she was so small, and it was nearly comical watching her fight to get ice out of the drawer.

"Need help? A stool, perhaps?"

"Fuck off."

I laughed. She was a feisty little thing. "Kiss my brother with that mouth?"

"I don't kiss him at all," she retorted.

"Not what he said."

"Just the once," she amended. "And you can't count it since he wigged the hell out on me."

I debated that. "Yeah, okay. I'll buy. You still want to, right?"

She simply looked at me.

"I see. Wish you'd fucking hurry up on sealing the deal then. He's becoming a pain in my ass."

"Are you noticing this 'pain in the ass' problem now that you're not so douchey yourself?"

"You mean since I have sex on a regular basis?" _For the most part._

"Of course."

"Then maybe. I don't think so, though. He was cool as fuck till you, you know... came into the picture."

"Yeah," she grumbled. "Tell me about it. I repel Jasper Cullen. It's the weirdest thing."

"You scare him."

She eyed me. Her hair was fucking all over the place, and I wondered if that's what mine looked like half the time.

Huh.

"No, really. Trust me on this. That's what's going through his head. You scare him."

"Why?"

"Because what if he's not good enough? He's never had to face that before."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"That's the Cullen way," I answered dryly.

"Still stupid."

"Yep."

She took a deep pull of water. "Bella's a goddamned saint."

"Nothing I don't already know there, arm rest."

She smiled and shook her head. "See you in the morning, asshole."

I waved her off. Sat back down.

Stared at the shit some more before finally convincing myself to search for what I'd come out here for: information about Maggie's accident.

I couldn't put it off forever.

Quickly, I rifled through all the paperwork and pictures until I'd found it all. My breath caught when I saw the blue wreckage that was once her Cavalier.

"Oh, fuck."

How anything was salvageable on the girl was beyond me. The car had flipped until it hit a tree, was crushed in more places than I could count. My fist was in my mouth, teeth digging into my flesh to counteract the emotions coursing through me as I looked through the police report, the investigation, and the manslaughter charges.

I abruptly shifted gears and started looking at what little of her medical charts Charlie had been able to retrieve.

But it was enough.

A beating heart cadaver. Killed only by a bleed in the brain while all her other organs functioned perfectly on life support. I reached up and rubbed my temples, my thoughts immediately going back to the dream and how fucking much my head had hurt, how it made my entire body react like a live wire.

It was the last conscious thing my sister knew.

My head snapped up with the sound of Bella coming into the room. Her eyes widened, and her movements faltered at the doorway.

And then she was racing toward me.

"Oh, my God," she said on a gasp. "What are you...? Are you...?"

Her hands cradled my face, thumbs traced over my cheekbones as she checked me over.

How fucked up was I over this?

I answered my own question with a shudder and took hold of her, clinging to her and burying my face into her neck. "Fuck, baby. It was awful. Why didn't you tell me how awful it was?"

"_How?_"

"She was hurting when she lost consciousness," I mumbled. "Jesus fucking God, she hurt..."

She shook her head. "The doctor told the Carrs that she didn't suffer. The bleed in her brain was-"

"The asshole was wrong," I interrupted.

"You don't know that."

"That's why I got up. I... I swear to fuck, Bella, I just dreamed it."

She stopped breathing for a second. "You what?"

"It woke me up. The pain." I shifted and laid my ear against her heart, listening to the steady beat for a moment. "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know," she said quietly. "Are you sure it wasn't something-"

"Bella, that was _not _something that happened to me."

I didn't know how I knew that was true.

I just fucking did.

"But maybe it was just a regular dream..."

I glared up at her.

She sighed. "Yeah, okay. What was it about?"

"I don't know. I can't remember any of the details. Just that my head felt like it was being fucking pried open."

"Maybe it was your subconscious' way of saying stop screwing around and start dealing with it instead," she offered, biting on her lip uncertainly.

A bleak laugh bubbled out of me. "Of course it is. I'm always looking for new ways to fucking torture myself."

She giggled and moved so that she was sitting sideways in my lap. "Come on. We're both up. Might as well go through this some more."

"I don't... I mean, Bella, I..."

Her brows snuck up to her hairline as she waited for me.

I groaned. "You're not letting it go, are you?"

"Not this time, Sparky."

I huffed.

"Okay, so what are we looking at tonight?" I paused. Shook my head. "Wait, I need a fucking aspirin."

She bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'll get it."

I sat there motionless and stared at the wall while she went to the bathroom and retrieved a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water, too afraid to look at those pictures anymore. Too afraid of having that same reaction I did.

Because I didn't know what the fuck it was, whether it was a response to how Bella got the heart or to my sister's death.

It was too goddamned complicated for three a.m.

"Here," she said quietly as she handed it all over to me. "Are you okay?"

_No._

I nodded tersely and took the two pills.

She flipped open her journal and pulled out her letter.

"So maybe we should start with this. With me."

I exhaled slowly and closed my eyes. I didn't need to read the entry to know what it said. I'd read it a dozen times before, had it nearly memorized.

_You make me feel... I can't describe it. Alive. You make me feel alive..._

Fuck. Yeah, she did.

"Tell me everything."

"I was sixteen when I was diagnosed. No one knew there was anything wrong with me until it was almost too late."

"Why?" I asked, just to keep her talking. I already knew this much.

"The only symptom I presented was dizziness after exertion. I'd run and fall. I'd try to dance, play some sort of sport, and hurt myself. Every single time."

Absently, I reached up and ran my thumb over her scar through her t-shirt. "No chest pain, palpitations, or shortness of breath?"

She shook her head.

"Not once?"

Another shake of her head. "The doctors all tested me for anxiety and asthma. One even tested me for a mitral valve prolapse. Nothing came up so no one really thought about it. Renee is so clumsy herself; we all thought that was the problem. I was just a klutz who couldn't take three steps in front of her without tripping."

"Except it wasn't. Your balance was off because your heart was working too hard and taking your brain's blood," I murmured to myself.

"I love that you get it. I don't have to explain every detail. You already know."

I glanced up at her and frowned. My determination to do something with my life instead of becoming some kind of bullshit statistic was the only reason why I did. Any other circumstance and she'd have to explain the hows and whys of it all, like with most people.

So maybe we were good for each other. I gave her a break from rehashing each individual aspect of her condition. She gave me... _me_. Whoever I was.

"Anyway, it didn't really make things easy at school. I didn't really fit in anywhere. I couldn't sing, play an instrument... couldn't act, couldn't play sports - obviously. I was book smart, but not smart enough to be included with the geeks and nerds. I sucked at video games; I wasn't all that pretty-"

"Bullshit," I snarled. "Don't start that bullshit."

"Maybe I am now," she conceded. "I don't know. I was awkward before, though, Edward. And Renee was so overprotective... I never went to a party, sleepover..."

She was quiet for a moment. "You know it's funny. Right before I was diagnosed, there was this guy, Alex. I felt off all morning long. Lightheaded. I thought it was because I hadn't eaten breakfast or something, so I went to the vending machines right outside the cafeteria. He... he made me feel good about myself. Showed interest in me for something other than an easy punch line. Finally."

"And then it all went to shit."

She nodded. "I collapsed during gym. Getting ready to serve a volleyball of all things. I hated that for the longest time."

"Why?"

"Got made fun of," she said simply. "People are cruel."

"And now?"

"Now I think it's okay, because it led me to where I'm supposed to be. Here. At this specific university. With you, Alice, and the other friends I have. I can't imagine it any other way."

"How do you do that?"

"What?"

"Be so optimistic all of the time."

She shrugged. "It's all you have when you're lying in a hospital bed after your third unsuccessful surgery. Or when you watch your parents die a little when you're told you have a year left to live unless they happen to find a donor."

"Which they did." I brushed her hair back and kissed her jaw. "Thank fucking God they did."

I'd still be so lost without her.

"It explains a lot of why my dad is the way he is. He thought he was going to bury me. So now, he does whatever he can to make sure I'm happy."

"Including me."

"Including you," she agreed. "And that brings me to the next part."

I tensed involuntarily. "Claire de Lune."

"I was right? It means something?"

"Yeah." My voice broke. "Yeah, it was what Elizabeth would hum to me sometimes before she... before she..."

She snuggled against me. "You don't have to talk about it."

"But I need to."

"Okay, then do it."

I took a steadying breath, though it was pretty much useless. "Bedtime was routine. Snack, bath, brushing my teeth, story. The nights the stories didn't lull me to sleep, Elizabeth would lie down with me and hum Claire de Lune while running her fingers over my face and through my hair. Like this..."

I trembled as I went to demonstrate. Cursed. Shook harder. Then, steeling myself, I let the pads of my fingers trace the lines of Bella's face. Around her eyes, over her cheekbones, nose, lips... I skimmed them over the curve of her neck, the shell of her ear. Into her hair where I was rewarded with the most incredible, breathless moan.

"That feels really good," she said, swallowing.

I shifted underneath her, effectively hard as stone from that sound. "Yeah. Put me to sleep every fucking time."

"I can see why."

"So uh, anyway," I cleared my throat and brought my hand back to rest on her knee, "one night, she got frustrated with me and left. She sang the next time I couldn't sleep, but got angry with me again a couple weeks or so later. The frequency of her actually being there for me became less. Even her reading to me at night became unreliable. _Bathing_ was nonexistent. Fuck, I think one time I just shoved myself in a cold bath to get the mud off of me."

Bella looked at me strangely.

"It was raining and I was a pain in my mother's ass when I was little. I went outside after I was told not to and played in the mud. Elizabeth was too... high to give a fuck and clean me up, though. She just sat there and stared at the TV."

Damn, I remembered that clearly. The TV had been off, and I'd thought it was pretty fucked up for her to be staring at it like she was.

"That was the beginning. The least of her bullshit, actually, because she didn't hurt me in any way. She was just dead to the world."

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't know what I'd done, you know? I think I was fucking six, and... I watched her disappear."

She didn't say anything else. She simply put her head on my shoulder and ran her hand over my chest.

So I had the strength to keep going.

"Eventually, I learned to take care of myself. Baths, brushing my teeth, getting on the school bus every morning. I ate at school mostly, because there was no goddamned food in the house. Elizabeth wasn't fucking worried about me anymore. She was either manic, passed out on the couch, or out looking for- _Fuck_."

That first summer, though, without the school system to give me breakfast and lunch... I thought I was dying some days I was so hungry.

"Want to stop?"

I shook my head. "I remember there was this one time she brought a guy back with her. I didn't know my father, but I had this stupid idea that he'd come back to us."

"Most kids do," she interjected.

"I guess. So I ran out of my room excited because I thought it was my dad and was met with this stranger instead. The look in his eyes... Jesus, he scared the shit out of me. He was high as fuck and was just there to get laid. He threw Elizabeth around a few times over me being there, so I hid in the closet. When I was out of sight he must've figured it was okay, and so he and Elizabeth... I thought he was hurting her more. I didn't know what it was and -"

I drew in a sharp breath.

"I'm done. I can't..."

"Okay."

"I'm so fucking tired of feeling like this," I breathed.

"Like what?"

"Panicked," I answered, my mouth trailing along her skin, hoping to ease the tightness in my chest. "It consumes me."

"It used to, yeah. But not anymore," she said softly. Her head dropped as I kept kissing her, touching her, bringing her so close to me that no space was between us. "I see _you_, Edward. All the time now."

Passion grew between us achingly fucking slow. I pushed all of the documents aside and sat Bella on the edge of the table. I ran my hands over her thighs until I reached the hem of her t-shirt.

Up.

"Edward..." she whispered, her hands moving to my hair.

The shirt fell to the floor.

Nothing but the hot pink cotton of her underwear separated me from her now. They sat low on her hips and had some cheeky fucking saying on her ass.

Which I was currently grabbing, digging my fingers into, pulling her toward me again.

I dipped my head down and kissed her through the cotton, my eyes flickering up to her face to make sure this was okay. This was a promise I could fulfill. One I _needed t_o fulfill. I needed to engage every sense with her, forget. Give Bella another first while simultaneously feeling what I currently had in my arms instead of what was in the past.

I took a breath.

God, she smelled so good.

Knowing exactly what I needed, she dropped one leg to the table. Rolled her hips against my mouth and murmured, "Take me to bed."

xx

_Dear Maggie,_

_I met a guy. He is by far the most attractive person I've ever seen in person, not that I've really met a lot of people. Have you ever met someone like that? Someone you couldn't keep your eyes off of? Someone you could picture as a model or actor? Who is so beautiful, your body physically responds to it? Because that's the kind of hot he is._

_Until he opens his mouth. _

_He's rude. Patronizing. Hateful. But the best part of being introduced to him? I came home afterwards feeling horrible about myself for even thinking he could possibly want anything to do with me. I was determined to find any other job in this town but one that would require me to work so closely to him, only to learn that Charlie had found the name of your brother. _

_None other than the hot asshole from the garage._

_How can_ he_ be your brother? I don't understand. From everything I know about you, you two are total opposites. I mean, he doesn't even look like you! He has a permanent frown on his face, his hair is red, his eyes aren't like yours at all. They're green, yes, but hard. Intense. Mean._

_So it makes me wonder: do I even have the right guy?_

_Yeah. That's him. I feel it in my bones, however messed up that is._

_I'm an even bigger idiot than I realized for hoping just once that this would be easier than the reality is actually proving to be. That guy... he despises me already, and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual._

_No, it's really not. I'm not exactly Edward Cullen's biggest fan at the moment, but to say that I despise him seems completely wrong._

_He makes me feel like I can't breathe, which might be from the smoke he kept blowing in my face while I was trying to get information about the job from him; I don't know. To have to tell him all about you... It's going to be so bad. Worse than probably anything I can imagine._

_I should just leave now._

_But I can't. God, it's like I'm rooted to this place for some reason. So I'll take it. I'll take it all from him. The anger, the rudeness, the blatant disregard for other people's feelings. I'll feel inferior and ugly and stupid every day that I need to so I can get this off my chest. Because I don't know of any other cure for this obsession I have. I don't know how to move on without doing this._

_And I need to move on. I have a life waiting for me now, one I want to make the most of. I want that first kiss, a boyfriend, first love. I want my dream job, friends. I want to see the world. There's so much I get to do now, except I'm hung up on this one stupid thing._

_It makes me want to just throw something._

xx

I stopped reading when Bella shifted beside me and yawned. "What are you doing?" she asked sleepily.

I shrugged. "I still couldn't sleep so I grabbed it off the table."

"Haven't you read it enough?" she joked.

"Yeah." She scooted over and pushed the journal out of the way, laying her head down on my chest in its place. "I didn't know you felt that way."

"Felt how? You're going to have to elaborate. There is a lot in there, you know."

"Ugly. I-" I dragged my free hand through my hair. "Fuck, Bella, you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen."

"Really? I'd just gotten out of the gym..."

"Really," I said on a laugh. "I swear, it felt like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs the second I laid eyes on you."

"You sure didn't act like it," she said wryly.

"No, I... You made me feel something when you spoke to me. I hated it. Wanted to hate _you_."

"Wanted to?"

"I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, you made me want to laugh. I felt good when you were around, and as socially fucking stunted as I am at times, I couldn't wait for you to walk through that door every morning, if for nothing else than just to look at you."

"I always liked looking at you too," she said quietly.

"I'd never felt that way before," I admitted.

Her lashes fluttered as she looked up at me.

So I clarified, "No one existed until you."

Her eyes widened. A smile broke out across her face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." I pointed to the drawing on the page, changing the subject. "A puppet?"

"Marionette, yeah," she answered, moving so she could see it better. "I'd read something about marionette shows in Sicily a few days before I moved back. I remember thinking that was exactly what I felt like: a puppet on strings."

"And Maggie's the girl behind the curtain?" I snorted. "Come on, Bella, get real."

"No, I mean, maybe. But I think it was more that I was supposed to find you. This. Us. Maggie was just... a reason to come here in the first place? I don't know. I stopped trying to figure it out a while ago."

"You been talking to Jasper?"

"No," she replied questioningly.

"He says the same thing. Only in his philosophical bullshit way."

She grinned. "It sucks he's always right, doesn't it? Well, except when it comes to Alice."

"He's stubborn."

"A Cullen trait?"

I chuckled. "It was the only trait our parents made sure we had before adopting us. Otherwise, fuck, we'd have been tossed back out on our asses."

"Shut up," she giggled, smacking my chest lightly.

It went silent. Heavy as I thought about my brothers. Rosalie. I still hadn't had the time to talk to Emmett about her, though I had a feeling that now it didn't matter. I was fucking entangled in Bella; I no longer needed convincing to get here.

So maybe her secret should just stay that: a secret.

"You need to get some sleep," she finally murmured.

"Can't," I responded absently.

She sighed. "I thought you were doing better."

"I am. This isn't about... Hell, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't fucking sleep tonight."

Her hand moved lazily over my stomach. "I'd tell you the cure for that, but I have a feeling it wouldn't go over so well right now."

"What's that?" I asked densely.

"You could fuck me again," she said, her voice wavering slightly with uncertainty.

"Shit," I groaned, shifting beneath her, "as hot as it is to hear you say that, I-"

"I know." She smiled up at me. Warmth burst inside me with how understanding she was about it all.

"I don't want you to be sore," I finished, hoping she'd know that I _wanted _her again. That I was getting over some of my shit.

"Oh." She looked confused. "Edward, I'm not breakable..."

Not the point. She was still new to sex, and I'd been rough with her before. I'd always been a little too rough with her, right from the beginning. Every kiss was a little too hard, too desperate or demanding. Each time we'd had sex was when I couldn't possibly stay away from her anymore - needed something from her - so I dragged her away to hurriedly work my way inside her.

I was going to have to go slow. Just once. Just to show her what it was like.

She should have_ everything_.

"Why did Maggie's parents drop the manslaughter charges?" I asked instead.

"They never filed them in the first place," she answered. "The police department did."

Now I was the confused one.

"You'd have to ask them all the details," she laughed. "I just know that the Carrs told the police to back off on criminal charges."

"Why?"

"That I don't know. I was a little tunnel-visioned when I talked to them." She paused. "I read-"

"Read?"

"I didn't want to... God, I didn't want them to feel any more grief, so I never asked. I've just kept up on the daily Texas news."

"Amarillo, right?"

"Yeah. She was home that weekend from Arizona."

My eyes flew to her face. I swallowed hard as I thought about the composition that gave her the scholarship. To _ASU_. "Fuck. Do you think uh... Do you think you'd have ever met her? If things were different?"

She answered carefully. "Maybe. I think that in any version of my life, my destiny was to meet _you_. Whether it was this way, without the disease and Maggie's death, coming to stay with Charlie and running into you somewhere..."

"That seems really fucking farfetched, Bella."

She wasn't deterred by my harshness. "Not really. I'd be a sophomore at ASU if I hadn't been stuck in the hospital all that time."

My heart faltered. "What?"

"It was what I planned with Renee for as long as I can remember. But then this happened, and my plans changed."

"Shit," I breathed.

She smiled a little. "So anyway, I read that he spent ninety days in a rehab facility and got community service. Not the picking up trash on the side of the road kind, either. The Carrs asked that he specifically designate so many hours of his life per year, for the next five years, to helping out that rehab facility with patients, however they need him. And he had his license revoked too. Indefinitely, I think."

"That's... it?" I asked incredulously. "Esme would have made sure he didn't walk freely for most of his life if it happened to one of us."

She shrugged. "The Carrs aren't like most people."

"Obviously."

"Speaking of Esme... I... I kind of miss her," she said shyly.

"Thanksgiving weekend. I thought maybe we could go home that weekend. Together," I responded. "Is that okay?"

"You can take a break?"

"Not really," I said honestly. "But I'll just bring my shit with me or something."

"Edward, we don't have to-"

"Yes, we do," I practically growled. "I've put everything off long enough because I just wanted to fucking enjoy having you. I can't keep doing it. It's not fair to you, my family... Fuck, Jasper's been dodging my mom for days so he didn't have to answer questions about me."

"That's not going to go over well."

"Exactly my point. I'm being a selfish piece of shit again."

"I wasn't pushing you to do anything either. I was perfectly content to stay in this little bubble we'd created at the baseball diamond. No worries, no stress, other than class..."

"Yeah."

She went quiet for a moment. "Well, in any case, Charlie will be glad to see me. You too, I'm sure."

I scoffed.

"He will," she insisted. "Because you make me do this-"

She propped herself up on my torso, her hair falling over those fantastic tits of hers as she did.

Then she smiled. It was bright, happy; the most ridiculous thing I'd ever fucking seen.

So I laughed.

The smile grew wider. Genuine. Transforming into one that made me need to touch her, roll her over so that my body covered hers to channel this soul-shattering feeling inside me elsewhere. I did that to her, made her feel that way, as impossible as it seemed.

Goddamn, I loved that smile.

Because it was _mine._


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks everyone for the reviews and adds. As usual, I was fail with review replies. But in my defense, I'm getting a new boss at work (eep!) and went to the Indy TFMU, where I had entirely too much fun. Everyone there was so awesome.**

**Huge thanks and hugs to ChocolateLover82 for writing the most amazing review of Dear Maggie on The Lemonade Stand blog, and to everyone who voted it as Fic of the Week. I was absolutely floored to see it!**

**Here's the psuedo link if you want to take a peek: http:/ www. tehlemonadestand .blogspot. com/ 2012/ 02/ tls-fics-of-week-222-2282012-six-sexy .html**

**Thanks to my fuckawesome and ever dedicated beta, Stratan, and to the girls who read my shit and tell me it's not just that, twilover76, stephk0525, and claireoth.**

**Oh, before I forget: Nothing about Rosalie has been revealed; although, I'm sure most of you can guess. It's pretty canon.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 25<p>

**Bella**

"Ugh, make him do something else," Jasper groaned from beside me.

I shook my head. "Uh-uh. I'm glad he's playing again."

"So am I. I'm actually glad he's doing all of this; but do you think he could focus on another song?"

"It's Maggie's. You know that. He's just trying to... perfect it."

"But he's going to drive himself crazy with it. Or me. I'm still undecided on who'll have a psychotic break first."

"Maybe not," I argued.

On cue, the melody faltered, picked up again. And then it stopped.

Edward's frustrated curse from the other room reached our ears, and Jasper quirked his eyebrow knowingly.

I didn't like the smug look on his face and knew exactly what to say to wipe it right off. "Alice is coming by tonight."

It worked.

He dragged a hand through his hair and gulped. "When?"

"About eight? I'm not sure yet. You've got plenty of time to primp," I told him with a grin. "Don't worry."

I hopped off the kitchen barstool and rounded the corner to find Edward glowering at his prized black piano.

"You're going to stroke out if you keep this up."

He growled under his breath. "I can't get this fucking part right. That's... that's never happened to me before."

I closed the distance between us, struggling not to laugh at his bewildered face. "I told you she was amazing."

"_Phenomenal's_ the word you used," he spat, his eyes flashing apologetically as he realized he was taking his anger out on me.

I ignored it. "Oh, yeah. I did. Well, now you know."

"I have the technique, timing... everything. But it feels wrong when I play it." He shook his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Maybe you should watch _her _play it."

His brows shot up.

"I have the video."

"I- Fuck, no. No, I can't," he croaked, his eyes growing wider by the second. "It's-"

I reached around him and gently gathered the composition together. "Then I think it's time you focused on something else."

"Bella-"

"If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's no big deal."

He exhaled sharply. "And what the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

"Pack for this weekend."

"Pack," he laughed bitterly.

"Yep. Pack. For that trip we have planned to Forks?"

"God- Fine," he snarled. "Let's go pack."

He stormed off into the bedroom, leaving me to exchange a glance with Jasper, now leaning against the doorway.

"Think you got this, B?" he asked, taking a lazy bite of his apple. He shoved the chunk to the side of his mouth before continuing. "He's pretty pissed."

"We'll see, won't we," I responded flatly.

"I'll be out here if you need me."

I nodded and took a deep breath.

I found Edward in his closet, flinging clothes out haphazardly onto the bed. I calmly put the composition away, and then turned around.

Only to jerk to the side when a shoe came flying out and hit the wall beside me, leaving a dent in the drywall in its wake.

_There_ was the temper I'd been waiting for to resurface.

"Edward..."

"Goddamn it," he shouted, whirling around to face me. "I can't- When is it going to stop? When is it going to stop fucking with me, baby? Every day it's like this. There's something every day that makes me so-"

The pacing began.

My voice trembled as I answered him. I couldn't stand to see him like this. So hurt, distraught. "When it's supposed to, I guess."

He pinned me with a furious glare. "Because that's so fucking helpful, Bella."

"Well, what do you want me to say?" I demanded, a little desperately. "I don't have any answer to help you! Nothing I can do or say will ever help you because I have no idea what you're going through! And I'm sorry. I hate that I can't-"

I broke off before I burst into tears.

He growled again, loudly this time. He snatched up a picture Esme had given him and threw it. _Hard._ It shattered onto the floor, along with the man in front of me.

I was at his side immediately.

I pried his hands away from his face, a pathetic little sob escaping me as I caught his expression. His chest heaved with his quick, sharp breaths, and his skin was slick with sweat. I thought I'd seen him panicked before, but this was...

"Do I need to call Dr. Banner?" I asked softly.

His eyes shot up to mine. They were a little crazed, unfocused.

He blinked when I gasped quietly.

"No," he ground out. "Just... come here."

I hurriedly crawled into his lap and felt his arms wrap around me. He clung to me, dropping his head to my shoulder and worked to calm his breathing.

"Now you know why I waited so long," he whispered. "I couldn't... This was me all the time, and you-"

"Stop," I interrupted. "It's okay."

"The hell it is," he shot back. "I never wanted you to fucking see me so..."

"So what?" I prompted.

"Weak. Fucked up. I-"

"You're not weak," I replied, a dry laugh working its way out of me. "Far from it."

"Bella..."

"No, you don't get to 'Bella' me. You may have made a ton of mistakes," I ignored his snort of agreement, "but you are _not_ weak. You've done more with your life than most people in your situation could ever hope to."

"You think so?"

"_Yes."_

He pressed a kiss to my shoulder and pulled back, resting his head on the wall behind him.

He looked exhausted, like he could sleep for days and it still wouldn't be enough.

"I'm kind of tired," I lied, hoping to help him in the only way I knew how. "Take a nap with me?"

"Bella, I can't fucking sleep right now."

"Just try. Please?" I pouted.

He grumbled and made a move to get up. I tried to clamber off of him, but he held me tight, and surprisingly managed to get us both off of the ground without dropping me.

He smirked when I looked at him in shock.

After we'd crawled under the covers, Edward immediately pulled me flush against him with a deep kiss, not releasing me until I was nearly out of breath, words of his love for me whispered against my lips.

I thought the weight of them, the way they made me feel, might crush me. I knew he needed me, just as I needed him. But seeing - hearing - such evidence of it made my heart ache.

"What caused it?" I eventually chanced.

He sighed and jerked his shoulder up. "I was fucking playing and thinking, and it just all... Jesus, I don't know what got into me. I thought I was fine - fine for me, anyway. I've been going through her stuff every week. I-"

He didn't finish, nor did I press him further. There was no need for any more explanation; he'd simply had a bad day.

Once settled in together, my hands went into his hair, running through the silken, auburn strands slowly. I didn't dare touch his face, too afraid to cause another panic attack. And for just a moment, hatred clouded my vision. I hated Elizabeth for what she'd done to him. For making him wary, hurt, broken, scared.

"I hate her," I said fiercely. It was the first time I'd openly admitted it, and I wasn't sure what his reaction would be.

His hold tightened on me. "I know. God, I fucking know."

My fingers grazed the back of his neck; his eyes flew open, whole body tensing.

"I'm sorry. I'll-"

"No," he drew in a shuddering breath, "please. Just keep..."

I swallowed. "Okay."

And soon, we both drifted away.

xx

I woke up before Edward. I stared at him for a moment, marveling at how much more relaxed he looked than he had before he'd fallen asleep. Regardless of the fact that he was actually getting rest every night, he was wearing himself thin. Too thin.

A break from it all in Forks would do him - us - some good.

I carefully extricated myself from his arms and his bed, and then went over to the bag I kept stocked here and pulled out some gym clothes.

"You need a drawer or something," Edward mumbled sleepily.

I twisted around and smiled. "Go back to sleep."

He shook his head and yawned. "Where are you going?"

"To work out."

He was quiet, watching me change into a sports bra.

When I put on my blue yoga pants, he slid out of bed and headed over to me. "I'm coming with you."

"Why? I'm just going for a run today."

He cupped my ass and squeezed, lifting me up so that I straddled his waist. "Good. I'll get on whichever machine's behind you and watch."

I giggled when his stubble scratched at my neck, tickling me. "Sounds pretty boring," I gasped.

He straightened up and stared down at me, hot and heavy. "Bella," he said, dragging my name out slowly. "Blue yoga pants. Your ass. While you're_ running_. That would be this fucker's heaven."

"But won't it bounce?" I asked, a nervous blush creeping into my face. "I don't want you watching my ass jiggle."

He propped me up against the wall and snaked one hand between us, pinching the skin at my stomach. "Don't even fucking go there."

I went to push his hand away. It was all I could do not to whine, "Edward, stop touching my fat."

"For fuck's-" He huffed. "You're almost as bad as me, you know that?"

I gaped up at him.

"You see yourself all wrong. You're not this pudgy, short thing you perceive yourself to be. You're small, yeah, but you fit against me just fucking so. Soft in all the right places. Places _I_ get to put my hands on. Your hair is not this stringy mess you bitch to Alice about. It's pretty, Bella, and falls over your tits when you're riding me in a way that makes me practically come on the spot. Your eyes... Lips..." He paused and swallowed hard. "And your heart... Damn it, I think all the time how fucking lucky I am that, out of everyone else around, you want _me_."

I was speechless, save for one thing. "You really see me like that?"

He put me down and started toward his dresser. "I think I've said this repeatedly: it's not just me, baby. There's a line of fuckers waiting for me to screw up."

"But I-"

He rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed with my refusal to believe him. He jerked open the bottom drawer, gathered everything in his arms in one quick swoop, and tossed it all on the bed. "There's your drawer. I'll talk to Jasper about one in the bathroom for you later."

"Uh..." Apparently, we were done with that conversation. "Thanks?"

"Yep."

"Isn't this like, some big step for guys or something? The concession of a drawer?"

He scowled. "How the hell would I know?" And then he got nervous. "You don't have to take it if you don't want to. I... I mean, I guess I should have-"

"No, I want it, Edward. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable with my stuff here, that's all."

He kicked his chin up. "I wouldn't have fucking done it if I didn't want it here."

_Good point. _

"Where are you going to put all that?"

"Doesn't matter."

_Okay..._

I dug through my bag for a tank top and slipped it on, stopping as soon as I realized that Edward was standing behind me. Waiting for...

I didn't know what.

"Hey," he murmured.

"Hmm?" I replied, focusing on the way my tank top laid against my hips instead of him. I was apprehensive about what he was going to say for some reason.

"Thank you. For earlier."

I spun around to face him. Not what I'd expected at all. "I didn't do anything."

One side of his lips lifted sheepishly; a hand came up to rub the back of his neck. "Yes, you did. You calmed me down. You were there for me when I- Thank you."

I took a step toward him, struggling for the words. "Don't thank me for that. You're... I love you. It's what you do for people you love."

"Maybe."

"No 'maybe' about it. You can't tell me that your family wouldn't do the same thing if you let them."

"They'd crawl in my lap?" he teased.

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean."

He nodded. "Want to hit the cages after your run?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I... I just want to do something normal with you after... Get back to us again."

"Edward, we're still us."

He shrugged. "I know. But I need..."

A distraction.

I understood completely.

"It's either that or a cigarette."

I pretended to be appalled. "But you're a non-smoker now!"

"Fuck that," he answered. "Right now I'd kill for just one hit. Maim, even."

I stood there and waited for him to finish. The look on his face told me there was more to it than just that stupid joke.

"But I have you now," he said, flicking a piece of my hair over my shoulder. "So I need to be good. I remind myself that a lot, you know. How _good_ I need to be for you."

I didn't comment on that. I was fairly certain the argument that would follow wouldn't be worth the time it consumed. Or the anger.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Run beside me while we're there? You can still watch my ass so long as you know how to put one foot in front of the other at a fast pace."

"Unlike you, huh?"

"Hey, I've never claimed to be anything but clumsy."

He smiled with that. "All right. So long as you keep your fucking self forward, I'll do it. I'm not in the mood to watch you do a faceplant on the treadmill today."

I giggled; he knew me well. "Deal."

* * *

><p>"You're better than you were before."<p>

I hit the next ball and looked back at Edward with a smile. "I've practiced."

I didn't mention who I'd practiced with, though.

"Shift your weight a little..." I leaned back. "Yeah. And pivot-"

Another ball was launched at me, and I worked to do as he said.

He shut down the machine to give me a break. "Goddamn, you got it."

A happy laugh bubbled out of me. I hurried to where Edward stood and passed the bat off to him. "Your turn."

He took the bat and grabbed a helmet on his way to the plate. He readied himself, and then nodded for me to start the machine back up.

Edward's swing was fluid, perfect, ingrained from years of practice with the Cullens. I'd forgotten how much I loved watching him play, how his muscles flexed as his body twisted. How great he was at it.

But, even with as good looking as he was, I got bored after a while.

So I made a little screech from my spot in the corner, pretending to fall a little just to mess him up. He swung and missed; his eyes were wide as he turned in my direction.

"I stumbled. Sorry."

He grinned, shook his head, and focused on the pitching machine again.

I bit back a laugh.

I let him hit two more balls, and then let out another screech right as he let loose to swing.

He missed.

"Fuck, Bella," he grumbled, glaring over at me.

Then his entire demeanor shifted when he saw my smile.

"Are you going to keep this up all night?"

"No," I said innocently.

He muttered something and turned away from me again.

Another few minutes went by, and I let out another well-timed sound.

He threw down the bat with a laugh and stalked over to me, pressing me against one of the poles. "Stop."

"Or what?"

"Or..." His eyes darted to my lips.

"There are kids around." One of the kids practicing in the adjacent cage laughed on cue.

He ran his index finger over my cheek, down the line of my neck until he was toying with my shirt. "Are you going to let me hit anything or did I just waste my money?"

"I haven't decided yet. You're just too good."

His answering laugh was warm, incredible.

Suddenly, I was worried about him again. He was back to his usual self, a complete turnaround from where he'd been earlier. And I couldn't help but think that it wouldn't last, that he'd have some other sort of attack before the day was through.

The smile slid off his face as he sensed my mood. He sighed and put his hands on my hips. "I scared you earlier."

Not a question.

"Yeah," I admitted. "You really did."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

He was quiet for a few seconds. "Our time's almost up."

"Already?"

"You used up most of it," he joked.

"So what do you want to do now?" I asked.

"Whatever you want."

"You," I answered unthinkingly.

"Done."

My entire body jolted with that one word. "Wait... _What?_"

His lips quirked with my surprised reaction. "It's easier. Not exactly the way I want it yet, but easier."

Any response I might have tried to say was stopped by the sound of someone talking right outside the cage.

"Irina, would you shut up already? It's not our turn yet."

Edward's jaw clenched at the sound of the voice. His eyes darted over to the two girls waiting outside the cages, and then back at me.

"Shit. Tanya."

I glanced over to find a girl with curly, blonde hair looking at us strangely.

Holy shit, she was pretty.

"I'm..." She kept blinking those big, blue eyes at me. "Uh, hi. We're up next. We're early, though."

Edward gazed past Tanya to find a younger version of her digging through her gear.

This Tanya person noticed Edward staring back at the other girl. "That's my sister, Irina. I promised our parents I'd bring her here."

"She's cute," I said.

Tanya snorted. "Don't let her appearance fool you. She's a spoiled shit."

I giggled under my breath.

"I didn't know you were into baseball, Edward."

"Yeah, uh, my brother's garage is in the local league every summer," he said tightly.

"Ah." Her eyes flickered between us questioningly.

He sighed, and then gave in with, "This is my girlfriend, Bella. Not that it's any of your business."

"Edward," I hissed, horrified by his rudeness. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's..."

"It's fine. I'm used to it." She smiled. "You're the girl from the picture."

"Picture?" I glanced up at Edward. "What picture?"

"Emmett sent me a picture of you from one of the games," he muttered. "It's... It was what made me go home and read your journal."

My brows shot up. "I'll have to be sure to thank him."

Edward fidgeted against me nervously. "We're done, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then we'll get out of your way," he said to Tanya.

"You don't have to," she started, but her sister was already barreling past us and into the cage.

Edward kissed my forehead before he started gathering our belongings up. The cage was crowded now, so I hurriedly got out of the way and stood with Tanya.

Not awkward at all.

"So how do you know Edward?" I asked, risking a glance at her reaction.

She laughed.

"Figures he wouldn't mention me."

I had no idea what that meant.

"We were lab partners last semester. And somehow got stuck together again this semester."

"Oh."

"We have a lot of the same classes together, actually," she continued. "Goes with being in med school, you know?"

"Yeah."

She faced me and let her eyes run over my frame, a curious expression on her face. "You're very pretty."

"Thanks," I mumbled. "So are you."

"How'd you do it?"

I blinked. "Do what?"

"Get Edward to open up," she elaborated. "I tried for months to be his friend, and as you can see, it's never actually worked out for me."

"Just friends?" I asked, cocking my brow.

Her smile returned. "Okay, so maybe I had a bit of a hidden agenda. I don't think you'd blame me, though. I mean, just look at him."

So I did. He was crouched over his black duffle, a sliver of skin peeking out between his shirt and track pants. He was hot.

He was mine.

Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach, making me feel nauseated. Tanya had no problem admitting she wanted Edward, and suddenly, I knew exactly how he felt when it came to Garrett. That, while I wasn't threatened by this girl - no matter how gorgeous and model-esque she might have been - there was something awful about finding out that she was around my boyfriend without my knowledge. She'd spent months trying to wriggle her way into his life. And Garrett had done the same. Maybe he'd stopped when Edward and I got back together. Maybe I'd chosen to overlook it. Whatever the case might have been, Edward didn't deserve it. He'd said it himself; he was trying so hard to be something good for me. And I _wasn't._

Lesson learned.

I smothered my tears with a laugh.

"I didn't do anything, really. Our relationship was..." I had to stop and regroup for a moment, and played it off like I was thinking. "I don't know how to explain it. Things were complicated at first. _Edward's_ complicated. But most of the complications are gone now, and we just... fit."

_God, I needed to get away from her before I made myself look like an idiot._

I let my eyes drift back to Edward, wondering why it took so long to throw a few things into his black duffle, and found him trying to help Tanya's sister, albeit extremely uncomfortably.

He wouldn't touch her, simply kept pointing out which parts of her stance were wrong.

"Edward, just reach over and move her leg the way you want it," I called out to him.

He paled at the suggestion.

"Excuse me for a second," I said to Tanya, quickly going back into the cage so that our conversation wouldn't be overheard. I had no idea what Edward let people know about himself and what he didn't.

Not to mention this wasn't really any of Tanya's business.

"Oh, come on," I said softly. "Stop living in your head and just do it."

"Baby, I-" He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth together.

Change of tactic.

I grabbed his hand and waited until he opened his eyes to speak again. They were wary, stormy. "Do you think you can?"

"I don't know," he said slowly. "I'm not concerned about physically touching her. It's the aftereffects that... I'm being stupid, aren't I? She's a kid."

"Well, not a kid exactly; more like middle school age. And no, you're not being stupid."

He exhaled slowly. "Okay."

"Just let go," I murmured. "Let it all stay where it belongs. In memories."

"Okay," he repeated.

I backed out of the cage and kept my eyes trained forward. There was no way that I was going to answer any questions Tanya might have about our little exchange.

Edward gave himself what looked to be a pep talk and took a hesitant step forward. After a ball had whizzed past them, he bent down and moved Irina's legs until he was satisfied. He stood up, brushed his hands over his thighs and instructed her further.

Whatever he'd said made a difference, and she beamed as the ball hit the back net of the cage.

"You're not going to tell me what that was about, are you?"

Seemed like my aversion plan didn't work.

"No," I said firmly.

I could see her lips form a pout in my peripheral.

I didn't bother acknowledging it.

Edward came out of the cage shortly after, and gave Tanya a terse wave before leading me back out to his car. I didn't talk, unsure of what to say, until we got to the Volvo. He opened the passenger's side door for me, fully expecting me to climb inside.

Only I couldn't.

I launched myself at him, causing him to stumble back a little as I wrapped my whole body around his.

"I'm sorry."

Tears sprang to my eyes again, so I buried my face against his chest. His scent was warm and clean, with just a hint of his cologne.

"So, so sorry," I blubbered.

"What the fuck?" He held me against him. "What are you sorry for?"

"Tanya likes you," I said slowly.

"Bullshit," he snipped.

"Is it?"

His hold tightened on me.

"Why haven't you mentioned her before?"

"Because she doesn't mean shit to me, Bella."

"Exactly. You... You don't give Tanya the time of day, and I... I encourage Garrett's stupid crush on me."

He groaned. "No. You don't."

"Stop trying to make me feel better," I sobbed. "I'm a horrible girlfriend."

"Bella..." He forced me down to the seat so he could look at my face. "Jesus, you're the best thing to ever happen to me. Why would you say that?"

"Because... because the second she implied that she was attracted to you I got sick. I knew what you felt when Garrett was around, what it was like to be on the other end. It made me realize that I've just been flaunting him in front of you."

"Stop that shit. You don't flaunt anything."

"I've been selfish. I didn't- I..." I started crying again because I couldn't form my thoughts into words. "I'm sorry."

He kissed me then, taking my face in his hands and melding his mouth to mine. His tongue was hot, taste was sweet. And soon, I couldn't breathe, utterly consumed by him.

"Why are you kissing me?" I wailed.

"Fuck, are you hormonal or something?" he ground out.

My jaw dropped.

"Listen to me, Bella. Why did you insist on hanging out with Garrett when you knew I didn't like him?"

"I... He was the first person I met here, I guess."

"It's more than that."

"Okay, he was the first, random person who saw me for me and not 'the girl who had the heart transplant' since... I can't remember. Your family did, but it was different. More like they didn't mention it because they wanted us together."

"Which is the reason why I don't say a fucking word."

I stared at him, dumbfounded.

"I see how good it is for you to have someone who doesn't give a shit that you had a heart transplant. You keep it so... You tell no one. Nobody knows you but just a select group of people. He's in that group. No matter how fucking jealous I am, how threatened he makes me feel, I would never make you give that up."

"But Tanya-"

"She's a fucking moron," he spat. "And has nothing to do with this."

"I..."

"I've seen you with him. He doesn't cross the line. For that, his fucking face stays intact. But I'm not so irrational that I can't recognize that there are times you can't help the way you feel. My God, I'm the perfect example of that. I tried so hard to deny what you do to me. And look where I ended up."

"Edward..."

"I'm not going to lie and say that I want you to hang out with him. I'm not going to tell you it doesn't make me uneasy. It does. Fuck, I hate it when he's around you. But I trust you. You're the only person I've ever trusted outside my family."

I think I whimpered with that.

His hand came up to cup my face. He kissed me again, this time pleadingly.

"Are you okay now?" he asked when he broke away.

I nodded fervently, though I wasn't so sure.

"Good," he breathed.

"I don't have to talk to him," I blurted out. "Just say the words and it's done."

"Bella-"

"You're more important to me than he is any day. I can't believe I've gone this long without making sure you know that."

"But I know, baby. I swear, I know."

I sighed in relief.

"So Tanya... I have three classes with her. Three classes where I listen to her squeal with her friend, Kate, and a lab where I try my fucking hardest not to touch her when we're looking over slides or dissecting our cadaver."

"Ew..."

"Well, you said I'd never mentioned her before."

"I did. Damn it, I did."

He chuckled and pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose before getting up and heading over to the driver's side of the car.

He slid inside and shut the door, entrapping us together.

"Do you know what bugs me the most about Garrett?" he asked quietly.

"No, what?"

"You laugh with him, talk to him. I don't do any of that with anyone else but you."

"You do with Jasper and Emmett."

His shoulder came up noncommittally. "I... I'm happy you fit in here. But I don't see where I fit in _with_ you sometimes. I'm not like you. I can't..."

And there it was. Another part of Edward that had been damaged by his mother.

"Don't you dare look at me that way," he said with the oh-so-familiar sneer.

I schooled my expression. "Sorry."

"Yeah."

"You need friends."

"I don't fucking need friends."

I gave him a level look.

"I wouldn't be good at it," he muttered.

My heart broke with his words. How could he ever think he'd be a lousy friend?

"Yes, you would." I leaned over toward him, until my head rested against his arm "You would be an amazing friend."

He snorted derisively in my ear.

"You're loyal, funny. Because of everything that you've been through, you don't judge people. You might not always know how to respond, but you listen to everything I say, even when I'm bitching you out for no reason."

"Shark week is a _big _fucking reason," he shot back playfully. "Hell, look at what I just had to deal with."

I smacked his chest, making him laugh. "It's not shark week, Edward."

"Fooled me."

_Ass._

"You know what the best thing about you is?" I asked him, gazing up into his eyes. They were so green tonight.

"What's that?"

"You're like a fricken' vault. You can keep a secret like no one else."

"I think I might fucking love you for that."

I giggled. "I think I might love you for putting up with my crazy tonight."

"Talk to me next time," he replied. "I know I'm shit at talking, but I'd rather not be uh, taken by surprise like that. You have no idea what was going through my mind, Bella. It was... yeah."

'Sorry' was on the tip of my tongue, but I shoved it down. I'd said it enough tonight. "Okay. But I still think you should branch out some on your own."

He winced.

"You don't have to touch anyone. Just talk to them. I think it would be good for you."

He cleared his throat, obviously finished with the subject. "Where do you want to go now?"

"Movies."

"And what are we seeing exactly?"

"Don't care. We aren't actually watching it."

He shifted and gave me a strange look. "Oh?"

"Nope. You know all those things I missed as a teenager?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, tonight we're going to cross one of those things off the list. We're going to make out in a dark, empty theater."

His hand shot out to the ignition, flicking the keys hastily.

I stifled a laugh.

"Just make out?" he questioned.

"Depends on how empty and dark the theater is," I hedged.

"_Fuck."_

Maybe.

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><p><strong>I've been mum on the whole Garrett thing because of this chapter, so I hope it answered some stuff for you all :)<strong>


	26. Chapter 26

**So... think FFn will cooperate this week? *snort***

**Anyways, as always, thank you for the reviews and adds this last chapter. I feel a bit repetitive, but I can't tell you how appreciative I am for every last one of them.**

**Thanks to Stratan for being the badass beta he is, and thanks to twilover76, stephk0525, and claireoth for prereading. Loves you guys!**

**Oh, yeah. Feel free to follow me on Twitter. FYI, though, I tweet way too much to be healthy. (at)JT040708**

* * *

><p>Chapter 26<p>

**Edward**

The car idled. The large, glass house loomed ahead. Everyone would be excited to see us... together.

Which was exactly why I couldn't move. I dreaded having to be the center of attention for the entire fucking weekend. Between Emmett's bullshit comments and Esme's fawning...

Son of a bitch.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat down to speak, but my words came out in a croak. "Tell me something about Maggie."

Bella's head whipped in my direction, her eyes large. "What? _Now?_"

Surely she knew me well enough to know why I couldn't go inside just yet, why I needed to psych myself up for this.

"Something I don't know. Whatever I haven't read."

"Um..."

"Anything, Bella," I pleaded. "Trivial bullshit. I don't care."

"Let me think, okay?"

I nodded once.

"Her favorite color was pink. Wait, you already know that."

I kept silent, hoping she'd think of something else.

"She lived in California for a while."

Now there was something new.

"When?"

"Um..." Her brows furrowed as she thought back to the file. "For two years after her adoption. Mr. Carr had been transferred to an office in San Diego. I think... No, the Carrs gave me a picture of her in Balboa Park."

I vaguely remembered seeing it. She'd looked so happy in it. The complete opposite of where I was at that time.

I shoved the hurt that thought created aside.

"Edward, your dad just looked out the window. He knows you're here."

"Fuck."

"They're your family. What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid," I protested. "I'm... I don't want to be the center of attention all weekend long. I-"

"Okay, so we won't," she interrupted breezily.

I stared at her blankly. "And how do you think we'll manage that? You know how they are."

"Well, Jasper came home too," she reasoned. "We can put some of the attention off on him with the whole Alice thing."

"But they're_ not _a thing."

"Yet."

I conceded that. As soon as he pulled his head out of his ass, it was guaranteed that he'd make some kind of move on Alice. I'd seen the way I felt about Bella reflected in him when Alice's name was brought up.

It was just a matter of time now.

"But that's not going to last for the entire trip."

"I need to see Charlie."

I broke out into a cold sweat. "Like a uh, family dinner with Charlie kind of thing?"

"It is Thanksgiving," she teased.

My grip tightened on the steering wheel to keep from freaking the hell out. I hadn't spoken to the chief in weeks. He'd want to make sure I followed his...

_Shit._

I wrenched my phone out of my pocket and Googled the number for one of the Seattle license branches.

"Edward?"

I held up a finger for her to wait. It was rude, but I had no other options.

I'd put this off for too long already and was going to pay for it if I didn't watch it.

I had no doubt of Chief Swan's ability to retaliate.

And that put the fear of fucking God in me.

"I need to know how to get into a defensive driving class."

I listened to half of the girl's spiel, and then cut her off.

"No, it's not court mandated. I just want to sign up for the next available class."

She stammered, surprised by my harsh tone, and then read off another number for me to call. I hung up with a quick thanks and dialed the new number, registering myself for a Saturday defensive driving class in three weeks.

Right at finals. Fuck me.

I turned back to Bella and found her sitting against the door, her arms crossed over her chest.

She didn't look too pleased.

"Defensive driving?"

"Uh..." I pushed my hair back. "Yeah."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with my father, would it?"

"Um..."

"And what, you had to agree with to find out where I lived? Or the fact that you've been driving slower than my Grandma Marie did when she was alive?"

"Maybe?" I squeaked.

She blew out a long, agitated breath. Her eyes flicked to the house then back at me again.

"She sat on a pillow when she drove to see out the windshield," she said conversationally.

"Guess it's a good thing you took after your mother on that," I replied, a little confused. I expected a shouting match or something.

"Are we going inside or not?"

"That's... _it_?"

"You told me I wasn't supposed to know. What can I do?"

Nothing, I guessed. I hadn't a fucking clue.

I was fairly certain that if Bella didn't have my hand, I'd have spun around and fled the fucking city. It was like walking to the electric chair or some other equally horrifying metaphorical scene. And when Carlisle opened the front door, I thought I might puke.

Until my brain caught up with my eyes and registered his reaction.

He took a step out the door, stopping as he spotted Bella walking beside me. His gaze dropped down to our joined hands, and then he burst into a smile.

And holy shit, I was glad I'd chosen to tell them this way. Seeing it made me...

Fuck, I was kind of proud of myself for coming this far. I wasn't delusional; I knew how much further I had to go. But Bella was here, accepting of me and all my flaws. There was, finally, a bit of the normality that I'd craved for so long in my life with bringing Bella home to meet the parents.

I wasn't so stupid as to take it for granted; instead, I'd use it as some kind of motivator to just keep _going_.

"Bella," he greeted, the smile still stretched wide across his face.

"Carlisle." Her fingers flexed against mine.

"You're..." He let his eyes drift back to me. "Thank God."

I peeked over at Bella. She was blushing.

Goddamn it.

I shifted, hoping to hide the way that blush affected me. "Yeah, we uh... I guess I got over myself."

Carlisle laughed and focused on Bella again. "So how's school, the heart? I haven't heard from you since you left."

"You act like that's a bad thing."

Another laugh. "No, it's definitely good. It means your meds are working out for you."

"So far, so good."

I gave them an odd look.

"I um, I had a consult with your dad before I left for school," she said awkwardly.

"Okay?"

"What I was on before wasn't really... I mean, if sex came up..."

Something about that pissed me off; although, given my past indiscretions, I had no right to feel that way. But just the thought that she was planning to go to college and lose her virginity to some-

"It was in case you came back," she murmured, reading me perfectly. "There was a chance I'd see you, and I wanted... No, _hoped _you'd..."

My ire died. "Yeah?"

She nodded and smiled. "Ask your dad."

"HIPAA," he coughed, apparently trying to keep out of the discussion.

Not that there was anything to discuss, anyway. Her confession didn't make me want to talk at all. It made me want to take her to my bedroom and prove to her how right her decision was.

_Later._

"Carlisle, honey, what are you doing leaving the door wide open in November?" Esme scolded loudly from the foyer.

The second she stepped outside, though, everything changed. Her mouth popped open, her body frozen as she stared at Bella. Then me.

Back to Bella again, her hand flew up to her heart. "Bella," she said with this gasp I'd never heard before.

She was happy. So fucking happy.

"Hi, Esme," Bella said warmly. "Hope you don't mind me crashing your holiday."

"Are you kidding?" she nearly squealed. I cringed at the pitch of her voice. "I just... I... I'm-"

"You've made your mother speechless," Carlisle laughed. "I can't believe it."

"Shut up, you old man," Esme snapped out, a playful smirk sliding over her face.

_"Old?"_ he retorted. "I'll have you know the forties are the new thirties, love."

God, I'd missed them.

She bounded down the steps and over to us, needing to hug Bella. The second she pulled her close, a piece of me shifted. Warmed. Melted. I wasn't sure how to describe it. I just knew that there was something about the way Esme kissed Bella's cheek - accepted her as her own - that opened my eyes, changed me further.

_This _was what I'd wanted to deny myself?

I'd been such a fucking idiot.

Esme eventually released her after talking with her for a while. I didn't know what was said, but the tears in Bella's eyes had me panicked.

But then she smiled at me.

After greeting Esme and giving her just enough of the story of how Bella took my idiot ass back - no questions asked - to sate her curiosity, I hung back with Bella for a moment, needing to just fucking touch her for a second, feel how real it all was. That it wasn't some dream, a nightmare preying on my hopes instead of the past.

Because in each, I was terrified of what was at stake. My sanity, my future... the life I knew now.

"Your mom made me cry," she said with a small laugh, unaware of the turmoil inside me.

When my skin connected with hers, everything stabilized. Calmed.

"She's good at that," I mumbled.

"Are you okay?" she asked, somehow catching on.

"Yeah," I answered, ignoring how hoarse my voice sounded. I interlaced our fingers again and led her to the house.

The smells of Esme's cooking wafted around us, growing stronger with every step. My stomach growled, causing Bella to glance over with a frown.

"Mom's food. What do you expect?"

"I've never actually tasted your mom's food."

"How is that...?"

"The only time she cooked when I was around last summer was on your birthday. And I distinctly remember filling my plate up but being unable to eat anything."

Shit. I knew where this was headed.

"_Someone_ was pissed off at me."

"_Someone_ was being a fucking dumbass," I shot back. "And going through severe nicotine withdrawals, I might add."

"Nicotine withdrawals," she replied thoughtfully. "Nice excuse."

"I thought so."

We hovered just inside the door, talking with my parents until the timer went off on the oven. Esme wrapped her arm around Bella's shoulders, and - without so much as a glance to me or my father - led her to the kitchen, still rambling to Bella about the gossip she'd missed since going to Seattle.

I forgot sometimes how much people talked in small towns.

"She stole my girlfriend," I said in disbelief.

"Why are you surprised?" Carlisle asked me. "Bella knows how to cook, right?"

"Yeah."

"Rose doesn't. Now Esme has someone to keep her company in the kitchen every holiday."

"Son of a..."

He chuckled. "Might as well get used to it."

I glanced around the room, finally noticing my surroundings. "Mom painted."

"It's one whole shade darker," he muttered sarcastically.

I barked out a laugh. "How'd she convince you to do it?" Then I shook my head. "Never mind. I don't want to fucking know."

My dad gave me a toothy grin.

Goddamn, that was a disgusting thought.

But then it abruptly got serious. "How are you?"

"Better," I responded, trying hard not to fidget.

"You're going to have to give me more than that," he said. "Your mother will grill me later."

I sighed. "Okay, I'm still going to therapy, as you know."

He nodded.

"But Bella's been coming with me."

"Couples therapy?"

"Not exactly," I murmured. "It's mostly an extra session for me. On relationship stuff. Things Bella can listen to and get insight from. And when she has a concern, she voices it."

"Does she? Have concerns, I mean."

"Just one," I answered, walking over to my baby grand. Fuck, I felt like letting my fingers fly over the keys in some Liszt piece to work some of this anxiety out. "She's afraid of me leaving her again."

"Understandable."

"I don't know how I didn't fuck her up more. I was the first guy she let herself fall for and I just..._ left._"

"Edward-"

I shrugged whatever he was about to say away. No use delving into that particular subject. "I've been helping out at one of the shelters downtown."

"Which one?"

I simply looked at him. No way was I giving him easy access to that. He'd check up on me.

He held a hand up in surrender. "What do you do there?"

"Mostly help out at dinner. They're remodeling, so occasionally, I go in a little early and help paint or fix... whatever. I... I should have gone to one."

"What?"

"In Chicago. There was a place a few blocks from where... I should have gone. I was stupid not to."

"You would have been tossed into the system. Then your mother and I..."

The silence that followed was deafening, the look on Carlisle's face painful.

"I think I'm going to play for a while." I lifted the lid and gingerly ran my hands over the ivory keys. "The upright in Seattle's just not the same."

xx

"Hi," Bella whispered as she sat down next to me on the piano bench.

"Hi." I stopped playing and glanced over at her. I hadn't even realized she'd come into the room until she'd spoken.

"What is that?"

"What I was working on the morning after we..."

"Wow. You turned it into that? It's beautiful."

I looked away.

"Please believe me." Her hand came up to cover mine. "It really is beautiful."

"It's not Maggie's," I countered.

"Maggie's was made to show off what she could do. This is... This is_ you_."

"It's..." I shook my head, still denying her words. "How much longer till dinner?"

"Another hour."

I heard Emmett's boisterous laugh from the kitchen and scowled. He and Rosalie must have come in from the garage.

"Take a walk with me. I'm feeling a little claustrophobic."

"Emmett?" she asked. But she already knew the answer.

"Yeah."

She got up and moved toward the sliding door at the back deck, waiting for me just outside to let me choose our direction.

But I didn't want to walk aimlessly through the woods.

I took her down to the Sol Duc.

The sun peeked out from the clouds; a glint of light flashed off a piece of amber glass.

I laughed.

"What's so funny?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at me.

She was crouched down at the riverbank, her hand making patterns in the icy water.

Fuck, I wanted to take her back to Falls Creek.

No, what I really wanted to do was_ fuck her_ at Falls Creek.

Too bad the weather wouldn't allow it for another few months.

"Last time I was here, I was trying to figure out how to get rid of you," I answered.

"Really?"

I pointed to the broken bottle. "Yeah."

"With beer? That surprises me."

I shrugged. "I wanted to stop thinking - feeling - again. But the more I drank, the more I did just that. I thought about you, Chicago, what the beer in my hand would do to me..."

"But you know you're not an addict."

"Before, I was afraid those few beers would turn into a case. The case would turn into two. And so on and so on until I was like... them."

She simply watched me as I closed the distance between us.

"I didn't want that for you, but I had no idea how to stay away from you. I can't... I can't even begin to tell you how afraid I was to touch you."

I crouched beside her and placed my hand over her heart. Touching her made everything feel right, like the broken pieces of my soul came together to form _me,_ when I'd been such a chaotic mess before.

"Seems so fucking ridiculous now," I murmured.

The atmosphere shifted between us as Bella and I stared at each other. Fuck, it was nice to sit here without anything but the sound of the river between us, and I realized how drained I was. Med school was hard as hell. And I'd added all of those therapy sessions, Maggie, on top of it. I knew I needed to slow down, but I couldn't, too afraid to revert to what I was before. Become stuck again.

Reluctantly, I stood. Cleared my throat. "Come on. Can't avoid my asshole brother forever."

* * *

><p>Bella and I sat in the armchair together, stuffed full from dinner and wrapped in a blanket while Rosalie tried to find a movie we'd all agree on. Bella had seen every movie we owned, citing that Charlie would come to the hospital in Phoenix with a bundle of DVDs in his arms each visit. They'd watch them together, from morning to night, until visiting hours were over. Until his stay in Phoenix was over and he was forced to go back to Forks, to his job. His life.<p>

She said it so matter-of-factly. Like it wasn't her past she was commenting on, but someone else's. Like she hadn't been fighting to live and was just down with something common like the flu.

Her strength astounded me sometimes.

Surprisingly, Emmett kept his comments under control. When we'd come back up to the house, he'd simply given us that huge, dimpled grin and said "About fucking time" before he nearly tossed Bella in the air trying to hug her. Then, he'd slapped my shoulder and walked out of the room to answer a phone call.

I had a feeling Esme had something to do with it.

Not that I was complaining.

Rosalie jerked a DVD out of the cabinet in exasperation. "We're watching this. If you don't like it, get out of the room."

She opened up a DVD case and popped the disc into the player before any of us could argue.

_Breakfast at Tiffany's._

My brothers and I collectively groaned.

"Bite me," Rose snapped.

"No, thanks. That's Emmett's job," Jasper shot back.

Bella tipped her head up to whisper, "Have you even seen this?"

"No."

"Have you read the book?"

"There's a fucking book?"

She laughed quietly. "Capote wrote it. Holly Golightly is actually a bisexual prostitute."

"And they made_ this_ out of it?" I asked incredulously. "Don't they kiss in the rain or some shit at the end?"

She shrugged.

I watched the title sequence and tried not to beat my head against the wall.

"I'd rather watch the bisexual prostitute version," Emmett muttered.

"I told you to leave if you didn't want to see it," Rosalie huffed.

Emmett glanced over at me pleadingly.

Bella snuggled closer to me.

"I'm good," I told him.

"Son of a..." Emmett griped. "Bella, I swear if I didn't like you so much..."

She blinked at him. "What did I do?"

I glowered at my brother. "Nothing."

He grumbled a little, but shut up.

Thank fuck.

Not long after the movie started, Bella sagged against me, almost like she was drifting off to sleep. Each time I thought she'd finally passed out, she'd move and yawn, forcing herself to stay awake.

Eventually, I glanced at the clock, noticed that it was almost eleven, and said to hell with the rest of the movie.

I didn't give a shit to see if I was right about the ending, anyway.

"Bed?" I murmured.

She nodded.

We got up and started out of the room, only to be stopped by Esme.

"Bella, sweetie, your stuff is in the guest room if you need it."

Emmett snickered from the couch.

"You have got to be kidding me," I said under my breath.

Bella gave Esme a sleepy smile. "Okay, thanks."

After a quick goodnight to everyone, we made it upstairs. Bella kept going toward the guest room, bypassing my bedroom completely, but I grabbed her up and brought her to me.

"I don't think so."

"Edward, your mom put my stuff in there for a reason."

"And?"

She rolled her eyes and pulled my face down for a kiss. "I'll miss you."

I let out a string of curses. Esme and her need for propriety. "Fine. I'll see you in the morning."

I waited until Bella had disappeared behind the door before stepping into my room. I changed and brushed my teeth, and then yanked back the covers and crawled into bed.

One hour.

Two.

Three.

I kept tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling and puffing out agitated breaths of air. The room was fucking dark and quiet, and I was used to having Bella's body curled up against me to sleep. Not only that, but as much as I hated to admit it, I was afraid to close my eyes. The last time I'd fallen asleep in this room I'd had nightmare after nightmare, panic attack after-

The door creaked open, and Bella shuffled inside.

I instantly jerked the covers off of me.

"You couldn't sleep either?"

"Nope. Apparently, I'm dependent on this little brunette for sleep."

She climbed in next to me and put her arm over my chest. Shit, she was in my bed. The bed I'd fantasized about taking her in for months. It was enough to make me hard as hell and vacillate between going against what my mother wanted and taking Bella as_ I _wanted.

She curled up beside me, her hips pushing into my thigh.

I chose what I wanted.

"Fuck it," I said lowly, rolling over so that I could kiss her.

Her mouth met mine, moving as if she'd been thinking of this very thing for hours now. Her fingers dug into the muscles at my back, bringing me closer to her. Her hips surged against me as she grappled with my t-shirt, tugging it over my head and tossing it to the wayside.

"Slow down, baby. God," I groaned when her fingers skimmed under the waistline of my boxers, when she took them and shoved them past my hips, taking me into her hand, "slow down."

"Edward," she gasped when my lips found a particularly sensitive spot on her neck.

"And be quiet. The last thing I need is one of my fucking parents coming in here when I'm balls deep inside you."

She bit back a moan.

Satisfied that she wasn't going to draw attention to us, I started undressing her. Taking my time with removing every article of clothing until she was laid bare beneath me. Moonlight spilled into the room, highlighting Bella's curves, the way her chest heaved when I stroked her. Damn, how I wanted her. I wanted her in my arms, enveloping me, slick and hot and needy. With nothing between us, separating us.

My heart raced.

_Holy shit._

"You're fucking beautiful, Bella," I murmured. "So fucking..."

Her dark eyes flared, watching me as I started loving her with my mouth. Slow. Gentle. Exactly how it should be after today, after fitting in so perfectly with my family, putting up with my bullshit, anxious quirks.

I kissed her calf, tasted the back of her knee, where it grew salty with sweat as I worked her up. She writhed the closer I got to her sex, hips flexing, seeking, needing... She grabbed at the pillow and muffled her moan in it the second I licked her.

"God, you're so good at that," she ground out, her legs instinctively trying to close against my head as my tongue flicked at her clit.

I hummed against her, and she made a little squeak above me, her hips jerking up as pleasure shot through her.

"Coming… coming," she panted.

Not what I'd had in mind. So I turned my head and kissed at the juncture of her thighs, bringing her down before I put my mouth on her again.

"Oh," she moaned, curling her toes up when I put my fingers inside her.

It was a slow form of torture to feel her reactions to my movements, taste them. Heaven and hell, all rolled into one. By the time I was done, my body was fucking wound tight with how much I needed her.

I shook above her, the warm comfort of her smile doing me in.

"You've taken all your meds, right?" I asked, quaking more. "Your birth control?"

Her brow knit. "Yeah?"

That was all I needed to know. I lined us up, nervous as fuck. "I want to try something, okay? Just don't move."

If I was going to follow through with this, I needed her to be still. Absolutely fucking still.

"Edward-?"

"Please," I begged. Even my voice trembled now. "Please. Don't fucking move."

"Wha-?

I sank into her, cutting her words off. I clenched my jaw to keep from groaning too loud at the feel of her around me. I stayed like that for a moment, breathing harder than I wanted to fucking admit I was. By the time I thought I could move again without coming immediately, she arched up against me with a moan, and I had to bring my hand up to cover her mouth.

"Shh," I said, my lips curling at the shocked expression on her face. "Carlisle sleeps like the dead, but Esme doesn't."

She made a garbled sound against my hand.

"You feel fucking insane, baby." I pulled my hips back and slowly pushed into her again. Repeated the movement. Her heels dug into my ass, urging me faster.

I complied. She rolled her hips in time with my thrusts, faster, harder with each pass, causing me to grunt.

"So goddamned good."

I wasn't going to last long. And I knew if I was on top, there would be no stopping me from pulling out of her before I came. Before I-

Without warning, I flipped us over. Bella let out a surprised squeal and settled down on my hips again. I gave her ass a light tap of chastisement.

"Ride me."

Her hips rocked against mine once, and then stopped. Her brow arched in challenge.

"Bella," I said sharply. "Stop being a tease and fuck me."

"Why should I?"

"Because it's my favorite position. Not only do I have easy access to your ass, I get to do this..."

I brought my hand to where we were joined and pressed the heel of it against her.

"No fair," she breathed.

"But you like it."

Again I did it, this time twisting my hand so that my thumb found her, wet and swollen. She stuttered out a breath and started moving with me.

Up and down, back and forth. She leaned forward and used the headboard to gain leverage. Her hair fanned down around us, her tits right where I could reach them.

"Oh, shit," she hissed when I wrapped my mouth around one, thrusting up as she came down.

I glanced up at her, flicked my tongue over her nipple, and jokingly muttered, "Shut up, Swan."

"Like... they can't hear... your bed squeak."

She had me there.

I wanted it to stay like that. Playful and light. But as always, my shit got in the way, darkened it... ruined it. I could feel my orgasm building, feel hers as her body tightened around me. I kept trying to focus on her, make it so she came so hard she went limp, but panic gripped me, clawing its way out, forcing me to start to break contact with her, pull back.

Her hands fell from the headboard and found my face. "Edward, no," she said firmly. "You can't do anything to me."

"Bella-"

"I want it. You. All of you," she continued. "Please."

She was so earnest in her declaration; I needed to be closer to her. I wrapped my arms around her and brought her against me, kissing her, feeling her soft, slick skin slide over mine with each pass. Each murmur broken and lost in ecstasy.

Until I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I groaned her name into her chest, into that spot where her heart hammered at her ribs. I clung to her tighter and tighter as I came inside her, vaguely aware that the grip I had on her was likely hurting her. But I couldn't let go until my body had calmed down, my breathing steady again.

My muscles were sore as I released her, and I checked her over, seeing red marks pop up instantly as the blood flowed back to her limbs.

"Oh, fuck, baby." I shuddered and pushed her off of me, suddenly terrified to get anywhere near her. "I'm sorry. I-"

She watched me put distance between us with a little tilt of her head.

"What are you sorry for?"

"Are you fucking-? Bella, there are red welts all over your arms from me grabbing at you."

She picked up her arm and regarded it in the moonlight. "I bruise easily," she finally said with a shrug.

I let out a bitter laugh. "Jesus Christ."

She put one leg out in front of her. "See that?" She pointed to a dark spot on her shin. "I barely grazed the coffee table yesterday and got that out of it. I've got a bump on my elbow, too, from knocking it on a chair in class last week."

I huffed. "Where are you going with this?"

"Don't you think if you actually hurt me, I'd make some kind of noise?" she returned.

"I... I guess," I admitted.

"And did I?"

"Fuck, I - No."

"Then stop freaking out. I know this was a big step, but do you..." She trailed off and tried to bite her lip in an effort to hide her smile.

"What?" I asked, inching closer to her.

"Do you have any idea how good that was for me?"

My heart halted its beat.

"It was so..." She glanced away.

Ten bucks said she was blushing.

And here I was trying to fuck up that feeling for her.

I should be muzzled.

After we were dressed again, Bella made a move to return to the guest room.

"Stay," I said, reaching out for her.

"But your mom..."

"I need you to stay," I said quietly. I fucking hated feeling this way, like the bottom was going to drop out on me again. But it was inevitable. Every time I did something so extreme, went against every instinct I had to rebuild my walls, I got leery.

Because progress could only last so long. Each new step forward made me wonder when I'd backtrack again.

She picked my phone up off of the nightstand and set the alarm on it. "Just for a few hours. Your parents are important to me already, Edward. I don't want to mess it up."

"Really?"

She nodded. "They have been from the day I met them. They _all_ have."

_Because you were meant to be a Cullen_, I though with sudden clarity_. _

_You were meant to be mine._


	27. Chapter 27

**Thank you everyone for the reviews this last chapter! I'm glad everyone seemed to like it!**

**Since Dear Maggie was featured as FotW on The Lemonade Stand, it's up for Fic of the Month. Along with some amazing others. So go vote for your favs please! **

**http:/ kwiksurveys .com/ online-survey. php?surveyID=LODOFH_a26f809a**

**Thanks to Stratan for beta'ing, and thanks to stephk0525, twilover76, and LamkinsLou for prereading**

**Quick note: Edward might've realized that Bella belonged with him and his family (finally), but that doesn't mean he's popping the question in the near future. Or their near future, anyway ;)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 27<p>

**Bella**

"Hey, Dad!" I called, opening the front door. "We're here!"

The smell of turkey baking in the oven greeted us as soon as we stepped inside.

"Oh, shit. Charlie's trying to cook." I tore through the house, leaving Edward to stand in the living room on his own.

I skidded to a stop at the threshold, thinking that maybe I was imagining things. Renee and Phil were in the kitchen, chopping celery and onions, while my dad mixed the dry ingredients for cornbread stuffing. Sweet potatoes and green beans boiled in pots on the stove, chicken and dumplings were in a long forgotten Crock-Pot by the sink, and there were pies sitting on the table. Bread rising in a bowl in the corner.

_No. Way._

"Mom? Phil?" I whispered.

Renee spun around and smiled. "Surprise, baby!"

"What are you...? What are you uh...?" I couldn't seem to form anything coherent through the grin plastered on my face. "Hi."

And then I was suddenly wrapped up in my mother's arms. She smelled like some kind of floral concoction, most likely something new she'd picked up at the mall in Phoenix, and I was thrown back to a memory. Sitting on the edge of the tub in my mother's bathroom as a child, watching her get ready while surrounded by the many different cosmetic products she always tried. Waiting for her to dust a little eye shadow on my lids and pretend like she was applying lipstick to my tiny lips.

Home.

"I missed you," she murmured. "Christmas was too far away, so I called your dad and intruded on his holiday with you."

Charlie made an opposing grunt beside us. "Don't let her fool you, Bells. I had a conversation with her about you coming with Edward, and your mother booked the next flight out."

"Charlie!" Renee shouted in my ear.

"You didn't," I said, pulling away.

The look on her face told me it all.

"Mom!"

"What?" she said, unable to look at me directly. "I really did miss you."

"Nice excuse," I said dryly.

"Oh, don't be mad." She smoothed out her green sweater and glanced over my shoulder. Her eyes bulged. "Whoa."

I turned around and found Edward standing right where I had just a few seconds before. He was awkward, nervous, fidgeting with his arms and looking absolutely gorgeous in his jeans and rumpled blue t-shirt.

His eyes shifted to mine, dark and unreadable.

I gave him a reassuring smile. "Mom, this is Edward Cullen. Edward, my mom, Renee Dwyer."

"Nice to meet you," he said lowly, his hand coming up to run over the back of his neck.

"Sorry. No one thought to warn me she was coming or else I would have prepped you a little."

Renee jabbed me in the ribs; Charlie simply laughed.

"Phil," I finally said to my step-dad, "you're awfully quiet over there."

"Just trying to stay out of trouble," he chuckled.

My eyes narrowed suspiciously. His attention went back to the celery stalk in his hands.

Hoping that maybe I was reading too much into the situation I asked, "Need us to do anything?"

"The sweet potatoes should be just about done. You could start on the casserole?" Renee replied.

"Sure."

I went across the room and took Edward's hand, dragging him over to the stove with me.

"I thought you said your parents alternated the big holidays every year."

"They do."

"Then..."

"Did you not just hear my dad? I wasn't kidding when I said Renee was overprotective of me. The no sleepovers and parties thing? Just the tip of the iceberg."

"So, Edward, Charlie tells me you're in med school?" Renee started.

"Here goes..." I breathed.

Edward gave me a funny look, and then nodded his confirmation.

"What kind of doctor do you plan to be?"

"Cardiothoracic surgeon," he answered without hesitation. He flashed me a smile.

Renee started to stutter, her eyes dancing between all of us, unsure how to say what it was on her mind.

But I knew my mother well.

"Yes, Mom. He knows," I told her, taking the pot of sweet potatoes over to the sink to dump into the colander and drain.

"Oh, okay." She turned her attention back to the vegetables on the cutting board. "You have family here?"

"My parents and two brothers," he replied.

"All boys, huh?"

"All boys," Edward affirmed.

"Bella, how come they're not here?" Renee asked me.

"Uh..."

"They had to work, Mrs. Dwyer."

She frowned. Whether it was from Edward's formality or the fact that none of his family would be here, I couldn't tell.

"What does your family do?"

"My dad has a practice located inside the hospital. Mom's an architect. My brother, Emmett, owns a garage in town and my other brother, Jasper, is in his last year of med school."

She blinked. "Strong gene pool."

Edward's expression darkened. "We're adopted."

Renee was completely oblivious to Edward's change in mood. "Oh, really? That's nice." she asked. "How old were you all?"

"Edward, could you get in that cabinet and pull out the sage?" Charlie interjected. He had absolutely no idea how bad Edward's past was, but he knew enough to divert my mother's questioning. "We need sage, right, Bella?"

I absolutely loved my dad.

"Yeah."

Edward cleared his throat and did as requested, coming right back to my side when he'd given Charlie the jar of spice.

"That wasn't so bad, I guess."

"Maybe," I said under my breath. "I'm not so sure yet."

"What?"

I dumped the sweet potatoes in the mixer and turned it on, watching my mother as she cooked. She was chewing at her lip and sneaking looks over at Edward, her brow furrowing in thought each time she did. Her movements got more pronounced and aggravated as she moved through the kitchen. I wasn't sure what had been discussed beforehand, but the strange knot in my stomach didn't make me feel too keen on the situation.

She plopped a bag of red potatoes down and started peeling them. She was going to turn on us, and fast.

"Five, four, three, two..."

She spun around, her eyes only on Edward, and blurted out, "Charlie told me you snuck in my daughter's room and stayed the night with her when she lived her."

I groaned. _Loudly._

"Which is the reason you were able to call an ambulance so quickly when he had his heart attack."

Bent over and put my forehead on the edge of the counter, barely resisting the urge to stomp my foot.

"And why he isn't sitting with a shotgun in his lap after you broke her heart."

I could feel Edward tense beside me, his feet shuffling minutely toward the door.

"You told her?" I almost shrieked at Charlie.

"She asked if it was new. I told her 'not exactly'. You can guess what happened from there." I could feel his eyes on me. "She's your mom. You should tell her what's going on, Bella."

I merely groaned again and straightened up. He wasn't just referring to the fact that Edward and I had any kind of romantic history. He was referring to Maggie, and everything that had spiraled from there.

"Care to explain?" Renee asked Edward, her brow arching, knife in hand.

God, it was like some slasher film in here. Crazed mom attacks the boy daughter loses her virginity to.

"Seriously? Put the knife down, Mom."

She obliged, but was still waiting for Edward's answer.

"I... had a rough childhood," he managed, "and took it out on your daughter."

Renee's eyes flashed in panic.

"Not like that," I hurried. "What kind of person do you take me for?"

Charlie snorted. "Told you, Renee."

She gave my dad a sour look, and then turned her focus to me. "I don't think he's good for you. In fact, I know he's not."

"He_ is _good for me," I replied angrily. "You have no idea."

"Whose fault is that?" she retorted.

I huffed, pressing my lips together so I didn't tell her everything. I was going to have to be very thoughtful in my explanation.

And I was too pissed off from her words to do so then.

"Why exactly do you think he's not good for me?"

"Because, Bella, you would never do something so careless if you were still back in Phoenix."

"Nothing happened."

"Oh?"

I could feel my face flame up. "Not then, anyway."

Charlie dropped the pan he'd just taken out of the cabinet; it skid across the floor with a clatter.

Renee was just... _frozen_.

"Sorry, Dad."

He let out a breath and closed his eyes, almost as if he regretted having to ask his next question. Which I was sure he did. "You two are safe?"

"Yeah. No unexpected grandkids are on their way; I promise."

Edward choked beside me.

"What?"

He shook his head once and looked away.

"Renee, talk about something else, please. I told you the circumstances with these two were different."

"Charlie-"

"Renee," he said sharply. Mom instantly stopped her argument. It was very rare that Charlie Swan spoke that way. "She's happy. _They're_ happy. Don't ruin Thanksgiving dinner for her."

"Fine," she sniffed and turned back to the potatoes sitting on the counter.

But dinner _was_ ruined.

Edward acted strange the entire time, shifting and avoiding my eyes while we ate. Renee was quiet, still obviously angry with me for not confiding in her.

And Charlie and Phil were busy trying to keep out of it, shoveling food into their mouths so they didn't have to speak to any of us.

Unable to take much more awkwardness, I dropped my fork to the plate with a sigh. "I came to Forks to find Edward, Mom."

Her eyes snapped to mine, wide and confused. "You what?"

"I..." I rubbed my hands over my face. "I don't even know where to begin."

"The beginning, baby," Edward murmured.

I nodded, grateful he'd said something at all. "After my surgery, I started wondering where the heart came from. Who she was."

"They said you might," Renee stated.

Phil put his hand on her arm to stop her interruption.

"It was more than that, though. I... It was like an obsession. I'd wake up thinking of a song I'd never heard or listen to someone playing the piano and get this weird feeling in my chest."

"They said that could happen too."

Phil's grip tightened.

"What?" she asked. "I'm just commenting."

"I know." I took a calming breath. "It got bad. Really bad. I was desperate for it to stop one day and had dad look her up."

I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for Renee's outburst.

And found nothing but silence.

I opened one eye and was met with her utterly lost expression.

I think that was possibly worse. Because it reinforced my fear that she wouldn't understand any of it.

"I even met her parents."

"You..." Renee trailed off and glanced over at Charlie. "You knew? You encouraged it?"

"I didn't encourage it," Charlie explained. "But I didn't discourage it either. She needed something, Renee. She needed something neither of us could give her."

"Let me guess: she found it?" Renee snapped back.

"I think she did," he answered evenly.

I started talking again to keep things from getting too heated between my parents. They rarely fought, but when they did...

Yikes.

"Her parents gave me a lot of information about her, and I loved having a way to get to know the girl who gave me... Well, who gave me my life back, really. But there was still something missing. Some _nagging _thing that wouldn't let go of me.

"And then I came across something. Maggie - my donor - had a brother. They'd both been adopted-"

The look of horror on my mother's face stopped me in my tracks.

"Please," I begged. "Don't look at me like that."

"He's the brother," she said robotically.

"Yes," I whispered, deciding to glaze over the details. "I didn't come here to fall in love. I came here... I wanted him to know he had a sister and that she had an amazing life while she was alive, and that she gave me a chance. I wanted- I don't know, actually."

"And you do? Love him?" she asked carefully.

"Yes," I repeated, just as softly as the first time. "I guess it explains Dad's comment from earlier. I mean, you can imagine how bad things were when Edward first found out."

She laughed once, and I smiled, the tension dissipating some with her reaction.

"Just don't be upset. Things were weird, and I know how you are."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You wouldn't have let me go. Well, not that you could have stopped me - I was eighteen - but you would have tried."

"To protect you."

"But I didn't need protecting. I... Mom, I'm afraid that if I'd told you what was going on with me, you would have managed to talk me out of it. And then I wouldn't have _this_."

"What's this, exactly?"

"Edward, his family. New friends. School. I love it here. And I probably would have loved Arizona State too, but this... I can't imagine choosing something else for me."

"You're twenty, Bella. You don't know what you want."

"I won't regret coming here, if that's what you're getting at."

She sighed. "God, you're so stubborn."

"I get it from Dad."

Charlie gave me a scathing look.

I smiled sweetly at him.

"So can we move on now? I'll answer all the questions you want later. I just want to enjoy this weekend, though. Okay?"

"Yeah, all right. I think I can do that," she agreed.

"Thank you."

xx

Lying in Edward's bed later, I noticed he was still distant. The heat from his body radiated into mine, but his hands weren't roaming like they usually did.

Something was horribly wrong with this picture. I felt like we were almost at the beginning again in the way that he craved nearness to me, yet was too locked away in his past to be able to freely touch me.

"Where are you?" I breathed.

He looked at me, torn, and dragged a hand through his hair. "You know we'll never have kids, right?"

I gazed at him with a scowl, wondering why he thought such a thing.

Unless...

"Is what I said to Charlie bothering you?"

"No, I- Fuck, a little."

"Why?"

"We've never had this conversation. And we should. Before it's too late."

"Edward, nowhere does it say that a transplant patient can't have a baby, if that's what you're thinking. It's frowned upon, yeah, but there are cases-"

"No, that's not it," he said hoarsely. "But you'd consider putting yourself through that?"

"I'd never thought of it before," I confessed.

He was thoughtful for a while. "Bella, I'm sorry, but we can't have kids. Ever, in any capacity. With my family's history and everything, it's not an option."

I stared at him, my jaw hanging loose as two words and the implications of them rang through my head.

_Any capacity._

"You think you'd be a bad parent?"

He shrugged. "I'd rather not take the chance."

I wanted to pull my hair out in frustration. "This is your argument over everything," I said gently. "Any kind of challenge that might test your integrity, you do this with."

He went rigid beside me, his nostrils flaring with his anger. I'd really pissed him off with that. "What the fuck, Bella?"

"Don't get defensive with me," I sighed. "You know I'm right. You try to run away from everything with this whole my-mom-fucked-me-up excuse before you finally cave and make something good come out of it."

"I'm not running away," he seethed. "Why are we even arguing over this? You just fucking said you don't want them either."

"No, I said I'd never thought about it," I protested. "Not that I never wanted it. There's a huge difference."

"So you want them."

"Not right now." He huffed in frustration at me. "But I can't tell you how I'll feel ten years from now. No one can."

"God... Damn it, Bella. I don't understand what you want from me."

"I don't want anything from you. I'm just telling you what I think."

"Which is?" he asked flatly.

"I think you're scared. Scared of those genetics and making the same mistakes they did, of not being able to teach a child how to overcome things like that. Except you're not them; you're not even close to being like them."

He clenched his jaw, his eyes alight with fire. But he kept silent, choosing to process it all instead.

"What if I fail?" he finally asked. "What if in five years, ten years - whatever - we decide to do it, and I... I can't hack it. I perpetuate the cycle. I can't do that to someone else."

"Edward, why are you so convinced that you'll be so horrible at it?"

"Bella, I'm _m_e," he retorted. "I'm never going to be some average guy."

My blood boiled with that. He was right; he _would_ never be some average guy.

But it wasn't in the way he perceived it.

"When are you going to stop living the life that bitch created and start living your own?"

Pain seeped into his face; I'd struck a nerve. "I don't know. I thought I had been."

"Using her and your biological family as an excuse all the time is not living your own life. You are your own person. You're _my_ person. And my Edward tends to use whatever's eating at him to improve on himself. To make himself worthy, because he doesn't understand that he already is."

"Bella, this isn't just some... This is fucking huge."

"I know," I conceded. "So let's not make this into a decision we have to make now. We're... I'm a freshman in college, for crying out loud. My biggest concern is keeping my GPA up and making sure my boyfriend gets through med school and into some amazing program at some equally amazing hospital somewhere."

"Somewhere?"

"Anywhere. If I'm not done with school yet, I'll transfer my credits and follow you wherever you want to go."

"But you told your mom that you love it here."

"I love you more."

"You'd give all of it up for me?" he asked incredulously.

"I wouldn't be giving anything up. Just rearranging things a little," I reasoned.

He let out a disbelieving breath and stared off at the wall. I watched the movie, knowing he'd retreated into his head again to think about everything we'd just talked about.

Didn't mean that I was any less patient to hear what he had to said afterwards, though.

The credits were rolling when he finally came back to me. His eyes were gleaming with some unnamed emotion, and I wanted to throw my arms around him, feeling this ache to be closer to him for some reason.

"I think I'd do it for you," he said thickly.

A jolt of adrenaline went through me as I registered what it meant, what he would willingly give me if I wanted it.

And maybe with him, I realized, I would.

But I asked, just to be sure, "Have a family?"

He nodded. "If it made you happy, I... I'd try. God fucking help that kid, I'd try."

* * *

><p><em>Nut.<em>

Clank.

_Bolt._

Clank.

_Washer._

Clink.

_Nut._

Clank.

_Bolt._

Shit. Missed.

_Bolt..._

_Wait, what the hell is this?_

xx

"Where does this go?"

Edward glanced up from the section of my truck he was working on and shrugged. "Not a fucking clue."

"But..." I glanced around and frowned at the thousands of nuts, bolts, and washers that surrounded me. This piece of metal fit none of the above.

I started to drop it into the bucket of washers beside me but hesitated. Edward was screwing with me.

I sighed, "Edward... It looks like some kind of bracket."

"That's because it is," he answered.

I turned it over in my hands. "So how long were you going to just let me sit here and try to figure it out?"

He shrugged again. "No idea."

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

A smile pulled at his lips as he refocused on my Chevy's fender, running his hand over the sanded down metal. "I should have this side done tonight."

"Why are you doing this, anyway?"

"What, fixing up your truck?" he returned.

"Yeah. Fixing up my truck."

"To..." He lifted his hand, like he was going to run it through his hair, but changed his mind at the last second.

It fell to his side.

"I don't know. Why are _you _doing this?" he asked, motioning to all the scrap around me.

"I want to spend time with you."

"So you separate all of Emmett's shit to do so? Aren't you, uh, I don't know, bored?"

"Very."

"That's..." He looked slightly confused by my admission. "Flattering?"

I snorted with laughter. "Well, I guess it could be thought of like that. But really, that comment just makes you an idiot."

He flipped me off. "Thanks."

"Yep. Any time..." And then I tried something new, "_babe_."

His eyes flashed with the endearment. "I wonder if I'll ever get used to that."

"What?"

"Having someone to call me that. Makes me feel like my heart is lodged in my fucking throat."

"You don't like it?" I asked, feeling stupid. This was exactly why I'd never thought to call him anything other than his name. His reactions were still sometimes so unreliable.

Case in point: the entire day yesterday.

"No." My stomach dropped further. "I love it. I just... never thought I'd hear something like it, that's all."

I scrambled up off the floor and stepped over the junk surrounding me to get to him. I put my hand on his hip and stared up at him. "Well... I can always call you something else."

One side of his lips lifted with a smile. "Like what?"

"Hmm," I thought about it, "you call me 'baby', so that one's a no-go."

"Doesn't have to be."

So he liked it.

I tried it out. "Baby... I think you should take a break."

His arms worked themselves around me, covered in whatever product he'd been using on my truck earlier.

"What for?"

I pushed my body against his in silent answer, gauging his response, wondering if the last time we'd had sex was actually the last time for a while. Or if he was finally over his hesitance to be with me.

"Mmm," he hummed, his eyes growing heavy.

Heat flooded through me with that one sound's promise.

"You like me calling you that?" I questioned, gazing up at him.

"I think I'd like anything you call me. To an extent, obviously."

"So something like _honey_ would work? Dear? Sweetheart? Sexy cardio doc?"

"Not a cardio doc yet, Bella. Besides, the correct term would be god. Surgeons are cocky sons of bitches."

I giggled. "You're not cocky."

"On some things I am. Right now, it's mainly over what I can do to you."

"Oh?"

He smirked and dropped his head so that his lips were centimeters away from mine.

His grip tightened, holding me to him as he dipped me back.

"Dude, no. There's no sex in my garage," Emmett said as he opened the back door.

"Fucking son of a bitch cockblocker," Edward growled. "Like you haven't had sex with Rosalie in here on numerous occasions."

I glanced over at Emmett and saw him actually think about that. "So would you like us to turn around and pretend we didn't interrupt you? I'm sure the mood hasn't passed or anything."

Rosalie came up and smacked him on the shoulder. "Don't be an ass, Em."

He scowled, but it was gone in seconds, replaced by his usual, happy smile. "What'cha got goin' on here?"

"He's making my truck pretty," I answered, twisting out of Edward's arms.

The way his face fell was adorable.

Emmett walked over to the truck and examined the fender Edward had spent all morning repairing. "Looks fucking good, bro. But what's going on with all my shit while you're doing this?"

"I'm sorting it out," I replied.

His eyes snapped to the piles of metal I'd been working on. "Sorting it out," he repeated slowly. "Holy shit, you're organizing!"

I laughed, "Yeah."

"What the hell for?"

"Edward was busy working on my truck, so I thought I'd make myself useful..." I trailed off, suddenly unsure of myself.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to touch anything in the garage. I'd never thought to ask before.

"Emmett, I-"

"Rosie, why haven't you done that?"

Rosalie's eyebrow quirked; her eyes found mine and narrowed. "What?"

Emmett pointed to everything on the floor. "That. Organizing. Why haven't you done that?"

"Because I spend my time doing other things in here. Like fixing the broken pieces of shit you can't."

"I'm sorry," I mouthed, trying not to giggle.

"You're a bitch," she whispered back.

And then we burst into laughter.

Emmett glanced between us, finally catching on. "Aw, come on, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"Still said it," she answered and walked off into the staff lounge.

"See what you made me do?" Emmett demanded, annoyed with me.

"Hey," I smiled, "you're the idiot who opened his mouth. Not me."

He waved me off. "So... Dinner with the chief. How'd that one go?" he asked Edward.

Edward glanced over at me. "Fine, I guess. Her mom and step-dad were there too."

His loud laughter rang throughout the garage. "You did okay with _all_ the parents? I find that hard to believe."

"Shut up, dick. It's not like I haven't talked to the chief or anything."

"But that was before. Before there was the label of the boyfriend."

"Emmett, are you trying to freak him out or something?" I questioned.

Emmett grinned. "Is it working?"

"Go the fuck away," Edward muttered.

Like that was happening.

"Don't listen to him. Charlie likes you." I didn't bother mentioning Renee. I had no idea where he stood with her.

"I think it's more like he tolerates me because it makes you happy," Edward shot back.

"Well, be prepared for some toleration, then," Emmett said with a low whistle. His eyes were glued to the front window. "Cause Charlie Swan's cruiser just pulled in the parking lot."

"Shit," Edward hissed.

"Bet you're glad Rosie and I got here when we did, huh?" Emmett joked.

Edward and I both just glared at him.

He rolled his eyes. "Going in the back now..."

Charlie came through the front door of the shop fully dressed in uniform. He glanced around and ran his fingers over his mustache at the sight of my truck sitting in the back half sanded and bonded with Edward's arms showing all the evidence of his work on it.

"I wondered where it went," he said simply.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just took your mom and Phil back to Port Angeles."

I think I might've gasped to myself. "But I thought they weren't leaving until tomorrow."

He shrugged a shoulder. "You two gave her a lot to think about."

Guilt twisted at my insides. "She acted like everything was okay... This is why I didn't want to tell her in the first place."

Charlie shook his head. "It wasn't Edward or how you two got together or anything else you keep to yourselves. She's wondering why you felt you couldn't tell her any of it."

If it were possible, I felt even worse. "How?"

"She still sees you as a clumsy twelve-year old. The one who needed her mother to patch her up all of the time. You grew up on us, Bella," he said gruffly. "Now you don't need her like that. She just needs to figure out how to let you go, is all."

I tried to continue the conversation, but Charlie ignored my questions and went over to my truck. He ran his hand over the smooth surface and nodded once.

"Looks good, son. You planning to do the whole thing for her?"

The look on Edward's face was comical. "Uh..." He shook himself clear of whatever he was thinking. "Yes, sir. As I can. Med school doesn't give me much time, though."

"Just don't run yourself down trying to do it all. I understand you've got a lot going on up there," he said meaningfully.

Edward took in my dumbfounded expression, and then focused on my dad again, a little smirk twisting at his lips. "Have you been checking up on me, Chief?"

"Guilty as charged," Charlie said casually.

"Should've known," Edward muttered.

"What am I missing here?"

Charlie grinned, obviously pleased with my lack of intelligence.

And then I thought back to the conditions Charlie had for Edward and huffed.

Charlie went to clasp his hand on Edward's shoulder, only to think twice and awkwardly pull it back. "You'll do, kid."

Edward shoved his hands in his pocket, his cheeks mottling with the compliment. "Thank you."

"Well, gang, I've got to go. I've got the night shift tonight." He jerked his head toward the door. "Walk me out?"

After exchanging a glance with Edward, I mutely followed.

"I was thinking I might go run up to Olympia and get a bed for your old room."

I blinked. "What?"

"A queen, if I can get one to fit."

"Why?"

He glanced off at the road. "You staying at the Cullen's... As much as I like them, I want you to be able to stay with me when you visit too. There might be a day that you want to come home alone, and..."

"Dad?"

He gave me a sad smile. "I got to see you grow up this summer. Doesn't make it any easier for me than it is for Renee, though."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "Really. I'll try to make it home more."

He nodded once and cleared his throat. "Okay, come by the station tomorrow morning before you leave?"

"We will."

He opened the car door and went to get inside, and I hurried to stop him. "How'd you know that Edward didn't like to be touched?"

"Anyone with two eyes and a brain can see how twitchy he gets when people get too close."

Or maybe it was just that a cop with a reason to watch him so intently could.

He hopped in the car, dismissing me – and any other question I thought to ask - in his rush. "See you in the morning, Bell."


	28. Chapter 28

**Thank you everyone for the reviews and adds this week, even though I didn't get half of them until today with FFn's fuckery. How many weeks in a row is this now? O.o**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading. You guys are the Edward to my Bella :)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 28<p>

**Edward**

I checked the fender of Bella's truck one last time before calling it a night and heading over to the sink to wash up. After scrubbing myself nearly raw, I gave up on ever getting my hands and arms completely clean again and decided to get some air. My head was killing me after spending so much time locked away with the fumes. But it was worth it to see Bella's eyes light up when that one section looked new again.

So fucking worth it.

I stared at the sky - cloudy, as usual - and had no idea what to do with myself out here. I wasn't outside for a smoke break. I wasn't pissed off and pacing about something. I was calm, happy.

And completely at a loss.

"Bella's back," Emmett said as he came outside. "She's doing that girl talk shit with Rose."

I nodded.

I could hear his huff of frustration behind me. "Seriously, dude, I was just fucking around earlier."

"I'm not pissed."

He stopped beside me. "Oh." Pause. "Really?"

One side of my lips came up as I glanced over at him. "Really."

"Damn, I love that girl. If I wasn't already married, I might steal her."

"Fortunate for me," I said wryly.

"I could steal her, you know. Don't think I couldn't."

I snorted. "Sure, Em."

The conversation came to a halt, unable to be picked back up as awkwardness saturated the air around us. I stared off in the distance, not entirely sure what had happened. Things were never awkward with Emmett, and it left me unsettled for some reason. Nervous from not knowing what was weighing on his mind.

"I kind of expected a call or something," he said, his voice low.

"From me?"

"Yeah, you know, about Rosie."

"I figured it didn't matter anymore."

His blue eyes flickered from me to Rosalie's BMW and back again. "I guess."

"Our situations are different. Whatever happened won't have any impact on my relationship with Bella."

"Maybe. But I think she wants you to know. She didn't tell you to talk to me for nothing."

"Emmett, I really don't want to."

He didn't comment, forcing me to elaborate.

"I'm aware that Rose had something really fucking bad happen to her. But I... Fuck, I don't know. Knowing the specifics wouldn't make me look at her differently, but I like what we have now. She's_ just_ my sister-in-law. There's no baggage or bullshit when it comes to her. I don't get that very often."

He processed that. "Okay, but can I just say one thing?"

"What?"

"Rosalie and I have both been in Bella's shoes in one way or the other. We get it. So if either of you ever need to talk..."

I inhaled deeply. "Thanks. Now here's my one thing."

"Shoot."

"How long before she got over it?"

"She's still not over it," he said, and it was like the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel I'd been navigating through dimmed slightly. I didn't want to be like this for the rest of my life; hearing Emmett's answer meant that it would probably never fully go away. "And that's okay. It was hard for a while, but we've always been good."

I swallowed thickly, trying hard to keep nonchalant. "What do you mean?"

"She was really young, so it fucked with her whole psyche for a while. I had to wait. And wait. And _wait _for her to get past it."

"How long were you waiting exactly, Emmett?"

"Till our wedding night."

"The fuck?"

Even I wasn't that bad.

So maybe things weren't as grim as I was making them out to be.

He grinned. "Yeah. It was scary as hell. I didn't want to push her too far, but at the same time, I just wanted us to be normal."

"Wanted to be normal," I murmured. "I know that feeling."

He slapped me on the back with a laugh. I stiffened; I wasn't entirely sure why he was laughing about it.

"We all do. It's cause and effect and shit. But it makes us who we are. You wouldn't be the fucking asshole you are without Chicago."

"And you?"

"I wouldn't be me. I was... I hurt people because that's what we did to fit in. I wouldn't be so quick to please if I'd lived in a different neighborhood."

One that hadn't been run by gangs.

"I mean, that kind of stuff gets ingrained in you."

"Yeah."

"And I wouldn't have these gnarly scars on my side." He lifted up his shirt, showing off the jagged scars that ran over his torso with a proud smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Only you could joke about being almost stabbed to death."

"It's better than the opposite." He gave me a pointed look.

"I get it now, all right?" I chuckled. "It's just... Fuck, it's a really hard habit to break."

"Harder than smoking?"

"Much."

Silence again.

"Emmett?"

"Present."

I sighed. "Do you ever want to go back to LA?"

"I can't. You know that. They'd kill me."

"No, that's not what I'm asking." I rubbed at my eyes. "Do you ever _want _to?"

He shook his head. "No. I think... My parents didn't give me up because they didn't want me. It was because I got involved with the wrong people and almost died, and they didn't have the means to move me someplace safe. They knew I was better off as a Cullen than a McCarty. It took me a long time to see it, but eventually, I realized they were right."

I gave him a weary smile, completely in agreement. The circumstances may have been different; Elizabeth may not have wanted me when she signed away her rights, but that didn't change the fact that my life was bettered by becoming a Cullen. To still have 'Masen' tacked on to my name...

Hell, I'd probably be dead by now.

It was too bad that didn't curb this need I had to go back to Chicago and talk to her. She was... She was fucking key to finding out about Maggie's existence. As stupid as it was, I still felt like I had to go.

"Don't think for a second that they won't kill you if they find you there," Emmett said suddenly, his voice pleading as he understood the meaning behind my question.

"Emmett-"

"Find some other way. Go to Maggie's adoptive family; have the chief find your biological father. Just stay as far away from Chicago as you can."

The click of the door stopped our conversation, and I turned around to see Bella giving us a shy smile.

Dragging that girl with me, unsure of my reactions to being back in a place I had such god awful memories of Aro and Elizabeth...

I should just forget it all.

But the question was - could I?

"Am I interrupting?" she asked, her eyes darting between us.

"No." I reached out for her, soothed the moment she wrapped her arms around me and burrowed against my chest. In that was my answer, the same thing I'd been telling myself for months now.

She deserved so much more.

"You want to go?"

She nodded. "Can we um... Can we search flight departures? I kind of feel like I should talk to my mom before she goes, and I can't get her to answer the phone, and-"

I didn't bother telling her that we'd have to buy tickets to get past security and search for the gate. I didn't bother telling her that they'd probably find seats on one of the numerous flights to SeaTac and take off before we could make it, if they hadn't boarded a flight already. I didn't bother telling her that their wait would likely be in Seattle, not here.

All because she looked like she was about to cry, and I did not fucking do well when Bella cried.

Instead, I said, "Sure. Grab your shit and I'll see what I can find on my phone."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, Bella. Seriously."

I waited until she was back inside before pulling my phone out of my pocket and calling up the web browser. I caught Emmett's smirk out of the corner of my eye halfway through my search and stopped.

"What?" I asked warily.

"When did you turn into such a pussy?"

I glared at him, arching my brow. "Asks the cockblocker."

"Damn. I'm sorry about that." He shook his head with a laugh. "I've always had shitty timing, I swear."

He had that right.

We said our goodbyes and went back to the house, our intent to shower and change quickly before heading back out. Only when I stood under the spray of the water, I realized how restless I was. I was in need of... _something_, but I wasn't exactly sure what.

I got out, dressed, and went down the hall to find Bella chewing on her lip as she stared down at the contents of her suitcase she'd dumped out on the bed, her towel held up with one hand, hair dripping down her back...

And knew exactly why I was still so keyed up.

I shut the door behind me quietly and made me way over to her, snaking my hands up under the towel to feel her bare ass. My lips skimmed over her shoulder and to her neck, stopping just at the hollow below her ear; my fingers dug into the flesh at her hips, carefully keeping distance from where they truly wanted to be.

I had a feeling that if I touched her, pressed my body up against hers, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Wear the dress on the right," I murmured.

"You sure?"

"We can go out after we try to catch your mom."

I'd probably need to take her mind off the disappointment somehow.

She spun around in my arms, beaming. "Okay."

I kissed the tip of her nose and released her, feeling fucking sentimental all of a sudden. "I'll change my shirt. Meet me downstairs?"

She gave a quick nod and dropped her towel to change, having no idea what she did to me. How hard I was with just that one innocent action.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, backing out of the room and wondering how I was going to be able to take care of this little dilemma before someone noticed.

I spun around and found Esme peeking into my bedroom.

Problem fucking solved.

"Hey, Mom."

She jerked her head back and threw me a sheepish look at being caught. "What are you guys up to tonight?"

"I think we might go to Port Angeles for a bit. Maybe walk downtown if the weather cooperates?" I told her, purposely leaving out anything involving Renee.

Esme would worry all night about it.

"You're wearing _that?_" she asked, gesturing to my ratty t-shirt and jeans.

"Jesus," I said, annoyed. "I'm getting ready to change."

She followed me into my closet to look over the few things I kept here year round.

"What color is she wearing?"

"Green." She opened her mouth, but I barreled ahead. "And I'm not doing that matchy matchy shit."

"Mouth, Edward," she scolded, running her hands over the shirts in front of her. "What color green?"

"I don't know." I drove my hands through my hair, and Esme scowled. "It's dark. Teal, I think?"

She pulled out a black button up with pale pinstripes on it and handed it to me. "Are you fixing your hair?"

"No, Mom, I'm not," I replied angrily. "Now get out."

"You should. And put on something other than jeans."

I stood there and stared down at her.

She laughed once and started to walk away. "Well, I tried."

Downstairs, I sat on the couch next to Carlisle and fidgeted with the buttons on my shirt. I unbuttoned one, decided it was too douchey to leave undone, and buttoned it right back up.

Wiped my hands on my thighs and stared at the staircase.

"You okay there?" Carlisle asked with a smirk.

I nearly flipped him off. Of course I wasn't okay. I was dressed up and about to take Bella out on a date - one that could still be counted on a single hand to tally up the number of times we'd actually gone out as a couple alone.

It still made me fucking squirm.

Bella finally came down, her face scrunched in concentration as she navigated the stairs in the tall, nude stilettos I recognized as Rosalie's. Her hair was still damp, wavy and wild in a way she rarely let anyone see. The dress draped against her neck - no surprise there - but the way it clung to her curves, stopped mid-thigh...

Holy fucking shit, I was in trouble.

"Breathe, son," Carlisle chuckled.

"Not obvious at all, Dad," I snapped back, fidgeting with the collar of my shirt as I hurried across the room to her.

Why the fuck did I let Esme pick out what I wore again?

_Oh, right. I'm a sucker_, I thought sardonically.

On cue, Bella giggled and reached up to smooth the collar out herself. "You always look so uncomfortable when we go out. Why?"

I snuck a glance over at Carlisle and spoke so he couldn't hear me. "I don't like all of this pomp and circumstance surrounding dates. Fucking flowers, chocolate, dinner, a movie, the expectation... All leading up to the awkward moment on the girl's porch where you try to figure out if you should make a move or not? It's ridiculous."

"And totally not us," she agreed. "So I think you should stop stressing out over it."

I sighed and reached for her hand. "Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I just... I still want to make sure everything's perfect for you. All the time. I can't fucking shut it off."

Because on top of everything else, my fucked up ass was a perfectionist, too.

Just great.

"Edward," she said, amused, "it's never going to be perfect. It's impossible. But it can be perfect for us."

"Why are you so goddamned smart?" I growled.

She shrugged a shoulder.

"No, really. It's like, everything you shouldn't have any clue about, you do. You're this deceptively wise girl in an innocent's clothing. I don't get it."

"What do you mean?" she asked, letting me lead her though the house to get to the Volvo.

"Had you ever been on a date before me?"

"But you already know..."

"Just answer the question. I'm going somewhere with it, I promise."

She smiled a little "Okay, the answer is no."

"Then answer me this: why have you always been so at ease with it? Shouldn't you be a nervous wreck and not know what to expect?"

"I..." She stopped and frowned, thinking over her answer. "I guess I'm not because it's you. Now that I know you - r_eally _know you, and not in the 'oh, hey, there's that cute, asshole boy brooding in the corner again' way - I don't think I could be uncomfortable with you. And I know what to expect because I'm a girl. We tend to romanticize_ everything_."

"Way to take off the pressure," I muttered sarcastically.

She squeezed my hand before letting go to shrug her coat on and step out into the garage. "No pressure. It's just me."

Easier said than done.

"Get in," I sighed, opening the car door and motioning her inside.

She grinned again and made herself just a little taller so that her lips pressed against mine. "Have I ever told you how adorable you are when you're like this?" she asked when she pulled away. "All neurotic and stuff?"

"Not helpful."

"Sorry," she said, and ducked inside.

But she didn't seem sorry at all.

* * *

><p>"You knew, didn't you?" Bella asked once we'd left the airport. "You knew this was pointless."<p>

"I... Ah, fuck, I didn't want to tell you it was pointless in case I was wrong. And you looked like you were about to cry, and I'll fucking do just about anything to avoid that."

She threw herself against the door with a curse.

"Baby..."

"I screwed up," she said, giving me a tight-lipped smile. "I screwed the whole thing up by not telling her about it."

I wasn't exactly sure what to say back to that, but I tried anyhow. "I don't think you did."

She scoffed. "My mom hates me."

"Bella," I said, wishing I wasn't driving so I could see her clearly. "She doesn't fucking hate you. She's just... I don't know. I don't have any experience with this kind of shit. But I know you didn't screw up."

My eyes darted over to her involuntarily. She was watching me closely, looking for some kind of waver on my part.

There was none. Judging by everything Bella had ever told me about Renee, I honestly didn't think she'd fucked up.

I simply thought there was a lot of adjustment on her mother's part.

"So where are we going?" she finally asked.

"Well, the fact that you're underage makes it almost impossible to do anything_ fun_," I teased.

Her hand shot out to my shoulder. "Like you'd ever be caught in a bar, Edward."

I kept talking like she hadn't said a word. It was true, though; bars were never my thing, for obvious reasons. "But I'm hungry, so we're going to eat first."

"Where?"

"Ever heard of Michael's?"

"Um, nope. Can't say that I have."

"Good."

I left Bella to her thoughts for the rest of the ride, even going so far as to give her control of my iPod.

A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, Chevelle... Even some fast paced Foo streamed through the speakers. Her leg bounced in time with the music, fingers drumming against the door, the entire way to Port Angeles.

She was really fucking upset.

_Shit._

I breathed a little sigh of relief when I slipped into a parking spot just down the block from the restaurant, and then hurriedly got out of the car. I made my way around to her side and helped her out, knowing she was probably a little wobbly on the fucking stilts she'd decided to wear.

Not that they didn't make her legs look incredible or anything. Jesus, she looked-

I stopped that thought and started in the direction of the restaurant before it made me do something stupid.

Like throw her up against the car and try to work my way up under that little dress of hers.

In public.

Once we were led to our table, Bella took off her coat and draped it over the empty seat to my right, completely unaware that she'd drawn the attention of a few of the guys around us. I thought about wrapping my arm around her waist before she sat down and bringing her closer to me, pressing a kiss to her lips while letting my hand drift lower, marking what was mine.

But then decided against it. The fuckers could stare all they wanted.

Her eyes were only on me.

We ran over the menu quickly and decided to order the paella. I watched Bella sit across from me, practically mute with the exception of a few sharp breaths and sighs as she turned her napkin in her hands, fumbled with her phone to read a text from Alice.

"Talk to me," I said, leaning forward and putting my elbows on the table just to get closer to her.

She glanced up at me. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

My heart wrenched in my chest. This was exactly what I'd been trying to avoid.

"There's nothing to talk about," she answered.

"Do you want to go home?"

"No!" Her eyes darted around the room, and she dropped her voice. "Sorry. No. I just..."

"Need me to divert your attention somewhere else," I murmured in understanding.

"Yes," she breathed.

I nodded and focused on my water glass. "I talked to Emmett at the garage earlier. When we were out back."

She waited for me to finish the thought.

"He doesn't think I should go to Chicago either. He thinks that maybe I should see if my biological father knows anything."

"But I mean, you've never..." A little line formed between her brows. "Do you know where he is?"

I shook my head. "I've never tried to look him up or anything. I never really fucking cared. Any excuse he had for leaving me with Elizabeth wasn't going to be good enough, so I didn't want to hear it."

"Then how...?" She laughed at herself. "Dad."

"Think he'd go for it?"

"If we gave him the right reason for it, sure." She studied me for a second. "But that's not really what you want, is it?"

I sighed, unable to describe what I was feeling. "I don't think it's going to help, but I'll do it. For you. Emmett. Or anyone else who thinks I should go this route instead. I... I've fucking hurt everyone enough in the nine years I've been in this family. And if I can keep from doing it again..."

"Thank you," she said softly.

"For what?"

"For trying another way to find what you need before making arrangements to go back to Chicago," she explained. "I don't think you realize how much that will mean to everyone."

"Oh. Well, I mean, I- Fuck, I-"

Thank fucking Christ, the waiter chose that specific moment to bring us our food so I couldn't stammer like a moron anymore.

I thanked the guy and motioned for Bella's plate, but she shook her head, her lips curving slightly.

"Let's just eat it out of the pan."

"Eat it out of the pan."

"Yeah."

I chuckled. "Okay."

She picked up her fork and scooped up some of the rice, bringing to her mouth slowly. She moaned as soon as she tasted it, closing her eyes and saying, "Now _this_ is a good diversion tactic."

Goddamn, I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't stop thinking of the way her mouth looked wrapped around that fucking fork.

And she wasn't exactly making things any easier in that dress.

_Focus on the food, asshole._

But my eyes were pulled away from the paella pan sitting in the center of the table and to Bella's mouth again, watching her tongue wet her lips as she chewed on a piece of shellfish. She shifted in her seat and reached for more, the dress sliding up her thighs to expose more skin to me.

I snatched the glass of water off the table and gulped it down, giving serious thought into pouring it down my fucking pants.

Why'd I tell her to wear the dress again?

"Why aren't you eating? It's so good," she nearly moaned, bringing another bite to her lips.

"Ah..." I scrambled to take a bite. I'd been too busy ogling her to realize I hadn't yet. Every thought of mine seemed to be connected to that goddamned dress.

Fuck, it really_ was_ good.

"I saw a bookstore down the street when we got here. Mind if I go inside before we leave?"

I was staring at her tits as I chewed.

"Edward?"

I blinked, my eyes shooting up to hers. "What? I missed it."

"I asked if we could walk down to the bookstore before we left," she said slowly, as if she were talking to a child.

And maybe I had the mental capacity of one now that all the blood had found its way into my fucking dick.

"Uh, sure." I cleared my throat. "I could probably find something in there too."

"What's wrong with you?" she laughed.

"You're... Fuck," I couldn't think, and made a sweeping gesture to her body with my hand, "do you know how hard it's been for me to sit here and watch you eat?'

"I don't... Um..."

"No, Bella, like literally fucking hard." I snatched her hand under the table and brought it to my lap. Her eyes flew to mine. "Yeah."

She jerked her hand away, her face lighting up in a beautiful blush.

"Damn it," I ground out. "I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not like I haven't seen you naked or anything. And maybe that's the problem. I know what's under that dress and none of these other fuckers looking at you do."

"Other... What?" She glanced around the room. "I don't see anyone looking at me."

She was blind.

Absolutely blind.

I took a deep breath and worked to calm down. When I was sure I could speak again, I said, "If you're finished, I can flag the waiter down and pay."

I'd probably do better if she was hidden under her ivory wool coat.

That's what I was telling myself, anyway.

It wasn't long before we were out the door and on our way to the bookstore we'd passed by earlier. It was cooler than it was when we'd arrived, so Bella linked our arms together and leaned into my body, a chill running through her as we did.

I pulled my arm away from her and wrapped it around her shoulders. She glanced up at me in confusion.

"Wasn't good enough," I grunted at her.

She smiled.

Once inside, we separated for a while, Bella heading directly back to the classics section, while I browsed the new releases.

Supernatural love shit. Sappy Harlequin shit. Books with their movie adaptations as covers. Something about aliens in another stack.

Boring.

I grabbed one anyway.

I found Bella back in the corner, a stack of books piled on the table next to the chair she was curled up in, shoes discarded on the floor beneath her.

She absently tugged her dress down, and I shook my head.

"What'd you find?"

She flipped the book up so I could see. _Wuthering Heights._

"Depressing. What else did you get?"

_Beloved. Ethan Frome. _

Christ, it was like she was_ trying _to make herself cry.

And then I burst into laughter.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's."

"That's for you," she said, fighting off a smile.

"Well, it's probably better than the shit I found up front."

She glanced up and frowned at the book in my hand. "Since when did you read romance?"

"Never. Thought there might be some porn in it, though." I waggled my eyebrows.

"You've been spending too much time with Emmett."

I laughed again. "Yeah. Probably. Are you buying all of these?"

"Just got paid, so yep," she said distractedly.

"Okay. Ready to go then?"

"Yep."

"You going to put the fucking book down and speak like a normal person any time soon?"

"Nope," she giggled.

But she closed the book and set it aside.

Standing at the checkout counter, I noticed a display of journals to our left. Inexplicably drawn to the table, I left Bella in line and walked over to it. One journal stood out among the rest.

Black leather, a red strap wrapping around it to bind it together.

I let my fingers skim the surface, a strange pressure bubbling up in my chest. I needed it.

But why?

Tighter now. Choking me. Pulling me.

_Breathe._

"Edward?"

I glanced back at Bella.

And made a decision.

I brought the journal back with me and put it on the counter, not looking at Bella until I'd paid and taken the bag from the girl at the register. I didn't want anyone to overhear my explanation to her.

What little I could offer, that is. I had no idea what had just fucking happened.

Back outside, though, it all came pouring out.

"When I first started therapy with Dr. Banner he suggested that I write things I couldn't talk about down. But I never did. Too stubborn, I guess. I'm willing to talk about shit now with you... him... I just... Sometimes there's so much going on inside my head I think I might be missing something. Something important, you know? Like a clue, maybe?"

I dragged my hands through my hair. "Fuck, never mind. That sounds insane."

She stepped in front of me, dark eyes determined as she gazed at me. "You always encourage me to write. Every day. Even when it's something stupid like reciting a joke that made me laugh or writing down what we did together."

"Well, yeah... I mean, it's what you do."

She shook her head. "It's what _we_ do, Edward. Every picture I draw, every thought, story or letter I've ever written is linked to you. From the very beginning, even before I knew you existed."

"Bella," I breathed, staring hard at her, "what are you saying?"

"I'm saying don't second guess it." More fire in her eyes. "Go with whatever it was that made you buy that journal."

I caught the telltale twitch of her right hand at her side.

"Fuck, you feel it too."

And then it was up, rubbing over her heart as she swallowed hard.

"Yeah, babe. I feel it too."


	29. Chapter 29

**Thank you everyone for the reviews this week! I am truly appreciative of every single one, even if I am a total social idiot and don't know how to respond to the majority of them.**

**Compliments + me = stuttering, blushing fool.**

**I apologize.**

**Thank you to Stratan for being such a kickass beta... But I still feel the need to say: to-may-toh, dude. That is all.**

**Thank you to my fabulous prereaders stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth. Loves you girls!**

**Please make sure to have a Kleenex handy at some point. Just in case.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 29<p>

**Bella**

A shout.

A cry.

A low groan.

The sounds echoed around the room, pulling me from sleep. Some sort of violent scene, a distressed character in a movie or... something. I couldn't put my finger on it.

I was so freaking tired.

Again it came, and I moaned a little and shifted, wishing Edward would turn the volume on the TV down.

Another groan, this one distinguishable. Agonized.

Edward's.

I nearly fell out of bed trying to get to him, and ran as fast as I could through the apartment to where he'd fallen asleep on the couch studying.

The textbook draped over his chest went flying onto the floor as he jerked in his sleep.

Another keening sound escaped his lips, and I was suddenly bent down beside him, shaking him, calling his name...

"Baby, wake up," I pleaded, watching his face scrunch up as he navigated through the nightmare. "Please, wake up."

His eyes snapped open; his hands clawed at the brown leather couch below him.

"Edward."

To mine now, full of terror and secrets and things no one should ever have to experience.

"Bella," he gasped. "Fuck."

"Are you okay?" I asked, trying to put my arms around him.

He shot up off the couch and shook his head. "Need to walk it off before I puke."

And walk it off he did.

Back and forth, over and over again, he paced the length of the room. He stared down at the floor, muttering something to himself and dragging his hands through his hair every so often.

His shirt was damp with sweat, and his eyes were heavy and swollen. I sat and wondered what I could do to help him. I hated how useless I was right now.

And then his journal caught my eye.

Frantic, I grabbed it off the table and rushed over to him, holding it out and testing his reaction.

He stopped his pacing and looked at it warily.

"Write it down. Write the dream down so you can talk to Dr. Banner about it later."

I could tell he didn't want to relive whatever it was that had come back to haunt him, but he yanked the journal out of my hands anyway and went to sit at the kitchen table.

Still feeling pretty useless, I went into the kitchen to make tea.

Because tea makes everything better, I thought stupidly.

I placed a full mug in front of him and waited for him to stop scribbling in the journal before pushing it further toward him.

He eyed the steaming liquid and blew out a breath.

"It's just Earl Gray. I don't really keep a lot of tea on hand."

He was silent but took the mug and put it to his lips, blowing for just a moment, and then taking a tentative sip.

"Thank fuck, you already put sugar in it."

I hated the sound of his voice, how exhausted and raspy it was. I swallowed around my tears and nodded.

It was all I could do.

"I scared you again."

"No," I said vehemently and leaned in closer to him. "I'm just worried."

Silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not this time, baby."

"Oh." I fumbled with something to do to hide my surprise. "Okay."

He heaved a sigh and put the mug back down. "You really want to know?"

"I only want to know what you're willing to tell me," I replied.

That seemed to be enough for him. "It wasn't that bad, really."

"Seemed pretty bad," I mumbled, mostly to myself.

"No, Bella, the bad ones are when I think of all that time spent on my own or when..." His words faded away before he steeled himself and continued. "When I was so fucking afraid of what Aro and the other fuckers in that house would do to me that I could barely move or sleep. When I was terrified of fucking up. Because then they'd make good on their promises."

My face crumpled with what he was telling me.

"But that doesn't really matter right now, does it?"

"Yes, it-."

The look he gave me shut me up.

"It was the day Elizabeth left me," he said, staring down at the counter. "The night afterward and all the shit that went on behind the walls of the little fucking closet Aro called my room."

I reached for his hand. Not because of what he was telling me.

Because of what he _wouldn't._

His fingers intertwined with mine, gripping tightly. "She didn't say much of anything to me that day. Just told me we were leaving, and then left without a word once she'd dropped me off. I had no idea what was going on."

"Do you know why she did it?" I asked quietly.

"Some kind of debt she owed. For all the damn drugs, I'm sure. She needed money to get out of town for a while, and Aro wanted me. He saw my _potential,_" he said with a snarl.

"Potential?" I questioned. "What does that even mean?"

"Bella, he was a fucking drug dealer. What do you think?"

"What was your potential, then?"

"Never got that far. Aro just started taking me on odd trips to show me the ropes, and I was too scared to ever ask him why I was being shown all of it." He shook his head. "But I figured it out after a while. I'd been taking care of myself since I could barely write my fucking name. I could charm my way out of pretty much every goddamned situation I found myself in. I'd have been an asset - a protégé - or some shit."

"Charming? Really? Abrasive would have been my word to describe you."

"I charmed my way into your pants didn't I?" he teased.

"We have two totally different definitions of that word, Edward."

He let out a brittle laugh, one I was thankful for.

"So what do you want to do now?"

"Not sleep," he said instantly.

"Want me to make us something to eat?"

"You're hungry?"

I nodded once. "You?"

He frowned momentarily. "Surprisingly, yeah."

Progress.

I went to the refrigerator, bending over to search the crisper drawer for something quick.

Hands on my hips stopped me from searching further.

I stood slowly and found Edward towering over me, an intense look on his face.

My stomach lurched. "Babe?"

"If I ever told you something about myself that made you look at me differently... I don't think- I couldn't-"

"But you won't. Not _ever_," I replied.

Abruptly, his mouth descended on mine, rough and needy, and his hands came up to frame my face before working their way back and tangling in my hair. He slammed us into the refrigerator as his hips sought me out, and a moan bubbled out of my chest as soon when I felt him hard against me.

A jar of pickles tipped and crashed to the floor.

He broke away from the kiss, but kept his hands on me, dropping them down to my waist as we both stood silent and worked to calm down. After a few seconds, he expelled a loud breath, and the tension inside him slowly unraveled with it. His gaze dropped to the mess on the floor, and a quiet laugh rumbled in his chest.

"I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not."

"I'll clean it up."

"Uh, no. I'll do it."

"Edward-"

"You cook; I clean," he said, pressing a finger to my lips. "That was always Esme's rule."

Knowing I wasn't going to win the argument, I ducked to the side and changed the subject. "Grilled cheese?"

"Do you have that shit you made it with the last time?"

"The provolone?"

"It was provolone?" he asked incredulously.

"With a couple of other things," I hedged. "But yeah, I've got it."

"Good."

"I didn't know you liked it so much."

"You couldn't tell by the three sandwiches I ate that night?" he asked, quirking his brow.

"Okay, so maybe I was being unobservant," I amended.

And was rewarded with that amazing off kilter grin of his.

I went to turn around to get everything I'd need out of the refrigerator, but Edward's hold tightened on me, keeping me in place.

"Um... Can't cook without the stuff, you know," I said playfully.

"Tell me what you need and I'll get it. I don't want you moving your feet while you're over here."

I sighed in exasperation. "You're kidding, right? It's glass, Edward. I can just step around it."

He shrugged a shoulder, and then reached for the butter. "What kind of cheese do you want besides the provolone?"

It wasn't long before we were hovered over our sandwiches at the table, eating quietly as the sun started to rise. I didn't have much to say, too lost in worry to really hold a conversation. It wasn't like I was worried about Edward per se, but every time something like this happened I wondered if maybe he was pushing too hard, if he'd have a setback.

He always surprised me with his strength, his bravery, though.

So I should learn how to take it all in stride.

My thoughts eventually veered from Edward and over to Alice, wondering why the hell she hadn't gotten up to complain when we'd made so much noise before. She was such a light sleeper; she bitched about the wind rustling the tree limbs outside our building some nights.

I straightened up slowly and cocked my head to the side, listening for some kind of sign of her presence, not that I really knew what I was searching for or anything.

But there was nothing except the sound of Edward's water glass coming back to rest on the table again.

"Edward?" I began, pausing to listen once more.

He glanced up at me, his brow lifting slightly. "Bella?"

"Where's Alice?"

* * *

><p>"I'm dying," I whined into Edward's comforter. "Dying, I tell you."<p>

"You're fine," he argued with a laugh.

I shook my head. Even that hurt. "I feel like shit."

The bed shifted as he sat down, and soon, the comforter was pulled back from my face so he could see me clearly. The grin slid right off his face. "What is it, baby?"

"A cold, I guess?" I answered.

"That'd better be all it is. Every single one of us got flu shots for you."

"You say that like I asked you to cut off a thumb," I returned.

He put his hand up to my forehead. "Fuck. You're burning up," he noted bitingly.

"You're mad?"

He huffed. "A little, yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't like seeing you so sick." He ran a hand through his hair. "Three fucking days before finals too."

"Don't let me inconvenience you," I grumbled.

His expression softened, and he skimmed his fingers along my face. "That's not what I meant."

I blinked up at him.

"I just meant you were almost in the clear. We'll be home for two weeks at break. It was plenty of time for some of this shit going around to die out."

Well, now I felt stupid. "Oh."

"Yes, 'oh'," he chuckled. "Come here."

I did as instructed and sat up so he could pull me against him. I could feel his heart beat against my cheek, and I sighed, feeling better in his arms than I had all day.

"You know it's always going to be like this, right?" I asked him. "I'm always going to be the one to pick up whatever random bug is going around because of my meds."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I fucking hate it, too."

"Why? It's part of it."

He was quiet for a second, and then he changed topics. "Have you called Carlisle yet?"

"No. I've been asleep."

He shifted under me and dug his phone out of his pocket. I closed my eyes again and listened to his end of the conversation.

"Bella, Dad wants a rundown of your symptoms."

"Stuffy nose, headache, body aches, sore throat..."

"She's got a fever too," he said into the phone.

He murmured a few more things to his father.

"Sounds like strep, I know."

I stopped listening, not really caring about the diagnosis. I just wanted to feel better.

"Yeah, give me a second."

He put the phone down and moved out from under me. His hands reached up and felt under my jaw, and I winced at how tender my lymph nodes were.

"I'm your guinea pig, huh?"

"Got a problem with that?"

I managed a smirk. "Maybe."

One side of his lips lifted. "Now open that pretty fucking mouth for me," he said suggestively.

"Oh, my God, your dad can hear every word we're saying," I groaned.

"He's on hold, Bella," he responded seriously.

I exhaled in relief. No need for Carlisle Cullen to get any kind of ideas about our sex life.

Ew.

"He's bypassing a strep test and calling in a prescription for you," he said when he'd finally hung up.

Relaxed in his arms again, I simply hummed in response.

"What kind of soup do you want?"

That caught me off guard. "What?"

"Soup. What kind?" he repeated. "I bet you've not eaten shit all day."

My stomach rumbled with the thought of food. "You don't need to get me soup," I protested.

"Since you can't take a lot of meds I figure it'd be good for your throat," he answered rationally.

"Yeah, but I can grab whatever you and Jas have on hand."

"Bella," he murmured, putting his fingers under my chin and tipping my head up so he could see me. Lips found my forehead, and then skimmed over my flushed skin to my cheek... down to my chin...

"You'll get sick," I warned meekly.

To my nose now, a quick kiss before moving to my lips. It all seemed so sweet, but there was more... a swelling of something beneath the surface.

Fear.

"Let me take care of you," he whispered just as his lips brushed over mine.

"I'll be okay," I said, pressing my forehead against his.

"I know, I just..." He squeezed his eyes shut and struggled for words.

"Clichéd chicken noodle is fine," I told him softly.

He let out a sigh and nodded against me, making no move to get up.

Eventually, he did, though.

Edward set me up with a bath and a dose of Tylenol before he got ready to go. I could tell he was having a hard time leaving me alone, but with a few choice words and me threatening to drag him to the door, dripping soapy water all over the apartment as I went, he finally did.

And I thought I might have fallen in love with him all over again because of it.

I rolled a hand towel up and put it under my neck, sinking further into the water and closed my eyes...

The sound of the door opening roused me, and I sat up a little to gauge the time. The water was still warm, bubbles still high around me, so I hadn't been soaking for long. Just long enough so that I was beginning to feeling the magic of Tylenol.

There was the low pitched sound of a man talking - Jasper - followed by a girlish giggle, one that had my eyes practically coming out of my head.

Alice.

"Holy shit," I breathed.

I scrambled up out of the tub and found a towel, wrapping it around me and walking toward the door. I didn't drain the water, too afraid that the sound would alert them to my presence.

Their voices grew louder as they walked down the hall together. I stood quietly behind the door, wondering if one of them would try to come in as they passed. And I'd be caught sneaking around.

Well, not exactly. I was half naked in a room with a tub full of water. I had a legitimate excuse to be in here.

I'd simply _started _sneaking around.

But then there was the sound of Jasper's door closing, followed by...

Nothing. No arguing, no shouting.

They were getting along.

In his bedroom.

"Holy shit," I said again.

I eased the door open, grimacing as it creaked a little and rushed across the hall to Edward's room before I could be seen, where I immediately searched out my cell phone.

"I'm leaving the pharmacy now. Fucking morons took forever," Edward grumbled in answer.

"That's okay," I whispered. "But um... I think we need to go back to my place tonight."

"What?" He paused. "Bella, why are you whispering?"

"Because," I hissed out, "I just... I'll tell you about it when you get here."

"Bella-"

I hung up on him.

I felt bad. I really did. But God, I needed to get out of here quick.

I got dressed and gathered my things, trying really hard not to listen to Alice's cute little squeals or Jasper's laughter as it all bled through the walls, and then hurried down to the parking lot, locking up behind me on my way out the door.

Edward was already parked and waiting for me.

I hopped in the car and glanced over at him. He wordlessly handed me the white paper bag my prescription was in and a bottle of water. I fumbled with the bag as I opened it, scanned the label on the prescription bottle, and then popped the appropriate dosage in my mouth and swallowed.

"Explain," Edward said as I recapped the water bottle.

"Jasper came home while I was in the tub. Oh, that reminds me, I forgot to go back and drain the water," I said distractedly.

"Jesus," Edward muttered. "Are you sure the Tylenol's working and you're not delirious?"

I rolled my eyes when he pressed his hand to my forehead. "No, see, Jasper wasn't alone."

Edward was still. And then his hand suddenly dropped. "I'm sorry; what did you just say?"

"He wasn't alone. Edward, he was with Alice. In his_ room_."

Edward's head whipped back forward, his eyes trained on the front window of his apartment. "Wh- I mean, it wasn't the third fucking World War in there?"

"They were laughing. They seemed happy, baby. Really happy."

"Holy fucking shit," he said, stunned.

"My thoughts exactly!"

"So now what?"

"Nothing. We... God, as much as it's going to kill me, we leave them alone."

"Seriously? You don't want to know what happened?"

"Oh, I want to know probably more than you do. But there's a reason they're being secretive. I just... I don't know. I feel like it's got something to do with your brother, and I know how you Cullens operate. I don't want to mess this up for Alice."

"Fuck," he dragged his hands through his hair, "how long do you think he'll make us wait?"

"Until he's sure. Until he's... comfortable," I guessed.

Edward slouched back against the door, looking as though he were thinking of exactly what I was.

How long it took _him_ to be comfortable with _me_.

* * *

><p>"Hey, B, you guys headed out soon?"<p>

"Long time no see, Jas," I replied, refolding a t-shirt of Edward's and shoving it back into his suitcase.

"You've been sick," Jasper said with a smirk. "I've been avoiding you."

"Ah. Can't blame you there..." I murmured, not fooled at all.

"Edward says you're coming to Forks?" he asked, coming to sit on the bed. "I thought you were headed to Phoenix for Christmas."

"We are. We have a few things to take care of back home before school starts back up, though. So we're making a pit stop after we spend some time with my mom."

"Like what?"

I glanced at him. "I can't tell you that. It's a secret."

He balked. "Please. You can't keep a secret to save your life. Just look at how you told Edward about Maggie."

I turned around to face him, my expression cocky. "Is that so?'

"Yep."

"Oh, Jasper, if you only knew."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I tilted my head and watched him closely, seeing how he fidgeted under my stare.

I was going to play with him a little.

Served him right.

"Do you remember how happy you were when you saw me walk through the door with Edward?"

He blinked. "You mean when you were trying to strip him naked in the hall?"

"Yes, that."

"Well, yeah, of course I do. I'd been trying to get you two back together for months. All my effort finally paid off."

"Is that the only reason?" I pressed.

"No..." He gave me a strange look. "Fuck, B. I love you. You're like the little sister I never had. Not even Rosalie can make me laugh like you can."

I blushed a little. "Thanks."

"I wanted you to be happy just as much as I wanted my fucking dumbass brother to be."

And there it was. "You know we feel the same way, right?"

"Same way about what?"

"We want you to be happy," I replied. "Like we are."

He raked a hand through his mop of hair nervously.

"Jeez, you really need a haircut."

He shrugged nonchalantly, but I could see something flash in his steel eyes. "Thought I'd try something different."

"I see." I closed the suitcase with a huff. Edward was horrible at packing. "Well, don't let me stop you. I'm sure there's a certain girl out there who loves to put her hands in it."

He made a choking sound behind me as I left the room.

"Could you have been any more fucking obvious?" Edward laughed as he closed the bedroom door behind him.

"Pretty sure I could. I could have said that it was _Alice_ who loves to put her hands in it."

He laughed again.

"What's all this?" I asked, pointing to the plastic bag in his hands.

He silently passed it over.

New multi-vitamins, packets of Vitamin C, Echinacea...

"What, no face mask?" I asked dryly.

"You wouldn't wear it."

Well, at least he had that part right.

"Listen, we'll be in the air for two fucking hours with a bunch of people who are sneezing and hacking the whole time. I'm not taking any chances with you."

"Edward, this over protective thing you've got going on was cute at first. But now... Now it's just getting old," I said, glowering up at him. "You can't save me from all the germs in the world."

"I'm not trying to," he replied defensively.

"Oh, really?"

"I-" He let out a sound of frustration and moved past me to sit on the bed.

Flop on the bed, actually, was more like it.

"The thought of something happening to you... I... I knew all of this was part of it. But seeing it firsthand last week, I just... God damn, it was like my brain could think of nothing but all the shit that can go wrong."

I went to sit beside him, putting my hand on his chest. "What's got you so freaked out? Me being sick in general?" I probed.

He shook his head. "Rejection, mostly."

I opened my mouth to argue about it, but then stopped myself and snuggled up against him. This was the reality. I _couldn't _argue it away.

"It scares me too," I admitted.

"What?"

"Yeah. It's..." I chewed on my lip as I tried to figure out how to explain it all to him. "I have the potential to survive with this heart for years. So long as things go right. But if they don't, it's like it will all have been for nothing. I'd meet you, fall in love, work on having the future I didn't think existed, just to have it ripped away."

"Baby-"

"I could go crazy thinking like that, though. So I don't."

"You don't," he repeated flatly.

"No. I know the risks and complications that came with this procedure. I'm not deluded enough to think that it'll all be sunshine and roses for the next ten or twenty years. But I refuse to let that fear keep me from living my life how I want to. I don't know, maybe it's naive of me, but I have to believe that if I were to reject Maggie's heart, it'd be for a reason. Even if it's just to sit and wait on the transplant list for a year before I get a new heart. Or..."

"Don't fucking say it," he snarled.

"Okay, I won't. But the possibility is there."

His arm came around me, his eyes sad. "I know it is," he breathed out. "But I wouldn't survive it. I'm... Everything I fucking am is because of you."

Tears filled my eyes, and I suddenly found myself lost in a kiss with him. I pulled at the fabric of his shirt to bring him closer to me, needing to feel his weight over me, body moving with mine.

"Baby," he groaned, his hand moving up under my shirt under its own volition. "We're going to miss our flight."

I didn't answer him verbally. Instead, I rolled my hips against his and whimpered when he pushed back against me, making everything inside me tingle and demand more.

He yanked my bra aside and palmed my breasts as his mouth drifted over my neck. The shirt came off, and he flattened his hand and moved downward, trailing kisses along my skin with it until he was at the fly of my jeans. His movements were slow and measured, torturous. He paid attention to the way my stomach quivered with every touch, how I writhed under him when he nibbled at my ribs, almost as if he was relearning everything about me.

And when he was finally seated inside me, the way he stared down at me made me want to cry all over again.

His muscles trembled beneath my fingertips as they worked to hold him steady; his heart hammered against mine, but it wasn't from his fear or any kind of self-degrading thought he typically had when we were together like this. Something was happening between us, the effect of it tethering us to one another in a way we weren't before, and I wondered - for what seemed like the hundredth time - if maybe I'd made a mistake by coming to Forks. He'd changed so much of himself to be with me, and if something were to happen...

I wasn't the one who'd be left behind to work through the aftermath.

But then he kissed me, driving into me a little harder than he had before, and I knew that nothing would have saved me from falling for him, from being with him like this.

He was my destiny, for however amount of time I was allowed to live it.

He drew back, pausing, and then slowly slid into me again, his breath coming out sharp and quick.

"Bella... I love you," he gritted out. "So fucking much I can't..."

"I know. I love you too."

His eyes flicked to my mouth, narrowed. He pushed into me again, his hips flexing into mine.

I moaned.

"Do you?"

I gazed up at him, trying to convey everything I didn't have words to express in the way we moved together. My back arched up off the bed as I tumbled, and I was only able to get one thing out in the midst of it all.

"Always."


	30. Chapter 30

**It's that time of week again... And as much as I wanted to reply to more reviews, especially those from new readers (*waves*) I just haven't had time with the upcoming holiday. Typical. **

**Speaking of time, there will NOT be an update next week. I'm trying to be good to my prereaders and beta and not force them to work over the holiday. **

**Anyway, thank you for the reviews and adds this week; I am forever grateful. Dear Maggie was voted Best Angst fic for the March edition of the Red Rose Awards, and I am shocked and amazed and all sorts of other stuff. Thank you! **

**Thank you to Stratan, the badass beta, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading.**

**To anyone wondering about rejection: Rejection - whether it's hyperacute, acute, or chronic - is always a possibility, no matter how well matched you are with your donor organ. You can Google it (AHA Journals dot org has loads of info on transplantation available) if you want more. If I explained it, the A/N would take up just as much space as the actual chapter.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 30<p>

**Edward**

I swear to fucking Christ, Renee Dwyer hated me. I could see it in the way she watched my every move, paid attention to the way I spoke to Bella, treated her. Like she was looking for some specific reason to kick me out of her daughter's life, which caused Charlie Swan's fucking words to come back to me.

I was thankful for the chief now. He may have had that list of stipulations I was to agree to while dating Bella, but at least he accepted me. And maybe - quite possibly - he was warning me of this. Of how intolerably overbearing his ex-wife was of their daughter.

At least, I hoped so, anyway.

If I was being honest, though, I couldn't blame Renee for being leery of me. I was... I was shit until Bella, and even now - with all the work I'd done - I was merely _okay_ for her. I wasn't the perfect, doting boyfriend she should have. I fucking tried my best to be there for her, but I still occasionally thought my motives were always self-centered. Bella was sick; I took care of her. But it wasn't the altruistic comfort she should have. It was because I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to her; bear the thought of what it would do to me. How utterly destroyed I'd be without her, the one person I'd finally wanted to open up to and share my life, my history with.

Fuck, it hurt just to think it. So I took a page out of Bella's book. Because she would want me to, I wrote down everything I could about it.

And then I left it all behind. I refused to give that specific fucking nightmare a voice.

I sat at the Dwyer's kitchen table with my laptop and tried to study up on a few things I'd need to be well-versed on for next semester, but the glint of the sun on a passing car kept pulling my focus elsewhere. Phoenix was... Well, the only redeeming quality Phoenix had for me was that it created the girl I loved. Her life was here for so long, though I couldn't really picture any of it. Bella just fucking fit in the Olympic.

Or maybe she just fit with me. The girl she was in the stories she told and the girl she was to me were so different from each other, I sometimes had trouble associating them together as one singular being.

_My _Bella.

Renee came into the kitchen with a few bags of groceries dangling by her knees. She spotted me at the table and stopped short, a scowl sweeping over her face before she plastered on a smile.

"Oh. Hi. I figured you'd be with Bella."

"No, I have some studying to do," I replied, trying really fucking hard not to bite her head off. I was getting really tired of her insincerity.

She mumbled something under her breath, and I pushed away from the table, unable to take any more.

"I get it," I said through my teeth. "I really do."

"Get what?" she asked innocently.

"You hate me," I replied, quirking my brow. "And that's fine. I'd probably hate me if I were in your shoes, too."

"You think I hate you?"

She had to be kidding.

"I don't hate you," she said after a minute. "I just don't know you."

"Fair enough."

"I'd like to, though. Bella seems to think you hung the moon or something."

"Which you don't like."

She sat the bags on the counter with a sigh. "Not really. She's my baby. My only baby. And she's been through so much..."

"But you know, it's not really your business anymore. She's twenty."

"She's my daughter. Everything she does is my business," she protested snidely.

I could feel myself growing angry, so I quickly changed topics. "What do you need to know about me?"

"Things," she answered vaguely.

But I knew what she was referring to.

"I'm not telling you about Chicago."

"That's where you're originally from?"

"Jesus, I-" I pulled my hands through my hair. "You don't want to know about my horrible life._ I _don't even want to know about it."

"It was horrible? How horrible?" she asked anyway.

"What has Bella told you?"

"Bella doesn't feel the need to tell me anything where you're concerned," she said bitterly.

"God damn-" I clamped down on the anxiety and urge to run away swelling up inside me. "Okay, here it is. A very washed out, PC version of my life. The only version you'll ever get," I replied, glaring at her.

I couldn't believe I was about to do this. Hadn't I just said I wasn't telling her anything?

Yet here I was, spilling my guts.

In essence, it was all for Bella. I didn't want this for her, to be a rift between Renee and her. And the way I saw it, I had two options. I could either try to make Renee understand a little bit about me and my relationship with Bella, or I could walk away.

I was such a selfish fuck, though.

So I chose the former.

"I lived with my addict of a mother until the summer I turned twelve, where she proceeded to then dump me off at her drug dealer's house and disappear. What maybe could have been a better situation - because at least I was fed - ended up being just as bad because of the people around me. I was threatened every day I was there, exposed to things I didn't know existed and was too young to understand. I was terrified of them hurting me, so eventually, I ran away and hoped that they wouldn't find me. I was homeless for fourteen months. Fourteen months, Mrs. Dwyer, and let me tell you: it does things to you, things you can't even imagine. I was only found by my adoptive parents after I was caught and almost killed."

"They..."

"Shot me. Twice. Right in the chest. Need to know anything else? Something about the sister I never got to know, maybe?"

She shook her head once, looking absolutely stunned and turned back to put away the groceries she'd brought in, and I immediately felt guilty for being so shitty with her.

But then I wondered how differently she'd look at me now that she knew. As much as I didn't like Renee, the thought still fucking pierced me. It was exactly why I never let people in.

I tried to read the journal article still called up on my laptop, but was so agitated now that I couldn't concentrate on it. The words just kept bleeding together, so with a grunt, I slammed the laptop shut and moved to get up.

"Bella said she loves you," Renee said quietly.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm lucky."

A surprised giggle escaped her. "You're smart."

I couldn't force myself to smile back at her. "Now do you see why she didn't tell you anything?"

She nodded.

"You've been mad at her because she's been protecting me." I paused, trying to see if what I said was sinking in at all. Bella didn't need to suffer any more than she had just because her mother got her goddamned feelings hurt.

But I couldn't really tell anything by her expression.

"She's it for me," I continued. "She's... _everything_. You know?"

"I thought the same way about Charlie. And look where it got us. So I'm sorry, but I don't think the two of you really _do_ know yet."

The way she looked at me, like she truly believed every word of what she was saying pissed me right the fuck off.

Everything I'd just told her had been for nothing.

"Don't do that," I growled. "You can disagree with what I say because you - and I quote – 'don't know me'. But you don't get to second guess Bella's decisions just because she doesn't have the experience you think she should. No disrespect, but she's not you. She's... She follows her heart, without any judgment, no matter where the hell it leads her, even if it's to some fucked up asshole that had no idea what love was until her. It's what makes her so incredible. It's _how _I fell in love her."

Her jaw dropped in shock.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find Phil. I have a Christmas present to plan for your daughter."

I stood up quickly, my chair skittering across the kitchen floor as I stormed outside to find Bella and her step-father. I was blinded by the sun for a few seconds when I opened the door, because after spending so much time in Forks, my eyes had trouble adjusting to bright-as-fuck-Arizona, but eventually spotted them in the back yard, throwing a baseball around together.

The grin on Phil's face had me forgetting what I was so angry about.

"How the hell did you teach her to do this?" he shouted over at me with a laugh.

"She didn't need me to teach her. She's a natural," I called back.

"Damn," he said, throwing the ball at her. It was fast and to the left.

Bella caught it with ease.

"Wish we'd have figured out the heart thing earlier. Chaparral could have used someone like her on the team."

"What would you have done?" she retorted. "Given up your coveted baseball coach position to coach a bunch of girls instead?"

"In a heartbeat, Bell."

Her throw faltered as she took in Phil's expression. "Really? You'd have coached the softball team for me?"

"Don't act so surprised. You know I love you."

"Yeah, but..."

"You gonna throw or not?"

She launched the ball back at him. "So does anyone know what the actual plan is for Christmas?"

"Yeah, that's what I came out here to tell you," I lied. "Your mom wants to talk to you about it."

"Now?"

I shrugged.

She threw the glove down with a little huff. "I haven't had decent enough weather to do this in months, and just when I really get into it, she picks now to want to talk?"

"Renee has always had impeccable timing," Phil joked.

"Yeah," she grumbled, taking off to go inside.

Phil turned on me, a smile flashing across his face. "Renee doesn't actually need to talk to Bella, does she?"

Smart guy.

"No," I responded. "I need to talk to you about Bella's Christmas present."

His brows shot up. "And what could you possibly need me to do for that?"

"Alice and I need into the high school. The gym, specifically. There's something I want to do for her."

* * *

><p>I shut off the engine of the Camry Phil had let me borrow and sat there for a second. Breathing. Staring.<p>

Freaking.

I could do this. I could be nonchalant and lead Bella into the darkened school, wind my way down the empty hallways until we got the gym. I could be the perfect fucking boyfriend I'd just berated myself over before.

Except, I didn't know if I could. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I was sweating like hell in this fucking suit I'd worn. My heart was beating hard against my ribs, and I was beginning to think that I was going to have a goddamned panic attack unless I found a way to calm down.

Not to mention, I had no idea how this was going to go over. If Bella would laugh at me or not.

"Baby," I breathed, dragging my hands through my hair and messing up any kind of style Alice had managed with it, "just promise me something. Don't laugh when we get inside."

Bella gave me a strange look and snorted. "You're worried I'm going to laugh at you? Edward, I'm more confused than anything-"

And then like she'd been struck with the idea, she gasped and her eyes went wide, wild with shock.

"You didn't," she whispered.

Her hand came up to cover her mouth, and she blinked at me as tears began to form.

I reached down and pulled the plastic container out from between the seat and my door, giving her the first glimpse of my Christmas present to her.

Her tears spilled over now, streaking down her cheeks in the orange glow of the sunset. The container made a fuck load of noise as I opened it and pulled the pink rose corsage out.

Alice was right. It looked really good next to her blue dress.

My hands shook as I put it on her wrist and straightened it out. I swallowed thickly and let my eyes find hers again, needing more reassurance than I ever had before.

"You should experience everything," I started, losing the words at the emotion on her face. "And since we promised not to buy anything for each other, I thought that this..."

"You're giving me prom," she sobbed.

I smiled tentatively with her reaction. "Yeah. I uh, I know Alice and you did some sort of thing in the hospital but I never went to prom either, and I... _we _both-" I stopped and got out of the car. It was fucking stupid to have all of Alice's hard work inside while we sat out here and talked.

We could talk anywhere.

We could talk in there.

I came around and managed to get to Bella's door before she was completely out of the car, reaching out for her hand and pulling her to me.

She threw her arms around me and buried her face into my neck. My own instinctively came up to wrap around her waist, holding her to me; picking her up so that her feet no longer touched the ground.

She didn't say anything, barely even breathed, and I knew she was trying not to cry or mess up her makeup any more than she already had.

Good tears, I reminded myself, and all my insecurity faded away.

"You look fucking incredible tonight," I whispered into her ear. "That dress is... _fuck_."

She shivered in my arms and grinned up at me. "So do you. You should wear a suit more often."

I barked out a laugh. "I don't think so."

I let her lead us into the building, an anxiousness building up inside me the closer we got to the gym. When we passed by her old locker, she stopped and ran her fingers over it.

"Alice and I shared lockers," she said softly. "We put books for the classes nearby in each so we weren't rushing around all of the time."

"Makes sense."

"Alice's idea. Always the planner, you know?"

I barely managed to keep myself from smiling. I knew exactly how Alice liked to plan things now.

She opened the doors to the gym and took a single step inside before stopping to gape at the scene around her.

"Winter Wonderland," she marveled, glancing around the room.

Everything was done in silver, white, and blue, and looked like... Well, like an elf threw up all over the place, but I wasn't going to complain. It was the theme of her senior prom. The prom she missed. Alice hadn't spared any expense when it came to recreating it. There were balloons, streamers, glittering snowflakes...

"Okay, guys!" Alice shouted from the corner. "You can't go to prom unless you get your picture taken!"

Bella groaned, "Are you serious?"

"Very. You think I put in all this work to not get some kind of memento out of it?"

Bella pressed her lips together guiltily. "Thank you. So much... Alice, it's your Christmas break and you're-"

Alice cut her off with a sound of disapproval. "Please, don't. You know I'd do anything for you. You're my cardiovascular challenged soul mate."

"Boyfriend standing here," I interjected.

"Platonically speaking, of course. Don't get your briefs in a twist."

"Don't wear briefs, shorty."

"Jesus, Edward. Just let me get the last word for once!"

Bella giggled beside me, and so I let my retort slip away.

We walked over to the spot in the corner that Alice had set up for photos and posed. It seemed so fucking surreal to hold Bella against me and let Alice snap pictures of us. This was one of those things I never had interest in, avoided. But with Bella it seemed different somehow... Like I was finally living that normal life I'd craved for so long.

Without the obnoxious teenagers, obviously.

Alice started the music just before she left, a playlist we'd created together this last month when Bella was busy studying or sleeping. It was something that would last for hours, so I could stand here with her and talk, dance with her... be with her.

"So what was with my mom today?" she questioned, leaning back to gauge my response. "I went back inside to talk to her about Christmas tomorrow and she was acting really weird."

"She pissed me off."

Bella laughed, taking me by surprise. "What'd she say?"

"She thinks she fucking knows what's best for you, when she really doesn't even know you at all, and I..." I sighed. "I probably should have kept my mouth shut."

"No, you shouldn't have. I think maybe you made her realize she didn't really have us figured out like she thought she had."

"What?"

"Well, whatever you said affected her. I can't imagine you were very rude-"

I snorted derisively. If she'd only heard me.

"But," she continued, undeterred, "whatever it was, it must have been pretty big to get that kind of reaction out of her."

"I told her a little bit about Chicago," I muttered.

"You... No, you didn't."

"I did."

"Why?"

"I have no idea, Bella," I said, staring down at her. "I really don't. I guess I thought it would help if she knew that this wasn't just some bullshit relationship you got into because you finally could. That you saw something in me or whatever. I... I got fucking defensive."

She nodded and let the subject drop. Her eyes drifted away from mine, and her face pinched up in thought for a moment.

And then her arm came up, and she was pointing to the back corner of the basketball court just to our right.

"That's where it happened."

I stared at the spot for a few seconds before I finally fucking clued into what she was referring to. "Where you fainted."

"Yeah." She swallowed hard. "I remember getting really dizzy when I went to serve. There was this girl, Monica. She was perfect, you know? One of those girls who was tan and blonde and popular... She hated me, and that was okay, because I didn't really care for her either. But I thought that I'd just been letting her bother me more than usual. So I pushed myself a little harder. Tried again."

"And?"

"It gets pretty blurry after that. Someone said something shitty, and I blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was on a stretcher headed toward an ambulance in the parking lot. Alice flipped out."

"She was there?"

She shook her head. "She'd gotten out of class just as they were rolling me outside. She made the paramedics let her in the truck."

I chuckled to myself. No doubt that little shit had.

She sighed and moved a little closer to me so that her entire body was flush with mine. We danced for a couple of songs, and then I decided to give her something more of myself. A piece of the past that - while not painful or something I didn't want to remember - was a way to show her how different I was before her. How... fucked up I'd been from the very beginning.

"I didn't talk to anyone in high school. Not one fucking person unless I had to."

"Really?"

"At first, people were scared of me. I got in fights and just..." I huffed. "Then I kind of stopped that shit after a while. I knew I'd need to get into college and so I started busting my ass to pull my grades up. I was still a dick, but it was different. I made it seem like I thought I was better than them, when the reality was the complete and total fucking opposite."

"Yeah, I've been on the receiving end of that little show," she said wryly. "It's not pleasant. You definitely know how to push people away."

"Push them away before I could hurt them," I murmured. "Until you, anyway."

"How you could ever think you aren't good enough for me I'll never know," she said quietly.

"Bella..." My hold tightened on her along with this feeling in my chest.

She glanced around the gym, a wistful look on her face. "Hear me out, baby. I thought I was okay not having this. But I was wrong. Even if it's just the two of us, and I'm twenty now... Thank you. For this, for standing up to my mom. But most of all, thank you for loving me. For opening up and giving _us _a chance instead of pushing it away entirely."

I shook my head, having no idea how to respond other than with, "Merry Christmas."

The song changed into something even slower, and I sang along with the tune as we danced, unconcerned by the fact that this was the first time in my life that I'd ever sang in front of anyone, because Bella just had that effect on me. Things like that never mattered when I was with her. It was just us, together. Simple. Something I hadn't realized I'd wanted until the day she found me.

Lyrics faded as we slid into a kiss. Her hands moved under the suit jacket, and I hissed against her mouth, knowing that I wasn't going to get out of here without taking her now. Not after everything we'd just shared. Not after spending an entire week in Phoenix in separate bedrooms. I hadn't been able to touch her whenever I wanted, too fucking worried about impressing Renee, which made me need to be with her all the more. So much that I'd taken to jerking off in the shower the last couple of mornings just so her mother wouldn't see how hard her daughter made me when she bent over in a pair of those tiny fucking shorts she wore around here.

God, I really _was_ fucked up sometimes.

Her hands yanked at the fabric of my shirt, pulling it from my pants, and reached my skin, slipping under the waistband-

"Did you ever wonder what it was like to get fucked in your high school gym?" I asked against her mouth.

"Ah..." My mouth trailed down her neck, to her collarbone, sucking, nibbling until she went pliant in my arms. "No?"

"You sure about that?" Hands slipped under her dress until I found... nothing.

I jerked back in surprise, my eyes roaming her face just as she smirked.

"Merry Christmas," she said, arching her brow.

"Oh, fuck, you're perfect," I groaned. I grabbed her and picked her up, walking her over to the bleachers and putting her down on the second row.

Clothes came off quickly, a zipper sounded between us; a strap of the dress fell off her shoulder. I pulled her dress up to her stomach and stroked her, moaning when I felt how hot and swollen she was, how ready she was for me.

I spread her legs and glanced between them, groaning at the sight of her rubbing against my hand. "Goddamn, Bella."

She whimpered my name when I drew my hand back. Her eyes found mine, dark and heavy and desperate.

I grinned wickedly.

"Make yourself come."

Her eyes closed for a moment, a little line forming between her brows. "What?"

"I want to see what you did before me. How you got yourself off."

There was a sharp intake of air, and her eyes snapped open. They were hesitant, nervous, filled with a self-consciousness that I hadn't seen in a long time now.

I put my hands on her knees, opening her up more as I trailed my fingers over her skin until I was at the apex of her thighs.

My thumb lazily moved up.

Then down.

I waited until she was looking at me again before I spoke.

"Please?"

Her hand trembled as it made its descent, coming up to cup one of her tits through her dress - stalling, of course - before moving back down her stomach. She ran her hand over herself, dipping her fingers just inside, and then letting them graze her clit.

"Fuck, that's so hot," I murmured, feeling my balls ache at the sight.

I didn't dare put my hand on my dick, though. To do so would mean to come.

And I wasn't coming until I was buried inside my girl.

She gained a little confidence with my words, speeding up her movements and slowly beginning to rock her hips into her hand. Two fingers moved down, disappearing inside that soft, pink flesh of hers, and she bowed up and moaned.

When her thumb made a lazy pass at the top of her sex and she shuddered, coming just like I'd asked her to, I couldn't take it anymore.

"I think I've changed my mind," I snarled, pushing her hand away and moving between her legs. I plunged inside her and felt her body flutter around me. "I'm going to be the one to make you come. _Always_."

I thrust into her hard, watching her entire body start quaking, her head fall back, and her teeth dig into her lip. I grabbed her hips and kept slamming into her, hitting that fucking sweet spot inside her over and over again until she fell apart at the seams, my name echoing through the gym.

It was fast. Hard. So fucking good because for once, I stopped worrying about it all.

I let go.

Soon I was coming hard, spilling inside her, a flash of panic rushing through me as I did. Though, not as much as before.

But it was still there.

And fuck, I wanted it gone. Wanted to feel that sense of freedom again.

I dropped my head to her shoulder and pushed it all aside as I tried to find my fucking breath.

"Holy fuck, baby," I said, gulping down air.

"Mmm," she said. Her hands skimmed over my back slowly. "I think you just changed my entire outlook on this place."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not going to remember it the same way now, that's all."

I lifted my head, if only just to smirk down at her. "So what you're really saying is that I fucked the bad memories right out of you."

She laughed, and answered me with a sheepish shrug.

Well, I guessed that made two of us then. Because even though I wasn't completely over it all, Bella was doing the very same thing for me.

Every time.

* * *

><p>"Bella," Charlie exclaimed at the sight of us walking into the station together. "I thought you two were in Phoenix with your mom."<p>

She hurried over to her father's office before he had the chance to fully stand up and head toward us. "We were, but I wanted to see you."

He let her wrap her arms around his waist and patted her on the back, his eyes flickering up to me before letting out a sigh. "What is it?"

"Huh?"

"Bella, I know you're here for something specific. What is it?" he repeated.

"Oh, come on. Can't you just turn off the cop for once?"

"Not on your life," he returned, his lips curving some beneath his mustache.

"Well, it's not really for me..." she started.

"It's for me," I interrupted. I went inside Charlie's office and closed the door behind me. "I was hoping for a favor."

His brows knit together as he stared back at me. "What kind of favor?"

"How much of my past has Bella told you?"

"Nothing," he answered immediately. "I never wanted to know anything more than what was in your file."

"My file."

"You know, the one your parents altered."

I gazed at him for a few seconds, wondering if I should explain to him why half of my record had been erased.

And then decided against it.

"Ok, then, what do you know about me?"

"Born at Cook County Hospital, nineteen eighty-nine. Original name Edward Anthony Masen III. Adopted by the Cullens at fourteen. Birth mother's been in and out of jail and rehab for years. You, though... You're squeaky clean. Not even a speeding ticket. I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing, especially since I know how you drive."

I snorted. "Depends."

"Figures," he muttered. "You had a sister, Margaret Grace Masen, adopted at five to Liam and Siobhan Carr. My daughter's heart donor. That's really about it, other than inconsequential things like height, weight, eye color, the year you graduated from high school..."

I cleared my throat. "So you know who my father is."

"Just by the name on your birth certificate. I don't know anything else about him."

I sat down in one of the chairs across from Charlie and looked at Bella, silently urging her to sit with me.

I exhaled sharply once she did. "Here's the thing, sir. I don't have any memory of my sister. And I... I want to change that if I can. Or at least find out why I don't. Our mother never mentioned her. Not once in the twelve years I lived with her, and I can't stop myself from trying to figure it out."

"And where do I come in all this?" he asked.

"I wanted to see if maybe you'd run a search on my father. See where he is now. I had thought to find Elizabeth first, but I don't know if that's the best idea anymore. Not after everything I went through because of her."

"What are you afraid will happen?"

"That I'll revert back to some of my old tendencies," I answered, and then laughed at myself. "God, I sound like my shrink."

"Not necessarily a bad thing," he said gently. "Tell you what. It might take me a few days to find him. 'Edward Masen's' not a common name, but I can't spend all my time searching for him. You understand, don't you?"

"Of course," I answered. "I'd never expect you to."

He nodded. "Bella, you want to hang out at the house until my shift ends? I can grab a pizza on my way home."

"I think we were going to head over to the garage so Edward could work on my truck," she answered, glancing at me for confirmation.

"But we'll be there for dinner," I finished.

"All right. How long are you two planning on staying?"

"Just over the weekend," Bella responded. "Class starts on Monday."

"The new bed came in last week," the chief said casually.

"Then we'll stay with you while we're here."

_Wait. What?_

I blinked. Then stared at my girlfriend, sitting there like nothing was wrong at all, when I was reeling from this latest development.

Sleeping in the same house with Bella's father. It wasn't like I hadn't done it before or anything, but fuck, Emmett was right. It was before there was the label of the boyfriend. Before he knew we had sex.

"Holy hell," I mumbled under my breath.

Charlie smirked at me. "Problem, Edward?"

"No," I practically squeaked.

The smirk widened. "You'll be fine. The bed's brand new. You and Bella can... test it out for me."

I coughed and felt heat rise to my cheeks. "Excuse me?"

"The mattress," he said, although I could almost guarantee that was not his original meaning. "No one's slept on it yet."

"Jesus fucking..." I straightened up and nodded at him. "So we'll be sharing a room?"

"Not like there's anything to hide anymore, is there? Besides, you two are consenting adults."

"Dad-"

"Just remember to keep the noise down. I sleep with a gun on the nightstand. And I've been known to-"

"Daddy!" Bella shouted.

"- mistake innocent noises for burglaries before." He gazed at her innocently. "What? The kid's already been shot once. I wouldn't want it to happen again. Not with my gun."

"Yeah, right," she mumbled, clearly embarrassed.

He grinned.

Which was my cue to leave.

And I led Bella back out of the building and to the car, I found myself giving serious consideration to sleeping on the floor.


	31. Chapter 31

**Thanks for all the reviews and adds these last couple of weeks. Between Easter and my daughter's birthday, I've had no time to respond, much less write, and I apologize for that. I hope everyone had a great holiday, though! We sure did!**

**Thanks to Stratan for his mad beta skills, and to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 31<p>

**Bella**

"I can carry that, you know."

I reached for my black suitcase, only to have it yanked out of my reach.

"I know," Edward said, gazing down at me with smirk.

"Then give it to me."

"No." The smirk widened when he caught my annoyed expression. "One of us needs to open the door."

"Alice's car is here. She can do it for us."

"What if she's busy?"

"Then I'll call her before we head the rest of the way up."

"Bella, don't be fucking difficult. Just go upstairs and open the goddamned door," he laughed.

I started tapping my foot on the step. "You're doing it again."

"What, being your amazingly wonderful, charming as fuck boyfriend?"

"No, Edward. Babying me."

Green eyes pierced mine. "I'd never baby you. You know that."

"Then what do you call this? Or how about when I was sick?"

He let the suitcase rest on the step just above where he stood and dragged a hand through his hair. "Jesus fuck. You didn't have an _objection_ to it when you were sick."

"I did! I said something when you bought all those vitamins before we left for my mom's. But I let it go because you were freaking out. We both were."

"So what? That means I can't carry your suitcase up the steps for you now?" He shook his head. "You know what, Bella? Forget it. Carry the fucking suitcase. I don't care."

He threw it at me with a snarl, and I had to hurry to catch it before it clattered all the way down to the first floor.

Before I knew it, he was up the stairs, leaving me there to sputter behind him.

I took a second to try to figure out what had just happened, and then I grabbed my stuff back up and chased after him.

I turned the corner and found him pacing the hall, talking to himself as he typically did when he was worked up, and I suddenly felt ridiculous for starting a fight like I had. For God's sake, it was_ luggage. _Two weeks of crap that had gotten me through all the time spent with my mother. He'd dealt with all her prejudices and her overbearing attitude for me. He'd worked with Alice to give me probably the best Christmas gift I'd ever receive...

He skipped therapy sessions to do it all.

And all he wanted in return was to heft my stuff up a flight of stairs.

What was my problem?

"I'm sorry," I said as I approached him. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

He stopped pacing and stared back at me.

"Yes, I do. I'm stressed out."

"Same here. Charlie will be calling in a few days and I..."

"Exactly," I breathed.

"I don't know why, though. This is what I asked for, and now I'm on the verge of panicking over it." He chewed on his cheek for a moment. "Never mind. I don't know how to describe it."

"You spent the majority of your twenty-three years hating your dad for abandoning you," I replied. "I don't really see how there's anything else to describe."

He nodded and got back to the original topic. "I'm not the same dickhead I was when you met me. Things are different between us. You matter to me more than anything else now."

"I know."

"I think it's a good thing. But do you?"

"Of course I do," I replied emphatically.

"Then don't do this kind of shit. Please. I've only gotten to do one truly selfless thing for you since we got together, and it was under the guise of a stupid Christmas present."

"It wasn't stupid."

"Stop trying to change the subject," he snapped.

But then he ran his hand over the back of his neck and smiled at me sheepishly. He wasn't angry anymore. Just anxious.

I hated it for him.

"Is that what you're doing? Showing me you care about me?"

"Mostly, yes. It's a struggle every day for me still, baby, to prove to myself that I can do this. And maybe I'm overcompensating, but fuck, if you keep denying me, I'm going to get a complex and stop trying completely."

I knew he was joking about the last part, but he had a point. "I'm sorry," I said again. "Next time you can carry all of the luggage."

His lips pursed unhappily. "Maybe I should rethink this."

"Well," I said slyly, "I guess you should have thought about that before getting so mad about it."

He arched his brow but said nothing in return.

I unlocked the door and moved through the threshold, stopping just inside the living room to hold the door open for Edward while he rolled our luggage inside. When he had everything situated in the living room, I locked up behind him.

Thinking Alice was in her room studying, I started through the apartment, her name on my lips, only to stop short at a sound coming from down the hall.

Or more specifically, coming from her room.

There it was again, and my eyes shot to Edward's, wide with disbelief.

_Thump._

_Thump._

"The fuck?" Edward exclaimed. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Oh, my God," I said, scrambling to get to the front door. "We have to get out of here."

"Hell no." He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch. "We're going nowhere."

"But they-"

"I'm done with the secrecy. Fucking done, Bella. They can explain when they're finished."

"And we're supposed to listen to this in the meantime?" I scoffed. "I don't think so."

"Earbuds. Where are they?"

"In my bag, like always. Why?"

"Listen to your iPod if you don't want to hear it."

"And what about you?" I asked him.

"I lived with Emmett. I'm used to hearing weird shit," he said dryly.

"But I thought you said Emmett and Rosalie didn't..."

He threw me a sidelong look. "Emmett wasn't always with Rosalie, baby."

I blinked._ "Oh."_

Neither of us spoke again until it seemed that Jasper and Alice were through.

"Jasper's got some stamina," I murmured.

Edward's expression was suddenly murderous.

"Like you weren't thinking it."

"You say anything else about some other guy and his fucking capabilities, and I swear to God-"

"Oh, stop. He's your brother."

"He's still a _guy_," he argued.

I shook my head, and glanced toward the hall when I heard them talking. "You should close your eyes in case she walks out naked. Alice would be really upset if you saw her."

"You close your eyes," he shot back, still aggravated with me. "Jasper's likely to be just as naked."

"I'm not closing my eyes."

"Neither am I."

We glared at each other, locked in a standoff, and then abruptly burst into laughter.

"This is the most fucked up-"

"Bella!" Alice shrieked. "You guys are back!"

I was terrified to look away from Edward.

"Um... Is it safe to look at you while I talk?"

"What?" And then she realized what I was getting at. "Oh, shit, you heard us?"

"How does the saying go?" I asked Edward, struggling not to giggle.

He smiled. "I think it goes something like, 'you're busted'."

"Yep, that'd be the one."

I finally gazed up at Alice - thankfully, she had a t-shirt on - and gave her a smug, satisfied grin.

"You two are so busted."

xx

We all sat in the living room in silence, none of us knowing where exactly to begin. Alice kept deferring to Jasper, who would simply glance away awkwardly. I didn't want things to get weird now that their relationship was out in the open. And as much as I wanted to know the story, if Jasper wasn't ready to talk to us about it then I wouldn't make him.

I almost pouted at that.

"So..." I began, "we've known about you guys since Thanksgiving."

Alice's eyes bulged. "You have?"

I shrugged. "It's not a big deal. I don't know why you guys are making it one."

"Tell him that!" she said, pointing over at Jasper.

He glowered at her.

Apparently, not everything had changed between them.

"You don't get to be pissed off at me!" she yelled at him. "I've wanted to talk to my best friend about you for months, but because you're acting like a fucking idiot-"

"Alice," he growled.

She backed down with the furious look on Jasper gave her. "Why does everything have to be a secret? Are you... Are you ashamed of me or something?"

"No, of course not." His face crumpled. "I just... I'm ashamed of _me_. Not you."

"What?"

"I spent months trying to get those two to realize how much they loved each other, and then when it happened to me... I fucking freaked out about it and ran away. I was an asshole to you. It was like..."

"You were acting like me," Edward said lowly.

"Yeah." Jasper glanced over at him. "Not that it's unreasonable with our pasts, really, but after everything I'd said? Seemed really fucking hypocritical."

"Wait, Jazz, wha-?" Alice swallowed thickly. "Did you just say you love me?"

He shifted in his seat so that he could stare at her. His eyes were soft, his face warm.

I quickly averted my gaze.

"Yeah," he whispered. "I love you."

I hit Edward's leg and motioned for him to follow me into my room. I waited until he was sitting on the bed, the door closed behind us, before saying anything.

"As much as I want to know how they stopped fighting and started..."

"Fucking instead?" Edward prompted.

I continued with my thought, a wry smile on my lips from his words, "I didn't think we should be there for that."

"No." He ran his hand through his hair and glanced up at me. "I already knew he was in love with her, though."

"Really?"

He nodded once. "Whenever someone would talk about her or when she'd walk into the room, his eyes would light up. He needs her. You saw how she is with him. She's loud and abrasive, but it forces him to stop being so introverted and self-conscious all the time."

He stood up and moved toward me, quiet until his hands were wrapped around my waist; his body pressed against mine.

"I kept thinking that must be the way I look at you."

"You do," I agreed. "Every single day."

A small smile graced his lips. "Because you're my entire fucking world. Everything would be shit without you in my life. Everything _was_ shit before you were in my life."

"Edward, don't-"

He kissed me slowly, cutting off my protest.

"Not fair," I managed to get out.

He chuckled and pulled away just enough so that he could see me clearly. "Funny how we all found someone who can cut right through our bullshit."

"So I'm loud and abrasive like Rose and Alice?"

Another laugh. "No. You're patient and understanding. Entirely too fucking rational for your own good. You've helped to make me better, Isabella Swan. Nothing I'll ever do or say will be enough to repay you for it."

"But I don't want or need to be repaid, Edward. I just want to be with you."

* * *

><p>"Bella!"<p>

I whirled around to see Jasper running toward me.

"Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital right now?"

"I told my professor I had some family stuff to take care of," he explained.

"Family stuff?" I asked, confused. "What family stuff?"

"You," he replied. And then he grinned. "I wanted to know if you could go to lunch with me."

"Lunch."

"Yeah, you know. Like we used to."

"Um... Okay, I guess."

The smile widened, and Jasper held out his hand for me to take. "Off campus?"

"Uh, sure. Why not?"

The walk was quiet. I kept trying to figure out ways to break the silence, but every thought I had seemed to circle back to Alice.

Annoyed with myself, I sighed. Jasper had always been such a good friend of mine. And yet I couldn't think of anything to say other than to ask how he finally managed to be my best friend's boyfriend.

"What's up, B?"

"I... It's nothing. It's fine. How's school?"

"Clinicals suck ass," he admitted honestly. "You?"

"Eh... Not much to say, really. They're all pre-reqs."

He stared ahead for a moment. "I don't want this to cause problems between you and Alice."

"It won't," I said fervently.

"I've never done this before. And I feel like I've totally fucked up some things now."

The words were far, far too familiar. "It's not going to cause problems," I repeated, grabbing at his arm to slow him down. To make him see.

He studied me, and then nodded once.

"I'm happy for you two. You're... you're an awesome guy. And I thought you and Alice would be good together from the very beginning."

"She might've said something like that," he answered with a grin. "Can I ask why?"

"I don't know. There was something about the two of you, your personalities... I just thought you'd fit well. Complement each other."

I trailed off, blushing.

"We do," he said quietly. "Thanks for seeing it."

"Well, someone had to," I joked. "Neither of you were going to do it."

He chuckled. "I'm pretty fucking observant when it comes to other people's lives, but I'm completely oblivious to my own shit. Go figure."

"I don't think you were oblivious to it. I think you were taken by surprise. I mean, you're kind of a planner, Jasper, and to have such an intense reaction to someone..."

"I got scared. Yeah. I know." He paused and started walking again. "Remember that Halloween party I got dressed up for?"

"Sure I do."

"Alice went, too."

"Is that when it happened?"

He smiled, and I had my answer.

"You guys didn't go together, did you?"

Surely Alice would have told me something about it. Even if it was something small, like knowing that Jasper was going to the party, too. As much as she liked to pretend otherwise – live her life as she had before - I knew it'd bothered her how much Jasper ignored her.

She'd liked him. From the very beginning.

"Are you kidding me, Bella? I couldn't stand her. She was there with someone else. Pissed me right the fuck off."

"Jealous?"

"Insanely," he lamented.

I giggled.

"I was such a dick to her," he continued. "We were outside and she looked so pretty, which made me act like even more of an idiot. So I'm shouting at her; she's yelling right back, and then the next thing I know _I'm_ the one kissing_ her_. I thought it was to shut her up, because Christ, once Alice gets going, she just doesn't quit."

"You're not telling me anything I don't already know there."

"But halfway through the kiss, I stopped being so pissed off."

"Yeah?" I asked anxiously.

"And I realized that I liked how she antagonized me. I liked kissing her. I just liked _her._"

I somehow managed to hold back the 'aw' on the tip of my tongue and let him keep talking at his own pace.

"I asked her out on a date, which shocked the shit out of her, I think. But she agreed." He sighed for some reason. "I shouldn't have asked her to keep it from you. She tells you everything, and it wasn't really fair to either of you."

"Did you really do it because you were ashamed of your reaction to her?"

"Yeah, but that wasn't the only reason. I didn't want to disappoint anyone when I failed. I... I've never really been in a relationship before, and that's my fault. I couldn't let go of my shit long enough to see if people would actually be revolted by my scars."

"Jas, no one's revolted," I interjected. "In fact, a lot of people think they're pretty awesome. Or hot, depending on who you're talking to."

"I know that now."

"You and your brother are a lot more alike than you probably realize. Edward's always had this fear that once people knew about his past, they'd start looking at him differently - his family included. So he's always shut people out before they could."

He cleared his throat and stopped, glancing at the door to a small restaurant Edward and I ordered takeout from a lot. "Is this cool with you?"

"Sure."

Inside, we sat down and quickly glanced over the menu. The waitress came by, and Jasper gave me a strange look after we ordered.

"What?"

"Hummus? Since when?"

"Since I felt like it. It's really good here. I even got Edward to try it."

"And?"

"He... tolerated it," I said with a laugh. "It reminded me of my dad when I first moved in with him."

He smiled that perfect smile of his, the one I hadn't realized I'd missed since then. "I know Edward and I are a lot alike," he said, almost randomly, and I had to figure out what he was referring to. "I just didn't want to admit it. I thought I was more… well-adjusted."

I didn't know how to respond to that. It seemed that maybe Jasper wasn't that well-adjusted after all. But it wasn't my place to help him sort out his feelings behind it.

It was Alice's.

And I had enough faith in her to think she would.

Lunch brightened up a bit after that. We talked more about school, Edward, the rest of the Cullens. We even discussed going out on a double date, and then quickly decided against it. Edward hated dates. Even though I wanted him to broaden his horizons, so to speak, I wasn't going to push him into it. After all, I'd already nudged him in that direction when I told him he needed friends. Friends _outside _of his family and me. He'd already branched out a little on his own when he allowed Alice to work her way into his life. But it was up to him to take that final step, find another piece of the normality he craved.

And I knew he needed to let someone unknown, someone unconnected to us, in to do so.

Jasper walked me home, if only just to see Alice for a little while before he went off to his last class of the day. I decided to clean my bedroom to give them some privacy, so I grabbed the few cleaning products I'd need out of the kitchen and hurried off before they could see me.

They were so damned cute.

I changed my sheets and dusted the furniture. I slipped back out into the hall to grab the vacuum out of the closet, and then found Edward grabbing at my ass when I was bent over to plug it in.

"Hi."

"Hi," he echoed softly.

I stood up and closed my eyes, biting back a moan at the feel of his hands running over my body.

"I was thinking," he whispered into my ear.

"Yeah?"

"This... is going to get old. Fast."

"What is?"

"Sharing our apartments with another couple," he elaborated and popped the button on the fly of my jeans.

I frowned. He had a point. Unless we had some kind of schedule - which I was fairly certain was _not_ happening - there was no way to determine who'd be where on which nights and how it would interfere with the others' plans.

"Okay?"

"So I was trying to figure out ways to fix it. Alice picked this apartment out and all the shit in it, right?"

"Except for my bedroom, yeah."

"Well," his hand dipped down inside them now, traveling south, and I could hardly breathe, "my apartment is so fucking dreary."

I swallowed hard when his teeth nipped at my ear, his breath ghosting over my neck.

"Esme's been waiting for us to give her the go-ahead to remodel it, but neither of us have really had time to fuck with that kind of thing."

His fingers found my sex, exploring, teasing...

"Oh, G-God," I stuttered. "Where are you going with this?"

"We're only allowed to paint, but we could get new furniture and all that other shit. Make it... ours."

My eyes flew open.

Edward tensed behind me.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I rasped out.

"When your lease is up," I swore I felt a tremor run through him, "and if Alice and Jasper are still together, yeah."

A sob bubbled up in my chest; Edward's hands slipped away. I spun around to face him, to see his face clearly.

His eyes were determined, honest, countering the terrified expression he wore. "I um- I thought maybe I could do it. I... Fuck, I'm nervous."

"What were you doing just now; buttering me up?" Hastily, I pulled at the zipper and closed the button on my jeans. "Cause that's kind of mean."

"Sorry?" he answered hopefully.

"Why? You're getting what you want." I brought my hands up to frame his face. "My answer's yes."

"What?" His eyes darted to mine, seeking truth, and then he gave me a smile that took the air right out of my lungs. "Bella, you're sure?"

I nodded. "But finish what you were saying. I want to hear your reasoning."

He cleared his throat awkwardly, and wound his arms around my waist to steady himself. "I've known you for eight months now. When your lease is up, it will be fifteen months. I think I... want to take the next step. I miss you when you're in class or working or whatever, and really fucking hate the nights we spend apart. I don't want to keep doing it, but I want to go slow. I can't... If I fucked it up by moving too fast-"

"Shh." I put my hand over his lips to stop his rambling. "You're not moving too fast."

"No?"

"Not for me, no. Edward, you're the one who has to set the pace for this. It's not going to work if you're not comfortable with it."

"I am comfortable with it," he objected. "That's why I asked. I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing, as usual."

He looked so annoyed at the whole situation, I couldn't help but laugh. "And you think I do?"

"I-" He stopped himself and scowled. "I guess not."

"It doesn't matter that we're a couple bumbling idiots."

"Thanks for the encouragement, Bella," he grumbled.

"It doesn't matter," I repeated, undeterred, "because - and this is really cheesy -"

"Please don't go all sappy on me," he whined.

I grinned. "You're just as sappy as me now, I'll have you know."

"Fuck," he muttered. "I probably am."

"Is that bad?"

"No," he admitted. "I just feel really fucking...

But rather than finishing the sentence, he simply shrugged and cast his gaze to the floor.

I knew the conversation was over. Whatever thought that went with the admission had freaked him out, and he'd shut down on me.

I sighed and moved over to the bed, dragging my book bag up off of the floor. "I've got to study. Are you staying or going?"

He checked the time. "Going. For now. I'll be back later, though. I've got to pull a few articles and then-"

"Okay."

I didn't give him an 'I love you' or any of my usual parting words; instead, I yanked my books out of my bag and spread them out over the bed. It was irrational, but I was upset. Upset because I thought we'd gotten farther than this. Because he hadn't shut me out in longer than I could remember.

And even though I knew there'd be times like this - likely for as long as I'd know him - I still had this selfish, knee-jerk reaction to cry about it.

"Bella," he groaned.

Then, with a frustrated huff, he left.

Somehow, I was able to push everything away and concentrate. Eventually, though, it all caught up to me anyway. I hated how things were between us right now. Every little thing seemed to be annoying us both, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I didn't want our relationship to be perfect, by any account, but I couldn't stand how we'd managed to let one man from Edward's past come between us.

Because if this was affecting us, then how were we going to be able to get through Chicago, if Edward decided that he still wanted to go? Elizabeth Masen was far worse of a threat than the senior Edward Masen any day.

Edward came back into my room, disrupting my thoughts. He stood there awkwardly, his hand twitching at his side like he was fighting the urge to drag it through his hair.

"I don't like this, Bella. I don't fucking like it at all."

"Me neither."

"What the fuck is with us?" he demanded.

I shrugged. To admit anything I was thinking openly seemed almost like jinxing it.

Stupid, of course, but there it was.

His breath came out sharply just before he closed the distance between us. "Baby... Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you," I swore.

"Then..."

"You always tell me what you're thinking."

"No, I don't."

"You do. You might not want to, but you tell me."

His jaw clenched. "I just feel really fucking stupid about it."

"Why?"

"Because I- Fuck, I don't know, Bella." He sat down beside me. "I was just realizing how being all sentimental and shit with you makes me feel..."

He let out a growl.

"Vulnerable, weak, exposed."

I gaped at him.

"I can dig a thesaurus out and find some more synonyms for it if you'd like."

I shoved at his chest, trying not to smile. "Seriously, Edward. You shouldn't feel that way with me."

"It's not you, Bella." He fell back against my pillow and covered his eyes with his arm. "It's the fact that I've let you in more than anyone else. That you see everything about me now. There's nothing you don't know about me; fuck, you even know the things in my past that I haven't had the balls to say out loud yet. And as much as I want you to know it all, as much as I trust you, it still scares the absolute fucking piss out of me sometimes."

"Your pants look dry to me."

He moved his hand away to glare at me. "Now who's not being serious?"

"Sorry."

"So am I. I've been used to keeping people out for so long... I don't know. It's like the last of my old self is being peeled away by admitting that I'm not actually as tough as I'd like to fucking think I am."

"I think you are." I slid up next to him and let my hand drift over his torso. "I happen to think you're pretty badass."

He snorted with laughter. "Fuck off, Bella."

"You fuck off, Edward," I retorted playfully and snuggled up against him.

"So we're okay?"

"Why wouldn't we be?"

His shoulder jerked up under my head. "Because this is the most we've fought in... ever."

"It wasn't really fighting, though. We're pretty tame compared to some people. I mean, the neighbors aren't complaining. Not even about Jasper and Alice's arguments."

"Thank fuck." He shifted beside me, and let his hand come up to the skin exposed at my waist. "Want to do the whole make-up sex thing now?"

"If you're not going to tease me like you did before."

"Think of it as payback for all the times you've gotten me hard and haven't been able to finish me off."

"It's not like I'm purposely doing it!" I replied, giving him a look.

His answering smile was wicked. "Still."

For a fleeting moment, I thought of rolling away and not giving him what he wanted, but with the way he was staring at me and the words "finish me off" still echoing in my mind, it was just that: a thought.

I sat up a little, pushing his shirt up so that I could see his scars before I dipped my head down to trail kisses over every last one, something I'd wanted to do from the first second he let me see them.

Not satisfied, I jerked his shirt over his head and smiled down at him.

"What are you doing?"

"You'll see."

I pulled his shoulder up off the bed to gain access to the exit wound on his back.

_One._

Then to its corresponding scar on his chest.

_Two._

To the second, round scar. The one that would have killed him had he so much as flinched.

_Three._

I licked up the line that divided his sternum, realizing that mine would look like it as years passed.

_Four._

"See, you_ are_ tough," I murmured against his skin. His breath came out in a rush, and I stole a glance at him to make sure he was okay.

His teeth had a hold of his bottom lip, and his face was screwed up with something I couldn't decipher. But his eyes...

They were how I knew he was still with me.

My mouth continued to move over him, until I was unbuttoning his fly and pushing his jeans down his legs. His hips bucked up into my hand as I wrapped it around him, a groan working its way out of chest as I kissed every part of his body but where he wanted my mouth the most.

Then in some twisted form of deprivation, my phone rang.

"Motherfucker," Edward hissed, "ignore it."

I wanted to. God, I wanted to. But something nagged at me to answer it.

Resigned, he blindly reached out for the phone and tossed it toward me. I fumbled for it, and checked the display as soon as I had it in my grasp.

I glanced up at Edward, watching all the blood drain out of his face - his hands making quick work to redress himself - as I did.

And I had to say it, give him confirmation of what he already knew... what he was practically panicking over that very second.

"It's Charlie."


	32. Chapter 32

***waves quickly* Ok, things are hectic so I'm gonna make it short and sweet. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything.** **Dear Maggie is up for Fic of the Week again over on The Lemonade Stand. My God, you people amaze me. It's up with some of my own favs this time. So go vote...**

**www. tehlemonadestand . blogspot. com**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta'age. Thanks to stephk0525, claireoth, and twilover76 for prereading.**

**In case you're wondering, this fic will likely wrap up at ch 38. I already have a partial 36 written, and the epi is done. I just don't see it being much longer than that. But there may, quite possibly, be some futuretakes after it's all said and done. There are a couple of scenes I'd like to do. I just need to find the time :)**

* * *

><p>Chapter 32<p>

**Edward**

"Dead?" I shouted. "How could he be-?"

I broke off with a curse, knocking the first thing of substance I could find off of Bella's desk - one of her textbooks. It fell to the floor with a muffled thunk, and then I kicked it out of the way so I could pace the length of the room.

Dead. The word kept bouncing around in my head and caused something strange to bubble up inside me. It took my breath, had my entire body quaking. It made me sick to my stomach, and all at once, I had to stop and brace myself against the wall so I didn't fucking heave all over Bella's bedroom.

"When?" I asked between my teeth.

I could hear the chief's sigh come through the speaker. "Edward, I-"

"_When?" _

"Eighteen years ago." Another sigh. "Listen, I'm going to quickly run through all I know about it, which isn't much. I haven't had time to dig into specifics, and I didn't know if it was even something you wanted..."

"Good, because I don't want it," I assured him.

"Okay," Charlie said quietly. "Cause of death was listed as melanoma. Coroner's report states that it had metastasized to... It doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Nope."

"Didn't think so. I don't have much else. I do know that when he died, Maggie was put into foster care."

"Maggie lived with him?" I croaked.

"Seems so. I can find more out about it if you-"

"No."

Silence.

"Edward, I think you need to know."

My eyes shifted to Bella. "Why? Why should I waste my time finding everything I can about him? The fucker is gone now. And when he was alive... I mean, he took his daughter but left his son... With that... that _bitch_."

"But you said your mom wasn't always like that," she reasoned. "How was he to know?"

"How was he to know," I repeated, a strange note in my voice. "He didn't _care_ enough to know. He didn't care enough to want me with them. He never visited, never called... Not even when he knew he was dying. There was nothing from him. Not an apology or-"

The pacing resumed.

"Dad, let me call you back tomorrow, okay?" I heard Bella whisper into the receiver.

The chief's muffled response came back immediately, and then Bella groaned.

"Come on. You just told him that his father's been dead for most of his life. Cut him some slack."

The phone flopped to the bed, and she regarded me quietly.

"Why does this fucking matter to me?" I asked her, not expecting any kind of answer. "I haven't wanted anything to do with him in years, and now that I find out he's dead, I feel..."

What the fuck was it that I felt? Remorse? Anger? Goddamned curiosity?

"Why didn't Elizabeth take her after he died?" I demanded. "Why didn't _he_ take _me_? It's not like he went far or anything. Apparently, the bastard stayed in Illinois."

"Baby..."

"Damn it!" I fumed. "The fact that he's gone shouldn't make a difference. None of it should make a difference now."

"But it does."

"Why is that, huh?"

"I don't know. Because before he was just some asshole who wasn't worth your time, and now he's not only that, but he's also a dead asshole. Someone you'll never get to shout at like this or hear an explanation from," she answered.

"As much as I hate the guy, I wanted to find him. I hoped... Fuck, I hoped we'd find him holed up in some little apartment somewhere and then I wouldn't have to go to Chicago. I wouldn't have to see my mother. Except finding this shit out about him did me absolutely no good. I _still _have to go back."

My legs gave out from under me, the chair beside me the only thing keeping me from falling flat on my ass.

"You don't _have _to, Edward. You know that."

I put my face in my hands and focused on calming down. "Right."

"You don't," she argued. "It doesn't matter if you find out the reasons behind it all. Not really. You are who you are in spite of everything that happened. _Because_ of it."

"So I'm just supposed to let it all go?"

"Hasn't Dr. Banner been saying that for months?" she returned.

"I don't... I don't think I can." I swallowed hard. "As scared as I am that I'll be fucked up again after... I need the closure. I need one of them to look at me and tell me why I didn't mean shit to them. How they could abandon me at every chance possible."

She was quiet for a while. "Do you think if you talked to Elizabeth you'd honestly get closure out of it?"

"I don't-"

"Because I'm not so sure. I know you, baby. You live inside that head of yours. Who's to say that by talking to your mom, you won't relive that stuff again and push us all away? You say you're scared... but I don't think you realize that I am too. We all are."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Losing you," she breathed, and my heart sank. "I can't do it again."

xx

The living room was dark. Quiet. I stared at the display of DVDs across the room. On top of the case rested the one DVD I hadn't seen yet, the one I'd avoided for months now.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and tried to see if maybe I could finally open it. With everything I'd been through, this should have been a fucking cake walk. But for some reason, something always held me back. Maybe it had to do with the fact that seeing a video of my sister, her mannerisms - her smile - was different than seeing posed pictures of her. I'd be seeing her, as she was when she was still alive. A girl I'd never truly get to know.

Or maybe it was just because of me. My shit. My hang-ups.

"Fuck it," I growled and rushed over to snatch the DVD up before I could change my mind.

But I didn't watch it.

I stared at my hands. The wall. The floor. Everything but the blue screen on the TV or the DVD sitting in the tray.

"Hey, you," Bella whispered, padding over to where I sat on the couch. "What are you doing up?"

I shrugged a shoulder and turned the remote over in my hands. All I needed to do was press play. Now that Bella was here, though, I knew I would. I'd push past whatever it was that was keeping me from seeing another piece of my history, my family.

Because she made it so that I _could._

She picked up my journal from the coffee table and skimmed her fingers over the page.

"Don't read it. It's fucking stupid," I told her.

She pulled the journal away when I reached out for it, shaking her head as she read, "Darkness creeps over me again, casting a shadow on my soul. It comes closer until it blankets me, suffocating the very part of me I worked so hard to find. It's familiar. It's new. It's a life I didn't want. A death I wish hadn't happened. It's anger... a loathing that's as deep a part of me as what defines the color of my eyes. It's inescapable. It's everywhere I turn. It's grief. And it's mine."

I kept my eyes trained on the wall, having no idea what to say after that. I barely remembered writing it. To hear it out loud...

"This is what you feel? Grief for your father or... Maggie?"

"I told you it was fucking stupid," I snarled defensively.

"It's not. Not at all. I'm amazed that you, of all people, can write out what you're feeling like this."

I huffed, but a smile tugged at my lips.

_Smartass._

"Watch this with me?"

"What is it?"

I held up the DVD case so that Bella could see the writing on the front.

Her eyes went wide, snapping to the TV when the video began.

The image shook and whispers were heard off camera. Once steadied, you could see Maggie sitting up on stage, her blonde hair pulled back off of her face, black dress blending in with the piano. A few seconds went by; her hands hovered above the keys, and then the sound of her piece filtered through the speakers.

There was an audible gasp, and I let my eyes drift over to Bella in an effort to get the explanation without actually talking. As ridiculous as it sounded, I didn't want my voice - or any part of me, for that matter - to interfere with the music my sister played.

"Siobhan," she answered in a whisper. "She said she hadn't heard the beginning yet."

My brows knit together.

"It was the hardest for Maggie to write. She wanted to start off almost whimsically, she said, and couldn't ever seem to get it the way she pictured it."

But watching her at the piano, hearing how seamless the music was, made that statement seem wrong somehow. There was no way Maggie struggled to write this, unless she was...

"Fuck, she was a perfectionist, too," I mumbled the second the piece ended.

Bella's eyes shifted to mine. "Too?"

"Something I've kind of realized lately," I answered.

Her lips curved into a little, wry smile. "Took you long enough."

"Shut the fuck up."

She laughed. "So what made you decide to watch this, anyway?"

"I'm not really sure. I couldn't sleep and came in here so I didn't wake you up. It was kind of like your journal, actually. I just let it fucking sit there and taunt me until I couldn't take it anymore."

She nodded, and the sound of an excited giggle made my blood run cold.

"_Mom!" _At the Carrs' now, Maggie flashed an acceptance letter to the camera. Her green eyes focused on something above the lens. _"Can you believe it? I got it. I got it!"_

My heart was lodged in my throat; my stomach lurched at the sound of her voice. That voice... I could hear it saying my name, warm and loving. Again, hollow and dead. A voice I hadn't heard in eleven years.

One I hadn't exactly _wanted _to hear ever again.

"Turn it off," I panted. "Turn it off."

Bella fumbled for the remote but it was too late. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. I jumped off of the couch and ran for the kitchen sink, clinging to the edge while I tried to keep from puking everything up. My vision blurred as blood rushed to my head, drowning reality out.

And I was stuck in the closet again, shaking, hiding. Terrified that my stomach would growl and they'd find me. The sound of Elizabeth's drunken laughter rang out, but the beauty I'd once been able to find in it - clung to - had been stripped away now that I knew what her laugh was meant to sound like.

It was so fucking wrong. All of it was.

Suddenly, water was being splashed over my face; cool hands ran over my neck. The roaring in my ears died down, and I could hear Bella murmuring something to me.

_Her_ voice was soothing, dragging me out of my memories.

"Jesus fucking..." My voice cracked, and I shook my head and tried it again. "She sounds like Elizabeth."

She blinked up at me confusedly, her hands holding the washcloth tightly. "Baby, what are you talking about?"

"Fuck, Bella. Elizabeth and Maggie... They have the same voice."

* * *

><p>"Same voice, huh?" Dr. Banner asked, his face full of intrigue.<p>

"Yeah. Freaked me the fuck out."

"How do you mean?"

"I uh," fingers through my hair, "had a panic attack. At least, I think that's what it was."

"Think?"

"It was different. I mean, the physical reaction was the same. I couldn't breathe and wanted to hurl everywhere, but the emotional shit was different." I paused, thinking of the best way to describe it. "It was a part of my past that I think about a lot. Not that I want to, but I do. But it wasn't-"

"Let me interrupt for a second, Edward. What were you remembering specifically?"

"One of the many times I hid in the closet as a kid. It... God, Elizabeth would straighten up for a while and pretend like she gave a shit, and then she'd go into this... fucking depression. She'd sit on the couch almost catatonic, and I'd have to take care of myself. Then when she'd finally snap out of it..."

"She binged."

"Yep. On guys, alcohol, drugs - whatever she got her hands on."

"So back to the memory. Why were the emotions different?" he asked.

"I heard her laugh at something from my spot in the closet. I was maybe seven or eight, I think? But after hearing Maggie's laughter, I realized how different it should have sounded. How... even drunk and high, it sounded sad. All the time. Something was wrong with her. And I don't mean just the fact that she was a shitty fucking parent and an addict. There was something seriously wrong with her."

"And?" Dr. Banner prompted.

"I think it's connected to my father."

"How so?"

"I had Bella's dad do some digging."

"Why?"

"I wish I knew," I mumbled.

He studied me for a moment.

"I really don't fucking know," I told him hotly. "I know I said I didn't want to at first, but now, I have this weird urge to find out all about how Maggie ended up all the way in Texas. I can't... I can't explain it. As much as I keep telling myself the reasons don't matter, I still wonder about it. Constantly."

"Okay, so how do you think it's connected to your father?"

"He died when I was five. And Maggie was adopted by her family a few months later. It was all right around the time Elizabeth's behavior changed. Right around the time I lost my mom."

I didn't bother hiding how much that fucking hurt to admit. Dr. Banner would see through the charade anyway.

"I think it's best we stop there," he said gently.

I nodded once.

"How's the journal writing going?"

"I don't know why I started it."

"You said you felt you had to. You don't still feel that way?"

There was a tug at my chest, one I couldn't deny. "Yeah. Unfortunately."

He chuckled. "Having writer's block or something, Edward?"

"No. I write just fucking fine. That's the problem."

He waited for me to elaborate.

Goddamn, I still hated it when he did that.

"It comes out all poetic and shit most of the time. It's stupid."

He put the paper and pen aside and stretched out his hand. "May I be the judge of that?"

I hesitated, thinking very seriously of telling him to go fuck himself, and then realized it was useless. He'd get a hold of it eventually; he always did.

"Fuck, fine."

I passed over the journal and gazed toward the window as he unwrapped the red strap that bound it together and opened it.

I fidgeted nervously as he read it.

"There is some great stuff in here, Edward," he said genuinely, and my eyes shot to his in disbelief. "You've got some talent."

"I do not," I scoffed.

"Don't belittle it," he chastised. "It seems there might be some creative genius that runs in your biological family."

My gaze fell to his feet. "You really think something good can come out of that fucking family tree?"

"Well, you've heard Maggie's work, watched her play. I don't see how there couldn't."

Anger flared inside me for just a moment, before rationality got a hold of me. The genius descriptor was still debatable - on my end, at least. But there was no denying that whatever creativity the two of us had, had been inherited from one of our biological parents.

I set my jaw stubbornly and stared back at Dr. Banner. No way was I admitting that aloud right now.

And maybe not ever.

The rest of the session went by quickly after that. We talked about Bella, my family... normal things. Almost like idle chat, but really, I knew it wasn't. Dr. Banner analyzed everything. I was sure this was just some other way to see how I was progressing.

Hopefully, I was still up to par.

I fired off a quick text to Bella to let her know I was finished, and then grabbed my journal and went to leave. Just when I had my hand on the door handle, the door was shoved open and a tall guy with sandy blonde hair came crashing into me, knocking my journal from my hands.

"Oh, shit!" He darted past me and picked it up. "I'm sorry, dude. I'm so fucking clumsy-"

"It's fine," I answered through my teeth.

And then I took a good look at him.

"I know you," I said slowly. "You go to UDub."

"Yeah. Uh... Ben Cheney." He went to shake my hand, but the journal was still in it. "Oh, fuck. You might want that back, huh?"

My eyebrows shot up with how much I wanted to laugh at the poor bastard.

"Yeah. Thanks." I took it from him and cleared my throat. "I'm Edward Cullen."

The door to Dr. Banner's office opened, and Dr. Banner was brought up short at seeing the two of us in his waiting room.

"I see you've met my stepson, Edward."

"Sorta. The asshole just about knocked me down."

"Fucking snitch," he snorted beside me.

I laughed once.

"So," Ben questioned, rocking on his heels, "are you just as screwed up as the rest of his patients?"

"Ben," Dr. Banner warned.

"Bob," Ben retorted mockingly.

Dr. Banner exhaled sharply. "I'm sorry, Edward. Ben thinks what I do is a joke."

"I don't think what you do is a joke," Ben protested, rolling his eyes. "I make jokes out of it because it pisses you off. And you're hilarious when you're pissed."

"Ah..." I trailed off awkwardly. "My girlfriend's waiting for me to pick up dinner so..."

Ben waved me off lazily. "See you around campus, Cullen. Maybe we can hang or whatever sometime."

"Um... sure?"

I was still scratching my head at what had happened when I reached my car. I unlocked the doors and got inside, reaching into my pocket for my phone as soon as I was seated.

"Hey!" Bella greeted happily. "Change your mind? No Thai tonight?"

"No, that's fine. I uh... I'm just sort of confused, I guess."

"With what?"

"I..." I let out a nervous chuckle and ran my hand over the back of my neck. "Believe it or not, I think I just made that friend you wanted me to have."

* * *

><p>Tanya grinned widely as she skimmed over the paper going around the room. She took one for herself, and passed the rest off to me.<p>

"Another patient interview," she said excitedly.

"Goodie," I mumbled sarcastically, practically throwing the papers at the guy sitting beside me.

I hated this part of med school. While everyone else relished getting to learn about examinations and patient interaction, I grew anxious over it. Not because I thought I was going to fuck up - which was highly likely, anyway - but because it reminded me of _how _fucked up I still was. Having to touch random people was still too much, too...

"Listen up, people," Dr. Isaacs shouted at us. "Interviews begin Monday. Same goals, same standardized patients as before. This time, however, you'll be graded on your ability to interact professionally with substance abuse patients."

My stomach dropped. The rest of the professor's speech faded away.

_No. Not yet._

"Edward?" Tanya called out to me. When I didn't answer, she snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Hey, what the hell is with you? Class is over."

I cleared my throat and shoved my shit down into my backpack. "Nothing," I forced out. "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," she said, frowning.

"I..." I stood up abruptly, flipping the tablet arm up and causing it to clatter down in between the seats. "Fuck. I..."

People were staring at me.

Not that I blamed them. I was acting like a lunatic.

"Don't make me tell Dr. Isaacs you can't cut it."

My eyes narrowed; panic subsided and gave way to anger. "Don't be a fucking bitch."

"If you tell me what's going on, I won't have to."

"It's none of your business."

"When I'm always paired up with some guy because our names happen to fall next to each other in the alphabet, it becomes my problem," she hissed back. "I'm not failing because you're having some kind of nervous breakdown."

"It's not a nervous breakdown," I snarled. "It's... Goddamn it, I'm adopted. My biological mom is an addict, and now I have to get into her type's psyche. I'm allowed to freak out a little over this, Tanya."

She waited a beat, like she was waiting for the punch line to some inconsiderate joke, and then all at once she rushed out with, "I'm sorry. I had no idea. If you need-"

"Just fucking forget it, okay?"

"But-"

"No, Tanya. There's no 'but'. _That's _what I need you to do for me. Forget it."

I stormed past her and down the steps to where Dr. Isaacs was stacking the rest of the papers up neatly.

"Mr. Cullen," he greeted without looking up, "what can I do for you today?"

"I um... Can I um... wait? Do a substance abuse interview last?"

"Why?"

I shifted on my feet nervously. "I'd rather not say."

He glanced up at me, his brown eyes intense.

And then he sighed. "I've seen your struggles this year. But you always manage to work it out and do well on the assignments. I have every faith that whatever personal issues you have with this, you'll get past, too. So my answer is no. You can learn this particular procedure with the rest of the class."

I ground my teeth together to keep from lashing out at him. A few quick breaths, and I was able to speak normally. "Thanks anyway."

I turned on my heel and headed out the door, stopping when I heard Dr. Isaacs calling after me.

"You have two things going for you, Edward. One is that you have the ability to piece together symptoms and match them with a condition or disease that most wouldn't even think of, and always get it right. Not just occasionally. _Always._"

"My dad's a family physician in Forks," I explained. "Small town like that keeps him on top of things, you know? We don't have a lot of specialists nearby, and some of his patients would rather not travel unless they absolutely had to. So he has to be well-versed in everything."

He nodded. "The second thing is that you can sympathize with patients in a way that the other students can't."

I blinked once, shocked that he thought that about me. "Uh... Okay?"

He chuckled. "Just keep that in mind when you get frustrated. It's what makes you better than most of the students here. You don't have to learn it, because you already have it. And it's what will make you one hell of a doctor."

My cheeks burned with the compliment. I barely resisted the urge to duck out of the room without acknowledging it but managed to mumble a grateful response before taking off for my next class.

_Holy shit, he thinks I'll make a good doctor._

A ridiculous smile stretched wide across my face with that.

Still reeling somewhat, I put my stuff down at a lab table in the back and went to grab a sheep brain from the back, listing off the sections and their functions that I'd spent hours studying over the last few days. I sat back down, checked the board for the specific assignment, and got to work.

"So how are things with Bella?" Tanya asked, sitting down beside me.

I finished scribbling down my answer and glared up her. "Fine."

She moved the tray closer to where she sat.

"Get your own fucking brain," I hissed, and snatched it away from her.

She pouted. "There's only one left, and it's shit."

"Shouldn't have been late."

"That was my fault," Kate chimed in.

"Then you should be the one sharing with her. Not me."

"Mine's shit too, though, Edward. The cerebellum's all..." She trailed off and moved on to identify the next section.

"Christ." I slid the tray over to Tanya. "Hurry the fuck up. I want to get out of here before dark."

"What for?"

I didn't answer.

She let out a frustrated sigh. "You don't always have to be a jackass, you know."

"Actually... yes, I do."

We traded off for the rest of the class until we were finished identifying each part of the brain. I gathered my shit up, turned in my paper, and then threw my coat on as I hurried out of the building, hoping to find Bella near the undergrad library.

She didn't disappoint.

Huddled up next to Alice, she sat at one of the tables going over something in a book, her breath coming out in tiny puffs of fog as she spoke. Garrett came rushing up behind her, startling her when he put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a quick shake. She let out a little shriek and glared up at him, but the bastard just laughed.

"Trouble in paradise?" Tanya asked.

Kate slid up beside her, engrossed in something on her phone.

"Why the hell are you two over here?"

"Relax, would you? We're not stalking you. I promised my sister that I'd meet her at the library. She's working on her first thesis paper, and Kate offered to keep me company while she did some research here."

"Oh."

"Well, is there?"

"With Garrett?"

"If that's the blonde guy getting handsy with your girl, then yeah."

I growled under my breath and stared back over at Bella and Garrett. He sat beside her, enough distance put between him and Bella so that I didn't want to throat punch him.

"There might've been at one time, but now..." I dragged my hand through my hair. "I'm pretty sure he realizes he's stuck in the friend zone."

"He likes her?"

"He used to. I don't know if he still does. I don't talk to the fucker much."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. He's interested in your girlfriend and you just let him... what? Hang all over her? Make passes when you're not around?"

"It's not like that. He's always been... Fuck, he's always been good for her. I hate it, but there it is."

"Who are you?" she asked incredulously. "You get pissed off at the drop of a hat. How are you not beating the shit out of him right now?"

"I trust her," I answered simply.

"Huh," was all she said back.

"So is he?" Kate interrupted. "Still into your girlfriend?"

"Were you listening to anything I just said?" I snapped back.

"No, not really," she admitted. "I'm smart enough for med school, but can't text and listen to someone talk at the same time. It's pathetic, really."

"It's the hair," Tanya said, holding a piece of Kate's platinum hair up for show.

"Like you're any better!" Kate laughed indignantly.

_Jesus fucking Christ._

I rolled my eyes. "You interested or something?"

"He's cute," Kate answered, glancing back over to where he sat. "Really cute."

"If you like that preppy, frat boy kind of thing," Tanya said.

"I do. How old is he?"

"Not the slightest fucking clue."

Her brow quirked.

"He's... I think he's got a year left before he graduates or something. And no, I don't know what his plans are after he does. I don't give a rat's ass."

"So, he's not too young..." She chewed on her lip as she processed that. Then, she straightened up, did some kind of fluffing thing with her hair, and inhaled deeply. "Only one way to find out."

"What are you doing?" I asked dumbly.

"Seeing if he's over your girlfriend or not." She flashed me a smile. "You can thank me later."

"Uh..." Kate rushed over to them, first introducing herself to Bella, and then to Garrett. "Is she serious with this shit?"

"Kate will have a date with him by the weekend," Tanya said knowingly.

"Bullshit."

"Go over and see. I've got to get inside and find Irina anyway."

She left me standing there on the outskirts of the group, watching in fascination as Kate monopolized Garrett's attention. I caught Bella staring at me out of the corner of my eye and gave her a sheepish wave in return.

She grabbed her bag and came over to greet me.

"Did you do that?" she asked, pointing in between Garrett and Kate.

I laughed. "I can only _wish_ to be that conniving, Bella."

She pondered that, her eyes roaming my face, and then nodded. "Want to go? It's frickin' cold out here."

"Actually, I'd kind of like to see what happens."

"WIth Garrett? Why?"

I didn't get to respond because Garrett suddenly stood up, phone in hand, and exchanged numbers with Kate. A few awkward smiles and laughs on Garrett's behalf later, and they parted ways.

"Wow. She wastes no time, does she?"

"Doesn't seem so," I answered, thinking very seriously of running out to the mall and buying Kate some sort of thank you gift.

"You're happy about this, huh?"

"I will be," I conceded. "Once I see it going somewhere _other_ than back to you."

She sighed. "Okay, so you don't have a problem with me being friends with him because you claim it's good for me. But you're just... you're still really distrustful of him? I don't get it."

"Oh, come on, Bella. Just because I don't object to the friendship doesn't mean I'm exactly comfortable knowing the same douchebag Fiji used to be in love with my girl."

"Used to be?"

"It's been months. If he's not over you by now, he's a lost cause. And someone should really put him out of his fucking misery," I finished under my breath.

She heard me anyway.

"Maybe that person could be Kate!" she replied sarcastically.

I smirked down at her and gathered her in my arms. "Who knows? Maybe she can, baby."

I brushed my lips over her forehead and felt her melt into me further.

"Fine," she agreed. "Maybe you'll get lucky and she will."


	33. Chapter 33

**Work is ridiculous lately, so I haven't been able to get to the majority of review replies. Shocker, really... Anyway, thank you for all of the reviews and interest in the fic so far, and for voting it as one of the FotW's again. I'm honored :)**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work, and thanks to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading.**

**You can find me on Twitter - (at) JT040708**

* * *

><p>Chapter 33<p>

**Bella**

I found Edward huddled over his laptop, his brow furrowed in concentration, a scowl on his lips. He skimmed over what was written on the screen, and then abruptly lifted his hand up to grab at his hair.

A curse exploded out of him.

I took a step and paused, gauging his reaction. I couldn't be sure if he was pissed off about something to do with a class or assignment, or if it was a different kind of stress.

Something more.

I moved forward again, and his eyes darted up to mine. His face registered something akin to panic, but it was gone in a flash, replaced by something infinitely worse.

That horrible mask of indifference he used to wear when he spent all his time and energy hiding what he could about himself.

"Don't do that," I ground out. "Don't hide from me."

The facade crumbled, and he slammed the laptop shut in frustration. "I'm not trying to hide from you. I'm trying... Fuck, I'm trying to stay sane."

"Sane?" I asked. "Why?

But he didn't answer.

"What..." He cleared his throat. Then again as the words seemed to stick to his tongue. He stared down at the coffee table. "Want breakfast?"

I shook my head, and then realized he wouldn't know my reply because I hadn't spoken out loud. "No, I'm fine right now. But are you?"

"I'm just peachy," he sneered.

I stared at him hard, willing him to look my way. Finally, his head lifted, eyes moved up.

Uncertainty.

Fear.

Anger.

So many things came over me, and my breath caught; I hadn't seen him like this in such a long time now.

"What?" I whispered, holding back the sob that rose in my chest. "What is it?"

"I uh..." He jumped off of the couch and breezed past me, heading straight for the kitchen. "I think I'm going to eat. You're really not hungry? I want some eggs. Bacon. Protein or whatever. You want some of that oatmeal crap? I could-"

"Edward!"

He glanced back at me, hand frozen on the refrigerator handle.

"What the fuck?"

He blinked at the phrasing I'd chosen, and then all at once caved in on himself. "God, baby, I don't how to stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop... this. This..." He straightened up and scrubbed his face. "You were right; I need to fucking know."

"About your dad?"

"Yeah. I know you don't want me to go to Chicago, but I can't stop thinking about it. How they ended up divorcing each other or why he had Maggie and not me and what my mom went through when he died."

"Whoa, hold on a minute. What she went through?" I asked, unable to believe what I was hearing. "What _she _went through?"

"I feel like there's more to it. Some piece that explains why she was the way she was. Not an excuse - nothing can excuse just fucking dropping a child like that - but I... It's what I was telling Dr. Banner."

"And?"

"He didn't comment. Like always the bastard knew I wasn't really ready to focus on it yet."

"Because you're not. Look at you," I said, motioning broadly at him with my hands, "you're all kinds of messed up over this."

"I know," he breathed. And then he laughed bitterly, surprising me. "Sure you want in this? You want this kind of shit for the rest of your life?"

"It's not always going to be like this."

"Yeah, whatever," he muttered.

His eyes were away from me again. This time, glued to the floor.

"Edward." I waited for him to glance at me. Nothing. "Hey!"

He sighed heavily and slowly lifted his gaze to mine. "Yeah?"

"Maggie's your sister."

Confusion swept across his features. "So?"

"Do you remember the first time I said that? Your reaction for weeks after that?"

His lip curled away from his teeth with the memory. "I don't want to fucking think about how I treated you. I don't want _you _to fucking think about how I treated you."

"You need to, though. You need to see how far you've come."

"Wha-?"

"I love you."

Another blink. "Jesus, Bella, what are you doing?"

"Does it bother you now?"

"No, of course not. I fucking love that you do. Because I feel the same way. I couldn't handle it if it was unrequited bullshit. You know that."

I rushed over to where his wallet sat on the end table, opened it up, and quickly yanked out the condom I knew was sitting inside it. "When did you put this there?"

He seemed so nonplussed still. "I honestly don't know. Right before we went home for Thanksgiving, maybe?"

"And what's the date?"

"Christ, it's February third. What's your point?"

I tossed the condom aside. "My point is that you've not had any desire to use it. Not in over two months now. And you've fucked me numerous times since then."

A growl bubbled up in his chest. "You need to stop saying that word. Right now. Before I take you how I want and act it out."

"What, fuck? You like it or something?"

His gaze was heavy and dark. "Yeah. I do. Always have. More than you could ever possibly fucking know."

I considered that for a moment, what the heat of his stare did to me.

And then I ignored it, because now was not the time to experiment on that.

"Do you see what I'm saying? You barely let yourself kiss me before. You got defensive and panicked over everything. You treated everyone like shit, and now... Baby, we're lucky to have you in our lives."

"Don't."

"Why? Because it's true?"

"No, I-" He didn't continue.

"So now that we've established that you're not a total idiot anymore and that I do, in fact, want to be with you for the rest of my life; will you tell me what you were trying to hide from me?"

His head fell back and hit the refrigerator hard. "Go see for yourself."

I went over to the couch and sat down, taking the laptop away from its spot and bringing it to my lap. I opened it up and typed in Edward's password...

The screen that lit up wasn't all that surprising, given how much he'd been talking about it recently, the fact that his route around it had been blocked the second he found out about his father's death. But it was still a slap to the face, the reality of what he wanted coming up and hitting me hard.

"These are flights to O'Hare." I read a few more of the details. "For spring break."

He didn't respond.

"I... I don't know what to say," I said quietly. I closed the laptop and set it down, and then tried to process it all. "Are you... Do you want to go alone?"

"No."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to see the fucking disappointment written all over your face. Like I see right now."

"I'm not disappointed," I told him earnestly. "I'm stunned."

"What the fuck for?"

"I don't know," I replied with a shrug. "I guess I was hoping that me telling you how afraid I am of losing who you are now would change your mind."

"Bella," he groaned. "You're not going to lose me. I fucking promise you that."

I wanted to cry. He could promise me the moon and it wouldn't make a difference. Not unless he was able to follow through on it.

But I refused. Crying didn't help anything, just made me feel like an over-emotional, selfish jerk. Like I was letting that little seed of fear blossom and bloom until it suffocated me.

I had to keep reminding myself that I'd been through worse than this. _We'd _been through worse than this.

So I changed the subject, instead.

"Do you have a plan?"

A few beats of time went by before he answered me, making sure I was all right with everything. And I supposed I was. I had to be.

He wasn't exactly giving me any other choice in the matter, was he?

"Knock on the bitch's door and demand an answer?"

"Well, it's as good as any, I guess."

He laughed, and I let out a little giggle of my own with the sound.

"I'm sorry. I am. I should have talked to you about it."

"Yes, you should have. But it's okay," I said with what I hoped was a flippant wave. "As long as you keep me in the loop."

"I will," he swore. "Now, can I make you some food? You need to take your meds."

"Only if you let me help."

"Bella."

"No arguing with me. I want to figure out how I'm going to organize the kitchen when I move in here. I have stuff I'm bringing with me, you know."

His returning smile was contagious, and I found myself beaming back at him, giddy with excitement for when I could finally call this place ours.

Chicago would be pushed aside for now.

I didn't need to add into any of what he was feeling with my own worries.

He did enough of that on his own.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to uh..." Edward spun around in a circle, looking for something. "Hang out with Ben for a little bit after class. I think."<p>

"You think?"

He spun around again, finally spotting his keys and snatching them off of his desk. "If that's... okay?"

"Are you asking permission?"

"Well, I mean um... I don't... No... Not really but-"

My laughter cut off his incoherent sputtering.

"Don't fucking laugh at me," he warned.

"I'm sorry." I wasn't really, but it didn't hurt me to say the words anyway. "You're just so damn cute and nervous."

"He has a girlfriend, you know," he said, a taunting smile quirking his mouth up.

"Are you implying our meeting would be awkward?"

He threw me a lazy shrug. "I might."

I laughed again. "I'm not you!"

"You were in a hospital bed for a year. And you said you never had friends before that either, with the exception of Alice. I mean, fuck, you graduated high school late because of it!"

"Yes, but I wanted friendships during that time. You, on the other hand, did not."

The smile fell from his face, and his brow furrowed as doubt crept through him. "You think I'll fuck it up?"

"His stepfather's your shrink. I highly doubt you will."

He shifted anxiously. One arm crossed over his stomach to fidget with the sleeve of his gray thermal. "Bella, I'm serious. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. I... I should just cancel."

"Don't you dare."

"But-"

"No."

"I'd rather stay here with you," he finished.

"Because you're comfortable. Come on; go have fun for a little while. All you do is stress out over Elizabeth, and the last thing I want is for your head to explode."

He let out a snort and shook his head. "I think it'd be more like I'd take off and try to bury all those girly fucking feelings again."

"Well, I don't want that either."

He sighed and came to sit next to me. "Come with me?"

"You're not using me as a crutch, Edward."

"Fuck," he said lowly. "I guess that is what I'm asking."

"You'll have fun. I know you will," I promised him.

"But what if he wants to go to a bar or some other crowded place like that? I don't think - I'm not-"

"You'll deal. Like you always do," I answered soothingly.

He exhaled sharply. "What the hell are you going to do all night then?"

"Pine over you."

He smirked. "Not gonna lie. I like that idea."

"I knew you would." I paused and reached over to hold his hand. "No, really, I'm going to catch up on my studying and sleep and wait for you to come home to me."

"What makes you think I'm coming home to you? How do you know I'm not going to my place?" he asked, his eyes flicking down to my lips.

"Because this is not waiting for you at your place," I said on a whisper. I closed the distance between us and kissed him, softly at first, and then wound my hands in his hair as I deepened it, anchoring him to me.

We fell back on the bed, our limbs tangling together, fingers roaming up and under shirts. His stomach muscles twitched when my hand skimmed down the trail of hair under his belly button, and a low moan was emitted against my mouth.

When I pulled back, his face was flushed, that wonderful crooked smile pulling at his lips. "You realize you just made it so I never want to leave this fucking bed now, right?"

"Wasn't my brightest idea, I'll admit."

He laughed.

But he still didn't make a move to go to class.

"You need to do this," I said gently. "You need to let your feelings about your parents and Maggie go for a while and just have some fun."

"I'm going to be so fucking weird, though," he breathed.

"Weird how?"

"Awkward."

"Oh, like you claim I am, huh?"

He rolled his eyes and groaned, "Bella."

"It's totally normal, I swear."

"Yeah?" he asked hopefully.

I nodded.

"Okay." He sat up, a resolute expression on his face. "I'll see you when I get back."

"Whenever that is."

"Whenever that is," he agreed.

"You can call if you need me to psych you up."

"Right, since you'll be sitting at home pining over me," he teased.

"You got it."

He made sure he had everything he'd need for class and headed toward the door. I followed him, of course, because as always I needed to be certain that he was okay. He stopped just at the threshold, lowered his mouth to mine, and then surprised me by smiling as he pulled away.

He seemed so sure of himself all of a sudden that I had to suppress a giggle.

"Have a good time," I said, grinning, and closed the door.

I pursed my lips and glanced around the apartment, deciding what to do first. School work won out, and before I could talk myself out of it, I was bent over my notes studying for an exam I had the following Tuesday.

An urgent knock startled me, and I glanced up to see that I'd been so engrossed in everything, I hadn't realized that it'd grown dark outside while I sat there.

I stood up just as the knock sounded again, and grumbled as I made my way over to answer the door. I reared back in surprise at who was on the other side, nothing but a squeak coming out of my mouth instead of words.

"I need help, Bella," Jacob said in greeting, his face scrunched up with panic. "All these deadlines and I don't know where- I'm not sure which places would even take me, and I- If I get accepted anywhere, there are all those FAFSA forms to fill out."

I glanced down to see a stack of college applications sitting in his hand.

"Overwhelmed?" I asked, moving aside to let him in.

"Yes," he sighed. "How did you do this?"

"I had help. No one can help you in La Push?"

He barked out a laugh. "Are you kidding me, Bells? No one in La Push cares about college."

"That's not true."

He just eyed me in response.

"Well, get in here. It's cold outside, and I'm hungry. Did you eat?"

He stepped into my apartment and shook his head.

"Do you _want _to eat?"

If it was possible, I could have sworn his tawny skin went green.

"Okay, so I'll just order takeout then. You can decide if your stomach is up to it when it gets here."

"None of that tasteless, diet shit," he warned.

"What does it matter? It doesn't seem like you're eating anyway."

"I might."

I huffed, "Fine. I'll get something greasy and loaded with cheese and bacon, just for you. Jesus, why does everyone have to give me such hell about what I eat all the time?"

"Because it sucks," he laughed.

I glowered up at him. "Want help or not?"

"I'll just go sit over here..." he trailed off and pointed to the couch.

"You do that."

I went to the kitchen and dug through the stack of takeout menus Alice and I had accumulated over the last few months before calling back out to Jacob. "I'm not in the mood for cheese and bacon."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"Indian?"

Silence.

And then, "Is that supposed to be a joke? Because you realize I'm not _that _kind of Indian, right?"

"No, curry sounds good, damn it!" I hollered back.

I could hear him chuckling to himself.

"You're not funny, Jake!"

"Yes, I am."

_Are. Not._

"Just get me whatever. I don't care."

Easy enough.

After I'd ordered, I grabbed a couple bottles of water and joined Jacob in the living room. But rather than sitting on the couch as I'd expected, he was on the floor, papers spread out all around him.

"So how did you figure out where I lived?"

"Called the chief." I had a reply on the tip of my tongue when he continued, "He had me call Edward."

"Edward?"

"Your dad wasn't sure where you'd be. I guess you guys go back and forth?"

I frowned. "Yeah."

His black eyes flipped up to mine. "He seems a lot different now. Happier. More laid back."

"He is," I agreed. "So how far have you gotten with all of this?"

While Jacob was explaining which messy stack of applications were complete and needed review and which still had yet to be filled out, I sent a quick text off to Edward to let him know Jake was here.

Well, more like give him hell for not warning me he was coming up in the first place.

_**You're a sneaky, sneaky bastard.**_

"Jacob, don't any of these places accept online apps? It'd be a whole lot quicker if we could type them."

"They do. Ah..." He ran his hand over the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I just don't have a computer. Ours crapped out on us and we can't afford new one yet."

"Oh. Well, we can use mine if you want."

"You're sure?"

"I let you in my apartment and said I'd help didn't I?"

"Good point," he conceded.

My phone buzzed in my hand.

_**I take it Jacob found the place.**_

_**Yes. I was just slightly surprised when I opened the door and found some tall, black haired guy on the other side. Thanks for that, btw.**_

"Okay," I said to Jacob. "Give me a few apps and I'll look them up online and see what the submission requirements are."

He nodded and threw a few of the apps at me. I leaned back against the arm of the recliner and went to work, only to be interrupted by my phone buzzing at me again.

_**When I get back, I'll do something to make up for it.**_

_**Something, huh?**_

_**I think you know what, Bella. Don't make me sext you.**_

I laughed out loud with that one. The picture of Edward sexting was hysterical to me for some reason. Possibly because he was more of an act now, talk later kind of guy. Or maybe because I knew how hard it was for him to loosen up and communicate like that still.

Jacob gazed at me curiously.

"Sorry. It's Edward. He's being a smartass."

He grinned. "Which makes me glad to see that you two have worked your shit out."

"Yeah, the issue isn't really us anymore," I answered. "It's more like things Edward has to sort out on his own."

I abruptly thought of Chicago and tensed.

"You okay?"

"Yeah..." I cleared my throat and tried to smile. "There's just some stuff coming up with him. He wants to talk to his birth mother."

His brows shot up. "Really?"

"I'm not exactly for it. But I know Edward well enough to know that he over-analyzes everything until he breaks. That breaking point usually means he can handle it, whether he realizes it or not."

"But you're still worried about it."

I didn't bother denying it. "More than I can say."

I let the conversation drop and sent Edward a reply.

_**A girl can dream.**_

_**Are you saying you want me to sext you?**_

_**Maybe. Eventually. I'm not entirely sure. Let me get back to you on that.**_

_**LOL**_

_**No laughing in class. You're supposed to be learning something.**_

_**Can't learn shit, baby. I'm too busy clinging to my phone in the event that I panic and need you to come save me. Just like I was told.**_

Now I was laughing again.

_**OK, Jacob's rolling his eyes. I need to help him. I'll see you when you get back. xx**_

"Done now, Swan?"

I stared at my phone for a few seconds. When nothing came back, I answered, "Looks like it."

"Thank God. The two of you are revolting."

"Kiss my ass."

"Bend over."

"Nope, too much work. I'd have to stand up, and then bend over, and I'm actually pretty comfortable right now."

"Wow, you're a huge smartass when you're happy."

I plastered on my fakest, sweetest smile. "Only with you. Now, stop talking and start writing. I don't have all night."

* * *

><p>I hurried down the hall and opened the door to Dr. Banner's office. I wasn't due to meet with him for another thirty minutes, but I was hoping to get an audience with him before Edward arrived.<p>

I'd even skipped class to do so.

Not exactly something my conscience was happy about.

I slipped inside and smiled at the receptionist, noting how her eyebrows were raised in question.

"I'm early; I know. Is he busy?"

She shook her head, but glanced at the computer to be safe. "His three o'clock canceled on him. You got lucky."

"Can I...?"

"Let me just call him out for you."

I went over to the chairs lined up against the wall and found a magazine I hadn't seen before. I opened it up and scowled at the pictures of movie stars and their significant others, speculation and gossip about which celebrities were dating whom...

Fashion advice. Like I needed it. I had Alice for that sort of thing.

"Bella," Dr. Banner greeted warmly. I glanced up to see him in his trademark charcoal suit, a lavender tie tucked underneath it today. "Everything okay?"

I nodded and put the magazine aside. "Nice tie. Did the wife pick it out for you?"

"She did," he answered.

"Can I talk to you for a minute? Before Edward gets here?"

"About?"

"Chicago."

"Karen," he said, swiveling his head to see if he'd caught her attention, "hold my calls, please."

I followed him inside his office and unceremoniously plopped down in the chair just across from his. My foot bounced against the carpet, because really, I had no idea where to begin or what I even thought I'd accomplish by coming here. I was lost, completely and totally lost, when it came to dealing with this thing with Chicago. Minus the stress, my relationship with Edward hadn't changed any because of it, but I still couldn't push through this horrible, festering fear I had about the entire situation. And I suppose I hoped for answers, though I was sure Dr. Banner wouldn't give me much. He was technically Edward's doctor, not mine; his loyalty was to him.

And yet, here I was.

"I know you have patient confidentiality laws, so I don't expect you to tell me much but..."

I stopped talking, having no idea how to finish that sentence.

"Bella, I need you to stop bouncing around like you are. You're making me nervous," he joked.

"Oh." I stilled immediately. "Sorry."

"So you were saying something about patient confidentiality?"

"Not any patient, really. Just Edward." Quick inhale in. Exhale out. "Has he mentioned anything about Chicago?"

"Yes," he said simply.

"Can you just tell me if he's okay with it all? I know he's going. I don't know if it's going to be during spring break like he'd planned or not, but I know it's happening. And I'm quietly freaking out about it."

"Quietly?"

"He doesn't know how scared I am. I mean, I've told him once, when he first started really planning his trip, but that's it. I don't want to stress him out any more than he already is. This is... It's big, Dr. Banner. I feel like telling him how insecure I am about the whole thing wouldn't be helpful for him."

"What are you doing instead?"

"Encouraging it?" I shook my head. "No, not it. Just him. I want him to be happy with who he is."

"And you think this is the last step for him to do so," he deduced.

"Yeah."

"Then what scares you?"

"That he'll go back to the giant asshole he was before. That he'll get so wrapped up in where he came from and equate himself to it that he'll push me away again. That he'll..." I choked back a sob. "That something will happen to him there."

He spent what felt like forever thinking out his response.

"I don't know what to tell you about the people he ran away from and their interest in him now, but I do know that he won't push you away again. He's come too far for that now."

I sighed in relief. "Seriously? So I'm just being a basketcase, then?"

He chuckled. "Would you like me to tell you yes, Bella?"

"No..."

"There are things he will probably never get over. But he's slowly begun to understand in the last few months that that's okay. Everyone has their own personal demons. Everyone has something that has happened in their lives they wish they could forget. It doesn't make him a terrible person just because his something happens to be bigger than the average Joe's."

"That's what I've been telling him all along."

"I know. And it's been extremely helpful, Bella. But I think..." He stopped to find the words to continue. "I wonder if maybe he should do everything he feels like he needs to do in Chicago without you."

"What?" I screeched. "Have you lost your mind? If someone from that house finds him and no one's there-"

I suddenly broke off, the thought seizing the words from me.

"Hear me out," he urged. "I don't think he should be completely alone for that reason exactly. Just under the _pretense _of being alone."

I sniffled and stared at him blankly. "I'm not following."

"He depends on you. More than he should at this point. What happens, if by chance, you two break up or you..."

"Reject the heart or go into heart failure again and die," I finished hollowly.

"Yes. It's a possibility that in twenty years, you won't be here. You accept it, but does he?"

"Not really."

"He needs to know how to cope with things on his own."

"So are you telling me that I should break up with him and make him go see his mother by himself? Because I'm telling you now, I depend on him, too. He makes every day I have worth living. Without him, I'd go nuts. I know I would."

"You really do love him, don't you?"

"I sometimes think that everything I went through built me up for this. For him. Because if I'd have been anything else, I wouldn't be what he needed." I blushed, realizing how ridiculous that sounded. "Never mind. I sound like I already am nuts."

"Well, you've come to the right place then, Bella."

"Ha. Ha," I muttered dryly.

But I still smiled.

"I think you need to be there for him, but give him enough distance to figure out how he feels about it without your influence. Perhaps with another family member there to keep watch of him instead of you, if you think you can convince him of it."

"I don't know how to explain this to him without giving everything I'm thinking away. And I can't lie to save my life, Dr. Banner."

"Yes, you can, Bella. You did it before when you kept what you knew about his sister from him. You just don't want to."

The truth of that sliced right through me. I hid everything I knew about Maggie for weeks without Edward ever knowing the difference. It wasn't that I was incapable of keeping my feelings from him; I simply didn't want to now, not even if it was for his own good.

My hand came up to rub over the ache in my chest. A tear slipped down my cheek, because with just that single, familiar ache, I knew that this was what Edward needed.

My instincts were screaming for me to let him go. Figure it out on his own.

"This has the potential to backfire on us all."

"It does," he acknowledged. "But it also has the potential to be precisely what he needs."

xx

"The shrink wants you to what?" Emmett asked, exchanging a look with Jasper. "I don't think this is such a good idea."

"Neither do I," I admitted, "but he has a point. Edward doesn't do anything without me."

Jasper blew out a breath and reached up to mess with his hair. "No, he doesn't. You're good for him, but-"

"I might not always be around."

Both of them gave me a pained look at that.

"Look, it's fact. I don't know how long this heart will last. I want to set a record and live longer than any other transplant patient before with just the one graft, but I don't know how possible that is. None of us do. I need to make sure Edward will be okay if something... If I'm not..."

"We'll do it," Emmett said, his deep voice cracking. "God damn it, Liberty, if it gets you to stop talking about dying, we'll do it."

"I'm sorry, Em," I whispered.

"I know you are. I still fucking hate it."

Silence stretched out around us, none of us exactly sure how to cope with the sadness that enveloped us. I never thought that I'd have this kind of relationship with Edward's family; that I'd have them as my own, that they'd consider me a sister, daughter...

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Jasper questioned, breaking the somber mood.

I cast a furtive glance over at the door to the staff lounge before telling them what I'd been plotting, making sure Edward was still working on my truck. "I've got my dad on board for it."

"What's he going to do?"

"If we can't convince Edward to head back there with you the two of you, he's going to have some heart issues again."

"Convenient."

"I might need to discuss it with Carlisle so it doesn't seem like such bullshit."

"Dad will do it, B. Mom, too. Whatever it takes. You know they will."

I nodded. "I'd rather get him on board, though. But he's not going to want to let you see any of that."

Emmett pursed his lips in thought. "How much time do we have?"

"Spring break's two weeks away," Jasper answered for me.

"Not so much then."

"No."

"Fuck," Emmett cursed. "Jazz, you have any ideas?"

"Not one goddamned thing," he snarled.

"We'll figure it out. Worst case scenario? You two just hop on the plane with us."

"That'll go over well."

"Eh, stay hidden until you're in the air so he can't do anything about it when he sees you," I replied. "He'll hate it, but he's not going to cause a scene. And maybe the flight will be enough time for him to calm down and listen to reason."

The door burst open and Edward strode into the room, his smile wavering when he caught us all hovering in one area.

"What's up?" he asked cautiously.

"Emmett was just telling me some stuff going on with him and Rose," I lied.

Emmett jumped right in. "We're thinking about having a baby."

We all froze in place.

"What?" Emmett demanded.

"You're..." Edward seemed lost for words, but as he quickly righted himself, a smirk formed on his lips. "Really?"

I gave Emmett a confused look, and he grinned.

Holy shit, he was telling the truth.

"Rosie's wanted one for a while, but you know me... Gotta make sure I'm ready and shit."

"You're going to be such a good dad," I squealed, bouncing over to hug him.

"Have to knock her up first, Bella," he chuckled.

He pulled me up off my feet and held on tight. "Minor detail."

"Think we can pull this off?"

He was asking more than just about his and Rosalie's ability to parent.

Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to, I didn't have an answer for him.

And thankfully, Edward made is so I didn't have to.

"All right, you fucker. Get off my girlfriend," he growled. "I want to show her her truck."

I pushed away from Emmett and focused on Edward. "It's finished?"

His shrug was shy in a way. "I need to replace some of the chrome pieces still, but yeah. She's pretty much done."

I rushed off to see it, grabbing his hand and dragging him behind me.

I circled it, marveling at the glossy, red finish. Not a scratch, dent, or patch of rust could be found anywhere on it now.

It was absolutely perfect.

"Say something before I freak the fuck out," Edward said roughly.

I cast a glance back at him to see him shoving his hands in his pockets nervously.

"Why are you freaking out? It's perfect," I told him, voicing my thoughts.

"No, it's not. The interior still needs work, and it's missing-"

I spun around, stood on my toes and kissed him, effectively shutting him up. "It's perfect," I repeated. "Thank you."


	34. Chapter 34

**Thank you everyone who reviewed and added this fic to their alerts/favs list. Also, thank you for voting Dear Maggie as TLS's Fic of the Week again. I am beyond shocked by this!**

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**There's a lemon ahead, and I'm being really weird about it. *hides***

* * *

><p>Chapter 34<p>

**Edward**

A low whistle sounded from behind me. I spun around, still half soaked from the rain, and spotted the chief examining Bella's truck closely.

"Man, she looks good," he said to himself as he ran his hand over the left fender. And then he turned his attention to me. "Jake seen her yet?"

I shook my head.

"He'll be impressed. Hell, _I'm_ impressed," he complimented. "Who knew some doctor-wannabe had this in him."

"My brother helped some," I replied, hoping to deflect some of that attention away from me.

He stared at me for a moment before letting it go. "Where are you keeping her?"

"Emmett offered to let us park it in the corner over there," I replied, pointing to the designated spot. "He'll cover it up for us until Bella comes home for the summer."

Charlie nodded. "Since we're talking about her, Bella and I had an interesting conversation yesterday."

I fought the urge to fidget nervously with that. "And?"

He reached inside his coat and handed me a folded manila envelope. "Think you should have a little more info before you go."

Chicago, I finally realized. Bella had been telling him about Chicago.

"I booked a hotel. Haven't bought the plane tickets yet, though."

His brow rose. "Is that so."

"Bella doesn't know. It's not like I'm keeping it from her. I just..."

"You just what?" he prompted.

"I have mixed emotions about it."

He waited. Suddenly, I felt like I was talking to Dr. Banner instead of Bella's father.

And maybe that was what made him such a good cop: he made it so that you had this strange need to purge your secrets to him.

"I left some nasty fucking people there," I told him, my cheeks heating up with the slip of tongue. "People that think I'm dead." Closer he came, and I found myself rooted to the spot.

Christ, the man could be intimidating as fuck, especially where Bella was concerned.

"Now why would they think you're dead?"

"Maybe because they're the ones who left me in that alley to die after they shot me?" I answered bitterly, surprising him.

"That might do it," he agreed. He watched me for a few seconds, searching for God only knew what, and then, "This have anything to do with your record being so perfect?"

"Yes and no. My record's perfect because I was good at weaseling out of shit." I spotted an old red BIC of mine sitting on top of the tool box and grabbed it, flicked at the flint, needing something to do with my hands while I explained. "It's also perfect because my parents made it so that I was untraceable."

"I'd make a joke about hanging with the wrong crowd, but that seems a little obvious after all I already know."

His voice was teasing, but his face... Fuck, he was demanding an answer.

And I found I was suddenly too goddamned tired to hide it all.

"Thanks to Elizabeth and her drug problem, you could say it was something like that. She dropped me off at her dealer's house. He said she owed him more cash than she could come up with but for whatever reason wanted to leave town for a while. I was... the price of freedom."

"Jesus," he murmured.

A distressed sound came out of me. "Yep. He showed me everything. Took me under his wing..."

"Groomed you."

I nodded. "The other guys didn't like some kid coming in and taking what they wanted. I didn't want it, any of it, but they didn't care. Once, they beat me so bad I could barely move or fucking breathe. That didn't happen again after Aro found out. So they hit me in less noticeable places, places that still hurt like hell. You ever been body punched, Chief Swan?"

He shook his head, a quick, jerky movement.

"Be thankful. Pissing blood because some asshole rammed his boot in your side just a little too hard is not exactly a pleasant experience." I huffed, and then continued. "One guy put a knife to my throat and shoved me up against the wall. I- The way that knife felt digging into my skin... How I shook... What he said..."

I stopped talking, because I knew if I kept releasing all this pent up shit I'd panic.

And I'd be damned if I let Charlie Swan see me that way.

Another punch of my thumb, and a flame rose from the lighter. I watched it, entranced in the way it flickered and wavered with the circulation of air in the garage. And then I let go and tossed it aside, determined to get back to the original topic of conversation.

"I don't know how many days I'll be there or where exactly she is yet," I said quietly. "Someone could recognize me, and then-"

I swallowed hard.

"You worry about Bella being around all of that," he surmised.

"Yes," I breathed out. "I need her there, though, sir. I don't... I don't think I can make it through all of it without her."

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit."

I blinked at him.

"After everything you just told me? How can you question it?"

I gave him a half-hearted shrug.

"Listen to me, Edward. I like you. I do. But that's not why I'm saying this to you. I'm saying this because my daughter saw something in you that none of us could at first. And if there's anything I've learned in the last few years, it's how smart that girl is. How... _right _she always is. All those surgeries and the time she spent waiting on the transplant list taught her so much about herself and what she wants with this second chance she's been given. You're what she wants, Edward; a life with you. She knew from the second you let her in." He stared off at the door for a moment before taking in a sharp breath and continuing.

"Her mother doesn't see it. I think she's too blinded by her love for her and how much she wants to protect her from anything else that could go wrong. That includes you."

"I noticed," I murmured dryly.

The chief chuckled. "You certainly pissed her off."

"Wasn't my intention," I responded honestly.

"She knows that, son. But Bella is a lot like her mother that way. Renee's always right. She's perceptive. You've thrown her for a loop."

"What do you mean?"

"There are so many statistics you could have become. But somehow, you're different. Driven to be something else. Loyal to the family that took you in when you were an angry kid. And that's what makes you good for our daughter."

My eyes widened slightly.

"So back to the original subject. Bella will be there for you no matter what. She'll support you, love you, give anything she can to you - unapologetically - because that's just who she is."

Son of a bitch, I felt like my throat had closed up.

I coughed awkwardly and managed to get out, "Yeah. I know. I still don't think I deserve her."

"You remember me saying you never would?"

I nodded tersely.

"That's what I was trying to get at. I think I might have been wrong."

My eyes snapped to his in shock.

Another laugh rolled out of his chest with my reaction. "You give something back to my girl, Edward, and I won't just think it. I'll _know _it."

"Like what?" I wondered out loud. "What could I possibly give her that could measure up to what she's given me? She's given me my life back. Nothing I can think of even comes close."

"Your strength," he answered. "Show her you can overcome something like this on your own and still make it back to her. Because that's her biggest fear, you know. It's not death or sickness or another surgery that scares her. It's you walking away from her. You letting all of that stuff in Chicago win."

I reached up and pulled at my hair, droplets of leftover rain splattering the envelope in my other hand. "But I've told her. I'll never leave her side again."

"Then prove it."

* * *

><p>I let Bella rifle through the paperwork Chief Swan had given me, not really sure I was able to read the details yet. Which was stupid. I was ready enough to plan a trip back to fucking Illinois; why couldn't I read up on what I wanted to hear from Elizabeth's lips anyway?<p>

Fuck, I was confused. And it'd been a months since I'd felt that way; it'd been since I realized how much I wanted to be with Bella and decided to mold myself into some kind of decent person for her.

Even after all this time, I still hated it.

"Ok," she said, puffing out a little gust of air as she took stock of what was in her hands. "There's more information about the time Maggie lived in foster care-"

Seemed like an easy place to start, so I hurried and interrupted Bella before she could finish listing everything off. "What's it say?"

"Uh..." Her eyes scanned the pages quickly. "Maggie lived with a foster family for the six months before the Carrs adopted her. Looks like she managed to get a decent one, so there's that."

"One that wasn't in it for the money," I deduced.

"You're probably not going to like me saying it, but she got lucky."

"Of course she did," I snarled. I took a deep breath and gave her an apologetic look. "Sorry."

She nodded and moved on. "What else is there...? Detailed medical records of your father's illness, your parent's divorce decree..."

"What the hell do I need to read the divorce decree for?"

She shrugged. "Beats me. Want to see it?"

I waved the paperwork in her outstretched hand off. "Maybe later."

"Hey, there's a deed," she said suddenly. "Your mom and dad owned a lake house together when they were married. Says here that your mom kept it after your dad died."

"What the fuck? He divorced her but left a house in both of their names? Christ, that makes no sense at all. Isn't the whole point of divorce to separate your life from your ex's?"

"Well, maybe the reason why is in the divorce papers."

"Maybe."

"But whatever it was, she never sold it. Not even after you were adopted. It says she still owns it."

"Does she fucking live there?"

Bella shook her head. "No, her current address is still in Chicago."

I swiped the paper out of her hand and sneered as I read it. "Still living in the shithole, I see."

"_The _shithole?" she asked, her eyes growing wider by the second.

"The one and only," I bit out.

"Why?"

"Why not? Not like she ever really had any ambition to do anything but get high."

"She could have cleaned up."

I glowered at her.

"What? I may hate the woman but even I have to be realistic about it. You haven't seen her since you were twelve. That's eleven years, Edward. A lot can happen during that time."

Abruptly, I didn't want to discuss anything involving my biological parents or Chicago. There was no rhyme or reason why; I was simply sick of it consuming every moment of my time lately, so I moved over to the bed, took the paperwork out of Bella's hands, and set it aside before stepping in between her legs and framing her face with my hands.

"What?" she whispered, those dark gypsy eyes piercing through me, trying to find out what the sudden change in demeanor in me was about. "What do you need?"

"You," I said honestly, leaning down to close the distance between us, to take her mouth with mine and remind myself of how _good_ my life had become. "I need you."

Lips brushed together as she whispered, "Then take me."

My tongue slid over hers as her hands slipped between us, coming up under my shirt and running over my torso. She found the fabric and fisted, tugged; I pulled away and let her bring it up over my shoulders and drop it to the floor.

The way she looked at me, sucking her lip in between her teeth as her eyes roamed over me, made warmth spread through me, ignite me.

"Fuck, the things you can do to me," I murmured, and watched a smile flit across her face with the words.

On her again, I kissed her and pushed her further into the mattress, lying her down until she was on her back, splayed out before me. Her nails dug into my shoulders as I found purchase under her shirt with my hands, then again when I stripped her bare and felt every inch of creamy, beautiful skin beneath me.

I teased her, rolling my fingers over one peak, sucking and lightly biting on the other. Her back arched up away from the bed, and she gasped, pressing her hot, wet heat right where I strained against my jeans.

I groaned, and she pulled me closer, settling me in between her legs just enough so that she could reach my jeans, unfasten them and push them down my thighs. She grasped me and stroked once, and I was blinded, groaning again and thrusting up into her hand.

"Bella," I hissed. My head fell forward when she ran her thumb over the tip... swirled. "Jesus, that feels so fucking good."

She shifted us so that she could crawl down and tease me more. My blood spiked as I watched her. My breath rushed out of me the second her mouth enveloped me, and I fought the urge to flex, hit the back of her throat, explode into her mouth immediately. Her teeth grazed at my shaft, eyes seeking approval.

"Bella, baby... Oh, fucking Christ, I'll come if you do that again," I moaned.

Again she did it, and I ground my teeth together to keep back the shout at the sudden, intense rush of pleasure that went through me.

The roar of blood was heavy in my ears, but I had enough sense to ask, "You okay? That wasn't..."

It was the first time I'd ever let myself come in her mouth. Although, I was pretty fucking sure I hadn't_ let _myself do anything.

That mouth of hers was pure genius.

"Fine." She licked her lips and smiled with mirth. "You weren't kidding about coming, were you?"

I gave her a dark look as reciprocation suddenly flashed in my mind, and without another thought, I was covering her body with mine, working her over. Up she came, gasping, panting with every nibble and stroke, every nudge of my fingers inside her. She groaned in frustration, and I moved lower, tasting her, pulling her tender flesh between my lips and pushing my fingers all of the way into her.

Her crest was hard and quick; she shattered against my mouth, muscles frozen until the waves ebbed, and then she slowly drifted back down, lethargic and smiling.

"I talked to your dad today," I murmured, thinking we were finished.

For now.

The way Bella's hands roamed over my body proved otherwise, though, and I groaned when her teeth nipped at my neck.

"Do not talk about my dad while we're naked, Edward. It's bad enough that we're doing this in his house."

I chuckled and rolled her over, my hands and mouth making a trail over the swell of her ass. "What's _this_, exactly?" I asked her roughly.

"You're going to fuck me."

"Oh, I am, huh?" I teased. "You're not giving me much recovery time tonight."

"Doesn't feel like you need it."

It was true. I wanted to be inside her so fucking much...

"I'm a little on the shocked side, to be honest."

"Me too." She glanced over her shoulder and grinned impishly. "Come on. You can tell me whatever it was you talked to him about when we're done."

Wordlessly, I agreed, because I needed to tell her everything. I didn't want it to seem like I was hiding my trip from her.

I could never hide anything from her.

"You ready for me then, baby?"

She pushed back against me, urging me toward her. I stayed in place.

"Edward... Don't be a jerk."

I brought her knee up and finally - fucking finally - slid inside her.

Made for me. Every last fucking inch of this woman was made for me. She buried her face into the comforter, gripping it with every ounce of strength she had, as I took her. She cried out when I hitched her leg up further and found a deeper angle.

I grunted, dipping my head down and placing a kiss on her shoulder, fingers spread wide on her hip, roaming closer to the crack of her ass. I dipped a tentative thumb down, and she surprised me with a moan.

"Shit, that's hot," I ground out. "You want me there?"

I swiveled my hips, pressed my thumb down further until I felt her tighten around me.

"Tell me," I said lowly, immediately regretting the fact that I didn't have anything on hand to explore her reaction further. "I want to hear what you want me to do to you."

"Edward... don't stop. Don't..." She sucked in a breath, let out a long, low groan as she lifted her hips off the bed and rocked into my thrusts. "Yes... God, yes..."

Harder. "Yes what, Bella?" I growled.

"I want you there," she rasped. "In me. I want you everywhere."

Faster with her words now. "I'm going to... So hard-"

She convulsed then, her orgasm sweeping over her... me. I grabbed her hips and jerked her back, once... twice... spilling inside her until I was spent and flopping down uselessly on the bed next to her.

I wrapped an arm around her and held her close, letting my hand drift up to feel her heart pound against her ribs.

"Too much exertion, huh, baby?"

"You fucked me stupid," she slurred. "Give me a minute."

I laughed and clung tighter.

Her breathing eventually slowed down, and she shifted against me, a sigh of contentment escaping her lips.

"I didn't panic," I said against her ear.

Faster than I expected, she turned around in my arms. "What?"

I smiled at her. "Not even for a millisecond. The whole thing was just... Fuck, it was so good. Better than anything I've ever had with you before."

Her answering smile was warm... blissed right the fuck out. "You sure do know how to put other guys to shame."

"I hope you're still talking about me fucking you stupid."

"No, but there's that too," she said, beaming wider. "It's the things you say, do. How considerate you are. You're a big softie underneath it all."

"Just with you. No one else gets this side of me."

"I like that. I like that I'm special."

I kissed her once, fingers moving up to trace over her jaw. "You are. You always will be."

xx

Dressed only in my t-shirt, Bella tiptoed down to Charlie's kitchen to grab a snack. I threw on a pair of sweatpants and ran my hands through my hair, smirking as I caught sight of the new bed he'd bought to replace Bella's.

The comforter was piled on the floor, sheets pulled off the mattress. We'd done a number on it just now.

I hoped like hell that Charlie didn't find out.

I was nearly done remaking the bed when Bella came back into the room. She had an entire tray full of shit. Some kind of pasta salad, cheese, crackers, hummus, an apple, grapes...

Were those Doritos?

"Christ, you're not the one who got knocked up in this family, are you?"

She rolled her eyes and set the tray down on the bed. "The Doritos are for you, Edward."

"Oh. Uh... thanks?"

"I'm starving after all that. Aren't you?"

"A little," I admitted.

"It was either all this random stuff or I was making spaghetti."

I gave her an odd look. "Spaghetti."

"Told you: I'm starving."

"I don't know which is worse," I said with a frown. "They're both kind of... weird."

"Stop freaking out over it."

"I'm not freaking," I argued.

But the way my palms dampened suggested otherwise.

"Okay, so I am. What the fuck do you expect? You're... We're... And then there's me..."

She threw the bag of Doritos at me with a laugh. "Eat those and shut up."

I huffed.

And opened the bag.

"So what were you discussing with my dad?" she asked, settling down on the bed.

I sighed. "Chicago."

She blinked a few times, and then stared down at the food. "What um... What did he say?"

"That you worry about me."

"Ah," she said quietly.

"How much?"

She made a noncommittal noise in response.

It pissed me off.

"Bella, damn it, talk to me."

She shook her head.

"I know why you don't want me to go. And I can't... I know I haven't really tried to explain myself, but-"

"I know why you have to," she said, her eyes fierce. "Why do you think I keep my mouth shut? No one could have talked me out of coming to Forks to find you, so I get it. I just don't like it."

We ate quietly for a while before the silence became too much for me to stand. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe I was doing the wrong thing, being entirely too fucking selfish for my own good again. Bella didn't need this shit. She didn't need the stress of wondering if the guy she had fallen love with would be the same after hearing how much his own mother didn't care about him.

And I suddenly realized that I'd stay here if she asked me to.

"I won't go. Say the words, and I'll cancel everything," I whispered.

"You will hate yourself for not going."

"I'll hate myself for hurting you more."

"You aren't hurting me by going, Edward. I might need drugs to get through it," she joked, "but you're not hurting me."

"No?"

"No." Her face softened with a smile, and she scooted toward me, letting me wrap everything I was around her. "I love you. I want you to feel better about what happened to you. If you need to go back there to do so, then go."

"But-"

"_But_ I'll worry about you. Every single second you're there, I'll worry. I'll worry until we're home and things go back to normal. Until we move on with our life. Because that's just what you do when you love someone: you worry about them."

* * *

><p>"Flight times, huh?" Emmett asked, staring at the screen over my shoulder.<p>

"Fuck," I growled. "I knew I should have done this back at the house."

He ignored me and kept reading. "Two passengers to Chicago. You're a fucking dumbass for taking her there, you know that?"

I spun around in the chair, my eyes wide. "How the hell do you know what we're doing?"

"I might have overheard your conversation with the chief last night."

"Son of a..." My fists tightened at my lap. "I'm going. Nothing you can say is talking me out of it."

"Not trying to talk you out of it," he replied calmly.

"Then what...?"

He pointed toward the door casually, just as Jasper chose that moment to make his presence known.

It took me a second before the proverbial streak of lightning struck me.

"No. Fuck no," I snarled.

"I'll chain you to one of the fucking lifts if I have to," he snapped back. "I'm not going to let you take Bella there alone."

My eyes darted between the two of them as anger bubbled up inside me. I shot up out of the chair and stared toward the door, screaming obscenities at them both for trying to get involved, interfere.

"Fuck you both," I roared, shoving past Emmett and hurtling myself toward the door.

Only I never made it that far. My screaming was cut off when the air was knocked out of my lungs as I was thrown up against the wall.

Emmett's forearm bore down on my throat as he glared down at me. "Done with the temper tantrum?"

"No," I spat, squirming against his hold.

He tightened it, and I started to wheeze.

"Now are you?"

I clenched my jaw and stared back at him defiantly. I'd lose consciousness before I let them come to Chicago with me.

"Here's the deal, E," Jasper said nonchalantly. Then he snuck a glance over at Emmett. "Let him breathe, Em. He can't listen if he's passed out in a heap on the floor."

Emmett's arm eased up on my windpipe, but there was still no way I was breaking free of his grasp.

"As I was saying. We love Bella and aren't going to let anything happen to her."

"Neither am I, fucker," I sneered.

"Yeah, I don't know how much I believe you." I opened my mouth to protest, but he smiled and said, "Look at the way you behaved when we told you we were coming with you."

"You fucking ambushed me, you asshole. What did you expect?"

"From the old Edward? This. From the new...?" He shrugged. "A little more rationality, I guess."

Emmett removed his arm, gripping onto my shoulders so that I didn't sag forward. "You can't know. You just fucking can't."

God damn, I sounded like a pussy, practically sobbing the way I was.

"We know more than you think," Emmett said softly.

I stared at him, my brow furrowed in confusion. "How?"

"Come on," he scoffed. "We're not stupid. You may not give us any of the details, but we know you were abused when you were a kid. Worse than either of us could ever claim to be."

"If you already know, why come with me to Chicago? Just for Bella's safety?"

"Mostly, yeah," Jasper admitted, and I felt like I'd been hit with a tank. "But that's just because we know you can handle yourself."

My eyes slowly drifted to his.

"You did it as a kid. And you didn't have age. Strength. Us."

"You."

"Yeah, us, dick," Emmett laughed. "You would be there for us in a heartbeat. Let us do it for you."

"I'm not telling you shit," I repeated. "I can't have you fucking look at me like I'm... I'm-"

"We don't want to know shit," Jasper returned. "And dude, seriously. We already look at you differently. Not because of what we guessed about your past, but because you've finally stopped acting like a pissed off three year old. Today being the exception, of course."

"Fuck off."

He grinned at me.

"Like it or not, we're coming," Emmett said firmly. "Because Liberty wants us to protect you."

I gazed back at him. My mouth dropped open with the weight of what he was saying. Everything she'd refused to talk to me about the night before, playing it off as worry for someone you loved. Only it was more. Realer. She wasn't just worried about me emotionally. She knew the risk I was taking by simply being in that neighborhood.

I'd never said a word to her about it.

Yet she fucking _knew_. She always knew.

"Do this for me," she whispered as she rounded the corner.

"What the fuck is with you people coming out of the woodwork," I muttered.

Emmett moved aside so Bella could take his place. Her touch was different, though, soothing the ache that threatened to bubble up and consume me.

"Baby..."

"Please. I need to know you'll be safe," she whispered, eyes swimming with tears. "That you'll come back to me. That I won't..."

Her hand came up to trace my scars through my shirt, and I was fucking done, hating myself for putting her through this.

Because I knew how unbearable the thought of losing her was. Exactly the way she felt, how the walls felt like they were closing in and everything in the world lost its luster.

How I wouldn't survive without her anymore.

I was the lowest piece of shit ever.

"Please," she said again.

Her chin trembled, and I grabbed her and kissed her to make it stop.

"I'm sorry," I breathed against her lips. "So fucking sorry. I didn't think- I'll do anything, Bella. Whatever you need. Just please. Don't fucking cry."

* * *

><p><strong>So... yeah.<strong>

**Chicago.**

**Meep.**


	35. Chapter 35

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* * *

><p>Chapter 35<p>

**Bella**

"Packing already?"

I turned around to see Garrett coming into my apartment.

"Taken to just letting yourself in, I see."

He laughed. "Alice was on her way out. She told me to just come on in."

"Ah. And to answer your question, it's not _already_. We're leaving in two days, and I have an entire day of exams tomorrow. So it's now or it's not happening."

I picked up a shirt and tried to fold it, only to find that talking about our trip had made me too nervous to do so. I took a deep breath and tried again, but it was no use. I was shaky, going out of my mind with worry over Edward. Us. Leaving him to deal with his mother himself. Trying to figure out how to tell him that yeah, I might be going to Chicago with him.

But I wouldn't be doing much more than that.

Worst girlfriend ever. Right here.

"Here." Garrett reached out and took the shirt from me. "Christ, Bella, why are you going if you're so messed up about it?"

A stray tear fell down my cheek, and I reached up and wiped it away with the back of my hand before he could notice it.

I was pretty sure I wasn't fooling him, though.

"Because he needs me," I answered.

"You're not going to actually be with him for it all, though, right? You're doing what the shrink said?"

I nodded. "As much as it will kill me, yeah. Emmett says I should go sightseeing or something."

I let out a bleak laugh. "Like that'll happen."

"Bella..."

"Edward still thinks I'm coming with him to see his mom." When Garrett's eyes widened in disbelief, I hurried to explain myself. "I don't think he'll go if he knows he'll be doing it without me."

"So you'll lie to him instead?"

"No. I don't..." I scrubbed at my face. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to tell him."

"I can see that," he replied, giving me a wry look.

"So, um, how are things with Kate?"

"Things?" he questioned, not fooled by my attempt to change the subject.

"You know. Relationship kind of things."

"Is that what we have?"

"Garrett, don't be an ass."

He grinned. "We're good. She's fun. I like her."

"Do you _like_ _her_ like her?"

"Are you fucking five?" he joked. "Going to ask me if I've gotten my cootie shot next?"

I rolled my eyes. "Way to be an idiot."

"Fine. Yes. I _like her_ like her." When I smiled widely, he shook his head. "Don't read too much into it, Swan. I still barely know her."

"I take it that you're not the pursuer in this situation."

"Ah... No. No, I'm not. It's weird."

"Had to happen sometime."

His shoulders jerked up. "I guess."

He looked so uncomfortable that I let the conversation drop and went back to packing. I didn't know how long we were going to be gone, so I packed more than I probably would need. But I'd never been to Chicago. I didn't even know what the weather was typically like this time of year, and I definitely didn't trust the forecast.

"Don't ruin things with Edward just because you're scared," Garrett said suddenly.

"What?"

"You're scared, so you're keeping everything in," he explained. "I know how you operate."

He was exactly right. I'd done this once before when it came to telling Edward about Maggie until it'd weighed so heavily on my mind that one day, I simply exploded.

I'd nearly lost it all because of it.

With his words, as simple as they were, I knew I was going about this the wrong way, over-analyzing every little detail. If Edward chose not to go without me, it simply meant he was never ready to see Elizabeth in the first place.

As selfish as it was, I was okay with that.

"Okay," I nodded determinately, "I'll talk to him about it when he gets home."

He narrowed his eyes, trying to see if I was lying or not. Satisfied, he broke out into a grin. "I don't see any undies in here, Bella."

"You're not touching my underwear, perv. Besides, I don't think Kate would like that much."

Not to mention how Edward would react to that bit of news.

He chuckled. "Probably not."

"Definitely not."

"Okay, in all seriousness now; what can I do?"

"Just keep me company until Edward gets here."

He flopped down on the bed, sending my suitcase bouncing, with that damned grin still on his face. "Bella Swan, I am at your leisure."

God, this was going to be a long afternoon.

xx

"Baby, how long do you expect to be gone?" Edward laughed, gazing down at the contents of my suitcase.

"Just a few days. I don't... You said the weather was unpredictable," I defended.

"Yes, but I didn't mean you needed to pack your whole closet," he snorted.

I huffed. "What do you suggest I take out?"

"Well, you're definitely not going to need this... There's a cold front moving in early next week."

He pulled out a sundress and tossed it aside.

"But not even with a sweater?"

"It's early March. In Chicago." He looked at me seriously. "No."

"But-"

"It's called the Windy City for a reason, you know."

Another huff. "Damn, I really love that dress."

"I love it too. And I'll admit, I would love to see the wind catch it and give me a peek, but you'd bitch me out for not warning you about it in the first place, and I'm not interested in that kind of shit. So Bella..." He paused for effect. "Don't bring it. It's not practical."

I rolled my eyes.

He dug through my suitcase, removing various things here and there until it was merely half way full.

"I need a smaller bag," I muttered.

He chuckled and tugged me to him. "I will take you someplace this summer where you can wear all that. And less, if you'll finally fucking get over _this_."

I closed my eyes as his hand ran over my scar. "You don't have to take me anywhere."

"But I do," he returned adamantly. "I've told you so many times… I want to give you the whole, goddamned, clichéd world."

"Edward..."

"So I thought I might show you around a little when we get there. Take a day to... I don't fucking know. Gather my thoughts? Grow a pair?"

I giggled. "What are Emmett and Jasper going to do?"

"I don't give a flying fuck what they do, to be honest."

"You don't want them there."

"I... I want them there to make you happy," he admitted. "It's shitty. I know. But there it is."

"It doesn't make me happy. None of this does. I just want someone there for you in case... In case-"

"Shh." His eyes latched on to mine, dark and sincere. "Nothing's going to happen to me."

"You don't know that."

He sighed. "I don't. You're right. But Bella, I'm not worried about myself. As long as nothing happens to you-"

"Nothing's going to happen to me," I echoed to him softly. And my eyes closed again. "Because I'm not going with you to that neighborhood. I'm not going to see your mom."

He took a step away from me. I couldn't look at him. Couldn't see the hurt. Confusion.

"What?" he rasped. "You don't want to?"

"Yes, I want to," I nearly cried. "You have no idea how much I want to."

"Then what the fuck, Bella? I- Goddamn it, I need you there."

I shook my head and finally opened my eyes to let him see how horrible this was for me. "I can't go with you, Edward. I _can't_."

Involuntarily, I rubbed at the ache in my chest. His eyes darted down, widened as he processed the meaning, and then he took another step away from me.

"Shit," he breathed. "Shit, shit, shit."

"I'm sorry," I said on a sob.

"Explain it to me." He dragged his hands through his hair. "Stop fucking crying for a second, please, and explain it to me."

I took a deep breath, working to stifle my tears. "I talked to Dr. Banner."

"When?"

"A couple weeks ago. I was freaking out and didn't want to hurt you-"

"You're not hurting me. Bella, I'm the one who keeps hurting _you_ over this. It's exactly what I was-"

"Don't. See, that's what scares me. That you'll do just _that_."

He took a breath and nodded. "Fuck."

"So I showed up for a session of ours early so I could... Not get information out of him. I guess it was my own private session. I just wanted him to ease my mind. Tell me that you weren't going to push me away."

"Did he?"

"Yes. But he brought up a really good point... About how much you depend on me."

"_Fuck_," he uttered once more.

"He thinks you should go without me."

"Why?" he ground out.

"Because I may not always be here."

The way his face contorted, his body twisting away from me to hide his reaction...

I steeled myself against it and continued.

"You need to figure out how to get through stuff like this without me. I need to know that if something does-"

"Don't. Just fucking don't," he whispered.

"Babe... You can't hide from it forever."

"I absolutely can," he snarled back.

"I need to know that if something happens to me you'll be all right. You won't shrivel up and let it consume you."

"I wouldn't want to_ be _without you."

I stayed silent. Because to tell him anything in return would be hypocritical.

"You know what pisses me off the most about this?" he finally asked.

He turned toward me, his expression resigned.

"What?"

"I can't argue with you. You do that thing with your hand, and I can't argue with you."

"Yes, you can."

He laughed once. "No, I can't. That _thing _is what brought you to me. It's been what has made me - us - better every fucking time. As much as I want to, I can't argue with it."

On cue, the ache flared.

He saw me grimace, and let out a frustrated sound.

"Come here. You're too far away from me," he mumbled.

"If I recall correctly, you're the one who backed away from me."

He pulled me against him and buried his face against my neck. "How am I going to make it through that without you?"

"You'll be fine. You're ready."

I suddenly realized the truth in that. How blind I'd been by my own issues that I didn't see it until right at that very moment. How - even though I'd mentioned to Jacob once before that I knew he'd be okay - I'd been so wrapped up with what was going on with _me_ that I'd managed to lose my faith in him at some point. But my faith was renewed now. He might not come out of it unscathed, but he'd get through it.

He got through everything.

He was the most amazing person I'd ever know.

Edward, as usual, was quick to deny it. "No, I'm not."

"You are. And if there's a second that you feel like you can't handle it, Emmett and Jasper will be there to help you out. You just have to let them in."

"I don't want them there."

"I know." I pushed my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, having nothing else I could possibly do for him. "But they'll be there. You don't have to talk to them about any of it. You can rant and pace and freak out all you want when it's over to me. Because I'll be waiting for you on the other side."

He lifted his head to stare down at me. "Yeah?"

"Edward," I chastised softly, standing on my toes to press a kiss to his lips. "Where else would I be?"

"I don't know, Bella. You've been kind of weird lately."

"I'm sorry," I replied earnestly. "I've been stupid about everything. I've put my issues about this whole thing in front of yours, and that's not fair. This trip isn't about me."

"Are you calling yourself selfish?"

I shrugged.

"Bella, baby, you're the least selfish person I can think of. Take it from someone who knows firsthand what selfishness is. Self-preservation, or whatever the fuck you've been doing lately, is not."

I narrowed my eyes up at him, stunned to hear those words come out of his mouth. "When did you get so smart?"

"Some little brunette's been rubbing off on me lately."

"Hmm."

"I know someplace else she can rub too," he murmured playfully.

My lower lip slipped in between my teeth, and I gazed up at him coyly. "Where?"

He inched us closer to the bed. "Come here. I'll show you..."

* * *

><p>"When was the last time I was on a plane?" Jasper wondered to Emmett from the adjacent row. "Hell, I can't remember. Can you?"<p>

"Dude, I don't pay attention to what you do," Emmett said with a snort.

"Well, when was the last time_ you_ were on a plane?"

"When I came home with Mom and Dad."

Jasper's response came just a beat too late. "Really?"

"Yep. Rosie and I drove when we went on our honeymoon."

"Oh, right. She didn't want to go far."

Emmett's jaw clenched with the memory. "Neither did I. I was freaked the fuck out."

"Speaking of sex, you get her pregnant yet?"

"Are you questioning my abilities here, Jasper?" Emmett returned.

"Possibly."

"Seriously?"

Jasper grinned. "Yep."

"It's been two weeks!" Emmett replied, not bothering to hide his offense to that. "I haven't had a chance to really do anything yet."

"Two weeks is enough time, Em," Jasper teased. "Take it from the doctor here."

"Almost doctor, ass."

"I have nine weeks left. It's close enough." Jasper kept the smile on his face. "And it only takes once. One really well-timed fuck. Right, Edward?"

"Shut the hell up," he seethed from beside me. "Just shut the hell up. No one wants to hear this shit."

I put my hand on his bouncing leg and gave him a look.

He groaned and threw his head back. "Fuck. Sorry. I just- Sorry."

Emmett and Jasper shrugged his apology off, unconcerned with his attitude. We'd expected it. In fact, had Edward acted any differently today, we'd have all been lost.

"Where did you get matched up again?" I asked Jasper.

"A couple of places. I'm staying home, though. With Alice."

"You'll be in Seattle?" I asked hopefully.

He nodded. "You're looking at one of Harborview's newest residents."

Emmett coughed. "Intern, dick."

Jasper smacked him.

"That's... that's awesome, Jazz."

He beamed across the aisle at me.

I gave him a quick smile in return, and then turned my attention to Edward.

"You all right?" I whispered.

He lowered his eyes to mine. "No."

"Is there anything I can do?" It was a ridiculous question, but I had to ask it anyway.

He shook his head once, and then faced the window.

"Okay, then," I said to myself.

He heard me and silently took my hand.

The flight was long. Longer than I'd anticipated. Maybe because we were all on edge. Jasper and Emmett kept glancing over at Edward after his outburst, and I had to sit and feel him fidget against me. See his legs bounce, ankles cross, out of the corner of my eye. His book shook in his hand; his Coke sat untouched on his tray.

But not once did I let my hold on his hand go.

It was the only thing I could do for him.

Once the plane landed, Jasper and Emmett retrieved their phones to call Rosalie and Alice. I pulled my own out and hurried a quick text to Carlisle before Edward could notice. He'd been so adamant about keeping his parents out of this, mostly out of fear of hurting them. But I didn't think he realized just how understanding they were of what he was doing. They'd always known his past ate away at him, and now that he had slowly come to find himself again, they'd support anything he did if he thought it would better himself further.

My text, however, didn't go unnoticed.

"Who was that?"

"Dad," I lied.

"Your father texts?" he asked, frowning. "Since when?"

"Since now?"

He blinked over at me, seeing my words for what they really were.

Thankfully, though, the crew chose that exact moment to open the door and let us all out.

Edward paced around the luggage carousel while we waited for our bags to resurface. He grabbed Emmett's and threw it to the side, and then did the same with my bag.

"Easy, man," Emmett laughed. "You're going to break someone's foot acting like that."

Edward glanced around, flushing immediately. "Shit. I don't-"

His hands shook when they came up to run through his hair, and I immediately intervened.

"Let's go outside for some air, huh? Let them take care of the rest?"

He let out a breath and nodded.

We were silent until we stepped outside. Once he was away from prying eyes and ears, from his brothers, it was like the dam burst, and everything came pouring out.

"This was a mistake. I can't do this, can't be here. I don't know what I was-" He choked back some kind of emotion and started running his hands over his face, arms, everywhere he could touch.

I'd seen this before. Right when I first started to get to know him, when conversations took unexpected turns and the world he'd fought so hard to build up around him threatened to cave in.

My carry-on weighed heavily on my shoulder, the knowledge of what it held inside it suddenly pulling at me. I carefully maneuvered it around my body so I could reach inside it and pulled out the journal, a bottle of water, and the bag full of meds out.

Mixed in with mine was the anxiety medication Dr. Banner had prescribed Edward. The prescription I made him fill before we left.

"I don't want any of that shit," he ground out upon seeing my intent.

So stubborn.

"You may not want it, but you need it."

"I don't."

I arched my brow in return.

"God- Fuck, Bella. What good am I if I can't even get through being in this fucking city without medicating myself?"

"It's just a city, Edward," I reminded him softly. "One I hoped you'd show me a little of. If it takes half a freaking Xanax to get you to do so, then so be it. You need something good out of this trip, baby."

"What's good about it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Shedd Aquarium? Soldier Field? That damn Sue thing?"

His lips twitched with a smile, and I instantly felt relieved. "You've done your homework."

"I want to know more about where you come from. Is that wrong?"

"You know where I come from. This place doesn't matter because it's not home."

He blanched suddenly with his words.

"God, I'm a fucking dumbass."

I barely managed to keep from laughing at his sudden epiphany. "No, it doesn't matter. So let's not let it, okay?"

"Yeah." He pointed at the stuff in my hands. "Now put that shit away so I can touch you properly."

"Touch me, huh? In public?" I teased, obeying his command and slipping everything back into my bag.

"Yeah. You know. Clingy shit."

I giggled until he had his arms around me and put his forehead on my shoulder.

"I smell like plane."

"You smell like you," he insisted. "Warm and girly and... Well, like coconuts."

"It's my shampoo."

"Don't fucking change it. It's one of the first things I realized I loved about you: your scent."

"You're supposed to mix it up to keep your hair from going flat, you know."

"Bella."

I laughed, grateful that the man verging on a panic attack had seemingly vanished. "Okay, okay. I'm not changing it."

"Thank fuck." I could have sworn he sniffed at me. "But you do sort of smell like plane."

"Thanks," I said dryly, pushing him away.

His eyes danced over me, concern etching across his features. "You feel all right?"

"You're freaking out about _me_ now?"

He simply smiled. "It doesn't just fucking turn off, baby. You know that."

I opened my mouth to argue, but found that I couldn't.

He was right.

"I'm fine." At his skeptical look, I continued. "I promise. I took all those vitamins and Echinacea you gave me. Nothing to worry about."

"You're sure?"

"I was fine when we got home from Phoenix, wasn't I?"

He nodded, another smile tugging at his lips. "Feel free to tell me to shut up at any time, Bella."

I grinned back at him. "Shut up."

* * *

><p>It had been dark when we'd arrived at our hotel - and we were exhausted from travel - so the four of us had gone into our designated rooms and shut the world away. Well, I'd let Edward shut the world away. I discreetly gave his brothers and the rest of our family back in Washington updates on how he was handling everything.<p>

He seemed to be well. He fooled around in the shower with me, ate dinner, and was relaxing against the headboard as the movie played on TV...

"You're staring at me," he said with a sidelong glance. "It's sort of creepy."

"Oh."

I immediately turned my focus back on the TV.

"I'm okay," he said lowly. "I'm... fuck, I'm kind of tired."

"Want to turn off the movie and sleep?"

"No."

"But you just said you were tired," I replied, turning to him in confusion.

The apprehension, the fear that was staring back at me nearly ripped my heart out.

"Baby..."

"I think if I fucking fall asleep, I'll dream. And I can't fucking dream before I see her. I can't have all that fresh in my mind when I go. I'll... I'll lose my shit if I do."

I scrambled on top of him, holding his face in my hands and pressing kisses on his forehead, nose, lips...

He grabbed me and pulled my tight against him, shifting me in the most delicious of ways.

"Take one of those pills," I gasped into his mouth. "You need to sleep."

"No. Just make me forget, Bella."

"Edward..."

I groaned when his hand came between us and cupped me, rocking into his palm as heat seared through me.

"Make me forget. Please. Just for a little while."

His words were painful, desperate, making it impossible to refuse him.

So forget we did. Over and over again, in every way we could think of, until we were too exhausted to hold our heads up. And even then, we never let go of each other, never stopped talking about inconsequential things, never stopped making plans for our future.

Our future was bright, stretched out endlessly before us.

We merely needed to bury the past so that we could live it.

xx

"Oh, my God," I gasped from the window, "it's beautiful. It doesn't look like a lake at all. It's like... It's like I'm looking at the ocean."

He came up from behind me and wrapped his arms around me, holding me to him as he stared down at Lake Michigan.

"You're prettier," he argued against my skin. He pressed a kiss to the hollow behind my ear, and I shivered. "So much prettier."

I scoffed. "Come on. That is gorgeous, Edward. Don't even try to deny it."

"I'm not. I'm saying you're better looking, that's all."

I rolled my eyes.

"I wish it was warmer. I'd take you out on it."

"You don't have a boat."

He chuckled. "Don't need one. They give tours. I'd just take you on one of those."

"Tours? Of what?"

"Like skyline viewing at sunset kind of things. I hear the view of downtown's nice at that time of day."

"_Sounds_ nice."

"Maybe next time," he said pulling away from me.

"You think you'd ever come back?" I asked him.

He was quiet for a moment, not answering until I'd twisted away from the window to face him.

"I could," was all he said in return.

The meaning wasn't lost on me. He could... if I ever wanted to.

And I was pretty sure that given his history here, I'd never want to.

I dragged Edward down to breakfast with his brothers, insisting that he give them the satisfaction of seeing he was holding up all right for themselves. He bitched and moaned the entire way down the elevator, but was surprisingly polite when we joined them.

"What'd you guys do all night?" Emmett asked, his brows wiggling as if he already knew the answer.

"Jesus, Em," Edward grumbled. "Do you hear me asking you about yours and Rosalie's sex life ever?"

"Well, no, but see, you two weren't exactly... quiet."

My face flamed, and I diverted my eyes toward the lobby. Leave it to Emmett to make breakfast awkward.

"Then don't fucking listen," Edward snapped out.

"It's kind of hard not to when the walls are paper thin," he said with a laugh.

"It isn't hard at all," Edward protested, his entire body going rigid beside me. "Trust me. I spent years ignoring what you did inside your room at Mom and Dad's. It's a matter of respect. And that right there tells me you don't have any for Bella."

He pushed away from the table in disgust. "I'm done. I'm not hungry anymore. Bella, I'll meet you up in our room. We can leave after you've eaten."

"Edward-"

He pressed a kiss to my hair. "I just need to walk it off, okay?"

I nodded, reluctantly giving him the space he was asking for.

When he was gone from sight, I turned around and glared at Emmett.

"What the hell was that?"

"Trying to lighten things up a bit," he mumbled.

"Oh, yeah? And talking about my sex life is the way to do it?"

He didn't answer.

"Don't make me regret bringing you two."

"Hey, what did I do?" Jasper demanded.

"Nothing. That's the problem!"

Jasper threw his head back with a groan. "Fuck, B. Sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"Obviously," I replied. "Neither of you were. He doesn't need this shit."

"He doesn't need me tiptoeing around him," Emmett countered.

"But do you have to be such an inconsiderate ass?"

"Guess not," he said guiltily.

We were quiet as we ate. The second I was done, I threw down enough cash to cover my meal and got up, ignoring every last one of their objections on my way back upstairs.

I was still none too pleased with those two at the moment.

I hesitantly opened the door to our room and found Edward lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling blankly.

"You ready to go?" he asked without moving.

"I just need to take my meds."

With that, he finally sat up and watched me as I made my way to my bag and dumped out my pills for the morning.

"Where are we going?"

"Anywhere you want. I have some things I want to show you first, though, if that's okay?"

"Of course it is," I answered immediately, giving him an odd look. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"It's..." He trailed off uncertainly. "Well, you'll see."

He led me to where he'd parked the rental in the garage attached to the hotel when we arrived and opened the door for me, shutting me in without a word. The ride was silent. I watched skyscrapers give way to smaller buildings, and then saw our surroundings seem to slowly crumble around us.

"Where are we?"

He didn't answer, too busy looking for a safe place to park the car. He found a garage and parked in a spot that was visible to the attendant then waited for me just to the rear of the car.

He took my hand, leading me once more, a determined look on his face the entire way. We rounded the corner and the wind blew, stealing my breath and causing my hair to whip around my face harshly.

"Holy shit," I gasped, turning away from it.

A brittle laugh escaped him as he pushed the hair from my eyes. "Told you the dress would be useless."

I reached up and went to zip my jacket, chilled now. "How did you stand this?"

A dark look passed over his features, and he glanced around warily. "You get used to it."

"No, I can't imagine you do."

He said nothing in return again.

I sighed.

Windows in the buildings around us were boarded up, and the sidewalk was eroding away in certain places. Graffiti was everywhere. I followed Edward blindly to wherever he was taking me, not expecting the sudden stop when we reached a highway overpass.

"I used to sleep here a lot," he said numbly, and pointed to a little cave like area in the structure. "Right there. It was hidden from sight and protected against the wind."

My breath caught, and I had to grab a hold of his arm as images of him sleeping there alone flashed through my mind. Before I could say anything, he was gesturing us forward.

A few blocks further, where the neighborhood seemed to have miraculously undergone a makeover, he brought us to a halt. He gazed in the store window for a moment, a shudder running through him, and then went inside. The second I walked in behind him, I knew exactly why he'd had that reaction.

We were in his music store.

"It's not much. Most of their equipment's used, but this is where..."

He didn't finish the sentence, his gaze focused on someone coming out of the back. His hair was a nondescript sort of brown; blue eyes were kind. The man stared at Edward for a moment, and then smiled widely as he rushed to greet him.

"Edward Masen!" he exclaimed. "My God, kid, you've grown!"

Edward's cheeks mottled with color, and he gave me a shy look. "Bella, this is Peter Haskins. He owns this place."

"Nice to meet you," I said genuinely. "Edward's told me a lot about bouncing around from store to store learning to play. It was good of you to not kick him out."

Peter laughed, and clapped Edward on the shoulder. Edward tensed for a split second, but it was more out of surprise than anything else.

"Oh, I nearly did until I realized he wasn't just some punk; he had talent. From then on, when he came in, I pretended to not notice him. It was nice to get someone who could actually play in here every now and then."

If I thought Edward couldn't have gotten any more embarrassed, I'd have been wrong. He wrung his hands in front of him, shifting his weight, before finally clearing his throat and asking to play the black piano in the corner.

"She's new. Well, new for me," Peter answered. "Haven't had a chance to check her out yet. Want to do me the favor?"

"Sure," Edward replied.

I decided not to follow Edward all the way back to the piano, giving him some room to figure out his feelings on his own. I waited for the music to start after he'd sat down, but he simply gazed down at the keys, an indecipherable expression on his face.

"Haven't seen him for a long time," Peter murmured to me. "Thought he was dead."

"Probably should be," I responded softly.

"Damn," he muttered. "I hate to hear that."

"He's better now for it. He was adopted soon after," I told him, struggling not to give too much away. I had no idea who I could trust around here. "And he's in med school."

The way Peter's eyes widened was almost comical. "Always knew that kid was smarter than he looked."

I giggled. "Yeah."

Edward's hands found the keys, and without thinking, I put my hand over my mouth to keep the squeal of excitement from bubbling up and out of me.

Peter looked at me strangely, but I ignored it. All I could hear was the music, the way it started out soft and smooth, how it gradually built and built until the entire room was flooded with the sound. I snuck a glance over at Peter and saw that instead of looking at me, he was gazing at Edward in awe, his mouth open as Maggie's piece echoed around us.

"Please let him finish it," I said under my breath.

_Please._

I rocked on my heels, waiting for that moment that Edward got frustrated and quit, but it never came. Not once did his movements falter. Not once did he second guess himself.

When he'd finished, we were all silent.

And then I was moving, weaving my way through the pianos as fast as I could. I didn't slow down till I was almost on top of Edward. I lunged at him and peppered his face with kisses, not hiding just how unbelievably proud I was at that very second.

"How long were you planning that?"

"Not planning," he chuckled, bringing his arms down to my waist and settling me against him. "Just hoping."

"It was wonderful," I told him honestly. "So, so good."

He kissed me once, pulling back with a huge smile on his face. He turned around to face Peter, still standing there in shock, and laughed to himself.

"I have one more place to show you before we leave and do touristy shit. Is that okay?"

I nodded eagerly, more than happy to see little snippets of his life here.

Good and bad.

He lightly slapped my ass to get me off of him, grabbing my hand as we started out the door. He paused and turned back to tell Peter what I assumed would be a goodbye.

But he surprised me.

"Hey, Peter?"

Peter seemed to snap out of his stupor, blinking at Edward. "Good Lord, kid. That was incredible."

"Thanks. Hey, listen, I'm going to come back for her at the end of the week. You'll hold her for me?"

"You've got the cash?"

"I've got the cash," he confirmed. "Want any down?"

"Nah. I trust you. She's all yours."

Edward smiled and started out the door. "Oh, and Pete? She's a little flat. You might want to fix that for me before I come back."

Peter's laughter was the last thing I heard before the door shut behind us.


	36. Chapter 36

**Thanks for all the reviews last chapter! I didn't get a chance to reply to any yet, but like that's a shock. Work is a nightmare right now. In fact, my eyes are crossing as we speak...**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work. Thanks to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading. Luvs you all **

**Not everyone will be happy with this chapter, but I can't help it. No matter how many times I tried to write it differently, this is what came out. So yeah. Apologies all around if you hate it ;)**

**Also, I have this fic finished and have started writing a new one. Two more chapters and an epi are left after this update. Cue my sobs.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 36<p>

**Edward**

Bella was taking entirely too much goddamned time in the bathroom.

I walked around the hotel room trying to find something to do while I waited, but it was useless. I couldn't focus on shit. Not with what was looming over me.

Anxiety burst inside me, and I had to grip onto the edge of the little desk sitting against the wall so I didn't topple right the fuck over.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella, get out of the bathroom already!" I shouted, for no good reason other than to release this... this...

The bathroom door opened suddenly, and Bella came hurrying out. Her head was down, hair falling over her face so that I couldn't see her.

"Sorry." Her voice warbled, betraying her calm exterior.

I rushed across the tiny room and turned her around, shoving her hair back so I could confirm my suspicions. Her eyes were swollen, cheeks puffy. Her teeth took hold of her lip as her chin quivered, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I grabbed the fabric of her shirt, struggling to rein in some of this emotion. Once... Twice, I went to speak, but words failed me. She watched me with wide, cautious eyes, another tear slipping free and rolling toward her mouth.

I wanted to kiss it all away, but I knew how utterly ridiculous that notion was. We'd still be right back in this same spot when I broke away for air.

Nothing would be better until I got this over with.

"No," I finally choked out. "I can't... I'm not going if you-"

"Yes, you are," she insisted. "I'm just..."

Her hands fluttered around, and in that moment, she looked completely lost. Then she righted herself, took hold of my face, and gave me this look that showed me just how much she believed in me.

It was enough to destroy me.

"When do you guys plan on leaving?"

I knew exactly what she was doing. She was pushing everything she felt down to focus on me, something she'd done so many times before.

And I needed her to do it too much to even consider arguing with her about it.

"An hour... Oh, fuck." My lungs seized up. "I only have an hour before I-"

I pushed her away, uncertain if I was going to be sick or not.

I swallowed. Tasted bile. Again and again and again…

Hands on my face, comforting me. Calming me. Words now. Hushed whispers of encouragement. Praise. Things I didn't want to believe, but knew I needed to hear. To remind me that I wasn't the same anymore. That this would someday no longer matter to me.

"You're okay," she said. Her fingers skimmed my jaw, over my neck. To my heart. "You're okay."

"Fuck," I gasped. "Maybe I should take those meds."

She stood back and stared up at me, reading me.

And then she smiled. "Nah. You've got this."

I snorted out a laugh and dropped my forehead to hers. "The fuck I do."

She sighed heavily. "Don't do that. I hate when you do that."

"I know. Old habits die hard or whatever."

"Or whatever." She giggled. "Nice. Very eloquent."

"You're lucky you got that much."

She just kept smiling at me, saying nothing.

"I don't want you to cry all day, Bella. You know I can't stand it when you cry."

"Well, then, it looks like we'll both be doing stuff the other doesn't like."

"Bella."

"I can't help it. I'm so nervous for you."

I gathered her up, bringing her impossibly closer to me. Fuck, I wanted to just bury myself inside her. Never part from her. Take away everything she was feeling right now and replace it with something... good. Incredible, even.

Funny how after all those years of thinking of no one but myself, this one girl managed to right that. Make it so that even in the midst of all this, _she _was what came first.

"What are you nervous about?" I questioned, somehow pushing those thoughts and my body's reaction to the former aside.

She gazed back at me skeptically. "Really?"

"Really. Tell me."

"I... Edward, I don't think it's such a good idea..."

"Tell me," I persisted.

She huffed in annoyance, but I knew immediately that she'd caved.

"Well, for starters, I worry about those panic attacks of yours."

I nodded. "Same here. The last thing I want is for Elizabeth to watch me hurl all over her floor. Wait, actually, that's not such a bad idea."

She managed to laugh a little.

"What? It's the least I can do to her. She can see exactly how all her bullshit still affects me, and I can ruin her carpet at the same time."

Her fingers flexed into my shoulders.

"What else worries you?"

"You running into someone that recognizes you."

"We did that. Yesterday."

"No, stop trying to be so nonchalant about it. You know some piano store guy is not what I was referring to."

"I know, and I worry about that too. But not as much."

"Why not?"

"Because," I explained, "I don't look a thing like I did when I was fourteen. Except for my hair, and I have a hat to cover it up."

"But what if Elizabeth tells someone-"

"We'll be out of there before they have a chance to react. I promise," I soothed her.

She relaxed somewhat.

"Is that it?"

"No... I worry about me. About what I'm going to do while you're gone."

"I'm not going to be gone all day, baby. Just a few hours. I'll call you as soon as I'm on my way back here, and we can change our flights and leave right after if it'll make you feel better."

"I know," she sighed.

She still looked upset and I actually, surprising the fuck out of myself, laughed.

Her eyes narrowed.

"Nothing's going to make you happy right now, is it?"

She opened her mouth to object, and then snapped it closed.

"No..." she muttered petulantly. "Probably not."

Words could not explain how much I loved her - in all her protective glory - right at that very second. Knowing just how _here_ she was for me was going to enable me to do this.

I only had to walk out the door first.

Looked like my idiot brothers were going to help me out with that.

Bella groaned at the sound of them knocking. "They're early."

"It's better this way. I need to go."

While I was still motivated to.

Tears welled in her eyes, and I gave her a quick kiss and turned away before I could change my mind.

I grabbed an old Cubs hat I had in my room at home and stopped at the door. "I love you, Bella. So fucking much."

"I love you. Be careful."

With that, I was out the door, running straight into my ape of a brother as I stepped into the hall.

"Let's go."

"You good?"

"Not really."

"Need anything?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Emmett, I swear to God if you keep this up, I'm going to make you stay here."

He held up his hands in surrender. "Sorry."

I punched the button for the elevator and just grunted.

Jasper, at least, was a little more tactful on the way down.

"I know you don't want us here..."

"Not really, but I get why you were so insistent to come now."

He blinked.

"Bella told me about Banner's idea." I chuckled to myself, realizing something that I'd completely missed until now. "At least I know why the chief was telling me I should go alone."

"He was what?"

I shrugged. "Ah, he was just trying to encourage me to make the decision on my own, I think. I didn't get it till now, though."

"Does Bella know?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't make any difference. I wouldn't have listened to him."

Bella, though... I'd always listen to her.

"You know we'd come anyway, right? And that we weren't bullshitting you back at the shop?" Emmett asked, his blue eyes boring into mine. "You get that too, don't you?"

I sighed and felt some strange sense of gratitude swell inside me. "I do. And... Uh... Thanks. It means a lot."

Emmett nodded, unbelievably getting some restraint on himself and not making some ridiculous comment back.

The elevator ride was silent. The car ride was silent. I'd given Jasper the directions to my old neighborhood and sat in the back, feeling myself revert a little to my old ways in an effort to get through all of this. Not the self-worth part of it, though. The numbing way I was able to handle things before. I had a feeling that wearing my heart on my sleeve would be my biggest mistake. I had to at least _pretend_ like I didn't give a shit.

Because as gratifying as the thought of ruining Elizabeth's carpet further was earlier, there was no way in hell I would let her see how much she screwed me up by sending me to live with Aro.

I needed answers. And I needed to be clear-headed enough to get them. Shutting down for a while seemed like the only way to do so.

We parked a few blocks away in a parking garage and quickly exited the rental car. My brothers, thank fuck, weren't dressed like normal. They had on old, ratty jeans, t-shirts they typically wore in the garage, and their greasy, black boots. Nothing about them looked as though they belonged anywhere other than this place, and for that, I was fucking grateful. The last thing we needed was some piece of trash trying to mug us while we were here.

I wanted in and out with as little fanfare as possible.

"What are you going to do if she's not home?" Emmett questioned as we walked toward my old apartment complex.

"Wait."

He glanced around. "That sounds... fun."

I snorted.

"Well, at least he's still got his sense of humor," Jasper muttered, seemingly wary.

I didn't acknowledge that. The closer we got to Elizabeth's apartment, the more I realized that I was going to be able to handle this.

Then I turned the corner and saw the building, and all rational thought flew out the window.

I stopped and stared, feeling my chest tighten, my lungs work harder to bring air into them. I felt a hand - Jasper's, maybe? - lightly tap my shoulder in encouragement, and I shook my head, trying to rid myself of every emotion this fucking place evoked.

"It's a shithole," Emmett commented, likely hoping to snap me out of it.

It worked. "I said that to Bella not too long ago."

"How's this place standing?"

"Beats the fuck out of me."

"You good?"

"Are you really asking me that again?" I returned, glowering over at him.

He simply laughed, the bastard.

I gazed back at the building again and finally started to see it for what it truly was. It was a shithole; that much was true. But it wasn't as threatening as my mind had always made it out to be. Not as big. It was this faded, odd color of green. Not tan like I'd remembered. And that was what hit me the hardest. That I'd put so much into what I'd remembered as a child, and not all of it was even correct.

What else had I gotten wrong?

The door opened, and a guy came pouring out of it, twitchy and sniffling, looking as if he was heading out to get a fix. He looked at us as he passed by, and I pulled my hat further down to keep him from being able to see me clearly.

He was too preoccupied to care, though. A cursory glance our way and he was gone.

I rushed to the door before it closed, not able to remember if this place had any kind of working security system on the entrance or not, and headed up the stairs to the second floor. Trash littered the hallways, and there was a woman slumped over not too far from where Elizabeth's door was. I held my breath as I walked by her, remembering all the times I'd done this as a kid.

Some things never fucking changed.

And then I was there, with nothing but a piece of wood separating me from my mother, from the life I never wanted to have. I hesitated; my hand hovered just a few inches from the door. My heart started beating loudly, pounding a rhythm inside me so hard, it stole my breath.

Or maybe I was just on the verge of panicking again.

I dropped my hand and paced around, maneuvering around Emmett and Jasper as I tried to regain control of myself. I was beginning to sweat; I could feel it, the discomfort of it, and wheezed out a "fuck" when I realized this wasn't going to be something so easily conquered.

I needed Bella.

I could call her.

But something wouldn't let me.

And I knew exactly what it was.

Another curse came out of me, this time angry, frustrated. I had to do this alone. _Had _to, no matter how much I didn't want to.

"God damn it," I muttered, expecting some kind of response from Emmett or Jasper.

Only they said nothing.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and twisted so that I could bang on the door. Once was all I managed, and something inside me prayed like fucking hell that she wouldn't answer, that I'd have time to regroup before she arrived.

Or chicken out, as it would likely be.

But that wasn't the case. The door swung open, and I felt nauseated, dizzy, looking down at this... this...

"Holy shit," I breathed, not believing my eyes. She was tiny... So fucking frail. Her red hair was smoothed away from her face, her eyes exhausted. She glanced up and I noticed how they were just like Maggie's. Paler, larger than my own. Maggie looked so much like her, and I'd just never really seen it, my memories so distorted now that I couldn't.

I towered over her, and with it, came a feeling of power. She couldn't do shit to me anymore. Not now, not ever again. I was stronger, smarter, and I'd be fucking damned if I let this burn - this need to panic over it all - win.

I sneered down at her, jerking my Cubs hat off of my head and watched her eyes widen, her mouth part just slightly in shock and her hand come up to fidget with the collar of her waitress uniform.

"Hi, _Mom_."

* * *

><p>She still had the same blue walls, the same pockmarks marring the plaster beneath the dark paint. But new ones had joined in, white gashes in odd places, making me wonder what the fuck had happened in here to create them...<p>

Not that I was planning to ask her or anything.

I could hear her clattering around in the kitchen and knew that she'd expected me to sit while she was away. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't look past the same wall that led down to my old room, over to the closet in the corner I used to hide.

I turned my body even further away from it, almost like I could protect myself from it.

Which was stupid.

She resurfaced with a mug of coffee or tea; I didn't care enough to find out which, gazing at me curiously as she moved through the room. She stopped just inside, keeping a safe distance from the three of us, and finally asked, "Why are you here?"

Her voice ate at me, the dread. Regret. She reached into her pocket to pull out a cigarette, and I immediately tensed up.

"Don't light it."

Her brows knit together.

"I can't go back to Bella smelling like a fucking ashtray."

"Bella?"

_Shit._

I drove a hand through my hair and snuck a glance at Emmett.

He shrugged.

"My girlfriend. She's..." I exhaled sharply. "She has health issues. I gave it up for her."

"You smoked?"

"Did you expect anything less?" I growled in answer.

She almost looked... hurt by that. "You're not like..." Her eyes darted around the room, and I knew exactly what she was getting at.

"No. I'm not like you."

She breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Not that you'd really give a shit."

Her eyes met mine, surprisingly fierce. "I always cared."

"You've got a fucked up way of showing it."

"I was... God, I _was_ really messed up. Half the time I wasn't even thinking straight."

"Christ," I mumbled.

"I'm clean now," she whispered. "Have been for years."

I was silent, trying to figure out how to respond. The only thing I kept thinking of was how right Bella was.

She always was.

Eventually, I just decided not to. "Why'd you do it?"

"What?"

"Everything," I responded in exasperation. "Do you know how fucked up I am because of it?"

"I-"

"You should have just given me up, like you did her," I continued, my voice rising with anger.

She flinched, gasped.

"Oh, you thought I wouldn't find out about her? About Maggie?"

"I-" Her chin trembled now. "I knew I couldn't take care of both of you. You were so little, and Ed... Ed tried to take you both, but you were my baby. I-"

"What?" I shouted. "You _what_?"

"She wasn't planned. And... I loved - _love _- her, but for some reason, I didn't want her. I... I told you, I was really messed up. When she was born, I was so-"

"Do not blame this on postpartum shit," I bit out.

"That's what we thought it was at first, but it was more. It's... It's why I let your dad have her. I couldn't connect with her like I did you. I thought it was better if he took her with him."

"And he just agreed?"

"Not really, no. He fought me on it, threatened to take me to court and get custody of you both. He loved you, too, Edward. He did."

"You don't get to fucking say that for him," I snarled. "You hear me?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Keep going."

She thought for a moment, and then continued. "Even though we didn't work, we still cared about each other. We were going to give the arrangement a year, give me time to come out of my funk, I guess you could say. He'd keep Maggie for six months; I'd keep you. At least until you got into school, and then we'd figure something else out. He'd moved to New York for a while to try to get in with... He played piano. Did you know that?"

That last part of me, the part that loathed my father, snapped in two.

And all I wanted to do was crumble to the ground and mourn over... _everything_.

"So do I," I said numbly. "Maggie too."

"Both of you?" she whispered.

I nodded once.

"Um..." She struggled to regain her thought process, showing me just how damaged she was now, how many gaps were in her brain thanks to all those years of self-medication. "Your dad found out he was sick and didn't want to take you in the middle of all that. He thought he could come back to Illinois, do the treatments, and then get you. But it didn't happen. He just progressively got worse and worse... He visited, though. Once, before the cancer spread."

"I don't remember it."

"No. I suppose you wouldn't." A shudder racked her tiny body, and she gazed out the window. "When he died... I couldn't... I couldn't function anymore. I'd barely been able to when he left. But that... It was like I'd died right along with him."

"Why didn't you give me away like you did Maggie?"

"I thought I could get better," she explained. "She didn't know me. And you... You were my _son_."

"You were wrong."

"I was," she agreed. "Years went by before I realized what was really going on with me."

I wanted to ask what, exactly, it was, but I had a feeling I already knew how sick she was, what her diagnosis finally ended up being.

I could probably list off the medications in her bathroom right now.

"By then you were-"

"And so were you."

"Yeah."

I took a steadying breath. "I don't understand why you let Aro take me. Why you _left_."

"I went to rehab. For almost a year."

My eyes shot to hers, and I braced myself against the wall, too stunned to keep my balance. "What? They always told me you needed money and traded me out for..."

"They lied," she replied. "To both of us. And I was so desperate for something... To get better, I didn't see through it."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.

"Would you have believed me?"

"I..." I shook my head. "No."

She wiped at her eyes and tried to smile at me. "It's why I finally let Carlisle and Esme take you. You were so weak when I saw you in the hospital. I'd done so many things wrong that needed to be made right. And they were so right for you. Besides, you hated me. You'd have run away the second you were able."

"I did. I-" I stopped. "You need to know why I'm... Why it's taken me so long to get to the point of wanting answers. I buried everything down for years so I didn't have to deal with any of this."

"Edward-"

"I was terrified of you and all the guys you brought around me. I'd hide in that closet," I told her, pointing in its direction, "and... Do you remember that guy you brought home when I was five? Right after my father died? The one who saw me and-"

"No."

"See, that's my point. I was so fucking little, and you had no idea what was going on. You were so fucked up you had no idea your son was hiding in plain sight watching you while you-"

I choked on the words the second a sob escaped Elizabeth's lips.

"I was hungry. All the time. When I first moved in with Carlisle and Esme, I hid food in my room, because that's what I did with you. When you'd finally get sober enough to buy it, I'd hide it and save it for when the rest was gone. It took me years to stop feeling like I had to do it. Years, Elizabeth."

"I'm sorry," she cried.

"Don't be sorry," I shot back. "I know you couldn't help it. I get it now, okay? I didn't for the longest time, but I've been in therapy for a while, and we've been... Anyway, I do now. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change years of neglect, months of abuse I went through when I lived at Aro's, how hard I struggled not to freeze to death or keep my fucking grades up so the school wouldn't know I was homeless. How I used people and-"

I ground my teeth together and finally let my eyes drift over to my brothers. There was something there, some unspoken understanding between the three of us. We'd all lived through hell once, but because of Carlisle and Esme we'd been redeemed. Saved.

"It doesn't change the fact that I had to almost die to find a family."

The words were out now - answers had been given - but none of it seemed to help anything. I started pacing, searched for why I still felt like a piece of all this was missing. And then Elizabeth caught my eye, the sight of her wiping at her tears, the guilt all over her face.

I suddenly knew why I was here.

"There's more," I said lowly.

Her head snapped up. "More?"

"Maggie..." I groaned against the ache in my chest. "Maggie's gone. She... There was a car accident, and-"

"No." The look on her face nearly ripped me in two. "No, no, no..."

"She was happy, though. So happy. She lived in Texas and wanted to find me. She-"

My eyes stung with tears, and I hurriedly blinked them back.

"She gave me Bella."

I could see the confusion through her grief, and got enough composure about me to explain.

"There's a phenomena in the medical field known as cellular memory. It's what some people believe links a transplant patient to their donor. My Bella is one of those who've experienced something of it. She woke up after her surgery and would hear a melody in her head. It was Claire de Lune."

She understood immediately. I could see it in her eyes.

I said the words anyway.

"She got Maggie's heart, and when she was recovered enough, she came looking for me. She's... the best thing to ever walk into my life, and if it hadn't been for my sister-"

I couldn't finish it. Watching Elizabeth slide down the wall, heaving, gasping as she sobbed, was just too fucking much.

I went over to her, having no fucking idea what I was doing. I crouched down and watched her cry, feeling almost sorry for telling her everything. And before I could understand it, I was touching her. Letting her fold her body over my arm and trying to find out why I thought it would help her. Me.

I knew right then I couldn't hate her. No matter how much I wanted to. She wasn't the monster I'd always made her out to be. She was flawed. Human. A victim of disease.

I thought maybe I just felt sad for her. Us. I'd never forgive her for what I'd gone through, but I couldn't just leave her like this, not with knowing everything I did now about mania and depression and drug abuse. How likely she was to relapse or... worse.

I couldn't fucking have that on my conscience.

So I lifted her up and waited for her to calm down. She stared up at me, her eyes swimming with tears, and I almost laughed at myself. At what I was getting ready to ask.

"Do you want to meet her?"

She reared back a little, obviously startled by my question.

It made two of us.

"Bella," I elaborated. "Do you want to meet her? See what your daughter gave me?"

"Would she even-"

"She's Liberty," Emmett chimed in, and I'd completely managed to forget they were still here. "She'll want to meet you."

"But... but why?"

"Because that's just who she is," I responded, a smile twisting at my lips.

"She doesn't hate me?"

"Oh, she hates you," I said ruefully. "But that's my fault."

She seemed lost for words.

"Come on." I took a step away from her. "Just for an hour or so. I'll call her and let her know we're on our way."

"Wait. I have something..."

Elizabeth disappeared in the back of the apartment, and I reached down and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I stopped, though, my finger hovering over the call button and glanced up at Emmett and Jasper.

"Well?"

"That was the most fucked up thing I think I've ever been a part of," Emmett replied. "But you kicked ass."

I was taken aback for some reason, and then laughed almost hysterically. I'd done it. I'd made it through this shit and gotten what I wanted. And I felt lighter for it, like I could finally fucking move on.

With the girl whose sweet voice was now in my ear, breathing my name out with joy.

"I'm done. It's over. But I... God, you're going to think I'm nuts."

"What?"

"I asked Elizabeth to come meet you."

She was silent.

"Bella?"

"Why?"

"She knows about Maggie. You. I- It's not exactly how I thought. There were things that-" I huffed. "I can explain it better after I've processed it all."

"What's there to process?"

"I need to adjust my perception of events," I told her honestly.

"I have no idea what that means. But I don't care. I'm just glad you're okay." I could hear her start to cry on the other end. "You have no idea."

"Baby," I moaned. "Please. I'm fine. I promise."

"I know. That's why I'm crying," she said, making this weird sound. "You've come so far in the last ten months."

"I've got more to go," I reminded her.

I saw Elizabeth out of the corner of my eye, dressed in a pair of jeans and a loose, white button-up, and straightened up, clearing my throat. "I've gotta go. I'll be back as soon as I can. Want to meet us downstairs in the lobby?"

"Yeah," she sniffed. "I can do that."

I quickly murmured a goodbye, and then faced my mother. My eyes zeroed in on the black lacquered box in her hand.

"No."

"He'd be proud of you," she said softly. "You've grown into someone..."

I looked away. I didn't want to hear that shit.

"Well, here. I think you should have it. It's got everything I kept of your dad in it."

"Yeah, I know."

"Maggie's in there too."

_The fuck?_

She laughed at my reaction. "See for yourself."

I hesitantly took the box from her and opened it. There were the knickknacks, keepsakes, I remembered, the picture of my father-

"You look like him."

I stared at the photo but didn't see the resemblance. "Maybe."

I put it back and continued my search. Nothing about Maggie was in the box. I was just about to start yelling at Elizabeth when I spotted something. A little tab at the top, revealing a compartment in the lid.

So many things I'd blocked out over the years, missed as a child...

I pulled the tab, cringing when it came popping out of the lid roughly, and then eased it the rest of the way down. One single picture sat inside of a tow-headed newborn with a stupid fucking headband on her head and a frilly, yellow dress on, a caption scrawled across the back.

_Margaret Grace Masen_

_July 31st, 1990_

_Always loved_

_Always remembered_

* * *

><p><strong>Please go vote for my lovely stephk0525's fic over at The Lemonade Stand. She's up for Fic of the Week, and totally deserves it! And if you're not reading it... Then I ask why not? Hello. Spinward. NOMS.<strong>

**www. tehlemonadestand. blogspot. com**


	37. Chapter 37

**Here's one big review reply for you all: I, apparently, am an over-thinking dumbass and should not have been worried when I posted 36.**

**I love every last one of you for pointing it out.**

**Thank you for all the feedback on it. It meant a lot to me. Thanks to Stratan for the beta work; stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for the prereading. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 37<p>

**Bella**

The lobby of the hotel was busy with people milling about, making it nearly impossible to see the entrance clearly. Signs posting details and directions for a conference were scattered around, and there was luggage sitting all over the place. I searched for a place to sit and came up empty, and for just one split second, I wished I'd have waited to come down.

But that was impossible. Being inside that room alone, with nothing but the TV for noise, and knowing Edward would be here in a matter of minutes made me entirely too anxious. I couldn't sit still, felt my palms sweat. Even my denervated heart was accelerated thanks to all the adrenaline in my system.

The worst part about it, though, was the knowing that Elizabeth was coming with him. That he'd wanted me to meet her.

I couldn't understand _why_. Why, after everything, he was letting her see anything of his life.

I took a deep breath and tried to quell my thoughts. He'd explain when he got here.

So I'd just have to wait.

Waiting, however, was not my strong suit.

I slumped against the wall, keeping my eyes trained on the doors. People, in and out. In and out. Not one of them were recognizable, not one of them who I was looking for. It was maddening, the waiting, and I bounced my foot against the floor in an effort not to scream out in frustration.

And then finally, he walked through the door.

I jumped up and rushed toward him, this little bubble of feeling that had been lodged in my chest expanding and expanding until I couldn't breathe. No one else mattered; the rest of the world faded away. He was all I could see.

He saw me moving toward him and smiled. That smile was more reassuring than anything I could have ever imagined. It let me know he was, in fact, fine. And that he was just as happy to see me as I was him.

I threw myself at him and listened to his chuckle sound against my ear. I sobbed, clung tighter. He enveloped me in his arms and murmured something indiscernible in the hum of the crowd.

"You didn't see anyone?" I managed against his skin.

"No, baby, it was all kind of..." His shoulder jerked up once beneath me. "I don't know. Anticlimactic?"

I shook my head. "No. It was what you needed. Anything more and I'd probably be meeting back up with you at the hospital when they admitted you to the psych ward."

He laughed once. "Dr. Banner was right, though. It was rough, but I needed to do it alone. I needed to see it for what it was."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I know the truth now."

"Which is?"

He moved to set me down, taking his thumbs and swiping them across my tear-stained cheeks. It was then I saw the redhead standing next to him.

She was little. Alice-like little. Her hair was curly, trapped in a messy bun at the nape of her neck. It was brighter than Edward's, but still somehow looked the same. Not a freckle spotted her skin, and I realized that she'd probably been unimaginably gorgeous at one point in time.

Now she just seemed so average.

Watery green eyes flickered between us, and as Edward's fingers intertwined with mine, she made a face, an expression I'd seen Maggie make before in one of the Carrs' home movies. In a blink it was gone, contorted with something else as her eyes dropped to my chest.

I curled against Edward, instinctively feeling like I needed to hide the evidence from her, his words echoing in my mind.

_She knows._

Her breath hitched and she took a step forward. Pressed against Edward now, I watched her in near panic. I didn't know anything about this woman, and what I did, wasn't good.

To be honest I was pretty terrified of her.

Then she reached out, her cool, dry hand cupping my jaw, causing my already pounding heart to stutter. She seemed ready to burst into tears, but kept a tight leash on her emotions, and I was immediately reminded of Edward, though he was so much better at hiding the turmoil inside him.

One rogue tear fell and that was all.

"You're beautiful," she said, shocking me to the point that I felt frozen in place.

Hearing her voice was like sitting in front of the TV and watching Maggie all over again. No wonder Edward had had such a strong reaction the first time he'd heard Maggie speak.

It was nearly identical.

"I'm glad you uh..."

She dropped her hand, and my head cocked to the side in consideration. Maybe Edward was more like his mother than he'd realized. Maybe he'd gotten nothing but good from her.

Edward shifted next to me, taking his free hand and running it through his hair. "We should probably go..." His eyes darted around and I almost laughed at how adorably awkward he was all of a sudden. How awkward they _both _were.

Genes were such funny things.

"The restaurant?" I asked and pointed in its direction. My eyes landed on Elizabeth. "Would you want to eat something?"

She seemed surprised that I was addressing her. After a moment's hesitation, she nodded and gave me a small smile. "I could eat."

We were seated at a booth along the side. Edward and I took one seat; Elizabeth sat in the other. I glanced around and frowned, abruptly realizing that it was just the three of us.

"Where are Emmett and Jasper?"

"Upstairs. They didn't want to intrude."

"They wouldn't intrude."

He shrugged. "I'm kind of glad to be honest. To have them see all that shit..." His eyes slid to Elizabeth and back again. "I'm not sure how I feel about it still, I guess."

"Who..." Elizabeth brought her water up to her lips, took a small sip, and tried again. "Who are they to you, exactly?"

"My brothers," Edward answered.

Her brows lifted and she nodded. "That's... that's good."

She brought her hands off the table, and I watched them shake as they disappeared from sight. I stared at her, trying to picture her doing drugs and needing a... What would Edward call it?

_A fix._

But I couldn't. She didn't seem the druggy type. Which was so confusing.

Her hands came up once more, and she started playing with her napkin. My jaw came unhinged.

She was scared.

"What um..." I cleared my throat and tried to find a way to fill the strange silence around us. "Is there anything you want me to tell you?"

She looked up at me then. "Anything you feel comfortable telling me."

I turned to Edward to figure out where to begin.

He was useless, his face unreadable.

"Well, let's start with something easy," I offered. "I've been dating Edward since September."

"May."

My head snapped in his direction again. "You can't count that."

"Did you see anyone else? Because I sure as fuck didn't."

"Well, no, but you didn't want anything to do with me."

"Think of it as one big, drawn out fight."

The playfulness of his voice had me giggling, and I could see that even Elizabeth was entertained with us.

So maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Where do you go to school at?" Elizabeth asked me. Edward. I had no idea.

"We can tell her this kind of stuff, right?"

Edward scrutinized her face for a moment. "Yeah. We can."

I sighed in relief, feeling like the proverbial ice was finally broken.

"We both go to the University of Washington. It's in Seattle."

"What are your majors?" she asked eagerly.

And so our late lunch went. Elizabeth ate, asked questions, learned things about us and our lives together that I thought neither of us would ever tell her. She asked about the Cullens, my family. Edward eventually seemed to want to know a few things about her too, like what she'd done after rehab - hello, shocked again - and a few other details about her life after. I could sense he wanted to know more, but didn't know where to begin. Or maybe he was talking himself out of it. It seemed that he'd accepted whatever Elizabeth had told him earlier but wasn't making a great effort to keep her in his life.

Which, I hated to admit, I was happy about. I was so worried she'd hurt him again...

"Why do you still live in that apartment?" Edward asked abruptly. "I mean, if you went to school, why are you there of all places...? _Waitressing?_"

He huffed in annoyance with himself, so I reached out and ran my hand over his thigh.

His eyes met mine and he smiled warmly.

"Let me rephrase that. You have a house from when you were married to my father still in your name," he said, leaning forward. "Which I don't think I want the backstory on, to be honest. But that's... digression. You're a recovering addict and you live in_ that _apartment complex with _those_ people. I don't get it."

"I..." She trailed off and looked away again. Her breath came out in a rush, and she slumped forward a little. "I was waiting for you."

_Whoa._

Edward straightened up and stared at her for enough time that I started to fidget.

"Why?" he demanded harshly.

"I don't know," she responded timidly. "I knew you wouldn't want me to... But I couldn't go. I just couldn't."

"And now?"

She shrugged.

"I think you should," I interjected. "Be happy."

Edward looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

It was possible that I had, but she just seemed so... nonthreatening. And if I was fitting the pieces of the puzzle together correctly, she'd left Edward to better herself. Not abandon him as it was so widely assumed.

"I think I might," she answered hesitantly. "I've always loved the lake house, and I have some money saved up to fix it up a little. I could move there, I guess."

She stared at Edward, waiting for a response.

"It's your house," he finally said. "You do what you want with it."

I couldn't tell, but she seemed... _disappointed _with that answer.

"I've gotta piss," he mumbled in my ear randomly.

I nodded and watched him disappear down a hallway across the lobby. When I was sure I had a good two or three minutes alone with Elizabeth, I turned back toward her.

"What exactly is it you want from him?"

She blinked a few times. "Nothing."

"It's not 'nothing'. I see the way you're looking at him, and I... I don't want to be rude, but you don't know how he was when we first met. How... _angry _he was all of the time. He had this guard up to keep people away. He barely trusted his family with the details of what happened before he was adopted, refused to have anything to do with me because I was linked to his past through Maggie..."

I stopped to take a sip of water, much like she had done earlier. It was the only thing I could think of to keep myself from lashing out at her. All I wanted to do was protect Edward from this.

It was no wonder Dr. Banner had suggested I hang back.

"I understand that what you did wasn't intentional. But the damage is done. It's something he struggles with every day. I'm not going to let you screw him up again with some dream of a reunion."

"I don't dream of a reunion," she replied, and I cocked my brow in disbelief. "I don't. But he's my son. I just want to make sure he's okay before he walks out of my life again, even though I don't have the right-"

"You don't have the right," I agreed. "Not after everything you put him through."

She looked ready to cry, so of course I had to qualify my statement. God forbid I hurt anyone's feelings.

"He's fine, though. More than fine, really. It's like..." I grimaced at the thought of Edward hearing what I was about to say, but said it anyway. "I am who I am because of everything that happened to me. The same goes for Edward, his life in Chicago."

I glanced over at the lobby again, knowing my time was short.

"Maggie too," I continued. "And you know what's crazy about them? They didn't know each other or have anything remotely similar to the same life growing up. Yet still, they both wound up being two of the most amazing people I've ever been in contact with.

"Edward has this theory about genetics and the effects they have on a person. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally, even. In all the time I've known him, he's always focused on the negatives and never once seen the positives. I see the positives, though. I see every attribute he shares with Maggie. They're both kind, loyal, caring. Edward loves so fiercely, Elizabeth. Maybe it's because he knows what it's like to have no one and doesn't take us for granted. But maybe, just maybe, it's something else, too. Maybe it has to do with you and their father and what they inherited from you. Something that is bone deep and can't be explained any other way than they were simply born like that. Because how else do you explain how similar Edward is to a sister he never knew?"

"You can't," Edward said from behind me, and I jumped at being caught.

I gazed up at him sheepishly and felt a blush rise to my cheeks. "Sorry."

He shook his head and sat down, keeping his eyes locked on the table. And I started to worry. I couldn't tell if I'd crossed some kind of line and angered him or if he was just trying to process it all.

Finally, his gaze found mine, and a smile quirked at his lips. "I love you, you know. And all your idiotic theories."

"They're only idiotic because you refuse to believe them. Which is exactly what I was explaining to her."

He shrugged, his eyes alight with amusement. "Who knows, Bella? Maybe one of these days I will."

* * *

><p>We stood outside the hotel waiting for a cab to take Elizabeth back home. Edward was acting strange, bristling at the slightest comment, tensing when a stranger got too close to him. He latched onto me, dug his fingers into my hip, and I knew something was bothering him. It was more than just the stress of speaking to his mother for the first time in years.<p>

With a quick glance over at Elizabeth, I pulled him aside.

"What's going on with you? You're..." I gestured wildly to his whole being, his demeanor. "You're acting funny."

"How am I supposed to fucking act?" he retorted, his nostrils flaring angrily.

I simply stared back at him.

And he caved.

"Fuck me," he muttered, and pulled at his hair. "I don't know what's going on with me. She's... she's leaving, and I should be happy. I _am _happy, but-"

"Do you want to have some kind of relationship with her?"

"No," he answered immediately, and then cringed. "I don't know. That's just it; I don't fucking know."

I sighed and reached up to trail my fingers along the length of his jaw. He closed his eyes and murmured something under his breath, looking more relaxed than I'd seen him in a while.

"You're not ready," I said knowingly.

He shook his head once.

"But you want to be."

"I can't leave her alone. Not when it was all- When I was so _wrong _about everything," he choked out.

"But she was wrong, too," I reminded him. Not to discourage him. To find out exactly what it was he expected to get out of this.

"And that's the fucking problem," he growled. "As much as I want to, I can't get over it. But I just keep thinking... What if something happens to her? She's sick. She's-"

"What?" I asked because he'd never really gotten to explain anything to me yet.

"I think she's bipolar."

I didn't respond. Couldn't, really.

"I didn't ask. I didn't know how... No, I didn't _need _to ask. With everything I've learned since coming to live with Carlisle and Esme, it wasn't necessary. I see the signs. The manic episodes, the depression. She self-medicated for a long time and was even misdiagnosed with postpartum depression after Maggie was born."

My breath came out sharply, and I blinked in bewilderment. Edward and Maggie's separation made so much more sense now.

"Wow."

"I don't know what to do," he moaned. "If she does something to herself or relapses because I came back and-"

"Shh," I soothed, pressing my hand against his lips. "She'll be okay."

Because I'd make sure of it.

Edward seemed ready to argue again, but a cab pulled up and stopped just in front of the entrance. We rushed over to where Elizabeth stood nervously in an effort to find some way to say goodbye.

At a loss, Edward hurried over to the cabbie to pay for Elizabeth's fare.

It was my one shot at helping him say what I knew he couldn't yet.

"He doesn't hate you," I murmured, watching Elizabeth's eyes pop with shock. "He's not entirely sure what he feels yet. But he's... I mean-"

I broke off in frustration and yanked a receipt and a pen out of my purse, jotting down my email address and thrusting it at Elizabeth before Edward could see me.

"Keep in touch. I can't guarantee anything, but I know he's terrified of something happening to you."

"Why?" she breathed. Her hand trembled as she shoved my information down into her pocket.

"Because you're his family."

"I'm not."

"No, you are. In some weird way, he still considers you his family. Esme will be what you never were - his mom. She'll always be that for him, even if he lets you back into his life a little. She took him in and loved him when he was at his lowest. She's nurturing and patient and..." I saw Elizabeth's distress and quickly changed topics. "Well, anyway. He has parents. But he has a history with you. It's not easily erased."

"He said you hated me." She glanced around, trying to figure this all out.

"I'm not your biggest fan," I admitted, "but it doesn't matter what I think. This trip is about Edward and what he needs. Apparently, he needs to know you're not going to do something stupid after this."

She paled, finally understanding my meaning. "He never asked-"

I didn't bother hiding my exasperation. "Elizabeth, he's one of the top students in his class. He didn't need to."

Her mouth made a little round 'o' of understanding.

"Just promise me you'll get a hold of me if anything..." I didn't know how to finish that sentence. I knew there were so many variations of this disease, but didn't want to come right out and say "episode" in case that wasn't acceptable or relevant terminology.

Her head bobbed, and she swallowed hard. "I will."

"Or if you want to know more about Maggie," I rushed out. I would do that. Give her information about her daughter, if she wanted it.

After all, giving Maggie's biological family peace had been what started this whole thing in the first place.

And I felt like by doing so, I'd finally be fulfilling the purpose I'd sought so long and hard after.

xx

"You guys have any place you want to go before we leave?" Edward asked us, and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Emmett, Jasper, and I all looked between each other.

"No," we answered.

He huffed out a breath. "There's somewhere else I should... Before... And I can't... Yeah," he cleared his throat, "there's no way I can be alone while I'm there."

I had a feeling that I already knew where he wanted to go.

"Edward..."

"He's not here, Bella," he replied quietly.

"How do you know?"

"I asked Elizabeth. He's gone. Left for Vegas or something and never came back."

"He moved there?"

"Better business. Stupider people. I don't know."

"Wha-?"

"Does it matter?" he snapped.

I pursed my lips, and watched him frown. He was nervous again.

We silently piled into the car and started away from the hotel until we were far enough away that I couldn't recognize anything. We were close to where he'd taken me before; that much I knew. But somehow, the neighborhood seemed worse. Oppressive. Like it could easily suck the life out of you if you let it.

And I supposed it did. Many times before.

Edward surprised me and parked on the street, locking up behind us when we'd all gotten out. But then he walked to the mouth of an alley just beside a convenience store and stopped, and I knew I'd been right all along.

We were standing just feet away from where he'd been shot.

"Oh, shit," Emmett cursed lowly and glanced over at Jasper.

Ignoring them, I rushed over to where he stood and put my hand on his arm. He jerked back, wheeling around on me in panic, and then realized it was me and calmed down.

"Baby, don't. It's not worth it."

He didn't listen.

He took a few steps into the shadows and stared at one, specific spot on cracked pavement. There was a door in front of it, and a dumpster to the side.

My chest ached, and I felt nauseous.

"I saw James - I think that was his name - first," he said hoarsely. "Knew he was a dealer just by looking at him. And I'd had a shitty night. Cops had been everywhere, and I hadn't gotten much sleep. The sleep I did get kept getting interrupted by... So he led me out of sight to make the deal. I didn't have much cash, but I had enough. Some girl had uh- She'd-"

"Skip over it if you need to," I whispered.

He nodded. "I was fucking desperate to feel numb again. I hadn't seen Grayson or anyone in a while... It all made me cocky and stupid. Gave me this false sense of security or whatever. I didn't put two and two together until it was too late. Until I'd heard the shot."

"Oh, God, Edward-"

"James was one of Aro's new guys. Aro was keeping watch over him and saw me, got out, and-"

He made this heartbreaking sound, and all three of us were hovering over him instantly.

"I understand why he did it from a logical standpoint. He had a business - himself - to protect. But I was just a kid. I was nothing. I never once said a word about what I knew to anyone, not even in the hospital. The police would ask me over and over again, and I'd just lie and say I never saw him."

"Why?" Jasper enquired carefully. "Why didn't you press charges? Let Mom and Dad protect you from him?"

"I was scared out of my mind. And Aro's connections run deep. Who's to say he wouldn't have someone else finish the job from in jail?" He let out a shuddering breath. "It was better this way. Maybe not justified, but better. For as much as I wanted to die sometimes, I know I wouldn't be here now if I'd let Mom do what she did for you, Jazz. I'd be gone before I ever learned anything about myself or had Bella or felt what it's like to be happy."

He pulled away from us and moved to the spot, his head bent down, a blank look on his face. His eyes were glazed over and I knew that whatever was going on inside him was too much for him to handle.

"We need to get him home, you guys," I murmured. "Now."

* * *

><p>I stood at the window in the Cullen's kitchen and stared off into the woods. Edward had gone outside a while ago, and had yet to return. A warm hand came up and, in a soothing gesture, rubbed at the back of my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed, and then turned around to see Carlisle gazing outside along with me.<p>

"How is he?"

I shrugged. "He's been gone for a while."

He nodded. "I expected that."

"You did?"

He smiled at me. "Sure. He used to do this all the time when he first moved in with us: walk out in the woods and think. Sometimes, he'd ride his bike all the way down to Third Beach and walk the trail to the falls."

"He never told me that."

His smile widened. "But he took you there, didn't he?"

I nodded.

"I used to take him there, too. I hoped it would be like a father-son bonding trip. Like some dads take their sons fishing."

I made a face. "Edward is too impatient for fishing."

He chuckled. "That he is."

"It worked, though," I said to him. "He loves you guys."

"It's been hard for us. Rewarding, but hard."

"How do you mean?" I asked in confusion.

"He didn't feel that way about us for a long time. He... tolerated us. He was the most difficult of all three boys, but I guess that's why he was last. Esme and I had perfected the art of patience by the time we found him. We knew eventually he'd be okay. It took him finding you to do it, but still... We knew."

"I told Elizabeth that you and Esme were his parents." His brows shot up with surprise. "That even though she was technically family and he cared about her in some way, you two were better for him than she could have ever been. Sick or not."

"Thank you," he responded emphatically. "We tried to give him the best and show him what he could achieve. He might have kept us in the dark about what happened to him for far too long, but we believed in him. We always did."

"He's lucky to have you guys. I don't think I've told you that, have I? I told Edward once, but not you," I thought out loud.

"He's lucky to have you too, you know," Carlisle said warmly. "We all are."

I ducked my head and tried not to blush with that.

"Have you checked the garage lately?"

"No, why?"

"Just a feeling," he said wryly.

"You think he left?"

"If I know my son at all, yes," he answered.

I stared blankly at the garage door for a while, and then realized what he meant.

"The falls," I breathed.

"Weather's been mild this year. It's probably pretty muddy out, but not impassable."

I glanced down wildly at my clothes. "I don't- I can't-"

"Esme has a pair of boots you could wear in the mudroom. And you can take my car. There's a jacket in the backseat if you need it."

I bolted out of the room, snatching up Esme's boots on my way out the door. I stepped inside the garage and saw Edward's car missing, just like Carlisle had said, and rushed over to the black Mercedes sitting on the far end.

I opened the door and heard the telltale sound of the keys in the ignition. And without another thought, I was gone.

The drive was short - Carlisle's car handled amazingly - and the second I spotted Edward's Volvo parked at the trailhead, I rejoiced.

Loudly.

I grabbed the jacket in the back and threw it on before rushing up the trail. It was muddy, and my feet kept sticking and sliding on the slippery surface, but I never stopped. Not once. Not even when I was panting and gasping for air and in need of a quick rest.

I was too close to him to stop now.

And then, finally, I was there.

He was sitting motionless on the fallen tree. Our tree. The one where we'd shared our first, real conversation. The one where I first got the thrill of having his skin on mine. The sound of the waterfall brought my gaze up, and I was staring at the spot where I'd fallen, where he'd admitted that he had feelings for me.

The beginning.

Back down to him again, I found him staring at me now. His eyes were intense and longing, and so many emotions flickered over his face.

I took a step forward, unable to hold back my smile. "Hi," I shouted out.

His mouth quirked; his elbows never moved from his knees. "Hi."

"Lost in thought?" I asked.

"You could say that."

I took a few more steps toward him. "I think I want a Mercedes."

His brow furrowed, and he shook his head._ "What?"_

"A Mercedes. Whatever the model is Carlisle drives. It's... awesome," I finished lamely.

But I was still beaming.

He laughed and gestured for me to close the remaining distance between us. "Then I'll buy you a Mercedes."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he confirmed, snaking his hands around my waist the second I was close enough. "I'll buy you anything you want."

"Can you buy me back my boyfriend?" I asked him. I let my hands move up his arms until they were framing his face. "I miss him."

"Already?"

"I missed him the second he disappeared."

He sighed. "He's still here. He's just..."

"Adjusting."

"Yeah."

"It's a lot to take in."

He nodded.

"But you did great, you know. No one thought you couldn't handle it, but... Baby, you still surprised us all."

"And yet I'm sitting here like I did when I was a kid," he muttered.

"Maybe this place is just a part of you now. It's where you learned to trust your father."

"It's where I found you."

"You found me in the garage," I teased. "Don't lie."

"I found you here," he said vehemently. "When you fell. When the thought of not having you- Because before I'd been denying how I felt for you, and after... God, all I wanted was to figure out how to fucking touch you and hold you and be something for you."

"You did. You are. I know you say this about me a lot, but I don't think you realize how much it applies to you, too."

"What's that?" he interjected.

"You're everything for me, Edward. Good, bad... full of life and history and flaws. _Everything_."

"Bella," he groaned.

He dropped his head until his forehead was pressed against my sternum. A shudder passed through him, and his hands tightened their grip on me.

"Thank you," he rasped into my chest, "for always pushing me. Believing in me."

"We all did, baby."

"I know, and I-" He inhaled shakily. "I'm so fucking- To think of how I could have wound up..."

"Then don't think about it anymore. You've lived too much of your life in the past already."

I waited until he was looking up at me to finish. His eyes glimmered, and I knew it was taking every ounce of willpower he had not to break down in front of me.

And he thought he was weak...

"It's time to move on."


	38. Chapter 38

**Thank you all for the reviews, PMs, alert/fave adds, and everything else there is possible for this fic. I am so grateful for it all. I can't even tell you.**

**Thank you to Stratan for beta'ing and making me laugh this morning with his email, and thank you to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for keeping me from hanging myself during some of the more difficult to write chapters. I love you guys so!**

**Two days until the Vegas TwiFic Meetup. If you're going, I'll see you there. I'm so excited to meet everyone!**

**..**

**This is the final chapter. Only the epilogue is left. Tissue warning, cause some of you guys may need it.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 38<p>

**Edward**

**6 months later**

Boxes.

Everywhere.

They were equal parts infuriating and electrifying. They signified everything I'd worked so hard for, how far I'd come from the pissed off asshole I was when I'd first laid eyes on Bella. How terrified I was of having this, of fucking it up.

And I would fuck it up. I _had _fucked it up. But it didn't matter anymore, because every last guy I knew of had done exactly the same thing at least one time in his life.

For what seemed like the first time ever, I was the definition of normal.

I rammed my toe into a large box - full of pots and pans, of course - and bellowed out a "fuck" as pain shot up my leg. This was why they were so infuriating. They were in every room, consuming the once stark apartment. They were the most prominent of all the evidence of my change.

And, even as I had my jaw clenched against the throb in my foot, that evidence made it good. So fucking good.

I just wished they'd all be emptied, broken down, and hauled off already. I wasn't used to clutter. And like everything else involving Bella Swan's entrance into my life, _clutter _was going to be something I had to get used to.

Bella came flying into the room, her arms full of... I didn't know what... and looked on at the sight of me hopping around in amusement.

"You okay?"

"Fucking box broke my toe."

"It's not broken."

"Feels like it," I muttered. I wiggled it and winced.

Should have kept my goddamned shoes on.

She laughed. "I'll have the kitchen done tonight."

"Thank Christ."

She started back out of the room, only to stop and spin around. "Hey, Edward?"

I glanced up at her.

"You could act happier, you know."

And before I could reply, she'd left the room.

"_Fuck."_

I rushed after her, ignoring the hordes of people that had invaded my apartment for this move, and caught up to her in my - no, _our _- bedroom.

"You know I'm happy," I said lowly.

She didn't bother looking at me; instead, she jerked drawers out of the dresser and slid the linens inside.

"Well, why are you being like this? You've been a dick since we all got here this morning."

"It's just a big change. Another big fucking change in a long line of shit I've dealt with this year. I'm exhausted; my nerves are shot."

She stopped what she was doing and slowly turned to face me. Her teeth worried her lip for a moment, and then she said, "Do you think you made a mistake by asking me to move in?"

I shifted, felt what was inside my pocket. Another box of sorts. One I'd gotten when we'd returned from Chicago. One I'd kept under lock and key, waiting for just that perfect time to pull it out.

Something Esme and I had spent hours considering over.

Something I still considered over.

"No," I answered, because that box pressing into my thigh was exactly the confirmation I needed. Never would I have bought it if there'd been any doubt on my end.

It was Bella's opinion that kept me silent, and the terror of doing something too big, too soon. She was just days shy of turning twenty-one. From finally being legal in every way, but because of her heart she'd never get to take part in any of it.

God help me if I ever made her feel trapped, like she didn't do everything she wanted in this second chance she'd been given.

"I want you, Bella. Every day. I want to wake up with you curled up next to me and fight over whose turn it is to do the dishes or take out the trash... I want all that, baby."

And so much more.

The words were on the tip of my tongue, and my hand twitched at my side, desperate to pull out the diamond ring I'd spent the majority of my savings on and just fucking ask.

_Take the leap, dick. Do it. You'll never want anyone else for as long as you live._

But I couldn't. Not with our entire family on the other side of this wall. Not with all the stress she'd put herself under to make sure our shit was organized and perfect and combined. Not with my second year of med school underway, and years of training still ahead of me after I graduated.

I'd lost my fucking mind the day I went out and bought this thing.

"I do too," she said softly, a smile pulling at her lips. Then she glanced around, and the smile gave way to panic. "It doesn't look like we've done anything yet!"

"Tell me what you want me to do next. You've got Alice and everyone else getting the furniture," _our furniture_, "set up out there. They don't need me for that."

"Um... Okay, can you unpack my clothes? Most of my stuff is still on hangers, so it shouldn't take too long."

I nodded and went to work, catching Bella to give her a kiss just as she went to leave the room and start on something else.

"You're never going to ask her, are you?"

I sighed and glowered over at Rosalie. "I'm not asking with you all here."

"Excuses, excuses," she chided.

"Rose-"

"What are you waiting for?"

"I don't- Fuck, the right time, I guess?"

"And that's defined by what?"

I growled under my breath. "I don't know. I... What if she doesn't want to?"

She laughed. "Please. Like she's going to turn you down."

"No, that's not it." I huffed, struggling for a way to explain what I was thinking. "She's gone through so much, and she's only twenty. What if she says yes, and then ten years later regrets it because she didn't get to do everything she wanted."

"Like what?"

"See the world or whatever else she dreams of that she's not told me yet."

"Why can't she do it with you?"

"Rose, I'm in med school. My entire life is mapped out and centered around a hospital."

Those violet eyes rolled.

"I don't want her to feel like she's trapped."

More laughter. "Edward, I get that you're scared, but come on. Bella wouldn't be caught dead fulfilling any kind of dream without you."

I pondered that. "You think?"

"Well, turn the tables. Would you?"

"Hell no."

"Then there's your answer. Married or not, you two are still going to be together when she's out seeing the world. Might as well stop stressing yourself out and put the ring on her finger. You can have a long engagement, if you want."

"Long engagement..." I murmured.

Trouble was, I didn't know how possible that could be. I mean, the second I slid that ring on her finger I was going to want to drag her down the aisle and over to the fucking Social Security office to change her name.

Mark her as mine for all the universe to see.

Son of a bitch, when did I get so possessive?

"Yes, long engagement," Rosalie repeated. "You don't have to do it now or even in the next five years if you don't want."

I didn't answer. I was too busy trying to figure out what the fuck it _was_ that I wanted.

She started to leave, but then abruptly spun around with a grin. "By the way, I think I'm pregnant."

I just blinked at her, causing more laughter to fill the room.

"Emmett doesn't know yet, so keep it to yourself."

"What? Why the fuck-?"

"I just thought I'd give you something else to think about for a while. Seems like you needed it."

I snapped my jaw shut and went back to opening boxes.

The second she was out of sight, though, I collapsed against the wall and tried to keep air coming into my lungs.

More change. But this time... I didn't want to be responsible for fucking some kid's life up in some way. And with my history, it was almost guaranteed.

Maybe I'd just stay as far away from the thing as I could. Try to get matched up with some hospital on the east coast or something.

Lots of kids had relatives they didn't see very often due to geography, so it could work.

And then something struck me, and my blood ran cold.

One of these days, there'd be no running from it.

One of these days, it would be _me_.

xx

I fell through the door, Ben hot on my heels, and found Bella sitting in the living room. She giggled at something Ben's girlfriend said, and then realized we'd gotten home. Her smile brightened, eyes shone, as she gazed up at me.

Emotion rushed through me, piercing me, and I had to take a breath to steady myself against it.

I got to come home to this every single fucking day now.

Rushing so that I could touch her, I plopped down on the couch next to her and made her body do a little bounce in my haste.

My eyes went straight to her tits.

"I fucking missed you."

I heard the slur of my words and scowled. I glanced over at Ben and found him wrapped around Angela; he didn't seem wasted like me.

"Maybe that last tequila shot was a bad idea."

Bella laughed and cradled my face in her hands. I knew she enjoyed seeing how I'd lightened up in the last few months. I still didn't drink much - it just wasn't my thing - but on occasion, I'd let Ben or Jasper talk me into heading over to the bar down the street for a couple of beers. It was usually pretty quiet, save for one occasion, and I'd managed to last long enough that my panic didn't seem obvious before bailing.

Every day was a work in progress. And that was okay. I knew how far I'd come already and knew it was just a matter of time before I was able to push through that, too.

"Edward Cullen, are you drunk?" she teased.

"I might be a little," I admitted. And then I dragged my hand through my hair and looked at her sheepishly. "Not really sure what happened, to be honest."

"You had fun. That's what happened."

Her voice was reassuring, supportive. I grinned at her - well, more like leered since alcohol tended to make me a horny fucking bastard - and leaned down to press a kiss to her lips. Soft and smooth, pliant against mine, she opened her mouth to me and breathed out a contented sigh when I deepened the kiss.

Ben and Angela needed to get the fuck out. Right now.

Taking the hint, Ben pulled Angela up from the couch and started toward the door. "Gonna go crash, Cullen. I'll see ya later."

"Later," I called out against Bella's mouth, unconcerned with whether or not they made it out the door.

"Are they gone?"

I glanced over her shoulder and found that we were all alone.

Fuck, yes.

I nodded and attacked her again, lying her down on the couch and sneaking my hand up under her shirt. My fingers skimmed over her scar, and something inside me squeezed at my heart, burned in my belly.

I abruptly stopped my ministrations and pulled away.

"Bella."

"What?"

"I..." I stared over at the TV for a second to try to figure out what the hell had just happened. "I want to see her."

She didn't answer. Her silence had me turning back to her, watching her face contort with confusion as she tried to figure out what I meant.

"Maggie," I whispered. "Bella, I want to go see her."

"When?"

"As soon as we can. Before we get tied down with exams and shit."

She nodded, and I felt a tug in my chest. Not like the other times, when I was being led by some strange gut instinct. This was a sense of anxiousness, excitement. I wanted to see where my sister was buried, see more of her life. I wanted to find a connection with the girl I'd never gotten to know, the girl who'd given the most important person of my existence.

I wanted to know her, finally, in the only way that I could.

"How about I call the Carrs and see if they'd mind us coming down next weekend?"

The excitement grew.

"Thank you, baby."

xx

The Carrs' house was up on a small hill, red bricked and sprawled out at the top. The landscaping was immaculately trimmed and laid out; there was even a little rock that had their name engraved on it just to the left of the driveway. I parked on the road in case Maggie's father needed to leave before us and walked the length of the yard with Bella's hand in mine.

That feeling grew stronger in my chest, and I couldn't tell if I wanted to burst into laughter or turn around and put enough distance between me and this house so it was gone.

But ready or not, I wasn't going back. Not until I got whatever it was I needed out of this trip.

There was no doorbell, so Bella knocked and took a step back, bringing me right along with her. At this point, I was more than willing to give Bella the lead. Even though she'd always said the Carrs were amazing people, I'd never met them and didn't know what to expect or how they'd react to me being on their porch.

Then I reminded myself that Bella had told them why she was coming and who she was bringing with her. I was being stupid.

Like usual.

Mrs. Carr didn't take long to answer. She stepped outside and smiled at Bella, bringing her into her arms for a hug almost immediately. I was shocked at how tall she was, how pretty. She was talking a mile a minute when she pulled away, and pushed her black hair behind her ears. She said something about how happy she was to see us and how good Bella looked. She asked about school, and I stood there awkwardly and thought that maybe I should just go down to the rental car and wait.

She wouldn't miss me at all. Neither of them would.

Except the second Mrs. Carr turned to me, put those blue eyes on me, I was enraptured. She was so bright and full of life. I could see that she was sizing me up a little, but because of the warm smile on her face, it didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It just was.

"You look like her," she finally said.

"No, uh... No, I don't."

She shook her head and moved toward me. Unthinkingly, I took a step back.

"You do," she insisted. "Your face is shaped the same, and you have the same coloring. I'm glad Bella found you."

I snuck a glance at Bella and found her watching us intently. I waited until her eyes met mine, and without breaking our gaze, I answered, "So am I."

Bella's cheeks flushed.

The ring weighed down my pocket once again.

"Come in," she said, motioning to the open door behind her. "I got lunch, if you're hungry."

"Oh, you didn't have to do that," Bella objected.

"Yes, I did. This is my daughter's brother. You think I'm letting him sit here hungry all afternoon?"

Bella giggled. "No, I guess you wouldn't."

We walked into the living room, and I glanced around. Hardwood floors, walls painted the color of butter. There was a brown leather sofa and recliner sitting in front of a massive television that hung on the wall.

It looked brand new and pretty fucking sweet.

Emmett would be green with envy.

"Sit. I'll get everything from the kitchen and be right back."

I followed Mrs. Carr's instructions and sat next to Bella on the sofa. Her leg brushed up against mine, and I relaxed a little.

Until I noticed what sat on the coffee table in front of us.

Thick, colorful journals, scrapbooks, and photo albums. Framed pictures, home videos, and certificates and placement ribbons - everything I could have wanted to know about Maggie's childhood sat right in front of me.

My hand trembled as I went to touch the journal on top; my brow furrowed when I opened it. It was one of the last of her life, written when she was starting school in Phoenix.

"Look at whatever you want," a deep voice said from a hallway leading to the rest of the house. "There's more in her old room, but it's boxed up."

"You guys finally..."

He nodded at Bella in response. I had a hard time looking away from him and putting my focus back on what they'd set out for me to see. This was Maggie's dad, the man who raised her. He probably taught her how to ride a bike and took her to the park and-

I cleared away the tightness in my throat and decided not to read the journal. Maybe it was too soon for me, or maybe it was just to give her some kind of privacy in death; I knew exactly how I'd feel if anyone I didn't know - blood relation or not - read mine. Whatever it was, I just couldn't do it. Something inside me wouldn't allow it.

I closed it and moved to the scrapbook instead.

It wasn't much better.

There was the picture of her riding her bike, pink plastic My Little Pony helmet and matching knee and elbow pads tightly secured to her little body. Her blonde hair stuck out of the bottom of the helmet, curling up over it, and a gap-toothed grin was stretched across her face. The caption below it confirmed what I'd already known, that it was her first bike ride through the neighborhood without training wheels.

She was six.

No one had taught me. I'd had to teach myself on a borrowed bike in the alley next to Elizabeth's apartment building before the other kids in my class figured out that I didn't know how.

I'd come home with so many bruises and scrapes that day.

Elizabeth hadn't noticed, and I'd had to bandage myself up.

But rather than the anger I was so used to feeling when I found out specifically how different our lives were, I just felt resigned on my part. There was nothing that could change my history.

And I was... _glad_ that Maggie didn't have to go through what I did. Her life was too short to have experienced all the pain I'd felt.

Mrs. Carr came back in the room carrying a tray full of lunch meat, cheese, croissants, and any kind of topping you could imagine for them. I didn't know why I was referring to her so formally, but the manners Carlisle and Esme - hell, the bedside manner the professors ingrained into us - made calling her "Siobhan" seem weird.

But really, it wasn't. This was my sister's mother, for all intents and purposes. She was, to Maggie, who Esme was to me. This woman, and the brown-haired man standing in the background, made her life good. Made her know happiness.

I cleared my throat again.

Steeled myself.

And set out to find all that I could about Maggie during the time I had here.

* * *

><p>Her room was hot pink. The furniture was still out, but the bedding and decorations were boxed up; a zebra print rug was between the bed and the dresser. It still faintly smelled like her, like flowers and girl. Similar to the way Bella smelled, but unique in its own way.<p>

And still, it managed to affect me just as profoundly.

I sat at the edge of the bed, a fleeting thought of how soft the mattress was, and pulled out my phone. Esme had basically demanded that this trip be different, that I'd give them updates on how I was doing while I was away.

Because before, Bella had been the one to do it. I'd been too wrapped up in myself to even consider it.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. I hadn't wanted to burden them with any of it, either.

While they were grateful to Bella for keeping their worries at bay, it wasn't the same. They wanted to be involved in my life.

They wanted me to let them in.

And fuck, if that wasn't the hardest part about all of this. I trusted them - implicitly - but I'd relied on only myself for so long that it was nearly impossible to share this kind of shit. I found that sometimes, rather than welcoming the support, I pushed it away.

But I was trying to change that.

I exhaled sharply and pulled up the contacts on my phone. Just as I was getting ready to dial my mother's number, Mrs. Carr came in.

The phone was set aside.

"I didn't realize you were in here," she said. She glanced around the room, and I could have sworn she grimaced.

It was gone too soon to be sure, though.

"I needed to call my parents. They uh... worry."

"All parents do."

I snorted. Not_ all _parents.

"Well," she reconsidered, "the good ones do."

"Like you."

She beamed with that. "Thank you. We tried. We tried to give her everything we could but teach her graciousness and responsibility at the same time. She was... She was our star. She really _shined_."

I nodded and wondered how Carlisle and Esme would describe me.

"So... med school, huh? Seems that you and Maggie are both just a little too smart for your own good."

"I don't know about all that, but yeah. Med school."

"Got any hospitals in mind you'd like to work at?"

"Nah. Well, I take that back. I mean, of course I do; we all do. But really, it just depends on Bella. I don't want to... take her away from everyone."

"You'd give up something that big for her?"

"I'd give up pretty much anything for her."

Her eyes widened.

I found myself scrambling to make her understand. "It's taken me a long time to come to terms with Bella's... mortality. I don't know how long I'll get to keep her. It could be a lifetime with all the advances in medicine and subsequent surgeries. It may only be a few years. I want to give her all I'm able to in that amount of time. I want to make sure her life is great every possible second that I can. If it takes a few concessions on my part, so be it."

"That..." She stopped, struggling not to cry. "That sounds exactly like something your sister would do."

Now it was my turn to be shocked.

She sniffled and moved closer to the door. "Well, I'll let you make your call. I think Bella wanted to watch a couple of the videos Liam got out from when Maggie was a kid. If you're up to it, that is."

I didn't know if I was actually up to it or not, but I still found myself nodding in agreement.

It was what I'd come here for.

xxxxx

_Under the shade of a tree in the backyard, the camera lens focused on two girls singing and dancing on the deck. You could barely hear them because of how far away they were, but if the case sitting beside Maggie's CD player gave any indication, you still knew exactly what they were singing and dancing to._

_Closer the camera came, until you could hear them clearly._

_The volume on the video camera was turned up; the picture tilted to the left and was then righted again._

"_You're all I ever wanted... You're all I ever needed... Yea-aah. So tell me what to do now... When I want. You. Ba-ack."_

_The camera shook with silent laughter as the girls sang as loud as they could in the hot August sun. Boy bands were everywhere, and it seemed that nine year olds weren't immune to their appeal. In fact, if you fast-forwarded the video, you'd see Maggie in front of the television trying to perfect the bands' dance moves; there was even the sound of her playing the melodies on her beloved piano when she thought no one was listening._

_The neighbor's daughter, Ally, attempted to do one of the dance moves she'd seen recently and fell, causing both girls to burst into a fit of giggles._

_The more they moved, the hotter they got, evident by the way their blonde hair clung to their skin, so the camera crept even closer, until each girl noticed they'd been spied on._

"_Erase it!" Maggie shrieked. "Daddy, erase it!"_

_Liam shook the camera like he was shaking his head. "No way. I need things to embarrass you with when you're older."_

_She jumped up and tried to pry it from his hands, green eyes flashing, laughing the entire time. "Please?" she begged._

_Liam bent down so that the camera was focused on a potted plant sitting in the corner. Ally's gangly legs came into view as she went to stand next to Maggie._

"_How about we go cool off?"_

_Silence._

"_Ice cream?" Maggie asked hopefully._

"_And swimming."_

_Both girls squealed in delight and took off into the house._

_Liam's laughter was the last thing the camera picked up before it was shut off._

xxxxx

It was warm. Hot, really. The light jackets we'd brought with us were left behind in the rental car. I glanced up at the sun, and took a deep breath.

Rows upon rows of graves were behind me. I turned around and studied a few of the larger ones closest to us. An angel. A obelisk. One with a cross. Past it was something that resembled a sarcophagus.

The mausoleum was nothing but an outline, the sun beating down on it in such a way that I couldn't make any of it out.

"I think Mrs. Carr said it was this way," Bella stated, pointing in the direction of the looming building ahead.

Of course it was.

I nodded, my jaw tight, and let her lead us down a narrow path. We wound through the graveyard, up a hill, and then veered off to a different path on the left.

Down the other side of the hill, and Bella slowed, her eyes darting around.

Shit, we were close.

I knew it was hers before I could read the name carved into the stone. The color, the no nonsense script, seemed to fit in with everything I'd been told. I stopped. Sucked in a breath of air.

Then I was silent.

Bella moved past me and walked beneath the large oak. She lifted her hand so slowly, and let it rest at the top. Fingers brushed down, over a music note engraved in the right hand corner, and it was like this tight chain of control I'd managed to have on my emotions during this trip was gone. Everything I'd been holding in for so many months came pouring out, and I was overwhelmed. Grieved.

"Hi, Maggie," Bella whispered, her voice thick with tears.

I fell apart.

I was still so far away from her, but couldn't seem to pick my feet up and close the distance between us. My knees had buckled, legs turned to jelly. I sat in the grass and ground my teeth together so I didn't sob like a fucking baby, though, God knew how much I wanted to.

A strangled sound still clawed its way from my chest, and then Bella was beside me again, sitting with me and letting her fingers drift up the fabric of my shirt. She drew small circles on my skin, and I closed my eyes, reveling in the contact, the way it made this ache inside me subside.

Nothing needed to be said, not that anything could be of this situation. She didn't expect an explanation of why I'd reacted the way I did. She was simply here for me.

As she always was.

The wind picked up; a couple leaves skittered across the paved path.

I sat still. Hoping, praying... trying to get my legs to cooperate. Somehow, I managed, and I crouched down next to the headstone. My eyes skimmed over the engravings. The dates, specifically. There was some kind of quote at the bottom, but despite how many times I read it, it wouldn't seem to commit to memory.

It didn't matter.

Bella hung back, giving me privacy and space. My hand shook as I went to touch the stone. It was cool against my palm. Smooth. My hold tightened, and I wanted to weep.

But still, I said nothing.

Time ceased.

And then a flash of something sent me reeling. Maggie, blonde ringlets curling around her chubby face, playing with a doll on the grass in the park just down the street from Elizabeth's apartment, the place she used to take me before. Before she got sicker. When it was still safe.

I'd sat right next to her and listened to her toddler babble while Elizabeth spoke to my father on a bench a few yards away.

The day they'd visited.

The only time I'd seen her after my father left.

I latched onto the memory, closed my eyes, and whispered a fervent "thank you" into the wind. My chest ached, and my eyes stung. I didn't try to question why I'd finally remembered something here. All the therapy sessions, journal writing, talking with Bella...

It took me getting close to Maggie again for it to happen.

I stood up and glanced over at Bella. The breeze ruffled her hair, and with all the death - all the _sorrow_ - surrounding us, seeing her gave me hope. For a future. For a life.

Our life. Our future.

I'd been a blind idiot until now. It didn't make a difference how or when I proposed, or if I even proposed at all. We were right when we were_ together_.

I came back to her and reached for her hand. I pulled her close to me, breathed her in, and murmured, "I love you. More than you will ever know."

Her response was immediate. Instinctive. "I love you."

The words were out before I could stop them.

"Marry me."

I almost laughed at the way she jerked back in shock.

I reached into my pocket, bringing up the platinum diamond ring between us. I held it in between my thumb and index finger, flipping it one way, and then the next. It caught the sun and sparkled, sending beams of light across our skin.

"Edward, when did you...?"

"Right after Chicago. And this wasn't how I wanted to fucking do it, but something... I don't know. I couldn't wait any more."

"You had a plan?"

"Hell no," I scoffed. "When have I ever tried to plan anything?"

She laughed through her tears.

"Marry me," I repeated, pushing her hair away from her face with my other hand. "Someday, Bella, whenever we're ready."

She closed her hand over mine, over the ring, and gazed up at me.

I grinned. Our lips crashed together, impassioned, and I felt the curve of her smile against my own. A giggle escaped her.

_Until death do us part._

"Yes."

* * *

><p><strong>*peeks out from desk* So...?<strong>

**Ok, quick note regarding FFn pulling stuffs. I am leaving everything on this site. Period. The only way it'll be taken off is if FFn yanks it. However, I'm in the process of uploading Dear Maggie to AO3 (Archive of Our Own) and putting PDF links up on my blog for anything of mine that's already complete - this will include DM after it's finished next week.**

**You know. Just in case.**


	39. Epilogue

**Tissue warning. The good kind :)**

* * *

><p>Epilogue<p>

**Five years later**

**Bella**

_She's beautiful. The most perfect creature I've ever seen. Wisps of blonde hair peek out of the white cap the hospital staff put on her when they cleaned her up. Light eyes, eyes that I know will be just like her father's someday, blink and try to focus on the new world around her. She yawns and makes this soft, sweet gurgling sound, and I melt._

_She's the most important thing I'll ever do. The biggest change I'll ever make in my life._

_But I think the change in her father is even bigger._

_He holds her constantly. Soothes her when I can't. He rocks her, coos at her, sings to her... He's softer, that last hard edge of him gone with her birth. He's surer of himself now that she relies on us for everything._

_Because he'll _be_ everything for her._

_He looks at her with such awe, such rapture; I wonder how we managed to wait so long to do this. Why we wanted to wait so long. If either of us had known a love like this existed..._

_But that's the point isn't it? You can't know it until you've experienced it._

_And I'll be thankful for the rest of my days that I get to do this._

xx

**Three days earlier**

"Look at him. Bella, he's-" Edward stopped talking long enough to check our nephew's breathing. His hand splayed out on his tiny chest, and I smiled from my spot at the doorway.

"Dead to the world?" I finished, watching as those green eyes shifted to meet mine.

"He's... he's okay, right?"

"You're the doctor," I answered. "You tell me."

He simply glared at me.

It was so hard not to laugh at him.

"He's fine, Edward. He's tired. You wore him out with that camping trip."

He steadily let out his breath and dragged his hands through his hair. "Why the hell did I agree to do this again?" he hissed.

"To give your brother and Rose some much needed time away?"

He shook his head. "All of it's just too... It's too much."

I stepped away from the threshold and waited for him to join me. "The worrying, you mean?"

"Yeah. Fuck... Yeah."

It was then I finally giggled. Watching Edward's concern over whether Gavin was breathing or not was such a far cry from the way he was when he was first introduced to us. Edward had been terrified, distant, and unattached to the little boy, convinced he'd do something to harm him.

It was in his DNA, after all. The words had never been spoken, but I knew. It was everything he'd worried about for as long as I'd known him. Gavin might not have been ours, but that made no difference. Relatives influenced a child just as much as a parent did.

But all of that fear had all been for nothing. Shortly after he was born, there was a fender bender that gave Rosalie enough bruises to warrant a quick hospital visit. Emmett, of course, had rushed off to make sure his wife was all right. And that had left Edward - who was absolutely panicked - alone with the newest Cullen for the first time.

Edward hadn't been the same since. From that day on, he loved that little boy like he was his own. And it was then he really, truly opened his mind to the possibility of a family.

I held out my hand and led Edward past his prized baby grand - the one bought in Chicago - and to the bedroom next to the master suite, opening the door and peering at the freshly painted, pale green walls inside. "Finish this with me tonight?" I asked him hopefully.

He mumbled something under his breath, and then graced me with a smile. "I have something for it. Give me five seconds."

Before I could respond, he'd pressed a kiss to my hair and darted out of the room. I sat down in the chair in the corner and closed my eyes, my body aching with exhaustion now that I was no longer moving.

"Sleeping again, baby?" Edward asked quietly. I knew he was smirking just from the way he sounded.

I yawned, "Can't help it."

He chuckled, sending warmth right through me; I didn't think I'd ever tire of hearing that sound. I opened my eyes and spotted the brown box in his hands immediately.

"What's that?"

"Get up and see."

"Then help me," I countered. "I don't move like I used to."

He laughed again and crossed the room in just three long strides, carefully taking my hand and pulling me to my feet. His fingers ran over my wedding ring, an unconscious habit he'd picked up in the year we'd been married.

A quirk I adored.

"You weigh a fucking ton."

I pushed him away. "Asshole. You made me like this."

His eyes sparked with mirth as he ran his free hand over my stomach, feeling our daughter shift under his touch. "Three more days, right?"

"That's the idea," I confirmed. Months of tests, checkups, ultrasounds - on both the baby and my heart - would all culminate in one room, in what would hopefully be the least stressful delivery in history by way of cesarean.

I almost rolled my eyes at the thought. _Some _kind of surprise awaited us. That was just... life. Fact. Murphey's Law.

"She'll probably have her own plans, though."

"If she's anything like her mother, of course she fucking will." He bent over so that his face was just at the apex of my stomach. "What am I saying; you already are. You aren't even supposed to be here. Just like Mom."

"Ah, yes, the plan. The plan she worked so hard to ruin."

"It was the only plan I'd ever made in my life, and look what you did," he said, acting affronted. "I should make an appointment to get snipped. I _do_ know a couple good urologists at UW."

I laughed.

He smirked up at me, and then continued. "I was supposed to be finished with my residency before you got here, you know."

I let my fingers skim through his hair, grinning as he talked to her through my skin.

"But I couldn't imagine not having you now," he tacked on quietly.

The sentiment echoed my own.

He stood up and shifted the box under his arms. "Bella... I... You know I'm not really going to get snipped, right? It's just... I can't fucking deal with anymore um..."

"Surprises of the human sort?" I supplied.

"Yeah. I mean... God, I love her, but if I have to go through the shock of those damned two pink lines again, I think I'll have a fucking stroke."

"Hey, you weren't the one freaking out over your reaction to having to pick up a couple tests in the first place." He looked as if he was going to apologize, so I kissed him quickly to keep him from saying the words. "Now, show me what's in the box."

He grinned widely. "Okay, so I was thinking we could hang these above her crib."

He crouched down on the floor and opened the box, spreading the contents out evenly on the floor in front of us.

He stood up and bit on the inside of his cheek nervously, waiting for my reaction.

"Where'd you find them?" I gasped, swiping at my cheeks. I was crying.

_Stupid hormones._

"I made them."

I flung my arms around him and hugged him as well as I could, given how big I was at that moment. They were perfect, the missing piece to the nursery we'd spent so much time readying together. Framed like pictures, white, wooden letters spelled our daughter's name, each of them having a different background: tiny yellow tulips, pink roses, purple and white stripes ... All had coordinating polka dot bows at the top, tied to perfection by her nervous, wonderful father.

There couldn't have been a child any luckier than her for having_ him_ as her daddy.

"I love them. I love you."

"And I love you," he murmured against my ear. "There's one more thing."

I blinked in surprise. "Oh?"

"Elizabeth wants to send a gift."

I stood there quietly and tried to read his expression. "What do you think?"

"I think it's fine. She's..." He winced and tried to shrug it off. "She's her grandmother."

"Edward..."

"No, really. She's her family. I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents did with her and keep her from knowing about it all, the good and the bad."

He looked so sure of his decision. There was no way I could argue. "Okay, but if it goes bad, we can sic Charlie on her."

He smiled. "If he's not too busy with that girlfriend of his. What's her name again?"

I slapped his shoulder lightly. "It's Makenna. Jeez. You know this."

"I've only met her once, Bella. You can't expect me to remember it immediately."

"I think she's important to him. So be nice."

"I am being nice," he protested.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You going to let me hang these or not, baby?" he chuckled.

I beamed excitedly. "You're doing it now?"

"You said you wanted to finish her room tonight..."

"I did," I replied with a nod.

The smile on my face wouldn't go away.

With one last kiss he pulled away from me, immediately turning to go to work on hanging them up above the white, round crib that she would sleep in soon.

I stood back and watched, desperate to see that first moment that they hung completed on the wall and solidified her existence, for the moment they spelled out one of the most important names in our world.

_Maggie._

* * *

><p><strong>Short and sweet, and leaving my options open. Because you never know.<strong>

**Epic A/N ahead:**

**Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, and rec'd this fic. I love and appreciate every last one of you! **

**Thank you to my amazing prereaders; twilover76, claireoth, stephk0525, who are busy going through the new fic I'm working on. Yep, I said new fic. Eep!**

**Thanks to my fuckawesome beta dude, Stratan, for giving me just a slice of his nonexistent free time these days to go over and editing everything for me.**

**Thank you to The Lemonade Stand, Fictionators, Indie Fic Pimp, & TwiFicTrivia for all the support. xxoo**

**Keep me on alert or follow me on Twitter. I have no ETA for the new fic (I'm currently writing chapter 5), but as soon as I'm ready to post, I'll let everyone know. (at) JT040708**


	40. Outtake 1

**This is was the most popular request when it came to outtakes, so I wrote it first. Hopefully, these two will stay in my head long enough to get to the other requests.**

**Review replies: I'm still working on them. If I haven't gotten to yours yet, it's just because I'm really, really fricken busy right now.**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work; stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for the prereading. **

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

I pulled in the garage and shut the engine to the Volvo off. It was dark in our house. Quiet.

_Too _fucking quiet for a Thursday morning.

But maybe Bella was just running behind.

WIth a heavy sigh, I opened the door and moved to get out. God damn, my body ached. On call for forty-eight hours, busting my balls for nearly half of them. I thought I maybe got four hours of decent sleep the entire time, and was to the point that coffee didn't do shit anymore.

I loved every fucking second of it.

I lived for every fucking second of it.

Well, that and for the girl likely in her bra and underwear trying to get ready for another typical day at the office.

An office that specialized in adoptions.

Christ, even exhausted, my body demanded something from her. A reconnection of sorts, a quickie on the fucking sink.

I wondered if she had the time.

I shuffled my way to the door and entered the house. Not in the mood to eat, I grabbed a small bottle of juice from the fridge and blindly walked back toward our bedroom. We hadn't had this house for long. Just since we'd finally gotten married a few months back. But between Bella and Esme, it had been completely redone. There were guys everywhere replacing doors and taking out fucking walls... I'd practically shoved them out the day it was deemed ready for us to move in.

But it had been what Bella wanted. She wanted a place we would both be happy with, much like we were in our apartment for so long. Something that was ours; that held no trace of the family who lived here before us. I thought maybe Alice was rubbing off on her or something, but I kept my mouth shut. Not like I cared. If she was happy, I was happy.

End of the goddamned story.

I stepped inside the bedroom and immediately stopped short. The curtains were still closed, like Bella hadn't gotten out of bed yet. But she had. The covers were thrown back, and the bathroom light was on. A retching sound came from behind the door, and panic surged through me.

When was the last time she was sick? One, two, three months ago...? I couldn't fucking think, too tired... too...

"Baby?"

"Hi," she moaned, and I was through the door before I could think. "I'm sick."

"I can fucking see that," I snapped. She was draped over the toilet, hands on the seat, hair pulled back in a knot at the nape of her neck. Her legs curled up under her, she made a heaving sound again.

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. I hated it when she was sick. It was like my worst nightmare coming to life. The risks, the pain of losing her, were all I could think of, no matter how fucking hard I tried not to.

Which pissed me off. It wasn't her fault. She didn't need me yelling at her or acting like some dick husband just because I was terrified of what was happening inside her body. I was acceptant of her mortality; realistically, I could only guarantee a short amount of time with her before some kind of complication or failure arose. But when she got sick, all that rationality flew right through the window. Having it staring back at me, taunting me, made me crazy. Like I had to do everything in my power to keep her here, save her, if that was what it took.

It was one of the things I still worked with Banner on. Because Bella was always fine. After five years of being with her, seeing her get the flu and strep and common colds every year, I should be used to it.

But I wasn't.

Not. Even. _Close._

"Sorry."

She waved me off.

"How long?"

"Since about six?"

I crouched down next to her and checked my watch. Two hours was all.

"Throwing up the whole time?"

"Not really. I showered."

I finally noticed her hair was wet. Fuck, I really was tired.

"I called in sick," she continued.

"Then come lie down with me, yeah?"

She lifted her head. Her eyes were bloodshot, bags beneath them.

"It's probably the stomach flu," I said, more for myself than her. "If you're not feeling better when we wake up, we'll run you into the hospital."

She glowered up at me, making me laugh.

Like getting pissed off would stop me from taking her. I'd toss her over my shoulder if I had to.

I helped her to her feet, waited for her to brush her teeth, wash her hands, and dunk her toothbrush in a cup of Listerine when she was through, fighting off a smile the entire time.

The habits I'd brought home from the hospital were rubbing off on her.

We crawled into bed together and drew up the covers. Bella snuggled against me, her knee coming up between my legs as she worked to get comfortable.

I closed my eyes, happier than I'd been the entire time I was racing around that ER.

"I've really fucking missed you."

xx

"God, Rosalie, I'm so tired. Do we have to go out tonight?" Bella whined.

Rosalie's red lips pursed unhappily. "Bella, I'm childless for the night. Help me out a little."

Bella groaned.

"What's up with you, anyway?"

"Flu," I interjected. "Twenty-four hour bug, but she's still kind of tired from it. Mind if we just go home after dinner?"

She huffed but wisely didn't argue. She knew all too well how I was when it came to Bella's health to try.

"Next weekend?" she bargained.

"Who's watching Gavin?"

"You are."

"You guys are going out alone?"

"You don't want to spend the time with your nephew?" she retorted, arching her brow.

"No. Fuck, no. I want him. Bring him over around six. We'll make dinner."

"No dessert. The last time you sent him home I was peeling him off the wall. Cupcakes for breakfast, Edward? Really?"

I laughed. That'd been a fun weekend.

And then noticed Rosalie's stance, her facial expression and sobered up immediately.

"I promise. No dessert."

I'd just think of something else.

We were led to a table in one of the back rooms. Alice sat on the other side of Bella; Jasper was next to her. Emmett and Rosalie were on the other side. None of us spoke for a while, too busy perusing the menus in front of us.

Bella nudged me with her elbow, and I glanced over at her curiously.

"If I order the chicken nachos, will you share them with me?"

I blinked a few times. "What? You never want to eat stuff like that."

"I know. I'm getting the grilled shrimp, but the nachos just sound really good." She looked at me beseechingly. "Please, baby? I just want like... five chips or something."

I let my gaze drift over to Emmett. "Em?"

"Yeah?"

"Nachos?"

"Of course."

"Problem solved," I said to Bella with a grin.

She put her menu down happily. "Thank you."

Dinner was how it always was when we got together: loud, full of energy. We all lived within a one hundred and fifty mile radius of each other, yet it still felt like we missed out on practically everything that happened in one another's lives. But I supposed that was normal. At least, I fucking hoped it was.

Because it was our normal.

Appetizers were served. I grabbed Bella's plate up against her protest and dished out some of the nachos at the end of the platter, passing it back to her with an impish smile.

"I could have done that, you know."

"Maybe I just want to dote on my wife a little," I replied, reaching out and fiddling with her wedding ring. I fucking loved that bit of platinum around her finger. It symbolized everything I'd worked for, how far I'd come since the day I met her. It was a reminder that no matter how hard some therapy sessions were - how hard some would still be - it would always be worth it in the end.

_She_ would always be worth it.

"Edward..."

"I have to go back in tomorrow. I won't see you much for the next week. Just fucking give me this, Bella."

She laughed. "That wasn't what I was going to say."

"Then what were you going to say?"

"That I love hearing you say that."

I stared at her in confusion for a moment, and then it hit me.

_My wife._

I grinned widely.

Our focus was drawn away from each other by the argument Jasper and Alice were having beside us. I caught the gist - something about a puppy, for fuck's sake - and glanced at Bella.

She was trying not to laugh, instead deciding to pick up a chip from her plate and take a bite.

She made a face and dropped the rest to her plate, reaching out for her water and frantically trying to rinse away whatever it was that was bothering her.

"Do they taste off to you?" she finally asked.

I frowned, noting the way she'd literally gone green. I grabbed a chip from her plate and tested it out, chewing, and seeing absolutely nothing wrong with it at all.

It tasted like a fucking nacho. Like all nachos tasted.

"No..."

"Huh." She stared down at the plate, her face scrunching up again, and then pushed it away. "Maybe I'm still sick?"

I didn't answer.

Bella picked at the rest of her food. I tried to keep my panic in check, tried to pretend like I didn't notice the way she pushed a piece of shrimp around her plate or scooped up rice, only to let it fall back down before even attempting to eat it. She got the leftovers boxed up, and I paid the bill, lying to my brothers about still being exhausted from all those hours I'd recently put in at work.

"We're not stupid, you know."

I moved my eyes from where Bella was talking to Rose to my brother.

"She doesn't feel well, and you're freaking out."

I glared at him. "Jasper, fuck. Don't start with me. It's been a long week."

"You do this every time. You're going to have high blood pressure before you're thirty-five with as stressed out as you are."

"Yeah."

I dropped my eyes to the ground.

"She's fine."

"I know."

"Then stop being a douche."

I huffed. And then I chuckled because - as fucking always - he was right. "Okay, I'll stop."

"Thank you."

"How's that puppy hunt going?"

He cocked his brow. "Oh, now you're going to start shit with_ me_?"

I threw him a lopsided smile. "Yep."

He rolled his eyes like he was annoyed with me, but he ranted like a man who needed to. Like he'd kept it to himself for too long and needed an outsider's opinion.

Looked like I was the chosen outsider.

_Great. _

"I keep telling her we don't have time for a dog. Especially a puppy. I mean, Jesus, I'm never home. And she's not much better. How are we supposed to keep it from shitting in the house?"

"I don't know; crate it or leave it outside like everyone else?"

"Fuck you."

"For what?"

"Being on her side."

I laughed. "It could be worse, Jazz. It could be a pot-bellied pig or something equally fucking nasty."

He shuddered.

"Just give her what she wants. Who cares if it's got a tail and barks." I glanced over at Bella again. "I've got to get her home. Let me know what kind of dog you pick out, okay?"

He flipped me off.

But I knew he'd given in.

After what seemed like far too long to tell everyone goodbye, I finally got Bella out of there and into the Volvo. She rested her head against the window and closed her eyes as soon as we got on the freeway.

"You okay?"

"I feel kind of woozy again, is all."

"Which would be why you didn't eat."

"You saw that, huh?"

"Bella."

"I'm fine, babe. I promise."

"Well, if I need to stop-"

"No," she shook her head, "I just want to go home. Crawl into bed. Maybe give you some of my germs."

She opened her eyes and looked over at me. Dark and heavy, needy, I reacted to them. That one, loaded look had me gripping onto the steering wheel just a little tighter, made me press down on the accelerator just a little more.

I'd gladly expose myself to some germs just to get inside her.

With a soft laugh, she closed her eyes again. "You're so easy."

"Damn straight," I muttered.

She didn't say anything else for a while, and I thought she'd fallen asleep until she suddenly jerked in her seat and shot forward.

"What the fuck?"

But she didn't acknowledge me. She just dug around in her purse, mumbling something that sounded far too close to "no fucking way" for my liking. She sat back just as suddenly as she'd shot forward, phone in hand, her index finger rapidly tapping at the screen.

Then she slumped in her seat, let out a gust of air, and stared out the windshield.

"_Bella."_

She cut her eyes to me. They were wide. Terrified of something. A smile curved her lips, but it was dead. There wasn't any feeling behind it.

"Sorry. I just forgot to pick something up from the pharmacy. I can get it in the morning, though."

"Uh-huh..."

I didn't believe it for a second.

* * *

><p>I found Bella sitting on one of the barstools in our kitchen. Her lip was between her teeth, and her eyes were shining, almost like she'd been crying. Dinner was laid out before her.<p>

"There's a steak..."

"What is that, tilapia?"

She nodded.

"I could have eaten that."

Nothing.

I clenched my jaw in an effort to keep this strange sense of foreboding from consuming me.

She suddenly sniffled.

And I lost it.

"Bella, I swear to fuck if you don't tell me what's going on-"

"I think I'm pregnant."

Her words were a whisper, but God, they were so loud. So fucking _loud_. Reverberating through my head, vibrating my soul.

"But you..."

"Take my meds religiously," she finished for me. "I know."

I glanced around, wondering what the hell it was I felt. I felt frozen, like if I nurtured this tiny seed of joy inside me things would blow up in my face. That I'd lose her and our...

My knees gave out, and I leaned up against the wall.

"Fuck." My hands went to my hair. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"I don't know if that's a good fuck or not."

"I don't either," I answered honestly.

"Then we're in the same boat. Awesome," she snarked.

"Baby... This isn't how we wanted it. It's... Jesus, I feel like hitting something." But everything was new and pristine.

So I did the next best thing.

I grabbed a bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet and unscrewed the lid. I didn't bother with a glass. I just needed to calm my nerves.

Looser now, I sat beside her. "Okay, so you said you think, right? You don't know?"

She shook her head. Reached out for a white plastic bag sitting to her right and gave it to me.

I wanted to kick myself for being too busy to notice. For not seeing signs and realizing something was very glaringly missing these days.

"How late are you?"

"Twelve days."

_Fuck _me_._

I pulled out what was inside. Two boxes. Pregnancy tests. Digital and the standard two pink line method.

I tried not to throw up as I said, "These work best in the morning. When your hCG levels are highest."

"But I'm already so late..."

I knew what she was getting at. Neither of us would sleep unless we had some sort of idea of what was going on.

"Take one tonight and double check in the morning before we call Carlisle?" I offered weakly.

She nodded and moved off the stool.

Her eyes shifted to what was supposed to have been our dinner.

"I shouldn't have cooked. I just needed to do... _something_ until you got home."

I jerked a shoulder up uncaringly. Wasted food was the least of our worries right now.

We went into the bedroom with whichever box it was I'd picked up off the counter. Bella disappeared behind the bathroom door, and I paced around listlessly, listening to the sound of the box being torn open, plastic crinkling. The door that separated the toilet from the rest of the bathroom was closed, and then I heard the toilet flush.

Bella opened the door but stayed inside. I found her sitting on the edge of the tub chewing on her lip again.

She wouldn't look at me. And for that, I fucking hated myself. I loved being involved in our nephew's life. Loved that kid so goddamned much that sometimes it literally made my chest ache. But he wasn't ours. There weren't all these bad things surrounding him like there were for a child of our own. It was exactly why we'd spent the last two years planning a family.

A family that was still supposed to be a few years away.

"How long?"

"Five minutes."

But we didn't need five minutes. I chanced a look at the test strip and saw the faintest second pink line start to form on the paper.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

"It's positive, isn't it?"

I managed a nod.

She choked out a sob and wrapped her arms around herself. I stood there like the fucking idiot I was until she lifted her head and broke me with, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Fuck- Baby, don't be sorry." I kneeled in front of her and pulled her arms away from her body. "I'm sorry. I should have-"

I brought her down to my lap and kissed her then, hoping that she'd know the way I felt with it since I couldn't seem to formulate the right words. I wanted it. God, I wanted it. But this wasn't exactly a typical surprise pregnancy. There were so many complications. Complications that I could easily list off from memory.

A ten percent chance of the baby inheriting Bella's heart defect.

That Bella's medication could cause any number of defects on its own; that the baby would have a low birth weight or come too early.

Hypertension. Preeclampsia. Increased blood volume. Increased heart rate and cardiac output, abnormal liver function...

On and on it went, and I had to force myself to start thinking of something good. Of how Bella had never once shown signs of rejection. How her kidneys and liver all functioned perfectly, and her immunosuppressants were the least likely to cause the baby harm.

But the fear wouldn't go away.

"I can't lose you yet," I whispered. My hands traveled to her hips, then inward so that they framed her lower abdomen.

"I know."

It didn't escape my notice that she never promised I wouldn't.

xxxxx

_There's no heartbeat, not that any of us expected one so early. It's nothing but a gestational sac, but it's there. It's mine. It's hers. _

_Ours._

_It's something I helped create. Something I never thought I'd have. It's... lame as it fucking sounds, a miracle. Something that shouldn't be but is. Like its mother. Like me. _

_It's healthy. Strong. And looking at it on the screen, watching Bella squirm uncomfortably as her OB performs the ultrasound, I know that we're supposed to be here. As scary as it fucking is - as challenging as it seems - there's a reason why we were given this. Right now, at this moment, and not three years from now like we'd planned. There's a reason why Bella is the one carrying our baby and not some stranger. Why she was given this experience._

_It's just a blob. A small, black dot in a sea of gray._

_But I love it already._

_Unconditionally._

_..._

_Infinitely__._


	41. Outtake 2

**This has been done for a really long time; I'm just an asshole and forgot about it getting it beta'd.**

**Ah, life.**

**Anyway, there will likely be one more outtake before I'm completely finished with these two. There's one last thing that keeps nagging at me from EPOV.**

**Thanks to my prereaders, stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for reading this ages ago and letting me know that it didn't, actually, suck with all the fluff.**

**Thanks to Stratan for the beta work.**

* * *

><p><strong>Bella<strong>

Bright, turquoise waves rolled and crashed against the white sand. Gulls called in the distance. A pelican dove and scooped up a fish. The brush behind us rustled in the breeze, and I closed my eyes, tried to remember every last piece of this moment.

The sweet, gurgling sound my daughter made at my feet had me smiling.

I'd been sliced into so many times. Poked. Prodded. X-rayed and tested on more often than I could count. But Edward made me feel beautiful every single day. Having Maggie made me feel strong. And yet, standing here with my toes buried in the Bahamian sand, I couldn't seem to find the guts to take off the white swim shirt that hid the top half of my body.

It had an SPF of fifty. And my skin was prone to burning.

So of course, _I should keep it on_, was all I could say to myself, even though I knew better. I was using logic as a crutch. A quick way out of doing something I'd avoided since my first surgery when I was a teenager.

I felt Maggie shift on the blanket, opened my eyes, and found her trying to stand.

"If she keeps this up, she's going to walk before the month's up," Edward muttered.

I glanced over at him, fighting off another smile at how pitiful he sounded, how good he looked in those navy board shorts and a slight tan on his shoulders, scars revealed to everyone. He'd gotten over all of the physical reminders of where he came from at some point over the years; though, I couldn't exactly pinpoint when it had happened. Maybe it was when Maggie was born, when there was this huge shift inside my husband that made him let it all go. Every last bit of it.

Now, he seemed to be more accepting than even me, and I'd been the one to push him in that direction in the first place.

"She's been early on everything."

"Yeah. But I really don't want my nine month old fucking walking around the house. Do you know how weird that will be? She's tiny, and-"

This time I let my lips turn up in a smirk. "We should do this again."

His eyes shot to mine, huge with disbelief.

"Not through me, obviously. But the way we originally planned it."

"Didn't I threaten to get snipped before she was born?" he retorted. "I fucking swear I did."

"You didn't mean it. And you don't mean it now."

"Like hell I don't."

"You need to start paying attention to that mouth of yours soon. She'll be talking before you know it. I don't want her first word to be 'fuck'."

He laughed with that, and bent down to sweep Maggie up in his arms. The pink, wide-brimmed hat on her head flopped forward, and he gently pushed it back, checked the chin strap to make sure it wasn't too tight. Her hand slapped at his chest, right on the scar over his heart, and her mouth curved into a still partially gummy smile. She was all Masen, from the green of her eyes to the toenails on her feet. Her white-blond hair was getting longer now, curling just like her aunt's had. He murmured something and went to get a handful of the banana flavored puffs she loved so much out of her diaper bag.

He was perfection when he was with her.

"Her first word will be 'daddy'," he said confidently.

I had no doubt that it would be.

"You don't want another one of these?"

"Nope."

"You are such a liar."

"Bella, she's not even a year old yet."

"There's a process, though. It takes a while."

He huffed, stared down at her as she shoved the little rice bites into her mouth. His frustration morphed into something else; the lines in his forehead smoothed out when he brought her closer.

I grinned triumphantly.

"Don't even fucking start."

"I didn't say a word."

"I know you didn't," he replied, and then started off toward the water.

I hung back with the camera, content to lie in the shade of the umbrella and watch my family play in the surf. Maggie splashed and giggled, and Edward laughed at it almost every single time. She was the sun that shone down on his world, more important to him than I thought he ever knew she would be. And while I admittedly felt the same, there was a weight that came with my love for her. In truth, she had only been theoretically possible. The statistics were still too low, stories of successful births too few. I'd been naive about it when I was younger - blasé when talking about it - but I'd never really allowed myself to even think of it. We'd planned to have a family a different way. A safer way. The day I knew she existed, as happy as I'd been, I'd been so scared. Because she was right there at my fingertips, and one, slight change in my body could cause a chain reaction... could destroy that little, happy existence of ours.

So I prayed. Every day marked off a milestone, got me closer to meeting her. Now that Maggie was here - living, breathing, laughing - I knew why my mother had always been so protective of me, so overbearing. The thought of losing her to my disease was something I couldn't even fathom.

Thanks to her father's insistence, his need to know her genetic makeup the moment she was born, I knew I wouldn't have to.

I inhaled sharply and leaned forward, gathering my courage and slowly taking off the last barrier that kept strangers from seeing how marked up I was now. I had been willing to risk everything to bring that little girl into the world.

I could conquer a meager bikini.

Inch by inch the shirt was drawn up until I pulled it over my head and laid it down on the towel beside me. I sat there, watching, waiting - panicking slightly - and then I rose up and walked over to where Edward was, Maggie's hands fisted around his index fingers as he let her wobble in the shallow, salty water.

He noticed my shadow and glanced up. His hold on Maggie faltered in his surprise; she toppled slightly before she was caught smoothly by her father. He grabbed her up, even though she squirmed in protest, and stared at me.

A couple passed by, and I shifted my body a little so that they couldn't see. I didn't want them speculating about the two of us, why we had matching lines down the center of our chests.

"Say something," I whispered, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks.

He started back into motion and took a step closer to put his free hand at the base of my neck. "Do you know how fucking gorgeous you are?"

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

"God, I want to just..." He shifted Maggie, bent to kiss me. Lips trailed over my skin, stopping at the hollow of my collar bone. His hand moved down, thumb rolled over the tip of my scar.

I could feel our daughter's hands grab at my shoulder.

"I almost want to tell you to go put the damn shirt back on."

"What?" I blinked. "Why?"

"Do you know how many fuckers will look at you? Your tits?" A dark, possessive look passed over his face. "I'm realizing that I've never had to deal with that before."

"With me being looked at?"

"No, you get looked at. Christ, you always get looked at. Just not when you're half naked unless it's by me."

"Oh." I pulled away enough so that Maggie's hold loosened and her nails were no longer digging into my skin. "So I don't look ridiculous?"

He merely lifted his brows.

I beamed.

"Take her," he instructed, and passed Maggie off to me. "I need to make a call."

"It's international."

"Yep."

I frowned but didn't argue any more, opting instead to take Maggie out into the water myself. I walked into the ocean and felt a wave roll up and tickle her toes. She shuddered, looked at me questioningly, and then grinned when a second wave lapped at her skin.

"You like that, baby?" I asked rhetorically, and turned us around to face Edward.

On the phone, pacing, he spotted us and stopped. He didn't talk for a moment before abruptly bursting into laughter. He said something else, dropped the phone back into the diaper bag, and hurried to join us.

"Were you serious earlier?"

"About?"

"Another baby."

If it could, my heart would have jumped.

"Listen, I..." He dragged a wet hand through his hair and gazed out at the horizon. "How long were we engaged?"

"Four years."

"Why?"

"I-" Baffled, I cut myself off to organize my thoughts. "I wanted you to be ready."

"I was, though. From the very fucking second I asked."

"But you-"

"Never said anything because I wanted you to do everything you wanted before tying you down."

"Edward, you're not making any sense."

"I wasted all that time thinking that you were too young or that you needed to see more of the world or whatever before we had a wedding. I don't want to waste any more. If you want this, we'll do it. Now, not later. I want you to have it all in case-"

He choked on his words, glanced away, and left me spinning.

"Okay, in case," I finally returned. "What if something happens? You want to be left with two kids to raise alone?"

"You're not going anywhere, though."

"You just said-"

"Fuck, I know," he snapped. He took a steadying breath and turned those green eyes on me. "I still don't think you understand. I'd be willing to do anything if it made you happy while you were with me."

My heart reacted, pounding, wanting.

"Don't do something like this just for me."

"But that's it. I want it, too. And if things were normal, I'd have made it known the day she was born. I'd have told you that I was so full of shit and blind all that time because Maggie's... God, she's the best thing I'll ever do, baby."

A tear suddenly streaked down my cheek, and Maggie made a noise of distress in my arms. I kissed the top of her head through her hat and said, "You're sure?"

"Yeah. I want her to have what I didn't as a kid. Don't you?"

I nodded. "But I'm almost eight years..."

"And you're still healthy as fuck."

My lips twitched with that. "For how long, though?'

"Are you trying to talk me out of it?"

"No. I'm making sure you've thought this through."

"I haven't. But that's why I called home. I want to talk to Banner about it when we get back."

"Holy shit," I breathed.

"You should probably start paying attention to your mouth, Bella."

I laughed, and then somehow found my way in his arms, forehead against his chest, Maggie wiggling between us.

"Okay," I said, and tilted my head back to see him.

The smile on his face stole my breath.

"Good. 'Cause I made an appointment for next Friday at three."

* * *

><p>It was a typical Seattle day: cool and crisp air, overcast skies. However, the day was anything but typical. Our house had been turned into a venue for Maggie's first birthday party due to her slightly overzealous aunt, Alice. A white tent took up the expanse of our backyard; streamers, paper lanterns, and balloons were meticulously hung from its rafters. Tables were set up underneath, black and hot pink tablecloths covering them, and big, coordinating tulle bows were tied to every chair.<p>

"It looks like a wedding."

Edward chuckled and let the camera in his hand follow my gaze. It wasn't just something we took on vacations. It was a staple in our household; the one thing he and I had been adamant on from the very beginning.

To make sure Maggie had document of everything - of me, specifically.

Because that "just in case" was a little too great a chance to take lightly.

"You wanted big."

"I wanted special," I countered.

Edward hummed and moved to film the cakes sitting on the counter. He stopped recording and scratched his head. "Bella, our daughter's cake has a fucking tiara on top of it."

"I know," I sighed.

Bewildered green eyes swung to mine. "Why does a one year old need a tiara?"

I shrugged. "Guess that's what happens when she's the only little girl in the family."

"Jesus Christ," he muttered. "Can't my brother ever get a handle on his wife?"

"Can you get a handle on me?"

"Good point. But, baby, she doesn't need all this."

"At least the entire family will be here to enjoy it. And we can talk to them about-"

"Talk to us about what?" Rosalie asked.

"Nothing." I smiled at her. "You're early."

"Gavin wanted to play with Edward."

On cue, our nephew came crashing through the door, toy machine gun in his hand. He pressed the trigger, and it sounded.

Little, plastic shells came tumbling out of the magazine.

"You're dead, Aunt Bella!"

"Oh. Uh..." Having no idea what to do, I closed my eyes, cocked my head to the side, and stuck out my tongue.

Edward snorted out a laugh.

Gavin rolled his blue eyes and came over to me. "Guess what I can do?"

"I don't know; what?" I returned.

"Pick Mom up."

My eyes darted to Rosalie's in terror.

She smirked.

"Don't even-"

Before I could finish the sentence, he had his arms wrapped around my waist and had lifted me a few inches off the floor.

"My God, it's a mini Emmett," I grunted out.

Gavin dropped me and grinned, and I noticed he was missing one of his front teeth.

"Okay, pick your crap up and get out of my house," Edward said with a smile. "We'll find your dad and play out there."

"Away from the tent!" Gavin screamed. "Aunt Alice told me she'd kick my butt if I messed it up."

"What kind of idiot do you take me for?" Edward replied, and led him out the front door.

Rosalie bent down and picked up a stray shell. "I hate this thing."

I giggled. "I bet you do."

"If it wasn't so expensive, I'd pitch it in a dumpster when no one was looking." She glanced around, her brows lifting as she took in all the food on the counters. "Wow, this is some spread."

I shrugged. "Alice."

"I get the feeling that's not all."

"Everyone will be here."

"And by everyone you mean..."

"Everyone."

She pursed her lips and stared me down.

"I hate it when you do that," I grumbled.

"Spill."

"I invited the Carrs. And... Edward invited Elizabeth. "

"What the fuck for?"

"Lower your voice! Maggie's sleeping still," I hissed.

"Fine. What the fuck for," she repeated, hissing right back at me.

"She won't be invited every year. Just this one and maybe... I don't know. Other really special occasions."

"Special occasions like what, Bella?" she pressed.

I glanced away. "Nothing."

"You've said that twice now."

"Did I?"

"You are aware you're the world's worst liar, right?"

"Yes," I answered, and looked her way again. "Promise not to tell? We're announcing it later."

"Promise."

I nodded. "We have an appointment with a fertility specialist in a couple of weeks."

Her violet eyes widened, and a smile stretched across her face. She gasped, jumped a little, and then just froze.

"Wait, is this a good idea?"

"I had a biopsy last month."

"And..."

"No sign of rejection yet."

She let herself smile again. "So how does this work?"

"Um, Edward..." I coughed awkwardly and decided to glaze over that part, "into a cup, and I have eggs harvested. Then they make a baby in a petri dish. You know, the usual."

"Do you have a surrogate?"

I didn't respond.

"Oh, my God, you do!"

"Why do you keep shouting? Have you been hanging out with Alice a lot or something?"

"Bella, I live in Forks. I barely get to see you guys. Just let me be happy for a second, okay?"

"Fine."

She inhaled deeply, eyes flashing excitedly. Her hands came up, flailed, and then quickly went back down to her sides. "Okay, I'm done."

"Good, now will you help me finish all this up? I'd actually like to live to see this party."

Rosalie frowned. "Not. Funny."

"Your opinion," I said with a laugh.

The appetizers were in the oven and family was slowly trickling into the house, so I made my way back to Maggie's room and found her cooing happily in her crib. She spotted me at the door and grinned, reaching up for me to release her from her prison. I went to change her and put the little shirt Alice had custom made for her over her head, and in a wild shift in mood, she fought me the entire time.

I huffed in frustration and just looked down at her as she wailed.

"You were fine just a minute ago."

"She's like her father," I heard from the door.

I kept my hand on Maggie's stomach and glanced behind me. Elizabeth stood there awkwardly, almost as if she was waiting for an invitation to come inside, even though Edward had been particularly adamant that she come in the first place. As much as he kept it to himself, his daughter's first birthday was a big deal; he'd wanted to share it with everyone.

Even his biological mother.

"Oh, you mean she's moody like her daddy?"

She laughed a little and took a step inside. "She's so beautiful, Bella," she said in wonder.

I gave her a curious look. She'd been sent numerous pictures over the last year.

"I'm sorry. Sometimes I still can't believe Edward lets me see all of it."

"Oh." Finally managing to get her dressed, I picked her up and set her on my hip. "Everyone's outside waiting for her I think..."

"I know. I just wanted to sneak a peek of her." She paused and glanced away, this strange, far off look in her eyes.

"Are... you okay?"

She cleared her throat and nodded, but I got the distinct impression that she was hiding whatever it was bothering her.

"Don't do that," I snapped. "We didn't invite you to pretend everything's perfect."

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "You're right. I was thinking of my Maggie and didn't want to dampen the mood."

"Elizabeth, it would be weird if this wasn't a little bittersweet for you."

She relaxed a little and smiled.

"Baby, everyone's-" Edward stopped and stared for a moment, dragged his hand through his hair. "I didn't know you'd gotten here yet."

"Just now," Elizabeth answered. "I should've probably said something to you first, but I wanted to see her so much..."

"It's fine," he said tightly. "But seriously. We're about to have a fucking riot on our hands if we don't get her out there."

"I thought you were watching that kind of talk," I chastised with a grin.

"I'm allowed to slip," he chuckled. "Give me my girl."

"I just got her."

"And now you've lost her."

He came over and pulled her away from me, smiling and bending down to press a kiss at my temple. "I'll make it up to you later."

I lifted a brow in response.

Outside now, dark clouds loomed in the distance. The rain held off though, giving Maggie - and more importantly us - a perfect afternoon with our family. Edward filmed everything, from the time she spent with the Carrs to her first taste of sugar, the chaotic mess of cake that followed. He came with me into the kitchen where I gave her a quick bath in the sink to wash all the cake from her hair.

Maggie's soapy hand reached up and tried to grab the camera from Edward. He jerked back and laughed.

"Not so fast there, little girl. I spent a fortune on this thing."

She babbled, followed it up with a slurred version of "daddy", and I picked her up to wrap a towel around her before changing her yet again, this time into the turquoise dress_ I'd _picked out for the day.

I clipped a white bow into her hair, let Edward take her, and was overcome with something I hadn't felt in such a long time now. If everything went accordingly, we'd be doing this again in a couple of years with another baby, and it was almost like I couldn't wrap my mind around the possibility all of a sudden, couldn't wrap my mind around this life I had now.

"You okay?"

I shook my head and drew in a sharp breath.

And then promptly burst into tears.

"Hey," Edward soothed. The camera was shut off. "What the hell happened to you just now?"

I shook my head again, too far gone to really answer him. Or _know_, even. I didn't know what had happened. All I knew was I felt this immense sense of gratitude for being able to have all that I did, when so many others in my situation wouldn't.

"I just... I love you guys so much, and we're- And I- didn't think I'd-" I hiccupped, and somehow, managed to laugh at myself. "I'm sorry."

He chuckled and put Maggie down so that he could focus on me. "I know," he said quietly. His lips ghosted over my forehead, hands gripped at my waist. "Believe me, I know."

I nodded and clung to him, because he did know. Everything I felt, he felt. It might not be for the same reasons, but never when we first met did either of us expect to have this.

To have it all.

"They're waiting on us," he murmured.

I sniffled and straightened up. I wiped at my eyes and gazed up at Edward. "How bad is it?"

"Not bad. You've got a spot..." he trailed off and gently ran his thumb over the corner of my eye to get the mascara off. "I love you, Bella. I don't say it a lot, but-"

"They're just words," I interjected. "I know you do."

One side of his lips pulled up a little. "Which is exactly why I do. I never have to tell you anything. You can read me like no one else can."

He was quiet for a moment, his eyes flickering over to Maggie playing behind us, and then back to me again.

"I think about it still, too, you know."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "About how I'd be living if I hadn't-"

He cut himself off, held me tighter.

And I knew he was thinking of something from his past. Some wrong he was slowly making right.

"Did you see Liam and Siobhan with her?"

He cleared his throat and pulled away some. "They're great with her."

"We should make sure they get invited to everything, even if we know they won't be able to make it because of the distance."

"I think they'd like that." He paused. "Are you ready to tell everyone what's going on?"

I took a steadying breath and noticed that whatever just happened had passed. "Charlie's going to freak."

"Charlie?" Edward snorted. "Try Esme. She's been hinting at more grandkids for months. Jasper's about to grab a suture kit from the hospital and sew her mouth shut."

I smiled up at him, thinking of the conversation I'd had with my father just a few days ago, of how the subject of kids - Maggie, specifically - had come up, along with my only child status.

He wanted Maggie to have more.

And so did I.

"I'll take that bet, Cullen."

His brow arched slightly at my smug tone. "Know something I don't?"

"I just might."

"Then why would I bet against you?"

"Because if I'm wrong and I lose..." I snuck my hand between us, grazing over him long enough to illicit a reaction from him.

"Fuck. Blowjob?"

I grinned.

He picked Maggie up and took hold of my hand. "I want these people out of my fucking house, Bella."

"Mouth!" I shouted at him.

"You started it," he argued back.

I laughed and let him lead us back outside where our entire family was chattering with one another. They spotted the birthday girl and became entirely focused on her again.

Maggie ate every last bit of it up.

Presents sat on a table waiting for us to open, and Alice flitted around, trying to set up chairs in the perfect spot so that everyone could see us and take their own pictures.

She blew a piece of hair out of her eyes and made a face of frustration, and I giggled to myself. She hadn't had time to get a decent haircut in months.

I knew exactly how to thank her for all her work today.

Once she was satisfied with the arrangement, we walked over to the gift table. Edward let Maggie toddle around, watching her closely as she started playing with the bows and slapping at the wrapped boxes.

His hand found mine, and he inhaled sharply. He was always so unsure of himself when he had something important to say, and it still sometimes took him a few minutes to gather his thoughts, say them concisely.

But not with this. He was sure of us. Of our lives and where we were headed.

"So Bella and I thought that it would be best to tell you all a little something while we were all together."

"Saves excess carbon dioxide in the air," I joked.

"Are you saying I'm full of it?" he asked with a laugh.

"I'm saying nothing," I replied solemnly.

Our family laughed along with us.

"We've been planning this for months. Years, actually," he said, and let his eyes drift over to Maggie. "But things don't always go according to plan, and for that, I'm grateful. My life is better now because of it. Because of her."

Esme gasped and slapped her hand over her mouth.

"Mother," Edward groaned.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Keep going."

"Well, there's no point now. You've already given it away."

"Did I?" she returned. Her eyes glimmered, and she glanced at me questioningly. "I don't think so."

Edward huffed, and muttered, "I hope she doesn't think I knocked you up again and she gets this kid by this time next year."

"Then I guess you'd better stop talking to me and tell them what's going on."

"Jesus."

He dragged his free hand through his hair, seemed to realize something, and then flashed me a lopsided, cocky grin.

It took me a second to catch up with him, but when I did, I couldn't help but giggle under my breath.

Esme hadn't even heard the words yet, and was already buzzing with excitement, whispering into Carlisle's ear and smiling each time she stole a glance at us, at Maggie.

I'd lost.

"Oh, fine," I huffed. "You'll get the spoils of victory tonight."

A playful smile turned up his lips.

"You're damn right I will."


End file.
